Elvis - the Real Story...maybe

A year-long celebration to commemorate Elvis Presley's first professional recording on July 5, 1954, is set to take place on Independence Day weekend in Memphis and Graceland. There are people who believe that "the King" is still alive and that he planned his disappearance. So let's say that this was the case and that a very old Elvis is living in anonymity, somewhere, but makes rare appearances at nondescript venues like gas station diners to relive the good, old days.

Elvis – The Real Story

                                                      By Eleanor Tylbor

 

 CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

TAMMY        40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len
LEN                40-something husband of Tammy
"THE" ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer

 

THE TIME
The present

 THE PLACE

Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER

 

Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall; Elvis songs play none-stop. There are a few tables with chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station products and displays of motor oil, etc.

 AT RISE:

 TAMMY and LEN, two customers, are seated at a table looking around the room

LEN

(Scrutinizing the surroundings)

Um…who recommended this place?

 

 TAMMY

(reading book)

The restaurant guide write-up says it’s fine dining with a difference

 

LEN

Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our bread basket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day

 

TAMMY

Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere

 

LEN

You mean the aromatic scent of “eau du trash” coming from the back? Phee-ew!

 

TAMMY

You’re so…so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. It's about this authentic ‘60’s décor that gives the place its special caché!

 

LEN

More like early condemned. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?

 

TAMMY

That's the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King.” It's all too…wonderful

 

LEN

Are you saying that this…this gas station and three table diner was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!

 

TAMMY

For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners

 

LEN

If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up

 

TAMMY

You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…

 

LEN

…obviously not long enough…

 

 

TAMMY

…seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…

 

LEN

…and a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning

 

TAMMY

Get a grip! The waiter is coming so try to act normal, if that’s possible

               the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a

              typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands,

             frequently

 

WAITER

(swinging his hips between every word)

Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…

 

LEN

No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!

 

TAMMY

Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu here and we’ll choose

 

LEN

So tacky. All the dishes are Elvis songs. 'Be-bop-a-lu-la' chicken wings…' The 'Love Me Tender' t-bone looks questionable and it comes with fries that are probably a couple months old and a 'I Did It My Way' salad. Look at this: says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Yesterday's road-kill most likely

 

TAMMY

Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…

 

               the waiter comes over to take the order

 

LEN

Are all those dishes served a la carte?

 

WAITER

(swinging hips)

No – on a plate. Uh-huh…

 

TAMMY

Just choose something already

 

WAITER

Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…

 

                                                                                                            LIGHTS DIM

 

TAMMY

Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin

 

                                                                                            SOUND: GUITAR TWANG

 

LEN

I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside, not to mention the smell. Mind you, it's hard to tell the difference between the food and the gas

 

              (The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the waiter now dressed

              in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the

             counter holding a hand mic.)

 

VOICE OVER

“For your entertainment and pllllea-sure, the King has entered the building!”

 A very over-weight man dressed in a white jump suit enters, stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black aviator glasses cover his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head

(VOICE-OVER)

“Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is proud to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”

 

A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops  over to kiss Len, who pushes him way

 

ELVIS

“Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked

 

he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket

 

ELVIS

(in weak squeaky voice)

Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty…could be forty… Anyway… Good t'see y’all ain’t fergetten the King

              whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose

 

ELVIS

Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?

 

              starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on

             the back

 

ELVIS

See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.

 

              starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting

             clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck

 

DOCTOR

Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know y'all gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be

 

 

ELVIS

(laughing and staring at her breasts)

Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…at least I think it's a favorite...what's the name of the song now...nobody help me - it'll come back ...

 

              Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key

 

LEN

(starting to get up)

Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this…

 

              Sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors

 

ELVIS

Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!

 

              Two males wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take

              his arms

 

                                                                                                

MALE 1

C’mon pops. You got another gig at the Sunnyvale Nursing Home

 

ELVIS

But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!

 

MALE 1

(shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)

You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.

 

ELVIS

Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!

 

MALE 1

Here you are…

 

               the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the

              couple

ELVIS

Thank you all very much!

 

Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men

 

LEN

(addressing waiter)

That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!

 

WAITER

The guy is over 80 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements, a bad knee and now all that shaking he does is the real thing, poor guy. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?

 

LEN

I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis

               LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces

 

WAITER

You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…

 

LEN

Elvis my a-s-s!

