The neighbors are still fueding over shrubs

Once again, for the umpteenth time (how much exactly is umpteen, one wonders), just finished yet another update and re-write of "Neighbors" now known and re-titled, "The Shrubs."

It's been more than a year since putting the play to bed for a while in the hope of gaining some perspective as to its contents and viability. It's always been a favorite play because the characters get to say some entertaining and amusing lines. In the way of background information for people who aren't familiar with the story line, it focuses on the long standing dispute between two neighbors and the erroneous placement of a set of shrubs that divide their two properties. One wants them removed while the other is determined that they will stay, forever.

There weren't really many changes other than some inconsistences that were missed somehow, during the many re-writes. This was caught due to the breathing space between re-reads. In any case and because I like the play, here is the opening dialogue.

The two neighbors, Portman and Taylor, take great pleasure in defending their view points with verbal barbs.  Ignore the formatting since it was a cut-and-paste from Word.

THE TIME

The present, mid-summer

SETTING: Back garden(s) of two neighbors. A picket fence separates their properties

AT RISE:  Morning. Hot summer's day.

 

SOUND FX: Lawnmowers

ROBBIE (ROB) PORTMAN lazes in a hammock reading a book while holding a glass of liquid in the other hand. Dressed in cut-off jeans and a grungy t-shirt, his hair is long and unkempt and he sports a heavy beard

Dressed in a short-sleeved dress shirt and pants, JEFFRY TAYLOR, his next door neighbor, is the antithesis of PORTMAN, and a perfectionist. TAYLOR tends to his garden stopping periodically to study PORTMAN and finally makes his way over to their common fence.

 

TAYLOR

(wiping forehead)

Must be a hundred degrees in the shade today. I’d be indoors right now if my tomatoes didn’t need pampering. That’s the real secret of growing big veggies, y’know. Give em extra ‘TLC’… Hello? Hope I'm not disturbing you or anything

PORTMAN

           Takes gulp of liquid from glass

Must be them darn chipmunks makin’ a racket again' Gettin’ so’s a person can't read in peace anymore

TAYLOR

 How long have you been laying there?

PORTMAN

What time did the sun rise, today?

TAYLOR

Another liquid breakfast, I presume

PORTMAN

For your information, it’s plain orange juice

TAYLOR

And? You expect me to believe that? Oranges aren’t the only thing in your juice to give you – in your vernacular – a buzz

PORTMAN

Go suck a lemon. Wait – you don’t need to. You’re sour enough

TAYLOR

Touchy-touchy. You know what I’m getting at

PORTMAN

Okay – say it. You’re just dying to. Then go away

TAYLOR

It’s not like I haven’t said it a thousand times before

PORTMAN

How does what I do affect your life?

TAYLOR

Cheez Portman, it's only gone ten in the morning! You’re well on your way to turning into an alcoholic. Did I say turning into?

PORTMAN

Been there - heard it all before so don’t waste your breath. Go tend to your carrots or something. They need the Taylor touch

TAYLOR

Don’t ask me why but I care ‘bout you. Maybe something to do with the fact we've been neighbors going on twenty years and I don't wanna see you end up with cirrhosis of the liver - or worse

PORTMAN

Since when do you give a crap about whether I live or die?

TAYLOR

Better ,a neighbor you know than one you don’t. Don’t feel like breaking in someone new at this stage of my life

PORTMAN

Don’chu worry ‘bout me moving away. I intend to be here for a long, long time. It's too much fun bugging the shit out’ta you

TAYLOR

Do you see the incongruity in your chosen profession?

PORTMAN

Maybe I would if I could understand the question. Give me advance warning when you’re gonna give me another of your dumb lectures and I’ll make sure to have a dictionary handy

TAYLOR

Owning a bar must be the best thing that ever happened to you with your thirst

PORTMAN

It’s a living and I like the people who drop by. You know – regular people. Something you wouldn’t know anything about

TAYLOR

Denial – a sign of an alcoholic. Can’t you see the writing on the wall?

