G.I. JOE , THE 'REAL' ONE DISCUSSES THE MOVIE WITH HIS NAME IN IT


After a stressful period of being relegated to a toy factory along with his love the fashionista of the vinyl set, BARBIE, along with her ex surfer-boyfriend KEN, the real G.I. JOE is quite upset that a movie has been made using his name as a draw. In a hastily called press conference, G.I. JOE with BARBIE by his side in his words, "wanted to clear the air."

"This is really didusting," G.I. Joe blustered, waving his trusty machine gun in the air to emphasize his emotional angst. "They've gone and used my name and they didn't even ask me if they could!"

"Didusting, G.I." the designer-dressed Barbie commented, smoothing her body-fitting dress and smiling for the photographers.

"Wha...?"

"You said, 'didusting'. There's no such word as that," Barbie emphasized, combing her blond, vinyl hair and cleaning her teeth with a bent vinyl finger. "It's disGUSTING."

"Yeah! It is! You're right on, babe! It is disbust...disrust...whatever the hell she said! This G.I. Joe movie thingie isn't even a real soldier, like me. It's a military unit! Nobody bothered to ask me, a gen-u-ine soldier if I wanted to be in it. Oh no. I would'a liked to, 'ya know!"

"Um...GI - remember you lost a foot when we busted out of the warehouse," Barbie interrupted the rant. "

"So? I could have sat at a table or something and held down the fort! Nobody would'a noticed." G.I. explained. "On top of it all, some dudes who call themselves Duke and Ripcord got jobs! But not me, G.I. Joe, the original soldier. It ain't fair!"

"I'll tell you what's not fair," Barbie intervened, "to have to walk on tippy-toes all your life, like me. Isn't that right, Ken?"

"Uh-oh! Listen! Surf's up! Gotta run!" Ken said, grabbing his surfboard and running out of the room.

'Don't let the surf board hit you on the way out, Ken...you sissy-boy!' Of course you're right like always, babe. Having to walk on tippy-toes is much worse than having your leg shot off. Hey - wanna go see the movie with my name in it? I got free tickets."

Placing a crutch under one arm and leaning on Barbie with the other, the pair left the room.

"Do you have to lean on me so much?" Barbie commented. "You're crushing my hair."

http://www.gijoemovie.com/

BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY:
BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

SCENE: WAITING ROOM OF PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE.

BARBIE, "THE" PLASTIC FASHIONISTA, THUMBS THROUGH THE PAGES OF ELLE MAGAZINE. SHE IS WEARING LARGE SUNGLASSES THAT COVER A LARGE PORTION OF HER FACE AND A LARGE HAT COVERS HER HEAD. SITTING NEXT TO HER IS KEN, HER ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN BOYFRIEND, WHO IS DRESSED AS PER USUAL IN SURFING TRUNKS. A SURFBOARD LEANS AGAINST THE WALL BEHIND HIM.

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Barbie and Ken. The doctor will see you now. By the way – um - Barbie, do you have a last name for my records?

BARBIE
Like…don't you know who I am, nurse? I'm Barbie! I mean, I'm everywhere in better toy retail outlets – and of course Walmart. Everyone knows me! I don't need a last name!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Everybody has a last name. You can't see the doctor until my file is complete

KEN
Tell her, Barbie! You're half a century old for crying out loud

BARBIE
Oh? Since when do you have an opinion, surfer boy? If I'm a half-century – so are you!

KEN
Am not!

BARBIE
Are too!

KEN
Fibber!

BARBIE
Surfer stupid-o!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
'Scuse me but I still don't have a last name. No last name- no see doctor

KEN
I've kept this secret because I love you, babe but I gotta tell someone. Her real name is Barbara Millicent Robert

BARBIE
(sobbing)
Ken – how could you?

KEN
There's nothing wrong with your name

BARBIE
It's so…plain and normal. I'm Barbie, fashionista! If the Bratz ever find out…

KEN
I hadda share… Wait a minute…I hear something… I smell water…

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Oh shoot! Don't tell me the toilet's running over again. I swear, plumbers these days…

KEN
(grabbing surf board and running out of waiting room)
Surf's up!

