Role playing - the characters speak

And so, the playwright, after many (many) re-writes of her play, ponders the next move assisted by the play characters who have a big invested interest in her decision.

SCENE:    Writing desk with computer set-up. Large coffee mug nearby

AT RISE:  Playwright sits in front of computer staring at screen,  evaluating if/and or what changes are required to play


PLAYWRIGHT
I dunno. Somehow, something doesn't feel right... Maybe I should just delete this play altogether

FEMALE CHARACTER 1
Say what? You've been re-working this play for how many years and now you want to erase all traces of us as if we never existed? What did we ever do to you?

PLAYWRIGHT
That's the thing. You haven't done anything to me or for me

FEMALE CHARACTER 1
And that's our fault? Let's not forget who created us in the first place

MALE CHARACTER
May I interject?

FEMALE CHARACTER 1
It's never stopped you before. Go for it

MALE CHARACTER
Seems to me that she hasn't really created a viable outline, which could offer a direction to follow. We all need guidance, a path that will lead us to enlightenment

FEMALE CHARACTER 1
Oh do tell. And what, if anything, have you contributed in helping her along, other than your bon mots and trite writing quotations

MALE CHARACTER
Officially, I don't exist having been eliminated in the last edit but hope springs eternal that I shall be resurrected in a future story line. After all, I am the only male character and the romantic lead

FEMALE CHARACTER 1
Don't be so sure. Given the amount of times the story line has changed, you could just as easily be converted into a female role

MALE CHARACTER
Actually...thinking back...two months ago I assumed the role of Prince

FEMALE CHARACTER
A prince? I don't remember any plot involving royal characters

MALE CHARACTER
Nothing so regal. Prince was a blood hound in her attempt at writing a dinner murder mystery...

PLAYWRIGHT
...which ended up going nowhere. Maybe this just isn't going to work. Maybe...I should forget about this play, altogether.

FEMALE CHARACTER
Don't be so quick to give up!

FEMALE CHARACTER 2
Absolutely! You're on to something! This re-write will be the one. Hang in there

PLAYWRIGHT
It seems that I'm in a constant state of re-writes. Sometimes you have to see the writing on the wall and call it a day

MALE CHARACTER
Have you sent out the latest version of the play to theatres?

PLAYWRIGHT
Yup. Never heard back, as usual. It's getting to the point where I'm questioning whether I have any ability in writing plays. Perhaps it's just hopeful dreaming. Why go on in the face of reality that the odds of my play being produced are probably a gazillion to one, given the number of playwrights who are doing the exact same thing

FEMALE CHARACTER 1
Don't forget that one of your plays did have a reading. That means something

PLAYWRIGHT
But it's still not the same as a full production in a theatre with an audience.

MALE CHARACTER
You're not serious about - you know - that ominous delete button...it was merely a momentary feeling of weakness. Right? You wouldn't do that to us.

FEMALE CHARACTER 1
We're here for you! Hang in there! Our future depends on it, in the true sense of the word

PLAYWRIGHT
Could I abandon you all after all these years, members of my literary family?

MALE CHARACTER
Far be it for me to ask a favor at this point but would you, perhaps, consider re--writing the Prince character? I mean, if it's possible. Barks, growls and tail wagging aren't among my best traits.

PLAYWRIGHT
Thing is...this play really has possibilities. It has all the essential elements that make it entertaining. Maybe a few changes and edits here and there before sending it out to make its way in the theatre world. Right?

ALL PLAY CHARACTERS:
We're with you all the way, girl!

PLAYWRIGHT
Maybe just this one more theatre...or two...three at the most

Decisions...decisions...and hope for a brighter future

Once again as has been the case on too many occasions, a rejection slip slipped in my email 'in' box. Somehow, in spite of nice, genteel words of apology by the theatre or whoever is in charge of the rejection notices, it doesn't get easier.

Really, given my former position as a freelance newspaper columnist/writer for many years, rejection slips aren't an unusual occurrence, but receiving playwriting-related rejections is a downer.

This time the recipient of the rebuff was one of my favorite short plays, "The Lemon." A short comedy, it focuses on the trials and tribulations of a woman attempting to contact a towing company in order to get her car removed, while trying to convince a public phone user to make the call.  In spite of the usual assurances that the theatre will keep the play for possible future use, it was a disheartening notice. Dejection, as any writer will attest, never gets easier.

