Still submitting and waiting for that first acceptance. I mean, I ain't gettin' any younger! Be that as it may...I'm back working on a play I started perhaps ten years ago with many edits and tinkering along the way. The more I read it - the more I realize that I really like it so I'm sharing the first ten or so pages with the world - or whoever happens to drop by. I should be so lucky!

Will provide updates as to its progress along the way. Meanwhile, enjoy. Feedback welcome.

THIS IS A REVISED VERSION UPDATED ON DECEMBER 5, 2009.

Please note that this is not in play format due to cut-and-paste process.


DEAD WRITES
By Eleanor Tylbor



SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon


AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.


FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period

Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence.

(Cont'd. FELICIA) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the coffin

(cont’d FELICIA) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her

Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!


A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA. He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?

FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me? Police?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
You should be Wigs - makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?

JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information

FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?

JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job

FELICIA
Do tell. You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you

SOUND: THUNDERCLAP

JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –

SOUND:THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SOUND: THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH

‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’

(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’

(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!
SOUND:THUNDERCLAP

Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice


JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your use-rs and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We're all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

FELICIA
So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b... - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean…I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

She strains to see in the coffin again

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

Whereas artist, Dutch artist Johan van der Dong set up a local telephone number so that people can communicate with God.

THE GOD CALL
By Eleanor Tylbor

CHARACTERS:
PHIL
G-D

SCENE:

An office or den. A student is sitting at a desk covered with books. A cell phone rings and the student glances at it to see whose calling.

PHIL
Oh G-d…I'm never gonna be ready for my exams.

(phone rings)

G-D
Hello is this Phil? This is G-d returning your phone call.

PHIL
(sarcastically)
Hi…um - God. Talk about an ego! Get a life, pal! Listen – some of us hav'ta study for exams

G-D

Don't hang up! Really. I'm Him. G-d? The Big Guy? The All Powerful and Mighty?

PHIL
Surrrrre. Uh-huh. Brian – you're so lame!

G-D

Truly – I'm not – what's his name? Brian?. My persona has always been a source of speculation and strife - the two big "S's" - among religions. I heard you call my name not five minutes ago.

PHIL
I know it's you, Brian, you jerk! You by yourself at Marios? Manager leave early?

G-D

Listen - I have a lot of return phone calls to make. Gazillions, even...all over the planet, earth. Then I have to look in on the wars and the dying people...

PHIL

You're such a jerk! Okay. If you insist. I'll take one all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. This time make sure it's hot or no tip for you!

G-D

Seriously, I'm not Brian. I'm really - G-d!

PHIL
You always did have a big ego, Brian! Now you're calling yourself G-d? Oh you're gonna get smited!

G-D

Have it your way. One all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. Why do I bother?"

PHIL

Don't you want my new address? I moved last week!

G-D

Trust me - I know. Now if there's nothing else, I have a lot of phone calls to make.

PHIL

Actually, there is one more very important thing you can do for me.

G-D
Is it a confession you want to make my son? I'm here for you. There's nothing so bad that can't be forgiven.

PHIL
Yeah – sure. Can you send along an order of onion rings?

G.I. JOE , THE 'REAL' ONE DISCUSSES THE MOVIE WITH HIS NAME IN IT


After a stressful period of being relegated to a toy factory along with his love the fashionista of the vinyl set, BARBIE, along with her ex surfer-boyfriend KEN, the real G.I. JOE is quite upset that a movie has been made using his name as a draw. In a hastily called press conference, G.I. JOE with BARBIE by his side in his words, "wanted to clear the air."

"This is really didusting," G.I. Joe blustered, waving his trusty machine gun in the air to emphasize his emotional angst. "They've gone and used my name and they didn't even ask me if they could!"

"Didusting, G.I." the designer-dressed Barbie commented, smoothing her body-fitting dress and smiling for the photographers.

"Wha...?"

"You said, 'didusting'. There's no such word as that," Barbie emphasized, combing her blond, vinyl hair and cleaning her teeth with a bent vinyl finger. "It's disGUSTING."

"Yeah! It is! You're right on, babe! It is disbust...disrust...whatever the hell she said! This G.I. Joe movie thingie isn't even a real soldier, like me. It's a military unit! Nobody bothered to ask me, a gen-u-ine soldier if I wanted to be in it. Oh no. I would'a liked to, 'ya know!"

"Um...GI - remember you lost a foot when we busted out of the warehouse," Barbie interrupted the rant. "

"So? I could have sat at a table or something and held down the fort! Nobody would'a noticed." G.I. explained. "On top of it all, some dudes who call themselves Duke and Ripcord got jobs! But not me, G.I. Joe, the original soldier. It ain't fair!"

"I'll tell you what's not fair," Barbie intervened, "to have to walk on tippy-toes all your life, like me. Isn't that right, Ken?"

"Uh-oh! Listen! Surf's up! Gotta run!" Ken said, grabbing his surfboard and running out of the room.

'Don't let the surf board hit you on the way out, Ken...you sissy-boy!' Of course you're right like always, babe. Having to walk on tippy-toes is much worse than having your leg shot off. Hey - wanna go see the movie with my name in it? I got free tickets."

Placing a crutch under one arm and leaning on Barbie with the other, the pair left the room.

"Do you have to lean on me so much?" Barbie commented. "You're crushing my hair."

http://www.gijoemovie.com/

SAME OLD, SAME OLD

by Eleanor Tylbor

So Eleanor, it's been a while since any new updates have been provided. How are things going with you in the playwriting arena?

Same old, same old. Still pursuing that evasive first play production and sending out queries to various competitions and theatres. Whenever I send out my play followed by that inevitable wait for a response, I've managed to convince myself that a long wait indicates that they/a theatre really like it and want to discuss it's merits among themselves.

"Hey Paul (or Jessica or whoever) - did you read that Tylbor play? Wasn't it hysterical? We gotta find a place for it this season!"

If this were only the case!

Also been re-reading some of my older plays and evaluating the dialogue and plots. Frequently, the concept that perhaps I only have two full plays in me surfaces. It took me almost two years to write them and umpteen years: translation: still updating, years to perfect them to the point they are now. Anyway...

Each day I check into my favorite playwriting site, The Playwright's Forum. The forum, which in my opinion is one of the best playwright-related places on the Web, is moderated by Edward Crosby-Wells and Paddy who keep things running smoothly. The site is a gathering place for both professional and neophyte professionals who offer advice and critiques when asked, in addition to sharing 'calls-for-submission' that come up. It is also the place to share successes and bemoan bad reviews or not-so-successes. On occasion and to encourage playwrights, Edd holds two-page contests for a real prize. It's a very nurturing place to hang out and highly recommended for playwrights of all levels.

When it comes to tweaking - I'm right up there. I can agonize over the meaning of a word for hours. Realistically, it's obvious that the misuse or misplacement of a word ain't gonna make a whole lot of difference or impact on whether a theatre will accept a play or not. Frequently, I get bogged down with stupid details. For example in my short, "Elvis: The Real Story" I spent 45 minutes assessing whether I should rename my female character whose current name is "Tammy." So I'm thinking: maybe Tammy is an outdated name. Perhaps another more current name like Emily, Sharon, Amanda could make a difference. This is usually followed by a period of self-deprecation and a general internal rant of "why-do-I-continue-this-continuous-search-for-recognition" to be followed by a general acknowledgement of my ability and creativity to use the right words in an entertaining way.