BARBIE
(composing herself)
…he promised he would keep our secret forever…

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
There…there…Ms Robert…

BARBIE
It's Barbie! Got that?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Whatever… Dr. Mak M.E. Young will see you now

(another patient walks in. Looks around the office and stares at Barbie)

PATIENT
Hey! Aren't you… You know… I forget her name…

BARBIE
Yes…go on… You see me everywhere…? I'm into high-fashion…?

PATIENT
Paris Hilton! Like...ohmygawd! I can't believe it's you!

(BARBIE jumps up and hops quickly on tip-toes into the doctor's office)

BARBIE
I need help!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
So what can I do for you today…Miss Martin? Please sit down

BARBIE
Must I? I mean, I'd rather stand up

DR. MAK ME YOUNG
All my patients have to sit across from me because…because… Just because

BARBIE
Easier said than done… Wait a minute… Maybe if I just…

(BARBIE attempts to manoeuvre into a sitting position without success. She ends up laying on her back, across the chair)

BARBIE
I'm 50 years old, doctor! Half a century! My skin is saggy and soggy and I need to re-invent myself. Those Bratz girls are just too popular

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
You know the Bratz too? You should see what I did for them! They look gor-geous!

BARBIE
Whad'ya gonna do for me?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
(examining her with a magnifying glass)
Well… too much sun-tanning…and too many late nights clubbing… It's wear-and-tear on your face, y'know! I keep telling you celebs to wear sun protection but do you listen?

BARBIE
I'm a fashionista… Like...I hav'ta do those things! Please! You have to help me! I mean, you are a plastic surgeon!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
Let me consult with my golfing buddies… I mean, let me talk about your case with other plastic surgeons. Go home and I'll get back to you

BARBIE
Please doctor – I'm desperate. Don't wait too long

(BARBIE attempts to get up without success. Finally after several ties, she manages to get in a standing position)

I hate it when this happens… If you could just move my arms down… Now push me up on my bum…

(DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG helps her, then opens the door. He extends his hand to say goodbye)

BARBIE
Just lift my arm up a little… Remember – I'm desperate – and I pay cash!

(TO BE CONTINUED… Will BARBIE receive the plastic surgery she believes she needs? Will DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG get a hole in one? These questions will be answered in the next instalment of "BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY: BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON")

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: the continuing saga of life among the plastic people
By Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE and their plastic "sisters" and "brothers" were relegated by circumstances beyond their control to live out their lives in relative obscurity, packed away in boxes in a warehouse…somewhere. At the point G.I. Joe, always the soldier was about to blast their way out of the warehouse, they were set free due to some unexpected legal proceedings and a court case. Once again, they continue to live out their lives in Plasticville.

SCENE:
BARBIE, ever the fashionista, is in her designer bedroom filled to capacity with designer clothes, trying to decide what to wear

BARBIE
Like…I can't believe I'm actually back in my designer home again with all my designer outfits, waiting to be tried on! Bend my arms a little, Ken. That's better. Now pass me those Dolce and Gabanna outfits. No – gimme the Gucci… No – I'm in a Stella McCartney-ish mood…

(G.I. Joe and Ken rush over to grab a handful of new outfits and fight each other to be thee first to hand them to her)

G.I. JOE
Get…out'ta…my…way…surfer…stupid-o! She was talking to ME!

KEN
Stupid-o? Look who's calling me stupid-o. Mr. Soldier Boy who blew off his own foot with a grenade! I'm her favourite and always will be! Right Barb babe?

G.I. JOE
Hey! That was an unforeseen accident. Anyway, I got another one. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here!

KEN
(distracted, looking off in the distance)Is that a wave I hear? Is surf up?

BARBIE
Ken…Ken…Ken… Like - life does not begin and end with surfing! There is more to life like clothes and being seen with the right people in the right places in the right time


G.I. JOE
(laughing)
Ha! See what I mean? She's not hanging-ten on your board anymore. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here! The time is right babe for you and me! Wanna go blow up something, babe?

KEN
Oh yeah? We go back like…forever, right Barb? We always were and we always will be and there's nothing that you can do about it. We've always been boyfriend and girlfriend – always. Course there was a time when we broke up… I was like…so depressed… Didn't come out of the water for weeks… Hadda get a whole new plastic skin transplant…and the smell!

