SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE

THE COFFEE QUANDARY

 

 

SCENE:  COFFEE SHOP. A HALF-DOZEN PEOPLE LINE UP TO ORDER COFFEE. PERSON ENTERS AND CREATES ANOTHER LINE, NEXT TO THE EXISTING LINE.

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Hello? We're all waiting to be served, too

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 IGNORES COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

(CONT'D.) COFFEE DRINKER 1

 'Scuse me but he line begins and ends here. Feel free to join us - at the back of course

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

I want a coffee! Nothing else

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Me too!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

You would make me go to the back of the line for one cup of coffee?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Why not? That's why we're here but we wait our turn!

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 reluctantly and slowly moves to back of line, talking to people as she walks,  shaking her head)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

This is so dumb! One lousy coffee that would take less than thirty seconds to order. Ridiculous!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Not really. A line up is a line up is a lineup. We all gotta abide by the rules. I mean, what would the world be like without structure. Utter chaos. Right people?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Y'know...I'm not in a rush. You can go before me

 

(steps aside to allow coffee drinker 2 to move up)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 4

Me too. Gotta lotta time to kill

(steps aside to allow COFFEE DRINKER 2 to move in front of her/him)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Thank you so very much for backing me up, people! This is a perfect example why the world is in the condition it's in. Nobody cares! Rules are the glue that solidifies civilization!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Give her a break! You're in front so why do you care?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

That's not the point, my friend. Why do I care you ask? I care because we must retain some semblance of order in society. There are societal rules that are accepted norms and lining up and waiting our turn to be served is one of them. Can you imagine - and I'm sure it would never happen because you people seem civilized - if everyone pushed in and demanded to be served? There would be chaos!

COFFEE DRINKER 2
It's a coffee! That's it! Nothing to go along with it. No danish or pastry or anything that will take more time.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
That's what you say now but how do we know we can believe you?

COFFEE DRINKER 3 AND OTHERS LINING UP
'I believe her...'

COFFEE SHOP SERVER

Can I serve anyone over here?

 

(People rush over to the other line. COFFEE DRINKER 2 waves and smiles at COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

I tried. Can't teach everyone to have manners. 'A large regular coffee - in a china mug, please'

SERVER
Only paper cups. Our dishwasher is broken

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Say what? You expect civilized people, like me to...to drink coffee out of a paper receptacle? This is absolutely unacceptable. Paper is so..banal. Wash a mug out by hand, for goodness sake!

SERVER
Look over there. See the big pile of dishes in the sink? You expect me to wash out a mug for you? I think not!

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Do I have a choice - but don't expect me to enjoy it!

(COFFEE DRINKER 1 takes paper cup and looks for a table. She sees COFFEE DRINKER 2 seated by herself at the only available table)

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Excuse me...but would you mind if I join you? In my discussion with the coffee server person regarding the non-availability of china coffee mugs, it appears all the chairs and tables are taken. You would think that they would keep extra mugs on hand for people who can't tolerate drinking their beverage out of paper.

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Well...now. How 'bout that. Go figure. There is justice in this world. Why don't you line up, patiently, and wait for someone to vacate a table.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
But that could take who knows how long. You on the other hand, are all alone

COFFEE DRINKER 2
I like my space

(COFFEE DRINKER 3 approaches the table)

COFFEE DRINKER 3
Do you mind if I join you?

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Be my guest.

ASIDE TO COFFEE DRINKER 1: Like you said, there are rules and waiting our turn is one of them.  I think I just may order another refill...or maybe two...
 

 

 



Some thoughts about coffee mugs and inspiration

First another rant. Just returned from a coffee shop for a quick caffeine pick-me-up and once again encountered a coffee mug related problem. As a writer, a coffee or tea break is an important tool in the thinking process. If and whenever possible, I opt for a 'real' china mug rather than a paper cup. Somehow, and maybe it's my imagination, hot beverages including tea always seem to retain better flavor in a non-paper receptacle.

At this particular chain, customers are given a mug in which to pour their own coffee with unlimited refills. As the server handed over the mug, couldn't help but notice that the rim was slightly chipped.

ME
Excuse me but this mug is chipped

There was a thirty second silence between us while we stared into each other's eyes. Sort-of a coffee-shop-stare-down. Glancing down, she grabbed another mug, passed it to me and took off to chat with another server.

Meanwhile, walking over to fill up the mug with coffee, I saw there were stains inbedded on the sides.

ME TO SERVER
This mug is stained. See? Look at the sides...

SERVER
(grabbing another mug absent-mindedly)
This is as good as it's gonna get.

Let's just say it was passable but only just. 'As good as it's gonna get?' That's a good explanation?

