BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: the continuing saga of life among the plastic people
By Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE and their plastic "sisters" and "brothers" were relegated by circumstances beyond their control to live out their lives in relative obscurity, packed away in boxes in a warehouse…somewhere. At the point G.I. Joe, always the soldier was about to blast their way out of the warehouse, they were set free due to some unexpected legal proceedings and a court case. Once again, they continue to live out their lives in Plasticville.

SCENE:
BARBIE, ever the fashionista, is in her designer bedroom filled to capacity with designer clothes, trying to decide what to wear

BARBIE
Like…I can't believe I'm actually back in my designer home again with all my designer outfits, waiting to be tried on! Bend my arms a little, Ken. That's better. Now pass me those Dolce and Gabanna outfits. No – gimme the Gucci… No – I'm in a Stella McCartney-ish mood…

(G.I. Joe and Ken rush over to grab a handful of new outfits and fight each other to be thee first to hand them to her)

G.I. JOE
Get…out'ta…my…way…surfer…stupid-o! She was talking to ME!

KEN
Stupid-o? Look who's calling me stupid-o. Mr. Soldier Boy who blew off his own foot with a grenade! I'm her favourite and always will be! Right Barb babe?

G.I. JOE
Hey! That was an unforeseen accident. Anyway, I got another one. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here!

KEN
(distracted, looking off in the distance)Is that a wave I hear? Is surf up?

BARBIE
Ken…Ken…Ken… Like - life does not begin and end with surfing! There is more to life like clothes and being seen with the right people in the right places in the right time


G.I. JOE
(laughing)
Ha! See what I mean? She's not hanging-ten on your board anymore. She wants a real man and that's why I'm here! The time is right babe for you and me! Wanna go blow up something, babe?

KEN
Oh yeah? We go back like…forever, right Barb? We always were and we always will be and there's nothing that you can do about it. We've always been boyfriend and girlfriend – always. Course there was a time when we broke up… I was like…so depressed… Didn't come out of the water for weeks… Hadda get a whole new plastic skin transplant…and the smell!

G.I. JOE
You pathetic piece of plastic! You're nothing but… Press the red button on my back, sissy-boy. My new leg replacement has molded together, again

KEN
Maybe I will…and maybe I won't. Hmmmm….let me see now…

G.I. JOE
Oh fer… Okay. Tell 'ya what. Help me out and I'll give you a ride in my jeep. Your new surfboard there would fit in the back seat just perfectly. You'll be a big hit with your surfer pretty boys. I mean friends

(KEN hops over – on tip-toes – and attempts to lift G.I. JOE's shirt but his arms won't bend)

KEN
Tough luck, soldier. No bend-o, no button push-o!

BARBIE
(laughing)
Like…you two! You're like…so-so…

G.I. JOE
…army tough?

KEN

…your best beach boy?

BARBIE
Silly guys! Weird of course! Always fighting over…moi. Didn't your mommies teach you how to share?

(Doorbell rings)

BARBIE
Now who could that be? Maybe…more designer outfits? Or perhaps an invitation to a club opening? Hmmmmm….

(BARBIE hops over to the door on tip-toe and opens it)

BARBIE
(gasping in shock)
Like…what are YOU doing here?

SASHA BRATZ
Like…hi! Like…is that the way to welcome your friends. Right girls?

(SASHA barges past BARBIE followed close behind by YASMIN, CHLOE BRATZ)

YASMIN, CHLOE
Yeah – like…is that the way to treat us? Ooooooo – new clothes! Be our best friend and let us try them on?

BARBIE
You have-got-to-be-kidding! Like…why would I, Barbie, world-famous fashionista, let you, my former best friends who stabbed me in the back, like…try on these beautiful new outfits created for ME!

SASHA
How about because we're here to tell you something very important!

BARBIE
Like…who cares?

YASMIN
You will when we tell you that…that...

BARBIE

That...what?

G.I. JOE

Want me to squeeze the truth outta her, babe? Huh? I can y'know! Just say the word

(TO BE CONTINUED. WHAT IMPORTANT INFO. DO THE BRATZ'S HAVE TO TELL BARBIE? WE'LL FIND OUT DURING OUR NEXT VISIT TO PLASTICVILLE)

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor

BARBIE
Stop, GI Joe! Don’t pull that whatever you do! You’ll blow us all to bits! Oh gawd! Look at these clothes! Like...I can't be photographed looking like this

G.I. JOE
They’ll know we’re here, alright! Anyway, you look pretty good to me. A little dusty but then aren't we all?

