Characters encounter problems phoning home. A taste of "The Lemon"

As Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say, "it's always something."

Sometimes you write a play and although it seems like it has good-bordering-on-great possibilities, it languishes in the maybe-some-day file. The play at issue, "The Lemon", focuses on the trials and tribulations of a woman attempting to get help to remove her car, a "lemon"  stalled in a busy intersection blocking traffic.

A 15-minute comedy play-ette as I like to call my short but sweet stories, it has been tinkered with over the years including modifications to strengthen the flow of dialogue. The saga involves the use of a public pay phone and therein lies the problem.

In order to make my plays relevant, frequent updates are done, however - as frequently mentioned in my blogs, it's always the 'howevers' that get you in the end - this is a situation requiring a reappraisal of its viability.

Public pay phones are becoming a rarity and according to Wikipedia, "since 2007, the number of payphones in the United States in operation has declined by 48%. In July 2009, AT&T officially stopped supporting the Public Payphone service. Over 139,000 locations were sold in 2009."

In this play-ette, the main character (Penny) is attempting to convince the user of the pay phone to allow her to arrange for her "lemon" to be towed to a garage since her cell phone is dead. Here's what I mean:

PENNY
I don't believe this! How many more things can go wrong, today?

SOUND: car horns. PENNY looks off into the distance and makes an obscene gesture with hand

(cont'd. PENNY)  'Blow it out your nose, idiots! You'll get more out of that!' So typically me. Get a new cell phone and forget to charge it.

(aside to female in phone booth)

PENNY (owner of car/lemon)

'Scuse me - are you gonna be much longer?

FEMALE PHONE USER (FPU)
Do you mind? I'm almost finished. Why don't you use your cell phone?

PENNY
Duhhh! Don't you think I would if I could? Humor me for thirty seconds and perhaps you'll understand my dilemma. Over there in the middle of the intersection - see that car?

FPU
You mean the orange-colored wreck? You actually own that? I'd keep it to myself if I was you.

PENNY
I bought the rusting chunk of junk a week ago, why I don't know but the price was right, and it died on me, today. There's a sucker born every minute and the dealer saw a big red "S" right here on my forehead. Desperation causes one to make questionable decisions

FPU
Okay. I looked at your car. Now can I finish my conversation? The more you interrupt, the longer it'll take

(FPU turns away - PENNY taps her on the back)

PENNY
Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not a violent person by nature - not at all - but you're pushing my buttons. Wait - I made a joke...get it? Public phone booth...push the buttons... In my personal angst, I still manage to find humor. I'm a survivor alright.
Gotta take things in my own hands...

(PENNY reaches over, disconnects and grabs the phone)

FPU
How dare you! You...you...crazy woman. Get away from me!

PENNY
How dare I? How dare I, you ask? How many times did I tell you that I had to make a desperate phone call but did you listen? Nooooooo! Your phone conversation took precedent over my needs, so I took things into my own hands in the true sense of the word. If you don't mind and even if you do, my call needs privacy so block your ears and turn away. Better still, go away

FPU
'Scuse me? After the way you interrupted my conversation. I think not

PENNY
(rummaging through handbag)
Fine...whatever. Let's see here...where's my phone directory...course there's one on my cell if it was working... The handbag is so big, everything gets lost inside. Aha! So this is where my salami sandwich went. Phew! Mind tossing that into the trash over there?

FPU
I think not. Go  throw it in, yourself. It's a mere few feet away

PENNY
Surrrre - uh-huh... You think I'm an idiot?

FPU
The thought did cross my mind in addition to you being insane.

PENNY
I take one step away from here and you jump in and take control over the phone, again. Not! I'll just put it back in my handbag and toss it when you're gone. Nothing like the smell of rotting salami on a hot day (PENNY moves/waves her hand over the handbag in FPU's direction)

FPU
That is truly disgusting. You're gonna contaminate the phone

PENNY
So then you better not use it. Let's see here - where's the number of my dealership. I should'a filed it under 'losers'. Here it is...


And so their repartee continues, the two attempting to gain and retain control over the phone. The issue is if the play is still relevant and/or if it can be updated and relevant for today's society. Still, when it's all done and written, I do like this short play...  As mentioned at the beginning, it's always something.

 

A change of direction for "Seeds" - Mr. Bird fades in

Been adding to "Seeds" although not as often as I like or should. Progress is dependent upon sudden brain storms or those rare but very welcome "eureka!" moments that give clarification to the story line.

