Zoo Diary: the show must go on, somehow

ZOO DIARY

 

SCENE: A small zoo. Zebra, Christmas show director/producer/mentor to the lesser talented, is preparing the zoo denizens to put on their annual Christmas performance

AT RISE: Some of the performers are chatting amongst themselves while others work closely, in some cases too closely, going over lines

ZEBRA
(checking list)
...sleigh...bag of toys...jingle bells...  What's missing? Hello? Where are the reindeer?

REINDEER RANDY
(munching on moss)
I'm here, Zee (burps) There - better

ZEBRA
Did your mother not teach you it's uncouth to burp out loud, not to mention very impolite and boorish

REINDEER RANDY
Maybe she did if I knew what those words meant

ZEBRA
Why...why do I agree to do this every year?

(ZEBRA stares at himself in the mirror) 'You do it for the sake of the theatre, you talented, handsome beast...'

(cont'd.) Where, pray tell, are the others, he asks, afraid of what he'll be told

REINDEER RANDY
They're back in the barn, playing poker.

ZEBRA
(jumps back)
Say what? The show is about to begin and they're gambling?

REINDER RANDY
They're playing for some green

ZEBRA
Stop them immediately! The last thing we need is for the zoo to be raided!

(staring at himself in the mirror)' It just never ends, does it, gorgeous beast!'

REINDEER RANDY
Not to worry. There's only moss in the pot. Want me to go get them?

ZEBRA
Why must I suffer the humiliation of amatoor performers? Why?

REINDEER RANDY
Because nobody else will do it?

ZEBRA
(pacing)
Tell them to take their places in front of the sleigh, immediately. I'm a professional... I have a reputation to retain... they need me... without my presence there is no show. Go and bring them here posthaste - that means fast for your edification

(ZEBRA stares at himself in full-length mirror. Places a cloth on his forehead)

(cont'd.) I feel a mee-graine coming on...must control myself
(cont'd.)'My but those stripes are stunning! I would fall in love with you if I hadn't already!' 

(loud squawking can be heard)

(cont'd. ZEBRA) My head...the noise...Is there no peace for moi? (staring at himself in the mirror) 'What did I do to deserve to be put in charge of these...these maladroit soubrettes? Still, the show must go on. I am a professional. Hmmmm - my stripes do give my very well proportioned body a certain je ne said quoi...What are you doing after the show, handsome...

RAT
Excuse me Zeb...but there's a problem

ZEBRA
...those dark enquiring eyes...those long lashes... Rat! Why are here? You're in the opening scene

RAT
Figured you'd want to know -

ZEBRA
- we can't afford any more delays. My mee-grain is definitely getting worse so break it to me in gentle hints

RAT
Well...it has to do with Santa....

ZEBRA
- are my eyes bloodshot? There's nothing worse than a zebra with red eyes. People will think I've taken to drink, although I wouldn't blame myself. Is it the costume thing, again? I mean, really, the chicken is quite vain. She assured me she could handle the role. Nobody will even realize that the jacket won't close...just tell her to hold her mitts in front...

RAT
...and one of the actors

ZEBRA
I sent her to a quiet place to go over her lines with the acting coach, although why the necessity is beyond me. I mean, really, "Ho-ho-ho. I think I hear Santa" Nevertheless - where is she? Thespian chickens tend to be peckish. I'll have to give her a pep talk

RAT
Well that's just it...

ZEBRA
What's it? Stop speaking in riddles and go get her

RAT
Seems somebody offered to give her private coaching in his den

ZEBRA
That can't be a bad thing. Wait a minute - did you say 'den'? That Cheetah! I should have known better! Last year it was Mr. Squeeze who got up close and personal with the squirrel and now this. I need some of my special tonic to help assuage my nerves.

RAT
Perhaps that's not such a great idea, Zeb. Remember what happened last year

ZEBRA
They don't pay me enough greens to direct this Christmas show. Must calm down. Is it...

RAT
(holding up feathers)
...too late

ZEBRA
No! This can't be happening! There's no time for a replacement so I, myself, will be forced to don the red costume, even though it clashes with my stripes and does absolutely nothing for my skin. The show must go on. But first, a dose of tonic....maybe two doses...down the hatch. "Places everyone! Curtain up!"

NEXT:
IT'S SHOW TIME, IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

Decisions...decisions...and hope for a brighter future

Once again as has been the case on too many occasions, a rejection slip slipped in my email 'in' box. Somehow, in spite of nice, genteel words of apology by the theatre or whoever is in charge of the rejection notices, it doesn't get easier.

Really, given my former position as a freelance newspaper columnist/writer for many years, rejection slips aren't an unusual occurrence, but receiving playwriting-related rejections is a downer.

This time the recipient of the rebuff was one of my favorite short plays, "The Lemon." A short comedy, it focuses on the trials and tribulations of a woman attempting to contact a towing company in order to get her car removed, while trying to convince a public phone user to make the call.  In spite of the usual assurances that the theatre will keep the play for possible future use, it was a disheartening notice. Dejection, as any writer will attest, never gets easier.

Looking back, none of my plays have yet to be produced in spite of witty dialogue, interesting plots and good spelling and punctuation. Look - gotta look for positive points where I can find them! Had high hopes for "The Shrubs", which didn't materialize and my short plays came back home without a successful showing.

