"DEAD WRITES" (Revised)
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE I
SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon
AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room
FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress
LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.
SOUND: somber organ music.
FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period
Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence
(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'
Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin
(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…
Man continues to ignore her
Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!
A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter
JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?
FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?
FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?
JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic
FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?
JOSIAH
Excuse me?
FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?
JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu
FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?
JOSIAH
Sorry?
FELICIA
I bet you are Wigs? Makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?
JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…
FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say
JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why
FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?
JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information
FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?
JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job
FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.
JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…
FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you
SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon
AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room
FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress
LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.
SOUND: somber organ music.
FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period
Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence
(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'
Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin
(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…
Man continues to ignore her
Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!
A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter
JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?
FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?
FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?
JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic
FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?
JOSIAH
Excuse me?
FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?
JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu
FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?
JOSIAH
Sorry?
FELICIA
I bet you are Wigs? Makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?
JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…
FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say
JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why
FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?
JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information
FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?
JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job
FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.
JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…
FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you
SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'
(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference
THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'
(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference
FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –
SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no
FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…
SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?
FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…
THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?
FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…
SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’
(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever
FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it
JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’
(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?
FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!
SOUND:
THUNDERCLAP
Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day
JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence
FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me
JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference
FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?
JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do
FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper
JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…
FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice
JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…
FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?
JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego
FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here
JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?
FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?
JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature
FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!
JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.
FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?
JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy
FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your users and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover
JOSIAH
We are all accountable for our actions
FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon
JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think
Female wanders in, stopping every so often to check out the surroundings.
She stares at JOSIAH and smiles at FELICIA
FEMALE
Hi! Nice to see another body here and I mean that in the best sense of course.
FELICIA
It’s about time somebody noticed I’m here!
FEMALE
Know where you’re coming from. Just wish I knew how I ended up here
JOSIAH
But…you shouldn’t be here, my dear. I’m guessing that you’re a friend of Michael?
Man (MICHAEL) dressed entirely in blue with glittering pants rushes in and
places his arm around female’s shoulder
MICHAEL
So there you are! You shouldn’t wander off like that. Come along now…
JOSIAH
You must take better care of your charges, Michael! You’ve been warned about losing your souls. You’ve still got two missing souls unaccounted for wandering the earth. This is not good, Michael!
MICHAEL
I’ve got a search party out looking for them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with them? After all – they are…
JOSIAH
…better get along now
FEMALE
Nice meeting you. Why can’t I stay and chat with her….
MICHAEL leads female away
FELICIA
Another member of your group, I suppose? So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to
JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?
FELICIA
FELICIA studies group of mourners
Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know
JOSIAH
It's neither one of them
FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there
She strains to see in the coffin again without results
JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly
FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be
JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?
FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …
FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!
JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me
FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day
JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?
FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way
JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that
FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit
JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately
FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?
JOSIAH
You'll know in due course
FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course
JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral
FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean
JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!
FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this
JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough
FELICIA
Is it necessary for you to keep talking in riddles? You keep hinting at…like there's something I should know but don't. I'm getting these flashes…a feeling that our paths have crossed …somewhere. It's like… just out of reach of my consciousness
JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one so to speak
FELICIA
(glancing around)
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the few people who showed up to say goodbye. Then again, real friends are hard to come by
JOSIAH
It's actually quite sad. That person believed she –
FELICIA
- so it's a woman -
JOSIAH
As I was saying she assumed she never needed people and in the end, seems that they weren't there for her when she needed them most
Mourner moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin
FELICIA
'Janice? Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but where were you?' Janice is my closest friend at the paper
JANICE
JANICE talks to "person" in the coffin
You miserable, lying bitch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish
FELICIA
‘Is that a way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living.’ No class but that’s part of who she is and I accept her ‘cause we’re best friends
JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat
She's probably pissed 'cause the corpse stole a lead away from her. 'Ya gotta move quickly if 'ya want a byline in our biz. You snooze – you lose. We better take a seat with the rest of them. Looks like everyone from the paper is here so who’s the corpse
FELICIA takes a seat next to JANICE.
ASIDE TO JANICE: You never did have any class, girl.