PORTMAN

You talking 'bout that "keep of the grass” sign you got posted all over your property? It's the joke of the neighborhood, y'know


Drains glass and checks watch

 

Gotta leave. Patty's opening today

TAYLOR

Another one of those Hooter waitresses?

PORTMAN

As if someone the likes of you would notice. You’re more into cucumbers, if you get my drift and for your information – not that I owe you anything - Patty is the right hand to my lef

TAYLOR

I bet she’s that and more

PORTMAN

And what would you know about sex? The closest you come is playing with your veggies

TAYLOR

t least it’s something productive

PORTMAN

Take a look at yourself and your life. Work your butt off for a multi-national all those years and what's it got you? A dinky house and a veggie garden. How do you stand the excitement?

TAYLOR

Save me from the melancholy alcoholic offering his view of life in a brief second of clarity. In all the years we've lived next door to each other, the only position I've seen you is lying on your back with your lips glued to the rim of a beer bottle. How long has it been, anyway, since you held down any type of job, if ever

 

PORTMAN

What's it your business?

TAYLOR

Figure you must be in your mid-forties or thereabouts

PORTMAN

Never found a position to suit my qualifications

TAYLOR

ust be near impossible to find a company that's looking for a hammock tester. How you've managed to survive on next to nothing is nothing short of a miracle, but then I would imagine your needs are few and far between. A bottle opener, a case of beer and you're all set

PORTMAN

Don't need big money to impress people like you do. I'm a simple guy with simple tastes

TAYLOR

And a big one for booze. How many bottles d'ya figure you drink of that poison a day? A dozen? More?

PORTMAN

Who counts?

TAYLOR

You sure as hell don't. Just bugs me to see you wasting your life away, doing nothing productive

PORTMAN

So don't look man! Turn your head the other way and mind your own business for a change and not mine! Listen! Your tomatoes are calling you

TAYLOR

All I can say is that I wouldn't waste mine lying on my back 

PORTMAN

Did somebody ask you to? It beats having to listen to you foam at the mouth about the evils of drink

TAYLOR

A person has'ta leave his mark on this world! He's gotta be able to tell future generations: ‘I-was-here!’

PORTMAN

My niece and nephew will know all about me, alright, ‘cause I’m leaving them something to remember me by.  When I pass on, this here house'l go to them, along with those beau-ti-ful shrubs. It’s all written out in my will

TAYLOR

By the time they inherit your house if you still own it, those shrubs'l be long gone, I can promise you that

PORTMAN

Might even build a de-luxe-y tree house for them this summer so's their grandkids can learn all about nature, up close and personal-like…

TAYLOR

Wouldn't count on that, if I were you

PORTMAN

…maybe hang some tire swings from the branches…

TAYLOR

ver my dead body!

PORTMAN

I can arrange that. Anyway, you don't have any say what I do with them shrubs

TAYLOR

Maybe not right now but don't count on them being here much longer

TAYLOR

How come the topic of conversation between us always ends up about your so-called shrubs growing on my property? Ten years of begging you to dig 'em up and they're still
standing, getting taller every year. The longer you leave them, the more it's gonna cost you to cut 'em down when the time comes

PORTMAN

There ain't ever gonna be a time and they ain't ever gonna be cut so I ain't worried none

Characters encounter problems phoning home. A taste of "The Lemon"

As Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say, "it's always something."

Sometimes you write a play and although it seems like it has good-bordering-on-great possibilities, it languishes in the maybe-some-day file. The play at issue, "The Lemon", focuses on the trials and tribulations of a woman attempting to get help to remove her car, a "lemon"  stalled in a busy intersection blocking traffic.

A 15-minute comedy play-ette as I like to call my short but sweet stories, it has been tinkered with over the years including modifications to strengthen the flow of dialogue. The saga involves the use of a public pay phone and therein lies the problem.

In order to make my plays relevant, frequent updates are done, however - as frequently mentioned in my blogs, it's always the 'howevers' that get you in the end - this is a situation requiring a reappraisal of its viability.