Looking back, none of my plays have yet to be produced in spite of witty dialogue, interesting plots and good spelling and punctuation. Look - gotta look for positive points where I can find them! Had high hopes for "The Shrubs", which didn't materialize and my short plays came back home without a successful showing.

Today while skimming through potential submission opportunities, came across a notification that the deadline for the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition is coming up at the end of January 2016. In the past on two occasions, attempts to convert a play and a short story into radio format met with rejection. I'm toying with the idea - that's as far as it's progressed - of trying to convert "The Lemon" into a radio play. Given the fast approaching deadline, starting a new play isn't practical and it would be a personal challenge to see what can be accomplished in a month. Who knows...

Meanwhile, old soldier Joe McKenna and his vet pals are still meeting at the neighborhood bar, waiting for a new direction from the playwright. This play keeps calling me back in spite of self-declarations to let it die in peace. But it won't. There is something about the characters and the story line that is compelling and begging to be told.

"We ain't gettin' any younger," they all keep reminding me.

Neither are any of us, guys. Neither are any of us...

Waiting and waiting.... Been there, experienced that, etc.

Hate to see a straight line indicating nobody has dropped by my playwriting blog, as is the case presently. Actually, this is applicable to all my blogs. As writers, the purpose of sharing our thoughts via a blog is to reach the public in the hope that something we have written will strike their fancy, or like the contents enough to read it to the end. A straight line means nobody finds the blog worthwhile enough to drop by. Don't like straight lines but it goes as it goes. You win some - you lose some. Anyway...

It's Friday night and I'm watching "Shark Tank", one of my favorite TV programs, while adding content to this blog. Right now all the sharks are in a bidding war for a food product with offers of $100,000 to sweeten the deal. This makes one - me - wonder how much a play is worth. It would be dependent upon whether or not its produced and how favorably the public reacts in money values. But I digress.

Me? I'm still sending out my plays and short play-ettes here, there and everywhere hoping to hit pay-dirt. Wish I could report some progress but alas and alack, it's still a waiting game. Have to confess that I've been hesitant to enter my ten-minute plays in competitions where a submission fee is required - reading fee as it is frequently called - with no financial compensation offered upon acceptance and performance. It's nice to think that our time writing the play, be it a short one, is worth a token payment. Any feedback on this?

Came across a theatre recently that was holding a competition for full 2-act plays but only snail-mail-in submissions were acceptable. There is a part of me that understands their rationale since having to print up potentially usable plays costs money and most theatres are short of funds these days. If this is the case and at least in my mind, it would be easier to read plays submitted electronically and delete those that are unsuitable, no? On a personal note my plays have been edited so many times that printing each updated copy would cost a fortune, and then there's the postage...

Amazing how easy it is to come up with complaints about how unfair the system is. I mean, who else you gonna blame? Oneself? Neh...

Right now two males have entered the shark tank with a product that they feel is worth a million dollars and there's a bidding war with all the sharks involved. maybe Mr. Wonderful, Damond, Mark, Lori, Barbara or Robert might want to produce some really great plays.

SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE. At the coffee shop

POST PLAY DISCUSSION #1

 

SCENE: Coffee shop

AT RISE: Two friends discuss a theatre performance they have just seen
 

 FRIEND 1

(perusing menu)

Decisions…decisions… I just started seeing a dietician but I absolutely adore their chocolate-chocolate-and-more-chocolate molten lava cake… One more time couldn’t hurt.
 

 FRIEND 2

Given that it’s past eight o’clock and the worst time for weight gain, I, on the other hand, will stick to my usual expresso
 

FRIEND 1

You’re so holy-holy, perfect, human being
 

FRIEND 2

Jealousy is futile. It’s my genes. Everyone in my family is thin, going back generations

You do realize I could eat whatever I wanted without guilt but I don’t, because I respect my body
 

 FRIEND 1

Hey! Me too! My body tells me regularly, “feed me chocolate-chocolate-and-more-chocolate molten lava cake’ and I’ll make you feel real good!”
 

FRIEND 2

Anywaaay…So what did you think of the show?
 

FRIEND 1

Well…it had its moments
 

FRIEND 2

You didn’t like it, I take it?
 

