ZOO DIARY - part 11

 

SCENE: CITY ZOO. MORNING

Our story so far: a  small zoo that is experiencing financial problems, has been seeking ways to cut back. The zoo denizens, aware of the situation, have been discussing the situation and seeking ways to ensure that they are not adversely affected.

 

The zoo opens to visitors as usual. The animals of the zoo, which has fallen on hard times, make the usual animal sounds that visitors expect them to make


CHILD VISITOR

Look mom – a zebra! How many stripes do you think it has?

 

MOM

Who knows. A lot for sure

 

CHILD

A trillion? Can I feed him, mom?

 

MOM

We don’t feed the zoo animals, sweetie. They have keepers who do that

ZEBRA
(to himself)

Could'a fooled me

 

CHILD

But…there’s a machine here with zebra food. All you have to do is put in some money and food falls out

 

MOM

Let’s see...five dollars to feed a zebra? Um…perhaps another time

 

CHILD

But mom – we only come here once in a while. He looks like he’s hungry. His bones are sticking out on his side

ZEBRA
(to himself)

Listen to your son, mom. Better give them my sunken, sad-eyes look

CHILD
He looks really sad

 

MOM

Five dollars is a bit too much, sweetheart. Why don’t we go see the other animals

 

ZEBRA

Um…excuse me, lady. May I interject here?

 

CHILD

Look! The zebra speaks just like we do

 

MOM

Don’t be silly. Zebras don’t talk…

 

CHILD

But…I heard it with my own ears

 

MOM

There’s probably a speaker hidden somewhere in the cage. Zebras don’t talk. Let’s move along…

 

ZEBRA

They do when the situation calls for it and this qualifies. May I have your ear for a moment? I don't mean for lunch or anything although it does look appealing. Just a little levity to ease this dire situation

 

MOM

Okay. You got me. Is it on the zebra itself? Where'd you hide the speaker?

 

(she searches the cage)

 

 

 ZEBRA

Really – there are no speakers. We’ve always had this ability but kept it quiet because that’s what humans expect of zebras. Listen lady -  why don’t you give your son five dollars for the feeding machine?

 

MOM

I’ll bite. This is one of those TV shows where you catch people off guard, right? I’m not forking over five dollars because it’s too-much-money. Got that, TV people?

 

ZEBRA

See…thing is – the zoo has fallen on hard times and consequently has cut back on the amount of food we get. Look at my rib cage. Mere skin and bones. I’m really hungry! The last time I had a decent meal was breakfast yesterday. Give the kid five bucks. Please! Unless you want the slow but certain demise of a zebra on your conscience

 

MOM

(laughing)

What next? When will the program be on, anyway? We might be on TV, sweetie!

 

ZEBRA

(shaking its head sadly)

Yeah – you’re right on. There’s somebody manipulating my mouth. The producer is telling me now that they need some visuals of you putting money in the machine and feeding me for the show

 

MOM

Surrrre!

 (opens purse, takes out five dollars and enters it in the slot. She smiles broadly)

 

I’ll go along. See? 'Putting five dollars in the machine.' Here honey – feed the zebra

 

(boy feeds food to the zebra who gobbles it up immediately)

 

What’s the name of the TV show, anyway?

 

ZEBRA

‘Desperation’ but you might find it difficult to find in your TV listings.

 

MOM

We’ll look for it. Let’s go see the cheetahs now, honey

 

(the mother and her child move along. A rat enters the zebra cage)

 

RAT

So how’d it go?

 

ZEBRA

Managed to get something but it was a hard sell, let me tell you!

 

RAT

Did you do your usual tap dance routine or stand there staring at them and looking pathetic?

 

ZEBRA

Neh. Told them they were part of a TV show and that the producers wanted images of them feeding me

SOUND: Cheetah roaring

RAT

Heard that they're thinking of doubling up animals in cages to save space. Cheetah told me yesterday that he's willing to share his cage with you

ZEBRA

Oh I'm sure he'd love that

 RAT

You never told me we were gonna be on TV. Gotta go spread the word to the rest of the animals. What’s the name of the program, anyway?

 

ZEBRA

It's not real…I only said that to… Desperation. The name of the show is Desperation

 

RAT

Desperation?

