SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
IN THE POOL

SCENE: A SWIMMING POOL FILLED HALF WAY WITH FEMALES

INSTRUCTOR
We have a lot of people in the pool so spread out and give each other room

AQUA FITNESS PARTICIPANT (AFI)
Sorry - didn't mean to bump into you

AQUA FITNESS PARTICIPANT II (AFII)
No problem. Not much room to move around. Maybe some of us should go in the deeper water

AFI
Not me! I swim like a rock. Don't wanna be a headline in tomorrow's paper. "Woman drowns in deep end of pool during aqua fitness."

AFII
We're like sardines here!

AFI
Don't let me stop you from moving out further

AFII
Um...I'll just stay here

INSTRUCTOR
(jumping in water
Okay ladies - it's time to rock

AF1
(looking around)
Rock, huh... Okay...let's rock. Should we snap our fingers, too?

AFII
You don't have to do anything with your fingers. It's all in the leg movement

AFI
Actually that was a joke - obviously a weak one. You know...rock'n'roll music... Snap your fingers?

INSTRUCTOR
'Okay - left jog...center jog...right jog. Now cross-country moving forward...now backward...'

AFI
Don't know about you but I'm having trouble moving backwards while cross-country-ing facing the right...

AFII
Do what you can

AFI
I can't see her legs. Can you see her legs?

AFII
You don't have to see her what she's doing. Just follow her instructions

AFI
Maybe it's me but I have to see in addition to hear. Why doesn't she do exercise outside the pool on the deck?

(female climbs stairs to leave pool)

INSTRUCTOR
(smiling)
'Hey - where you going? This class ain't over!'

EXITING LADY
I have an appointment...

INSTRUCTOR
'That's what they all say! You're gonna miss a lot!'

(everyone laughs)

AFI
Like...that is soooo embarrassing! I mean, maybe she really did have an appointment

AFII
Oh she's just kidding! She always acts like that1

AFI
I dunno...

INSTRUCTOR
'Okay now we're gonna work on our upper thighs...'

AFI
Maybe it's me but I can't for the life of me figure out what she means

(turning to person on other side)

(Cont'd.) Do you mind if I watch your feet? I mean, I don't want you to think I'm a pervert or anything. I just can't follow the instructor

(woman ignores her)

(Cont'd) Ohmygawd - I'm exhausted. Maybe I should stop here...don't wanna tire myself out or anything... Yup. That's what I'm gonna do...

(Aside to AFII): 'Nice aqua-ing with you. Maybe we'll aqua fit together again'

(AFI starts to climb pool stairs)

INSTRUCTOR
Hey - you there! You're leaving me too? They all leave me in the end

(everyone laughs)

AFI
(to herself)
Maybe there's a reason for that...

INSTRUCTOR
Did you say something?

AFI
Look - I have to pee. We have a choice here. If I stay as you want me to and continue exercising, you can use your imagination as to what might or could happen. So now you make the choice. Do I stay or go?

INSTRUCTOR
Don't let us stop you

AFI
Thought you'd see it my way. 'Bye all. Remember to always keep your head above water'

AFI exits

A change of location on vacation has caused a state of lethargy.

So I've been making like many a snowbird and spending the winter down south. The weather has been absolutely fabulous and we are bathed in sunshine every day. Logically, I should feel inspired to be creative but the change of venue has sapped my inspiration. At home there is always something, someone, somewhere that tweaks my creative juices. My most pressing problem here is what number sun screen is best and whether my flip-flops will last until the end.

The most inspiring moments have occurred while doing aqua fitness listening to some of the comments made by the participants. Complaints about aching body parts, discussions where to go for supper - these are important topics!

The wild life here is truly amazing and most likely will turn up in some form in my paintings. When it comes to playwriting, I'm drawing a blank.

So I'm waiting for my muse to give me a kick in the right place to get me on track again. If not - there's no place like home, Auntie Em.

My "Old Soldiers" are getting antsy waiting for direction. So is the playwright. Yesterday, the lead character, Joe Mckenna, let me know in no uncertain terms that a rebellion could be in the works.

"How much longer are you going to take to finish converting to a damned radio play, woman?" Joe demanded, as I envisioned him in various scenarios. "The others are on my back asking me to ask you to give them some direction."

I know, Joe! I know!

So it's almost March and crunch time for my work-in-progress, "Old Soldiers", in the hope of entering it in the BBC  International Radio Playwriting Competition. This realization hit me last night when looking up a TV program in the weekly guide and saw the date, along with a slight - so far - case of panic. Not too much time left to add content and make changes. Then there's always editing to be done, especially if it's a new play. This is the second time I'm focusing on coverting this into a radio production and actually enter the competition. This time last year the same thing occurred and I missed the deadline.

"So tell us Eleanor - where exactly are you at, now?"

Glad you asked. Read the play and like what I've written so far. That in itself is progress, however - hate those howevers - not much more has been added. Last night I added some dialogue but as I see it, the story line isn't 'sound-friendly.' I've changed the location Joe's apartment to a bar or pub but when you think about it, not much happens in a bar in the way of sound bites. The story line itself will progress to outside-the-bar scenes and I'm now deciding how many of the characters be used. Hate to create throw-away people for the mere sake of having more characters.

"Do you think you'll be able to make the deadline this time or will it be another 'well maybe next year'?"

Who knows. Perhaps sub-consciously I keep procrastinating since it's something in which I have no experience and pure guess work at best.

"But Eleanor - don't you think that radio plays are similar to stage plays?"

Somewhat but it's those sound effects that have me spooked. In plays one has the luxury of sight to help keep things moving, but radio depends on stimulating the listeners imagination. On a good day/night, perhaps I can manage writing three pages, following which I'm completely drained.

"Um...excuse the interruption, Eleanor, but we're waiting. We're not getting any younger, y'know!"

Neither am I, Joe! To be continued...hopefully.

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - THE CHERRY DILEMMA


PLACE: SUPERMARKET, PRODUCE AREA. FEMALE SHOPPER STUDIES SHOPPER PICKING OUT CHERRIES, TASTING THEM AS HE PLACES THEM IN A PLASTIC BAG

FEMALE SHOPPER
Like cherries, huh?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Sorry?

