The neighbors are still fueding over shrubs

Once again, for the umpteenth time (how much exactly is umpteen, one wonders), just finished yet another update and re-write of "Neighbors" now known and re-titled, "The Shrubs."

It's been more than a year since putting the play to bed for a while in the hope of gaining some perspective as to its contents and viability. It's always been a favorite play because the characters get to say some entertaining and amusing lines. In the way of background information for people who aren't familiar with the story line, it focuses on the long standing dispute between two neighbors and the erroneous placement of a set of shrubs that divide their two properties. One wants them removed while the other is determined that they will stay, forever.

There weren't really many changes other than some inconsistences that were missed somehow, during the many re-writes. This was caught due to the breathing space between re-reads. In any case and because I like the play, here is the opening dialogue.

The two neighbors, Portman and Taylor, take great pleasure in defending their view points with verbal barbs.  Ignore the formatting since it was a cut-and-paste from Word.

THE TIME

The present, mid-summer

SETTING: Back garden(s) of two neighbors. A picket fence separates their properties

AT RISE:  Morning. Hot summer's day.

 

SOUND FX: Lawnmowers

ROBBIE (ROB) PORTMAN lazes in a hammock reading a book while holding a glass of liquid in the other hand. Dressed in cut-off jeans and a grungy t-shirt, his hair is long and unkempt and he sports a heavy beard

Dressed in a short-sleeved dress shirt and pants, JEFFRY TAYLOR, his next door neighbor, is the antithesis of PORTMAN, and a perfectionist. TAYLOR tends to his garden stopping periodically to study PORTMAN and finally makes his way over to their common fence.

 

TAYLOR

(wiping forehead)

Must be a hundred degrees in the shade today. I’d be indoors right now if my tomatoes didn’t need pampering. That’s the real secret of growing big veggies, y’know. Give em extra ‘TLC’… Hello? Hope I'm not disturbing you or anything

PORTMAN

           Takes gulp of liquid from glass

Must be them darn chipmunks makin’ a racket again' Gettin’ so’s a person can't read in peace anymore

TAYLOR

 How long have you been laying there?

PORTMAN

What time did the sun rise, today?

TAYLOR

Another liquid breakfast, I presume

PORTMAN

For your information, it’s plain orange juice

TAYLOR

And? You expect me to believe that? Oranges aren’t the only thing in your juice to give you – in your vernacular – a buzz

PORTMAN

Go suck a lemon. Wait – you don’t need to. You’re sour enough

TAYLOR

Touchy-touchy. You know what I’m getting at

PORTMAN

Okay – say it. You’re just dying to. Then go away

TAYLOR

It’s not like I haven’t said it a thousand times before

PORTMAN

How does what I do affect your life?

TAYLOR

Cheez Portman, it's only gone ten in the morning! You’re well on your way to turning into an alcoholic. Did I say turning into?

PORTMAN

Been there - heard it all before so don’t waste your breath. Go tend to your carrots or something. They need the Taylor touch

TAYLOR

Don’t ask me why but I care ‘bout you. Maybe something to do with the fact we've been neighbors going on twenty years and I don't wanna see you end up with cirrhosis of the liver - or worse

PORTMAN

Since when do you give a crap about whether I live or die?

TAYLOR

Better ,a neighbor you know than one you don’t. Don’t feel like breaking in someone new at this stage of my life

PORTMAN

Don’chu worry ‘bout me moving away. I intend to be here for a long, long time. It's too much fun bugging the shit out’ta you

TAYLOR

Do you see the incongruity in your chosen profession?

PORTMAN

Maybe I would if I could understand the question. Give me advance warning when you’re gonna give me another of your dumb lectures and I’ll make sure to have a dictionary handy

TAYLOR

Owning a bar must be the best thing that ever happened to you with your thirst

PORTMAN

It’s a living and I like the people who drop by. You know – regular people. Something you wouldn’t know anything about

TAYLOR

Denial – a sign of an alcoholic. Can’t you see the writing on the wall?