Somehow, and after reading over what currently exists, there seems to be - at least in my mind - that the direction the play is taking is too predictable bordering on blech.
The subject, an accidental meeting of two people in a park, one of whom seems to have what could be best described as an unusual gravitation to pigeons, is interesting. However - as mentioned numerous times in this blog, it's always the 'howevers' in life that get you - it's too ordinary and needed a shake-up. So...

A new character has been added. Elwood P. Dowd had his rabbit, Harvey, and now Sylvia Perkins has joined his league with her friend of a feather, Mr. Bird, a pigeon.

Following yet another run in with Hal, a  park supervisor, who wants to maintain cleanliness and limit the appearance of pigeon poo in his territory, Julie feels a moral responsibility to help Sylvia. The two return to Julie's apartment and at the mention of the word "bath" and a failed attempt to remove Sylvia's weather-worn rain coat, Mr. Bird suddenly puts in an appearance, in a manner of speaking.  Maybe it'll work and maybe it won't - hav'ta see where this will take me, if anywhere. If not, it'll be yet another return to the drawing/re-writing board.

Yet another snippet of dialogue from "Seeds." Julie attempts to convince Sylvia to stay for supper and warm up. When 'speaking' with Mr. Bird, Sylvia turns her head to the side

JULIE

How about a plain, old American cheese sandwich and a coffee? Indulge me as your new friend. Look – it’s snowing out so why not wait until morning. This couch opens up into a bed and at least you'll have a full stomach and a night's sleep. It's better than a park bench

SYLVIA

You’re very kind but I can’t possibly stay. It’s getting late and my friends will be wondering where I am

(Turns her head to the side) ‘I know, Mr. Bird. I’m trying to explain our need to leave…’

JULIE

Really, Mr. Bird, one night in a warm bed won’t make a difference in the scheme of things. Wouldn’t that be better than hanging out in a park or building heating ducts? This is getting more weird by the minute… I’m definitely losing it. Next I'll be talking to squirrels. Correct me if I’m wrong here, Sylvia, but there’s only two people in this room, you and me, right?

          SYLVIA Recoils in horror and backs away

SYLVIA

How could you be so cruel? You’re just like all the other humans we meet. No feelings whatsoever for those less-fortunate who have to survive living on the generosity of others and on the cusp of society. You have hurt Mr. Bird’s feelings for the last time. We are leaving (turns her head to the side) ‘I’m ready to leave if you are, Mr. B’

JULIE

Please – wait. Perhaps I’ve acted too hastily. After all, we’re still at the getting to know you, stage, and I don’t want to threaten our budding friendship with misunderstandings. How about this: you and – um – Mr. Bird stay for a bite and I’ll give you a bag of peanuts to take back. Don’t believe I’m actually making a deal that involves a…

SYLVIA

(turning her head to the side)

‘What do you think? I mean, she is trying…then there's a bag of peanuts at the end… You’re in agreement, then?’ We have accepted your apology

 

          SYLVIA starts laughing

‘That is like…so funny. Where do you pick up those funny gems? 

JULIE

Am I missing something?

SYLVIA

(continuing to laugh hysterically)

It’s Mr. Bird – he has such a weird sense of humor and especially adroit telling jokes. He wants me to pass along one he heard in the park: you can never lose a homing pigeon. If he doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon

          (SYLVIA laughs uproariously)

 

You are such a joker, Mr. Bird!’ Mr. Bird wants to know what you think of his joke. It’s one of his best

JULIE

Humor is subjective, especially bird humor. Weird – don’t recall you introducing Mr. Bird when we first met

SYLVIA

He’s a free spirit. Comes and goes when the mood hits him. He’s really taken to you. Usually he only hangs around for a few minutes

ZOO DIARY - Thanksgiving - a fowl day for turkeys

In recognition of the up-coming U.S. Thanksgiving holiday.

ZOO DIARY – TURKEY’S DILEMMA

 

SCENE: CITY ZOO

Thanksgiving eve. The zoo denizens are upset with the zoo directorate having not been included in the Thanksgiving celebrations

RAT

Once again, we’re not included in Thanksgiving celebrations

ZEBRA

Did you really expect to? I mean, why should they? Who are we? Merely the tools in which they make money. That’s all - and how do they thank us? Closing the zoo for the day so we can’t even expect extra treats from visitors. This is so typically…human
 
SOUND: GOBBLE-GOBBLE… GOBBLE-GOBBLE….