FEMALE SHOPPER
I doubt that... So you really like cherries? Me too

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
These are particularly good. Nice and firm..

(male shopper takes two and slowly eats them, spitting out cherry pit on ground)

FEMALE SHOPPER
You seem to take great care in choosing just the right one's

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Only choose those that are firm to the touch

FEMALE SHOPPER
I see that. And you determine that by squeezing them all, I guess?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
(eating another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
It's the only way

FEMALE SHOPPER
Aren't you worried that they're not washed or anything. You know - germs from people's hands

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
I wipe them on my clothes before tasting them (tasting another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
Hmmmmmm...really good

FEMALE SHOPPER
Sweet are they?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Uh-huh! Very! Here - try one! Look at the time - gotta run!

(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER TIES PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES OFF. FEMALE SHOPPER IS IN CASH LINE UP BEHIND CHERRY CHOOSER. SUPERMARKET CHECK-OUT CASHIER WEIGHS CHERRIES)

CASHIER
These look good enough to eat!

FEMALE SHOPPER
Oh he knows!

(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER LOOKS EMBARRASSED)

(CONT'd) Before you punch in the numbers, perhaps you should add another dollar to the total

CASHIER
I'm sorry?

FEMALE SHOPPER
By my estimate, this cherry lover must have sampled at least a dozen or two cherries that I saw him eating before finding the perfect one's for his bag. So perhaps you should factor in those dozen in his bill?

CHERRY CHOOSER
I...was just...tasting them to... um...make sure they're good...

FEMALE SHOPPER
Of course you did. We all love cherries, but who pays for those that are sampled, huh? We do!

CHERRY CHOOSER
Well...um...

CASHIER
You do have a point...nobody has ever brought this up before... Perhaps I should call the manager

FEMALE SHOPPER
No need to do that.

(FEMALE SHOPPER PRODUCES CLEAR PLASTIC PRODUCE BAG WITH CHERRY PITS INSIDE AND HOLDS THEM UP)

CONT'D. FEMALE SHOPPER
Let's see here...I count two dozen cherry pits that I picked up off the floor

CHERRY PICKER
Hey! How d'ya know they're all mine!

FEMALE SHOPPER
I watched where you spit them out and picked them up with a plastic produce bag. I mean, really, it's quite disgusting

(mumbles emitted by shoppers in line waiting to pay)

SHOPPER IN LINE
"...e-eww! You actually picked up his pits? That is like, soooo disgusting!"

ANOTHER SHOPPER IN LINE
"...the guy was stealing cherries...that's disgusting"

(A HEATED DEBATE ENSUES AMONG THOSE LINED UP REGARDING THE CHERRY PICKER AND THE MORALITY OF TASTING CHERRIES)

CHERRY PICKER
(leaning over and speaking softly to the cashier)
Just tell me how much extra I owe you and lemme get outta here

CASHIER
Fifty cents and we're even

FEMALE SHOPPER
(opens another clear plastic produce bag)
Now about those grapes you were tasting...

HELLO? PLAYWRIGHT NEEDS TO KNOW!

I've been thinking. Almost half-way through January and still haven't heard anything one way or the other about my play submitted in mid October. This is sort-of disconcerting especially since I requested ackowldgement that they received the play sent by e-mail  attachment. I'm always worried whether the dialogue ends up all over the place and whether this is held against a playwright (me).

"Not again!" a theatre reader might say to her/himself or out loud while shaking their heads, "yet another playwright who doesn't use a decent playwriting program."

Really - I worry about this aspect but still can't seem to be motivated enough to go out and spend $500 on a program for this prurpose.

So to return to my angst - actually I'm always in a state of playwriting angst - there has been no news or updates or anything whatsoever from said theater. Rather than send them another personal e-mail, which most likely will atrophy in the in-box, I'll share a public appeal. Actually, I'll go out on a limb and say/write that this sentiment is shared by many other playwrights.

Dear blah-blah (name protected just in case),

Not sure if you remember since you probably receive umpteen plays from desperate playwrights like me who are hoping to have their plays produced before they die, but I sent you my play in the middle of October. Still don't know whether you received it and/or  if you even read it. If you did, you already know that it's well-written and a very funny play. I laugh every time I read it over just in case it requires tweaking. I'm big on tweaking.

As an aspiring playwright who has yet to have a play produced but always hopeful, the waiting period to learn whether our literary jewels will be shared with theatre goers is very difficult. Frequently, and I hope is not the case with your theatre, we never hear back, or when we do, its a rejection notice years later.

I'm sure you are occupied with other projects that require your attention but any type of personal note from you or your theater would suffice.

Yours truly in perturbation,

Eleanor

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP
THE CINNAMON BUN SITUATION

SCENE: Seating area outside a well-known coffee shop chain. A female customer brings over a coffee and a cinnamon bun. She sits down, staring at bun.

FEMALE
I dunno... This doesn't look fresh to me

MALE
How can you tell? I mean, what does a fresh roll look like?

FEMALE
Should look shiny and moist on the surface. This doesn't

(she uses a fork to break a piece off)

(cont'd.) Blech! This is not fresh! I knew it!

MALE
You're going to take it back, aren't you?

FEMALE
Yup. I'm not paying to eat stale food items. I'll be back...

(she takes the roll and returns to the coffee shop counter. Server approaches her, staring at bun)

(FEMALE cont'd.)
This is stale!

(FEMALE hands over plate with bun)

SERVER
Stale? We got it in this morning

FEMALE
Well then...you received a stale bun. Touch it and see for yourself

(server puts finger on bun and presses it)

SERVER
Feels fresh to me. I'll have to get the manager

(FEMALE waits at counter for manager. Manager approaches and server speaks softly to him)

FEMALE
The bun is stale

MANAGER
Impossible!

FEMALE
Maybe to you but to me, it's stale

MANAGER
I get fresh deliveries every morning. This is not stale!

FEMALE
Sorry but it is

MANAGER
Lady - you wanna come here 9 a.m. in the morning and see my deliveries?

