So I'm thinking here...given the success or lack thereof, of any of my plays produced so far, some new strategy is required. To date and as I've shared in this blog, I've written two full i.e. two-act, plays, one-1 act play and approximately a dozen short-short plays and skits over the years. Given the reality of today's economy, the future of having them making their debut on stage looks somewhat doubtful, hence the change of direction.


I've decided to write short pieces of dialogue on a daily or at least a regular basis that may or may not end up as a play down the line. They may be snippets of conversations overhead in a mall, or perhaps conversations with friends or personal experiences that would normally fall into the rant'n'rave category in one of my other blogs. Or maybe the embryonic beginning of a play. Just...stuff.


As always comments are welcome be they good or bad and I will respond accordingly but spammers will be deleted. Playwriting is angsting enough without having to deal with spammers. so stay away and you have been warned!


Meanwhile - on with the show!

"DEAD WRITES" (Revised)

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE I



SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon

AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.


FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period

Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence

(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin

(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her

Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!


A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?

FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
I bet you are Wigs? Makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?

JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information

FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?

JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job

FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH

‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’

(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’

(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!


SOUND:
THUNDERCLAP

Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice


JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your users and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We are all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

Female wanders in, stopping every so often to check out the surroundings.
She stares at JOSIAH and smiles at FELICIA

FEMALE
Hi! Nice to see another body here and I mean that in the best sense of course.

FELICIA
It’s about time somebody noticed I’m here!

FEMALE
Know where you’re coming from. Just wish I knew how I ended up here

JOSIAH
But…you shouldn’t be here, my dear. I’m guessing that you’re a friend of Michael?

Man (MICHAEL) dressed entirely in blue with glittering pants rushes in and
places his arm around female’s shoulder

MICHAEL
So there you are! You shouldn’t wander off like that. Come along now…

JOSIAH
You must take better care of your charges, Michael! You’ve been warned about losing your souls. You’ve still got two missing souls unaccounted for wandering the earth. This is not good, Michael!


MICHAEL
I’ve got a search party out looking for them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with them? After all – they are…

JOSIAH
…better get along now

FEMALE
Nice meeting you. Why can’t I stay and chat with her….

MICHAEL leads female away

FELICIA
Another member of your group, I suppose? So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

She strains to see in the coffin again without results

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

FELICIA
Is it necessary for you to keep talking in riddles? You keep hinting at…like there's something I should know but don't. I'm getting these flashes…a feeling that our paths have crossed …somewhere. It's like… just out of reach of my consciousness

JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one so to speak

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the few people who showed up to say goodbye. Then again, real friends are hard to come by

JOSIAH
It's actually quite sad. That person believed she –

FELICIA
- so it's a woman -

JOSIAH
As I was saying she assumed she never needed people and in the end, seems that they weren't there for her when she needed them most

Mourner moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin

FELICIA
'Janice? Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but where were you?' Janice is my closest friend at the paper

JANICE

JANICE talks to "person" in the coffin

You miserable, lying bitch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish

FELICIA
‘Is that a way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living.’ No class but that’s part of who she is and I accept her ‘cause we’re best friends

JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat

She's probably pissed 'cause the corpse stole a lead away from her. 'Ya gotta move quickly if 'ya want a byline in our biz. You snooze – you lose. We better take a seat with the rest of them. Looks like everyone from the paper is here so who’s the corpse

FELICIA takes a seat next to JANICE.

ASIDE TO JANICE: You never did have any class, girl.

Turns to the man sitting on the other side of her

Hey Pete-ee! So, how's it goin' with you?

(PETE) ignores FELICIA, talks to the female on his other side

(Cont’d.) Hey - I'm speaking to you. What's with them all, today?

JOSIAH
He can't hear you

FELICIA
Oh please! He hears me all right but he's busy chatting up the new reporter, Chloe Starshine. That guy can't keep his zipper closed around the opposite sex, if you get my drift

JOSIAH
Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here?

FELICIA
To pay my respects to someone in the print 'biz. What else? You know…I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. This is a new one for me and it's about this outfit I'm wearing. I'm assuming I didn't have time to change 'cause I wouldn't be caught dead in this

JOSIAH
(bursts out laughing)
In your state clothes are the last things you should worry about…

FELICIA
I'm happy you find me so amusing. Ssh! I wanna hear the name of the corpse, I mean dearly departed

MINISTER steps behind podium

MINISTER
Friends…


Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any!'

MINISTER
…we are here to bid goodbye to one…

Another voice:

'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'

MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague…

FELICIA
At last I'm gonna find out who this mystery person is. Strikes me she sure wasn't liked, but even dead people deserve respect

FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone

'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Show some remorse!'

MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? A few words would suffice. Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?

FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap? What am I late for? A meeting…an interview… I’m sure I checked my agenda…

MINISTER
No one? Then we'll have a quick service for Ms Pembroke and you can all go back to work

FELICIA
Is this guy for real? Let me make this very clear: 'I'm among you, in the flesh! Look at me! I'm sitting right here.'

JOSIAH
I've been trying to tell you…

FELICIA
I know what's going on here. They've all staged this to teach me a lesson. 'Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!'

FELICIA stands up on chair, waves and screams

FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever

JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin

JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you

FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?

JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!

FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!

JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside

FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back

FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…

Aside to mourners

'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'

JOSIAH
It's you in there for real

FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even

JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing

FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only

FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now

JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…

FELICIA runs her hand over her body

FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing

JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job

FELICIA

She paces back and forth in a panic

This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?

JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat

FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?

JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped

FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere

JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear

FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…

JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke

FELICIA
Just…Josiah?

JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names

FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?

JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality

FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do

JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side

FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor

JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level

Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down

'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie

FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?

JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours

FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember

FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…

JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues

FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything

JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?

FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…

JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference

FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.

JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed

FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation

JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it

FELICIA
But you said…

JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less

FELICIA

Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand

I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave

JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…

JOSIAH
There is one person who remained

FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her

JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?

FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it

JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?

FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!

JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…

FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?

JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke

FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?

JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work

FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz

JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way

FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'

CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting

JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you

FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?

JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…

FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore

JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences

FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…

JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent

FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?

JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires

FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego

JOSIAH
Don't push things

FELICIA
Are we leaving?

JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…

FELICIA
How would I do that, now?

JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …

JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness

Still submitting and waiting for that first acceptance. I mean, I ain't gettin' any younger! Be that as it may...I'm back working on a play I started perhaps ten years ago with many edits and tinkering along the way. The more I read it - the more I realize that I really like it so I'm sharing the first ten or so pages with the world - or whoever happens to drop by. I should be so lucky!

Will provide updates as to its progress along the way. Meanwhile, enjoy. Feedback welcome.

THIS IS A REVISED VERSION UPDATED ON DECEMBER 5, 2009.

Please note that this is not in play format due to cut-and-paste process.


DEAD WRITES
By Eleanor Tylbor



SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon


AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.


FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period

Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence.

(Cont'd. FELICIA) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the coffin

(cont’d FELICIA) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her

Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!


A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA. He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?

FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me? Police?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
You should be Wigs - makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?

JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information

FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?

JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job

FELICIA
Do tell. You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you

SOUND: THUNDERCLAP

JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –

SOUND:THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SOUND: THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH

‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’

(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’

(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!
SOUND:THUNDERCLAP

Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice


JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your use-rs and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We're all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

FELICIA
So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b... - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean…I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

She strains to see in the coffin again

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

JURY RULES IN FAVOR OF MATTEL. BARBIE MIFFED - KEN INDIFFERENT

by Eleanor Tylbor

"Barbie and Bratz dolls are sisters, a jury has decided in a major victory to Mattel Inc., the world's largest toymaker, in its copyright infringement lawsuit against rival MGA Entertainment Inc.

The federal jury decided Thursday that the designer of MGA's Bratz characters conceived the idea for the dolls while working for Mattel — a ruling that could mean millions of dollars for the Barbie maker when the jury considers possible damages during a separate proceeding.

"http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_bi_ge/mattel_bratz


Word has it that Barbie and the Bratz' do not accept the reality that they are related.

"Like - how can...they be related to someone so...so...famous like me?" Barbie was quoted as commenting after the decision. "It's just not possible, that's all I have to say. Please make sure to photograph my best side."

For their part the Bratz girls aren't surprised with the verdict.

"We knew we were Mattel," Yasmine Bratz said. "I mean, we always felt - you know - Mattel-ish. We have our own site now and you can join us at http://www.bratz.com/ for fun and games and fashion advice."

"Fashion advice! What do...they know about fashion?" Barbie interjected. "No sense of color...or style...or...""Oh yeah? Well...girlfriend, at least we have joints that bend, which is more than can be said for you! I mean, who wants to spend their entire lives walking on tip-toe!"

"That is like...so mean!" Barbie said. "Isn't that a mean thing to say, Ken?" Barbie asked and then nudged her some times significant-other."Well isn't it?" Barbie asked once again.

"Surf's up!" Ken responded, throwing down his surfboard on the ground and attempting to surf ride the waves.

At that point the press conference was over and Barbie and the Bratz girls left arm-in-arms.

"Like...how can you go out with him?" Sasha Bratz asked, shaking her head incredulously watching Ken balancing on his surfboard.

"It's the price I must pay for being a famous personality and fashionista," Barbie sighed.

"Hey - this is a good wave!" Ken yelled, his arms flaying wildly on the floor.

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE

(the continuing saga of life among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor

Our story so far:

EXILED IN A WAREHOUSE DUE TO AN UNFORESEEN PRODUCT RECALL, THE PLASTICVILLE CREW WERE UNDER SEIGE BY A DEMOLITION COMPANY, SENT TO CLEAR OUT THE WAREHOUSE



BARBIE
(struggling to lift the lid of her box)
Somehow...we've...got...to...show...that...we're...here. Can't...move...this...top. If...only my...legs...would...bend...


G.I. JOE
Stop your moaning, soldier! You're part of the proudest fighting machine in the nation! Ten-shun!


BARBIE
Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Earth-to-G.I. Joe! Knock-knock! Anybody home?


G.I. JOE
Who's there? Anybody-home-who? Love 'em knock-knock jokes! Go on - tell me the punch line


BARBIE
No Joe - it's not a knock-knock joke. It's not funny one little bit! Like...we gotta find a way to tell those people we're here or else it's curtains for us


KEN
Surf's up! I hear it and the smell of salt water!


BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... What you hear is the sound of heavy equipment and the smell of gasoline. Get a grip!


G.I. JOE
Yeah - get a life soldier sissy-boy! (sniffing) I just love the smell of gasoline in the morning! Hey soldiers - I think I got me an idea. I'm not quite sure yet but I feel something happening in my head. Wait a minute... Yeah - it's definitely an idea. Sometimes it's just dandruff but this time it's an idea...


KEN
Oh Gawd! We're gonna die!


(ALL THE BARBIES', KENS' AND GI JOE'S' IN THE BOXES, ECHO KEN'S WORDS)

BARBIES, KENS, GI JOES (TOGETHER): 'We're gonna diiiiie!'


G.I. JOE
(softly)
Ssssssh - quiet - everyone! The enemy is near! They think we can't hear them but I can. I've been trained to hear enemy talk. These aren't your run-of-the-mill, every-day, plastic ears, y'know! Keep your mouths shut and for gawd's sake - youze all, stop your snivelling! I can hear them... They're saying: 'Blow this place sky high!' I gotcha, you bastards! You ain't gonna get away with it! G.I. Joe is gonna blow us all to kingdom come! I got me one last grenade and...


BARBIE
No! Please! Listen to me, Joe! Babe! Soldier boy!


KEN
We're all gonna diiiiiie! I'm too young to die. I still got a lot of surfing to do!

KEN:(sung to: "Lot of Livin' to Do")
There are waves, just right for some surfing,
And I'm gonna get me a few,
Lots of curls waitin' in Hawaii,
Oh I got a lot of surfin' to doooooo!


BARBIE
Oh Ken - I love it when you sing! I almost forgot what a good voice you have


KEN
I know. Remember when I tried out for American Idol but they wouldn't let me sing to my surf board? Damn Simon! Damn Brits! What do they know about surfing? Oh babe! If only I could touch you! Remember how we used to watch the waves from your beach house, holding hands? The tips of our plastic fingers touching each other. It was magic! Waves came in...and then went out... Came in...and went out...


BARBIE
I get the picture. That seems like centuries ago! Oh why, oh why, must we deserve this fate?


G.I. JOE
Hey! As long as I got my one leg and arm - I'm gonna save us all! And don't forget I still got my teeth


KEN
...we don't have teeth, G.I....


G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. I knew that. Well...anyway. All I haf'ta do is pull this here string with my one good toe... And... Just a minute now...I'm almost there


BARBIE
No! Stop! You'll blow us all to bits!


G.I. JOE
Almost there...I got the end... just pull...


(SUDDENLY, THERE IS A HUGE BANG AND EXPLOSION. ALL THE BOXES AND THE LIDS FLY UP IN THE AIR)


KEN
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Surf's up!


BARBIE
(in mid-air)
My-my wardrobe! It's ruined! My life as a fashion icon is over! I am no longer the fashionista that everyone looks up to... The Bratts win in the end


G.I. JOE
Told you I'd get us outta here, babe! Look - there's my jeep down there! We're as good as free, babe!


(AS THEY SLOWLY FALL TO THE GROUND, ONE CAN ONLY SPECULATE AS TO WHERE THEY WILL END UP NEXT. WILL THEY BE FREE AGAIN OR ARE THEY FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE?)

STRANGERS
(a silent play with no words spoken whatsoever)
By Eleanor Tylbor


GUY1 walks across the stage and is approached by GUY2.


GUY1 waves at GUY2 but GUY2 doesn't wave back.


GUY1 waves at GUY2 again, smiling.


GUY2 ignores him and turns his head sideways.


GUY1 rushes over to him and taps him on the shoulder, forcing GUY2 to acknowledge his presence


GUY2 turns to face him, pushes him backwards and attempts to rush away


GUY1 blocks his departure with an extended arm and moves his face close to GUY2's face, and points to his face


GUY2 backs up and attempts to flee


GUY1 chases after him but GUY2 moves too quickly.


GUY 1 drops his head and shakes it slowly and his shoulders droop indicating dejection


A FEMALE APPROACHES.


GUY1 lifts his head and focuses his attention on her. He scans her body with his eyes, taking in her figure. He smoothes his hair, fixes his shirt collar and adjusts his pants. She is reading while walking and he makes a point of bumping into her.


FEMALE, startled, drops book and takes step backward.


GUY1 smiles and bends over to pick up book. He glances at title and points at her - then at himself.


FEMALE grabs book out of his hand and attempts to move on, obviously leery of GUY1.

GUY1 extends his arm and touches her shoulder. She whirls around and hits him squarely across his face. He reels backwards and places his hand on his face, shaking his head in bewilderment and shrugs his shoulders


FEMALE removes her purse that is hanging on her shoulder and hits him on his shoulders - then focuses her attention on the book and moves on


GUY1 drops down on to the floor, drops his head and it's obvious by his heaving shoulders that he is sobbing. He shakes his head in frustration while pounding the floor with his fists.

He suddenly jumps up after spotting a CLOWN, who is puffing away on a cigarette. GUY1 jumps up and down in excitement, runs towards clown in an attempt to communicate with him

(END OF SCENE 1)

SUBMISSION OPPORTUNITY: AN ONGOING DIALOGUE WITH SELF
BY Eleanor Tylbor


PLAYWRIGHT
Oh look! The Blankety-Blank Theatre is asking playwrights for plays. Hmmmm...interesting... Wonder if they're accepting plays from outside the U.S. Probably not...

INNER VOICE
There you go again! Negative. Always negative! Maybe they are!

PLAYWRIGHT
Yeah... Could be. Neh. I mean, this is a well-known and substantial theatre. They have enough playwrights domestically

INNER VOICE
So? What does that have to do with anything?

PLAYWRIGHT
Nothing but somehow I have a feeling they don't

INNER VOICE
You and your dumb feelings! How many opportunities did you let slide by based on your "feelings"?

PLAYWRIGHT
Let me read the guidelines, here... Hmmm and mmm - course I'm right. All the people and judges involved are from the U.S. Why would they waste time reading a play from an un-American? I suppose it would be a similar situation if it were reversed. You know - a Canadian theatre holding a playwriting competition? 'Course I wouldn't know having never won...anything, anywhere, anyway at any time. Oh to see my work actually up on a stage!

INNER VOICE
It doesn't say anything one way or the other. Why don't you query them and find out at least?

PLAYWRIGHT
Yeah... I could... I suppose... Maybe... I guess it would be a good idea. Let's see if they have an e-mail address... Hmm... Says here they have a lot of people reading all the entries. Well - that just about screws me. Wonder if they specialize in drama...or comedy...

INNER VOICE
So query and find out!

PLAYWRIGHT
Know what? It really scares me that lots of people will be reading my play. People who don't even know me or anything about the history of my play! How can they judge the merit of my intellect?

INNER VOICE
Nobody in Canada knows anything about it - or you either, doofus!

PLAYWRIGHT
True... It's just the idea of strangers reading my play and passing judgment on it. 'Oh look', they probably say to each other. 'This is laughable! She calls herself a playwright?' I bet they do that! Have a good laugh at our expense!

INNER VOICE
You're creating barriers again!

PLAYWRIGHT
Perhaps...Let me read some more about this theatre. Just as I thought! I could end up having a reading and not a production!

INNER VOICE
So what's wrong with that?

PLAYWRIGHT
What do I have to gain from a mere reading? I want a production! No - I need a production! I could just as easy get a group together and have a reading of my play. I don't have to spend who knows how much on postage and wonder whether anybody even read it.

INNER VOICE
So do it! Stop complaining for heaven's sake and do something. Your play will never see the light of day by sitting at a computer reading theatre submission guidelines.

PLAYWRIGHT
I'm sick and tired of submitting and daring to hope that maybe - just maybe - the play will be produced! All the while waiting and waiting for news. Checking the mail and the Internet for some response and all the while doubt creeping in and over-taking hope. What else do playwrights have to live for but hope?

INNER VOICE
You're telling me this? Me who shares your anxieties?

PLAYWRIGHT
What happens though if I can't find anyone who wants to read?

INNER VOICE
What happens if you do find people who want to read? If you don't take the first step, you'll never know. Go for it!

PLAYWRIGHT
Oh look here... this looks like just the theatre I've been looking for. I got a good feeling about this one.