THE PLASTICVILLE GANG IS PREPARING FOR THEIR CLOSEUPS!

Just finished a visit in Plasticville where Barbie, Ken and the always problematic, G.I. Joe, are back in business. The gang has gone through a lot including embarrassing social faux-pas', romantic situations, gun shots and related injuries, being relegated to boxes in a warehouse, but they have decided to forget the past and start anew.

Given the situation in which G.I. Joe refuses to reliniquish his weapon of choice, which includes taking it to bed while sharing sleeping quarters with Barbie, trouble is on the horizon. Then there's always Ken whose visit to the hearing specialist on Barbie's advice, has not proved helpful since he still hears people calling out: "surf's up!" The Australian visitor, Blain, has still not regained full consciousness and add the Bratz attempts to undermine Barbie's popularity, and you've gone some potential problems.

Never a dull momemnt in Plasticville and we'll all be there to share it.

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC PEOPLE

"THE BREAKUP"

SCENE: KEN has shown up at Barbie's beach house where BARBIE, G.I. JOE and her friends are...partying. BARBIE has convinced G.I. JOE to stay back and keep watch over the house and the party while she i.e. BARBIE, take a walk on the beach with KEN.


KEN
Wow! This is nice. Just like the old days, babe! Me...you...

BARBIE
Um...Ken... I think we should talk

KEN
...the water and our surfboards. Remember, Barbie, before HE came along?

BARBIE
I think our problems go back much further than that

KEN
...we bought matching surfboards... Remember that? Then I got a tattoo to tell the world who I love.; It's still there, Barbie - read it - and remember

BARBIE
(moving her head side-ways to read it on KEN's arm)
"I Love Bra-B"? 

KEN
So the tattoo guy was dyslexic and a little hard of hearing. His heart was in the right place, though! Surf's up! I hear it!

BARBIE
Focus Ken! Try and focus!

KEN
But those were such great times! You hav'ta admit they were great times... Okay. I'm focused now

BARBIE
Listen - true we were...

KEN
Hear? Is that a bigggg wave coming in? I think it is! Why don't we go get our surfboard and...

BARBIE
Forget about the wave, 'kay? Now look into my eyes, Ken. Like...we hav'ta talk!

(BARBIE holds KEN's head between her extended plastic hands but KEN attempts to move his plastic head towards the ocean)

(cont'd BARBIE) Ken! Pay attention! Things have changed. I've changed and evolved! Like...now I have a whole new line of clothing and...I'm a big celeb

KEN
Me too! I can hang out with your gang! I use'ta be a star! Remember?

BARBIE
Like...see...that's the problem, Ken. You used to be a somebody but now you're just like...normal. Average. Blah and blech. Get it?

KEN
Um...yes... No - not really

BARBIE
Okay. Like...listen. See - I'm this really big well-known celebrity with this fantastic designer wardrobe and you - well - you're merely a guy who's in love with a surf board. Period. It just won't work!

KEN
What if I...give up surfing?

(KEN pivots as if he's on a surf board while talking to BARBIE)

BARBIE
Like...it can't be, Ken. Look at the way you dress. You've been wearing those same surfing trunks ever since we met. It's like - disgusting!

KEN
Hey - I hit the waves every day so they're always clean!

BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... My poor Ken. Hit one too many times on the head with your surf board. You just don't get it, do you?

KEN
Huh? Get what? You want I should go back and get our surfboards, 'cause if that's what you want, I'll go get us twin surf boards...

BARBIE
I give up! Let's go back

KEN
Are you sure you don't wanna ride the waves? You use'ta like that

BARBIE
No Ken - I do-not-want-to-ride-the-waves with you

KEN
Are you riding the waves with somebody else 'cause if you are... I mean to say, if you is... Is there someone else? Is it G.I. Joe?

BARBIE
G.I. is just a friend, Ken, although he doesn't want to believe it.

(As they walk back, the sound of loud bangs resembling gun shots breaks the stillness of the night)

KEN
Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that

BARBIE
Like...ohmygawd! I just hope it isn't...I pray that it isn't...