 FRIEND 1

I never said that
 

 FRIEND 2

What are you saying?
 

 

FRIEND 1

It had its moments

 

FRIEND 2

Which means?
 

 

FRIEND 1

 

Kind of dragged in parts
 

 

FRIEND 2

I dunno. Made me laugh – a lot
 

 

FRIEND 1

That’s ‘cause you’re easily amused
 

FRIEND 2

Is it necessary to insult me, just because you consider yourself (makes quotation marks with her fingers) “a playwright”?
 

FRIEND 1

It’s the words and how they’re put together that interest me
 

FRIEND 2

Seemed like one great show, overall, in my eyes
 

 

FRIEND 1

You didn’t find that the first act seemed to never end?
 

FRIEND 2

I go to the theatre to be entertained. Period. I don’t agonize over whether the first act is better than the second because really, I don’t care! If the actors can provide a couple of hours of escapism, then they’ve done their job
 

 

FRIEND 1

We obviously view the entertainment through different eyes. I’m interested in the flow of the dialogue…the inter-action of the performers…things of interest to a person who writes plays -
 

 

FRIEND 2

- remind me how many of your plays have been produced –
 

 

FRIEND 1

So? What does that have to do with anything? It’s not for lack of trying. Have you any idea how many playwrights are out there all over the planet, hoping that someone will share them with the world? Gazillions I can tell you – including me! I mean, well known one’s, too! One day – one sweet day – someone, somewhere will read one of my plays and say, “this is the winner we’ve been waiting for!” One day, you and I, will sit here as we do after a night at the theatre, and discuss the merits of one of my plays. You’ll tell me how witty the dialogue was and how it made you laugh and how lucky that our friendship has maintained over the years…
 

 

FRIEND 2

So, are we ordering or what?
 

 

FRIEND 1

I’m thinking here perhaps it is too late for something heavy like the chocolate-chocolate-and-more-chocolate molten lava cake
 

 

FRIEND 2

Good idea - think healthy

 

(waitress approaches to take order)

 (cont’d.)We’ll have two expresso coffees, please…
 

 

 FRIEND 1

…hang on…
 

 FRIEND 2

I thought you decided against the cake
 

 

FRIEND 1

The cake is on the heavy side but a small butter pecan muffin wouldn’t even register on the scale. Now about the play…the acting was adequate but then they didn't have much to work with...

(To be continued...)



SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE - At the theatre

INTERMISSION

 

 

SCENE: WOMEN'S WASHROOM IN THEATRE

 

AT RISE:  FEMALES LINE UP TO USE BATHROOM

 

 

FEMALE 1

Line is really long...hope we have enough time

 

FEMALE 2

(turning around)

Sorry?

 

FEMALE 1

I was just commenting that there's a lot of women waiting to get in and only a 15 minute intermission. The worst is during the play when there's still a while before intermission and things get really desperate. Once I saw a woman actually walk right down to the front, near the stage, and rush off to the exit. The actor stopped talking, turned to the woman and asked, "can't it wait?" The female practically ran out the door and never returned.

 

FEMALE 2

When 'ya gotta go - 'ya gotta go, right?

 

FEMALE 1

(moving anxiously from foot to foot)

Don't I know it - and I really have to! Go, I mean

 

FEMALE 2

It usually picks up and moves faster when they near the end of the intermission

 

FEMALE 1

Hope so... Do you notice how the guys seem to be able to do what they have to do in three minutes?

 

FEMALE 2

That's cause they don't have as much clothing to remove and don't stare at the mirror or fix their makeup

 

FEMALE 1

Once in dire desperation, I used the men's washroom. I had to. Pushed the door open and screamed 'is anybody in there 'cause I'm coming in!'

 

FEMALE 2

What happened?

 

FEMALE 1

I held my head down and didn't dare glance at the urinals. Went in a cubicle, slammed the door and never urinated so fast in my life! Thank goodness there was nobody in there, as far as I know. The line is moving now but barely. C'mon people - move quicker! Things are getting desperate, here.

 

FEMALE 3

(standing behind both of them)

Don't mean to interrupt but there's another bathroom, downstairs. Everyone seems to gravitate to this one for one reason or another

 

FEMALE 1

Thanks for the suggestion but I'll lose my place if I check it out and I don't know if it's an improvement on this situation.