BARBIE

But...someone like you doesn't understand that I, Barbie, fashionista, can't be seen as dusty. I have a reputation!

G.I. JOE

Don't worry, babe. Nobody believes all that gossip crap they write about you in the tabloids. Almost...got...it...

BARBIE
Stop! Like…isn’t it bad enough that you already blew your foot off trying to be helpful? You don't get it – there will be pieces of us...like everywhere!

G.I. JOE
Yeah but we'll be out'ta here! Lissen – as long as I still got one good foot and two arms… Mmmm...look what I have here. A good, old cigar…

(suddenly there is a loud boom accompanied by smoke)

G.I. JOE
…make that one foot, two arms and one hand

KEN
He’s nutso! Your boyfriend is certifiable!

G.I. JOE
Thank you, sissy-boy! Nice of you to say. Uh-oh…my bullets have melted

BARBIE
He is NOT my boyfriend and those bullets aren't real, Joe! They're plastic - just like us!

KEN
Does that mean…I’m still your number one surfer dude? Do you like me more than you like that Ass-tralian surfer-boy?

G.I. JOE
...I gotta find me some new a-mu-ni-tion! Hey surfer sissy-boy! Got any spare bullets on you?

KEN
You-you’ve seen the light, right Barbie-kins, and want me back! Right?

BARBIE
How many times have I told you not to call me Barbie-kins? My name is Barbie! B-E-R-B... B-A-R-B-I-E. Sometimes, Ken, you’re so…

BLAIN
…dense? Stupid? Empty-headed?

G.I. JOE
Think I got me some spares around somewhere here…somewhere… If only I could…check my pockets… Hey Aussie dude from Astro-Austreee-Australia – you got any extra grenades around?

BLAIN
Oh yeah. I always carry around spare grenade on my body. Cheez you are such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
Thanks! I got it all up here (points to his head with his foot). Lissen…lend me a few and I’ll pay you back

KEN
Ssssssh! Is that the sound of waves? Surf’s up! And me without my surf board

BARBIE
They’re coming to save us. I just know it! ‘Hello out there! It’s us, the Barbies and Kens and Blaines and GI Joes… Help!’

VOICE
Okay… Move in the equipment… Yeah…we got orders to empty this here warehouse…

BARBIE
Ohmygawd! Like…they’re gonna clear us out!

KEN
Don’t we want that?

BARBIE
They don’t know we’re in here! We’ve got to find a way to let them know! There has to be a way

G.I. JOE
Leave it in my hands, babe… I mean, in my hand. By the time that I’ve finished, they’ll know alright! Your G.I. is the main man! I helped Rambo get the bad guys and…

BARBIE
Oh fer… Rambo is pretend, G.I.! He’s pretend!

BLAINE
Oh? And what are we?

BARBIE
The sound…it’s getting nearer! We’ve got to do something…fast!

(QUESTIONS DU JOUR: WILL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING TO HALT THEIR IMMINENT DESTRUCTION? WILL G.I. JOE TAKE CHARGE AND BLOW THEM ALL TO BITS? TO BE CONTINUED…)

BARBIE
We're saved! But like…how can we attract their attention?

G.I. JOE
(attempting to reach the string to a hand grenade)
…just another inch…and…we’ll…be out’ta here… This should do...the trick...babe
When we last joined Barbie, Ken, GI Joe and their vinyl/plastic “sisters and brothers” they were spending Christmas stored away in cardboard boxes located somewhere on planet Earth. At the point they thought and maybe even hopefully assumed they were being rescued, the sound of heavy equipment indicated something to the contrary was about to occur. We join them now as panic begins to set in.

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life and love among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE continues in her attempt to break up with G.I. JOE, who is not getting the message. KEN, her ex-boyfriend who took off after hearing the call of the surf, has returned, unaware of the situation. Meanwhile, the BRATZ, fresh from bad critical reviews of their first (and probably last) movie, are heading back to PLASTICVILLE, expecting to return to their former roles of fashionistas

KEN
Hey everyone! I’m back! Your Ken is back, Barbie!