KEN
Yeah. Me too. Nothing spoils a night of surfing like a thunder storm. The last time I surfed during a storm, my board got hit with a bolt of lightning. I was unconscious for a good two minutes.

BARBIE
That would explain a lot. Uh-oh...is that G.I. Joe out there on the lawn?

(As they near BARBIE's beach house, BARBIE and KEN spot GI JOE shooting away wildly at...something)

(BARBIE cont'd) G.I. Joe! What are you doing?

G.I. JOE

It's okay, babe! Spotted an intruder and I took care of the problem. He'll never bother you again

(BARBIE, walking on tippy-toes with KEN lagging behind, rushes over and after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get down on her knees, she bends over at the waist to see who the intruder is)

BARBIE
(gasping)
Like...omygawd! You've shot...

G.I. JOE
Yeah. No need to thank me, babe! I'm a trained sharp-shooter!

BARBIE
You...you...idiot!

G.I. JOE
Aw babe! You always say the nicest things!

BARBIE
You shot Blain, the Australian surfer dude.

G.I. JOE
He's the enemy, babe! A guy has'ta do what a guy has'ta do!

BARBIE
Ken - call the beach rescue

KEN
Uh-oh! Surf's up! Gotta go!

(KEN rushes off, leaving BARBIE and G.I. JOE alone)

G.I. JOE
No need t'thank me, babe

(BARBIE opens her Barbie carry-all purse and produces her cell phone)

BARBIE
'Hello - send an ambulance right away to Barbie's Fun'n'Famous Beach House right away!'

Question du jour: Will Barbie be able to save Blain (Australian dude and former love of her life) or is it too late? To be continued)..



BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

The continuing and sometimes funny, sad but always interesting story about life and love among the plastic people)

The story so far: Barbie, famous fashionista and media doll celebrity and cyber star of the continuing cyber soap opera, BARBIE KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE, has now been relegated to a warehouse, somewhere, along with her friends, KEN, G.I. JOE, BLAIN, the BRATZ, due to a product recall. In stark contrast to their former lives of wearing expensive high end clothes and doing the club scene, they are now in the dark in the true sense of the word, stashed away in boxes.

As we pick up the story, they are in the midst of planning a rebellion to draw attention to their plight and get free in time for the Christmas rush.


BARBIE
Okay. Can we get started? Is everyone here?

G.I. JOE
Oh I’m here babe! Big time! All I gotta do is flip the trigger on this here weapon of mass destruction and then… Boom! We’re outta here big time!

BARBIE
Joe, Joe, Joe… Get this through that thick plastic blob sitting between your shoulders…

G.I. JOE
…I love when you talk dirty like that babe…

BARBIE…whatever. Like...has it hit you yet you are lying down flat on your back in a cardboard box, unable to move?

G.I. JOE
Has what hit me? Nothing hit me! At least I didn’t feel nothing… Uh-oh - it's the enemy planning to strike and I gotta act like…fast and protect youze all! All I hav'ta do is pick up my weapon here... Arm - move! It's gonna move now... I...think...I...feel...something cold...in...my...hand...

BARBIE
(sighing)
Like...just forget about your weapon. 'Kay? Focus Joe - focus!

G.I. JOE
I'm...not sure of...what...this is... I don't remember...them...making weapons with long tails. Then again...a soldier has'ta be prepared for everything and I'm the best, y'know

BARBIE
You’re a legend in your own mind. Ken? Are you around, here, somewhere?

KEN
I-I’m scared, Barbie! It’s so…dark here. And...and I'm soooo cold... Why am I so cold, Barbie?

BARBIE
'Cause it's winter and you're wearing your surfing outfit! You don't have to be scared. I'll protect you

G.I. JOE
Hey! That’s a soldier’s job!

BARBIE
Listen G.I. – like…let me lay it on you the way things are. You are stuck in a cardboard box along with the rest of us

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier is never stuck! A soldier always has options!

KEN
(sobbing)
Mommy! I want my mommy!

G.I. JOE
Oh shut your trap, sissy boy! Act like a man and not a cry-baby for pete's sake! ‘I-want-my-mommy…’ This man’s army would make a man out’ta you. Ten-shun!