G.I. JOE
You pathetic piece of plastic! You're nothing but… Press the red button on my back, sissy-boy. My new leg replacement has molded together, again

KEN
Maybe I will…and maybe I won't. Hmmmm….let me see now…

G.I. JOE
Oh fer… Okay. Tell 'ya what. Help me out and I'll give you a ride in my jeep. Your new surfboard there would fit in the back seat just perfectly. You'll be a big hit with your surfer pretty boys. I mean friends

(KEN hops over – on tip-toes – and attempts to lift G.I. JOE's shirt but his arms won't bend)

KEN
Tough luck, soldier. No bend-o, no button push-o!

BARBIE
(laughing)
Like…you two! You're like…so-so…

G.I. JOE
…army tough?

KEN

…your best beach boy?

BARBIE
Silly guys! Weird of course! Always fighting over…moi. Didn't your mommies teach you how to share?

(Doorbell rings)

BARBIE
Now who could that be? Maybe…more designer outfits? Or perhaps an invitation to a club opening? Hmmmmm….

(BARBIE hops over to the door on tip-toe and opens it)

BARBIE
(gasping in shock)
Like…what are YOU doing here?

SASHA BRATZ
Like…hi! Like…is that the way to welcome your friends. Right girls?

(SASHA barges past BARBIE followed close behind by YASMIN, CHLOE BRATZ)

YASMIN, CHLOE
Yeah – like…is that the way to treat us? Ooooooo – new clothes! Be our best friend and let us try them on?

BARBIE
You have-got-to-be-kidding! Like…why would I, Barbie, world-famous fashionista, let you, my former best friends who stabbed me in the back, like…try on these beautiful new outfits created for ME!

SASHA
How about because we're here to tell you something very important!

BARBIE
Like…who cares?

YASMIN
You will when we tell you that…that...

BARBIE

That...what?

G.I. JOE

Want me to squeeze the truth outta her, babe? Huh? I can y'know! Just say the word

(TO BE CONTINUED. WHAT IMPORTANT INFO. DO THE BRATZ'S HAVE TO TELL BARBIE? WE'LL FIND OUT DURING OUR NEXT VISIT TO PLASTICVILLE)

JURY RULES IN FAVOR OF MATTEL. BARBIE MIFFED - KEN INDIFFERENT

by Eleanor Tylbor

"Barbie and Bratz dolls are sisters, a jury has decided in a major victory to Mattel Inc., the world's largest toymaker, in its copyright infringement lawsuit against rival MGA Entertainment Inc.

The federal jury decided Thursday that the designer of MGA's Bratz characters conceived the idea for the dolls while working for Mattel — a ruling that could mean millions of dollars for the Barbie maker when the jury considers possible damages during a separate proceeding.

"http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_bi_ge/mattel_bratz


Word has it that Barbie and the Bratz' do not accept the reality that they are related.

"Like - how can...they be related to someone so...so...famous like me?" Barbie was quoted as commenting after the decision. "It's just not possible, that's all I have to say. Please make sure to photograph my best side."

For their part the Bratz girls aren't surprised with the verdict.

"We knew we were Mattel," Yasmine Bratz said. "I mean, we always felt - you know - Mattel-ish. We have our own site now and you can join us at http://www.bratz.com/ for fun and games and fashion advice."

"Fashion advice! What do...they know about fashion?" Barbie interjected. "No sense of color...or style...or...""Oh yeah? Well...girlfriend, at least we have joints that bend, which is more than can be said for you! I mean, who wants to spend their entire lives walking on tip-toe!"

"That is like...so mean!" Barbie said. "Isn't that a mean thing to say, Ken?" Barbie asked and then nudged her some times significant-other."Well isn't it?" Barbie asked once again.

"Surf's up!" Ken responded, throwing down his surfboard on the ground and attempting to surf ride the waves.

At that point the press conference was over and Barbie and the Bratz girls left arm-in-arms.

"Like...how can you go out with him?" Sasha Bratz asked, shaking her head incredulously watching Ken balancing on his surfboard.

"It's the price I must pay for being a famous personality and fashionista," Barbie sighed.

"Hey - this is a good wave!" Ken yelled, his arms flaying wildly on the floor.

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE

(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

EXILED IN A WAREHOUSE DUE TO AN UNFORESEEN PRODUCT RECALL, THE PLASTICVILLE CREW WERE UNDER SEIGE BY A DEMOLITION COMPANY, SENT TO CLEAR OUT THE WAREHOUSE



BARBIE
(struggling to lift the lid of her box)
Somehow...we've...got...to...show...that...we're...here. Can't...move...this...top. If...only my...legs...would...bend...