The problem, in my humble opinion, is that a large portion of coffee drinkers have opted to be satisfied with a paper cup. We have turned into a population of mobile coffee drinkers who prefer to walk while they drink, rather than take the time to sit down and experience the pleasure of sipping coffee from a proper drinking receptacle. Proper drinking mugs and cups are becoming obsolete and coffee shops focus on their paper cup customers. Rant over and back to the real heart of the situation.


In spite of a concerted effort to work on my playwriting, my brain seems to be neutral. In assessing the situation, I'm thinking here that perhaps it's due to my physical location away from home base where ideas and dialogue seem to flow endlessly. Not that the current atmosphere isn't conducive to writing but the change, at least for me, isn't for the better. In my normal setting, there is a window next to the computer set-up and somehow staring out of the window at the passing scene inspires the part of my brain that produces ideas and concepts. Most of my time these days is spent staring at the computer screen, accompanied by the occasional line or two, which is frequently deleted shortly thereafter. Presumably and hopefully, upon my return to my usual environment, the words will flow like water. Or not.

“I tell my students there is such a thing as ‘writer’s block,’ and they should respect it. You shouldn’t write through it. It’s blocked because it ought to be blocked, because you haven’t got it right now.”
—Toni Morrison

Yup.

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP: THE TEA CUP DILEMMA

SCENE: A popular coffee shop/stand. Woman (TEA LOVER) is standing in long line waiting to order

TEA LOVER
How long do we have to wait to get a lousy tea?

PERSON IN FRONT
Sorry?

TEA LOVER
I was commenting on the slow service, here. Seems like I've been waiting forever

PERSON IN FRONT
Did you say, 'tea'?'

TEA LOVER
Uh-huh. Why?

PERSON IN FRONT
Just sort-of weird that you're ordering tea at a coffee stand

TEA LOVER
How so?

PERSON IN FRONT
I mean, they're known for serving coffee, here

TEA LOVER
So where should we tea drinkers get our beverage of choice? Or perhaps we should drink it only at home?

PERSON IN FRONT
I didn't mean... Wasn't trying to offend or anything...

TEA LOVER
They do serve tea here, ergo, it's a place in which to indulge in a hot cup of tea. Accent on the hot

PERSON IN FRONT
Sor-reee! I was just thinking out loud... Didn't mean anything by it. Look - if you want to order tea, far be it for me to stand in your way. By all means, order tea! Oh look - we're at the front of the line, thank goodness. Have a nice day, lady!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Can I help you?

TEA LOVER
I certainly hope so but I won't hold my breath

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Sorry?

TEA LOVER
A green tea, please?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Sorry - we're out of green tea

TEA LOVER
Out...of...green...tea... How did this happen?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Well - between you and me, there's not a big demand for green tea so we don't stock a lot of it

TEA LOVER
Tell me - how is your coffee selection? Do you have a lot of blends?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
You name it - we have it! It's our thing!

TEA LOVER
Uh-huh... Obviously, we tea drinkers of the world are of secondary importance to your coffee customers. There appears to be a coffee prejudice at hand, here

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Of course we value, even treasure, our tea drinkers just as much, m'am! Perhaps consider choosing another tea. We're due to re-stock our tea supplies. It's been six months.

TEA LOVER
Okay. How about Earl Grey?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Does he work here?

TEA LOVER
Earl Grey is a tea selection. Very delicate and perfume flavor. Quite delightful, actually

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
I knew that! Just joking! A little tea humor! No - we don't have him - I mean, Earl Grey... Try again

TEA LOVER
Oolong?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Water's boiled. All I have to do is drop in the tea bag...

TEA LOVER
Oolong is another type of tea.

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
(laughing)
I thought you meant how long will it take? No  - don't have that kind, either.

TEA LOVER
This is ridiculous! What do you have, she asked stupidly

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
You know - your regular tea bag, orange pekoe I think they call it

TEA LOVER
Oh the angst of having to settle for pedestrian tea! Fine! I'll take it!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Here or to go?

TEA LOVER
Here of course. How could I possibly walk around holding a mug of hot tea? I could spill it on myself or bump into people

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
No probloem-o. We provide a sleeve for the cup

TEA LOVER
Sleeve?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
(pouring hot water into a paper cup and dropping in tea bag, and adding a sleeve around top)
Your tea, m'am!

TEA LOVER
(shocked)
Paper cup? One does not drink one's tea in a paper cup

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
What you sees is what you get! If it's good enough for coffee drinkers...

TEA DRINKER
We tea drinkers are a different breed, sir!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
You can say that again.