I've also decided it's time to add to one of my plays-in-the-making, "Dead Writes", which I started and have added to over the years. In my humble opinion, it's got potential and the makings of a good story. It's a comedy-come-mystery-come-love-story, which is always popular. The more I write about it, the more appeal it has.

Let's see now...I've wasted two hours and the characters of Dead Writes are beckoning. I'm coming Felicia. Just wondering...perhaps Felicia is not an appropriate name.


http://www.stageplays-forum.com/<

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: the continuing saga of life among the plastic people
By Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE and their plastic "sisters" and "brothers" were relegated by circumstances beyond their control to live out their lives in relative obscurity, packed away in boxes in a warehouse…somewhere. At the point G.I. Joe, always the soldier was about to blast their way out of the warehouse, they were set free due to some unexpected legal proceedings and a court case. Once again, they continue to live out their lives in Plasticville.

SCENE:
BARBIE, ever the fashionista, is in her designer bedroom filled to capacity with designer clothes, trying to decide what to wear

BARBIE
Like…I can't believe I'm actually back in my designer home again with all my designer outfits, waiting to be tried on! Bend my arms a little, Ken. That's better. Now pass me those Dolce and Gabanna outfits. No – gimme the Gucci… No – I'm in a Stella McCartney-ish mood…

(G.I. Joe and Ken rush over to grab a handful of new outfits and fight each other to be thee first to hand them to her)

G.I. JOE
Get…out'ta…my…way…surfer…stupid-o! She was talking to ME!

KEN
Stupid-o? Look who's calling me stupid-o. Mr. Soldier Boy who blew off his own foot with a grenade! I'm her favourite and always will be! Right Barb babe?

G.I. JOE
Hey! That was an unforeseen accident. Anyway, I got another one. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here!

KEN
(distracted, looking off in the distance)Is that a wave I hear? Is surf up?

BARBIE
Ken…Ken…Ken… Like - life does not begin and end with surfing! There is more to life like clothes and being seen with the right people in the right places in the right time


G.I. JOE
(laughing)
Ha! See what I mean? She's not hanging-ten on your board anymore. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here! The time is right babe for you and me! Wanna go blow up something, babe?

KEN
Oh yeah? We go back like…forever, right Barb? We always were and we always will be and there's nothing that you can do about it. We've always been boyfriend and girlfriend – always. Course there was a time when we broke up… I was like…so depressed… Didn't come out of the water for weeks… Hadda get a whole new plastic skin transplant…and the smell!

G.I. JOE
You pathetic piece of plastic! You're nothing but… Press the red button on my back, sissy-boy. My new leg replacement has molded together, again

KEN
Maybe I will…and maybe I won't. Hmmmm….let me see now…

G.I. JOE
Oh fer… Okay. Tell 'ya what. Help me out and I'll give you a ride in my jeep. Your new surfboard there would fit in the back seat just perfectly. You'll be a big hit with your surfer pretty boys. I mean friends

(KEN hops over – on tip-toes – and attempts to lift G.I. JOE's shirt but his arms won't bend)

KEN
Tough luck, soldier. No bend-o, no button push-o!

BARBIE
(laughing)
Like…you two! You're like…so-so…

G.I. JOE
…army tough?

KEN

…your best beach boy?

BARBIE
Silly guys! Weird of course! Always fighting over…moi. Didn't your mommies teach you how to share?

(Doorbell rings)

BARBIE
Now who could that be? Maybe…more designer outfits? Or perhaps an invitation to a club opening? Hmmmmm….

(BARBIE hops over to the door on tip-toe and opens it)

BARBIE
(gasping in shock)
Like…what are YOU doing here?

SASHA BRATZ
Like…hi! Like…is that the way to welcome your friends. Right girls?

(SASHA barges past BARBIE followed close behind by YASMIN, CHLOE BRATZ)

YASMIN, CHLOE
Yeah – like…is that the way to treat us? Ooooooo – new clothes! Be our best friend and let us try them on?

BARBIE
You have-got-to-be-kidding! Like…why would I, Barbie, world-famous fashionista, let you, my former best friends who stabbed me in the back, like…try on these beautiful new outfits created for ME!

SASHA
How about because we're here to tell you something very important!

BARBIE
Like…who cares?

YASMIN
You will when we tell you that…that...

BARBIE

That...what?

G.I. JOE

Want me to squeeze the truth outta her, babe? Huh? I can y'know! Just say the word

(TO BE CONTINUED. WHAT IMPORTANT INFO. DO THE BRATZ'S HAVE TO TELL BARBIE? WE'LL FIND OUT DURING OUR NEXT VISIT TO PLASTICVILLE)

THE TRANSFAT DILEMMA: a commentary and comedy focusing on the evils of transfats

By Eleanor Tylbor

News item: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation yesterday banning the artery-clogging substance in the state's restaurants starting in 2010 and from all baked goods by 2011. Though some cities, such as New York, Philadelphia and Seattle, have enacted bans on trans fats, California becomes the first state with such a law."

SCENE: A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. YOUNG MAN/WOMAN IS AT COUNTER AND WAITING TO BE SERVED. SHE/HE IS APPROACHED BY FAST-FOOD SERVER.



SERVER
Hi there! How can we help you?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. How's your menu?



SERVER
(taken aback)
Well...We have a great choice of burgers and fries and...



CUSTOMER1...
that's it.



SERVER
You want a burger and fries?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. Now how are your trans fats?



SERVER
Pardon?


CUSTOMER1
You know...trans fats? The bad stuff that causes clogged arteries?


SERVER
Huh?


CUSTOMER1
Your heart? The thing that beats in your chest? Clogged and then a massive heart attack? Death sometimes?


SERVER
(backing away)
Uh-huh...


CUSTOMER1
Didn't you get the message that Gov. Schwarzennegger has banned transfats in restaurants? Do you have any?


SERVER
I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about


CUSTOMER1
See - that's the problem. Most people don't and especially the fast food places but it's there alright! So do you?


SERVER
(moving away from counter)
You're beginning to scare me, sir/lady! I don't know! Really!


CUSTOMER1
There's the rub. Very few people know about transfats in fries, burgers, chocolate bars and all that junk food but it's there


SERVER
Maybe I should call my manager...


CUSTOMER1
It's really an easy question. Do you or don't you have trans fats?


SERVER
(starting to cry)
I-I don't know...


(Other customers start to gather around)


CUSTOMER2
Hey! What are you saying? Are you threatening this girl?


CUSTOMER 1
I was merely asking her if the food served here contains trans fats. I didn't realize it would be construed as threatening.


CUSTOMER 2
Yeah... I heard about that. Good move by Arnie and it's about time! (turning to the server) Does it have any?


SERVER
I dunno! I dunno! I only work here!


CUSTOMER 3
'She only works here!' Isn't that what they all say? Nobody takes responsibility for anything these days


CUSTOMER 2
Ain't that the truth!


CUSTOMER 4
Yeah! We get the heart attacks and they tell us they don't know!