BARBIE
Like…how did this happen? Me, a former fashionista whose biggest problem was what outfit to wear and which club opening to be at? Look at what I’m reduced to? Can we get on with this meeting? Blain? Are you around somewhere?

BLAIN
Here! Trying…to…lift…this…top… Forgetaboutit. When I was in Australia…

G.I. JOE
There he goes again, talkin’ about that there strange soundin’ place ‘Stra-li-a! ‘Stralia this and Stralia that.’ We don’t care about your weird sounding place with a foreign name! Got that? Or maybe you need a little convincin’ with some lead…

BARBIE
Don’t listen to him, Blain. Like…his elevator don’t go to the top floor if you get my drift. Can we start now? Like…Christmas is almost here and like…we gotta be on the shelves in toy stores or we’ll never be here…forever! We hav'ta make our move, now

(sound of sobbing coming from KEN’s box)

G.I. JOE
There he goes again. ‘Wa-wa-wa!’ Be a real doll for once in your life, soldier! Ten-shun!

BARBIE
Know what’s really sad?

G.I. JOE
I’ll tell you what’s sad, babe! I could run out’ta bullets!

BARBIE
Like…I’ve been wearing the same outfit for like…months! I mean, a fashionista like me deserves better! And…and…nobody will wanna buy me because my beautiful blond hair will be flat and…and…

BLAIN
It’s okay. In my eyes, Barbie – you’ll always be the most beautiful sheila around

G.I. JOE
What’s that? Who’s Sheila? Did he make a pass at you, babe? ‘Cause if he did…

BARBIE
Oh Blain! If only…if only…we weren’t stored away in boxes and…and…we could like…reach out and touch each other…

BLAIN
We have to make a big push to get out. What if your friend, Joe, there, could shoot himself out of his box and then he could do the same for us…

BARBIE
Like…I dunno. The last time he fired his weapon, he shot his right foot off

G.I. JOE
Hey! You promised that would be our secret. Did I cry, huh? Did I? No I didn’t because I’m a real soldier! Not like sissy-boy over there… Anyway, I still got one good foot

BLAIN
Listen – we don’t have much choice, here. Um…G.I. – we need your services as a soldier!

BARBIE
Like…I dunno. I’m getting a bad feeling about this


QUESTION DU JOUR: WILL G.I. JOE BE ABLE TO FREE THEM FROM THEIR CARDBOARD PRISONS? MORE TO THE POINT, WILL THEY SURVIVE? STATE TUNED FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF “BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE”

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE

BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?

BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you

G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?

BARBIE
Um… Let me think…

(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)

BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!

BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!

BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!

BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon

G.I. JOE
What does he mean?

BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!

G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is

BARBIE
(nervous)

Well… You know, G.I. sometimes – um – two people – um – who have been seeing each other – um – for too long… I mean, who know each other a long time, need to – um…um… Need a rest from each other. Know what I’m trying to say?

G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No

BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course

G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!

BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?

G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!

BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart

G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished

BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind

G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?

BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…

G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!

BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!

G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…

BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!

G.I. JOE
I don’t get it

BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!

G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…

BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other

G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?

BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!

G.I. JOE
You mean…

BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine

G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?

(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)

G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!

(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)

BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!

G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!

BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!

G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…

BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…

BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again

G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?

(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)

BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off

BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time

G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.

BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…

G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…

BARBIE
…been there, heard that

(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)

KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near

BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now

(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

June 18, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: After G.I. JOE's attempt to throw BLAIN, BARBIE's ex-but-hopefully-to-be-once-again-boyfriend, over his shoulder to transport him to the hospital, they have finally reached Mercyful Hospital with G.I. JOE riding shotgun on a tank.

BARBIEPlease - like...can somebody lend a hand here?

G.I. JOE
(jumping down off his tank)
Here - lemme show you how a soldier does it

BARBIENo! I mean - you've done enough to...I mean, for us already

G.I. JOEAnything for you, babe!

BARBIE

Hello? We need a doctor - like...now!