PORTMAN

You talking 'bout that "keep of the grass” sign you got posted all over your property? It's the joke of the neighborhood, y'know


Drains glass and checks watch

 

Gotta leave. Patty's opening today

TAYLOR

Another one of those Hooter waitresses?

PORTMAN

As if someone the likes of you would notice. You’re more into cucumbers, if you get my drift and for your information – not that I owe you anything - Patty is the right hand to my lef

TAYLOR

I bet she’s that and more

PORTMAN

And what would you know about sex? The closest you come is playing with your veggies

TAYLOR

t least it’s something productive

PORTMAN

Take a look at yourself and your life. Work your butt off for a multi-national all those years and what's it got you? A dinky house and a veggie garden. How do you stand the excitement?

TAYLOR

Save me from the melancholy alcoholic offering his view of life in a brief second of clarity. In all the years we've lived next door to each other, the only position I've seen you is lying on your back with your lips glued to the rim of a beer bottle. How long has it been, anyway, since you held down any type of job, if ever

 

PORTMAN

What's it your business?

TAYLOR

Figure you must be in your mid-forties or thereabouts

PORTMAN

Never found a position to suit my qualifications

TAYLOR

ust be near impossible to find a company that's looking for a hammock tester. How you've managed to survive on next to nothing is nothing short of a miracle, but then I would imagine your needs are few and far between. A bottle opener, a case of beer and you're all set

PORTMAN

Don't need big money to impress people like you do. I'm a simple guy with simple tastes

TAYLOR

And a big one for booze. How many bottles d'ya figure you drink of that poison a day? A dozen? More?

PORTMAN

Who counts?

TAYLOR

You sure as hell don't. Just bugs me to see you wasting your life away, doing nothing productive

PORTMAN

So don't look man! Turn your head the other way and mind your own business for a change and not mine! Listen! Your tomatoes are calling you

TAYLOR

All I can say is that I wouldn't waste mine lying on my back 

PORTMAN

Did somebody ask you to? It beats having to listen to you foam at the mouth about the evils of drink

TAYLOR

A person has'ta leave his mark on this world! He's gotta be able to tell future generations: ‘I-was-here!’

PORTMAN

My niece and nephew will know all about me, alright, ‘cause I’m leaving them something to remember me by.  When I pass on, this here house'l go to them, along with those beau-ti-ful shrubs. It’s all written out in my will

TAYLOR

By the time they inherit your house if you still own it, those shrubs'l be long gone, I can promise you that

PORTMAN

Might even build a de-luxe-y tree house for them this summer so's their grandkids can learn all about nature, up close and personal-like…

TAYLOR

Wouldn't count on that, if I were you

PORTMAN

…maybe hang some tire swings from the branches…

TAYLOR

ver my dead body!

PORTMAN

I can arrange that. Anyway, you don't have any say what I do with them shrubs

TAYLOR

Maybe not right now but don't count on them being here much longer

TAYLOR

How come the topic of conversation between us always ends up about your so-called shrubs growing on my property? Ten years of begging you to dig 'em up and they're still
standing, getting taller every year. The longer you leave them, the more it's gonna cost you to cut 'em down when the time comes

PORTMAN

There ain't ever gonna be a time and they ain't ever gonna be cut so I ain't worried none

ZOO DIARY - Thanksgiving - a fowl day for turkeys

In recognition of the up-coming U.S. Thanksgiving holiday.

ZOO DIARY – TURKEY’S DILEMMA

 

SCENE: CITY ZOO

Thanksgiving eve. The zoo denizens are upset with the zoo directorate having not been included in the Thanksgiving celebrations

RAT

Once again, we’re not included in Thanksgiving celebrations

ZEBRA

Did you really expect to? I mean, why should they? Who are we? Merely the tools in which they make money. That’s all - and how do they thank us? Closing the zoo for the day so we can’t even expect extra treats from visitors. This is so typically…human
 
SOUND: GOBBLE-GOBBLE… GOBBLE-GOBBLE….