(All the customers get involved in a shouting match, complainting about trans fats)


CUSTOMER1
(to server who is being consoled by another server)
Know what? I'm not in the mood for a burger and fries. I'm more in a..."salad-ish" mood!


CUSTOMER 1
(leaves the store with customers and servers yelling at each other)
Wonder how much transfat is in salad dressing...

JURY RULES IN FAVOR OF MATTEL. BARBIE MIFFED - KEN INDIFFERENT

by Eleanor Tylbor

"Barbie and Bratz dolls are sisters, a jury has decided in a major victory to Mattel Inc., the world's largest toymaker, in its copyright infringement lawsuit against rival MGA Entertainment Inc.

The federal jury decided Thursday that the designer of MGA's Bratz characters conceived the idea for the dolls while working for Mattel — a ruling that could mean millions of dollars for the Barbie maker when the jury considers possible damages during a separate proceeding.

"http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_bi_ge/mattel_bratz


Word has it that Barbie and the Bratz' do not accept the reality that they are related.

"Like - how can...they be related to someone so...so...famous like me?" Barbie was quoted as commenting after the decision. "It's just not possible, that's all I have to say. Please make sure to photograph my best side."

For their part the Bratz girls aren't surprised with the verdict.

"We knew we were Mattel," Yasmine Bratz said. "I mean, we always felt - you know - Mattel-ish. We have our own site now and you can join us at http://www.bratz.com/ for fun and games and fashion advice."

"Fashion advice! What do...they know about fashion?" Barbie interjected. "No sense of color...or style...or...""Oh yeah? Well...girlfriend, at least we have joints that bend, which is more than can be said for you! I mean, who wants to spend their entire lives walking on tip-toe!"

"That is like...so mean!" Barbie said. "Isn't that a mean thing to say, Ken?" Barbie asked and then nudged her some times significant-other."Well isn't it?" Barbie asked once again.

"Surf's up!" Ken responded, throwing down his surfboard on the ground and attempting to surf ride the waves.

At that point the press conference was over and Barbie and the Bratz girls left arm-in-arms.

"Like...how can you go out with him?" Sasha Bratz asked, shaking her head incredulously watching Ken balancing on his surfboard.

"It's the price I must pay for being a famous personality and fashionista," Barbie sighed.

"Hey - this is a good wave!" Ken yelled, his arms flaying wildly on the floor.

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE

(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

EXILED IN A WAREHOUSE DUE TO AN UNFORESEEN PRODUCT RECALL, THE PLASTICVILLE CREW WERE UNDER SEIGE BY A DEMOLITION COMPANY, SENT TO CLEAR OUT THE WAREHOUSE



BARBIE
(struggling to lift the lid of her box)
Somehow...we've...got...to...show...that...we're...here. Can't...move...this...top. If...only my...legs...would...bend...


G.I. JOE
Stop your moaning, soldier! You're part of the proudest fighting machine in the nation! Ten-shun!


BARBIE
Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Knock-knock! Anybody home?


G.I. JOE
Who's there? Anybody-home-who? Love 'em knock-knock jokes! Go on - tell me the punch line


BARBIE
No Joe - it's not a knock-knock joke. It's not funny one little bit! Like...we gotta find a way to tell those people we're here or else it's curtains for us


KEN
Surf's up! I hear it and the smell of salt water!


BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... What you hear is the sound of heavy equipment and the smell of gasoline. Get a grip!


G.I. JOE
Yeah - get a life soldier sissy-boy! (sniffing) I just love the smell of gasoline in the morning! Hey soldiers - I think I got me an idea. I'm not quite sure yet but I feel something happening in my head. Wait a minute... Yeah - it's definitely an idea. Sometimes it's just dandruff but this time it's an idea...


KEN
Oh Gawd! We're gonna die!


(ALL THE BARBIES', KENS' AND GI JOE'S' IN THE BOXES, ECHO KEN'S WORDS)

BARBIES, KENS, GI JOES (TOGETHER): 'We're gonna diiiiie!'


G.I. JOE
(softly)
Ssssssh - quiet - everyone! The enemy is near! They think we can't hear them but I can. I've been trained to hear enemy talk. These aren't your run-of-the-mill, every-day, plastic ears, y'know! Keep your mouths shut and for gawd's sake - youze all, stop your snivelling! I can hear them... They're saying: 'Blow this place sky high!' I gotcha, you bastards! You ain't gonna get away with it! G.I. Joe is gonna blow us all to kingdom come! I got me one last grenade and...


BARBIE
No! Please! Listen to me, Joe! Babe! Soldier boy!


KEN
We're all gonna diiiiiie! I'm too young to die. I still got a lot of surfing to do!

KEN:(sung to: "Lot of Livin' to Do")
There are waves, just right for some surfing,
And I'm gonna get me a few,
Lots of curls waitin' in Hawaii,
Oh I got a lot of surfin' to doooooo!


BARBIE
Oh Ken - I love it when you sing! I almost forgot what a good voice you have


KEN
I know. Remember when I tried out for American Idol but they wouldn't let me sing to my surf board? Damn Simon! Damn Brits! What do they know about surfing? Oh babe! If only I could touch you! Remember how we used to watch the waves from your beach house, holding hands? The tips of our plastic fingers touching each other. It was magic! Waves came in...and then went out... Came in...and went out...


BARBIE
I get the picture. That seems like centuries ago! Oh why, oh why, must we deserve this fate?


G.I. JOE
Hey! As long as I got my one leg and arm - I'm gonna save us all! And don't forget I still got my teeth


KEN
...we don't have teeth, G.I....


G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. I knew that. Well...anyway. All I haf'ta do is pull this here string with my one good toe... And... Just a minute now...I'm almost there


BARBIE
No! Stop! You'll blow us all to bits!


G.I. JOE
Almost there...I got the end... just pull...


(SUDDENLY, THERE IS A HUGE BANG AND EXPLOSION. ALL THE BOXES AND THE LIDS FLY UP IN THE AIR)


KEN
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Surf's up!


BARBIE
(in mid-air)
My-my wardrobe! It's ruined! My life as a fashion icon is over! I am no longer the fashionista that everyone looks up to... The Bratts win in the end


G.I. JOE
Told you I'd get us outta here, babe! Look - there's my jeep down there! We're as good as free, babe!


(AS THEY SLOWLY FALL TO THE GROUND, ONE CAN ONLY SPECULATE AS TO WHERE THEY WILL END UP NEXT. WILL THEY BE FREE AGAIN OR ARE THEY FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE?)

STRANGERS
(a silent play with no words spoken whatsoever)
By Eleanor Tylbor


GUY1 walks across the stage and is approached by GUY2.


GUY1 waves at GUY2 but GUY2 doesn't wave back.


GUY1 waves at GUY2 again, smiling.


GUY2 ignores him and turns his head sideways.


GUY1 rushes over to him and taps him on the shoulder, forcing GUY2 to acknowledge his presence


GUY2 turns to face him, pushes him backwards and attempts to rush away


GUY1 blocks his departure with an extended arm and moves his face close to GUY2's face, and points to his face


GUY2 backs up and attempts to flee


GUY1 chases after him but GUY2 moves too quickly.


GUY 1 drops his head and shakes it slowly and his shoulders droop indicating dejection


A FEMALE APPROACHES.