Public pay phones are becoming a rarity and according to Wikipedia, "since 2007, the number of payphones in the United States in operation has declined by 48%. In July 2009, AT&T officially stopped supporting the Public Payphone service. Over 139,000 locations were sold in 2009."

In this play-ette, the main character (Penny) is attempting to convince the user of the pay phone to allow her to arrange for her "lemon" to be towed to a garage since her cell phone is dead. Here's what I mean:

PENNY
I don't believe this! How many more things can go wrong, today?

SOUND: car horns. PENNY looks off into the distance and makes an obscene gesture with hand

(cont'd. PENNY)  'Blow it out your nose, idiots! You'll get more out of that!' So typically me. Get a new cell phone and forget to charge it.

(aside to female in phone booth)

PENNY (owner of car/lemon)

'Scuse me - are you gonna be much longer?

FEMALE PHONE USER (FPU)
Do you mind? I'm almost finished. Why don't you use your cell phone?

PENNY
Duhhh! Don't you think I would if I could? Humor me for thirty seconds and perhaps you'll understand my dilemma. Over there in the middle of the intersection - see that car?

FPU
You mean the orange-colored wreck? You actually own that? I'd keep it to myself if I was you.

PENNY
I bought the rusting chunk of junk a week ago, why I don't know but the price was right, and it died on me, today. There's a sucker born every minute and the dealer saw a big red "S" right here on my forehead. Desperation causes one to make questionable decisions

FPU
Okay. I looked at your car. Now can I finish my conversation? The more you interrupt, the longer it'll take

(FPU turns away - PENNY taps her on the back)

PENNY
Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not a violent person by nature - not at all - but you're pushing my buttons. Wait - I made a joke...get it? Public phone booth...push the buttons... In my personal angst, I still manage to find humor. I'm a survivor alright.
Gotta take things in my own hands...

(PENNY reaches over, disconnects and grabs the phone)

FPU
How dare you! You...you...crazy woman. Get away from me!

PENNY
How dare I? How dare I, you ask? How many times did I tell you that I had to make a desperate phone call but did you listen? Nooooooo! Your phone conversation took precedent over my needs, so I took things into my own hands in the true sense of the word. If you don't mind and even if you do, my call needs privacy so block your ears and turn away. Better still, go away

FPU
'Scuse me? After the way you interrupted my conversation. I think not

PENNY
(rummaging through handbag)
Fine...whatever. Let's see here...where's my phone directory...course there's one on my cell if it was working... The handbag is so big, everything gets lost inside. Aha! So this is where my salami sandwich went. Phew! Mind tossing that into the trash over there?

FPU
I think not. Go  throw it in, yourself. It's a mere few feet away

PENNY
Surrrre - uh-huh... You think I'm an idiot?

FPU
The thought did cross my mind in addition to you being insane.

PENNY
I take one step away from here and you jump in and take control over the phone, again. Not! I'll just put it back in my handbag and toss it when you're gone. Nothing like the smell of rotting salami on a hot day (PENNY moves/waves her hand over the handbag in FPU's direction)

FPU
That is truly disgusting. You're gonna contaminate the phone

PENNY
So then you better not use it. Let's see here - where's the number of my dealership. I should'a filed it under 'losers'. Here it is...


And so their repartee continues, the two attempting to gain and retain control over the phone. The issue is if the play is still relevant and/or if it can be updated and relevant for today's society. Still, when it's all done and written, I do like this short play...  As mentioned at the beginning, it's always something.

 

A change of direction for "Seeds" - Mr. Bird fades in

Been adding to "Seeds" although not as often as I like or should. Progress is dependent upon sudden brain storms or those rare but very welcome "eureka!" moments that give clarification to the story line.

Somehow, and after reading over what currently exists, there seems to be - at least in my mind - that the direction the play is taking is too predictable bordering on blech.
The subject, an accidental meeting of two people in a park, one of whom seems to have what could be best described as an unusual gravitation to pigeons, is interesting. However - as mentioned numerous times in this blog, it's always the 'howevers' in life that get you - it's too ordinary and needed a shake-up. So...

