SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE. AT THE COFFEE SHOP

SMALL TALK

 

SCENE:  SMALL COFFEE SHOP

AT RISE: A FEMALE (FEMALE 1) BRINGS A TRAY TO A TABLE, PULLS OUT A CHAIR,  SITS DOWN, STARTS TO UNWRAP A SANDWICH AND DRINK HER COFFEE

AN ELDERLY FEMALE (FEMALE 2) AT THE NEXT TABLE EATING A SANDWICH, TURNS AND STUDIES HER.

 

FEMALE 2

Your hair

 

FEMALE 1

Sorry?

 

FEMALE 2

Your hair is nice

FEMALE 1

(touching hair)

Thank you.

 

FEMALE 2

I mean, your hair is really nice. Who does it?

FEMALE 1

A local hair stylist where I live. I have it cut once a month and do it myself the rest of the time. Thanks again.

 

(Turns her attention to a cell phone)

 

FEMALE 2

My children and my grandchildren have those electronic gadgets

FEMALE 1

My cell?

FEMALE 2

Is that what it’s called?

FEMALE 1

Very handy. Pick up my mail…see what’s happening in the world…keeps me connected

 

FEMALE 2

Hmmm… I still like a good, old fashioned phone that stays in one place

 

FEMALE 1

Hardly use mine anymore

FEMALE 2

Mine is a black push-button phone but that’s okay. The way I see it, I don’t want the world to hear my conversations. Not that I have anything to hide.  Know what I mean?

FEMALE 1

Got’cha

 

(cell rings as FEMALE 2 watches FEMALE 1 speaking on the cell)

FEMALE 2

See? I heard everything you were saying. Not that I was trying to be nosy or anything. Point I’m making is there’s no privacy these days.

 

FEMALE 1

(staring down at her cell and involved in texting, somewhat ignoring FEMALE 2)

…uh-huh…

 

FEMALE 2

Know what? Before when I was in the bathroom, I heard a woman talking on those things while she was…well you know…peeing. That is like – so disgusting, don’t you think? I mean, couldn’t she live without that thing for the few minutes it would take to use the toilet? And she didn’t even flush! Probably didn’t even wash her hands, either, after!

FEMALE 1

…appointment tomorrow at 10 a.m. with John…

 

FEMALE 2

I’m sorry. You’re busy.

 

 (silence between them for 10 seconds)

 

(cont’d. FEMALE 2) You’re a coffee drinker I would guess?

FEMALE 1

Yup…

FEMALE 2

Don’t you find that coffee loses flavor in a paper cup?

FEMALE 1

...uh-huh...

 

FEMALE 2

People don’t have time to take care of the little things in life, anymore, like taking the time to really talk one-on-one. Human communication is a lost art

(FEMALE 1 loads her tray and starts to get up, preparing to leave, her focus on her cell)

FEMALE 1

Nice talking to you. Have a great day

 

FEMALE 2

Same here.  (calling as she walks away) ‘Love her your hair…’

 

(a female (FEMALE 3) sits down at the table next to FEMALE 2 , drinking coffee and reading a newspaper)

 

FEMALE 2

Always good to keep updated with the latest news. I would give up lots of things before giving up a newspaper that I actually touch and flip the pages. Mind you, I think our kind are dinosaurs

 

FEMALE 3
(inattentive)

Um – I guess…maybe…

 

(FEMALE 2 continues to talk waiting/hoping for a reaction from FEMALE 3)

 

FEMALE 2

Mind you, these days people get all their latest news and speak to each other on those cell phone gadgets but I don’t own one, though…  Don’t even have a computer…my kids wanted to get me one but then I’d have to learn to use it… By the way, your hair is really nice…who does it?

G.I. JOE , THE 'REAL' ONE DISCUSSES THE MOVIE WITH HIS NAME IN IT


After a stressful period of being relegated to a toy factory along with his love the fashionista of the vinyl set, BARBIE, along with her ex surfer-boyfriend KEN, the real G.I. JOE is quite upset that a movie has been made using his name as a draw. In a hastily called press conference, G.I. JOE with BARBIE by his side in his words, "wanted to clear the air."