G.I. JOEHey! Did I ever tell you that I got my first-aid badge. We don't need no doctors...

BARBIENo...thank you, G.I. Why don't we get another opinion from a real doctor?

G.I. JOEOkay but I saved my pooch, Bullet, when he got hit by a ve-hi-cle last year

BARBIEBut...you hit him, G.I.!

G.I. JOEHey - it was an accident, okay? It ain't my fault the dog fell off during manoeuvers!

BARBIEBut did you have to run over him three times?

G.I. JOEHow was I supposed t'know he wasn't an enemy pooch?

BARBIE
Why do I bother... Hello? Somebody? Anybody?

G.I. JOEHere - lemme get somebody. It takes a soldier t'get things done around here...

(G.I. JOE runs inside the hospital and exits with a doctor slung over his shoulder, screaming)

DOCTORHelp! Help! This man is a lunatic!

G.I. JOE
Aw - thank you doc! Ain't that nice of him t'say, Barbie?

BARBIEPut-him-down, G.I.! Please? For me, your Barbie?

(G.I. JOE lowers the physician to the ground)

(BARBIE cont'd.) You'll have to forgive my friend G.I. Joe. He's a little over-protective

DOCTORForgive him? Forgive him? I'm calling the cops! The man's a real danger to society. I'm gonna have him locked up...

(physician produces cell phone and starts to dial)

G.I. JOEUh-oh... We have an enemy agent here calling his bad guy friends...

(G.I. JOE whips out a sling shot from his back pocket and aims it at physician and hits him on
the cheek)

DOCTORWhat the... That hurt! This man is really dangerous!

G.I. JOE
And don't you forget it! I know your type... Pretend to be a friendly doc but inside you're really the enemy trying to take over the world. I bet you don't even work here, do you? Let everyone think you can fix boo-boos but all you really want is in-for-ma-tion.

(G.I. JOE walks over to the physician who responds by running back into the hospital)

(G.I. JOE cont'd) Ha! I showed him! Coward! He won't be botherin' you again, babe!

BARBIEOh gawd, G.I. What have you done?

G.I. JOENo need t'thank me!

BARBIEWe need a doctor, now! Blain here needs help

(BLAIN starts to stir)

BLAINMummy - is that you? I got a boo-boo that hurts bad, mommy.

(The sound of police sirens can be heard causing G.I. JOE to retreat back into his tank)

G.I. JOE
C'mon Barbie - the enemy has found us but your G.I. JOE will keep you safe from harm

BARBIEThat's the problem, G.I.

G.I. JOEWhat is?

BARBIE
Your trying to keep me safe. Perhaps we should part ways...

G.I. JOE
Whad'ya mean?

BARBIE
You know - um - separate?

G.I. JOE
I don't get it

BARBIEThat's the problem. Let me put it this way: I think we should break up

Questions du jour: How will G.I. Joe take to a possible breakup with his Barbie? Will surfer dude Blain get the help he needs? How will G.I. Joe deal with the arrival of the police?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Having revived BLAIN, the Australian surfer dude and love of BARBIE’s life, G.I. JOE has asked BARBIE about the geographical location of Australia

BARBIE
What are you trying to tell me, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Hey! Is that the place where them there giant jumping mice live? ‘Cause if it is – I can get some of my men together and we can go hunt them down and…

BARBIE
Like…pleeze, G.I.! Is that all you care about? Killing and maiming? You are so violent!

G.I. JOE
Thank you. I know. Gawd I love it when you use those big words. You’re so smart, babe!

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s plastic head but it continually slips out of her inflexible hands and she ends up dropping his head on the ground)

BARBIE
Like…I’m soooo sorry. Blain? Are you okay, baby?

BLAIN
(mumbling)
Wha’? Hear? Surf’s up! Where’s my board…get my board please, mummy

BARBIE
Oh Blain…honey! It’s me, your Barbie doll!

BLAIN
Mummy? I have a boo-boo on my head. It hurts baaaaad

G.I. JOE
I dunno, babe! Sounds suspish..sustik… Could be an enemy. Better frisk him…

BLAIN
(dazed)
Daddy? Is that you?

