BARBIE THROWS A CHRISTMAS PARTY - ALONG WITH SOME FRIENDS


SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.



BARBIE

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now

(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)

G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)

Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!

BARBIE

How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?

G.I. JOE

How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people

BARBIE

You are so right

G.I. JOE

Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around

BARBIE

Like...that’s the problem, Joe...

G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)

...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...

(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)

G.I. JOE

I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful

BARBIE

Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!

G.I. JOE

Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –

BARBIE

- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?

G.I. JOE

Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd

BARBIE

That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?

G.I. JOE

No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her

BARBIE

Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?

G.I. JOE

Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?

BARBIE

You are too much...

G.I. JOE

I know. That's why you like me around

BARBIE

And the word is “pervert”.

G.I. JOE

Prevert...covert...it’s all the same

BARBIE

Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged

G.I. JOE

Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!

BARBIE

So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal

G.I. JOE

Depends

BARBIE

What do you mean?

G.I. JOE

Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them

BARBIE

Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down

G.I. JOE

The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care

(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)

G.I. JOE

Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back

BARBIE

If only you'd watch and not act

(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)

KEN

It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..

BARBIE

Swallowed too much water, have we?

KEN

It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –

BARBIE

- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...

KEN

The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...

BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)

Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?

KEN
(looking down)

I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.

(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)

KEN

“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”

(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)

G.I. JOE

Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...

KEN

Well – if you insist...

(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)

KEN

And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?

BARBIE

Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?

(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)

BLAIN

Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?

KEN

Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!

(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)

BARBIE

Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!

BLAIN

I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)

G.I. JOE

Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny

To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?

ANNA NICOLE SMITH: the opera(?)

by Eleanor Tylbor

It was Andy Warhol who said in the future, everybody will be famous for 15 minutes. If that's the case then ex-Playboy centrefold, Anna Nicole Smith, will have had her share of being a celebrity, and then some.

Her life will soon be the focus of an opera by the co-creator of the cult musical, "Jerry Spring: The Opera" if all goes as planned.

Composer Richard Thomas is writing the libretto for a contemporary piece, to be staged at the Royal Opera House no less, in 2010. He said the tragic life story of Ms Smith, a former stripper who died from an overdose of prescription drugs a year ago, was "a classic American tale about celebrity" which was "intrinsically operatic".

Perhaps he meant soap opera-ish.

The production, still in the early stages of development, is intended to be shown on the main stage at the Royal Opera House, accompanied by a 90-piece orchestra. Mr Thomas admitted that he was fascinated by stories which might seem "trashy".

He told The Independent newspaper: "It's an incredible story. It's very operatic and sad.
She was quite a smart lady with the tragic flaw that she could not seem to get through life without a vat of prescription painkillers."

However, his choice of subject, a woman labelled "the queen of trailer trash" by American tabloids, is unlikely to appeal to diehard fans of classical opera, some of whom have accused the Royal Opera House of dumbing down.

Read the backgrounder about the soon-to-be-(soap)opera here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/04/nsmith404.xml


Personally, I wouldn't waste my money on this show and why anyone would want to do a show based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith is beyond stupid or inane.

Yawn... Pass... Not for nothing...

A NIGHT OUT WITH BARBIE, KEN AND OTHER PLASTIC FRIENDS
(a comedy sketch)

SCENE:TRENDY NIGHTCLUB/BAR.

BARBIE (of Barbie doll fame) dressed in one of her trendy and stylish outfits arrives at the door with an entourage of other Barbie-like dolls i.e. BRATZ. walking on tip-toe as in a doll-like fashion. GI JOE, dressed in army fatigues and chomping on a cigar enters directly behind them, walking backwards in a semi-crouched position clutching his automatic weapon pointed at a 45 degree angle, ready to shoot.

BARBIE
Like…Joe - could you… like…maybe lower that thingie? You’re like…embarrassing me! And did you have to wear that outfit in public? It’s like…so tack-y and the colors are so wrong for you!

GIJOE
(eyes darting around the room)
I told you babe - gotta carry it with me everywhere I go. The enemy is everywhere… Could even be - her!

(points and wavies weapon at a Bratz doll).

(cont'd) She could be a double agent! You a double-agent, babe? Lemme frisk you

BRATZ DOLL
(screaming in response)
Like…Barbie – maybe you should – like - drop him?

BARBIE
(whispering)
Like…you’re em-bar-ras-sing me again, Joe!(out loud) He’s so funny, this guy! Ha-ha-ha! What a weird-o!

GIJOE
(pulling down his fatigue pants)
Hey! I’m all man where it counts! Wanna see?