"This is really didusting," G.I. Joe blustered, waving his trusty machine gun in the air to emphasize his emotional angst. "They've gone and used my name and they didn't even ask me if they could!"

"Didusting, G.I." the designer-dressed Barbie commented, smoothing her body-fitting dress and smiling for the photographers.

"Wha...?"

"You said, 'didusting'. There's no such word as that," Barbie emphasized, combing her blond, vinyl hair and cleaning her teeth with a bent vinyl finger. "It's disGUSTING."

"Yeah! It is! You're right on, babe! It is disbust...disrust...whatever the hell she said! This G.I. Joe movie thingie isn't even a real soldier, like me. It's a military unit! Nobody bothered to ask me, a gen-u-ine soldier if I wanted to be in it. Oh no. I would'a liked to, 'ya know!"

"Um...GI - remember you lost a foot when we busted out of the warehouse," Barbie interrupted the rant. "

"So? I could have sat at a table or something and held down the fort! Nobody would'a noticed." G.I. explained. "On top of it all, some dudes who call themselves Duke and Ripcord got jobs! But not me, G.I. Joe, the original soldier. It ain't fair!"

"I'll tell you what's not fair," Barbie intervened, "to have to walk on tippy-toes all your life, like me. Isn't that right, Ken?"

"Uh-oh! Listen! Surf's up! Gotta run!" Ken said, grabbing his surfboard and running out of the room.

'Don't let the surf board hit you on the way out, Ken...you sissy-boy!' Of course you're right like always, babe. Having to walk on tippy-toes is much worse than having your leg shot off. Hey - wanna go see the movie with my name in it? I got free tickets."

Placing a crutch under one arm and leaning on Barbie with the other, the pair left the room.

"Do you have to lean on me so much?" Barbie commented. "You're crushing my hair."

http://www.gijoemovie.com/

THE TRANSFAT DILEMMA: a commentary and comedy focusing on the evils of transfats

By Eleanor Tylbor

News item: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation yesterday banning the artery-clogging substance in the state's restaurants starting in 2010 and from all baked goods by 2011. Though some cities, such as New York, Philadelphia and Seattle, have enacted bans on trans fats, California becomes the first state with such a law."

SCENE: A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. YOUNG MAN/WOMAN IS AT COUNTER AND WAITING TO BE SERVED. SHE/HE IS APPROACHED BY FAST-FOOD SERVER.



SERVER
Hi there! How can we help you?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. How's your menu?



SERVER
(taken aback)
Well...We have a great choice of burgers and fries and...



CUSTOMER1...
that's it.



SERVER
You want a burger and fries?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. Now how are your trans fats?



SERVER
Pardon?


CUSTOMER1
You know...trans fats? The bad stuff that causes clogged arteries?


SERVER
Huh?


CUSTOMER1
Your heart? The thing that beats in your chest? Clogged and then a massive heart attack? Death sometimes?


SERVER
(backing away)
Uh-huh...


CUSTOMER1
Didn't you get the message that Gov. Schwarzennegger has banned transfats in restaurants? Do you have any?


SERVER
I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about


CUSTOMER1
See - that's the problem. Most people don't and especially the fast food places but it's there alright! So do you?


SERVER
(moving away from counter)
You're beginning to scare me, sir/lady! I don't know! Really!


CUSTOMER1
There's the rub. Very few people know about transfats in fries, burgers, chocolate bars and all that junk food but it's there


SERVER
Maybe I should call my manager...


CUSTOMER1
It's really an easy question. Do you or don't you have trans fats?


SERVER
(starting to cry)
I-I don't know...


(Other customers start to gather around)


CUSTOMER2
Hey! What are you saying? Are you threatening this girl?


CUSTOMER 1
I was merely asking her if the food served here contains trans fats. I didn't realize it would be construed as threatening.


CUSTOMER 2
Yeah... I heard about that. Good move by Arnie and it's about time! (turning to the server) Does it have any?


SERVER
I dunno! I dunno! I only work here!


CUSTOMER 3
'She only works here!' Isn't that what they all say? Nobody takes responsibility for anything these days


CUSTOMER 2
Ain't that the truth!


CUSTOMER 4
Yeah! We get the heart attacks and they tell us they don't know!