RAT

What’s that noise?

ZEBRA

Noise? What noise? Are my stripes straight?

RAT

You don’t hear that?

ZEBRA

‘You are magnificent… Those teeth…those sparkling eyes…’

RAT

Maybe if you’d get your face away from that mirror and stop admiring yourself…

ZEBRA

A person has to make sure that he looks good from every angle. Being the sole representative of the zebra specie in this zoo comes with a responsibility. A daily body examination is necessary to ensure that all my black stripes are evenly spaced on my perfectly white skin. ‘Yesssss! Perfection personified!’

RAT

Far be it to burst your bubble, Zeeb…

ZEBRA

…I am not zeeb - or zebby - or zeeby-baby. I’m a zebra. Z-E-B-R-A!

RAT

Gotcha Zebby-boy – like I was sayin’ – the way that I see it, the stripe on your upper right leg doesn’t well…match the left

ZEBRA

What?! You must be mistaken. It’s not possible… How could this be? I just checked it not two minutes ago and it was perfectly aligned

(MANNY, the boa constrictor slithers in)

Hey – how ‘ya doin’?

RAT

Manny – you’re out. Free. Did you eat lunch, yet?

ZEBRA

Yes Manny – I do hope they’ve fed you some nourishment. I mean, it’s important to keep up your strength. We don’t want you slithering around hungry looking for anybody, heh-heh…

RAT

That’s the last thing we need - being that we’re your friends and all - that is to say, we don’t want you to experience hunger pangs…

MANNY

As I remember, I had a nibble a month ago but no in between snacks since then. Sure is quiet around here. No humans to knock on the glass of my enclosure. One day...one sweet day...someone is gonna hit hard enough to break the glass and they'll find out why my knick-name is Mr. Squeeze

NOISE: GOBBLE-GOBBLE  GOBBLE-GOBBLE…

RAT

There it is again. Sounds familiar-like

(a turkey suddenly drops down from a tree)

TURKEY

Save me!

ZEBRA

A tree chicken. How unique. 

TURKEY

I am a turkey who requires sanctuary

RAT

Listen chicken sweetheart…

TURKEY

…turkey…I am – um – an endangered specie. Yes – that’s it - and am declaring myself on the extinct list thus requiring sanctuary

ZEBRA

You must be someone important judging by your extensive vocabulary. All cultured and important species have an extensive vocabulary – and a beautiful body, of course (zebra looks at himself in the mirror) You handsome fool!

 TURKEY

I am very important. In fact, I can state with absolute knowledge that I am number one on everyone’s hit list, today

MANNY

(slithering closer)

Well I for one, believe you. You do look very appealing – in an endangered species way of course

RAT

Wish we could help, turkey, but we live out in the open with nowhere to hide

ZEBRA

I could send a protest letter to the Zoos of America if that could assist you in any way

TURKEY

I am doomed!

MANNY

(slithering almost directly in front of TURKEY)

Well turkey – really feel for you, in the true sense of the word. I just happen to live inside in a huge glass enclosure that has lots of hiding places.  Why don’t you come back to my place and check things out? I live alone and there’s nobody to bother or see us

TURKEY

That’s a very generous offer on your part –

MANNY

-   Manny –

TURKEY

- Manny. It's not often that a stranger reaches out to a fellow traveller on the highway of life

MANNY

Anything for a friend in need.

(the two start to make their way to MANNY’s place)

(cont’d.) Did anyone ever tell you that you have a beautiful, full body. I bet under all those feathers, you have nice firm flesh

TURKEY

The farmer took good care of me up until before Thanksgiving. You can see for yourself when we get back to your place

 MANNY

Oh I intend to

TURKEY

Can I give you a hug?

MANNY

Later…when we’re alone…they’ll be plenty of hugging to go around

Planting "Seeds" - a name is a name is name...

Still making progress with "Seeds" but there are signs of a slow down, which is par for the course. It's at the point where that distressing word, "blocked" begins to seep through  the conscious writing areas of my brain  and doubts emerge like, "maybe the story line isn't strong enough" or nagging questions that include "do you know where you're going with this?"