GUY1 lifts his head and focuses his attention on her. He scans her body with his eyes, taking in her figure. He smoothes his hair, fixes his shirt collar and adjusts his pants. She is reading while walking and he makes a point of bumping into her.


FEMALE, startled, drops book and takes step backward.


GUY1 smiles and bends over to pick up book. He glances at title and points at her - then at himself.


FEMALE grabs book out of his hand and attempts to move on, obviously leery of GUY1.

GUY1 extends his arm and touches her shoulder. She whirls around and hits him squarely across his face. He reels backwards and places his hand on his face, shaking his head in bewilderment and shrugs his shoulders


FEMALE removes her purse that is hanging on her shoulder and hits him on his shoulders - then focuses her attention on the book and moves on


GUY1 drops down on to the floor, drops his head and it's obvious by his heaving shoulders that he is sobbing. He shakes his head in frustration while pounding the floor with his fists.

He suddenly jumps up after spotting a CLOWN, who is puffing away on a cigarette. GUY1 jumps up and down in excitement, runs towards clown in an attempt to communicate with him

(END OF SCENE 1)

The Play's the Thing - Even If No Words are Spoken by Anyone

by Eleanor Tylbor

To say that Austrian playwright, Peter Handke is a man of few words is truly an understatement.

In fact he has written a play entitled, "The Hour We Knew Nothing of Each Other" to be performed at the National Theatre from March 31 to April 12 for 30 performances. What makes his play "special" is that not one word will be spoken by the actors.

For 1 hour and 40 minutes, 450 characters will be silent.

According to a blurb on the National Theatre site:

http://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/thehour

The play is best described: "For a moment, a bright, empty town square. And then a figure darts across, and another and another – businesspeople, roller-bladers, a cowboy, several street-sweepers, a halfdressed bride, a film crew, a line of old men, a tourist, a beauty in a mirrored dress, Abraham and Isaac, a family of refugees, a fool – more and more people, the bizarre and the humdrum, fleetingly connected by proximity alone."

The idea apparently came to Handke as he sat at a cafe on an Italian piazza watching strangers come and go. Even if not a word is spoken, the play is not sound-less. The silence is punctuated by snatches of music, the occasional scream and the recorded sounds of an aeroplane or workmen drilling.

A National Theatre spokeswoman said: "It is a great piece of work, challenging and something that we should be doing. Tickets are selling well - not like hotcakes, but they are doing well. It is appealing to younger people. We think our more traditional audiences will wait until the reviews."

If this is a success, I shall re-read and re-edit my plays with the possibility of eliminating the dialogue. Perhaps I'll re-name the wedding play, "Make Me a Wedding and Let's Keep It Between Ourselves." Given that it's a comedy, there will be lots of body language and gesturing. Since my play has a mere 9 characters, it shouldn't be too difficult to fill the various roles.

If anyone attends this play, please pass on your impressions and review.


Writers & Friends
www.jrslater.com/forum

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor

BARBIE
Stop, GI Joe! Don’t pull that whatever you do! You’ll blow us all to bits! Oh gawd! Look at these clothes! Like...I can't be photographed looking like this

G.I. JOE
They’ll know we’re here, alright! Anyway, you look pretty good to me. A little dusty but then aren't we all?

BARBIE

But...someone like you doesn't understand that I, Barbie, fashionista, can't be seen as dusty. I have a reputation!

G.I. JOE

Don't worry, babe. Nobody believes all that gossip crap they write about you in the tabloids. Almost...got...it...

BARBIE
Stop! Like…isn’t it bad enough that you already blew your foot off trying to be helpful? You don't get it – there will be pieces of us...like everywhere!

G.I. JOE
Yeah but we'll be out'ta here! Lissen – as long as I still got one good foot and two arms… Mmmm...look what I have here. A good, old cigar…

(suddenly there is a loud boom accompanied by smoke)

G.I. JOE
…make that one foot, two arms and one hand

KEN
He’s nutso! Your boyfriend is certifiable!

G.I. JOE
Thank you, sissy-boy! Nice of you to say. Uh-oh…my bullets have melted

BARBIE
He is NOT my boyfriend and those bullets aren't real, Joe! They're plastic - just like us!

KEN
Does that mean…I’m still your number one surfer dude? Do you like me more than you like that Ass-tralian surfer-boy?

G.I. JOE
...I gotta find me some new a-mu-ni-tion! Hey surfer sissy-boy! Got any spare bullets on you?

KEN
You-you’ve seen the light, right Barbie-kins, and want me back! Right?

BARBIE
How many times have I told you not to call me Barbie-kins? My name is Barbie! B-E-R-B... B-A-R-B-I-E. Sometimes, Ken, you’re so…

BLAIN
…dense? Stupid? Empty-headed?

G.I. JOE
Think I got me some spares around somewhere here…somewhere… If only I could…check my pockets… Hey Aussie dude from Astro-Austreee-Australia – you got any extra grenades around?

BLAIN
Oh yeah. I always carry around spare grenade on my body. Cheez you are such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
Thanks! I got it all up here (points to his head with his foot). Lissen…lend me a few and I’ll pay you back

KEN
Ssssssh! Is that the sound of waves? Surf’s up! And me without my surf board

BARBIE
They’re coming to save us. I just know it! ‘Hello out there! It’s us, the Barbies and Kens and Blaines and GI Joes… Help!’

VOICE
Okay… Move in the equipment… Yeah…we got orders to empty this here warehouse…

BARBIE
Ohmygawd! Like…they’re gonna clear us out!

KEN
Don’t we want that?

BARBIE
They don’t know we’re in here! We’ve got to find a way to let them know! There has to be a way

G.I. JOE
Leave it in my hands, babe… I mean, in my hand. By the time that I’ve finished, they’ll know alright! Your G.I. is the main man! I helped Rambo get the bad guys and…

BARBIE
Oh fer… Rambo is pretend, G.I.! He’s pretend!

BLAINE
Oh? And what are we?

BARBIE
The sound…it’s getting nearer! We’ve got to do something…fast!

(QUESTIONS DU JOUR: WILL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING TO HALT THEIR IMMINENT DESTRUCTION? WILL G.I. JOE TAKE CHARGE AND BLOW THEM ALL TO BITS? TO BE CONTINUED…)

BARBIE
We're saved! But like…how can we attract their attention?

G.I. JOE
(attempting to reach the string to a hand grenade)
…just another inch…and…we’ll…be out’ta here… This should do...the trick...babe
When we last joined Barbie, Ken, GI Joe and their vinyl/plastic “sisters and brothers” they were spending Christmas stored away in cardboard boxes located somewhere on planet Earth. At the point they thought and maybe even hopefully assumed they were being rescued, the sound of heavy equipment indicated something to the contrary was about to occur. We join them now as panic begins to set in.

Sometimes things happen for a reason although you may not know or realize it at the time. Only later on do you see some type of plan in the works. Or perhaps fate taking a hand.

As a youngster attending afternoon Hebrew School, it was an activity I dreaded or at least disliked. After a full day of regular classes at school, an hour of having to learn a new language wasn't something I relished. Watching TV was definitely a more interesting option. However, go I did, balking all the way and trying to come up with new and creative excuses to stay home. Most didn't work.