RAT

What’s that noise?

ZEBRA

Noise? What noise? Are my stripes straight?

RAT

You don’t hear that?

ZEBRA

‘You are magnificent… Those teeth…those sparkling eyes…’

RAT

Maybe if you’d get your face away from that mirror and stop admiring yourself…

ZEBRA

A person has to make sure that he looks good from every angle. Being the sole representative of the zebra specie in this zoo comes with a responsibility. A daily body examination is necessary to ensure that all my black stripes are evenly spaced on my perfectly white skin. ‘Yesssss! Perfection personified!’

RAT

Far be it to burst your bubble, Zeeb…

ZEBRA

…I am not zeeb - or zebby - or zeeby-baby. I’m a zebra. Z-E-B-R-A!

RAT

Gotcha Zebby-boy – like I was sayin’ – the way that I see it, the stripe on your upper right leg doesn’t well…match the left

ZEBRA

What?! You must be mistaken. It’s not possible… How could this be? I just checked it not two minutes ago and it was perfectly aligned

(MANNY, the boa constrictor slithers in)

Hey – how ‘ya doin’?

RAT

Manny – you’re out. Free. Did you eat lunch, yet?

ZEBRA

Yes Manny – I do hope they’ve fed you some nourishment. I mean, it’s important to keep up your strength. We don’t want you slithering around hungry looking for anybody, heh-heh…

RAT

That’s the last thing we need - being that we’re your friends and all - that is to say, we don’t want you to experience hunger pangs…

MANNY

As I remember, I had a nibble a month ago but no in between snacks since then. Sure is quiet around here. No humans to knock on the glass of my enclosure. One day...one sweet day...someone is gonna hit hard enough to break the glass and they'll find out why my knick-name is Mr. Squeeze

NOISE: GOBBLE-GOBBLE  GOBBLE-GOBBLE…

RAT

There it is again. Sounds familiar-like

(a turkey suddenly drops down from a tree)

TURKEY

Save me!

ZEBRA

A tree chicken. How unique. 

TURKEY

I am a turkey who requires sanctuary

RAT

Listen chicken sweetheart…

TURKEY

…turkey…I am – um – an endangered specie. Yes – that’s it - and am declaring myself on the extinct list thus requiring sanctuary

ZEBRA

You must be someone important judging by your extensive vocabulary. All cultured and important species have an extensive vocabulary – and a beautiful body, of course (zebra looks at himself in the mirror) You handsome fool!

 TURKEY

I am very important. In fact, I can state with absolute knowledge that I am number one on everyone’s hit list, today

MANNY

(slithering closer)

Well I for one, believe you. You do look very appealing – in an endangered species way of course

RAT

Wish we could help, turkey, but we live out in the open with nowhere to hide

ZEBRA

I could send a protest letter to the Zoos of America if that could assist you in any way

TURKEY

I am doomed!

MANNY

(slithering almost directly in front of TURKEY)

Well turkey – really feel for you, in the true sense of the word. I just happen to live inside in a huge glass enclosure that has lots of hiding places.  Why don’t you come back to my place and check things out? I live alone and there’s nobody to bother or see us

TURKEY

That’s a very generous offer on your part –

MANNY

-   Manny –

TURKEY

- Manny. It's not often that a stranger reaches out to a fellow traveller on the highway of life

MANNY

Anything for a friend in need.

(the two start to make their way to MANNY’s place)

(cont’d.) Did anyone ever tell you that you have a beautiful, full body. I bet under all those feathers, you have nice firm flesh

TURKEY

The farmer took good care of me up until before Thanksgiving. You can see for yourself when we get back to your place

 MANNY

Oh I intend to

TURKEY

Can I give you a hug?

MANNY

Later…when we’re alone…they’ll be plenty of hugging to go around

Zoo Diary: the zoo denizens get into the holiday spirit

ZOO DIARY

SCENE: A small zoo. Preparing for the holiday performance.