TEA DRINKER
I shall report this to cooperate headquarters

(sipping tea)

Paper cup - so uncivilized... This water is not boiled! Look at the foam on top indicating it never came to a full boil!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Oh look! Seems that somebody ordered an extra scone and we'll have to throw it away. Perhaps you can help out by taking it off my hands as a gift?

TEA DRINKER
Silly me! My eyes are deceiving me. Not foam at all (removing glasses and cleaning them). My glasses just needed cleaning. Your orange pekoe tea is just delicious, especially accompanied by this scone.

(gives COFFEE SHOP SERVER something in his hand and walks away)

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
A whole quarter! Tea drinkers - all alike!

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP
THE CINNAMON BUN SITUATION

SCENE: Seating area outside a well-known coffee shop chain. A female customer brings over a coffee and a cinnamon bun. She sits down, staring at bun.

FEMALE
I dunno... This doesn't look fresh to me

MALE
How can you tell? I mean, what does a fresh roll look like?

FEMALE
Should look shiny and moist on the surface. This doesn't

(she uses a fork to break a piece off)

(cont'd.) Blech! This is not fresh! I knew it!

MALE
You're going to take it back, aren't you?

FEMALE
Yup. I'm not paying to eat stale food items. I'll be back...

(she takes the roll and returns to the coffee shop counter. Server approaches her, staring at bun)

(FEMALE cont'd.)
This is stale!

(FEMALE hands over plate with bun)

SERVER
Stale? We got it in this morning

FEMALE
Well then...you received a stale bun. Touch it and see for yourself

(server puts finger on bun and presses it)

SERVER
Feels fresh to me. I'll have to get the manager

(FEMALE waits at counter for manager. Manager approaches and server speaks softly to him)

FEMALE
The bun is stale

MANAGER
Impossible!

FEMALE
Maybe to you but to me, it's stale

MANAGER
I get fresh deliveries every morning. This is not stale!

FEMALE
Sorry but it is

MANAGER
Lady - you wanna come here 9 a.m. in the morning and see my deliveries?

FEMALE
Not really

MANAGER
It has to be fresh I'm telling you!

FEMALE
And I'm telling you it isn't! It's from yesterday

MANAGER
Lady - I don't sell stale stuff! I'm in the food business!

FEMALE
I'm not accusing you of selling stale food items but somehow, some way, this slipped by

MANAGER
(highly indignant and defensive)
I've been manager here for a long time and I'm telling you this is fresh! I know! So whad'ya want me to do, huh? You want a new one, I suppose. Right? Or maybe you want something else? Is that it? You wanna exchange it? Give the bun to me!

FEMALE
Take it easy! Everything is cool! Relax. It's only a cinammon bun!

MANAGER
Only a cinammon bun for you. You come here 9 a.m. in the morning and...

FEMALE
I have absolutely no desire to be here at 9 a.m. to monitor your delivery order. That's your business! Remember I'm the customer?

MANAGER
So...whad'ya want?

FEMALE
(looking over the display case)
So many items...hmmm... Okay. I'll take the cranberry-lemon muffin

MANAGER
Here. Enjoy

FEMALE
By the way - is it fresh?

SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette


THE COFFEE DILEMMA


SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON


HE

Whad’ya taking? The usual?

SHE
(examining menu choices)

Not sure...

HE

You always end up taking number five

SHE

Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change

HE

I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?

SHE

What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...

HE

It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’

COUNTER PERSON

The full meal?

HE

Yup.

COUNTER PERSON

(keying in order)

Soft drink with that?

HE

Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?

SHE

O-kay...I’ll take...

HE

...let me guess. Number 5

SHE

So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart

HE

Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?

SHE

A few fries now and then don’t hurt.

HE

Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...

SHE

...and a coffee

SERVER

(stunned look on her face)

So you want a soft drink AND coffee?

SHE

No. Just a coffee please

SERVER

That won’t work.

SHE

Why not?

SERVER

The full meal comes with a soft drink.

HE

Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?

SERVER

Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works

SHE

What? Never heard of that!

SERVER

I’ll have to order each item, separately

HE

That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more

SHE

I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know

SERVER

You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay

SHE

What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float

HE

Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.

SHE

No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod

SERVER

But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink

SHE

What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.

(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)

HE

Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment

SERVER

(very unnerved)

I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...

(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)

Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.

SHE

Oh goodie!

(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)

HE

You’ve over-charged us by a dollar

COUNTER PERSON

Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...

SHE

Coffee...

THE TEA BAG: A SHORT PLAY
By Eleanor Tylbor

Characters:

Fast food server: Punk-look i.e. multi-colored hair,
Long dangly earrings

Customer

Manager (male)

Scene:

Fast food restaurant. Customer is standing at counter with styrofoam cup in hand


SERVER
Uh-huh?