In addition to my mother's determination to ensure that I get some type of Jewish educational background, my teacher who also happened to be the school's principal, did everything in his power to make sure I attended classes. This included the actual physical act of coming to our home to find out the reason for my absence, on occasion unbeknownst to my mother. In restrospect I thought it was a conspiracy between them to prevent me from enjoying life as a kid.

Obviously, the experience left a lasting impression since I wrote and sold a number of short stories based on my experience.

Every year I bring out my favorite story, "The Dreidel King" a.k.a. "The Chanukah King" and post it in the various forums. For me it's a "feel good" story that transcends religion. Another story about how the simplest act of lighting Chanukah candles brought an unexpected response from seniors, comes a close second.

It occurred at this stage of my life that I have the makings of a children's/family play and will use the content of both stories to this end. There are few plays that I'm aware of focusing on Chanukah, especially aimed at children so it's a labor of love.

As I wrote - sometimes things happen for a reason. At least I'd like to believe it.

Shades of "Hair!" and "Oh Calcutta"...

There were calls for the blasphemy laws to be overhauled yesterday after a group of Christian evangelists failed in an attempt to prosecute the Director-General of the BBC, Mark Thompson, for blasphemy over the show Jerry Springer – The Opera.

In a landmark decision, judges at the High Court ruled that the Theatres Act 1968 prevents any prosecution for blasphemy over public performances of plays, and the Broadcasting Act 1990 prevents any prosecution in relation to broadcasts. Human rights lawyers described the decision as “a very important point of law” that would have a widespread impact.

The judges ruled that a district judge had been entitled to find that there was no prime facie case of blasphemy against Jerry Springer – The Opera as it was not aimed at Christianity but was a parody of the chat-show genre.

Lord Justice Hughes and Mr Justice Collins said that the musical “was not and could not reasonably be regarded as aimed at, or an attack on, Christianity or what Christians held sacred”.

The case had been brought by Christian Voice, the evangelical group, which condemned the satirical show as “an offensive, spiteful, systematic mockery and wilful denigration of Christian belief”.

Stephen Green, the national director of Christian Voice, had urged the judges to allow the private prosecution of the Director-General to go ahead for permitting the show to be screened on BBC2 in 2005.

He also wanted to prosecute the show’s producer, Jonathan Thoday.

Mr Green had applied for court orders overturning the refusal of District Judge Caroline Tubbs to issue summonses at the City of Westminster Magistrates’ Court in January. Mr Green’s lawyers argued that the show “clearly crossed the blasphemy threshold”.

Mark Mullins, QC, representing Mr Green and Christian Voice, said the effect of yesterday’s ruling was that “no prosecution for blasphemy can be brought against the BBC”.

He added: “That is tantamount to saying that blasphemy is of little, if any, relevance in today’s society.”

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/stage/article3007291.ece

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life and love among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE continues in her attempt to break up with G.I. JOE, who is not getting the message. KEN, her ex-boyfriend who took off after hearing the call of the surf, has returned, unaware of the situation. Meanwhile, the BRATZ, fresh from bad critical reviews of their first (and probably last) movie, are heading back to PLASTICVILLE, expecting to return to their former roles of fashionistas

KEN
Hey everyone! I’m back! Your Ken is back, Barbie!

BARBIE
Oh…like…just what I need right now. Ken back

G.I. JOE
(picking up a rocket launcher and pointing it at KEN)
Back from where, sissy boy? How do we know where you were? You could’a given the enemy our coordinates and they could be heading this way now. We gotta kill this guy, babe

BARBIE
Not! Like…put that thing down, G.I.! Get it through your head that we don’t have any enemies. I mean, maybe badly designed outfits and tacky clothes choices…knock-off purses. That doesn’t mean anyone has’ta die! Punished, yes. Death, no.

G.I. JOE
This sissy boy…you know him?

BARBIE
Joe – this is Ken! You remember Ken, don’t you? You and him shared a beach house for a month?

KEN
Is that really you, Joey ba-bee? It’s me, Ken, your beach bunny!

G.I. JOE
(visually uncomfortable)
Um… Well… Never saw this disgusting excuse for a soldier in my life! Turn around and put your hands on the wall

KEN
Why?

G.I. JOE
I gotta frisk you - t’see if you got any hidden weapons

KEN
Ohhhhhh – I like that idea. Here let me help…

G.I. JOE
(frisking KEN)
Stand back, soldier! I’m armed with a weapon

KEN
Oh I can see that. Wanna frisk me again? Then I’ll frisk you…and then we’ll frisk each other…

BARBIE
Like…I don’t wanna break up your sick game but G.I. – we hav’ta talk. Now please?

(suddenly, there is the sound of a car engine and a Corvette pulls up)

Sasha! Jade! Jasmin! Cloe! The Bratz are back!

G.I. JOE
You know these dolls?

BARBIE
Never saw them before in my life!

G.I. JOE
Aha! The enemy has many faces. Okay ladies. Up against the wall and spread your legs

(G.I. JOE attempts to push the Bratz dolls against the wall and they hop along instead on their tip-toes)

(cont’d.) I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
We can’t! Like…our legs won’t move apart! God knows we've been trying for years and don't even ask about our sex lives

G.I. JOE
Don’t gimme none of your lame excuses. I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
And I’m telling you – we can’t!

SASHA
Like…hi Barbie! We’re back! Where’s the party?

BARBIE
You have some nerve! The four of you take off on me…like…a long time ago and like…you try to be movie stars and like…you sucked big time and now…like you expect me to welcome you back with open arms?

SASHA
Well…yeah. Why not?

BARBIE
Um – well – because – lemme think on that question

YASMIN
The bad movie director kept telling us to emote and like…we kept telling him we couldn’t!

BARBIE
How come?

YASMIN
We don’t know what the word means. Oh Barbie – please forgive us! We miss your parties… I mean, we’ve missed you.

BARBIE
Like…right now I got other more important problems to worry about

CLOE
What could be more important than…us?

BARBIE
Um – well – him…(gesturing to G.I. JOE who is crawling around on his stomach looking for "the enemy") and Ken…and Blaine

CLOE
Blain? Who’s Blain?

BARBIE
That Australian surfer dude laying on the ground over there
(The BRATZ dolls hop over to where BLAIN is laying, staring at him)

CLOE
Hey – he’s cute

BLAIN

(lifting his head and looking up)
Mummy? Is it time for din-dins yet?

BARBIE
See what I mean?

KEN
Hey ladies – remember me? We surfed together?

CLOE
Is he still hanging around?

G.I. JOE
Okay ladies. Hands up in the air! How do I know you’re who you say you are? Gimme some proof. They gotta gimme proof, babe, or you know what I gotta do!

BARBIE
(slapping G.I. JOE across the face after each word)
You (slap)-stop (slap)-that (slap)-talk (slap)-right (slap)-now!

PLAYWRIGHTVILLE

(the imaginary level of consciousness where rejected playwrights address the characters in their play)

by Eleanor Tylbor

Ellie has to break the bad news - again.

FEMALE CHARACTER
Uh-oh... I sense bad news is on the way

MALE CHARACTER
How do you know?

