THREE DREADED R'S: REVISION, RE-THINKING, RE-WRITING OF "NEIGHBORS"

*UPDATE NUMBER 3

Do I sound frustrated? Trying not to be but am reaching that point (insert lots of sighs here).

Last night and this morning, did some more editing on "Neighbors." Can't call it a play - yet - since it's still in the revision stage. That in itself is a problem but there's also this on-going annoyance that gnaws at me like a dog with a bone.

Having reached and read and did some revisions until sixty pages, there is still no resolution. This makes me think as to whether there is a problem that can be resolved or whether there is a problem, period. It's obvious at this point that I'm going to have to do some major editing and change of direction. One of the characters may have to be eliminated since his contribution to the story line really isn't necessary. In other words - the story could survive without the character.

I've got a dramatic ending in mind but this can't be accomplished unless the story is shortened, somewhat, so it can play out naturally. The female character would play a major role along with one of the lead characters.

I'm also toying with the idea - strictly at the idea stage - of having something dramatic occur in the bar i.e. a hold-up...something. That means there are two possible endings. Perhaps one of the characters would save the life of the other, something totally out of character... Really - I don't know at this point.

Lots of choices and directions to go and time is marching on. But am I?

My old soldiers are waiting for direction. I know where they're coming from!

The end of the year is almost here and that means a mere four months to work on re-working my short story, "Old Soldiers" in the hope of converting it into a radio play to enter in the British Council International Radio Playwriting Competition . The characters need flushing out and some type of direction as to their purpose.

"That's all, Eleanor? Piece of cake!"

On were it that easy.

Having never attempted writing a radio play, I'm somewhat intimidated. I mean, to what degree will the correct writing form for radio count?

"Oh look. The sound effects are on the wrong side of the page," a BBC reader might comment to another reader, after which it might be tossed on the slush pile.

To my credit (pat-pat on the back) I've made some progress and added dialogue but the challenge is the necessity of providing those tricky sound effects. This means that there has to be action, which can be heard and that will propel the story along. You just can't have the characters hang around say...a pub and talk. They have to do something to catch the listeners ear.

A purpose and reason for being there is required. Therein lies (or lay...whatever) the challenge.

A character chart would help me define the varous characteristics of the personalities, but I've never used one in the past. Then again, I've never tried writing a radio play. The ending seems logical but the trip to get there has to be refined.

Joe McKenna would understand.

Here's a small snippet of dialogue taken from the re-write as the "old soldiers" prepare to leave for a fellow soldier's funeral


AL

So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?

JOE
I am…and so is Mac

MIKE
Me too

AL
I’d like to go. There are so few of us left. Look at me with a walker. We were his friends for umpteen years and I mean, the man deserves some type of recognition. It's the least we can do. Can anyone give me a lift? So damn hard to climb up the bus steps and the bus drivers get so impatient...

MIKE
I'll bring along our flag. It's getting so thin I can see through it

JOE
Just like us. Old and worn out

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor

BARBIE
Stop, GI Joe! Don’t pull that whatever you do! You’ll blow us all to bits! Oh gawd! Look at these clothes! Like...I can't be photographed looking like this

G.I. JOE
They’ll know we’re here, alright! Anyway, you look pretty good to me. A little dusty but then aren't we all?

BARBIE

But...someone like you doesn't understand that I, Barbie, fashionista, can't be seen as dusty. I have a reputation!

G.I. JOE

Don't worry, babe. Nobody believes all that gossip crap they write about you in the tabloids. Almost...got...it...

BARBIE
Stop! Like…isn’t it bad enough that you already blew your foot off trying to be helpful? You don't get it – there will be pieces of us...like everywhere!

G.I. JOE
Yeah but we'll be out'ta here! Lissen – as long as I still got one good foot and two arms… Mmmm...look what I have here. A good, old cigar…

(suddenly there is a loud boom accompanied by smoke)

G.I. JOE
…make that one foot, two arms and one hand

KEN
He’s nutso! Your boyfriend is certifiable!