G.I. JOE
Hey! I ain’t your dad! I’m a soldier and don’t you forget it. Ten-shun!

BLAIN
I see pretty stars floating in front of my eyes. Do you see them too? Let’s catch one

G.I. JOE
Stars? Oh…you mean the stars on this here u-ni-form I’m wearing! Wanna know what they’re for? See…this here one…

BLAIN
Twinkle, twinkle little staaaarrrr…how I wonder where you arrrrre…

G.I. JOE
…is for foldin’ my clothes nicely and this here one is…

BLAIN
…high above the earth so high…

G.I. JOE
…I got for brushin’ my teeth three times a day…

BARBIE
We have to get Blain to a hospital!

G.I. JOE
Hospital? We don’t need no hospital. See this here badge? I got that for First Aid. Your G.I. Joe can fix his boo-boo, lickety-split. Even faster than that

BARBIE
Like…don’t think I don’t appreciate the offer but I think my sweetie here…I mean to say, Blain here, needs a real hospital where real doctors…

G.I. JOE
Hey! Whad’ya mean, ‘real doctors’? They don’t give these here badgers…

BARBIE
…badges…

G.I. JOE
Huh? That’s what I said

BARBIE
Like…you said, BADGERS

G.I. JOE
Yeah. Badgers.

BARBIE
They’re B-A-D-G-E-S

G.I. JOE
Badgers…badges. What’s the difference?

BARBIE
A lot. One is an animal and the other is a… Why am I bothering to explain?

(G.I. JOE checks in a pocket and produces a band aid)

G.I. JOE
(Cont’d.) Here it is! I knew I had one on me…it’s a little old but it’s still good. So where’s the cut?

BARBIE
Um… Why don’t you talk with the doctors…just to make sure of course that they know what they’re doing? Here – let’s use my cell phone to call

(KEN suddenly walks out of the woods, running towards BARBIE and G.I. JOE, holding a surf board)

KEN
Hey Barbie! Surf’s up! Grab your…

BLAIN
(groggy)
Surf…gotta surf…

G.I. JOE
At ease, soldier! You’re in no state to surf. Here – lemme put this here band aid on your boo-boo…

KEN
Oh? Who do we have here? Blain? You whale scum! Shark doo-doo…

BARBIE
Um…Ken. Can you keep that for after? G.I. Joe here, like…got a little excited and like…hit him on the head with plastic bullets

KEN
You mean…Blain here is hurt? Oh my poor ba-by boy!. I mean, the idiot. He should be in a hospital getting proper care

G.I. JOE
Hey! He is getting cared for by me! I know all about fixin’ boo-boos!

KEN
(staring at him for ten seconds)
We can transport him to a hospital on my surf board. Now you take his arms Barbie, and I’ll take his legs…

(BARBIE and KEN attempt to bend over and grasp BLAIN’s legs and arms without success. As BARBIE picks up his arms, KEN drops his legs and vice-versa)

G.I. JOE
Here – let a soldier show you how it’s done

(G.I. JOE grabs BLAIN’s arms and attempts to throw him over his soldier but misses. BLAIN is propelled over G.I. JOE’s soldier, screaming all the while)

G.I. JOE
Whooops…

(to be continued)

Question du jour: will BLAIN receive the necessary medical help he requires?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

Writers & Friends

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BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
The continuing story
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE HAS RUSHED BACK TO HER BEACH HOUSE UPON HEARING A SOUND RESEMBLING A GUN SHOT. SHE SEES BLAIN, HER USED-TO-BE-BOYFRIEND SPRAWLED ON THE GROUND, WITH G.I. JOE CROUCHED NEARBY. AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL TRIES TO CROUCH DOWN NEXT TO HIM DUE TO HER UNYIELDING STIFF PLASTIC BODY, BARBIE DROPS ON TO THE GROUND, FACE-FIRST, HANDS IN THE AIR

BARBIE
Like…ohmygawd! Blain – honey! Wake up. Your Barbie is here!