FEMALE CHARACTER
How do I know? How-do-I-know? Do you hav'ta ask that? Can't you feel the bad vibes?

MALE CHARACTER
I thought it was just a bad case of indigestion from all the popcorn she ate last night. She always pigs out on popcorn when her plays are rejected

FEMALE CHARACTER
Yeah - don't we know it! At least it's the diet kind. Okay - steel yourself now! It's coming...

ELLIE
Um - people...characters from my play... No. Friends

FEMALE CHARACTER
Okay. We get the picture. Been there, heard that. Now just cut to the chase. So?

ELLIE
Well there's good news and bad news

MALE CHARACTER
Do we get a choice which one we wanna hear first?

FEMALE CHARACTER
Oh pleeze! Just let her divest herself of all her angst will you, so that we can get on with our so-called purpose in life?

ELLIE
Ahem... The good news is that I entered the BBC International Playwriting Competition

FEMALE CHARACTERThat's it? You entered a competition? That's all the good news you have to tell us? Oh gawd - here it comes...

ELLIE
Well...I didn't win

FEMALE CHARACTER
This dear playwright, is not news. You are aware that we have been in this state for years now waiting...waiting...waiting for the call that never comes. Y'know - it's not easy being characters from a play longing to share ourselves with theatre audiences. The stage! The lights! The applause! Never to hear applause...

ELLIE
What can I say? Maybe I should just do another re-write

MALE CHARACTER
A re-write? Is that...like really necessary? I mean...the play does make a strong statement

FEMALE CHARACTER
Wait a minute. You won't change our characters, will you? You do like us, right?

ELLIE
Of course. I just want to tighten up the dialogue, is all. You'll be happy to hear that I'm going to have a public reading

MALE CHARACTERFantastic! At last real people will get to know us and who knows where that could lead!

ELLIE
Now all I hav'ta do is find some people. It can't be just anybody off the street, y'know!

FEMALE CHARACTER
Why not? A body is a body is a body. At least they're real people

ELLIE
Yeah - I suppose. Now all I hav'ta do is spread the word and set it all up...

MALE CHARACTER
We'll be waiting. We're always waiting

FEMALE CHARACTER
Ain't that the truth!

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE

BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?

BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you

G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?

BARBIE
Um… Let me think…

(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)

BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!

BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!

BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!

BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon

G.I. JOE
What does he mean?

BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!

G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is

BARBIE
(nervous)

Well… You know, G.I. sometimes – um – two people – um – who have been seeing each other – um – for too long… I mean, who know each other a long time, need to – um…um… Need a rest from each other. Know what I’m trying to say?

G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No

BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course

G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!

BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?

G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!

BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart

G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished

BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind

G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?

BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…

G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!

BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!

G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…

BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!

G.I. JOE
I don’t get it

BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!

G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…

BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other

G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?

BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!

G.I. JOE
You mean…

BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine

G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?

(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)

G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!

(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)

BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!

G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!

BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!

G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…

BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…

BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again

G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?

(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)

BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off

BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time

G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.

BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…

G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…

BARBIE
…been there, heard that

(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)

KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near

BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now

(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

June 18, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: After G.I. JOE's attempt to throw BLAIN, BARBIE's ex-but-hopefully-to-be-once-again-boyfriend, over his shoulder to transport him to the hospital, they have finally reached Mercyful Hospital with G.I. JOE riding shotgun on a tank.

BARBIEPlease - like...can somebody lend a hand here?

G.I. JOE
(jumping down off his tank)
Here - lemme show you how a soldier does it

BARBIENo! I mean - you've done enough to...I mean, for us already

G.I. JOEAnything for you, babe!

BARBIE

Hello? We need a doctor - like...now!

G.I. JOEHey! Did I ever tell you that I got my first-aid badge. We don't need no doctors...

BARBIENo...thank you, G.I. Why don't we get another opinion from a real doctor?

G.I. JOEOkay but I saved my pooch, Bullet, when he got hit by a ve-hi-cle last year

BARBIEBut...you hit him, G.I.!

G.I. JOEHey - it was an accident, okay? It ain't my fault the dog fell off during manoeuvers!

BARBIEBut did you have to run over him three times?

G.I. JOEHow was I supposed t'know he wasn't an enemy pooch?

BARBIE
Why do I bother... Hello? Somebody? Anybody?

G.I. JOEHere - lemme get somebody. It takes a soldier t'get things done around here...

(G.I. JOE runs inside the hospital and exits with a doctor slung over his shoulder, screaming)

DOCTORHelp! Help! This man is a lunatic!

G.I. JOE
Aw - thank you doc! Ain't that nice of him t'say, Barbie?

BARBIEPut-him-down, G.I.! Please? For me, your Barbie?

(G.I. JOE lowers the physician to the ground)

(BARBIE cont'd.) You'll have to forgive my friend G.I. Joe. He's a little over-protective

DOCTORForgive him? Forgive him? I'm calling the cops! The man's a real danger to society. I'm gonna have him locked up...

(physician produces cell phone and starts to dial)

G.I. JOEUh-oh... We have an enemy agent here calling his bad guy friends...

(G.I. JOE whips out a sling shot from his back pocket and aims it at physician and hits him on
the cheek)

DOCTORWhat the... That hurt! This man is really dangerous!

G.I. JOE
And don't you forget it! I know your type... Pretend to be a friendly doc but inside you're really the enemy trying to take over the world. I bet you don't even work here, do you? Let everyone think you can fix boo-boos but all you really want is in-for-ma-tion.

(G.I. JOE walks over to the physician who responds by running back into the hospital)

(G.I. JOE cont'd) Ha! I showed him! Coward! He won't be botherin' you again, babe!

BARBIEOh gawd, G.I. What have you done?

G.I. JOENo need t'thank me!

BARBIEWe need a doctor, now! Blain here needs help

(BLAIN starts to stir)

BLAINMummy - is that you? I got a boo-boo that hurts bad, mommy.

(The sound of police sirens can be heard causing G.I. JOE to retreat back into his tank)

G.I. JOE
C'mon Barbie - the enemy has found us but your G.I. JOE will keep you safe from harm

BARBIEThat's the problem, G.I.

G.I. JOEWhat is?

BARBIE
Your trying to keep me safe. Perhaps we should part ways...

G.I. JOE
Whad'ya mean?

BARBIE
You know - um - separate?

G.I. JOE
I don't get it

BARBIEThat's the problem. Let me put it this way: I think we should break up

Questions du jour: How will G.I. Joe take to a possible breakup with his Barbie? Will surfer dude Blain get the help he needs? How will G.I. Joe deal with the arrival of the police?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Having revived BLAIN, the Australian surfer dude and love of BARBIE’s life, G.I. JOE has asked BARBIE about the geographical location of Australia

BARBIE
What are you trying to tell me, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Hey! Is that the place where them there giant jumping mice live? ‘Cause if it is – I can get some of my men together and we can go hunt them down and…

BARBIE
Like…pleeze, G.I.! Is that all you care about? Killing and maiming? You are so violent!

G.I. JOE
Thank you. I know. Gawd I love it when you use those big words. You’re so smart, babe!

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s plastic head but it continually slips out of her inflexible hands and she ends up dropping his head on the ground)

BARBIE
Like…I’m soooo sorry. Blain? Are you okay, baby?