 

WAITER

That piece of paper would’a given you a free tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…

 

Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together

 

LEN

A tank of gas is a tank of gas is…

 

VOICE OVER

“The King has left the building”

 

LEN

(on his knees scooping up pieces of paper frantically)

Hang on a minute. I can stick these pieces together… Help me Tammy – at the price of gas these days…

 

 ©Eleanor Tylbor, 2009

Arks to Go II - The Plan

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: LIVING ROOM OF AN APARTMENT. LATE EVENING

 

Angie and her male friend, Joe, evening together is interrupted by a knock on the door. Angie attempts to ignore the interruption but it continues, growing in intensity

 

 

JOE

Aren't you going to answer the door?

 

ANGIE

Knock? I don't hear a knock. Now where were we...

 

JOE

You're such a joker, Angie. It sounds urgent

 

ANGIE

Probably the neighbor upstairs, complaining again. She is such a pain. Bangs on the ceiling even when I sneeze. 'Get a life, Mrs. Plotnik!'

 

JOE

If you don't answer the door - I will!

 

ANGIE

O-kay...if you insist but I know I'm gonna regret this

 

(Angie opens the door to an elderly man (NOAH) with a very long white beard and hair down to the floor, dressed in army fatigues. He rushes by her)

 

NOAH

Hel-lo! Noah's my name and arks are my fame! A little frivolity always helps to break the ice in a social situation, don't you think? Angie - introduce me to your friend, here

 

ANGIE

Noah - remember I told you my carpets don't need cleaning? Call me in a few years - preferably longer. Now if you'll excuse me...

 

(she tries to lead Noah to the door, unsuccessfully)

 

NOAH

You're just joking, aren't you! We're old friends, remember?

 

ANGIE

How can I forget?

 

                                                                                                         SOUND: ELEPHANTS

 

JOE

What's that? Sounds like elephants

 

ANGIE

He comes with his own sound effects. Um - didn't I mention that Noah here, does sound engineering for movies?

 

NOAH

No I don't! Aw - you're just teasing, right? 'I'll be back soon, guys!' They don't like to be left alone. Elephants are such babies. They're afraid of the jackals and the monkeys love to tease them. You know - when the boss is away... So...Joe - whad'ya think of all the rain we've been having?

 

JOE

Haven't given it a lot of thought, to be honest

 

NOAH

Maybe you should. Could be the beginning of ...

 

ANGIE

...Noah here runs a zoo. Perhaps you should be getting back to your animals, Noah! Nice of you to visit...

 

(Angie attempts to move Noah towards the door but he resists)

 

JOE

You two seem like old friends. How did you meet?

 

NOAH

Well...Angie phoned me about six months ago and asked me about building an ark...

 

ANGIE

...as a gift for my nephew. He's into arks and I wanted to give him something unique

 

NOAH

...and we've been friends on-and-off

 

ANGIE

Good to see you again. Call me sometime

 

NOAH

Somehow we lost touch with each other. I came across her address while cleaning out the parrot cages the other day and here I am! Nothing like re-connecting in person. So Joe - do you like to sail boats, perchance, or maybe you build boats?

 

ANGIE

Stop with the questions, already, Noah! See you around...I'm sure you have lots to do back at the zoo

 

JOE

As a matter of fact, I'm handy with a hammer and nails

 

NOAH

No! What a coincidence. I'm looking for a person to help me with a project I'm working on that involves someone who knows how to put two pieces of wood together

 

JOE

Maybe I could help you

 

NOAH

You don't have to be an expert or anything. I have a set of plans laid out by Someone who makes building an ark as easy as 1-2-3

 

ANGIE

Hello? Joe? Remember me? I think I hear the elephants calling you, Noah.

 

JOE

Why don't I give you my cell number? We can discuss this further over lunch

 

NOAH

No need for that. I'll get in touch. Isn't this exciting, Angie? You, Joe...building a new ark together...think of the possibilities

 

ANGIE

My heart beats with eager anticipation at the aspect of spending time with wild animals. Why do I think my life is not my own, anymore...

 

NOAH

I know what you mean. It's going to be such fun. Now Joe - do you get sea sick?

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

 







Good news update - progress at last!

People who drop by this blog regularly or from time-to-time are aware of my moaning, groaning and general kvetching about my play writing and all the hang-ups thereof. This includes unfinished plays that appear to have potential but end up stored in the to-be-examined-at-a-later-date file. Later could mean a month or years. Sometimes though,. things just seem to work.