At rise: The residents of the zoo are practicing for the annual holiday performance. It's the last dress rehearsal before the actual production and chaos reigns supreme.

ZEBRA
Hello? Everyone? May I have your attention, please? There is far too much cacophony among the performers. I can't hear myself think! Not you my dear...you embody the true thespian soul

CROW 1
(laughing while watching from a tree)
Uh-oh...zebra says there's too much caca-phony around here. The elephants have been using the toilets, again

CROW 2
(laughing hysterically)
Oh Cyril - you're so witty!

ZEBRA
You mean, witless. Now where were we? Oh yes...we were discussing your acting abilities, my dear.

FEMALE ZEBRA
You think I have talent? My acting coach has offered to give me private lessons

ZEBRA
Would your coach anyone I would know? Perhaps we could work together to maximize your performance

FEMALE ZEBRA
That's a very kind offer but 'CH' swore me to secrecy. He doesn't want the whole world calling him and begging for private tutoring> He's a very private person

ZEBRA
Totally understandable, my dear. Know exactly where he's coming from. I too separate myself from the lesser...well...talent-challenged among us

(ZEBRA admires his frame from all angles, in a full-length mirror)

(cont'd. ZEBRA) 'Perfection!'  (whispering) You can share the name of your acting coach with me. There is a professional code of silence among zebra directors that is adhered to. You said his initials were CH? Hmmmm....not familiar with any coaches with those initials...

FEMALE ZEBRA
He calls himself cheetah

(ZEBRA reacts with horror)

ZEBRA
Cheetah...you did say cheetah? Does this cheetah...would this coach live, perchance, in a cage in this very zoo?

FEMALE ZEBRA
He would! How did you know? He said that his style of coaching requires getting down to the bare bones of acting

ZEBRA
(horrified)
My dear, naïve, zebra! Forget about - um - coach cheetah. I, myself, shall take you on as a client, gratis, and as a cost to myself (aside to himself) ...wait 'til I get my hands on cheetah...' What am I saying? Let's just say, my dear, that his reputation and taste for zebras is well developed. Why don't you go over there in the corner and study your lines

FEMALE ZEBRA
If you say so. "I think I hear Santa!....I think I hear Santa....I think I hear Santa...'

ZEBRA
Okay...actors - places please! Mr. Squeeze - please tear yourself away from rat? We don't want a repeat performance of last year's incident

MR. SQUEEZE
I was just trying to show him some love

RAT
(gasping for breath)
Surrre! Remember the squirrel incident? We lost our Santa Claus on account of you

MR. SQUEEZE
We're good friends! Right rat? Who ever heard of a squirrel playing Santa Claus, anyway?

ZEBRA
(admiring himself in the mirror and fixing his cravat)
'You handsome devil! Your stripes don't do you justice. 'kiss-kiss....' For the record and given our budget, which is half of last year's and next to nothing, he was the only one who could fit into the Santa suit. Who will play the old elf this year?

(a chicken jumps down from the branch of a tree)

CHICKEN
I would like to volunteer my services for the cause

MR. SQUEEZE
(slithering up close to chicken)
Great idea! And my contribution will be to offer my help We can go over your lines in my den

ZEBRA
Not! Thank you for your...offer but I'm sure chicken can remember "ho-ho-ho..." Now if you will put on the suit, we can start our rehearsal

CHICKEN
It's a little tight...jacket won't...fit...over my...breast bone...

CHEETAH
Perhaps I can fix that problem ...

MR. SQUEEZE
...my particular qualities can definitely fix that...