G.I. JOE
(walking over to her, gun aimed at BLAIN)
Don’t worry, babe. The intruder has been neutralized. Wait just a G.I. moment here! ‘Blain - honey?’ Whad’ya mean by that?

BARBIE
(flipping on to her back)
Well… I mean…like… Blain is from Australia and…like…his family owns a honey farm. Yeah – that’s it. A honey farm. Um…G.I. – would you bend me into a sitting position?

G.I. JOE
Sure. I can do that with these muscular arms. Oh so then….and I thought you were…well…y’know…talkin’ to him like he was your boyfriend or something

BARBIE
Him? My boyfriend? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Don’t be a silly soldier, G.I. Joe! Friends – we’re just friends!

G.I. JOE
Good ‘cause… you know I’m the only real man in your life, babe.

BARBIE
Do I have a choice?

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s head in her plastic hands but his head keeps slipping down. Finally, she drops his head on the ground)

(cont’d.) Oh the angst of being a fashionista cursed with hands that won’t bend! What did you do to him, G.I. Joe?

G.I. JOE
Like I told you – I neutralized him. Yup…he won’t be botherin’ you no more

BARBIE
Any more

G.I. JOE
Huh? What?

BARBIE
ANY more

G.I. JOE
Any more of what?

BARBIE
Sometimes G.I. Joe, you’re such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
I know and that’s why you love me, babe! Gawd I love it when you talk like that!

BARBIE
So tell me what happened to Blain

G.I. JOE
Happened? Blain?

BARBIE
Blain? The guy who is laying here? Did you…shoot him? Tell me you didn’t shoot him! Hold on – like… you use only plastic bullets, thank goodness

G.I. JOE
Plastic bullets can make a big boo-boo, too, y’know!

BARBIE
Oh you got one big boo-boo and its sitting right on top of your neck

(G.I. JOE opens up jacket and displays two hand grenades hanging on string from around his neck)

G.I. JOE

How’d you like these babies? Ken gave them to me after you two had your talk. ‘One for you and one for Barbie’, he told me. That Ken – such a good guy t’gimme hand grenades!

BARBIE
Ken’s…all heart, alright.

(BLAIN starts to stir)

(cont’d) Blain! Oh Blain! You’re okay!

G.I. JOE
Move aside, babe. I’ll finish him off for good this time

(BARBIE rolls around and manages to throw herself on top of BLAIN)

(cont’d) Stop! He’s not the enemy, G.I. Joe!

G.I. JOE
The enemy is everywhere and wears different disguises! He may look like a surfer to you, but I know different. Oh yeah I know alright! I can smell the enemy

BARBIE
That’s …like…your new Macho Man deodorant! He’s a surfer dude! That’s all!

G.I. JOE
Bwahahahahahahaha! Silly Barbie! I found him noseying around your beach house. If he was like you say he was… What did you say he was again?

BARBIE
Blain? The Australian surfer?

G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. Right. Blain... Well he had it coming!

BARBIE
What did he ever do to you?

G.I. JOE
Well…um… He was sniffin’ around my girlfriend’s house and that’s enough for me! Sniffing around is as good as guilty

BARBIE
We really have to talk about our relationship, after.

G.I. JOE
G.I. Joe don’t talk, babe! I’m a man of action! Move away from…whoever

(BLAIN stirs)

BLAIN
I can’t breathe!

(BARBIE attempts to get into a standing position but experiencing problems with her body not bending)

BARBIE
Um…G.I. Joe – could you help me stand up?

G.I. JOE
Sure babe.

(G.I. JOE extends both his muscular arms and helps BARBIE up on her feet)

(Cont’d. G.I. JOE) Feel my arms? Full of muscle

BARBIE
Oh you’re full of more than muscle

G.I. JOE
I know. I workout every two hours. Your Austrian friend Blain there…

BARBIE
…Australian friend Blain…

G.I. JOE
Whatever…Austria…Australia… It’s almost spelled the same… A couple more or less letters… Wait a minute here. Did you say AUSTRALIA???

BARBIE
What are you telling me, G.I.?

TO BE CONTINUED…
What will G.I. Joe tell BARBIE about “the accident?”
©2007, Eleanor Tylbor

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