 

ZEBRA

Indeed


(to be continued)

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE FRIES

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET.  Customer approaches the supermarket clerk, who is placing items on a shelf.

CUSTOMER
Hello? I have a problem

CLERK
Is it something on one of these shelves?

CUSTOMER
Um - no. Not really...

CLERK
Then it's not my responsibility

CUSTOMER

(looks around, leaves and then returns to speak to same clerk)

I don't seem to be able to find any other clerks. Perhaps you could help...

CLERK
What food item is it?

CUSTOMER
French fries

CLERK
Really can't help you if they're frozen

CUSTOMER
Duh! Do they come any other way? What I want to know...

CLERK
(focusing on stacking cans on shelves)
Sorry. You'll hav'ta speak to someone who works in that section

CUSTOMER
Look - if I could find someone who works for this store in the frozen food section, I would have gone to her or him, but unfortunately there's nobody to be found or seen

CLERK
That's 'cause they're all on their break

CUSTOMER
(looking at watch)
It's 1 p.m. They just came back from lunch for heaven's sake!

CLERK
Yeah but the union rules are afternoon breaks start at 1 p.m.

CUSTOMER
One shudders to think about the actual working hours here. At least listen to my problem ...

CLERK
Can't

CUSTOMER
Why not?

CLERK
I'm a stacker

CUSTOMER
Slacker would be a better description

CLERK
Huh - what? Us stackers have our own areas to cover. We just can't go over to another section and hone in on somebody else's territory

CUSTOMER
Of course. I'm so un-supermarket savvy. Okay. What time are their breaks over, she asked, wondering what the world is coming to these days

(clerk checks watch)

CLERK
They'll be back any minute now. Perhaps if you hang out at the frozen fries section...

CUSTOMER
Silly me! Of course I should, as you so quaintly phrase it, hang out in the frozen section. I just love freezing my...

CLERK
Gotta leave. Break time

(Clerk takes off. Customer goes to refrigerated section)

CUSTOMER
Excuse me - I wonder if you could assist me

CLERK 2
What's the item?

CUSTOMER
It concerns fries

CLERK 2
Fresh or frozen?

CUSTOMER
Does it make a difference and since when do you sell fresh fries?

CLERK 2
Can't really say since I'm an egg man myself...

CUSTOMER
...I know - and you can't discuss fries. So tell me - who can?

CLERK 2
Frozen products clerk over there

CUSTOMER
Where? You mean this person really exists in reality?

(Customer moves over to frozen foods)

CUSTOMER
I have a problem with frozen fries

CLERK 3
Returns are at the front counter

CUSTOMER
I only wish I had frozen fries to return. If you check your gigantic freezer, there are no 'Yummy Fries' to be found

CLERK 3
That's 'cause we have a big special on them

CUSTOMER
They just went on sale yesterday for heaven's sake! How could you sell them out, already?

CLERK 3
People buy them to stock up

CUSTOMER
That shouldn't be allowed, y'know. What about the rest of us who want a package or two? What about OUR needs?

CLERK 3
Get a rain check at the front

CUSTOMER
A rain check won't do it. I need them for a barbeque tonight

CLERK 3
There are other brands you can buy

CUSTOMER
They're more expensive. Perhaps go check in the back? Things always seem to magically appear from the back storage room...

CLERK 3
My mom makes really yummy fries from scratch. You could try that too

CUSTOMER
Well goody for your mom. About those sale fries, now? What are you gonna do about them?

CLERK 3
Rain check is all we can offer

(Clerk 3 listens to message over loud speaker)

Gotta go. They want me in produce

CUSTOMER
Before you disappear and being that we're sort-of friends and I'm a long-time shopper here, how about giving me the fries that aren't on sale, at the sale price. We can keep it between us - nobody has to know. I won't tell if you won't

CLERK 3
You'll have to talk to the person in charge of the frozen food. I'm not allowed to make big decisions like that

CUSTOMER
Why am I not surprised. Now this frozen head person, where would one find him or her?