FEMALE
Not really

MANAGER
It has to be fresh I'm telling you!

FEMALE
And I'm telling you it isn't! It's from yesterday

MANAGER
Lady - I don't sell stale stuff! I'm in the food business!

FEMALE
I'm not accusing you of selling stale food items but somehow, some way, this slipped by

MANAGER
(highly indignant and defensive)
I've been manager here for a long time and I'm telling you this is fresh! I know! So whad'ya want me to do, huh? You want a new one, I suppose. Right? Or maybe you want something else? Is that it? You wanna exchange it? Give the bun to me!

FEMALE
Take it easy! Everything is cool! Relax. It's only a cinammon bun!

MANAGER
Only a cinammon bun for you. You come here 9 a.m. in the morning and...

FEMALE
I have absolutely no desire to be here at 9 a.m. to monitor your delivery order. That's your business! Remember I'm the customer?

MANAGER
So...whad'ya want?

FEMALE
(looking over the display case)
So many items...hmmm... Okay. I'll take the cranberry-lemon muffin

MANAGER
Here. Enjoy

FEMALE
By the way - is it fresh?

My old soldiers are waiting for direction. I know where they're coming from!

The end of the year is almost here and that means a mere four months to work on re-working my short story, "Old Soldiers" in the hope of converting it into a radio play to enter in the British Council International Radio Playwriting Competition . The characters need flushing out and some type of direction as to their purpose.

"That's all, Eleanor? Piece of cake!"

On were it that easy.

Having never attempted writing a radio play, I'm somewhat intimidated. I mean, to what degree will the correct writing form for radio count?

"Oh look. The sound effects are on the wrong side of the page," a BBC reader might comment to another reader, after which it might be tossed on the slush pile.

To my credit (pat-pat on the back) I've made some progress and added dialogue but the challenge is the necessity of providing those tricky sound effects. This means that there has to be action, which can be heard and that will propel the story along. You just can't have the characters hang around say...a pub and talk. They have to do something to catch the listeners ear.

A purpose and reason for being there is required. Therein lies (or lay...whatever) the challenge.

A character chart would help me define the varous characteristics of the personalities, but I've never used one in the past. Then again, I've never tried writing a radio play. The ending seems logical but the trip to get there has to be refined.

Joe McKenna would understand.

Here's a small snippet of dialogue taken from the re-write as the "old soldiers" prepare to leave for a fellow soldier's funeral


AL

So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?

JOE
I am…and so is Mac

MIKE
Me too

AL
I’d like to go. There are so few of us left. Look at me with a walker. We were his friends for umpteen years and I mean, the man deserves some type of recognition. It's the least we can do. Can anyone give me a lift? So damn hard to climb up the bus steps and the bus drivers get so impatient...

MIKE
I'll bring along our flag. It's getting so thin I can see through it

JOE
Just like us. Old and worn out

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE

CHRISTMAS AT THE HAIRDRESSER

SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. PEOPLE ARE SEATED ON CHAIRS WAITING FOR THEIR TURN. THE SOUND OF HAIR DRYERS OBLITERATES THE SOUND OF THE TV SET. CLIENT ENTERS WITH A SMALL GIFT BAG IN HAND


CLIENT 1

‘Hello all! Busy, busy, today, aren’t we?’


(Hair stylists turn to look at her as she passes, nod. CLIENT approaches PEGGY, hair stylist, who is absorbed in conversation with another female, LATE CLIENT)


PEGGY

I really can’t do streaks today. I’m sorry but you’re over an hour late and look – my customer is here already


(PEGGY turns to CLIENT 1as does the late client)


CLIENT 1

Um...yes. I’m here for my appointment


PEGGY

See? She’s here on time!



(LATE CLIENT stares at PEGGY and then at CLIENT 1)


LATE CLIENT

But...when am I gonna get my hair done? Look – it’s a disaster!


PEGGY

Like I told you – you’re here an hour late. I tried to call you...


LATE CLIENT

...like I told you – I moved so that’s why you couldn’t reach me


PEGGY

Uh-huh... Well, that still doesn’t change anything. There is absolutely no way I can do your streaks today...or tomorrow



(LATE CLIENT moves close to PEGGY to discuss it further)



PEGGY

...no – it’s impossible....really I can’t...it’s not fair to my client...



CLIENT 1

Yes – it’s not fair to me! I have things to do – places to go...


LATE CLIENT

I’m sorry I’m late but I had to get here from the city by bus and...that’s why I’m late. Like I said – I moved. Guess I’ll have to wait


CLIENT 1

Your hair doesn’t look that bad


LATE CLIENT

Not to worry. I’ll just trim the front myself


PEGGY

No!!! Don’t do that! Look – sit down and I’ll at least cut your bangs (turning to CLIENT 1) ‘It’ll only take a couple of minutes’


LATE CLIENT

...traffic was bad – you know, Christmas and all...


PEGGY
(distracted)

...uh-huh... There.


(rolls chair back and starts to help LATE CLIENT out)


PEGGY (cont’d)

Call me. Okay? I’m sorry but you were late...


(PEGGY kisses LATE CLIENT on either cheek. LATE CLIENT leaves looking forlorn)


PEGGY

Why do I have to feel guilty, huh? Why?


MARY (other hair stylist)

She was friggin’ late! Not your fault!


CLIENT 1
(sitting down in chair)

If you would have done her hair now, all your other clients would have had to wait, including me


PEGGY

She tells me she moved but I called her before and got her answering machine. Does a person who moved still keep an answering machine on?


CLIENT 1

Perhaps...I mean, of course not! She was making excuses, probably


PEGGY

(picking up appointment book full of written appointments)

I mean, look! I’m full up for today AND tomorrow! Why am I felling guilty!


MARY

You shouldn’t! Feeling sick...


PEGGY

Take tea or something


MARY

(opening box of cough drops and taking one)


PEGGY

You shouldn’t take so many. They’ll upset your stomach


CLIENT 1

How often does the box say you can taken them?


MARY
(reading side of box)

‘...take as needed...’ (pops one into her mouth) Anyway, my doctor says they’re useless


CLIENT 1

So why take them?