BLAIN
(mumbling)
Wha’? Hear? Surf’s up! Where’s my board…get my board please, mummy

BARBIE
Oh Blain…honey! It’s me, your Barbie doll!

BLAIN
Mummy? I have a boo-boo on my head. It hurts baaaaad

G.I. JOE
I dunno, babe! Sounds suspish..sustik… Could be an enemy. Better frisk him…

BLAIN
(dazed)
Daddy? Is that you?

G.I. JOE
Hey! I ain’t your dad! I’m a soldier and don’t you forget it. Ten-shun!

BLAIN
I see pretty stars floating in front of my eyes. Do you see them too? Let’s catch one

G.I. JOE
Stars? Oh…you mean the stars on this here u-ni-form I’m wearing! Wanna know what they’re for? See…this here one…

BLAIN
Twinkle, twinkle little staaaarrrr…how I wonder where you arrrrre…

G.I. JOE
…is for foldin’ my clothes nicely and this here one is…

BLAIN
…high above the earth so high…

G.I. JOE
…I got for brushin’ my teeth three times a day…

BARBIE
We have to get Blain to a hospital!

G.I. JOE
Hospital? We don’t need no hospital. See this here badge? I got that for First Aid. Your G.I. Joe can fix his boo-boo, lickety-split. Even faster than that

BARBIE
Like…don’t think I don’t appreciate the offer but I think my sweetie here…I mean to say, Blain here, needs a real hospital where real doctors…

G.I. JOE
Hey! Whad’ya mean, ‘real doctors’? They don’t give these here badgers…

BARBIE
…badges…

G.I. JOE
Huh? That’s what I said

BARBIE
Like…you said, BADGERS

G.I. JOE
Yeah. Badgers.

BARBIE
They’re B-A-D-G-E-S

G.I. JOE
Badgers…badges. What’s the difference?

BARBIE
A lot. One is an animal and the other is a… Why am I bothering to explain?

(G.I. JOE checks in a pocket and produces a band aid)

G.I. JOE
(Cont’d.) Here it is! I knew I had one on me…it’s a little old but it’s still good. So where’s the cut?

BARBIE
Um… Why don’t you talk with the doctors…just to make sure of course that they know what they’re doing? Here – let’s use my cell phone to call

(KEN suddenly walks out of the woods, running towards BARBIE and G.I. JOE, holding a surf board)

KEN
Hey Barbie! Surf’s up! Grab your…

BLAIN
(groggy)
Surf…gotta surf…

G.I. JOE
At ease, soldier! You’re in no state to surf. Here – lemme put this here band aid on your boo-boo…

KEN
Oh? Who do we have here? Blain? You whale scum! Shark doo-doo…

BARBIE
Um…Ken. Can you keep that for after? G.I. Joe here, like…got a little excited and like…hit him on the head with plastic bullets

KEN
You mean…Blain here is hurt? Oh my poor ba-by boy!. I mean, the idiot. He should be in a hospital getting proper care

G.I. JOE
Hey! He is getting cared for by me! I know all about fixin’ boo-boos!

KEN
(staring at him for ten seconds)
We can transport him to a hospital on my surf board. Now you take his arms Barbie, and I’ll take his legs…

(BARBIE and KEN attempt to bend over and grasp BLAIN’s legs and arms without success. As BARBIE picks up his arms, KEN drops his legs and vice-versa)

G.I. JOE
Here – let a soldier show you how it’s done

(G.I. JOE grabs BLAIN’s arms and attempts to throw him over his soldier but misses. BLAIN is propelled over G.I. JOE’s soldier, screaming all the while)

G.I. JOE
Whooops…

(to be continued)

Question du jour: will BLAIN receive the necessary medical help he requires?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

Writers & Friends

www.jrslater.com/forum

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
The continuing story
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE HAS RUSHED BACK TO HER BEACH HOUSE UPON HEARING A SOUND RESEMBLING A GUN SHOT. SHE SEES BLAIN, HER USED-TO-BE-BOYFRIEND SPRAWLED ON THE GROUND, WITH G.I. JOE CROUCHED NEARBY. AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL TRIES TO CROUCH DOWN NEXT TO HIM DUE TO HER UNYIELDING STIFF PLASTIC BODY, BARBIE DROPS ON TO THE GROUND, FACE-FIRST, HANDS IN THE AIR

BARBIE
Like…ohmygawd! Blain – honey! Wake up. Your Barbie is here!

G.I. JOE
(walking over to her, gun aimed at BLAIN)
Don’t worry, babe. The intruder has been neutralized. Wait just a G.I. moment here! ‘Blain - honey?’ Whad’ya mean by that?

BARBIE
(flipping on to her back)
Well… I mean…like… Blain is from Australia and…like…his family owns a honey farm. Yeah – that’s it. A honey farm. Um…G.I. – would you bend me into a sitting position?

G.I. JOE
Sure. I can do that with these muscular arms. Oh so then….and I thought you were…well…y’know…talkin’ to him like he was your boyfriend or something

BARBIE
Him? My boyfriend? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Don’t be a silly soldier, G.I. Joe! Friends – we’re just friends!

G.I. JOE
Good ‘cause… you know I’m the only real man in your life, babe.

BARBIE
Do I have a choice?

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s head in her plastic hands but his head keeps slipping down. Finally, she drops his head on the ground)

(cont’d.) Oh the angst of being a fashionista cursed with hands that won’t bend! What did you do to him, G.I. Joe?

G.I. JOE
Like I told you – I neutralized him. Yup…he won’t be botherin’ you no more

BARBIE
Any more

G.I. JOE
Huh? What?

BARBIE
ANY more

G.I. JOE
Any more of what?

BARBIE
Sometimes G.I. Joe, you’re such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
I know and that’s why you love me, babe! Gawd I love it when you talk like that!

BARBIE
So tell me what happened to Blain

G.I. JOE
Happened? Blain?

BARBIE
Blain? The guy who is laying here? Did you…shoot him? Tell me you didn’t shoot him! Hold on – like… you use only plastic bullets, thank goodness

G.I. JOE
Plastic bullets can make a big boo-boo, too, y’know!

BARBIE
Oh you got one big boo-boo and its sitting right on top of your neck

(G.I. JOE opens up jacket and displays two hand grenades hanging on string from around his neck)

G.I. JOE

How’d you like these babies? Ken gave them to me after you two had your talk. ‘One for you and one for Barbie’, he told me. That Ken – such a good guy t’gimme hand grenades!

BARBIE
Ken’s…all heart, alright.

(BLAIN starts to stir)

(cont’d) Blain! Oh Blain! You’re okay!

G.I. JOE
Move aside, babe. I’ll finish him off for good this time

(BARBIE rolls around and manages to throw herself on top of BLAIN)

(cont’d) Stop! He’s not the enemy, G.I. Joe!

G.I. JOE
The enemy is everywhere and wears different disguises! He may look like a surfer to you, but I know different. Oh yeah I know alright! I can smell the enemy

BARBIE
That’s …like…your new Macho Man deodorant! He’s a surfer dude! That’s all!

G.I. JOE
Bwahahahahahahaha! Silly Barbie! I found him noseying around your beach house. If he was like you say he was… What did you say he was again?