A new character has been added. Elwood P. Dowd had his rabbit, Harvey, and now Sylvia Perkins has joined his league with her friend of a feather, Mr. Bird, a pigeon.

Following yet another run in with Hal, a  park supervisor, who wants to maintain cleanliness and limit the appearance of pigeon poo in his territory, Julie feels a moral responsibility to help Sylvia. The two return to Julie's apartment and at the mention of the word "bath" and a failed attempt to remove Sylvia's weather-worn rain coat, Mr. Bird suddenly puts in an appearance, in a manner of speaking.  Maybe it'll work and maybe it won't - hav'ta see where this will take me, if anywhere. If not, it'll be yet another return to the drawing/re-writing board.

Yet another snippet of dialogue from "Seeds." Julie attempts to convince Sylvia to stay for supper and warm up. When 'speaking' with Mr. Bird, Sylvia turns her head to the side

JULIE

How about a plain, old American cheese sandwich and a coffee? Indulge me as your new friend. Look – it’s snowing out so why not wait until morning. This couch opens up into a bed and at least you'll have a full stomach and a night's sleep. It's better than a park bench

SYLVIA

You’re very kind but I can’t possibly stay. It’s getting late and my friends will be wondering where I am

(Turns her head to the side) ‘I know, Mr. Bird. I’m trying to explain our need to leave…’

JULIE

Really, Mr. Bird, one night in a warm bed won’t make a difference in the scheme of things. Wouldn’t that be better than hanging out in a park or building heating ducts? This is getting more weird by the minute… I’m definitely losing it. Next I'll be talking to squirrels. Correct me if I’m wrong here, Sylvia, but there’s only two people in this room, you and me, right?

          SYLVIA Recoils in horror and backs away

SYLVIA

How could you be so cruel? You’re just like all the other humans we meet. No feelings whatsoever for those less-fortunate who have to survive living on the generosity of others and on the cusp of society. You have hurt Mr. Bird’s feelings for the last time. We are leaving (turns her head to the side) ‘I’m ready to leave if you are, Mr. B’

JULIE

Please – wait. Perhaps I’ve acted too hastily. After all, we’re still at the getting to know you, stage, and I don’t want to threaten our budding friendship with misunderstandings. How about this: you and – um – Mr. Bird stay for a bite and I’ll give you a bag of peanuts to take back. Don’t believe I’m actually making a deal that involves a…

SYLVIA

(turning her head to the side)

‘What do you think? I mean, she is trying…then there's a bag of peanuts at the end… You’re in agreement, then?’ We have accepted your apology

 

          SYLVIA starts laughing

‘That is like…so funny. Where do you pick up those funny gems? 

JULIE

Am I missing something?

SYLVIA

(continuing to laugh hysterically)

It’s Mr. Bird – he has such a weird sense of humor and especially adroit telling jokes. He wants me to pass along one he heard in the park: you can never lose a homing pigeon. If he doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon

          (SYLVIA laughs uproariously)

 

You are such a joker, Mr. Bird!’ Mr. Bird wants to know what you think of his joke. It’s one of his best

JULIE

Humor is subjective, especially bird humor. Weird – don’t recall you introducing Mr. Bird when we first met

SYLVIA

He’s a free spirit. Comes and goes when the mood hits him. He’s really taken to you. Usually he only hangs around for a few minutes

ZOO DIARY - Thanksgiving - a fowl day for turkeys

In recognition of the up-coming U.S. Thanksgiving holiday.

ZOO DIARY – TURKEY’S DILEMMA

 

SCENE: CITY ZOO

Thanksgiving eve. The zoo denizens are upset with the zoo directorate having not been included in the Thanksgiving celebrations

RAT

Once again, we’re not included in Thanksgiving celebrations

ZEBRA

Did you really expect to? I mean, why should they? Who are we? Merely the tools in which they make money. That’s all - and how do they thank us? Closing the zoo for the day so we can’t even expect extra treats from visitors. This is so typically…human
 
SOUND: GOBBLE-GOBBLE… GOBBLE-GOBBLE….