PEGGY

They’re probably just candy, anyway


(phone rings)


MARY

Friggin phone! ‘Shut up!’ Never stops!



PEGGY

That’s why they pay us the big bucks, honey! To do clients hair


(PETER, male stylist stomps by, grabbing towel for hair)


PETER

Same shit – different smell...!


CLIENT 1

Oh I like that – never quite heard it expressed that way

MARY

I told him that!



PETER

Whatever...okay – you told me that...


CLIENT 1

Oh – almost forgot to give you this


(hands PEGGY small red bag)


CLIENT 1

‘Merry Christmas’! Figured rather than get you something you probably have a million of at home, a gift card is more practical


PEGGY

Oh you shouldn’t...it’s not necessary...but thank you. You’re right. This is the perfect gift


CLIENT1

BTW – we’re going lighter today


PEGGY

You don’t want streaks, right?


CLIENT1

No worry – no streaks


PEGGY

Good because streaks are out of the question. Gee – I hope my client got home okay...I mean, she’s not young or anything


CLIENT1

I’m sure she did


PEGGY

You think so? What happens if she really moved into town and she has to wait for busses and...


MARY

She has an answering machine, remember?


PEGGY

Oh yeah! Forgot about that. Anyway, two more days and I won’t have to think about streaks, or cuts, or blow-dry.


(phone rings – PEGGY answers)

‘No – like I told you an hour ago – I can’t do your streaks! Really... Where can I get in touch with you in case I have a few cancellations? That’s your old number isn't it? Didn’t you tell me you moved?’

SANTA SLIMS DOWN: a Christmas story of rebellion and compromise

By Eleanor Tylbor

My annual sharing of the play focusing on Santa's need to lose weight in order to fly on Christmas Eve.



CAST OF CHARACTERS:


SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself who ate one too many cookies

MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife, who is worried about Santa’s cholestrol
RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG



SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS.

AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE FILLED WITH TOYS. HE MUNCHES ON COOKIES WHILE CHECKING OVER THE TOYS. A GROUP OF ELVES WATCH.


SANTA
(laughing/chuckling)
Excellent job as usual! These toys are going to make a lot of kids happy

ELVES
(together)
"Thank you, Santa! We try out best'


(There is a loud knock on the door and Rudolph, accompanied by Donner and Blitzen barge in)



SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?


RUDOLPH

(moving his antlers from side-to-side defiantly)

We're here to give you a message, Santa


RUDOLPH
It’s about cookies


SANTA

(eating one cookie after another)

Mmm - so good. Love those chocolate chips. You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round


RUDOLPH
That's the problem. Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…


DONNER
- it's real important-like…


BLITZEN
…major important


RUDOLPH

(Turns around and addresses DONNER and BLITZEN)

Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?


DONNER
(staring down at his hooves)
And…you do a great job, Rudy. Super job


BLITZEN
You our main reindeer, man!


RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…


DONNER
No-no… You’re the best


RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Cheez – everyone wants'ta be a star… Now where was I? See Santa, we're worried!


DONNER AND BLITZEN
(together)
Real worried!


RUDOLPH

(whirling around)

Hello? D'ya mind?

SANTA nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around a track


SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I love watching the train speed around the track. Um… Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go. The elves finished it this very morning


RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely -


DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!


RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…


DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…


RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!


SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could one of you tell me?


RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me


BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed


DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…


RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your shape


SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! I’m supposed to look this way


RUDOLPH
It's um - very round


SANTA
(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…


RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more


SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You know that!


RUDOLPH
It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole


DONNER
He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too


SANTA
But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked.


Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself

SANTA
Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time


RUDOLPH
D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and over-weight Santa?


OTHER REINDEER PEERING IN AT WINDOW
Hard..hard..very hard


DONNER
It’s a big pain in the back for sure!


RUDOLPH
Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?


(The reindeer dart away from the window)


RUDOLPH
Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!


SANTA
You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve? I won't hear of it


RUDOLPH
Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground? We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You gots one week


(Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads)


SANTA
(calling out)
This is unheard of! Santa Claus without his reindeer? What am I to do? 'Mother Claus- we have a major problem!'


(MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room)


MRS. CLAUS
What is it, dear? The trains not producing smoke, again?


SANTA
Worse! From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me. I have to lose weight!


MRS. CLAUS
Did you say something about cookies, dear? I just took a new batch out of the oven


SANTA
Did you hear what I said, mother? The reindeer told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa too heavy for my sleigh!


MRS. CLAUS
But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish. Mind you - you have put on a few pounds here and there...and everywhere


SANTA
Why didn't you tell me? I just had a visit from three of the reindeer and they told me none of them will fly unless I can lose some weight!


MRS. CLAUS
But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think you can do without your chocolate chip cookies?


SANTA
I gotta! I have too much to lose and it’s not only the weight I’m talking about. What will I tell the boys and girls? No! I have to lose weight!


MRS. CLAUS
No more cookies. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…


SANTA
Maybe we're doing this too quick - a few cookies can't hurt


MRS. CLAUS
Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?


SANTA
Um - I'm just going outside to check on things


MRS. CLAUS
What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over


(SANTA hands over a handful of cookies)


MRS. CLAUS
Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!


SANTA
You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exercycle that the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?


MRS. CLAUS
Of course! It's in the reindeer barn


SANTA
Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and just one week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it! I must do it!



SCENE TWO



SCENE: SANTA is exercising on his exercycle in red long-johns



SANTA
Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!



(MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale)


MRS. CLAUS
I do hope you've lost some weight!


(SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but can't see over his belly)


SANTA
So? What does it say?


MRS. CLAUS
You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?


SANTA
No… Really… Well…maybe one or two once in a while. We better call in the reindeer I suppose


RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN enter

RUDOLPH
Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't get their gifts this year, right guys?


DONNER AND BLITZEN
Still not enough.. Still not enough..


(The reindeer exit, shaking their heads)


SANTA
What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..


MRS. CLAUS
Santa! This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the treadmill!


SANTA gets back on the treadmill


SCENE THREE



THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY SLIMMER SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER


SANTA
So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do it?