G.I. JOE
Stop your moaning, soldier! You're part of the proudest fighting machine in the nation! Ten-shun!


BARBIE
Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Knock-knock! Anybody home?


G.I. JOE
Who's there? Anybody-home-who? Love 'em knock-knock jokes! Go on - tell me the punch line


BARBIE
No Joe - it's not a knock-knock joke. It's not funny one little bit! Like...we gotta find a way to tell those people we're here or else it's curtains for us


KEN
Surf's up! I hear it and the smell of salt water!


BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... What you hear is the sound of heavy equipment and the smell of gasoline. Get a grip!


G.I. JOE
Yeah - get a life soldier sissy-boy! (sniffing) I just love the smell of gasoline in the morning! Hey soldiers - I think I got me an idea. I'm not quite sure yet but I feel something happening in my head. Wait a minute... Yeah - it's definitely an idea. Sometimes it's just dandruff but this time it's an idea...


KEN
Oh Gawd! We're gonna die!


(ALL THE BARBIES', KENS' AND GI JOE'S' IN THE BOXES, ECHO KEN'S WORDS)

BARBIES, KENS, GI JOES (TOGETHER): 'We're gonna diiiiie!'


G.I. JOE
(softly)
Ssssssh - quiet - everyone! The enemy is near! They think we can't hear them but I can. I've been trained to hear enemy talk. These aren't your run-of-the-mill, every-day, plastic ears, y'know! Keep your mouths shut and for gawd's sake - youze all, stop your snivelling! I can hear them... They're saying: 'Blow this place sky high!' I gotcha, you bastards! You ain't gonna get away with it! G.I. Joe is gonna blow us all to kingdom come! I got me one last grenade and...


BARBIE
No! Please! Listen to me, Joe! Babe! Soldier boy!


KEN
We're all gonna diiiiiie! I'm too young to die. I still got a lot of surfing to do!

KEN:(sung to: "Lot of Livin' to Do")
There are waves, just right for some surfing,
And I'm gonna get me a few,
Lots of curls waitin' in Hawaii,
Oh I got a lot of surfin' to doooooo!


BARBIE
Oh Ken - I love it when you sing! I almost forgot what a good voice you have


KEN
I know. Remember when I tried out for American Idol but they wouldn't let me sing to my surf board? Damn Simon! Damn Brits! What do they know about surfing? Oh babe! If only I could touch you! Remember how we used to watch the waves from your beach house, holding hands? The tips of our plastic fingers touching each other. It was magic! Waves came in...and then went out... Came in...and went out...


BARBIE
I get the picture. That seems like centuries ago! Oh why, oh why, must we deserve this fate?


G.I. JOE
Hey! As long as I got my one leg and arm - I'm gonna save us all! And don't forget I still got my teeth


KEN
...we don't have teeth, G.I....


G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. I knew that. Well...anyway. All I haf'ta do is pull this here string with my one good toe... And... Just a minute now...I'm almost there


BARBIE
No! Stop! You'll blow us all to bits!


G.I. JOE
Almost there...I got the end... just pull...


(SUDDENLY, THERE IS A HUGE BANG AND EXPLOSION. ALL THE BOXES AND THE LIDS FLY UP IN THE AIR)


KEN
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Surf's up!


BARBIE
(in mid-air)
My-my wardrobe! It's ruined! My life as a fashion icon is over! I am no longer the fashionista that everyone looks up to... The Bratts win in the end


G.I. JOE
Told you I'd get us outta here, babe! Look - there's my jeep down there! We're as good as free, babe!


(AS THEY SLOWLY FALL TO THE GROUND, ONE CAN ONLY SPECULATE AS TO WHERE THEY WILL END UP NEXT. WILL THEY BE FREE AGAIN OR ARE THEY FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE?)

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

The continuing and sometimes funny, sad but always interesting story about life and love among the plastic people)

The story so far: Barbie, famous fashionista and media doll celebrity and cyber star of the continuing cyber soap opera, BARBIE KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE, has now been relegated to a warehouse, somewhere, along with her friends, KEN, G.I. JOE, BLAIN, the BRATZ, due to a product recall. In stark contrast to their former lives of wearing expensive high end clothes and doing the club scene, they are now in the dark in the true sense of the word, stashed away in boxes.