Today while skimming through potential submission opportunities, came across a notification that the deadline for the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition is coming up at the end of January 2016. In the past on two occasions, attempts to convert a play and a short story into radio format met with rejection. I'm toying with the idea - that's as far as it's progressed - of trying to convert "The Lemon" into a radio play. Given the fast approaching deadline, starting a new play isn't practical and it would be a personal challenge to see what can be accomplished in a month. Who knows...

Meanwhile, old soldier Joe McKenna and his vet pals are still meeting at the neighborhood bar, waiting for a new direction from the playwright. This play keeps calling me back in spite of self-declarations to let it die in peace. But it won't. There is something about the characters and the story line that is compelling and begging to be told.

"We ain't gettin' any younger," they all keep reminding me.

Neither are any of us, guys. Neither are any of us...

Zoo Diary: the zoo denizens get into the holiday spirit

ZOO DIARY

SCENE: A small zoo. Preparing for the holiday performance.

At rise: The residents of the zoo are practicing for the annual holiday performance. It's the last dress rehearsal before the actual production and chaos reigns supreme.

ZEBRA
Hello? Everyone? May I have your attention, please? There is far too much cacophony among the performers. I can't hear myself think! Not you my dear...you embody the true thespian soul

CROW 1
(laughing while watching from a tree)
Uh-oh...zebra says there's too much caca-phony around here. The elephants have been using the toilets, again

CROW 2
(laughing hysterically)
Oh Cyril - you're so witty!

ZEBRA
You mean, witless. Now where were we? Oh yes...we were discussing your acting abilities, my dear.

FEMALE ZEBRA
You think I have talent? My acting coach has offered to give me private lessons

ZEBRA
Would your coach anyone I would know? Perhaps we could work together to maximize your performance

FEMALE ZEBRA
That's a very kind offer but 'CH' swore me to secrecy. He doesn't want the whole world calling him and begging for private tutoring> He's a very private person

ZEBRA
Totally understandable, my dear. Know exactly where he's coming from. I too separate myself from the lesser...well...talent-challenged among us

(ZEBRA admires his frame from all angles, in a full-length mirror)

(cont'd. ZEBRA) 'Perfection!'  (whispering) You can share the name of your acting coach with me. There is a professional code of silence among zebra directors that is adhered to. You said his initials were CH? Hmmmm....not familiar with any coaches with those initials...

FEMALE ZEBRA
He calls himself cheetah

(ZEBRA reacts with horror)

ZEBRA
Cheetah...you did say cheetah? Does this cheetah...would this coach live, perchance, in a cage in this very zoo?

FEMALE ZEBRA
He would! How did you know? He said that his style of coaching requires getting down to the bare bones of acting

ZEBRA
(horrified)
My dear, naïve, zebra! Forget about - um - coach cheetah. I, myself, shall take you on as a client, gratis, and as a cost to myself (aside to himself) ...wait 'til I get my hands on cheetah...' What am I saying? Let's just say, my dear, that his reputation and taste for zebras is well developed. Why don't you go over there in the corner and study your lines

FEMALE ZEBRA
If you say so. "I think I hear Santa!....I think I hear Santa....I think I hear Santa...'

ZEBRA
Okay...actors - places please! Mr. Squeeze - please tear yourself away from rat? We don't want a repeat performance of last year's incident

MR. SQUEEZE
I was just trying to show him some love

RAT
(gasping for breath)
Surrre! Remember the squirrel incident? We lost our Santa Claus on account of you

MR. SQUEEZE
We're good friends! Right rat? Who ever heard of a squirrel playing Santa Claus, anyway?

ZEBRA
(admiring himself in the mirror and fixing his cravat)
'You handsome devil! Your stripes don't do you justice. 'kiss-kiss....' For the record and given our budget, which is half of last year's and next to nothing, he was the only one who could fit into the Santa suit. Who will play the old elf this year?

(a chicken jumps down from the branch of a tree)

CHICKEN
I would like to volunteer my services for the cause

MR. SQUEEZE
(slithering up close to chicken)
Great idea! And my contribution will be to offer my help We can go over your lines in my den

ZEBRA
Not! Thank you for your...offer but I'm sure chicken can remember "ho-ho-ho..." Now if you will put on the suit, we can start our rehearsal

CHICKEN
It's a little tight...jacket won't...fit...over my...breast bone...

CHEETAH
Perhaps I can fix that problem ...

MR. SQUEEZE
...my particular qualities can definitely fix that...

(both cheetah and MR. SQUEEZE inch closer to the chicken)

ZEBRA
Stop where you are, both of you! We will make do with what we have. Please put on the red hat and black shiny boots and get on the sled. The children are arriving

CHICKEN
(smoothing her feathers and pulling the jacket over his breast)
I'm very nervous.. This is my first acting job

CHEETAH
Don't worry my friend. I'll be watching close by...in case you forget your lines, of course

ZEBRA
Places people! Mr. Squeeze - you're not in the first scene

MR. SQUEEZE
Just helping chicken get over his nerves. Everyone needs a hug''

Open the curtains and let the play begin!

NEXT TIME: THE SHOW MUST GO ON - MAYBE