RAT

What’s that noise?

ZEBRA

Noise? What noise? Are my stripes straight?

RAT

You don’t hear that?

ZEBRA

‘You are magnificent… Those teeth…those sparkling eyes…’

RAT

Maybe if you’d get your face away from that mirror and stop admiring yourself…

ZEBRA

A person has to make sure that he looks good from every angle. Being the sole representative of the zebra specie in this zoo comes with a responsibility. A daily body examination is necessary to ensure that all my black stripes are evenly spaced on my perfectly white skin. ‘Yesssss! Perfection personified!’

RAT

Far be it to burst your bubble, Zeeb…

ZEBRA

…I am not zeeb - or zebby - or zeeby-baby. I’m a zebra. Z-E-B-R-A!

RAT

Gotcha Zebby-boy – like I was sayin’ – the way that I see it, the stripe on your upper right leg doesn’t well…match the left

ZEBRA

What?! You must be mistaken. It’s not possible… How could this be? I just checked it not two minutes ago and it was perfectly aligned

(MANNY, the boa constrictor slithers in)

Hey – how ‘ya doin’?

RAT

Manny – you’re out. Free. Did you eat lunch, yet?

ZEBRA

Yes Manny – I do hope they’ve fed you some nourishment. I mean, it’s important to keep up your strength. We don’t want you slithering around hungry looking for anybody, heh-heh…

RAT

That’s the last thing we need - being that we’re your friends and all - that is to say, we don’t want you to experience hunger pangs…

MANNY

As I remember, I had a nibble a month ago but no in between snacks since then. Sure is quiet around here. No humans to knock on the glass of my enclosure. One day...one sweet day...someone is gonna hit hard enough to break the glass and they'll find out why my knick-name is Mr. Squeeze

NOISE: GOBBLE-GOBBLE  GOBBLE-GOBBLE…

RAT

There it is again. Sounds familiar-like

(a turkey suddenly drops down from a tree)

TURKEY

Save me!

ZEBRA

A tree chicken. How unique. 

TURKEY

I am a turkey who requires sanctuary

RAT

Listen chicken sweetheart…

TURKEY

…turkey…I am – um – an endangered specie. Yes – that’s it - and am declaring myself on the extinct list thus requiring sanctuary

ZEBRA

You must be someone important judging by your extensive vocabulary. All cultured and important species have an extensive vocabulary – and a beautiful body, of course (zebra looks at himself in the mirror) You handsome fool!

 TURKEY

I am very important. In fact, I can state with absolute knowledge that I am number one on everyone’s hit list, today

MANNY

(slithering closer)

Well I for one, believe you. You do look very appealing – in an endangered species way of course

RAT

Wish we could help, turkey, but we live out in the open with nowhere to hide

ZEBRA

I could send a protest letter to the Zoos of America if that could assist you in any way

TURKEY

I am doomed!

MANNY

(slithering almost directly in front of TURKEY)

Well turkey – really feel for you, in the true sense of the word. I just happen to live inside in a huge glass enclosure that has lots of hiding places.  Why don’t you come back to my place and check things out? I live alone and there’s nobody to bother or see us

TURKEY

That’s a very generous offer on your part –

MANNY

-   Manny –

TURKEY

- Manny. It's not often that a stranger reaches out to a fellow traveller on the highway of life

MANNY

Anything for a friend in need.

(the two start to make their way to MANNY’s place)

(cont’d.) Did anyone ever tell you that you have a beautiful, full body. I bet under all those feathers, you have nice firm flesh

TURKEY

The farmer took good care of me up until before Thanksgiving. You can see for yourself when we get back to your place

 MANNY

Oh I intend to

TURKEY

Can I give you a hug?

MANNY

Later…when we’re alone…they’ll be plenty of hugging to go around