HAPPY CUSTOMER
Free tea refill, please, herbal if you have it

SERVER

(chewing gum/blows bubbles)
No free refills on tea

NOT-SO-HAPPY-CUSTOMER
You… don't… give refills on tea?

SERVER
Uh-uh. Could you move along?

CUSTOMER
‘Scuse me but you now have an unhappy customer. You do realize that, don’t you?

SERVER
Uh-huh. Next…

CUSTOMER

(Looking around for signs on wall)

Where does it say they’re no tea refills? I don’t see signs posted anywhere

SERVER
Holding up sign that reads: 'FREE COFFEE REFILLS'

Right…here

Server extends finger and points to sign.
Sticks finger inside her mouth and removes
gum pulling it until it is a long string.
Replaces it back in her mouth. Wipes fingers
on clothes

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head in horror)
Your nails are long, aren’t they? But this says free coffee refills. I want tea

SERVER
They’re not real, the nails I mean. Lost a couple last week and I still haven’t found them. Guess they’ll show up…somewhere

CUSTOMER
(hesitatingly)
My tea? Remember?

SERVER
Like I told you, free coffee refills. Them’s the rules

CUSTOMER
You mean, those are the rules. It’s plural… more than one…

SERVER
Now you want more than one refill? No way, José! Never!

CUSTOMER
I meant…I was just trying to say… Now focus. There’s no logic to your rule. We’re only talking here about one lousy teabag for heaven’s sake. Let’s say…I brought one in here from home?

SERVER
(Silence while she thinks. Pulls gum out of
her mouth in a long strip and replaces it
back into her mouth, wiping hands on blouse)

I gotta ask the manager 'bout that.

(An unshaven, heavy-set male with long greasy hair, wearing a tied scarf on his head approaches - grabs the SERVER and kisses her open-mouthed on the lips. They lock lips for 30 seconds)

MANAGER
Later babe

SERVER
Oh Howie – you’re so ro-man-tic!

MANAGER hits server on bum as she EXITS

CUSTOMER
Your…friend there is telling me that refills are good for coffee only . Unfortunately, I’m a tea drinker

MANAGER
That’s your problem – not ours

CUSTOMER
All I need is one lousy cup filled with hot water AND a teabag. I'm not even fussy about the brand at this point, and your water doesn't even have to be boiled properly!

MANAGER
Gonna hav’ta charge you

CUSTOMER
You have to or you want to? This is…tea prejudice!

MANAGER
Whatever that means

CUSTOMER
I shall alert the tea growers of the world regarding your policy and discriminatory attitude towards tea drinkers

MANAGER
Lemme put it this way - I won't stay up nights worrying

CUSTOMER
How many clients have been turned away as a result of this injustice, huh? Thousands – nay – maybe millions even!

MANAGER
Look pal, there's a long line of people behind you so decide, but there ain’t nothing I can do ‘bout it

CUSTOMER
Let's make this simple…

MANAGER
…and fast? I got a line of people who wanna be served

CUSTOMER
One cup of boiled water

MANAGER
(writing on pad)
That it?

CUSTOMER
Now put it in a styrofoam cup…you don’t charge for
styrofoam cups, do you? I mean, you have to pour the hot water into something

MANAGER
I better check corporate headquarters t’find out

CUSTOMER
No need. Consider lending me a teabag. Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! You can have it back once I've finished and then pass it on to the next customer. That way we both win

MANAGER
Borrow a tea bag…I dunno 'bout that

CUSTOMER
Be a fast food pioneer and tell the world, 'I’m-going-to-start-giving-free-tea-refills!' Hey! Maybe they’ll write you up in National Geographic! Or National Enquirer - or both! They could even add your photo, too! What’s your name, anyway?

MANAGER
Howard

CUSTOMER
What a normal name for a… I can see the headline now: 'Howard…somebody, manager of the Eat’n’Run, through his pioneering spirit, set the standard for the introduction of free tea refills in his restaurant.' Tea companies could thank you by - um - naming a tea after you! The - um - 'Howard tea bag' – the original pioneering - um - eight cup tea bag

MANAGER
Really? Name a tea bag after me?

CUSTOMER
Think of it as doing your part to help save the planet. Trust me that your average tea drinker won’t mind sharing a used tea bag. You don’t even hav’ta tell head office about your sacrifice! It’ll be our secret…save the earth and all that

Customer is handed teabag and cup. He dunks tea bag in, and then dumps bag
in manager’s hand. Takes sip from cup

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head)
Some people make their lives so complicated

Customer exits

/