Elvis - the Real Story...maybe

A year-long celebration to commemorate Elvis Presley's first professional recording on July 5, 1954, is set to take place on Independence Day weekend in Memphis and Graceland. There are people who believe that "the King" is still alive and that he planned his disappearance. So let's say that this was the case and that a very old Elvis is living in anonymity, somewhere, but makes rare appearances at nondescript venues like gas station diners to relive the good, old days.

Elvis – The Real Story

                                                      By Eleanor Tylbor

 

 CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

TAMMY        40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN                40-something husband of Tammy
"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer

 

THE TIME
The present

 THE PLACE

Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER

 

Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play none-stop. There are a few tables with chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station products and displays of motor oil, etc.

 AT RISE:

 TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room

LEN

(Scrutinizing the surroundings)

Um…who recommended this place?

 

 TAMMY

(reading book)

The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a difference

 

LEN

Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day

 

TAMMY

Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere

 

LEN

You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!

 

TAMMY

You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!

 

LEN

More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?

 

TAMMY

That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful

 

LEN

Are you saying that this…this gas station and three table diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!

 

TAMMY

For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners

 

LEN

If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up

 

TAMMY

You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…

 

LEN

…obviously not long enough…

 

 

TAMMY

…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…

 

LEN

…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning

 

TAMMY

Get a grip! The waiter is coming so try to act normal, if that’s possible

               the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a

              typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands,

             frequently

 

WAITER

(swinging his hips between every word)

Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…

 

LEN

No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!

 

TAMMY

Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll choose

 

LEN

So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' t-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likely

 

TAMMY

Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…

 

               the waiter comes over to take the order

 

LEN

Are all those dishes served a la carte?

 

WAITER

(swinging hips)

No – on a plate. Uh-huh…

 

TAMMY

Just choose something already

 

WAITER

Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…

 

                                                                                                            LIGHTS DIM

 

TAMMY

Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin

 

                                                                                            SOUND: GUITAR TWANG

 

LEN

I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas

 

              (The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed

              in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the

             counter holding a hand mic.)

 

VOICE OVER

“For your entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”

 A very over-weight man dressed in a white jump suit enters, stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black aviator glasses cover his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head

(VOICE-OVER)

“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”

 

A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops  over to kiss Len, who pushes him way

 

ELVIS

“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked

 

he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket

 

ELVIS

(in weak squeaky voice)

Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King

              whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose

 

ELVIS

Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?

 

              starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on

             the back

 

ELVIS

See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.

 

              starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting

             clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck

 

DOCTOR

Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know y'all gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be

 

 

ELVIS

(laughing and staring at her breasts)

Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…at least I think it's a favorite...what's the name of the song now...nobody help me - it'll come back ...

 

              Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key

 

LEN

(starting to get up)

Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this…

 

              Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors

 

ELVIS

Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!

 

              Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take

              his arms

 

                                                                                                

MALE 1

C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing Home

 

ELVIS

But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!

 

MALE 1

(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)

You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.

 

ELVIS

Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!

 

MALE 1

Here you are…

 

               the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the

              couple

ELVIS

Thank you all very much!

 

Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men

 

LEN

(addressing waiter)

That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!

 

WAITER

The guy is over 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor guy. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?

 

LEN

I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis

               LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces

 

WAITER

You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…

 

LEN

Elvis my a-s-s!

 

WAITER

That piece of paper would’a given you a free tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…

 

Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together

 

LEN

A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…

 

VOICE OVER

“The King has left the building”

 

LEN

(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)

Hang on a minute. I can stick these pieces together… Help me Tammy – at the price of gas these days…

 

 ©Eleanor Tylbor, 2009

THE TEA BAG: A SHORT PLAY
By Eleanor Tylbor

Characters:

Fast food server: Punk-look i.e. multi-colored hair,
Long dangly earrings

Customer

Manager (male)

Scene:

Fast food restaurant. Customer is standing at counter with styrofoam cup in hand


SERVER
Uh-huh?

HAPPY CUSTOMER
Free tea refill, please, herbal if you have it

SERVER

(chewing gum/blows bubbles)
No free refills on tea

NOT-SO-HAPPY-CUSTOMER
You… don't… give refills on tea?

SERVER
Uh-uh. Could you move along?

CUSTOMER
‘Scuse me but you now have an unhappy customer. You do realize that, don’t you?