(All the customers get involved in a shouting match, complainting about trans fats)


CUSTOMER1
(to server who is being consoled by another server)
Know what? I'm not in the mood for a burger and fries. I'm more in a..."salad-ish" mood!


CUSTOMER 1
(leaves the store with customers and servers yelling at each other)
Wonder how much transfat is in salad dressing...

PLAYWRIGHTVILLE

(the imaginary level of consciousness where rejected playwrights address the characters in their play)

by Eleanor Tylbor

Ellie has to break the bad news - again.

FEMALE CHARACTER
Uh-oh... I sense bad news is on the way

MALE CHARACTER
How do you know?

FEMALE CHARACTER
How do I know? How-do-I-know? Do you hav'ta ask that? Can't you feel the bad vibes?

MALE CHARACTER
I thought it was just a bad case of indigestion from all the popcorn she ate last night. She always pigs out on popcorn when her plays are rejected

FEMALE CHARACTER
Yeah - don't we know it! At least it's the diet kind. Okay - steel yourself now! It's coming...

ELLIE
Um - people...characters from my play... No. Friends

FEMALE CHARACTER
Okay. We get the picture. Been there, heard that. Now just cut to the chase. So?

ELLIE
Well there's good news and bad news

MALE CHARACTER
Do we get a choice which one we wanna hear first?

FEMALE CHARACTER
Oh pleeze! Just let her divest herself of all her angst will you, so that we can get on with our so-called purpose in life?

ELLIE
Ahem... The good news is that I entered the BBC International Playwriting Competition

FEMALE CHARACTERThat's it? You entered a competition? That's all the good news you have to tell us? Oh gawd - here it comes...

ELLIE
Well...I didn't win

FEMALE CHARACTER
This dear playwright, is not news. You are aware that we have been in this state for years now waiting...waiting...waiting for the call that never comes. Y'know - it's not easy being characters from a play longing to share ourselves with theatre audiences. The stage! The lights! The applause! Never to hear applause...

ELLIE
What can I say? Maybe I should just do another re-write

MALE CHARACTER
A re-write? Is that...like really necessary? I mean...the play does make a strong statement

FEMALE CHARACTER
Wait a minute. You won't change our characters, will you? You do like us, right?

ELLIE
Of course. I just want to tighten up the dialogue, is all. You'll be happy to hear that I'm going to have a public reading

MALE CHARACTERFantastic! At last real people will get to know us and who knows where that could lead!

ELLIE
Now all I hav'ta do is find some people. It can't be just anybody off the street, y'know!

FEMALE CHARACTER
Why not? A body is a body is a body. At least they're real people

ELLIE
Yeah - I suppose. Now all I hav'ta do is spread the word and set it all up...

MALE CHARACTER
We'll be waiting. We're always waiting

FEMALE CHARACTER
Ain't that the truth!

June 18, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: After G.I. JOE's attempt to throw BLAIN, BARBIE's ex-but-hopefully-to-be-once-again-boyfriend, over his shoulder to transport him to the hospital, they have finally reached Mercyful Hospital with G.I. JOE riding shotgun on a tank.

BARBIEPlease - like...can somebody lend a hand here?

G.I. JOE
(jumping down off his tank)
Here - lemme show you how a soldier does it

BARBIENo! I mean - you've done enough to...I mean, for us already

G.I. JOEAnything for you, babe!

BARBIE

Hello? We need a doctor - like...now!

G.I. JOEHey! Did I ever tell you that I got my first-aid badge. We don't need no doctors...

BARBIENo...thank you, G.I. Why don't we get another opinion from a real doctor?

G.I. JOEOkay but I saved my pooch, Bullet, when he got hit by a ve-hi-cle last year

BARBIEBut...you hit him, G.I.!

G.I. JOEHey - it was an accident, okay? It ain't my fault the dog fell off during manoeuvers!

BARBIEBut did you have to run over him three times?

G.I. JOEHow was I supposed t'know he wasn't an enemy pooch?

BARBIE
Why do I bother... Hello? Somebody? Anybody?

G.I. JOEHere - lemme get somebody. It takes a soldier t'get things done around here...

(G.I. JOE runs inside the hospital and exits with a doctor slung over his shoulder, screaming)

DOCTORHelp! Help! This man is a lunatic!