Rather than plug away and continue to write as is suggested in writing manuals and advocated by writing professionals, I use this as a time for reflection. Translation: time to take a rest and think about stuff. Important stuff like an analysis of the characters names and whether they match their personalities. The issue of  "Hal" the latest character addition, is on the analysis block. Initially, Hal was "Chuck" and before that he assumed the temporary name of "Steve." Not that there's anything wrong with any of the above-mentioned names but the names had to have a certain mental image to match the dialogue. Important issues must be scrutinized, for example, does the name, Hal, have a park employee feel to it? As in, "Hal - a dog is off leash and chasing squirrels" type issue.

The female characters are also under review including "Sylvia" who was one of two players in the original short version of "Seeds." Assessing her character strength and longevity involved walks around the neighborhood repeating her name to decide if the name suited her personality. Did receive some suspicious looks from passer-bys but that's goes with the play writing territory. Somehow, "Julie", was never in question and seems right - so far - depending on how things progress. More delays could mean that Julie might be re-born with a new stage name.

At present I'm thinking as to whether should there be a head pigeon leading the park pigeons into a rebellion and if so, whether she/he should have a name. Further thoughts require a deep study into a strong pigeon name. Perhaps "Thor" or "Xena"..."Sunny" and whether the pigeons should have the ability to communicate to their humans in English or stick strictly to their well-known, "brrpps."

It's always a good thing to have one's writing priorities in the right place.

"SEEDS" - the continuing story of pigeons and friendship

My muse paid me a visit this week and it's about time, too. It's been somewhat of a dry spell pursuing the continuing story of Julie, the park jogger, and her chance meeting with Sylvia, the ultimate pigeon lover. The story is slowly developing in an on-again, off-again fashion.

Yet another snippet:

An encounter with Hal, the park supervisor, who warns Sylvia that more significant steps will be taken if she refuses to cease and desist the feeding of her feathered friends.

 

JULIE

Sorry I took so long but my boss called. Hadda explain why I wasn’t back. Course I lied but then it was for a good cause. A friend of yours, Sylvia? Introduce us.

          SYLVIA is silent

I’ll go out on a limb here and guess that judging by your uniform, you work for the parks department

          HAL is silent

Nice park you have here. I take a short jog through here on my lunch hour. Met up with Sylvia not two hours ago but it’s like we’ve known each other forever. Maybe we were friends in a past life or something. Course not everyone believes in that stuff but I think there’s something to it. Am I missing something? You can cut the silence between you two with a knife

HAL

I was just warning Sylvia that she has to stop feeding the pigeons. It’s not like I haven’t told her a thousand times before but I’m getting heat from the director to take more action, the type she won’t like

SYLVIA

I’ve tried to explain the situation to my friends but they don’t listen for whatever reason. Pigeons can be very stubborn when they sense a threat. Don’t think they like you, Hal

JULIE

Oh I think Hal here is merely doing his job, right Hal? Are you on duty here five days a week? I would have remembered seeing you for sure

SYLVIA

He’s a threat to pigeons. How come you don’t pick on other birds or squirrels?

 HAL

They don’t leave blobs of white everywhere like your feathered friends do

SYLVIA

How do you know that? You’re not here on guard twenty-four-hours a day. It’s a personal thing with you, isn’t it? Admit it! You hate them!

JULIE

Now Sylvia, I’m sure Hal here is just doing his job. Never met a pigeon lover like Sylvia. Here every day to feed them. Why I don’t know…that is to say, a person has to take a rest now and then to take care of themselves. I was just telling her she’s not dressed for this weather and needs to wear warmer clothes. We were just sharing a hot pretzel and coffee…here’s your pretzel, Sylvia. Probably cold by now but the coffee is still warm

          SYLVIA breaks the pretzel into small pieces

HAL

Don’t even think about feeding that to the pigeons

JULIE

Of course she’s not. She’s a law-abiding citizen, aren’t you friend? We were about to head for my apartment. Right Sylvia? I need some decorating advice and it seems she has a flair for design.

SYLVIA

But..

JULIE

Don't be so modest! Such an avant-garde trendsetter. Very much in demand and I’m fortunate enough to have met up with her in this very park. Fate I guess

SYLVIA

I can’t…

JULIE

…fit me in your schedule? I’m in no rush. Meanwhile you can offer me advice on wall colors and maybe a few decorating tips. Getting colder by the minute. Better head home. Nice meeting you, Hal. You wouldn’t happen to have a card with your contact number, would you? Never know when I might need help being that I’m a jogger. I could trip and need some assistance, being that I run here from noon to one except on Fridays

 

          JULIE attempts to usher SYLVIA away but SYLVIA

          resists

(Cont’d. JULIE) Silly me. You want to say goodbye to your feathered friends. Then we really have to leave

HAL

 

Better leave now with your human friend, Sylvia

JULIE

 

Look at the time! Really gotta go. Don’t you just love these pretzels?