(ASIDE TO FEMALE 2) Perhaps if you would hold my place in line...?

 

FEMALE 2

Don't think that's a good idea. If you end up returning, they'll attack me figuring you're trying to cut in. You have to decide which is the better option

 

FEMALE 1

All I know is that I really gotta pee!

 

FEMALE 2

Even if I let you in front of me, it's not much of an improvement

 

FEMALE 1

It's better than nothing and I would be most appreciative. Things are really getting desperate!

 

FEMALE 2

I suppose I could...I mean, I've been where you have....

 

FEMALE 1

Oh thank you, thank you!

 

(FEMALE 1 moves in front of FEMALE 2)

 

(CONT'D. FEMALE 1) Almost there...just a few more to go...

 

(moving back and forth from foot-to-foot)

 

FEMALE 1

(to female in front of her)

'...such a long line up... and intermission is almost over... Really, really, have to go...you would do that for me? You're too kind...thank you...'

 

(FEMALE 1 moves up the line)

 

FEMALE 1

(to herself)

A person has'ta do what a person has'ta do...the flush of victory is at hand...

 

 



Still waiting for the word - what does it all mean, she who pens plays ponders petulantly..

As mentioned on numerous occasions in this blog, patience isn't one of my strong points. This usually doesn't work in my favor especially when it comes to waiting for updates/news regarding the fate of my plays. Many of them took cyber trips to numerous geographical locations around the globe in the hope that they would see a stage but so far, no response one way or the other.

According to the various playwriting related sites where this topic is discussed and digested, this is not a good sign but perhaps no definitive decision has been made as to their stage-a-bility. At least that's what I tell myself.

There is a pattern as to my follow up process, which includes avowing to myself that I will wait to receive "the word."

"Gotta give it time," I tell myself. "People don't respond because you want them to. Your plays are among hundreds, maybe thousands, that are submitted with dreams of production."

Patience today, patience tomorrow, inevitably, and when experiencing a particularly discouraging "why do I bother" or "maybe my plays suck" period, a follow-up e-mail is sent out. Usually, the end result is no response followed by a period of "why didn't I wait."

Upon reflection, perhaps a follow-up questionnaire to the submitted theatres would facilitate the process. Something to the effect:

Dear blah-blah (insert theatre name/producer/to whom it may concern),

Recently, (insert date that play was submitted), you were the lucky recipient of my play, blah-blah (insert name of play).

It has been (number of days/weeks/months/years/who remembers) since there has been any updates as to whether said play strikes your fancy. Perhaps the lack of communication on your part is a result of (pick one) a) stunning  and dazzling dialogue requiring further thought b) seeking a period of time in which to program the play to optimize audience participation c) don't recall reading the play you mention  d) unable to open file.

When could a decision on its fate one way or the other be expected: a) days b) months c)years d) never (please circle one)

Yours forever in hope,

A. Playwright

It's worth a shot. Am I right?

Playwright's ruminations - the fix is in

Sitting down in front of the computer, chin in hand and thinking about playwriting. Again. Note the word, "thinking" but not the actual act of taking fingers to keyboard and producing some worthwhile dialogue. Still further delayed the process by going over finished plays and assessing whether they need fixing or editing, something I'm prone to do in both my writing and painting. Frequently, the end result is ruining any progress on whatever project I'm "fixing."

I'm an inordinate "fixer" of all my artistic undertakings, which really don't require further adjusting. Recently, I applied what I swore were the absolute final strokes to a black and white painting first started three years ago, which has been "fixed" over the years. Perhaps this will be the reality and then again, who knows.

In as far as my plays are concerned, some have been altered to the point where all objectivity has been  lost as to the strongest version. Most often, the changes are relegated to small dialogue adjustments or altering what appears to me to be a weak a scene. In the end, a decision has to be made which version is the best version to submit, followed by a period of self-doubt and whether my plays are actually produce-able. Perhaps this is a common pattern with writers in general in that the selection of the right words is paramount to the whole story line. In as far as dialogue is concerned, the character has to utter words and phrases that suit her/his mannerisms, personality and mien and therein lies the challenge.

