SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP
THE CINNAMON BUN SITUATION

SCENE: Seating area outside a well-known coffee shop chain. A female customer brings over a coffee and a cinnamon bun. She sits down, staring at bun.

FEMALE
I dunno... This doesn't look fresh to me

MALE
How can you tell? I mean, what does a fresh roll look like?

FEMALE
Should look shiny and moist on the surface. This doesn't

(she uses a fork to break a piece off)

(cont'd.) Blech! This is not fresh! I knew it!

MALE
You're going to take it back, aren't you?

FEMALE
Yup. I'm not paying to eat stale food items. I'll be back...

(she takes the roll and returns to the coffee shop counter. Server approaches her, staring at bun)

(FEMALE cont'd.)
This is stale!

(FEMALE hands over plate with bun)

SERVER
Stale? We got it in this morning

FEMALE
Well then...you received a stale bun. Touch it and see for yourself

(server puts finger on bun and presses it)

SERVER
Feels fresh to me. I'll have to get the manager

(FEMALE waits at counter for manager. Manager approaches and server speaks softly to him)

FEMALE
The bun is stale

MANAGER
Impossible!

FEMALE
Maybe to you but to me, it's stale

MANAGER
I get fresh deliveries every morning. This is not stale!

FEMALE
Sorry but it is

MANAGER
Lady - you wanna come here 9 a.m. in the morning and see my deliveries?

FEMALE
Not really

MANAGER
It has to be fresh I'm telling you!

FEMALE
And I'm telling you it isn't! It's from yesterday

MANAGER
Lady - I don't sell stale stuff! I'm in the food business!

FEMALE
I'm not accusing you of selling stale food items but somehow, some way, this slipped by

MANAGER
(highly indignant and defensive)
I've been manager here for a long time and I'm telling you this is fresh! I know! So whad'ya want me to do, huh? You want a new one, I suppose. Right? Or maybe you want something else? Is that it? You wanna exchange it? Give the bun to me!

FEMALE
Take it easy! Everything is cool! Relax. It's only a cinammon bun!

MANAGER
Only a cinammon bun for you. You come here 9 a.m. in the morning and...

FEMALE
I have absolutely no desire to be here at 9 a.m. to monitor your delivery order. That's your business! Remember I'm the customer?

MANAGER
So...whad'ya want?

FEMALE
(looking over the display case)
So many items...hmmm... Okay. I'll take the cranberry-lemon muffin

MANAGER
Here. Enjoy

FEMALE
By the way - is it fresh?

SCENES FROM LIFE

THE LINE UP II - a short playette for a short encounter

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Supermarket. 8-items-or-less line, where three people are waiting to check out items. A female with a shopping cart attempts to go through

FEMALE
Um - excuse me?

Male in front appears not to hear her so she speaks a little louder

FEMALE
Excuse me! I'd like to pass?

Male glances at her, then quickly away

FEMALE attempts to go by but is unable, due to the man blocking her

FEMALE
The aisle is wide and I'm thin, but not enough to squeeze by. If you don't mind - could you move to the side?

the other two customers gladly move against the counter to allow the shopping cart & female to pass. Male mumbles something unintelliglble, pointing to the door

FEMALE
Look - I had to pee. Okay? I parked my shopping cart outside the door and now I have to get through here to shop. So if you'll step aside...

MALE
Go out and around!

FEMALE
Pardon? You expect me to take my cart, go outside and re-enter when all you have to do is move towards the side, which will take a mere 10 seconds? Not!

the two shoppers move against the counter, again to allow the cart to pass

FEMALE
I don't believe this!

MAN STANDING AT COUNTER NEARBY
Me neither! I've been watching the guy. Misery!

FEMALE
Are you going to let me by or not?

MAN stands defiantly in middle of checkout aisle

FEMALE stands leaning on shopping cart, glaring at man who up until this point has been taking his time packing his things in bags.

FEMALE
(as MAN moves by her)
You are just too kind and what a gentleman! I'll make sure to remember your face in case you want the same courtesy.

MAN STANDING NEARBY AT COUNTER
Oh he's a real nice guy, alright!

As MALE passes, FEMALE shopper moves her shopping cart forward and somehow rolls a wheel over his foot

FEMALE
Oh no! How clumsy of me! Just one foot, though. You still have another! And now to go shop for food...

THE TEA BAG: A SHORT PLAY
By Eleanor Tylbor

Characters:

Fast food server: Punk-look i.e. multi-colored hair,
Long dangly earrings

Customer

Manager (male)

Scene:

Fast food restaurant. Customer is standing at counter with styrofoam cup in hand


SERVER
Uh-huh?