SERVER
Uh-huh. Next…

CUSTOMER

(Looking around for signs on wall)

Where does it say they’re no tea refills? I don’t see signs posted anywhere

SERVER
Holding up sign that reads: 'FREE COFFEE REFILLS'

Right…here

Server extends finger and points to sign.
Sticks finger inside her mouth and removes
gum pulling it until it is a long string.
Replaces it back in her mouth. Wipes fingers
on clothes

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head in horror)
Your nails are long, aren’t they? But this says free coffee refills. I want tea

SERVER
They’re not real, the nails I mean. Lost a couple last week and I still haven’t found them. Guess they’ll show up…somewhere

CUSTOMER
(hesitatingly)
My tea? Remember?

SERVER
Like I told you, free coffee refills. Them’s the rules

CUSTOMER
You mean, those are the rules. It’s plural… more than one…

SERVER
Now you want more than one refill? No way, José! Never!

CUSTOMER
I meant…I was just trying to say… Now focus. There’s no logic to your rule. We’re only talking here about one lousy teabag for heaven’s sake. Let’s say…I brought one in here from home?

SERVER
(Silence while she thinks. Pulls gum out of
her mouth in a long strip and replaces it
back into her mouth, wiping hands on blouse)

I gotta ask the manager 'bout that.

(An unshaven, heavy-set male with long greasy hair, wearing a tied scarf on his head approaches - grabs the SERVER and kisses her open-mouthed on the lips. They lock lips for 30 seconds)

MANAGER
Later babe

SERVER
Oh Howie – you’re so ro-man-tic!

MANAGER hits server on bum as she EXITS

CUSTOMER
Your…friend there is telling me that refills are good for coffee only . Unfortunately, I’m a tea drinker

MANAGER
That’s your problem – not ours

CUSTOMER
All I need is one lousy cup filled with hot water AND a teabag. I'm not even fussy about the brand at this point, and your water doesn't even have to be boiled properly!

MANAGER
Gonna hav’ta charge you

CUSTOMER
You have to or you want to? This is…tea prejudice!

MANAGER
Whatever that means

CUSTOMER
I shall alert the tea growers of the world regarding your policy and discriminatory attitude towards tea drinkers

MANAGER
Lemme put it this way - I won't stay up nights worrying

CUSTOMER
How many clients have been turned away as a result of this injustice, huh? Thousands – nay – maybe millions even!

MANAGER
Look pal, there's a long line of people behind you so decide, but there ain’t nothing I can do ‘bout it

CUSTOMER
Let's make this simple…

MANAGER
…and fast? I got a line of people who wanna be served

CUSTOMER
One cup of boiled water

MANAGER
(writing on pad)
That it?

CUSTOMER
Now put it in a styrofoam cup…you don’t charge for
styrofoam cups, do you? I mean, you have to pour the hot water into something

MANAGER
I better check corporate headquarters t’find out

CUSTOMER
No need. Consider lending me a teabag. Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! You can have it back once I've finished and then pass it on to the next customer. That way we both win

MANAGER
Borrow a tea bag…I dunno 'bout that

CUSTOMER
Be a fast food pioneer and tell the world, 'I’m-going-to-start-giving-free-tea-refills!' Hey! Maybe they’ll write you up in National Geographic! Or National Enquirer - or both! They could even add your photo, too! What’s your name, anyway?

MANAGER
Howard

CUSTOMER
What a normal name for a… I can see the headline now: 'Howard…somebody, manager of the Eat’n’Run, through his pioneering spirit, set the standard for the introduction of free tea refills in his restaurant.' Tea companies could thank you by - um - naming a tea after you! The - um - 'Howard tea bag' – the original pioneering - um - eight cup tea bag

MANAGER
Really? Name a tea bag after me?

CUSTOMER
Think of it as doing your part to help save the planet. Trust me that your average tea drinker won’t mind sharing a used tea bag. You don’t even hav’ta tell head office about your sacrifice! It’ll be our secret…save the earth and all that

Customer is handed teabag and cup. He dunks tea bag in, and then dumps bag
in manager’s hand. Takes sip from cup

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head)
Some people make their lives so complicated

Customer exits

/

THE TRANSFAT DILEMMA: a commentary and comedy focusing on the evils of transfats

By Eleanor Tylbor

News item: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation yesterday banning the artery-clogging substance in the state's restaurants starting in 2010 and from all baked goods by 2011. Though some cities, such as New York, Philadelphia and Seattle, have enacted bans on trans fats, California becomes the first state with such a law."

SCENE: A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. YOUNG MAN/WOMAN IS AT COUNTER AND WAITING TO BE SERVED. SHE/HE IS APPROACHED BY FAST-FOOD SERVER.



SERVER
Hi there! How can we help you?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. How's your menu?



SERVER
(taken aback)
Well...We have a great choice of burgers and fries and...



CUSTOMER1...
that's it.



SERVER
You want a burger and fries?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. Now how are your trans fats?



SERVER
Pardon?