CLERK 3
You can't

CUSTOMER
And why not, she asked stupidly

CLERK 3
He's on vacation. Won't be back 'til next week

CUSTOMER
Know what? Forget about it! I'll take a bag of the fries that aren't on sale

(CUSTOMER walks to front counter)

COUNTER CLERK
Can I help you?

CUSTOMER
Probably not. I'd like a rain check?

COUNTER CLERK
No can do

CUSTOMER
And this would be because...?

COUNTER CLERK
We ran out of rain checks. We ordered a new stack but they won't be in 'til tomorrow

CUSTOMER
You can't have run out of rainchecks! It's not legal

COUNTER CLERK
There's a big special on frozen fries. People want rain checks so they can stock up

CUSTOMER
This is outrageous! I'm reporting this to...to...head office!

COUNTER CLERK
They already know. They're the one's who supply us with rain checks

CUSTOMER
It's all very simple. I require those sale fries for a barbeque I'm having tonight. What are you gonna do to help?

COUNTER CLERK
You can have that bag of Mrs. Frys Fries at the same price as the sale fries

CUSTOMER
Why don't you specify that with a sign in the empty space that once held the frozen sale fries? You would make my shopping so much easier, not to mention keep my blood pressure down

COUNTER CLERK
Nobody asked me before.

CUSTOMER
I'd like three bags

COUNTER CLERK
Not possible. Only two per customer. We don't wanna run short and then have to offer a rain check and...

CUSTOMER
...I know. You don't have any more rain check pads. Shopping has become much too complicated these days... Tell me - is there really a supervisor of the frozen fries section?

COUNTER CLERK
Neh! We just tell people that

SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette


THE COFFEE DILEMMA


SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON


HE

Whad’ya taking? The usual?

SHE
(examining menu choices)

Not sure...

HE

You always end up taking number five

SHE

Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change

HE

I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?

SHE

What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...

HE

It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’

COUNTER PERSON

The full meal?

HE

Yup.

COUNTER PERSON

(keying in order)

Soft drink with that?

HE

Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?

SHE

O-kay...I’ll take...

HE

...let me guess. Number 5

SHE

So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart

HE

Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?

SHE

A few fries now and then don’t hurt.

HE

Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...

SHE

...and a coffee

SERVER

(stunned look on her face)

So you want a soft drink AND coffee?

SHE

No. Just a coffee please

SERVER

That won’t work.

SHE

Why not?

SERVER

The full meal comes with a soft drink.

HE

Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?

SERVER

Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works

SHE

What? Never heard of that!

SERVER

I’ll have to order each item, separately

HE

That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more

SHE

I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know

SERVER

You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay

SHE

What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float

HE

Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.

SHE

No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod

SERVER

But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink

SHE

What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.

(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)

HE

Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment

SERVER

(very unnerved)

I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...

(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)

Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.

SHE

Oh goodie!

(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)

HE

You’ve over-charged us by a dollar

COUNTER PERSON

Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...

SHE

Coffee...

THE TRANSFAT DILEMMA: a commentary and comedy focusing on the evils of transfats

By Eleanor Tylbor

News item: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation yesterday banning the artery-clogging substance in the state's restaurants starting in 2010 and from all baked goods by 2011. Though some cities, such as New York, Philadelphia and Seattle, have enacted bans on trans fats, California becomes the first state with such a law."

SCENE: A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. YOUNG MAN/WOMAN IS AT COUNTER AND WAITING TO BE SERVED. SHE/HE IS APPROACHED BY FAST-FOOD SERVER.



SERVER
Hi there! How can we help you?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. How's your menu?



SERVER
(taken aback)
Well...We have a great choice of burgers and fries and...



CUSTOMER1...
that's it.



SERVER
You want a burger and fries?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. Now how are your trans fats?



SERVER
Pardon?


CUSTOMER1
You know...trans fats? The bad stuff that causes clogged arteries?


SERVER
Huh?


CUSTOMER1
Your heart? The thing that beats in your chest? Clogged and then a massive heart attack? Death sometimes?


SERVER
(backing away)
Uh-huh...


CUSTOMER1
Didn't you get the message that Gov. Schwarzennegger has banned transfats in restaurants? Do you have any?


SERVER
I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about


CUSTOMER1
See - that's the problem. Most people don't and especially the fast food places but it's there alright! So do you?