Although the actual act of submitting plays is a positive move, there is also the self-doubt that creeps in  waiting for updates on their fate. Negative thoughts like:

- perhaps the wrong version was sent - whatever that is
- maybe I don't have what it takes to be a "real" playwright
- given the volume of experienced and produced playwrights, many of whom are familiar names to   
  the public and within the theatre community, do my literary gems stand a chance?

And so the uncertainty continues but something drives me to persevere. The possibility, whatever the odds that  there  is a theatre "out there" somewhere that will see something special in my plays is enough to keep me going and press on. Meanwhile, some fine tuning of the dialogue and changes to the story arc is required to Dead Writes. Really.

P.S.: Just read that Larry David's new play, "Fish In the Dark" has broken another box office record during its third week of previews at the Cort Theatre  It should only happen to me but first one of my plays has to be produced!  Be that as it may... Mazel-tov, Larry...or Mr. David. Good to note that good comedy will always draw a crowd.  FISH IN THE DARK, which also stars Rita Wilson, Rosie Perez, Jayne Houdyshell, Ben Shenkman and Lewis J. Stadlen, heading a cast of 18, is running for an 18-week limited engagement through Sunday, June 7. Opening night is Thursday, March 5.
Wanna see it...wanna see it...

Good news update - progress at last!

People who drop by this blog regularly or from time-to-time are aware of my moaning, groaning and general kvetching about my play writing and all the hang-ups thereof. This includes unfinished plays that appear to have potential but end up stored in the to-be-examined-at-a-later-date file. Later could mean a month or years. Sometimes though,. things just seem to work.

I've been in a play submission mode of late and decided that my play, "Retribution" deserved to be seen and heard by the world. To this end and after submitting to the Sundog Theatre of Staten Island, I am pleased - nay - delighted to report that they have selected Retribution to be part of their Summer Reading Series to be held on Thursday, August 7, 7:30 p.m. at the St. George Theatre in Staten Island.  A one-act play, a drama, focuses on revenge  specifically (adapted from the synopsis) "after years of patiently waiting and planning for their paths to cross, a hairdresser has an opportunity to exact revenge for a horrific past crime that has gone unpunished." Drop by and see the drama play out in person if you live in the New York area since admission is free of charge.

Still more progress to report in other areas. Finally finished the first draft of "Neighbors" now called, "The Shrubs." It took me a year or more to complete but I'm very pleased with the end result. This is yet another play that started out as a short 10-minute writing exercise but over the years - yes years - evolved into a one act and then a full two-act play. There were a lot of twists and turns along the way and change of story lines but in the end, it wrote itself. All the good plays seem to write themselves. In any case, I'm going to put it away for a while before embarking upon the editing process.

"So tell us, Eleanor - what's on your agenda for your next project?"

I'm planning to take a serious read-through of "Dead Writes" and see where this story can go. It's a fun play with touches of the supernatural concerning an old, crusty newspaper reporter (Felicia) who lead a rough-and ready life that focused on getting a story at any cost. Having been relegated to a holding position where a decision will be made on her next step into either heaven or hell, she accepts the responsibility of training a newly hired, naïve reporter, but doesn't anticipate the moral issues and challenges that arise along the way. Only the newbie reporter is aware of the dead reporter's presence, which makes for some interesting and humorous proceedings. Her progress will be monitored by a heavenly spiritual adviser who is assigned to keep Felicia on the straight and narrow. Think this just may work...

More news will be forthcoming on the play reading and hopefully more positive news on other submissions.

Playright's update: yawn

Sometimes, too frequently, I bore myself.

"Why would you say (or write) a statement like that, Eleanor?"

On occasion when things are in a static state (like the sound of those two words together), I begin to question my playwriting ability. Thinking back, the impetus for taking up writing plays in the first place was my love for dialogue. It seemed only natural, at least for me, that playwriting, which consists of telling a story through the spoken word, was  a natural progression. However - it's always the 'howevers' in life that get you - there are times when one questions the quest (still more words when said repeatedly that have a pleasant sound) for recognition by theatres...producers...directors...or anybody, actually.

"So what has you bummed again, Eleanor?"