          JULIE drags SYLVIA away as she looks back at the

          pigeons, her arm extended towards them

Some thoughts about playwriting while working on "Seeds"

 

"A stage play is basically a form of uber-schizophrenia. You split yourself into two minds - one being the protagonist and the other being the antagonist. The playwright also splits himself into two other minds: the mind of the writer and the mind of the audience. (David Mamet)
 

Had one of those "eureka!" moments while working on my play this morning and not really a surprising revelation to writers.

Inspiration comes in moments.

Sometimes, too frequently as I've bemoaned in previous blog entries, a writer can sit in front of a computer staring at the white screen to the point of snow blindness, anticipating a flurry of ideas to flood in. For me, it's not usually the result of a lack of ideas but the inability to hone in on one interesting scenario that could be adapted into a play. Dozens of potential story ideas that didn't pan out are currently stored in the "save" file, which hopefully will be scrutinized and reviewed at a future date. Then there are those unfortunately rare occasions when you get that gut feeling that whatever you're writing is sheer genius.

"So given the upbeat mood, one assumes that "Seeds" is moving along?"

So far it's actually writing itself, in that the characters necessitate further exploration. The story focuses on two females whose paths cross in an unexpected way and place. Good Samaritan, Julie, steps out of her comfort zone and stops to intervene in what she believes to be a fellow individual in need of her help. She feels compelled to intrude in Sylvia's routine of feeding pigeons given the circumstances of their meeting up. Julie realizes that not everyone wants to be helped and that you can't help a person if they don't want to help themselves or see themselves requiring help. Therein lays her challenge and dilemma.

Another character has been introduced in the form of  Burt, who works for the park department. In his capacity as park supervisor and in spite of numerous verbal reprimands, he warns her (Sylvia) that he has been ordered to take stronger measures to discourage the presence of her flying friends. The challenge is how Sylvia will respond to Burt's threat and what steps will she take to ensure the safety of her feathered friends? How will this affect the friendship between Sylvia and Julie?

BURT

I was just warning Sylvia that she has to stop feeding the pigeons. It's not like I haven't told her a thousand times before, but I'm getting heat from the director to take more action, which she won't like

SYLVIA

I've tried to explain the situation to my friends, here, but they don't listen for whatever reason. Don't think they like you, Burt

JULIE

Never met a pigeon lover like Sylvia. Comes here every day to feed them. Why I don't know - that is to say, a person has to take a rest now and then to take care of themselves. I was telling her she's not dressed for this weather and needs warmer clothes. We're sharing a hot pretzel and coffee. Here's your pretzel, Sylvia

And so the dance continues...Sylvia defending her pigeons, Julie reaching out to help a fellow human being and developing a new friendship and Burt about to make his move.

A snippet of "Pigeon Feed" - the play

Been adding dialogue and fleshing out the characters in the extended version of "Pigeon Feed" a.k.a. For the Birds. Always amazed while in the writing process, how some plays (few and far between) write themselves and the characters almost dictate the direction they should take.

Meanwhile, here is a snippet from the opening of the play. The best way to describe it would be a comedy/drama in that as in life, there are elements of comedy mixed with drama. Formatting is strictly to share this excerpt from the play.

PIGEON FEED

 

 

SETTING:  CITY PARK

 

AT RISE:  Early afternoon. SYLVIA, dressed in a non-descript, thread-bare raincoat, sits alone on a park bench, feeding pigeons out of a paper bag.