SERVER
(moving away from counter)
You're beginning to scare me, sir/lady! I don't know! Really!


CUSTOMER1
There's the rub. Very few people know about transfats in fries, burgers, chocolate bars and all that junk food but it's there


SERVER
Maybe I should call my manager...


CUSTOMER1
It's really an easy question. Do you or don't you have trans fats?


SERVER
(starting to cry)
I-I don't know...


(Other customers start to gather around)


CUSTOMER2
Hey! What are you saying? Are you threatening this girl?


CUSTOMER 1
I was merely asking her if the food served here contains trans fats. I didn't realize it would be construed as threatening.


CUSTOMER 2
Yeah... I heard about that. Good move by Arnie and it's about time! (turning to the server) Does it have any?


SERVER
I dunno! I dunno! I only work here!


CUSTOMER 3
'She only works here!' Isn't that what they all say? Nobody takes responsibility for anything these days


CUSTOMER 2
Ain't that the truth!


CUSTOMER 4
Yeah! We get the heart attacks and they tell us they don't know!

(All the customers get involved in a shouting match, complainting about trans fats)


CUSTOMER1
(to server who is being consoled by another server)
Know what? I'm not in the mood for a burger and fries. I'm more in a..."salad-ish" mood!


CUSTOMER 1
(leaves the store with customers and servers yelling at each other)
Wonder how much transfat is in salad dressing...

In God We Trust. How do you spell that?
by Eleanor Tylbor

Perhaps he means well but somehow changing one's name to "In God We Trust" is bound to have interesting or at least humorous results. If the court allows him to do this.

Steve Kreuscher wants a judge to allow him to legally change his name. He wants to be known as "In God We Trust."

Kreuscher says the new name would symbolize the help God gave him through tough times. The 57-year-old man also says he's worried that atheists may succeed in removing the phrase "In God We Trust" from U.S. currency. He recalls that the phrase "God Reigns" was removed from the Zion city seal in 1992 after Illinois courts deemed it unconstitutional. Zion was founded as a theocracy - by a sect that believed the Earth was flat. The school bus driver and amateur artist in the northern Chicago suburb says he has filed a petition to change his name in Lake County Circuit Court.

************************************************************************************

So let's say he is allowed to change his name to In God We Trust.

Let's say it's time for him to sign his signature.

IN GOD WE TRUST
(paying for food at restaurant)
Do you take major credit cards?

WAITER
Of course, sir

IGWT
Okay...here. Take this one

(waiter walks away examining credit card. Returns a few minutes later)

WAITER
Um... Sir... We seem to have a problem here

IGWT
Oh? Did I put the wrong amount or something?

WAITER
That's fine. Um... It's about your signature?

IGWT
What about it?

WAITER
Um... You signed the motto written on a coin. I'm sure it was a mistake

IGWT
Not!

WAITER
We require a name, sir.

IGWT
In God We Trust!

WAITER
I'm sure you do - we all do, sir. However, we need a real name

IGWT
That is my real name

(Manager joins him)

MANAGER
Is there a problem here?

IGWT
Your waiter won't accept my credit card!

MANAGER
That's right. I told him not to! Sir - we need a name. A real name! Not a political statement or something... In God We Trust cannot in any way be considered a name. So if you'll just show us some other piece of identification...

IGWT
All my identification has In God We Trust. Do you believe in God?

MANAGER
What's that have to do with anything?

IGWT
Well - do you?

MANAGER
My personal beliefs have nothing to do with the present situation at hand. How about paying with some cold cash, instead?

IGWT
See? It's your "who cares" attitude that could cause "In God We Trust" to be removed from our coins!

MANAGER
So you admit that's not your real name! I knew it!

IGWT
I beg your pardon! FYI - that IS my legal name! Here... I'll show you my driver's license...and my vehicle registration...

MANAGER
(reading pieces of identification)
Well, I thought I've seen it all! Forgive me sir. I was wrong and you're right! However, you must admit that this is a bit unusual

IGWT
Let's just say it's my own personal political statement

MANAGER
Fine with me. Now if you'll just sign the bill here... I can't seem to read your second name.

IGWT
E Pluribus Unum. Is there a problem?