Nothing new or momentous (I wish!) to report. As shared in previous blogs, I've actually submitted some of my plays to theatres that seemed like a good fit, in addition to entering a competition. As is frequently the case, I'm in a waiting state of being. Waiting and patience is not one of my strong points. In the beginning, waiting for the word - any word - is bearable but as time goes on is when doubt starts to creep in. Like:

- maybe I should have edited it some more
- maybe the dialogue was all over the page and they couldn't read and gave up immediately
- maybe the subject was dumb
- maybe I used the wrong font
- maybe the covering letter rambled

Rant time. Can't understand or mabe don't want to understand why theatres or playwriting competition organizers/readers don't advise playwrights when plays are rejected. As a playwright, hope is frequently the only thing we have to cling to and waiting is tortuous. Okay - I exaggerate. It's definitely nerve-wracking. All it would take is for somebody to write up a few sentences to indicate a rejection. Something to the effect:

"Dear Blah-blah,

Sorry but your play doesn't cut it. We may not even have read it given the amount of submissions we receive. Or perhaps it didn't have enough potential to attract investors. Then again, it could have needed more editing. Go know.

Good luck Ms Mr. blah-blah or whoever,

The person who has been designated to send rejections to playwrights

Now, I mean, that seems simple enough to me. Anything is better than no word and waiting and hoping for some news. Right playwrights reading this?

In as far as other playwriting projects, still in the finishing stages and last few pages of "Neighbors", which in itself is a personal achievement but it's only the first draft. It will be put into storage for a period of time and then brought out again for changes or - heaven forbid - indefinite storage never to see the light of day. No new updates on my "Old Soldiers" submission or the play reading series in which "Retribution" will be introduced to actors - and the world - for the first time. As I've said many times, we live in hope. In the end, that's all we have.

A playette and short version of "Neighbors" - in honor of National Good Neighbors Day

Some calendars note that today being September 28th, has been put aside to celebrate National Good Neighbors Day. The origin of this  not-so-well-known holiday (I wasn't aware of its existence) dates back to the early 1970's, when one Mrs. Becky Mattson from Lakeside, Montana, recognized the importance of good neighbors, and started the effort to make this a National day. Assisted by congressman Mike Mansfield, she succeed in getting three presidents (Nixon, Ford, and Carter)  to issue proclamations, along with numerous governors. In 2003, the U.S. Senate passed a resolution, sponsored by Montana.

To mark this interesting holiday, I'm sharing the short/playette version of my play, "Neighbors" It's based on the real life feud between two neighbors that lived next door to each other down the street from where we lived, over the placement of shrubs on what both believed to be on their property. Never did find out the end result but their verbal updates inspired the play.

NEIGHBORS

By Eleanor Tylbor

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

John Taylor, 35,     Perfectionist and fussy next door neighbor of PORTMAN

Robbie Portman, 37,  Easy-going neighbor of TAYLOR

 

THE TIME

Mid-summer. Morning

THE PLACE

Back garden
 

 

TAYLOR digs in his vegetable patch clad in dress slacks, a short sleeved dress shirt and tie

PORTMAN wearing creased shorts and t-shirt, relaxes in a hammock, beer bottle in hand

SOUND: LAWNMOWER

TAYLOR

              Wipes sweat with handkerchief, leans on

              rake while talking to TAYLOR, pausing for

              a reaction after every statement

Too hot for digging, today. Must be a hundred degrees in the shade for sure. 'Course some people don’t care ‘bout how their lawn looks… Take you for example – somebody – anybody - please?

 

PORTMAN

Is that neighbor Taylor tryin’ to be a comedian? Neh! More likely a squirrel in heat

TAYLOR

Does the thought ever cross your mind to do something useful like - work, perhaps?

PORTMAN

               PORTMAN holds beer bottle up to the light

               and bends down to pick up another

My bottle is empty and I gotta bend down and get me another in this heat, but somebody's gotta do it. Might as well be me

TAYLOR

You have to be the laziest person in the whole neighborhood AND an alcoholic to boot. I won’t even talk about your lawn...

PORTMAN

…so don’t…

TAYLOR

…not to mention the dilapidated exterior of your house is the worst eyesore on the block

PORTMAN

Like it? It’s a new look I’m trying out. I call it lawnmower-free-expressive

TAYLOR

Condemned-modern more likely. When you gonna do something useful for a change?

PORTMAN

But I did. I reached down for a beer

TAYLOR

You are aware that your property is lowering the value of mine and everyone else. Some of us take pleasure in having a decent looking garden -

PORTMAN

- and some of us couldn’t give a damn. Looks just fine t’me

 TAYLOR

When you gonna join the real world and become a contributing member of society?
 