(the Bratz dolls focus at GIJOE’s crotch area)

BARBIE
(pulling up his pants)
Um- Joe - we’re out for a night of fun with our friends here. Couldn’t you, like, forget about your search for enemies for a while? For me? Pleeeeze?

GIJOE
(frisking the Bratz)
Friends? How d’ya know they’re you’re friends? Huh? They could be hiding weapons

BRATZ DOLL
He’s doing it again, Barbie! Make him stop!

BARBIE
(pulling JOE away from them)
Uh…Joe - could you move my arm up to my head? I’d like to check my always blond, never-needs-a-touch-up, perfect hair

GIJOE
(jerking Barbie’s arm upwards and then on her back)
Sure honey. Anything for my sweetie.

BARBIE
Um hon - could you stop now? My arm is on my back. Bring it forward a bit…not too much…a little more… There.

GIJOE
A soldier is always on the alert to help out whenever called upon. Uh-oh. Looks like we got us a bad guy at four o’clock

BARBIE
You’re not gonna shoot up the place again…Oh silly! It’s just Ken. He is like…sooo pathetic

(KEN, Barbie’s-ex stands at the door, dressed in beach gear and holding a surf board)

(cont'd)Look at what he’s wearing! Same old tired surfer’s gear. If I told him once, I told him a dozen times to update his outfit but did he listen? Noooooo! And he wonders why I, Barbie, the queen of the fashionistas, left him! He’s like…so pathetic!

(KEN spots Barbie and company and tip-toes in doll fashion, over to their table)

KEN
Hi Barbie! Hey Bratz girls! So…surf’s up!

BARBIE
Same old Ken wearing the same old tired outfit

KEN
Oh yeah? What about your army friend over there? Every time I see him, he’s wearing those filthy army fatigues. What makes him so great?

BARBIE
Well…he’s – um – brave and he – um – protects me and…

KEN
So? I can protect you, too

BARBIE
Like how? With your surfboard? Plleeeze! Get a life!

KEN
How can I have a life without you, babe? What’s Ken without Barbie? Life just ain’t the same since you been gone

(KEN stares off into the distance)

(cont'd) Uh-oh! Is that a big wave I see there?

BARBIE
Oh Ken, Ken, Ken… It’s just a waiter with a big tray serving drinks

KEN
Of course…I knew that…

BARBIE
You’re the same old Ken. All you think about is surfing and look at yourself. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for more than twenty years.

KEN
Hey - things are gonna be different! I got me some new stuff to wear in time for Valentine’s Day. Just a sec… I brought it along in my duffle…they’re letting me wear it early…

(KEN brings out a black t-shirt, black leather jacket and boots. He puts on the t-shirt, jacket over the bathing suit and the boots)

(cont'd) So? Whad’ya think? Am I cool or what?

BARBIE
It’s an improvement…but ditch the surf board

KEN
Ditch the surf board? I-I can’t! It’s part of who I am. We go to sleep together!

BARBIE
I remember – oh how I remember!

(the BRATZ dolls suddenly screech and rush to the entrance. A hunky blond masculine looking male, BLAINE, with straight blond-ish hair makes his way to them, walking tippy-toe in doll-like fashion)

BLAINE
G’day. You’re a spunky Sheila!

(GI JOE rushes over and points his gun at BLAINE)

GIJOE
Her name ain’t Sheila – it’s Barbie! Up against the wall…hands behind your back. Told you there’s agents everywhere!

BLAINE
‘Ey mate – easy on! I’m ‘ere for a good time! Look – I got lots of quid! See? I’m rich! Drinks for everyone! If someone could reach in my pocket…

(GIJOE frisks BLAINE and brings out lots of paper bills. BARBIE watches)

BARBIE
Pleased to meet you… What did you say your name was, again? My but you have nice clothes…

KEN
But…what about me? I have new clothes, too!

GIJOE
Get out of the way, Ken! I gotta frisk this guy again. He could be hiding hand grenades

KEN
There she goes. The love of my life.

GIJOE
She’s probably a double agent. Maybe YOU’RE a double agent. Here lemme frisk you…

(GI JOE frisks KEN)

KEN
Ohhhhh…that feels good… I mean, why don’t you come back to my beach house! I could teach you how to surf and we can frisk each other while riding the waves…

(GI JOE and KEN leave with KEN’s arm on top of GIJOE’s head as GI JOE continues to frisk him)

KEN
Oh I’m baaaaad….real baaaad…


© 2006 Eleanor Tylbor