RUDOLPH
You look like you dropped some weight. Whad'ya think boys?


BLITZEN
He looks leaner…I'll fly if the others agree


SANTA
I lost ten whole pounds!


DONNER
I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?


SANTA
Like what boys?


DONNER
We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us.


SANTA
No problem! I’m all in favor of good healthy food. Healthy eating is the way to go


BLITZEN
It’s not exactly salads we had in mind. We’d like…all-dressed pizza!


SANTA
Now Blitzen, you know that's not the right type of food to maintain a healthy weight. No more late night bad food deliveries to the Pole. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trip. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole, and I expect every reindeer to take part. And I have you all to thank for my change


DONNER
(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No more pizza deliveries?


BLITZEN
Gee thanks Rudolph!


DONNER
Yeah – thanks Rudy!


SANTA
I know you boys will like the changes. No more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!


(SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer)


We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!


BLITZEN
Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?


DONNER
…a big one…very big…


The reindeer exit


SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE

‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!


RUDOLPH
Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…


MRS. CLAUS
Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.


(Staring at herself in a long mirror)


Didn’t do me any harm, either. 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!'


© Eleanor Tylbor, 2005

BARBIE THROWS A CHRISTMAS PARTY - ALONG WITH SOME FRIENDS


SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.



BARBIE

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now

(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)

G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)

Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!

BARBIE

How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?

G.I. JOE

How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people

BARBIE

You are so right

G.I. JOE

Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around

BARBIE

Like...that’s the problem, Joe...

G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)

...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...

(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)

G.I. JOE

I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful

BARBIE

Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!

G.I. JOE

Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –

BARBIE

- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?

G.I. JOE

Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd

BARBIE

That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?

G.I. JOE

No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her

BARBIE

Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?

G.I. JOE

Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?

BARBIE

You are too much...

G.I. JOE

I know. That's why you like me around

BARBIE

And the word is “pervert”.

G.I. JOE

Prevert...covert...it’s all the same

BARBIE

Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged

G.I. JOE

Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!

BARBIE

So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal

G.I. JOE

Depends

BARBIE

What do you mean?

G.I. JOE

Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them

BARBIE

Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down

G.I. JOE

The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care

(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)

G.I. JOE

Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back

BARBIE

If only you'd watch and not act

(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)

KEN

It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..

BARBIE

Swallowed too much water, have we?

KEN

It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –

BARBIE

- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...

KEN

The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...

BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)

Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?

KEN
(looking down)

I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.

(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)

KEN

“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”

(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)

G.I. JOE

Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...

KEN

Well – if you insist...

(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)

KEN

And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?

BARBIE

Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?

(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)

BLAIN

Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?

KEN

Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!

(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)

BARBIE

Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!

BLAIN

I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)

G.I. JOE

Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny

To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?

IN SUBMISSION MODE - AGAIN



For whatever reason, I always... Okay. Very frequently at this time of the year, I get the urge - the need - to seek out theatres et al, which are open to new plays/playwrights. To this end, came accross a theatre group in NYC that struck my fancy or kind of stood out and passed along "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life." Supplied a synopsis and even when adding my neophyte-ic status, they still wanted to read it. This is a good omen - one hopes.

Before submitting, I checked over the contents for spelling mistakes and flow of dialogue and made a few tweaks. Thing is - I don't have a playwriting program and submitted it as a Word attachment, not an ideal arrangement. Really, this is something that should be looked into but somehow it ends up on the back-burner. There is a program available in Word so I've read and this is something I really must pursue.

In any case, haven't heard back from them, yet. Patience isn't one of my strong points but I have to control my curiousity and wait. And wait... It`s all part of the process. Right? It would be so wonderful if the recipients would provide updates. Something to the effect:

"Dear Playwright,

We are in the process of reading your play. So far, we are enjoying the contents. We are up to scene blah-blah. Will get back to you again as we go along."

I mean, it would make playwrights lives so much more bearable!

In addition, looking for possible contacts to send my short-short plays. Really, the search never ends.

SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette


THE COFFEE DILEMMA


SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON


HE

Whad’ya taking? The usual?

SHE
(examining menu choices)

Not sure...

HE

You always end up taking number five

SHE

Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change

HE

I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?

SHE

What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...

HE

It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’

COUNTER PERSON

The full meal?

HE

Yup.

COUNTER PERSON

(keying in order)

Soft drink with that?

HE

Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?

SHE

O-kay...I’ll take...

HE

...let me guess. Number 5

SHE

So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart

HE

Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?

SHE

A few fries now and then don’t hurt.

HE

Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...

SHE

...and a coffee

SERVER

(stunned look on her face)

So you want a soft drink AND coffee?

SHE

No. Just a coffee please

SERVER

That won’t work.

SHE

Why not?

SERVER

The full meal comes with a soft drink.

HE

Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?

SERVER

Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works

SHE

What? Never heard of that!

SERVER

I’ll have to order each item, separately

HE

That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more

SHE

I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know

SERVER

You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay

SHE

What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float

HE

Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.

SHE

No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod

SERVER

But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink

SHE

What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.

(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)

HE

Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment

SERVER

(very unnerved)

I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...

(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)

Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.

SHE

Oh goodie!

(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)

HE

You’ve over-charged us by a dollar

COUNTER PERSON

Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...

SHE

Coffee...

"OLD SOLDIERS" - BEEN WORKING ON RE-WRITE

Last night having watched the 25th anniversary show of "Les Mis", again, for the umpteenth time on PBS, it inspired me to tackle my current re-write of "Old Soldiers". As mentioned previously, I'm planning to enter it as a radio play in the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition, all being well. As it reads now it's a short story inspired by an interview I did with an army veteran/old soldier as a columnist for the Remembrance Day edition. In spite of the dour subject, it's one of my favorite stories.

Rather than let it atrophy as a computer byte, I'm attempting to re-work it as a radio play. Dialogue has never been a problem for me but the addition of sound is something else. Situations have to be created whereby sound effects help carry the story line. My problem is that the story is flowing but the sound effects are limited. The deadline is April 2012 so there's still time to overcome this barrier and it is a barrier for me.