G.I. JOE
Thank you, sissy-boy! Nice of you to say. Uh-oh…my bullets have melted

BARBIE
He is NOT my boyfriend and those bullets aren't real, Joe! They're plastic - just like us!

KEN
Does that mean…I’m still your number one surfer dude? Do you like me more than you like that Ass-tralian surfer-boy?

G.I. JOE
...I gotta find me some new a-mu-ni-tion! Hey surfer sissy-boy! Got any spare bullets on you?

KEN
You-you’ve seen the light, right Barbie-kins, and want me back! Right?

BARBIE
How many times have I told you not to call me Barbie-kins? My name is Barbie! B-E-R-B... B-A-R-B-I-E. Sometimes, Ken, you’re so…

BLAIN
…dense? Stupid? Empty-headed?

G.I. JOE
Think I got me some spares around somewhere here…somewhere… If only I could…check my pockets… Hey Aussie dude from Astro-Austreee-Australia – you got any extra grenades around?

BLAIN
Oh yeah. I always carry around spare grenade on my body. Cheez you are such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
Thanks! I got it all up here (points to his head with his foot). Lissen…lend me a few and I’ll pay you back

KEN
Ssssssh! Is that the sound of waves? Surf’s up! And me without my surf board

BARBIE
They’re coming to save us. I just know it! ‘Hello out there! It’s us, the Barbies and Kens and Blaines and GI Joes… Help!’

VOICE
Okay… Move in the equipment… Yeah…we got orders to empty this here warehouse…

BARBIE
Ohmygawd! Like…they’re gonna clear us out!

KEN
Don’t we want that?

BARBIE
They don’t know we’re in here! We’ve got to find a way to let them know! There has to be a way

G.I. JOE
Leave it in my hands, babe… I mean, in my hand. By the time that I’ve finished, they’ll know alright! Your G.I. is the main man! I helped Rambo get the bad guys and…

BARBIE
Oh fer… Rambo is pretend, G.I.! He’s pretend!

BLAINE
Oh? And what are we?

BARBIE
The sound…it’s getting nearer! We’ve got to do something…fast!

(QUESTIONS DU JOUR: WILL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING TO HALT THEIR IMMINENT DESTRUCTION? WILL G.I. JOE TAKE CHARGE AND BLOW THEM ALL TO BITS? TO BE CONTINUED…)

BARBIE
We're saved! But like…how can we attract their attention?

G.I. JOE
(attempting to reach the string to a hand grenade)
…just another inch…and…we’ll…be out’ta here… This should do...the trick...babe
When we last joined Barbie, Ken, GI Joe and their vinyl/plastic “sisters and brothers” they were spending Christmas stored away in cardboard boxes located somewhere on planet Earth. At the point they thought and maybe even hopefully assumed they were being rescued, the sound of heavy equipment indicated something to the contrary was about to occur. We join them now as panic begins to set in.

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Having revived BLAIN, the Australian surfer dude and love of BARBIE’s life, G.I. JOE has asked BARBIE about the geographical location of Australia

BARBIE
What are you trying to tell me, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Hey! Is that the place where them there giant jumping mice live? ‘Cause if it is – I can get some of my men together and we can go hunt them down and…

BARBIE
Like…pleeze, G.I.! Is that all you care about? Killing and maiming? You are so violent!

G.I. JOE
Thank you. I know. Gawd I love it when you use those big words. You’re so smart, babe!

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s plastic head but it continually slips out of her inflexible hands and she ends up dropping his head on the ground)

BARBIE
Like…I’m soooo sorry. Blain? Are you okay, baby?

BLAIN
(mumbling)
Wha’? Hear? Surf’s up! Where’s my board…get my board please, mummy

BARBIE
Oh Blain…honey! It’s me, your Barbie doll!

BLAIN
Mummy? I have a boo-boo on my head. It hurts baaaaad

G.I. JOE
I dunno, babe! Sounds suspish..sustik… Could be an enemy. Better frisk him…

BLAIN
(dazed)
Daddy? Is that you?

G.I. JOE
Hey! I ain’t your dad! I’m a soldier and don’t you forget it. Ten-shun!