PORTMAN

(ignoring TAYLOR)

Always with questions and more questions. Hey – I get it! You’re practicin' for a quiz show. Right? ‘Potent potables for a thousand.’ Don’t mind if I do

               PORTMAN takes a sip of beer

‘Down the hatch and over the tongue – look out stomach  – down it comes!’ Here’s mud in both your eyes

 TAYLOR

Guess now's a good time as any. About those shrubs of yours…

 PORTMAN

Take a hike - preferably in the middle of the street in oncoming traffic

TAYLOR

I know I've warned you about them in the past but this time I really mean it. They could – like - mysteriously burn down one night. Know what I mean? Fires start so easily in dry hot weather

PORTMAN

They ain’t botherin’ me none but you do!

TAYLOR

They’re blocking the sunlight from shining on my side of the garden and my tomato crop needs sun to ripen them

PORTMAN

You're bugging me. Make like a bee and buzz off

TAYLOR

You must be blind not to see they’re a good two feet on my side of the fence. Here - lemme show you the city plan so you can see once and for all that I know what I’m talking about
 

PORTMAN

No need to! You probably paid off someone at City Hall to measure in your favor. Now where’d I put those ear plugs to block out the sound of your nagging…

TAYLOR

See, thing is, I got plans for those extra couple of feet you stole

PORTMAN

Gimme a break! Wait! I get it now! You wanna make a par-3 golf course and charge people t’get in. Get lost. I’m trying to read this book

TAYLOR

And what are we reading these days? The latest in the “See Spot Run” series? Listen you lazy son-of-a-bitch -

PORTMAN

Omyheavens! Such bad words! Your wifey is gonna hav'ta wash your mouth out with soap

TAYLOR

Cut them down by tomorrow, Portman, or I’m gonna take things into my own hands if you get my drift

PORTMAN

In your dreams, veggie boy! I got better things to do with my time than dig up ten foot shrubs

TAYLOR

While I have your attention span, which lasts about as long as a flea hunting for dog's fur, the branches of your rotten apple tree are hanging over on my side of the fence, again

PORTMAN

Don’t stop you from pickin’ up all them apples that happen t'land in your yard

TAYLOR

Why would I want them since they’re full of worm holes, like your brain. Obviously, threats don’t work so I guess I'll have to go hire me a lawyer and take you to court. We’ll let a judge decide who owns what

PORTMAN

Got a particular liar – um – lawyer in mind? Try Mitch Cassidy. I hear he specializes in lost causes

TAYLOR

That’s right, man. Make jokes and drink away your problems. Your brain is so fermented, you don't realize the ramifications of legal action
 

PORTMAN

I'm so scared! Can't you tell how scared I am? All that hot air comin’ from your side of the fence has given me a ragin’ thirst. To my health!

TAYLOR

If you’d simply have checked your house plans before you moved in, all of this antagonism between us could have been avoided and we wouldn't have to waste time being at each others throats

PORTMAN

The plan would’a told me what I already know is true. The bushes are on my side! Go stroke your cucumbers or somethin'

 TAYLOR

I need to cut my grass but I can’t because you never returned my lawnmower you borrowed a month ago!

PORTMAN

You could always use a cow. Wait a minute! You’re married to one!

TAYLOR

Shut your – your - filthy mouth! You’re treading on dangerous ground, now, so be very careful what you say next
 

PORTMAN

'Oh Mommy – save me!’ What a joke you are, man!

TAYLOR

Fine. If that's the way you want it. I’m finished with the threats. You can expect a registered letter in the mail from my lawyer

PORTMAN

You sendin’ me a love letter? Always had my doubts ‘bout you if you get my drift. Now I know why there’s so many of them there panty hose hangin’ on your line

TAYLOR

Why your wife hasn’t left you is beyond me but like they say, love is blind. How is the lovely Harriet anyway? Still working? Thank goodness, since someone has to pay the mortgage payments

PORTMAN

That new car o’yours fixed yet? Too bad your Julie ran it into the garage door. Got a problem with her reverse and drive but it’s understandable being married to you and all

TAYLOR

At least we have a car that runs unlike that bundle of rust that’s been rotting in the driveway for who-knows-how-long. Then again it matches the rest of your house

PORTMAN

Don’t bother me none

TAYLOR

I’m feeling ambitious today. Just might go rent me one of those big tree cutters and do the job myself

 

PORTMAN

Over my dead body you will!