Last night I actually wrote, as took pen in hand, a few pages that really don't fit in the story line, yet, but it will one hopes. Sometimes a stretch of dialogue jumps into my head and the story moves in a different direction than expected. My philosophy is go with the flow. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't but we'll have to see down the line. It's a good omen since it happened twice before and resulted in the completion of my two full plays.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking about submitting one of my short plays, "For the Birds" to a competition. It's a good play and was actually a finalist in a short screenwriting competition, but after a long period of not having read it, looking forward to seeing how it reads and "feels." Hopefully, my muse will co-operate.

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE

THE LIPSTICK LADY

SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.



WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)

What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!

(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)

(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart

OHSF
You should have moved

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first

OHSF
I need room

WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do

OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually

OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends

OHSF
Depends on what?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize

OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person

WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?

OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My shopping cart accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession

OHSF
Take it or leave it

WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in

OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)

OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell

(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)

(cont’d). Crappy scent!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!

OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!

OHSF
So?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore

OHSF
And if I did? I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?

OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it

OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Why don’t you!

OHSF
I’m not finished here, yet. In fact, I’m gonna smell every lipstick here!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You are truly disgusting.

OHSF
Get over it. Now if you’ll excuse me...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Fine. If that’s the way you want it.

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves to where cash register computer is situated. There is an internal microphone located on the counter, which woman customer grabs)

CASHIER
Hey! You can’t do that!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Just borrow for a minute... ‘Now hear this, now hear this! Calling all female shoppers. Lipstick is being given away free in the cosmetic section. You heard it right – FREE! Just push your shopping cart over to lipsticks and you’ll see a fake blond haired lady who is waiting to serve you.’

(There is a rush of shopping carts that head for the cosmetic department)

WOMAN CUSTOMER (cont’d)
So what is it worth to you not to tell everyone heading here that you sniffed all the lipsticks?

CASHIER
You smelled all the lipsticks here? I’m calling security...

OHSF
Not all... I mean, she’s lying... Really...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Saw her with my own eyes. She's a sniffer alright. Disgusting! By the way – do you happen to have the shade, Beige Goddess?

THE PLASTICVILLE GANG IS PREPARING FOR THEIR CLOSEUPS!

Just finished a visit in Plasticville where Barbie, Ken and the always problematic, G.I. Joe, are back in business. The gang has gone through a lot including embarrassing social faux-pas', romantic situations, gun shots and related injuries, being relegated to boxes in a warehouse, but they have decided to forget the past and start anew.

Given the situation in which G.I. Joe refuses to reliniquish his weapon of choice, which includes taking it to bed while sharing sleeping quarters with Barbie, trouble is on the horizon. Then there's always Ken whose visit to the hearing specialist on Barbie's advice, has not proved helpful since he still hears people calling out: "surf's up!" The Australian visitor, Blain, has still not regained full consciousness and add the Bratz attempts to undermine Barbie's popularity, and you've gone some potential problems.

Never a dull momemnt in Plasticville and we'll all be there to share it.

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC PEOPLE

"THE BREAKUP"

SCENE: KEN has shown up at Barbie's beach house where BARBIE, G.I. JOE and her friends are...partying. BARBIE has convinced G.I. JOE to stay back and keep watch over the house and the party while she i.e. BARBIE, take a walk on the beach with KEN.


KEN
Wow! This is nice. Just like the old days, babe! Me...you...

BARBIE
Um...Ken... I think we should talk

KEN
...the water and our surfboards. Remember, Barbie, before HE came along?

BARBIE
I think our problems go back much further than that

KEN
...we bought matching surfboards... Remember that? Then I got a tattoo to tell the world who I love.; It's still there, Barbie - read it - and remember

BARBIE
(moving her head side-ways to read it on KEN's arm)
"I Love Bra-B"? 

KEN
So the tattoo guy was dyslexic and a little hard of hearing. His heart was in the right place, though! Surf's up! I hear it!

BARBIE
Focus Ken! Try and focus!

KEN
But those were such great times! You hav'ta admit they were great times... Okay. I'm focused now

BARBIE
Listen - true we were...

KEN
Hear? Is that a bigggg wave coming in? I think it is! Why don't we go get our surfboard and...

BARBIE
Forget about the wave, 'kay? Now look into my eyes, Ken. Like...we hav'ta talk!

(BARBIE holds KEN's head between her extended plastic hands but KEN attempts to move his plastic head towards the ocean)

(cont'd BARBIE) Ken! Pay attention! Things have changed. I've changed and evolved! Like...now I have a whole new line of clothing and...I'm a big celeb

KEN
Me too! I can hang out with your gang! I use'ta be a star! Remember?

BARBIE
Like...see...that's the problem, Ken. You used to be a somebody but now you're just like...normal. Average. Blah and blech. Get it?

KEN
Um...yes... No - not really

BARBIE
Okay. Like...listen. See - I'm this really big well-known celebrity with this fantastic designer wardrobe and you - well - you're merely a guy who's in love with a surf board. Period. It just won't work!

KEN
What if I...give up surfing?

(KEN pivots as if he's on a surf board while talking to BARBIE)

BARBIE
Like...it can't be, Ken. Look at the way you dress. You've been wearing those same surfing trunks ever since we met. It's like - disgusting!

KEN
Hey - I hit the waves every day so they're always clean!

BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... My poor Ken. Hit one too many times on the head with your surf board. You just don't get it, do you?

KEN
Huh? Get what? You want I should go back and get our surfboards, 'cause if that's what you want, I'll go get us twin surf boards...

BARBIE
I give up! Let's go back

KEN
Are you sure you don't wanna ride the waves? You use'ta like that

BARBIE
No Ken - I do-not-want-to-ride-the-waves with you

KEN
Are you riding the waves with somebody else 'cause if you are... I mean to say, if you is... Is there someone else? Is it G.I. Joe?

BARBIE
G.I. is just a friend, Ken, although he doesn't want to believe it.

(As they walk back, the sound of loud bangs resembling gun shots breaks the stillness of the night)

KEN
Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that

BARBIE
Like...ohmygawd! I just hope it isn't...I pray that it isn't...

