SCENES FROM LIFE

THE LINE UP II - a short playette for a short encounter

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Supermarket. 8-items-or-less line, where three people are waiting to check out items. A female with a shopping cart attempts to go through

FEMALE
Um - excuse me?

Male in front appears not to hear her so she speaks a little louder

FEMALE
Excuse me! I'd like to pass?

Male glances at her, then quickly away

FEMALE attempts to go by but is unable, due to the man blocking her

FEMALE
The aisle is wide and I'm thin, but not enough to squeeze by. If you don't mind - could you move to the side?

the other two customers gladly move against the counter to allow the shopping cart & female to pass. Male mumbles something unintelliglble, pointing to the door

FEMALE
Look - I had to pee. Okay? I parked my shopping cart outside the door and now I have to get through here to shop. So if you'll step aside...

MALE
Go out and around!

FEMALE
Pardon? You expect me to take my cart, go outside and re-enter when all you have to do is move towards the side, which will take a mere 10 seconds? Not!

the two shoppers move against the counter, again to allow the cart to pass

FEMALE
I don't believe this!

MAN STANDING AT COUNTER NEARBY
Me neither! I've been watching the guy. Misery!

FEMALE
Are you going to let me by or not?

MAN stands defiantly in middle of checkout aisle

FEMALE stands leaning on shopping cart, glaring at man who up until this point has been taking his time packing his things in bags.

FEMALE
(as MAN moves by her)
You are just too kind and what a gentleman! I'll make sure to remember your face in case you want the same courtesy.

MAN STANDING NEARBY AT COUNTER
Oh he's a real nice guy, alright!

As MALE passes, FEMALE shopper moves her shopping cart forward and somehow rolls a wheel over his foot

FEMALE
Oh no! How clumsy of me! Just one foot, though. You still have another! And now to go shop for food...

PHONE TALK
SHORT PLAY/COMEDY SKETCH

by Eleanor Tylbor



SCENE: Cell phones ring. SELMA and ELAINE, two seniors, conduct their daily conversation with each other to discuss…life.

ELAINE
Hello? Selma?

SELMA
Who are you and how d’ya know my name?

ELAINE
Gee – just lucky I guess! Get real, woman! It’s me!

SELMA
You…who? I don’t speak to people with no name. Goodbye!

(SELMA hangs up. Phone rings again)

ELAINE
Why’d you hang up on me?

SELMA
You called? When did you call?

ELAINE
Just now. Selma – it was me who called!

SELMA
I thought the voice sounded familiar

ELAINE
Oh fer… You don’t recognize the voice of your sister after all these years? I mean, really

SELMA
You sounded different

ELAINE
(sniffing a few times)
That’s ‘cause I got a cold

SELMA
It is you, Elaine! Why didn’t you just say so?

ELAINE
I tried – God knows I tried! Moving right along…

SELMA

You're moving? You never told me!

ELAINE

(coughs)

I'm not moving. I meant...anyway

SELMA
You’re sick? Stay away from me!

ELAINE
I can always count on you to have a sympathetic ear. Listen – I gotta go put drops in my nose so I’ll call you back

SELMA
Are you sure you should be talking to me? I mean – you could spread germs through the phone. These days you never know. Don't take too long 'cause I'm going out

(Both hang up. Phones ring again)

SELMA
Hello?

ELAINE
It’s me again. Sorry – hadda take some new pills

SELMA
Oh? What kind?

SELMA
Go know! I take so many these days. Some for my sinus (she sniffs)…some for my throat (she coughs)… Yeah – lots of pills…

ELAINE
So what’s new?

SELMA
What could be new?

ELAINE
I dunno. That’s why I’m asking

(pause for 2 seconds)

SELMA
I lead a very boring life and most of it is spent in doctor’s waiting rooms

ELAINE
You? I have five appointments this week with five different doctors! Even they can’t find out what’s the matter with me

SELMA
Doctor Michaels sent me for tests, today

ELAINE
Your back?

SELMA
I never went away. Oh…you mean the problem with my crooked spine that pains me so badly? The pain, Elaine - the pain! What should I expect having Dr. Sadist treating me…that quack!

ELAINE
That’s a new doctor?

SELMA
That’s not his real name. I just call him that. He keeps prescribing me pills that don’t work. I tell him, ‘doctor – gimme something that works!’ but does he listen? You should never know such pain. I suffer Elaine – I suffer plennnnnty!

ELAINE
You think that I don’t know pain? My neck is so sore, I can’t turn my head anymore

SELMA
So? Look straight ahead. Nothing much happens on the sides anyway

ELAINE
I’m serious! The back doctor gave me some free pill samples to try but they don’t work

SELMA
What kind of pills?

ELAINE
Lemme think a minute…they’re yellow…phila…feeda…fadda…something like that. Anyway, what do you care? You don’t have back problems

SELMA
So what? Maybe they’d be good for my shoulder. (moaning) Ohhhhhhhh….such pain…

ELAINE
This is new. You never mentioned shoulder pain before. Maybe try acupuncture. Freda Smith tells me that she goes to that Swedish guy, Hans Offer and it worked miracles for her

SELMA
(laughing)
I’ve seen Offer and believe me – needles aren’t the only things he gives her if you know what I mean. Look at the time

ELAINE
You’ve got an appointment?

SELMA
That’s later. I’m off to the shopping mall. Big sale today

ELAINE
What about you shoulder…and your neck pain…

SELMA
What’s a little ache between the bargains. You know what they say – when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping. So you’ll be ready in 10 minutes?

ELAINE
Make it fifteen. And Selma – bring along some of those new yellow pills

Whereas artist, Dutch artist Johan van der Dong set up a local telephone number so that people can communicate with God.

THE GOD CALL
By Eleanor Tylbor

CHARACTERS:
PHIL
G-D

SCENE:

An office or den. A student is sitting at a desk covered with books. A cell phone rings and the student glances at it to see whose calling.

PHIL
Oh G-d…I'm never gonna be ready for my exams.

(phone rings)

G-D
Hello is this Phil? This is G-d returning your phone call.

PHIL
(sarcastically)
Hi…um - God. Talk about an ego! Get a life, pal! Listen – some of us hav'ta study for exams

G-D

Don't hang up! Really. I'm Him. G-d? The Big Guy? The All Powerful and Mighty?

PHIL
Surrrrre. Uh-huh. Brian – you're so lame!

G-D

Truly – I'm not – what's his name? Brian?. My persona has always been a source of speculation and strife - the two big "S's" - among religions. I heard you call my name not five minutes ago.

PHIL
I know it's you, Brian, you jerk! You by yourself at Marios? Manager leave early?

G-D

Listen - I have a lot of return phone calls to make. Gazillions, even...all over the planet, earth. Then I have to look in on the wars and the dying people...

PHIL

You're such a jerk! Okay. If you insist. I'll take one all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. This time make sure it's hot or no tip for you!

G-D

Seriously, I'm not Brian. I'm really - G-d!

PHIL
You always did have a big ego, Brian! Now you're calling yourself G-d? Oh you're gonna get smited!

G-D

Have it your way. One all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. Why do I bother?"

PHIL

Don't you want my new address? I moved last week!

G-D

Trust me - I know. Now if there's nothing else, I have a lot of phone calls to make.

PHIL

Actually, there is one more very important thing you can do for me.

G-D
Is it a confession you want to make my son? I'm here for you. There's nothing so bad that can't be forgiven.

PHIL
Yeah – sure. Can you send along an order of onion rings?