I've been in a play submission mode of late and decided that my play, "Retribution" deserved to be seen and heard by the world. To this end and after submitting to the Sundog Theatre of Staten Island, I am pleased - nay - delighted to report that they have selected Retribution to be part of their Summer Reading Series to be held on Thursday, August 7, 7:30 p.m. at the St. George Theatre in Staten Island.  A one-act play, a drama, focuses on revenge  specifically (adapted from the synopsis) "after years of patiently waiting and planning for their paths to cross, a hairdresser has an opportunity to exact revenge for a horrific past crime that has gone unpunished." Drop by and see the drama play out in person if you live in the New York area since admission is free of charge.

Still more progress to report in other areas. Finally finished the first draft of "Neighbors" now called, "The Shrubs." It took me a year or more to complete but I'm very pleased with the end result. This is yet another play that started out as a short 10-minute writing exercise but over the years - yes years - evolved into a one act and then a full two-act play. There were a lot of twists and turns along the way and change of story lines but in the end, it wrote itself. All the good plays seem to write themselves. In any case, I'm going to put it away for a while before embarking upon the editing process.

"So tell us, Eleanor - what's on your agenda for your next project?"

I'm planning to take a serious read-through of "Dead Writes" and see where this story can go. It's a fun play with touches of the supernatural concerning an old, crusty newspaper reporter (Felicia) who lead a rough-and ready life that focused on getting a story at any cost. Having been relegated to a holding position where a decision will be made on her next step into either heaven or hell, she accepts the responsibility of training a newly hired, naïve reporter, but doesn't anticipate the moral issues and challenges that arise along the way. Only the newbie reporter is aware of the dead reporter's presence, which makes for some interesting and humorous proceedings. Her progress will be monitored by a heavenly spiritual adviser who is assigned to keep Felicia on the straight and narrow. Think this just may work...

More news will be forthcoming on the play reading and hopefully more positive news on other submissions.

The Turkey Strut

THE TURKEY STRUT
by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE:      Barn on a farm
AT RISE:   A gathering of the fowl-est kind. A group of turkeys are meeting to discuss a course of action to deal with the onset of National Turkey Lovers Month, which starts in June. The sound of loud gobbling is drowning out the speaker
TIME:        Early morning



HEAD TURKEY
Can we have a little decorum here? Hello?

(he picks up a large meat cleaver and forcefully inserts it into a block of wood. There is an audible gasp)

FEMALE TURKEY
Is that really necessary? Are you trying to give us a heart attack?

HEAD TURKEY
That's the least of our worries

MALE TURKEY
A little over-the-top, aren't we? We were merely discussing the quality of the feed the farmer is feeding us

HEAD TURKEY
How about this, then. Given that it's the month of June and if the farmer gets his way, corn will be the last thing you'll have to worry about!

FEMALE TURKEY
You're always so melodramatic, Sydney.

HEAD TURKEY
I'm trying to point out that we have to decide on a course of action!

ANOTHER FEMALE TURKEY
I got a suggestion! Why don't we all do the turkey strut! Strutting always helps deal with stressful situations

MALE TURKEY
Sounds like an idea. I'll put on the music

(they all line up and strut to the music, "Turkey in the Strraw")

HEAD TURKEY
Unbelievable! I can't believe what I'm seeing

FEMALE TURKEY
I know. We're all such good strutters. Who would believe we've been doing it for only a year. It's like we were born to do this. Come join us!

HEAD TURKEY
I was referring to the reality of the situation, which is June being National Turkey Month.

FEMALE TURKEY
(still strutting)
You mean, they actually put a month aside for us turkeys? What an honor!

HEAD TURKEY
Let me put it to you this way. If they have their way, you'll be the main attraction on a platter at Sunday dinner

FEMALE TURKEY
At last! Artistic recognition. I mean, doing the strut on a platter at Sunday dinner is the ultimate form of acknowledgement and recognition of our talent

HEAD TURKEY
Let me make it simple that even your limited intellect can grasp. Sweetheart - you'll be the Sunday dinner

FEMALE TURKEY
Stop joking around, Sidney. 'Okay everyone - follow me! Kick up some dust!'

HEAD TURKEY
How about this. We wait until night and run for our lives! That is - if we're still around

FEMALE TURKEY
Of course we'll all be here. Why wouldn't we be?

HEAD TURKEY
Because... I give up. Uh-oh. Heads up. Here comes the farmer and his wife. Don't say I didn't warn youze all

FEMALE TURKEY
Oh goodie. We can give him a sneak preview of our dance style before Sunday

HEAD TURKEY
(sighing and shaking his head)
I don't think he has strutting on his mind. See 'ya around! I'm out'ta here!

FEMALE TURKEY
Okay - all together turkeys! Puff out your chest and feathers and let's give the farmer and his wife a taste of what we're all about!