BLAIN
I see pretty stars floating in front of my eyes. Do you see them too? Let’s catch one

G.I. JOE
Stars? Oh…you mean the stars on this here u-ni-form I’m wearing! Wanna know what they’re for? See…this here one…

BLAIN
Twinkle, twinkle little staaaarrrr…how I wonder where you arrrrre…

G.I. JOE
…is for foldin’ my clothes nicely and this here one is…

BLAIN
…high above the earth so high…

G.I. JOE
…I got for brushin’ my teeth three times a day…

BARBIE
We have to get Blain to a hospital!

G.I. JOE
Hospital? We don’t need no hospital. See this here badge? I got that for First Aid. Your G.I. Joe can fix his boo-boo, lickety-split. Even faster than that

BARBIE
Like…don’t think I don’t appreciate the offer but I think my sweetie here…I mean to say, Blain here, needs a real hospital where real doctors…

G.I. JOE
Hey! Whad’ya mean, ‘real doctors’? They don’t give these here badgers…

BARBIE
…badges…

G.I. JOE
Huh? That’s what I said

BARBIE
Like…you said, BADGERS

G.I. JOE
Yeah. Badgers.

BARBIE
They’re B-A-D-G-E-S

G.I. JOE
Badgers…badges. What’s the difference?

BARBIE
A lot. One is an animal and the other is a… Why am I bothering to explain?

(G.I. JOE checks in a pocket and produces a band aid)

G.I. JOE
(Cont’d.) Here it is! I knew I had one on me…it’s a little old but it’s still good. So where’s the cut?

BARBIE
Um… Why don’t you talk with the doctors…just to make sure of course that they know what they’re doing? Here – let’s use my cell phone to call

(KEN suddenly walks out of the woods, running towards BARBIE and G.I. JOE, holding a surf board)

KEN
Hey Barbie! Surf’s up! Grab your…

BLAIN
(groggy)
Surf…gotta surf…

G.I. JOE
At ease, soldier! You’re in no state to surf. Here – lemme put this here band aid on your boo-boo…

KEN
Oh? Who do we have here? Blain? You whale scum! Shark doo-doo…

BARBIE
Um…Ken. Can you keep that for after? G.I. Joe here, like…got a little excited and like…hit him on the head with plastic bullets

KEN
You mean…Blain here is hurt? Oh my poor ba-by boy!. I mean, the idiot. He should be in a hospital getting proper care

G.I. JOE
Hey! He is getting cared for by me! I know all about fixin’ boo-boos!

KEN
(staring at him for ten seconds)
We can transport him to a hospital on my surf board. Now you take his arms Barbie, and I’ll take his legs…

(BARBIE and KEN attempt to bend over and grasp BLAIN’s legs and arms without success. As BARBIE picks up his arms, KEN drops his legs and vice-versa)

G.I. JOE
Here – let a soldier show you how it’s done

(G.I. JOE grabs BLAIN’s arms and attempts to throw him over his soldier but misses. BLAIN is propelled over G.I. JOE’s soldier, screaming all the while)

G.I. JOE
Whooops…

(to be continued)

Question du jour: will BLAIN receive the necessary medical help he requires?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

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BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
The continuing story
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE HAS RUSHED BACK TO HER BEACH HOUSE UPON HEARING A SOUND RESEMBLING A GUN SHOT. SHE SEES BLAIN, HER USED-TO-BE-BOYFRIEND SPRAWLED ON THE GROUND, WITH G.I. JOE CROUCHED NEARBY. AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL TRIES TO CROUCH DOWN NEXT TO HIM DUE TO HER UNYIELDING STIFF PLASTIC BODY, BARBIE DROPS ON TO THE GROUND, FACE-FIRST, HANDS IN THE AIR

BARBIE
Like…ohmygawd! Blain – honey! Wake up. Your Barbie is here!

G.I. JOE
(walking over to her, gun aimed at BLAIN)
Don’t worry, babe. The intruder has been neutralized. Wait just a G.I. moment here! ‘Blain - honey?’ Whad’ya mean by that?