G.I. JOE
Aw - thank you doc! Ain't that nice of him t'say, Barbie?

BARBIEPut-him-down, G.I.! Please? For me, your Barbie?

(G.I. JOE lowers the physician to the ground)

(BARBIE cont'd.) You'll have to forgive my friend G.I. Joe. He's a little over-protective

DOCTORForgive him? Forgive him? I'm calling the cops! The man's a real danger to society. I'm gonna have him locked up...

(physician produces cell phone and starts to dial)

G.I. JOEUh-oh... We have an enemy agent here calling his bad guy friends...

(G.I. JOE whips out a sling shot from his back pocket and aims it at physician and hits him on
the cheek)

DOCTORWhat the... That hurt! This man is really dangerous!

G.I. JOE
And don't you forget it! I know your type... Pretend to be a friendly doc but inside you're really the enemy trying to take over the world. I bet you don't even work here, do you? Let everyone think you can fix boo-boos but all you really want is in-for-ma-tion.

(G.I. JOE walks over to the physician who responds by running back into the hospital)

(G.I. JOE cont'd) Ha! I showed him! Coward! He won't be botherin' you again, babe!

BARBIEOh gawd, G.I. What have you done?

G.I. JOENo need t'thank me!

BARBIEWe need a doctor, now! Blain here needs help

(BLAIN starts to stir)

BLAINMummy - is that you? I got a boo-boo that hurts bad, mommy.

(The sound of police sirens can be heard causing G.I. JOE to retreat back into his tank)

G.I. JOE
C'mon Barbie - the enemy has found us but your G.I. JOE will keep you safe from harm

BARBIEThat's the problem, G.I.

G.I. JOEWhat is?

BARBIE
Your trying to keep me safe. Perhaps we should part ways...

G.I. JOE
Whad'ya mean?

BARBIE
You know - um - separate?

G.I. JOE
I don't get it

BARBIEThat's the problem. Let me put it this way: I think we should break up

Questions du jour: How will G.I. Joe take to a possible breakup with his Barbie? Will surfer dude Blain get the help he needs? How will G.I. Joe deal with the arrival of the police?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

A FOLLOW UP...the playwriting angst continues or...'hello - is anybody out there?'


As is the case with most if not all playwrights, I'm always seeking a suitable theatre in which to submit my plays and when I come accross one that is tailor-made for my purposes, it fills my heart with hope.

H-O-P-E. A four letter word that means confidence, faith, daydream, promise...among other upbeat and positive words. When it comes to playwriting, sometimes that's all we have.

Three months ago I submitted one of my plays to a theatre that deals specifically with humor. I'm reading over the information blurb on their site describing the theatre and their needs while thinking to myself: this could be a good match. Both of my plays are comedies and since the theatre accept electronic submissions, I send them/it "Gin: An Allegory For Playing the Game of Life."

Whenever a play is sent electronically there is for me, anyway, a creeping doubt that grows with the passing of days as to whether or not the recipient received the play. The theatre in question acknowledged receipt of the play within a two day period adding that playwrights will be notified as to whether their plays will be used within a month.

One month passes and no news one way or the other so I try to keep a positive state of mind assuring myself that no news is good news, even if deep in my heart and soul this is not necessarily the case at all. My anxiety replaces common sense as it frequently does and I send off follow-up query #1.

"Hi there, ---," I write attempting to sound up beat and cheerful and not to incur the recipient's wrath. "Hate to be a pain and/or pest but... Could you please let me know one way or the other, as to the fate of my play, "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life" submitted to you by e-mail on ----. Any type of update would be most appreciated."

This was followed up with query #2 reminding the recipient that the deadline for the promised response had passed and I was waiting anxiously (to say the least) for news.

Still nothing.

Today follow-up #3 was sent: "Since I haven't heard back from you one way or the other and you mentioned in an e-mail that you would be notifying playwrights regarding the fate of their plays in February, which has long since passed, and in spite of two previous requests for information, I would very much appreciate knowing whether you plan to use my play, "Gin..." Any news is better than no news for we playwrights."

And so I wait - and hope. There's that four-letter word again but what else do we have?


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