BARBIE
Blain? The Australian surfer?

G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. Right. Blain... Well he had it coming!

BARBIE
What did he ever do to you?

G.I. JOE
Well…um… He was sniffin’ around my girlfriend’s house and that’s enough for me! Sniffing around is as good as guilty

BARBIE
We really have to talk about our relationship, after.

G.I. JOE
G.I. Joe don’t talk, babe! I’m a man of action! Move away from…whoever

(BLAIN stirs)

BLAIN
I can’t breathe!

(BARBIE attempts to get into a standing position but experiencing problems with her body not bending)

BARBIE
Um…G.I. Joe – could you help me stand up?

G.I. JOE
Sure babe.

(G.I. JOE extends both his muscular arms and helps BARBIE up on her feet)

(Cont’d. G.I. JOE) Feel my arms? Full of muscle

BARBIE
Oh you’re full of more than muscle

G.I. JOE
I know. I workout every two hours. Your Austrian friend Blain there…

BARBIE
…Australian friend Blain…

G.I. JOE
Whatever…Austria…Australia… It’s almost spelled the same… A couple more or less letters… Wait a minute here. Did you say AUSTRALIA???

BARBIE
What are you telling me, G.I.?

TO BE CONTINUED…
What will G.I. Joe tell BARBIE about “the accident?”
©2007, Eleanor Tylbor

/

A NIGHT OUT WITH BARBIE, KEN AND OTHER PLASTIC FRIENDS
(a comedy sketch)

SCENE:TRENDY NIGHTCLUB/BAR.

BARBIE (of Barbie doll fame) dressed in one of her trendy and stylish outfits arrives at the door with an entourage of other Barbie-like dolls i.e. BRATZ. walking on tip-toe as in a doll-like fashion. GI JOE, dressed in army fatigues and chomping on a cigar enters directly behind them, walking backwards in a semi-crouched position clutching his automatic weapon pointed at a 45 degree angle, ready to shoot.

BARBIE
Like…Joe - could you… like…maybe lower that thingie? You’re like…embarrassing me! And did you have to wear that outfit in public? It’s like…so tack-y and the colors are so wrong for you!

GIJOE
(eyes darting around the room)
I told you babe - gotta carry it with me everywhere I go. The enemy is everywhere… Could even be - her!

(points and wavies weapon at a Bratz doll).

(cont'd) She could be a double agent! You a double-agent, babe? Lemme frisk you

BRATZ DOLL
(screaming in response)
Like…Barbie – maybe you should – like - drop him?

BARBIE
(whispering)
Like…you’re em-bar-ras-sing me again, Joe!(out loud) He’s so funny, this guy! Ha-ha-ha! What a weird-o!

GIJOE
(pulling down his fatigue pants)
Hey! I’m all man where it counts! Wanna see?

(the Bratz dolls focus at GIJOE’s crotch area)

BARBIE
(pulling up his pants)
Um- Joe - we’re out for a night of fun with our friends here. Couldn’t you, like, forget about your search for enemies for a while? For me? Pleeeeze?

GIJOE
(frisking the Bratz)
Friends? How d’ya know they’re you’re friends? Huh? They could be hiding weapons

BRATZ DOLL
He’s doing it again, Barbie! Make him stop!

BARBIE
(pulling JOE away from them)
Uh…Joe - could you move my arm up to my head? I’d like to check my always blond, never-needs-a-touch-up, perfect hair

GIJOE
(jerking Barbie’s arm upwards and then on her back)
Sure honey. Anything for my sweetie.

BARBIE
Um hon - could you stop now? My arm is on my back. Bring it forward a bit…not too much…a little more… There.

GIJOE
A soldier is always on the alert to help out whenever called upon. Uh-oh. Looks like we got us a bad guy at four o’clock

BARBIE
You’re not gonna shoot up the place again…Oh silly! It’s just Ken. He is like…sooo pathetic

(KEN, Barbie’s-ex stands at the door, dressed in beach gear and holding a surf board)

(cont'd)Look at what he’s wearing! Same old tired surfer’s gear. If I told him once, I told him a dozen times to update his outfit but did he listen? Noooooo! And he wonders why I, Barbie, the queen of the fashionistas, left him! He’s like…so pathetic!

(KEN spots Barbie and company and tip-toes in doll fashion, over to their table)

KEN
Hi Barbie! Hey Bratz girls! So…surf’s up!

BARBIE
Same old Ken wearing the same old tired outfit

KEN
Oh yeah? What about your army friend over there? Every time I see him, he’s wearing those filthy army fatigues. What makes him so great?

BARBIE
Well…he’s – um – brave and he – um – protects me and…

KEN
So? I can protect you, too

BARBIE
Like how? With your surfboard? Plleeeze! Get a life!

KEN
How can I have a life without you, babe? What’s Ken without Barbie? Life just ain’t the same since you been gone

(KEN stares off into the distance)

(cont'd) Uh-oh! Is that a big wave I see there?

BARBIE
Oh Ken, Ken, Ken… It’s just a waiter with a big tray serving drinks

KEN
Of course…I knew that…

BARBIE
You’re the same old Ken. All you think about is surfing and look at yourself. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for more than twenty years.

KEN
Hey - things are gonna be different! I got me some new stuff to wear in time for Valentine’s Day. Just a sec… I brought it along in my duffle…they’re letting me wear it early…

(KEN brings out a black t-shirt, black leather jacket and boots. He puts on the t-shirt, jacket over the bathing suit and the boots)

(cont'd) So? Whad’ya think? Am I cool or what?

BARBIE
It’s an improvement…but ditch the surf board

KEN
Ditch the surf board? I-I can’t! It’s part of who I am. We go to sleep together!

BARBIE
I remember – oh how I remember!

(the BRATZ dolls suddenly screech and rush to the entrance. A hunky blond masculine looking male, BLAINE, with straight blond-ish hair makes his way to them, walking tippy-toe in doll-like fashion)

BLAINE
G’day. You’re a spunky Sheila!

(GI JOE rushes over and points his gun at BLAINE)

GIJOE
Her name ain’t Sheila – it’s Barbie! Up against the wall…hands behind your back. Told you there’s agents everywhere!

BLAINE
‘Ey mate – easy on! I’m ‘ere for a good time! Look – I got lots of quid! See? I’m rich! Drinks for everyone! If someone could reach in my pocket…

(GIJOE frisks BLAINE and brings out lots of paper bills. BARBIE watches)

BARBIE
Pleased to meet you… What did you say your name was, again? My but you have nice clothes…

KEN
But…what about me? I have new clothes, too!

GIJOE
Get out of the way, Ken! I gotta frisk this guy again. He could be hiding hand grenades

KEN
There she goes. The love of my life.

GIJOE
She’s probably a double agent. Maybe YOU’RE a double agent. Here lemme frisk you…

(GI JOE frisks KEN)

KEN
Ohhhhh…that feels good… I mean, why don’t you come back to my beach house! I could teach you how to surf and we can frisk each other while riding the waves…

(GI JOE and KEN leave with KEN’s arm on top of GIJOE’s head as GI JOE continues to frisk him)

KEN
Oh I’m baaaaad….real baaaad…


© 2006 Eleanor Tylbor