As we pick up the story, they are in the midst of planning a rebellion to draw attention to their plight and get free in time for the Christmas rush.


BARBIE
Okay. Can we get started? Is everyone here?

G.I. JOE
Oh I’m here babe! Big time! All I gotta do is flip the trigger on this here weapon of mass destruction and then… Boom! We’re outta here big time!

BARBIE
Joe, Joe, Joe… Get this through that thick plastic blob sitting between your shoulders…

G.I. JOE
…I love when you talk dirty like that babe…

BARBIE…whatever. Like...has it hit you yet you are lying down flat on your back in a cardboard box, unable to move?

G.I. JOE
Has what hit me? Nothing hit me! At least I didn’t feel nothing… Uh-oh - it's the enemy planning to strike and I gotta act like…fast and protect youze all! All I hav'ta do is pick up my weapon here... Arm - move! It's gonna move now... I...think...I...feel...something cold...in...my...hand...

BARBIE
(sighing)
Like...just forget about your weapon. 'Kay? Focus Joe - focus!

G.I. JOE
I'm...not sure of...what...this is... I don't remember...them...making weapons with long tails. Then again...a soldier has'ta be prepared for everything and I'm the best, y'know

BARBIE
You’re a legend in your own mind. Ken? Are you around, here, somewhere?

KEN
I-I’m scared, Barbie! It’s so…dark here. And...and I'm soooo cold... Why am I so cold, Barbie?

BARBIE
'Cause it's winter and you're wearing your surfing outfit! You don't have to be scared. I'll protect you

G.I. JOE
Hey! That’s a soldier’s job!

BARBIE
Listen G.I. – like…let me lay it on you the way things are. You are stuck in a cardboard box along with the rest of us

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier is never stuck! A soldier always has options!

KEN
(sobbing)
Mommy! I want my mommy!

G.I. JOE
Oh shut your trap, sissy boy! Act like a man and not a cry-baby for pete's sake! ‘I-want-my-mommy…’ This man’s army would make a man out’ta you. Ten-shun!

BARBIE
Like…how did this happen? Me, a former fashionista whose biggest problem was what outfit to wear and which club opening to be at? Look at what I’m reduced to? Can we get on with this meeting? Blain? Are you around somewhere?

BLAIN
Here! Trying…to…lift…this…top… Forgetaboutit. When I was in Australia…

G.I. JOE
There he goes again, talkin’ about that there strange soundin’ place ‘Stra-li-a! ‘Stralia this and Stralia that.’ We don’t care about your weird sounding place with a foreign name! Got that? Or maybe you need a little convincin’ with some lead…

BARBIE
Don’t listen to him, Blain. Like…his elevator don’t go to the top floor if you get my drift. Can we start now? Like…Christmas is almost here and like…we gotta be on the shelves in toy stores or we’ll never be here…forever! We hav'ta make our move, now

(sound of sobbing coming from KEN’s box)

G.I. JOE
There he goes again. ‘Wa-wa-wa!’ Be a real doll for once in your life, soldier! Ten-shun!

BARBIE
Know what’s really sad?

G.I. JOE
I’ll tell you what’s sad, babe! I could run out’ta bullets!

BARBIE
Like…I’ve been wearing the same outfit for like…months! I mean, a fashionista like me deserves better! And…and…nobody will wanna buy me because my beautiful blond hair will be flat and…and…

BLAIN
It’s okay. In my eyes, Barbie – you’ll always be the most beautiful sheila around

G.I. JOE
What’s that? Who’s Sheila? Did he make a pass at you, babe? ‘Cause if he did…

BARBIE
Oh Blain! If only…if only…we weren’t stored away in boxes and…and…we could like…reach out and touch each other…

BLAIN
We have to make a big push to get out. What if your friend, Joe, there, could shoot himself out of his box and then he could do the same for us…

BARBIE
Like…I dunno. The last time he fired his weapon, he shot his right foot off

G.I. JOE
Hey! You promised that would be our secret. Did I cry, huh? Did I? No I didn’t because I’m a real soldier! Not like sissy-boy over there… Anyway, I still got one good foot

BLAIN
Listen – we don’t have much choice, here. Um…G.I. – we need your services as a soldier!