BARBIE
(flipping on to her back)
Well… I mean…like… Blain is from Australia and…like…his family owns a honey farm. Yeah – that’s it. A honey farm. Um…G.I. – would you bend me into a sitting position?

G.I. JOE
Sure. I can do that with these muscular arms. Oh so then….and I thought you were…well…y’know…talkin’ to him like he was your boyfriend or something

BARBIE
Him? My boyfriend? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Don’t be a silly soldier, G.I. Joe! Friends – we’re just friends!

G.I. JOE
Good ‘cause… you know I’m the only real man in your life, babe.

BARBIE
Do I have a choice?

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s head in her plastic hands but his head keeps slipping down. Finally, she drops his head on the ground)

(cont’d.) Oh the angst of being a fashionista cursed with hands that won’t bend! What did you do to him, G.I. Joe?

G.I. JOE
Like I told you – I neutralized him. Yup…he won’t be botherin’ you no more

BARBIE
Any more

G.I. JOE
Huh? What?

BARBIE
ANY more

G.I. JOE
Any more of what?

BARBIE
Sometimes G.I. Joe, you’re such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
I know and that’s why you love me, babe! Gawd I love it when you talk like that!

BARBIE
So tell me what happened to Blain

G.I. JOE
Happened? Blain?

BARBIE
Blain? The guy who is laying here? Did you…shoot him? Tell me you didn’t shoot him! Hold on – like… you use only plastic bullets, thank goodness

G.I. JOE
Plastic bullets can make a big boo-boo, too, y’know!

BARBIE
Oh you got one big boo-boo and its sitting right on top of your neck

(G.I. JOE opens up jacket and displays two hand grenades hanging on string from around his neck)

G.I. JOE

How’d you like these babies? Ken gave them to me after you two had your talk. ‘One for you and one for Barbie’, he told me. That Ken – such a good guy t’gimme hand grenades!

BARBIE
Ken’s…all heart, alright.

(BLAIN starts to stir)

(cont’d) Blain! Oh Blain! You’re okay!

G.I. JOE
Move aside, babe. I’ll finish him off for good this time

(BARBIE rolls around and manages to throw herself on top of BLAIN)

(cont’d) Stop! He’s not the enemy, G.I. Joe!

G.I. JOE
The enemy is everywhere and wears different disguises! He may look like a surfer to you, but I know different. Oh yeah I know alright! I can smell the enemy

BARBIE
That’s …like…your new Macho Man deodorant! He’s a surfer dude! That’s all!

G.I. JOE
Bwahahahahahahaha! Silly Barbie! I found him noseying around your beach house. If he was like you say he was… What did you say he was again?

BARBIE
Blain? The Australian surfer?

G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. Right. Blain... Well he had it coming!

BARBIE
What did he ever do to you?

G.I. JOE
Well…um… He was sniffin’ around my girlfriend’s house and that’s enough for me! Sniffing around is as good as guilty

BARBIE
We really have to talk about our relationship, after.

G.I. JOE
G.I. Joe don’t talk, babe! I’m a man of action! Move away from…whoever

(BLAIN stirs)

BLAIN
I can’t breathe!

(BARBIE attempts to get into a standing position but experiencing problems with her body not bending)

BARBIE
Um…G.I. Joe – could you help me stand up?

G.I. JOE
Sure babe.

(G.I. JOE extends both his muscular arms and helps BARBIE up on her feet)

(Cont’d. G.I. JOE) Feel my arms? Full of muscle

BARBIE
Oh you’re full of more than muscle

G.I. JOE
I know. I workout every two hours. Your Austrian friend Blain there…

BARBIE
…Australian friend Blain…

G.I. JOE
Whatever…Austria…Australia… It’s almost spelled the same… A couple more or less letters… Wait a minute here. Did you say AUSTRALIA???

BARBIE
What are you telling me, G.I.?

TO BE CONTINUED…
What will G.I. Joe tell BARBIE about “the accident?”
©2007, Eleanor Tylbor

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