HAPPY CUSTOMER
Free tea refill, please, herbal if you have it

SERVER

(chewing gum/blows bubbles)
No free refills on tea

NOT-SO-HAPPY-CUSTOMER
You… don't… give refills on tea?

SERVER
Uh-uh. Could you move along?

CUSTOMER
‘Scuse me but you now have an unhappy customer. You do realize that, don’t you?

SERVER
Uh-huh. Next…

CUSTOMER

(Looking around for signs on wall)

Where does it say they’re no tea refills? I don’t see signs posted anywhere

SERVER
Holding up sign that reads: 'FREE COFFEE REFILLS'

Right…here

Server extends finger and points to sign.
Sticks finger inside her mouth and removes
gum pulling it until it is a long string.
Replaces it back in her mouth. Wipes fingers
on clothes

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head in horror)
Your nails are long, aren’t they? But this says free coffee refills. I want tea

SERVER
They’re not real, the nails I mean. Lost a couple last week and I still haven’t found them. Guess they’ll show up…somewhere

CUSTOMER
(hesitatingly)
My tea? Remember?

SERVER
Like I told you, free coffee refills. Them’s the rules

CUSTOMER
You mean, those are the rules. It’s plural… more than one…

SERVER
Now you want more than one refill? No way, José! Never!

CUSTOMER
I meant…I was just trying to say… Now focus. There’s no logic to your rule. We’re only talking here about one lousy teabag for heaven’s sake. Let’s say…I brought one in here from home?

SERVER
(Silence while she thinks. Pulls gum out of
her mouth in a long strip and replaces it
back into her mouth, wiping hands on blouse)

I gotta ask the manager 'bout that.

(An unshaven, heavy-set male with long greasy hair, wearing a tied scarf on his head approaches - grabs the SERVER and kisses her open-mouthed on the lips. They lock lips for 30 seconds)

MANAGER
Later babe

SERVER
Oh Howie – you’re so ro-man-tic!

MANAGER hits server on bum as she EXITS

CUSTOMER
Your…friend there is telling me that refills are good for coffee only . Unfortunately, I’m a tea drinker

MANAGER
That’s your problem – not ours

CUSTOMER
All I need is one lousy cup filled with hot water AND a teabag. I'm not even fussy about the brand at this point, and your water doesn't even have to be boiled properly!

MANAGER
Gonna hav’ta charge you

CUSTOMER
You have to or you want to? This is…tea prejudice!

MANAGER
Whatever that means

CUSTOMER
I shall alert the tea growers of the world regarding your policy and discriminatory attitude towards tea drinkers

MANAGER
Lemme put it this way - I won't stay up nights worrying

CUSTOMER
How many clients have been turned away as a result of this injustice, huh? Thousands – nay – maybe millions even!

MANAGER
Look pal, there's a long line of people behind you so decide, but there ain’t nothing I can do ‘bout it

CUSTOMER
Let's make this simple…

MANAGER
…and fast? I got a line of people who wanna be served

CUSTOMER
One cup of boiled water

MANAGER
(writing on pad)
That it?

CUSTOMER
Now put it in a styrofoam cup…you don’t charge for
styrofoam cups, do you? I mean, you have to pour the hot water into something

MANAGER
I better check corporate headquarters t’find out

CUSTOMER
No need. Consider lending me a teabag. Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! You can have it back once I've finished and then pass it on to the next customer. That way we both win

MANAGER
Borrow a tea bag…I dunno 'bout that

CUSTOMER
Be a fast food pioneer and tell the world, 'I’m-going-to-start-giving-free-tea-refills!' Hey! Maybe they’ll write you up in National Geographic! Or National Enquirer - or both! They could even add your photo, too! What’s your name, anyway?

MANAGER
Howard

CUSTOMER
What a normal name for a… I can see the headline now: 'Howard…somebody, manager of the Eat’n’Run, through his pioneering spirit, set the standard for the introduction of free tea refills in his restaurant.' Tea companies could thank you by - um - naming a tea after you! The - um - 'Howard tea bag' – the original pioneering - um - eight cup tea bag

MANAGER
Really? Name a tea bag after me?

CUSTOMER
Think of it as doing your part to help save the planet. Trust me that your average tea drinker won’t mind sharing a used tea bag. You don’t even hav’ta tell head office about your sacrifice! It’ll be our secret…save the earth and all that

Customer is handed teabag and cup. He dunks tea bag in, and then dumps bag
in manager’s hand. Takes sip from cup

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head)
Some people make their lives so complicated

Customer exits

/

Whereas artist, Dutch artist Johan van der Dong set up a local telephone number so that people can communicate with God.

