Barbie, Ken & the Rest in Plasticville: at the Olympics

THE CONTINUING STORY OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC SET

SCENE: Barbie, Ken and G.I. Joe have arrived at the Olympics. They arrive at a high-end hotel and are joined by the Bratz', who have been invited as celebrity guests

YASMIN

Like...yeah Barbie. Like...where's your invitation, like

CLOE

I think that she doesn't have one

BARBIE

Like...you shouldn't think too much, CLOE. It's no good for your brain

JADE

Don't be bitter, Barbie. It's like...not your fault you're not popular

BARBIE

Come again? I've got mansions all over the world. I've got a huge reputation!

CLOE, YASMIN, JADE, SASHA (together)

So we hear. Like...are you still - um - dating - that Australian dude?

G.I. JOE

Hey! She gave him up when she started going with me. Hey Bratz! Wanna see my weapon? It's really strong and big! I'll even let you touch it if youze want. It's right here...

CLOE

Like...you are sooo disgusting. We're outta here!

(the Bratz storm off)

G.I. JOE

Who cares! They're big sissies anyway. Talking about sissies, what happened to Ken?

BARBIE

Like...who knows...who cares. He's always embarrasses me with his wardrobe. Like...I'm a star! I have to be surrounded with people who wear designer names

(a loud shout is heard accompanied by "surf's up!")

(cont'd.) OhGawd! Like...it's Ken. 

(KEN is wearing swimming trunks and slides up to BARBIE on a surf board through the hotel lobby)

KEN

Hi pretty lady! Have we met? My name is Ken!

BARBIE

Like...it's me, Ken. Barbie...your one and only? Remember?

KEN

Your face looks familiar... Oh my and who is this handsome dude? Do you have a name, soldier?

G.I. JOE

Ten-shun! Get down on your stomach and give me fifty!

KEN

We hardly know each other but if that's your little game...

BARBIE

Ken...Ken...Ken...you definitely have swallowed too much water and it's affected your brain. 

(BARBIE's cell phone rings)

'Hello? Who? I can hardly hear you...Blaine? Is it really you? You sound so far away... You're where?

(BARBIE looks across the hotel lobby and spots BLAINE, who runs across the lobby to greet her. They embrace)

BLAINE

Like...I figured you would be 'ere... I never stopped thinkin' 'bout you, darlin

BARBIE

I missed you, too!

KEN

And I missed you too, Blaine!

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)
by Eleanor Tylbor

BARBIE
Stop, GI Joe! Don’t pull that whatever you do! You’ll blow us all to bits! Oh gawd! Look at these clothes! Like...I can't be photographed looking like this

G.I. JOE
They’ll know we’re here, alright! Anyway, you look pretty good to me. A little dusty but then aren't we all?

BARBIE

But...someone like you doesn't understand that I, Barbie, fashionista, can't be seen as dusty. I have a reputation!

G.I. JOE

Don't worry, babe. Nobody believes all that gossip crap they write about you in the tabloids. Almost...got...it...

BARBIE
Stop! Like…isn’t it bad enough that you already blew your foot off trying to be helpful? You don't get it – there will be pieces of us...like everywhere!

G.I. JOE
Yeah but we'll be out'ta here! Lissen – as long as I still got one good foot and two arms… Mmmm...look what I have here. A good, old cigar…

(suddenly there is a loud boom accompanied by smoke)

G.I. JOE
…make that one foot, two arms and one hand

KEN
He’s nutso! Your boyfriend is certifiable!

G.I. JOE
Thank you, sissy-boy! Nice of you to say. Uh-oh…my bullets have melted

BARBIE
He is NOT my boyfriend and those bullets aren't real, Joe! They're plastic - just like us!

KEN
Does that mean…I’m still your number one surfer dude? Do you like me more than you like that Ass-tralian surfer-boy?

G.I. JOE
...I gotta find me some new a-mu-ni-tion! Hey surfer sissy-boy! Got any spare bullets on you?

KEN
You-you’ve seen the light, right Barbie-kins, and want me back! Right?

BARBIE
How many times have I told you not to call me Barbie-kins? My name is Barbie! B-E-R-B... B-A-R-B-I-E. Sometimes, Ken, you’re so…

BLAIN
…dense? Stupid? Empty-headed?

G.I. JOE
Think I got me some spares around somewhere here…somewhere… If only I could…check my pockets… Hey Aussie dude from Astro-Austreee-Australia – you got any extra grenades around?

BLAIN
Oh yeah. I always carry around spare grenade on my body. Cheez you are such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
Thanks! I got it all up here (points to his head with his foot). Lissen…lend me a few and I’ll pay you back

KEN
Ssssssh! Is that the sound of waves? Surf’s up! And me without my surf board

BARBIE
They’re coming to save us. I just know it! ‘Hello out there! It’s us, the Barbies and Kens and Blaines and GI Joes… Help!’

VOICE
Okay… Move in the equipment… Yeah…we got orders to empty this here warehouse…

BARBIE
Ohmygawd! Like…they’re gonna clear us out!

KEN
Don’t we want that?

BARBIE
They don’t know we’re in here! We’ve got to find a way to let them know! There has to be a way

G.I. JOE
Leave it in my hands, babe… I mean, in my hand. By the time that I’ve finished, they’ll know alright! Your G.I. is the main man! I helped Rambo get the bad guys and…

BARBIE
Oh fer… Rambo is pretend, G.I.! He’s pretend!

BLAINE
Oh? And what are we?

BARBIE
The sound…it’s getting nearer! We’ve got to do something…fast!

(QUESTIONS DU JOUR: WILL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING TO HALT THEIR IMMINENT DESTRUCTION? WILL G.I. JOE TAKE CHARGE AND BLOW THEM ALL TO BITS? TO BE CONTINUED…)

BARBIE
We're saved! But like…how can we attract their attention?

G.I. JOE
(attempting to reach the string to a hand grenade)
…just another inch…and…we’ll…be out’ta here… This should do...the trick...babe
When we last joined Barbie, Ken, GI Joe and their vinyl/plastic “sisters and brothers” they were spending Christmas stored away in cardboard boxes located somewhere on planet Earth. At the point they thought and maybe even hopefully assumed they were being rescued, the sound of heavy equipment indicated something to the contrary was about to occur. We join them now as panic begins to set in.