 

JULIE jogs by SYLVIA, stops, turns around and approaches slowly, still jogging. Talking in short spurts,

 she attempts to catch her breath

 

 

SOUNDS: Cooing pigeons. Children at play

 

JULIE

(speaking in spurts)

'Scuse me...but do...you...happen...to have the time? The battery on my watch died on me for a change. I'm like...so...out...of...breath. Strong...wind! Then again, could be 'cause I gained weight. Neh! Probably just a strong wind

 

(examines watch, taps watch face, slides watch off her wrist Shakes and hits it repeatedly against her hand)

 

My former boyfriend gave me this watch for my last birthday, the cheap jerk. Junk is junk is junk. Told me it was a Gucci original. Yeah - sure! Originally for suckers like me who date losers like him. Really cold out! You can smell winter coming, don't you find? (takes tissue from her jacket pocket and wipes nose) The wind is making my nose run. This would be the perfect opportunity for you to jump in and say, 'so go catch it!' (laughs and snorts)  My feeble attempt at humor. Obviously very feeble. Guess I'll be running along. Get it? Running along and I'm jogging? Maybe not that funny. Anywaaaay - that's exactly what I'm gonna do now... Just...run...along...

 

(Takes a few steps. Stops. Turns around and walks back to Sylvia)

 

Better t'rest for a while. Don't wanna have a heart attack or anything. I mean, go know if anyone passing by would know CPR. A friend of mine? Well...she took a course in CPR and would you believe, one day she hadda save someone having a heart attack. Oh Gawd! Imagine putting your lips on a stranger's lips! Who knows where they've been, if you get my drift. Still, a life's a life and she had a moral and legal obligation. Anyway... D'ya mind if I share this bench with you? If it's a problem I can sit at one end and you can sit at the other. We don't have to talk to each other. Some people are weird about speaking to strangers but not me. Uh-uh! I enjoy the give and taking of sharing ideas with new people. Are you a people person?

 

(Takes out a package from her jacket pocket)

 

Here - have some. Not a nut lover, huh? Then wha'cha doin' talkin' to me? (laughs out loud and snorts) Another attempt at humor. You allergic? That it? I absolutely love sunflower seeds and this brand is the best. So where was I now... Anyway, my friend saved the stranger's life but along the way, she somehow broke a few of his ribs. I mean, she's never done real CPR before other than when she took the course, so it's understandable. Right? Had the full media treatment and was treated like a hero. A complete stranger giving the gift of life and all. A month or so later, she receives a lawyer's letter. Would you believe the guy whose life she saved was suing her for breaking his ribs? How's that for gratitude? The guy could have died had she not been there at that right time and place and he sues her!

SOUNDS: Pigeons cooing, flutter of wings

Duck! We're being attacked by pigeon poo! (laughs and snorts) Know what? There's a whole family of pigeons living inside the letters 'B' and 'P' at the supermarket, where I shop. They moved in like the squatters they are Takers - the whole world is full of takers. My finger tips are absolutely numb with cold. Yours?

(Shakes her hands and rubs them together)

I'm Julie, by the way and your name is ? Being that we just met, I should respect your right to privacy. How 'bout this. Let me guess your name and you can tell me if I'm right - only if you want, of course. You look to be a Vicky or maybe Sue-Ann? How about Cheryl? A Constance perhaps? Feel free to speak whenever the urge overcomes you. Sorry - didn't mean to come across sarcastic.

(Sylvia stops feeding pigeons momentarily)

I'm gonna call you, Amy, if that's alright? People should call each other by whatever name they think suits the person and you definitely strike me as an Amy type.

SYLVIA
Sylvia. My name is Sylvia.

JULIE
Seriously? You're a Sylvia? Go figure! Had an aunt Sylvia. Family hated her guts - miserable battle-axe that she was. When she croaked she left us five thousand big one's each. We liked Aunt Sylvia a whole lot better when she was dead (laughs and snorts) C'mon - take some. Share and share alike, I always say

SYLVIA
Maybe later...not now

JULIE
No problem-o. Plenty more where this came from

SYLVIA
(excited)
You...you have a source for seeds? Where? Is it far away?

JULIE
It's called a su-per-mar-ket. Sorry - I tend to over-dose on jokes when I have an audience. So - like - you come here every day to feed...them?

SYLVIA
Pigeons never forget who their friends are. They always come back

JULIE
Think so, huh? As long as they get hand outs, they will. Don't get me wrong 'cause I'm a bird liker - well at least I don't hate pigeons but the way I see it, pigeons are flying rats with wings. Their friendship will last as long as the food in your hand. I insist we share these

SYLVIA
I don't want any but my feathered friends, here, do

JULIE
Listen - nothing personal but let 'em find their own food supply, 'kay?

SYLVIA
(makes pigeon sounds)
Brrrrrppp. Brrrppp They're so beautiful, don't you find?