THE GOD CALL
By Eleanor Tylbor

CHARACTERS:
PHIL
G-D

SCENE:

An office or den. A student is sitting at a desk covered with books. A cell phone rings and the student glances at it to see whose calling.

PHIL
Oh G-d…I'm never gonna be ready for my exams.

(phone rings)

G-D
Hello is this Phil? This is G-d returning your phone call.

PHIL
(sarcastically)
Hi…um - God. Talk about an ego! Get a life, pal! Listen – some of us hav'ta study for exams

G-D

Don't hang up! Really. I'm Him. G-d? The Big Guy? The All Powerful and Mighty?

PHIL
Surrrrre. Uh-huh. Brian – you're so lame!

G-D

Truly – I'm not – what's his name? Brian?. My persona has always been a source of speculation and strife - the two big "S's" - among religions. I heard you call my name not five minutes ago.

PHIL
I know it's you, Brian, you jerk! You by yourself at Marios? Manager leave early?

G-D

Listen - I have a lot of return phone calls to make. Gazillions, even...all over the planet, earth. Then I have to look in on the wars and the dying people...

PHIL

You're such a jerk! Okay. If you insist. I'll take one all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. This time make sure it's hot or no tip for you!

G-D

Seriously, I'm not Brian. I'm really - G-d!

PHIL
You always did have a big ego, Brian! Now you're calling yourself G-d? Oh you're gonna get smited!

G-D

Have it your way. One all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. Why do I bother?"

PHIL

Don't you want my new address? I moved last week!

G-D

Trust me - I know. Now if there's nothing else, I have a lot of phone calls to make.

PHIL

Actually, there is one more very important thing you can do for me.

G-D
Is it a confession you want to make my son? I'm here for you. There's nothing so bad that can't be forgiven.

PHIL
Yeah – sure. Can you send along an order of onion rings?

THE TRANSFAT DILEMMA: a commentary and comedy focusing on the evils of transfats

By Eleanor Tylbor

News item: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation yesterday banning the artery-clogging substance in the state's restaurants starting in 2010 and from all baked goods by 2011. Though some cities, such as New York, Philadelphia and Seattle, have enacted bans on trans fats, California becomes the first state with such a law."

SCENE: A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. YOUNG MAN/WOMAN IS AT COUNTER AND WAITING TO BE SERVED. SHE/HE IS APPROACHED BY FAST-FOOD SERVER.



SERVER
Hi there! How can we help you?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. How's your menu?



SERVER
(taken aback)
Well...We have a great choice of burgers and fries and...



CUSTOMER1...
that's it.



SERVER
You want a burger and fries?



CUSTOMER1
Depends. Now how are your trans fats?



SERVER
Pardon?


CUSTOMER1
You know...trans fats? The bad stuff that causes clogged arteries?


SERVER
Huh?


CUSTOMER1
Your heart? The thing that beats in your chest? Clogged and then a massive heart attack? Death sometimes?


SERVER
(backing away)
Uh-huh...


CUSTOMER1
Didn't you get the message that Gov. Schwarzennegger has banned transfats in restaurants? Do you have any?


SERVER
I'm sorry but I really don't know what you're talking about


CUSTOMER1
See - that's the problem. Most people don't and especially the fast food places but it's there alright! So do you?


SERVER
(moving away from counter)
You're beginning to scare me, sir/lady! I don't know! Really!


CUSTOMER1
There's the rub. Very few people know about transfats in fries, burgers, chocolate bars and all that junk food but it's there


SERVER
Maybe I should call my manager...


CUSTOMER1
It's really an easy question. Do you or don't you have trans fats?


SERVER
(starting to cry)
I-I don't know...


(Other customers start to gather around)


CUSTOMER2
Hey! What are you saying? Are you threatening this girl?


CUSTOMER 1
I was merely asking her if the food served here contains trans fats. I didn't realize it would be construed as threatening.


CUSTOMER 2
Yeah... I heard about that. Good move by Arnie and it's about time! (turning to the server) Does it have any?


SERVER
I dunno! I dunno! I only work here!


CUSTOMER 3
'She only works here!' Isn't that what they all say? Nobody takes responsibility for anything these days


CUSTOMER 2
Ain't that the truth!


CUSTOMER 4
Yeah! We get the heart attacks and they tell us they don't know!

(All the customers get involved in a shouting match, complainting about trans fats)


CUSTOMER1
(to server who is being consoled by another server)
Know what? I'm not in the mood for a burger and fries. I'm more in a..."salad-ish" mood!


CUSTOMER 1
(leaves the store with customers and servers yelling at each other)
Wonder how much transfat is in salad dressing...