CUSTOMER1
You know...trans fats? The bad stuff that causes clogged arteries?


SERVER
Huh?


CUSTOMER1
Your heart? The thing that beats in your chest? Clogged and then a massive heart attack? Death sometimes?


SERVER
(backing away)
Uh-huh...


CUSTOMER1
Didn't you get the message that Gov. Schwarzennegger has banned transfats in restaurants? Do you have any?


SERVER
I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about


CUSTOMER1
See - that's the problem. Most people don't and especially the fast food places but it's there alright! So do you?


SERVER
(moving away from counter)
You're beginning to scare me, sir/lady! I don't know! Really!


CUSTOMER1
There's the rub. Very few people know about transfats in fries, burgers, chocolate bars and all that junk food but it's there


SERVER
Maybe I should call my manager...


CUSTOMER1
It's really an easy question. Do you or don't you have trans fats?


SERVER
(starting to cry)
I-I don't know...


(Other customers start to gather around)


CUSTOMER2
Hey! What are you saying? Are you threatening this girl?


CUSTOMER 1
I was merely asking her if the food served here contains trans fats. I didn't realize it would be construed as threatening.


CUSTOMER 2
Yeah... I heard about that. Good move by Arnie and it's about time! (turning to the server) Does it have any?


SERVER
I dunno! I dunno! I only work here!


CUSTOMER 3
'She only works here!' Isn't that what they all say? Nobody takes responsibility for anything these days


CUSTOMER 2
Ain't that the truth!


CUSTOMER 4
Yeah! We get the heart attacks and they tell us they don't know!

(All the customers get involved in a shouting match, complainting about trans fats)


CUSTOMER1
(to server who is being consoled by another server)
Know what? I'm not in the mood for a burger and fries. I'm more in a..."salad-ish" mood!


CUSTOMER 1
(leaves the store with customers and servers yelling at each other)
Wonder how much transfat is in salad dressing...

In God We Trust. How do you spell that?
by Eleanor Tylbor

Perhaps he means well but somehow changing one's name to "In God We Trust" is bound to have interesting or at least humorous results. If the court allows him to do this.

Steve Kreuscher wants a judge to allow him to legally change his name. He wants to be known as "In God We Trust."

Kreuscher says the new name would symbolize the help God gave him through tough times. The 57-year-old man also says he's worried that atheists may succeed in removing the phrase "In God We Trust" from U.S. currency. He recalls that the phrase "God Reigns" was removed from the Zion city seal in 1992 after Illinois courts deemed it unconstitutional. Zion was founded as a theocracy - by a sect that believed the Earth was flat. The school bus driver and amateur artist in the northern Chicago suburb says he has filed a petition to change his name in Lake County Circuit Court.

************************************************************************************

So let's say he is allowed to change his name to In God We Trust.

Let's say it's time for him to sign his signature.

IN GOD WE TRUST
(paying for food at restaurant)
Do you take major credit cards?

WAITER
Of course, sir

IGWT
Okay...here. Take this one

(waiter walks away examining credit card. Returns a few minutes later)

WAITER
Um... Sir... We seem to have a problem here

IGWT
Oh? Did I put the wrong amount or something?

WAITER
That's fine. Um... It's about your signature?

IGWT
What about it?

WAITER
Um... You signed the motto written on a coin. I'm sure it was a mistake

IGWT
Not!

WAITER
We require a name, sir.

IGWT
In God We Trust!

WAITER
I'm sure you do - we all do, sir. However, we need a real name

IGWT
That is my real name

(Manager joins him)

MANAGER
Is there a problem here?

IGWT
Your waiter won't accept my credit card!

MANAGER
That's right. I told him not to! Sir - we need a name. A real name! Not a political statement or something... In God We Trust cannot in any way be considered a name. So if you'll just show us some other piece of identification...

IGWT
All my identification has In God We Trust. Do you believe in God?

MANAGER
What's that have to do with anything?

IGWT
Well - do you?

MANAGER
My personal beliefs have nothing to do with the present situation at hand. How about paying with some cold cash, instead?

IGWT
See? It's your "who cares" attitude that could cause "In God We Trust" to be removed from our coins!

MANAGER
So you admit that's not your real name! I knew it!

IGWT
I beg your pardon! FYI - that IS my legal name! Here... I'll show you my driver's license...and my vehicle registration...

MANAGER
(reading pieces of identification)
Well, I thought I've seen it all! Forgive me sir. I was wrong and you're right! However, you must admit that this is a bit unusual

IGWT
Let's just say it's my own personal political statement

MANAGER
Fine with me. Now if you'll just sign the bill here... I can't seem to read your second name.

IGWT
E Pluribus Unum. Is there a problem?