Turns to the man sitting on the other side of her
Hey Pete-ee! So, how's it goin' with you?
(PETE) ignores FELICIA, talks to the female on his other side
(Cont’d.) Hey - I'm speaking to you. What's with them all, today?
JOSIAH
He can't hear you
FELICIA
Oh please! He hears me all right but he's busy chatting up the new reporter, Chloe Starshine. That guy can't keep his zipper closed around the opposite sex, if you get my drift
JOSIAH
Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here?
FELICIA
To pay my respects to someone in the print 'biz. What else? You know…I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. This is a new one for me and it's about this outfit I'm wearing. I'm assuming I didn't have time to change 'cause I wouldn't be caught dead in this
JOSIAH
(bursts out laughing)
In your state clothes are the last things you should worry about…
FELICIA
I'm happy you find me so amusing. Ssh! I wanna hear the name of the corpse, I mean dearly departed
MINISTER steps behind podium
MINISTER
Friends…
Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any!'
MINISTER
…we are here to bid goodbye to one…
Another voice:
'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'
MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague…
FELICIA
At last I'm gonna find out who this mystery person is. Strikes me she sure wasn't liked, but even dead people deserve respect
FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone
'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Show some remorse!'
MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? A few words would suffice. Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?
FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap? What am I late for? A meeting…an interview… I’m sure I checked my agenda…
MINISTER
No one? Then we'll have a quick service for Ms Pembroke and you can all go back to work
FELICIA
Is this guy for real? Let me make this very clear: 'I'm among you, in the flesh! Look at me! I'm sitting right here.'
JOSIAH
I've been trying to tell you…
FELICIA
I know what's going on here. They've all staged this to teach me a lesson. 'Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!'
FELICIA stands up on chair, waves and screams
FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever
JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin
JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you
FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?
JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!
FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!
JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside
FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back
FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…
Aside to mourners
'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'
JOSIAH
It's you in there for real
FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even
JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing
FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!
JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only
FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now
JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…
FELICIA runs her hand over her body
FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing
JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job
FELICIA
She paces back and forth in a panic
This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?
JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat
FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?
JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped
FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere
JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear
FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…
JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke
FELICIA
Just…Josiah?
JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names
FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?
JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality
FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do
JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side
FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor
JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level
Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down
'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie
FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?
JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours
FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember
FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…
JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues
FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything
JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?
FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…
JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference
FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.
JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed
FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation
JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it
FELICIA
But you said…
JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less
FELICIA
Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand
I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave
JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you
FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…
JOSIAH
There is one person who remained
FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her
JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?
FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it
JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?
FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!
JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…
FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?
JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke
FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?
JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work
FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz
JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way
FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'
CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting
JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you
FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?
JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…
FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore
JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences
FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…
JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent
FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?
JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires
FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego
JOSIAH
Don't push things
FELICIA
Are we leaving?
JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…
FELICIA
How would I do that, now?
JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …
JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness
FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever
JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin
JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you
FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?
JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!
FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!
JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside
FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back
FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…
Aside to mourners
'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'
JOSIAH
It's you in there for real
FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even
JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing
FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!
JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only
FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now
JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…
FELICIA runs her hand over her body
FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing
JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job
FELICIA
She paces back and forth in a panic
This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?
JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat
FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?
JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped
FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere
JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear
FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…
JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke
FELICIA
Just…Josiah?
JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names
FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?
JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality
FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do
JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side
FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor
JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level
Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down
'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie
FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?
JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours
FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember
FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…
JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues
FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything
JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?
FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…
JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference
FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.
JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed
FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation
JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it
FELICIA
But you said…
JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less
FELICIA
Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand
I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave
JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you
FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…
JOSIAH
There is one person who remained
FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her
JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?
FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it
JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?
FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!
JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…
FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?
JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke
FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?
JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work
FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz
JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way
FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'
CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting
JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you
FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?
JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…
FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore
JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences
FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…
JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent
FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?
JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires
FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego
JOSIAH
Don't push things
FELICIA
Are we leaving?
JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…
FELICIA
How would I do that, now?
JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …
JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness
