A taste of "ACORN FARM"

A small sampling from a play written as a joint project, which started out as an add-to-the-story writing exercise with bits and pieces added over time. Like most of my plays, it's a comedy but with dramatic overtones.  Listed only the three main characters in this snippet.

 

By Eleanor Tylbor

and

Jeff Slater

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

BESS MALONE, 50’s, Widow

LEANN WALKER, 17, spoiled niece of Bess

WAYNE SMITH, 60’s, physically-disabled old grouch and owner of dilapidated cabin in the woods

 

THE TIME

The present. Autumn

AT RISE
Bess's arms are filled with kitchen equipment while Leann holds a cell phone extended in the air, in an attempt to get a signal.



 

BESS

(stopping to glance at LEANN)

Don’t offer to help or anything. Of course it’s totally understandable. Strain your arms and you won’t be able to iron your hair or whatever you do with it

LEANN

My cell phone’s not working and I forgot to bring a charger. D’ya have one I can borrow?

BESS

Of course! Doesn’t everyone carry a spare phone charger.  Just a minute – I’ll check my purse…

 

LEANN

Good ‘cause I promised Jeremy I’d call him as soon as we arrived. How much longer ‘til we get to where we’re supposed to be? I’m getting hungry

BESS

Forget about touching base with your Jeremy. You’re far, far away from civilization and there’s not a hope that your cell phone will work here, anyway

LEANN

I’m sure they’ll be some kind of phone connection at the place we’re staying. Can’t wait to take a hot shower and get out of these grungy clothes. Hey – maybe there’ll be a Jacuzzi, or even an indoor pool

 

                        BESS drops the pots and pans at the front door of the cabin

BESS

In these parts? ‘Ya gotta be kidding! Where do you think we’ll be staying? At a five-star hotel?

LEANN

Wha’cha do that for? I mean, let’s get back in the car and get there already
 

BESS

We’re – here – or there

LEANN

(looking around, panic-stricken)

Tell me this isn’t the place. It’s a joke, right? To teach me a lesson? Of course it is. Nobody in their right mind would stay... here. C’mon – it’s getting dark already and I could fall and break a heel on my new shoes

BESS

Be it ever so humble, kiddo!

LEANN

You-you can’t expect someone like…me to stay…in a place like... that. I’ll catch a fatal disease or something

BESS

You wanna knock on the front door or should I?

LEANN

There’s has’ta be a hotel around here. I’ll even stay in a bed-and-breakfast. Maybe if we go back on the main road…

BESS

I didn’t see any buildings for miles around driving up here Look at it this way: it’ll build character and heaven knows you need some of that.

                        BESS searches the door frame for a doorbell and then knocks

(cont'd) Hello?

                        Moves back and examines the house from all angles

(cont'd) A palace it ain’t

LEANN

Nobody’s home. Let’s turn around and call whoever from a hotel

                        LEANN turns around and starts walking

BESS

We’re not going anywhere, unless you feel like hiking through the woods alone in the dark with all those bears and mountain lions out there, not to mention snakes

LEANN

You're just saying that to scare me, aren't you? Y'know...I could borrow your car and go get help.

BESS

Over my dead body you will! I promised your parents that you’re spending the summer with me and that’s exactly what you’re going to do

LEANN

They’re punishing me for dating Jeremy! Think they can keep us apart but they’re wrong. One phone call from me and he’ll rush up here and take me away from all of…this. You’ll see

BESS

Face it, sweetie – there isn’t a cabin or means of communicating with lover boy for miles and miles. From what your parents told me, he drives an old motorcycle and that sure won’t make it up here

LEANN

(starting to cry)

Why are you doing this to me? I’m not the type that can survive without my cell and friends and…

BESS

Believe me, by the time this is over, you’ll thank me for the experience

                        BESS knocks on the door again

(Cont.d) Why doesn’t he answer? Wha’cha gonna live on, anyway? Love? Baby girl – love don’t pay the rent or buy groceries or pay your cell phone bill. I understand that Jeremy doesn’t have a pot to piss in

LEANN

He has job prospects. Last week he had an interview with a company to demonstrate toys in a shopping mall

BESS

(banging on the door)

Real career move that is. Maybe you can join him and the two of you can spend your lives window shopping. Where the heck is Wayne? Hel-lo? How old are you now, anyway?

LEANN

Seventeen next month and we won’t have to worry ‘bout money ‘cause I’ll be bringing in money too

BESS

You? Work? Wha’cha gonna do? Be a nail polish tester? Look – I haven’t got the patience to fight with you. I’m too tired and getting more frustrated by the minute. ‘Hello! Wayne!’

LEANN

Let’s go back, then.  Maybe…maybe the person who lives here went away. I mean, what human being could stay in a dump like this?

BESS

I understand he’s in a wheelchair so he’s gotta be inside. Not the friendly type either, his son told me so we’ll just have to figure another way to get in Maybe…

                        Lifts a mat in front of the door and picks up key

Why would anyone hide the key to get in here? I can imagine what it’s like on the inside

                        Opens door

As bad in the inside as it is on the outside…worse

LEANN

Eeee-uuuu! Tell me we’re not sleeping here

BESS

Well sweetness and light, unless there’s a tent tucked away in that designer suitcase of yours, this is home for a while

LEANN

Like…you gotta be joking! There’s no way. I’m calling my parents to come pick me up

BESS

First of all, your parents are on a cruise ship. Second, before they left, your mom and dad insisted that I take you with me to experience real life, so I doubt they’d even spring for bus fare, let alone come rescue you. Might as well give up on getting in touch with the outside world for a while

LEANN

Where I live, they would condemn a place like this. Gross!

BESS

Where you live, maxing your credit card is considered a hardship

LEANN

I figured this was a shelter for people who get lost in a storm or something

BESS

Surprise! A real live person lives here. Go grab that box with the kitchen stuff

LEANN

Darn! I broke a nail and I just had a French manicure yesterday. D’ya have an emery board? I can’t do anything unless I file down this nail. The last thing I need is jagged edges

BESS

Oh no! We wouldn’t want that! Hold on a minute while I look through my suitcases here. Shoot! Must’a left it back on my manicure table A nail file no less… Now move it, girl!

                        She looks around the room. Dirty dishes cover the surface of the table;

                        clothes litter the floor and a torn curtain hangs from a broken rod and
                        blackened pots and pans sit on top of the stove

Filth! Absolute filth

                                                                                                SFX: person coughing
 

WAYNE
(V/O)
 

Whoever you are, don’t even twitch or blink an eye. I got a shotgun pointed directly at your heart so’s you might as well start sayin’ your prayers now

BESS

(piling dishes one on top of the other, responding to WAYNE)

And you must be Wayne? Geez – when was the last time you washed these? There’s over an inch of mold growing all over them

WAYNE

                        At entrance of room in front of open door in a wheelchair with oxygen tank

                        Attached

I’m warning ‘ya – I’m a crack shot

BESS

Of course you are and I’m Martha Stewart, here to remodel your home. Not a good idea to use a gun ‘specially since you’re dragging oxygen around with you

                        WAYNE slowly wheels himself into the room, one hand on wheelchair

                        control lever and the other holds the shotgun supported under his armpit

WAYNE

You think I don’t know how to use this don’cha, woman? Lemme tell you something lady, this here baby (taps rifle) has seen lots of action over the years. Bagged me plenty of deer in my day and a couple of bears. If you don’t believe me, look up at the wall over there

                        Glances up at wall displaying mounted bear and dear heads – looks away

BESS

Disgusting! Shooting defenceless creatures that can’t fight back

WAYNE

It was either them or me. I was defending myself

BESS

I bet. That deer looks really vicious. Threatened to nibble your hand, right? If I’m gonna stay here, it’ll all hav’ta go, along with a lot of other crap you’ve accumulated

WAYNE

Over my dead body!

BESS

The way you look pal that could be sooner than you think. Go back to the other room and let me do my thing

WAYNE

Just who the hell are you, lady, paradin’ yourself in here like you own my place? You answer my ad for a wife? If ‘ya did, you ain't what I had in mind. Lift your skirt and lemme see your legs…

BESS

Not. Whad’ya think I am? A horse? No – don’t answer that. I don’t know much about guns and don’t take this the wrong way, but one twitch of your trigger finger and your foot is history. God knows you have enough problems without adding missing toes to the list

WAYNE

You’re here to rob me, ain’cha? Heard ‘bout your type. Come on to me all sweet like and then you’ll knock me out and steal everything I own after having your way with me…

BESS

…which adds up to a fat zero. For your information, your son hired me as a housekeeper, so we’d better learn to co-exist with each other. Believe me, if I didn’t need some extra cash… In fact, I’m gonna get in touch with him and ask for more money, especially since it means living here with the likes of you

 

WAYNE
(coughing and choking)

Sure. My money-grabbing kid gets word through the grapevine that I’m an helpless old man in a wheelchair and he sees dollar signs floatin’ in front of his eyes! Damn kids – bring ‘em up to be God-fearin’ Americans and then they try to knock you off... Where are my cigarettes...

BESS

You think that your children want to inherit…this? You’re a joke, Wayne! There is no way you're going smoke in my presence so you can forget about your cancer sticks. What else? You can barely talk from coughing, not to mention carrying around an oxygen tank

WAYNE

We'll see about that. Go back and tell my sonny boy, I don’t need nobody’s help and that includes yours. Tell him…I ain’t ready to kick the bucket, yet! Get out’ta here. GET OUT – and take your helper with you. I don't need no old battle-axe tellin' me how t'live my life. And don't come back. Hear?



 

 

First scene of A WEDDING

Sharing the first scene of the first play I wrote, "A WEDDING" a.k.a. "MAKE ME A WEDDING." A comedy, the story focuses on the trials and tribulations of a young couple who want a small, intimate wedding, versus the bride and groom's mothers, who want an all-out, no holds barred (expensive) affair.

In this opening scene, the bride announces her engagement to her parents.

A WEDDING

 

ACT 1

Scene I

 

SETTING: Greenberg family living room. Plastic slip-covers cover,
         kitschy French-provincial furniture, circa 1970’s. On
         either side of the couch are two end tables with drop
         “crystal” lamps on each table

 

AT RISE:  A tense MORTY GREENBERG paces, stopping                 

          periodically to glance out of a window. SADIE     
          his wife, sits in an armchair, absorbed in her knitting.  
          She glances up from time-to-time to watch MORTY

 

TIME:     Late evening

                                     SFX: television blaring
 

 MORTY

What time is it now?

SADIE

Five minutes later than the last time you asked me. Stop

pacing already or you'll wear a hole in the carpet. It's thin enough as it is
 

MORTY

(staring out of window)

What could they be doing in the middle of the night?

SADIE

Counting toothpicks in a restaurant. What's it your business? She needs your permission to stay out late?

MORTY

What'll the neighbors think?

SADIE

Oh pul-l-eeze! Get a life. They'll talk no matter what she does or doesn't do and what they don't know, they make up. Sit down and watch TV 

MORTY

I can't focus knowing that my daughter is out there – somewhere - doing who-knows-what. Maybe we should go search for her or better yet, call the police

SADIE

Not! If we brought her up right, she's okay. You stay up and wait for her if you want but I'm going to bed

MORTY

Don't you wanna be here when she comes in?

                                                                                                        

SADIE

(standing)

Why? She doesn't know the way to her room? Come to bed, Morty!

MORTY

Some mother you are. What happens if… if they were in an accident or something? Maybe they're injured and can't call us

SADIE

Rachel has a cell phone

MORTY

Maybe the cell phone got crushed along with the car…

SADIE

…and maybe you should get a life?

MORTY

I'm staying up and waiting for her like a good father, unlike other people who are more interested in their beauty rest. Like it'll help anyway… I can’t take it anymore! I’m calling the police

SADIE

Enough already! Really Morty, she’s 22 years old. Sit here if you want to but I gotta get some sleep

MORTY

Sure, go to bed and leave me all alone to wait for your daughter

SADIE

How come she’s “your daughter” when she does things that you don't like? Besides, I'm sure David is taking good care of her

MORTY

That's what worries me!

SADIE

Move away from that window or the neighbors will think you're a voyeur! Did I mention Becky's daughter got engaged last night? Don't think she didn't rub it in about the big diamond that her Joanie got. Two carats she tells me! Like the size of a diamond would interest me!

MORTY

(flipping TV clicker)

Of course not! Things like that aren't important to a person with your class. You materialistic? Never!
 

SADIE

It's what's inside a person’s heart that counts, not the size of a bank account. That's what I told Becky. Honestly, that woman is so money-oriented! I don't know how we stayed best friends all these years

MORTY

Are you telling me that you’d hold it against a potential husband for your daughter, if he was cash-friendly?

SADIE

Let me put it this way: if and I say if, the boy happens to come from a wealthy family, I wouldn’t hold it against him. I'm not prejudiced that way. Listen, I get dark circles under my eyes if I don’t get enough sleep

           SADIE exits

MORTY

(calling after her)

“And you need all the help you can get!” Dark circles aren't her only problem. The woman needs a complete head transplant. Where's that daughter of mine? 

                                           SFX: key in lock

           MORTY rushes to chair and feigns sleep

RACHEL

(V/O)

'Don't forget to call me the minute you get home! Mom will be thrilled when I tell her our news. Wave to Mrs. Belinsky across the road, the nosy busybody. I love you, David!'

           RACHEL enters

Hi popsy. Wha'cha doin' up so late? Are you waiting up for me again?

MORTY

Wha…hmmm..? Must'a fallen asleep in front of the TV. What time is it?

RACHEL

What am I going to do with you, pops?  Where's mom?

MORTY

Your mother was tired so she went upstairs. She was knitting me another one of her scarves to join the other sixteen stored away in the closet. When will she realize that I only have one neck? Where were you so late?

RACHEL

I was under the impression I can come home whenever I feel like it – at least that’s what you tell me

MORTY

What'll the neighbors think, a nice girl like you coming in at the crack of dawn?

RACHEL

Would you prefer that I move out altogether and you won’t have to worry about what everyone will say? Let them mind their own business for a change

MORTY

It's a lot to ask to call home and say you're alive?

RACHEL

Can we move on? I have something important to tell you both. Better still, go wake up mom. She'll wanna hear this

MORTY

Something is wrong! I knew it! I told your mother that she should wait up but did she listen? Noooo! Her beauty rest is more important

RACHEL

Why do you always think the worst? It just so happens that this is fantastic news and mom will be thrilled when she hears what I have to say

           Dances around room, waving her left hand

D'ya notice anything new – like - on my left hand?

MORTY

You changed the color of your nail polish?

RACHEL

Look close…realLY close

MORTY

Whoa! That’s new since breakfast?

RACHEL

You do know what this means…

MORTY

A miracle! At last there's gonna be another male in the family and I'll have a chance at winning an argument, for a change!

RACHEL

I didn't expect that kind of reaction but I'll take it as a sign you approve?

MORTY

What's not to approve? The groom to be is David?

RACHEL

Who else? You know we've been seeing each other seriously and there's never been anyone else in my life, nor will there ever be. He's the most wonderful, sensitive, romantic…

MORTY

And those are just his so-so qualities. Only joking, honey. He's a good guy and normal, unlike some of those other weirdos you brought home to us. I still break out in a sweat thinking about - what was his name now - Clifford? What kind’a person tattoos the name of his girlfriend on his forehead and God knows where else?

RACHEL

That was just a high school crush, pop and besides, I

kind’a thought it was romantic at the time

MORTY

Sure you would 'cause you're not a parent - yet. Let’s see now - who came next? What did he call himself - Pukey? Porky? And then there was…

RACHEL

I get your point, popsy

MORTY

Remember your first rock concert? I couldn't hear for three days and never told your mother. Let me tell you - it was bliss!

RACHEL

So? I'm still waiting for congratulations and a kiss

MORTY

(hugging RACHEL)

My little girl -  a bride! That means I’m old. I’ve never been old before

RACHEL

How 'bout go get mom so I can share the good news with her, too?

MORTY

You want me to go wake up sleeping beauty? If I disturb her beauty rest, she'll open up a mouth to me but if I don't… Be right back

MORTY EXIT
 

SADIE

(V/O)

‘Whad'ya doing? Lemme alone Morty. I'm tired! It's not Saturday night…go watch another program or something. What about Rachel? Are you talking about our daughter,…. Get me my duster in the cupboard! The other one! That's for the rummage sale. Do you ever look at what I wear?’

           SADIE rushes on stage followed by MORTY

Rachel, is this another of your father's senior moments?

RACHEL

(extends hand)

So? Look for yourself!

SADIE

It's about time! Looks like a decent sized diamond. Must be -  what - a carat at least? Bigger maybe?

RACHEL

David surprised me with it tonight. We don't want a long engagement so you won't have to plan a big party

MORTY

You're both so young. What's the big rush?

SADIE

They've been going out for five years! D'ya want she should be an old maid like your sister Miranda? I'm so excited! Becky's Joanie got engaged yesterday so she only beat you by one day!

RACHEL

This isn't a contest as far as I'm concerned. We want to get married in three months

SADIE

(ignoring RACHEL)

A summer wedding would be perfect, don'cha think? Maybe we could have it under a tent, in the back garden, just like those fancy society weddings. Mind you, indoors might be better in case of rain, but we have plenty of time to talk about the details

RACHEL

Did you hear what I said? We wanna get married in –like -three months

SADIE

Come again? I gotta get my ears checked 'cause I thought I heard you say three months

RACHEL

Your ears are fine, ma, and even if - and I say if - we wanted a garden wedding, pops has his old cars stored on the lawn, along with a thousand spare parts covering every square inch

MORTY

Listen, you want a reception in the back yard, I'll move everything into the garage…

RACHEL

It has to be at that time because David's been invited to be a keynote speaker at a big lawyer's convention in Europe, so we'll make it a working honeymoon. It's the only time we're both free

MORTY

…maybe call a few scrap dealers today to see what they'll give me. At least we'll have a couple of extra dollars towards the wedding expenses…

SADIE

Typical! Your father is worrying about the money, already! You expect we should get everything together in such a short time? It takes a year at least to reserve a place and even then, we have to talk to a caterer, get a band…

MORTY

…then again maybe I should keep them all. 'Ya never know when my car is gonna die on me. It's going on nine years already

RACHEL

There’s something else I haven't told you. We want a small wedding with just close friends and family, so there shouldn't be any  problems with paying for it or the arrangements
 

SADIE

           Grabs chest, feigns shock and grabs MORTY for

          support

 Do I hear right? You would deprive your parents of making you a big fancy wedding? I think I'm gonna faint. Catch me Morty!

RACHEL

We'd rather put everything towards important things like buying a house. You should be happy with all the money you’re gonna save

SADIE

Happy? What'll I tell my friends? They'll think we're too cheap or can't afford to marry off our only daughter right! You can't do this to me, Rachel!

RACHEL

Sorry? It's our wedding and we want to keep it small. The idea of inviting a lot of people we don't know is not for us! I'm really tired and not prepared to hash this out with you now. We'll continue tomorrow when I'm fresh and can think clearly. At least I'll have a fighting chance

RACHEL starts to leave

SADIE

Stay right where you are! I wanna hear all about how David proposed. This is what a mother waits for!

RACHEL

I promise to tell you everything only let me get a couple of hours of sleep. Please?

MORTY

Let her go to bed, Sadie. The kind of wedding you want will put us back a few dollars. I like the idea that the kids are thinking small. Small is good

 SADIE

You would, Mr. Cheap-skate! I'm sure David's family would want a decent-sized affair, too. Open up your pockets father-of-the-bride and let the moths fly out! Small wedding - over my dead body

MORTY

That can be arranged

SADIE

(taunting)

"Cheap-cheap-cheap…"

RACHEL

I've heard enough for one night. Enjoy yourselves, you two!

RACHEL exits

SADIE

You don't get it, do you? A big wedding means nice gifts. Have a small wedding and you end up with a bunch of fruit bowls and vases

MORTY

As far as I know, the only green growing on our trees are leaves. I have to worry about the cost if you don't

SADIE

What's money when you're marrying off your only child? Dear, dear, husband of mine, you should keep your nose out of things that aren't your business. Planning a wedding is a woman's affair. The husband only writes the checks

MORTY

You recently inherited a fortune that I don't know about?

SADIE

When it comes to my daughter, money is no object

MORTY

Good, then you pay for the whole thing out of your Bingo winnings since you're so rich. We could sell the condo in Florida and that'll bring in a couple of bucks. Nowhere to stay in the winter but hey – our daughter will have the bigggg wedding you've always dreamed about. Of course we could always share a rental with my mother…

SADIE

Hell-will-freeze-over before I stay with… her. Anyway, once I finish talking with your daughter, she'll realize that she really wants a big…bigger wedding.

MORTY

Can I leave, now? I'm really tired and got lots to think about

SADIE

How can you think of sleep when we have plans to make?

MORTY

(illustrating)

It's real easy. First I go upstairs, put on my pajamas, then I get into bed and close my eyes. Better still, how 'bout you stay here and think and let me go first? At least it'll give me a fighting chance to get in a couple of hours sleep before the snoring opera begins

           Starts to get up; SADIE pushes him down

SADIE

How many times do I hav'ta tell you I don't snore! I breathe heavy. We have to talk - right now - so sit on it!

MORTY

How long is this gonna take? More than five minutes and I'll need toothpicks to keep my eyelids open

SADIE

You'll have plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead

MORTY

Right now, that sounds very good. It's the only time I'll get any peace! Alright. Get it over with only don't speak too loudly. My ears are sensitive at this time of night
 

SADIE

I thought you wanted that our daughter should have a nice wedding

MORTY

Nice has to be big and expensive?

SADIE

Of course! Whad'ya think? You get nothing with nothing. David comes from a good family. You want they should think we're poor nobodys?

MORTY

As far as I know, we don't have any money hidden away in a off shore bank and I'm not blowing all our savings on a wedding, just to impress your friends

SADIE

What about our social standing in the community? I would like that our daughter should have a wedding she'll remember for the rest of her life
 

MORTY

What social standing? Come down to earth Sadie and join us real people!

SADIE

How am I supposed to get this all together in three months anyway?

MORTY

Wait and talk it over with David's parents since they'll want to be in on everything. Give it a rest, already and let's go to bed!

SADIE

Do I have a choice? I'll be up to join you soon. Go. I'll even give you a head start. That's how generous I feel tonight

           MORTY exits. SADIE waits for him to disappear,

           picks up a photograph of RACHEL, holds it at

           chest level and bursts into tears

‘My little Rachel. How I waited for this day but now I feel an ache and emptiness in my heart’   

           Stops crying abruptly, grabs paper and pen

Mind you, planning the wedding will help take my mind off things. Small wedding, my foot! Wonder how much a wedding coordinator would charge? I'll have to speak with Becky tomorrow since she knows everybody

           SADIE turns off lamp        

                                         LIGHTS dim

Morty! I hope you're asleep and not snoring 'cause I'm coming up

           SADIE EXITS