KEN
Yeah. Me too. Nothing spoils a night of surfing like a thunder storm. The last time I surfed during a storm, my board got hit with a bolt of lightning. I was unconscious for a good two minutes.

BARBIE
That would explain a lot. Uh-oh...is that G.I. Joe out there on the lawn?

(As they near BARBIE's beach house, BARBIE and KEN spot GI JOE shooting away wildly at...something)

(BARBIE cont'd) G.I. Joe! What are you doing?

G.I. JOE

It's okay, babe! Spotted an intruder and I took care of the problem. He'll never bother you again

(BARBIE, walking on tippy-toes with KEN lagging behind, rushes over and after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get down on her knees, she bends over at the waist to see who the intruder is)

BARBIE
(gasping)
Like...omygawd! You've shot...

G.I. JOE
Yeah. No need to thank me, babe! I'm a trained sharp-shooter!

BARBIE
You...you...idiot!

G.I. JOE
Aw babe! You always say the nicest things!

BARBIE
You shot Blain, the Australian surfer dude.

G.I. JOE
He's the enemy, babe! A guy has'ta do what a guy has'ta do!

BARBIE
Ken - call the beach rescue

KEN
Uh-oh! Surf's up! Gotta go!

(KEN rushes off, leaving BARBIE and G.I. JOE alone)

G.I. JOE
No need t'thank me, babe

(BARBIE opens her Barbie carry-all purse and produces her cell phone)

BARBIE
'Hello - send an ambulance right away to Barbie's Fun'n'Famous Beach House right away!'

Question du jour: Will Barbie be able to save Blain (Australian dude and former love of her life) or is it too late? To be continued)..



SCENES FROM LIFE
At the Pharmacy - The Lineup part III

SCENE: A PHARMACY. A LINE OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR ITEMS. A MAN AND A WOMAN IN THEIR 60'S STAND IN LINE WITH A SHOPPING CART FILLED WITH TOILET PAPER AND KLEENEX/TISSUES.

CASHIER

Sorry - only two packages per customer. See the sign, there?

(m/w have a discussion and analyze the situation

CASHIER (cont'd.)

Tell you what - I could make two bills, which will allow you to buy the specials

(another animated discussion lasting more than a minute between man and the woman. Man departs and woman waits while man gets shopping cart and travels up and down the aisles buying still more items before heading for cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(aside to cashier while watching couple unload the new items on to the counter)

How long will this take d'ya figure? 

CASHIER

Not too long - I hope. I still have to cancel the bill...

CASHIER (aside to couple)

'I'll cancel this bill and make up two new one's'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Why? Just make up one new bill for everything

CASHIER

(gesturing to items in cart)

Can't do that. They added more items

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

But we have to wait still longer if you make two bills. Some people (gestures with face to man/woman) have absolutely no consideration for the rights of others!

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMANCUSTOMER

Do you believe this?

(MAN removes items from shopping cart)

MAN

I changed my mind. I don't want these after all

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Say what? You're kidding, right?

CASHIER

Uh-oh...that means...

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please - don't say it - don't tell me you have to cancel the bill, again

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

This is incredible!

CASHIER

(to man/woman)

Are you sure that's it, now?

(WOMAN stares at MAN)

MAN

That's it. We really don't need all that toilet paper

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
Oh I don't know about that...

CASHIER

Can I make up the bill now?

MAN

You can add it all up

CASHIER

(folding cancelled cash slips)

Just a minute while I put these bills away... Okay. That will be a total of blah-blah

MAN

(searching the pockets in his pants, frantically)

Um - seems I left my wallet in the car. Sorry. I'll be back in a minute

(MAN rushes out of line and outside)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
(aside to cashier)

This is unbelieve! Let us go before them! We've waited long enough

CASHIER

Can't...

CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

...I know. You tallied their bill

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER

Such selfishness! Does he not realize how dangerous it is to leave a wallet in the car?

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Obviously not

(MAN rushes in, produces wallet, pays)

CASHIER

Do you have our pharmacy point card?

MAN

What's that?

(aside to CUSTOMER behind CUSTOMER behind MAN/WOMAN)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please don't ask him that!

MAN

How do I get this card? Do I get something for free?

CLERK

You have to fill out our application. Then you get points

MAN

Do you have an application form?

Aside to customers: 'This won't take long'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(loudly)

'Hello! Is there another cashier on duty? Customers need help - now!'

(another cashier arrives and opens a cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Thank goodness you opened. I mean, talk about being selfish..

CLERK

Um...there's a limit on how many soft drinks you can buy. Only 4 per customer

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Oh really? I didn't know that. Go know!

(turning to customer behind her)

(cont'd) 'Excuse me but would you mind buying me a few bottles of soft drink that I of course will pay for? It won't take long. I'll just run over there and get more bottles...be back in a sec..'.

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE



AT THE HAIRDRESSER PART 4



SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. FEMALE CLIENT (FC) ENTERS, GOES TO THE BACK OF SALON WHERE HAIR STYLIST, PEGGY, IS WASHING HAIR



FEMALE CLIENT (FC)
I know I’m early. See you’re busy there...

HAIR STYLIST
I’ll be ready for you in fifteen minutes

FC
Should I waste some time next door at the pharmacy?

HAIR STYLIST
Why - you need something?

FC
My cosmetic collection always needs refreshing. Maybe a new lipstick...

HAIR STYLIST
Okay. Be back in ten minutes

FC
I’ll be back before then. If I hang around there too long, the store clerks start looking at me funny

(starts to leave – stops to greet MARY, another hair stylist)

‘Hi Mary! How y’a doin’?’

MARY

(blowing a client’s hair dry)

Hot! That’s how I’m doing! The friggin' air conditioner isn’t working! Must be a hundred degrees, probably more, in here!

FC
Sorry I asked...

(FC leaves and upon returning, sits on couch)

(cont’d. FM1)
God is it hot outside!

MARY
Damned right and the damned air conditioner is as useless as tits on a bull!

FC
I get the picture. Since you so eloquently brought it to my attention, how come it’s so hot in here? It’s usually freezing

MARY
Like I said...