BARBIE
Like…I dunno. I’m getting a bad feeling about this


QUESTION DU JOUR: WILL G.I. JOE BE ABLE TO FREE THEM FROM THEIR CARDBOARD PRISONS? MORE TO THE POINT, WILL THEY SURVIVE? STATE TUNED FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF “BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE”

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life and love among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE continues in her attempt to break up with G.I. JOE, who is not getting the message. KEN, her ex-boyfriend who took off after hearing the call of the surf, has returned, unaware of the situation. Meanwhile, the BRATZ, fresh from bad critical reviews of their first (and probably last) movie, are heading back to PLASTICVILLE, expecting to return to their former roles of fashionistas

KEN
Hey everyone! I’m back! Your Ken is back, Barbie!

BARBIE
Oh…like…just what I need right now. Ken back

G.I. JOE
(picking up a rocket launcher and pointing it at KEN)
Back from where, sissy boy? How do we know where you were? You could’a given the enemy our coordinates and they could be heading this way now. We gotta kill this guy, babe

BARBIE
Not! Like…put that thing down, G.I.! Get it through your head that we don’t have any enemies. I mean, maybe badly designed outfits and tacky clothes choices…knock-off purses. That doesn’t mean anyone has’ta die! Punished, yes. Death, no.

G.I. JOE
This sissy boy…you know him?

BARBIE
Joe – this is Ken! You remember Ken, don’t you? You and him shared a beach house for a month?

KEN
Is that really you, Joey ba-bee? It’s me, Ken, your beach bunny!

G.I. JOE
(visually uncomfortable)
Um… Well… Never saw this disgusting excuse for a soldier in my life! Turn around and put your hands on the wall

KEN
Why?

G.I. JOE
I gotta frisk you - t’see if you got any hidden weapons

KEN
Ohhhhhh – I like that idea. Here let me help…

G.I. JOE
(frisking KEN)
Stand back, soldier! I’m armed with a weapon

KEN
Oh I can see that. Wanna frisk me again? Then I’ll frisk you…and then we’ll frisk each other…

BARBIE
Like…I don’t wanna break up your sick game but G.I. – we hav’ta talk. Now please?

(suddenly, there is the sound of a car engine and a Corvette pulls up)

Sasha! Jade! Jasmin! Cloe! The Bratz are back!

G.I. JOE
You know these dolls?

BARBIE
Never saw them before in my life!

G.I. JOE
Aha! The enemy has many faces. Okay ladies. Up against the wall and spread your legs

(G.I. JOE attempts to push the Bratz dolls against the wall and they hop along instead on their tip-toes)

(cont’d.) I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
We can’t! Like…our legs won’t move apart! God knows we've been trying for years and don't even ask about our sex lives

G.I. JOE
Don’t gimme none of your lame excuses. I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
And I’m telling you – we can’t!

SASHA
Like…hi Barbie! We’re back! Where’s the party?

BARBIE
You have some nerve! The four of you take off on me…like…a long time ago and like…you try to be movie stars and like…you sucked big time and now…like you expect me to welcome you back with open arms?

SASHA
Well…yeah. Why not?

BARBIE
Um – well – because – lemme think on that question

YASMIN
The bad movie director kept telling us to emote and like…we kept telling him we couldn’t!

BARBIE
How come?

YASMIN
We don’t know what the word means. Oh Barbie – please forgive us! We miss your parties… I mean, we’ve missed you.

BARBIE
Like…right now I got other more important problems to worry about

CLOE
What could be more important than…us?

BARBIE
Um – well – him…(gesturing to G.I. JOE who is crawling around on his stomach looking for "the enemy") and Ken…and Blaine

CLOE
Blain? Who’s Blain?

BARBIE
That Australian surfer dude laying on the ground over there
(The BRATZ dolls hop over to where BLAIN is laying, staring at him)

CLOE
Hey – he’s cute

BLAIN

(lifting his head and looking up)
Mummy? Is it time for din-dins yet?

BARBIE
See what I mean?

KEN
Hey ladies – remember me? We surfed together?

CLOE
Is he still hanging around?

G.I. JOE
Okay ladies. Hands up in the air! How do I know you’re who you say you are? Gimme some proof. They gotta gimme proof, babe, or you know what I gotta do!

BARBIE
(slapping G.I. JOE across the face after each word)
You (slap)-stop (slap)-that (slap)-talk (slap)-right (slap)-now!