TAYLOR

That can easily be arranged. Just stick your head through the shrubs while I’m cutting. That way you can save money on a hair cut

PORTMAN

Keep your slimy hands off’a my shrubs or…

TAYLOR

…or you’ll what? Stop me? You’re so out of shape you can’t lift one leg over the fence

PORTMAN           

               PORTMAN jumps up, runs to the fence and

               grabs TAYLOR’s shirt through the fence slats 

Wanna see what these hands can do? They can squeeze your throat ‘til you turn blue

TAYLOR

Let go my shirt! If you tear it…

PORTMAN

…you’ll go cry to Julie how the bad man next door ripped it?

               PORTMAN releases his hold

Forget it. You’re not worth the trouble

               PORTMAN returns to his hammock

TAYLOR

Go on! Go back to what you were doing…what you always do,

nothing. Zippo. Nada. Don’t be surprised if you hear a loud noise in the middle of the night and wake up to find a bunch of holes where your shrubs used to be!

PORTMAN

Blah-blah-blah - been there, heard it all before

TAYLOR

Don’t think I won’t do it – ‘cause I will! I mean it!

PORTMAN

Sure you mean it. You’ll do it like you’ve been doing since we’ve lived next door to each other. By the way and because I'm a nice guy and all - it’s gone nine o'clock already

TAYLOR

Shoot! You made me miss my morning train commute! Now I gotta wait another hour for the next one. Somehow, you always manage to bring out the worst in me

PORTMAN

And you know you love every minute of it. There’s a word for people like you
 

TAYLOR

And what would that be, he asked, afraid to hear the answer

PORTMAN

Pain-in-the-butt neighbor. Uh-oh - you’re gonna miss the next one if you don't move your butt

TAYLOR

Are you planning to watch the big game tonight?

PORTMAN

Wha'cha wanna know for? You ain’t gonna call the cops on me again

TAYLOR

Hey! I thought someone was robbing your house and I was just looking out for your best interests

PORTMAN

Bull-doo-doo! So how come when they asked you if I was the owner of the house, you told them no. I ended up spending half the night in jail. Thank goodness Harriet came t'bail me out

 

TAYLOR

Doesn't she always in more ways than one. Anyway, it was a case of mistaken identity. Pure and simple. I was thinking here that maybe –um - we could, like, watch the game together?

PORTMAN

Since when do you like sports?

TAYLOR

I’ll have you know I used to play on my company’s croquet team
 

PORTMAN

Croquet. Now that's a serious contact game. You’re serious. You wanna watch the game - together?

TAYLOR

I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t mean it. I’ll even bring over some beer

PORTMAN

You mean that yellow-colored pissy-crap you drink? Lemme bring over some real stuff. If we’re gonna watch together, you gotta drink my brand

TAYLOR

You know - we've been bickering like this for how many years, now? Twenty? Maybe more? Yet somehow, can’t figure out how, we've managed to stay talking to each other. That has to mean something. Something binds our friendship

PORTMAN

Maybe friendship would be pushin' it a bit but you're right. You talk – I gotta listen

TAYLOR

By the way you can tell Harriet the tomatoes are ripe. Left a bag on your front porch. Ask her if I supply the apples if she'll make another one of her delicious pies. Your wife is one great baker!

PORTMAN

Don't hav'ta tell me that. Gained ten pounds this year with all them apples you been supplying her with. You tryin' to gimme a heart attack?

TAYLOR

Oh and Portman - maybe during half time, we could – like – discuss the shrubs? I mean, it doesn't hurt to talk about them calmly. Right? After all – at the heart of all, there's a deep brotherly love for each other. So are we still on for tonight?

PORTMAN

Brotherly love and shrubs. Why do I even bother?

TAYLOR

Figured it was worth a shot. Anway,I’m out’ta here. Don’t stay out in the sun too long ‘cause it’ll fry whatever brain you have left. Some of us gotta work for a living...

PORTMAN

…and some of us like to watch our shrubs grow tall.


© 2013 Eleanor Tylbor