FC
...because ‘the friggin' air conditioner isn’t working!’ Has the boss called somebody to fix it?

MARY
Are you kidding? That would cost money! Shit! Look at me! I’m dripping wet!

PEGGY
Ohmygawd. Mary – you’re even sweating through your pants! Gross! And in the wrong place, too!

MARY
Oh gee thanks! Maybe I should just do hair in my underwear!

PETER (another hair stylist)
Don't encourage her! She will!

PETER'S CUSTOMER
That would be interesting!

FC
It’s like there’s no oxygen in the air. Really hot in here

PETER
We’ve got it at number six – that’s the highest. The system needs cleaning

FC
So why doesn’t your boss have it cleaned

PETER
Because it cost money!

FC
But in the end, it’ll cost him more money if he doesn’t maintain the system!

PETER
You know that, and I know that, but he’s too cheap!

MARY
Shit! I can’t take this heatttttt! Put down the temperature some more

PETER
If I do that – the whole system will break down. Would that be better?

PEGGY
It’s the hair dryers. They make it hot, too. Then the door opening and closing...

FC
It’s not really that bad...I mean, it’s bearable

PEGGY
Wait ‘til you have a towel and plastic poncho around your neck for a while!

MARY
Somebody do something before I scream!

(goes to small fridge and grabs bottle of cold water and gulps it down)

PEGGY
Okay – I’m leaving you my curling iron while I’m away on vacation. What else do you need?

MARY
Cold friggin' air!

PC
(laughing)
Mary does have a way with words, doesn't she!

PEGGY
I mean, aside from that? Any other equipment you want to borrow?

MARY
How long you going for?

PEGGY
You know how long - two whole weeks! Can’t wait!

MARY
Maybe you should re-consider. You never know - when you come back, we might not have a boss anymore if somebody doesn’t cool this place down!

(softly to Peggy and FC) ‘Oh look who’s here. Mr. Big Bucks himself!’

(salon boss strolls in)

SALON BOSS
(laughing)
So? Hot enough for everyone?

(to be continued...next time: Mary offers her boss some advice)

Plasticville: Barbie, Ken & the Rest

Actually shared life in Plasticville along with other pieces years back, but it was a lot of fun to write so I'm bringing it back to share again as a personal encore from myself. Will share more depending on the interest and could just add some new follow-ups.






BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC SET




SCENE:A PARTY AT A MALIBU BEACH HOUSE. THERE IS MUSIC IN THE AIR AND THROUGH THE PICTURE WINDOW, WE CAN SEE BARBIE AND HER FRIENDS DANCING ITUP (on tippy-toes). A CONVERTIBLE DRIVES UP AND KEN, DRESSED IN HIS USUAL SURFING GEAR, GETS OUT AND HIDES BEHIND BUSHES AND PEERS INSIDE. SUDDENLY, GI JOE HOLDING HIS EVER-PRESENT WEAPON LOOKS OUT A HUGE PICTURE WINDOW. THE DOOR OF THE BEACH HOUSE OPENS AND GI JOE STANDS AT THE DOORWAY.




GI JOE
Who's there? Is somebody hiding 'cause if you are and I catch you, I'll blast the living daylights...




(BARBIE JOINS GI JOE)


BARBIE
Oh Joe! Just stop it right now! You are like...soooo paranoid


GI JOE
Thanks! That's what everyone tells me


BARBIE
Please come in and close the door! You're like...embarrassing me in front of my friends


GI JOE
Them Bratz babes? Lemme tell you Barbie doll - they ain't your friends! You should hear what they say about you behind your back


BARBIE
You know I can't see or hear what's going on behind my back! I can't even turn my head without help...or even scratch an itch


GI JOE
Me neither...but I hear all of them whispering


BARBIE
Oh plleeze! You see plots everywhere! I can't find any kitchen help because you insist on frisking the help every five minutes


GI JOE
Hey - me and the pool guy are close friends now


BARBIE
I heard...very close friends


GI JOE
Ssssh....hear that?


BARBIE
What? I don't hear anything


GI JOE
Well I do! I'm trained to hear. My ears are a lethal weapon


BARBIE
So is your brain


GI JOE
Thank you! Love 'ya babe! Uh-oh! There's somebody hiding somewhere!


BARBIE
It's probably just Paris Hilton's dog in heat again. The dog is always hot for my chiuahua, Mimi.


GI JOE
No - it's a human...and...it's hiding somewhere....over there!(


(GI JOE RUNS OVER TO THE BUSHES WHERE KEN IS HIDING)


GI JOE
Whoever is in there better show your face or I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions later. Wait a minute... I'm gonna ask questions and then shoot later... Something like that


(KEN SLOWLY STANDS UP)


KEN
Don't shoot! It's me, Joe! Ken! Remember? Our fun games at my beach house? I dress up like nurse and you...


GI JOE
Yeah...I remember. My soldier senses tell me that you're... an enemy! Sorry but I gotta blast you, Kenny boy


KEN
No! I swear! I'm a friend!


BARBIE
Ken? Is that you? How many more times do I have to tell you that we're through?


GI JOE
'ya want me to shoot him, babe? 'Cause I can! Just say the word!


KEN
No! You can't shoot me because...because...

OLD SOLDIERS - UPDATE

Made some progress and added some new dialogue to "Old Soldiers". Now working on starting from the beginning of the story, rather than continue to focus on the section where a group of old vets meeting in the bar/pub. This will stay as is (at least for the time being) but before proceeding, I have to  see where it all began.

I'm planning to introduce a female into the mix in order to show that Joe has a soft side. Most likely other characters who will show themselves as the writing progresses. Never know which direction a story line will go and that's what makes the task so interesting.

As much as I dislike - make that detest - doing a character chart and breakdown, it really does help. Actually, I didn't do it for the other two plays since I knew the beginning and ending before I even started writing the plays. The Old Soldiers story line is there in the short story version but like my paintings, it can change a hundred times until I get that internal "click" indicating it's working. Hopefully, this will help the process. Love this story and became close to the characters to the point where on occasion, I actually quote a line out loud when I'm in a situation that fits the line.