JULIE
Just...darling little things. Not everyone can speak pigeon-eeze. It's a gift for sure

 

 

 



Pigeon feed - the story continues

JULIE

"D'ya mind if I share this bench with you? If it's a problem I can sit at one end and you can sit at the other. We don't have to talk to each other. Some people are weird about speaking to strangers but not me. Uh-uh! I enjoy the give and taking of sharing ideas with new people. Are you a people-person?"


A while back, maybe ten years or so, came across a site that was calling for submissions to a video competition. Having recently completed a new short play, it seemed like a perfect vehicle for the competition in spite of being written in playwriting form. After a short communication with the producer/director, he told me to send it along anyway and he'd give it a look over. The long and the short of it as they say is that even though it wasn't the winner, it achieved a second honorable place, plus it had the distinction of being converted into a short film script.

The plot always intrigued me and over time and frequent read-throughs, it always struck me that there was more to the story then was told. I'm a big believer in timing and what was deemed a finished play can suddenly take on new possibilities when viewed in a new light. Such is the case with "For the Birds."

A comedy/drama, the story focuses on the accidental meeting of two lonely souls whose encounter in a park turns out to be an eye-opener, in more ways than one. At present, the two main characters are getting to know each other with overtures of friendship being more one-sided. How and why this "shorty" play has suddenly taken on a new life is a mystery but as mentioned, timing is everything in life.

OLD SOLDIERS - for Memorial Day

 

OLD SOLDIERS DON'T DIE - THEY  FADE AWAY

 

 

 

In recognition of Memorial Day, the first few pages of "OLD SOLDIERS."

 



OLD SOLDIERS

 

THE TIME:

 THE PRESENT. MORNING.

 

SETTING:

 A PUB/BAR.

 

AT RISE:

SERVICE VETERAN, JOE MCKENNA, SITS AT A TABLE READING A NEWSPAPER, WHILE WAITING FOR HIS BUDDIES TO ARRIVE. A WHITE DOG LAYS ON THE FLOOR BY HIS FEET. BACKGROUND MUSIC SUPPLIED BY AN OLD JUKE BOX

 

JOE

(to himself)

Yup…yup…yup… The way things are goin’, won’t be long before we’re all gone. Poor old, Perce. Died alone without anyone there to see him on his way to the big battlefield in the sky. ‘Here’s to you, Perce! You’ll be missed for sure!’

 

                                    Lifts glass in the air and lowers it

 

‘Refill, Vince.’

JOE’S FRIEND, MIKE, DRESSED IN FULL UNIFORM JOINS HIM AT THE TABLE

 

MIKE

Freezing out there. Wind cuts like a knife. See you got a head start. Buying us a round?

 

JOE

You just got here and already trying to mooch a free drink?

MIKE

When it comes to mooching, bud, you got that covered and then some. When’s the last time you paid?

 

JOE

(pretends to take out imaginary book)
 

Lemme’ check my diary here…last Wednesday, three in the afternoon. You buying or not?

 

MIKE
 

Not. How come you’re not in full dress?

 

JOE

 

What for? I don’t need no uniform to remind myself what we went through

 

MIKE

 

Just don’t seem right, is all

 

JOE

Got it stored away in the back of the cupboard, along with a lot of mothballs. Anyway, the jacket buttons don’t close properly

 

MIKE
 

You reek bad, Joe! Obviously, you tried on the jacket. Smell sticks to your clothes

 

JOE

 

I’ll warn you in advance the next time I try it on. You buying, or what?

 

MIKE

 

Like I told you, not

JOE

You are a cheap bastard! I’m stuck paying, again. ‘Vince – two whiskeys’

 

MIKE

-         Joe here is paying by the way -

 

JOE

-         whatever. See you’re in full regalia.

 

MIKE

If I don’t wear it today, when then? Take it out once a year

 

                                    VINCE, the bartender, brings over drinks

 

VINCE

One of you guys forget to wash?

 

MIKE

 

Joe here uses moth balls to store his uniform

 

JOE

Why should I share it with the moths?

 

VINCE
 

No insult intended but you’re stinking up my bar. Wouldn’t hurt to go and air yourself out a bit. You paying cash, Joe, he asked hopefully

 

JOE

Put it on my tab. Mike here’s as cheap as they come. You’d think for a special occasion he’d spring for a round but noooo….  that would be asking too much for his old friend

 

VINCE
 

Nice if one of you would pay cash for a change. Joe - your tab goes back more than a year. Let’s see here …you owe me $1500.34. I’m feeling generous today so drop the thirty-four cents and make an even $1500

 

JOE

You’re all heart. Where d’ya expect me to find that kind of money on my service pension?