BARBIE
Oh…like…just what I need right now. Ken back

G.I. JOE
(picking up a rocket launcher and pointing it at KEN)
Back from where, sissy boy? How do we know where you were? You could’a given the enemy our coordinates and they could be heading this way now. We gotta kill this guy, babe

BARBIE
Not! Like…put that thing down, G.I.! Get it through your head that we don’t have any enemies. I mean, maybe badly designed outfits and tacky clothes choices…knock-off purses. That doesn’t mean anyone has’ta die! Punished, yes. Death, no.

G.I. JOE
This sissy boy…you know him?

BARBIE
Joe – this is Ken! You remember Ken, don’t you? You and him shared a beach house for a month?

KEN
Is that really you, Joey ba-bee? It’s me, Ken, your beach bunny!

G.I. JOE
(visually uncomfortable)
Um… Well… Never saw this disgusting excuse for a soldier in my life! Turn around and put your hands on the wall

KEN
Why?

G.I. JOE
I gotta frisk you - t’see if you got any hidden weapons

KEN
Ohhhhhh – I like that idea. Here let me help…

G.I. JOE
(frisking KEN)
Stand back, soldier! I’m armed with a weapon

KEN
Oh I can see that. Wanna frisk me again? Then I’ll frisk you…and then we’ll frisk each other…

BARBIE
Like…I don’t wanna break up your sick game but G.I. – we hav’ta talk. Now please?

(suddenly, there is the sound of a car engine and a Corvette pulls up)

Sasha! Jade! Jasmin! Cloe! The Bratz are back!

G.I. JOE
You know these dolls?

BARBIE
Never saw them before in my life!

G.I. JOE
Aha! The enemy has many faces. Okay ladies. Up against the wall and spread your legs

(G.I. JOE attempts to push the Bratz dolls against the wall and they hop along instead on their tip-toes)

(cont’d.) I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
We can’t! Like…our legs won’t move apart! God knows we've been trying for years and don't even ask about our sex lives

G.I. JOE
Don’t gimme none of your lame excuses. I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
And I’m telling you – we can’t!

SASHA
Like…hi Barbie! We’re back! Where’s the party?

BARBIE
You have some nerve! The four of you take off on me…like…a long time ago and like…you try to be movie stars and like…you sucked big time and now…like you expect me to welcome you back with open arms?

SASHA
Well…yeah. Why not?

BARBIE
Um – well – because – lemme think on that question

YASMIN
The bad movie director kept telling us to emote and like…we kept telling him we couldn’t!

BARBIE
How come?

YASMIN
We don’t know what the word means. Oh Barbie – please forgive us! We miss your parties… I mean, we’ve missed you.

BARBIE
Like…right now I got other more important problems to worry about

CLOE
What could be more important than…us?

BARBIE
Um – well – him…(gesturing to G.I. JOE who is crawling around on his stomach looking for "the enemy") and Ken…and Blaine

CLOE
Blain? Who’s Blain?

BARBIE
That Australian surfer dude laying on the ground over there
(The BRATZ dolls hop over to where BLAIN is laying, staring at him)

CLOE
Hey – he’s cute

BLAIN

(lifting his head and looking up)
Mummy? Is it time for din-dins yet?

BARBIE
See what I mean?

KEN
Hey ladies – remember me? We surfed together?

CLOE
Is he still hanging around?

G.I. JOE
Okay ladies. Hands up in the air! How do I know you’re who you say you are? Gimme some proof. They gotta gimme proof, babe, or you know what I gotta do!

BARBIE
(slapping G.I. JOE across the face after each word)
You (slap)-stop (slap)-that (slap)-talk (slap)-right (slap)-now!

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE

BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?

BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you

G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?

BARBIE
Um… Let me think…

(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)

BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!

BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!

BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!

BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon

G.I. JOE
What does he mean?

BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!

G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is

BARBIE
(nervous)

Well… You know, G.I. sometimes – um – two people – um – who have been seeing each other – um – for too long… I mean, who know each other a long time, need to – um…um… Need a rest from each other. Know what I’m trying to say?

G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No

BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course

G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!

BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?

G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!

BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart

G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished

BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind

G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?

BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…

G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!

BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!

G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…

BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!

G.I. JOE
I don’t get it

BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!

G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…

BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other

G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?

BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!

G.I. JOE
You mean…

BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine

G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?

(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)

G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!

(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)

BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!

G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!

BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!

G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…

BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…

BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again

G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?

(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)

BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off

BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time

G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.

BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…

G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…

BARBIE
…been there, heard that

(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)

KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near

BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now

(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007