(both cheetah and MR. SQUEEZE inch closer to the chicken)

ZEBRA
Stop where you are, both of you! We will make do with what we have. Please put on the red hat and black shiny boots and get on the sled. The children are arriving

CHICKEN
(smoothing her feathers and pulling the jacket over his breast)
I'm very nervous.. This is my first acting job

CHEETAH
Don't worry my friend. I'll be watching close by...in case you forget your lines, of course

ZEBRA
Places people! Mr. Squeeze - you're not in the first scene

MR. SQUEEZE
Just helping chicken get over his nerves. Everyone needs a hug''

Open the curtains and let the play begin!

NEXT TIME: THE SHOW MUST GO ON - MAYBE

SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE

THE COFFEE QUANDARY

 

 

SCENE:  COFFEE SHOP. A HALF-DOZEN PEOPLE LINE UP TO ORDER COFFEE. PERSON ENTERS AND CREATES ANOTHER LINE, NEXT TO THE EXISTING LINE.

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Hello? We're all waiting to be served, too

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 IGNORES COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

(CONT'D.) COFFEE DRINKER 1

 'Scuse me but he line begins and ends here. Feel free to join us - at the back of course

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

I want a coffee! Nothing else

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Me too!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

You would make me go to the back of the line for one cup of coffee?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Why not? That's why we're here but we wait our turn!

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 reluctantly and slowly moves to back of line, talking to people as she walks,  shaking her head)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

This is so dumb! One lousy coffee that would take less than thirty seconds to order. Ridiculous!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Not really. A line up is a line up is a lineup. We all gotta abide by the rules. I mean, what would the world be like without structure. Utter chaos. Right people?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Y'know...I'm not in a rush. You can go before me

 

(steps aside to allow coffee drinker 2 to move up)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 4

Me too. Gotta lotta time to kill

(steps aside to allow COFFEE DRINKER 2 to move in front of her/him)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Thank you so very much for backing me up, people! This is a perfect example why the world is in the condition it's in. Nobody cares! Rules are the glue that solidifies civilization!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Give her a break! You're in front so why do you care?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

That's not the point, my friend. Why do I care you ask? I care because we must retain some semblance of order in society. There are societal rules that are accepted norms and lining up and waiting our turn to be served is one of them. Can you imagine - and I'm sure it would never happen because you people seem civilized - if everyone pushed in and demanded to be served? There would be chaos!

COFFEE DRINKER 2
It's a coffee! That's it! Nothing to go along with it. No danish or pastry or anything that will take more time.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
That's what you say now but how do we know we can believe you?

COFFEE DRINKER 3 AND OTHERS LINING UP
'I believe her...'

COFFEE SHOP SERVER

Can I serve anyone over here?

 

(People rush over to the other line. COFFEE DRINKER 2 waves and smiles at COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

I tried. Can't teach everyone to have manners. 'A large regular coffee - in a china mug, please'

SERVER
Only paper cups. Our dishwasher is broken

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Say what? You expect civilized people, like me to...to drink coffee out of a paper receptacle? This is absolutely unacceptable. Paper is so..banal. Wash a mug out by hand, for goodness sake!

SERVER
Look over there. See the big pile of dishes in the sink? You expect me to wash out a mug for you? I think not!

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Do I have a choice - but don't expect me to enjoy it!

(COFFEE DRINKER 1 takes paper cup and looks for a table. She sees COFFEE DRINKER 2 seated by herself at the only available table)

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Excuse me...but would you mind if I join you? In my discussion with the coffee server person regarding the non-availability of china coffee mugs, it appears all the chairs and tables are taken. You would think that they would keep extra mugs on hand for people who can't tolerate drinking their beverage out of paper.

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Well...now. How 'bout that. Go figure. There is justice in this world. Why don't you line up, patiently, and wait for someone to vacate a table.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
But that could take who knows how long. You on the other hand, are all alone

COFFEE DRINKER 2
I like my space

(COFFEE DRINKER 3 approaches the table)

COFFEE DRINKER 3
Do you mind if I join you?

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Be my guest.

ASIDE TO COFFEE DRINKER 1: Like you said, there are rules and waiting our turn is one of them.  I think I just may order another refill...or maybe two...