 

VINCE

At least give me something towards it. Anything! I have bills to pay, too, y’know

 

JOE

Next check. I’ll give you a couple of bucks. May have to give up some food items and my dog here will have to get used to eating just a few days a week…

 

VINCE

Why don’t you lay on the guilt a bit more. Listen - about your Daisy… You know I’ve never objected to you bringing her here. She’s a good dog and I like her a lot but as I said, dogs aren’t allowed in bars. I’ve closed my eyes up until now but there’s a new inspector and word has it that he goes by the letter of the law

 

JOE

She’s a service dog. Aren’t you girl?

 

                                    Daisy picks up her head responding to hearing her name

 

She goes where I go. Calms my nerves and watches out for me

 

MIKE

How old is she, anyway? Getting’ on in years

 

JOE

What’s the difference? She’s there when I need her

 

VINCE

She better be legally registered when or if the inspector comes ‘round

 

JOE

Don’t worry ‘bout my Daisy. I’ll just explain there’s extenuating circumstances

 

VINCE

Don’t say I didn’t warn you

 

JOE

Mac’s supposed to meet us here

 

MIKE

Seriously? The man doesn’t drive and uses a walker. How’s he getting here?

 

JOE

He wants to join us for Percy’s funeral

 

MIKE

Amazing. Never lets his condition stop him from doing anything. Sometimes I wonder how he gets around but he manages. Mind over matter I guess. It’s either that or give up and die. Mind you, sometimes when pain takes over, it don’t seem like such a bad idea

 

JOE

He just walked in. Poor guy can hardly move. ‘Over here, Mac!’

 

MIKE

None of us are peppy anymore, in case you hadn’t noticed. My glass is empty by the way

 

JOE

Yeah and? I bought last time

 

MIKE

So what. You owed me from all the rounds I bought before

 

JOE

It’s your turn, el cheapo!

 

MAC

(gasping to catch his breath)

Really…windy… out… there – and cold. Hope the wind… dies…down… for later. Hard to get around in this kind of weather, ‘specially with my walker. What times the funeral, anyway?

 

MIKE

You really planning to attend, Mac? Not trying to discourage you or anything but it’ll be hard pushing your walker on grass and that wind…

 

MAC

I’ll manage. Old Percy was one of the last few members of our group. He deserves our respect and he’d do the same for any of us. Can’t believe he’s gone… Really cold out

 

JOE

You look like an ice cube and your hands are blue. Why didn’t you wear gloves? How’d you get here, anyway?

 

MAC

By bus. Took me forty-five minutes if you don’t count standing at the bus stop waiting for twenty minutes. Damn busses never stick to their schedule

 

MIKE

You shouldn’t even be out in this cold. Didn’t the doctor warn you to stay home in extreme temperatures. This sure qualifies

 

JOE

What’s in the package?

 

MAC

Got a treat for Daisy

 

                                    MAC takes a bone out of a bag

 (cont’d. MAC) Found it in the trash in back of the supermarket on the way here. Look at it – a perfectly good bone with lots of meat. Probably even good enough for us to eat. You should see all the food they toss out there. Fruit and veggies with a couple of bruises and piles of bread. Cakes too!

 

                                    DAISY struggles to get up as MAC gives her the bone

 

MIKE

The dog eats better than we do. You… don’t take things from the trash…do you?

 

MAC

I personally don’t but what if I did? There are people in third world countries that wouldn’t think twice about eating it. ‘There you go Daisy. A perfectly good bone for you. Enjoy. ’Ouch…trouble standing up…back is out again. Stupid bus trip didn’t help none

 

JOE

Why didn’t you take a cab?

 

MAC

You hav’ta be kidding. Like I can afford a taxi? I’m here now so stop jabbering and order me something warm. No – make that hot. Gonna be freezing at the cemetery for sure. Not too many people will show up ‘specially at our age

 

MIKE

There ain’t that many at our age, left. We don’t get to choose the kind of weather t’get buried. Funeral’s called for noon. No uniform?

MAC

Can’t do up the buttons, hands shake that badly. At least I’m wearing my cap