BARBIE THROWS A CHRISTMAS PARTY - ALONG WITH SOME FRIENDS


SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.



BARBIE

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now

(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)

G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)

Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!

BARBIE

How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?

G.I. JOE

How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people

BARBIE

You are so right

G.I. JOE

Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around

BARBIE

Like...that’s the problem, Joe...

G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)

...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...

(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)

G.I. JOE

I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful

BARBIE

Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!

G.I. JOE

Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –

BARBIE

- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?

G.I. JOE

Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd

BARBIE

That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?

G.I. JOE

No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her

BARBIE

Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?

G.I. JOE

Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?

BARBIE

You are too much...

G.I. JOE

I know. That's why you like me around

BARBIE

And the word is “pervert”.

G.I. JOE

Prevert...covert...it’s all the same

BARBIE

Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged

G.I. JOE

Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!

BARBIE

So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal

G.I. JOE

Depends

BARBIE

What do you mean?

G.I. JOE

Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them

BARBIE

Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down

G.I. JOE

The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care

(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)

G.I. JOE

Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back

BARBIE

If only you'd watch and not act

(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)

KEN

It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..

BARBIE

Swallowed too much water, have we?

KEN

It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –

BARBIE

- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...

KEN

The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...

BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)

Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?

KEN
(looking down)

I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.

(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)

KEN

“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”

(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)

G.I. JOE

Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...

KEN

Well – if you insist...

(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)

KEN

And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?

BARBIE

Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?

(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)

BLAIN

Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?

KEN

Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!

(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)

BARBIE

Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!

BLAIN

I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)

G.I. JOE

Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny

To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor

BARBIE
Stop, GI Joe! Don’t pull that whatever you do! You’ll blow us all to bits! Oh gawd! Look at these clothes! Like...I can't be photographed looking like this

G.I. JOE
They’ll know we’re here, alright! Anyway, you look pretty good to me. A little dusty but then aren't we all?

BARBIE

But...someone like you doesn't understand that I, Barbie, fashionista, can't be seen as dusty. I have a reputation!

G.I. JOE

Don't worry, babe. Nobody believes all that gossip crap they write about you in the tabloids. Almost...got...it...

BARBIE
Stop! Like…isn’t it bad enough that you already blew your foot off trying to be helpful? You don't get it – there will be pieces of us...like everywhere!

G.I. JOE
Yeah but we'll be out'ta here! Lissen – as long as I still got one good foot and two arms… Mmmm...look what I have here. A good, old cigar…

(suddenly there is a loud boom accompanied by smoke)

G.I. JOE
…make that one foot, two arms and one hand

KEN
He’s nutso! Your boyfriend is certifiable!

G.I. JOE
Thank you, sissy-boy! Nice of you to say. Uh-oh…my bullets have melted

BARBIE
He is NOT my boyfriend and those bullets aren't real, Joe! They're plastic - just like us!

KEN
Does that mean…I’m still your number one surfer dude? Do you like me more than you like that Ass-tralian surfer-boy?

G.I. JOE
...I gotta find me some new a-mu-ni-tion! Hey surfer sissy-boy! Got any spare bullets on you?

KEN
You-you’ve seen the light, right Barbie-kins, and want me back! Right?

BARBIE
How many times have I told you not to call me Barbie-kins? My name is Barbie! B-E-R-B... B-A-R-B-I-E. Sometimes, Ken, you’re so…

BLAIN
…dense? Stupid? Empty-headed?

G.I. JOE
Think I got me some spares around somewhere here…somewhere… If only I could…check my pockets… Hey Aussie dude from Astro-Austreee-Australia – you got any extra grenades around?

BLAIN
Oh yeah. I always carry around spare grenade on my body. Cheez you are such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
Thanks! I got it all up here (points to his head with his foot). Lissen…lend me a few and I’ll pay you back

KEN
Ssssssh! Is that the sound of waves? Surf’s up! And me without my surf board

BARBIE
They’re coming to save us. I just know it! ‘Hello out there! It’s us, the Barbies and Kens and Blaines and GI Joes… Help!’

VOICE
Okay… Move in the equipment… Yeah…we got orders to empty this here warehouse…

BARBIE
Ohmygawd! Like…they’re gonna clear us out!

KEN
Don’t we want that?

BARBIE
They don’t know we’re in here! We’ve got to find a way to let them know! There has to be a way

G.I. JOE
Leave it in my hands, babe… I mean, in my hand. By the time that I’ve finished, they’ll know alright! Your G.I. is the main man! I helped Rambo get the bad guys and…

BARBIE
Oh fer… Rambo is pretend, G.I.! He’s pretend!

BLAINE
Oh? And what are we?

BARBIE
The sound…it’s getting nearer! We’ve got to do something…fast!

(QUESTIONS DU JOUR: WILL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING TO HALT THEIR IMMINENT DESTRUCTION? WILL G.I. JOE TAKE CHARGE AND BLOW THEM ALL TO BITS? TO BE CONTINUED…)

BARBIE
We're saved! But like…how can we attract their attention?

G.I. JOE
(attempting to reach the string to a hand grenade)
…just another inch…and…we’ll…be out’ta here… This should do...the trick...babe
When we last joined Barbie, Ken, GI Joe and their vinyl/plastic “sisters and brothers” they were spending Christmas stored away in cardboard boxes located somewhere on planet Earth. At the point they thought and maybe even hopefully assumed they were being rescued, the sound of heavy equipment indicated something to the contrary was about to occur. We join them now as panic begins to set in.