OLD SOLDIERS - for Memorial Day

 

OLD SOLDIERS DON'T DIE - THEY  FADE AWAY

 

 

 

In recognition of Memorial Day, the first few pages of "OLD SOLDIERS."

 



OLD SOLDIERS

 

THE TIME:

 THE PRESENT. MORNING.

 

SETTING:

 A PUB/BAR.

 

AT RISE:

SERVICE VETERAN, JOE MCKENNA, SITS AT A TABLE READING A NEWSPAPER, WHILE WAITING FOR HIS BUDDIES TO ARRIVE. A WHITE DOG LAYS ON THE FLOOR BY HIS FEET. BACKGROUND MUSIC SUPPLIED BY AN OLD JUKE BOX

 

JOE

(to himself)

Yup…yup…yup… The way things are goin’, won’t be long before we’re all gone. Poor old, Perce. Died alone without anyone there to see him on his way to the big battlefield in the sky. ‘Here’s to you, Perce! You’ll be missed for sure!’

 

                                    Lifts glass in the air and lowers it

 

‘Refill, Vince.’

JOE’S FRIEND, MIKE, DRESSED IN FULL UNIFORM JOINS HIM AT THE TABLE

 

MIKE

Freezing out there. Wind cuts like a knife. See you got a head start. Buying us a round?

 

JOE

You just got here and already trying to mooch a free drink?

MIKE

When it comes to mooching, bud, you got that covered and then some. When’s the last time you paid?

 

JOE

(pretends to take out imaginary book)
 

Lemme’ check my diary here…last Wednesday, three in the afternoon. You buying or not?

 

MIKE
 

Not. How come you’re not in full dress?

 

JOE

 

What for? I don’t need no uniform to remind myself what we went through

 

MIKE

 

Just don’t seem right, is all

 

JOE

Got it stored away in the back of the cupboard, along with a lot of mothballs. Anyway, the jacket buttons don’t close properly

 

MIKE
 

You reek bad, Joe! Obviously, you tried on the jacket. Smell sticks to your clothes

 

JOE

 

I’ll warn you in advance the next time I try it on. You buying, or what?

 

MIKE

 

Like I told you, not

JOE

You are a cheap bastard! I’m stuck paying, again. ‘Vince – two whiskeys’

 

MIKE

-         Joe here is paying by the way -

 

JOE

-         whatever. See you’re in full regalia.

 

MIKE

If I don’t wear it today, when then? Take it out once a year

 

                                    VINCE, the bartender, brings over drinks

 

VINCE

One of you guys forget to wash?

 

MIKE

 

Joe here uses moth balls to store his uniform

 

JOE

Why should I share it with the moths?

 

VINCE
 

No insult intended but you’re stinking up my bar. Wouldn’t hurt to go and air yourself out a bit. You paying cash, Joe, he asked hopefully

 

JOE

Put it on my tab. Mike here’s as cheap as they come. You’d think for a special occasion he’d spring for a round but noooo….  that would be asking too much for his old friend

 

VINCE
 

Nice if one of you would pay cash for a change. Joe - your tab goes back more than a year. Let’s see here …you owe me $1500.34. I’m feeling generous today so drop the thirty-four cents and make an even $1500

 

JOE

You’re all heart. Where d’ya expect me to find that kind of money on my service pension?

 

VINCE

At least give me something towards it. Anything! I have bills to pay, too, y’know

 

JOE

Next check. I’ll give you a couple of bucks. May have to give up some food items and my dog here will have to get used to eating just a few days a week…

 

VINCE

Why don’t you lay on the guilt a bit more. Listen - about your Daisy… You know I’ve never objected to you bringing her here. She’s a good dog and I like her a lot but as I said, dogs aren’t allowed in bars. I’ve closed my eyes up until now but there’s a new inspector and word has it that he goes by the letter of the law

 

JOE

She’s a service dog. Aren’t you girl?

 

                                    Daisy picks up her head responding to hearing her name

 

She goes where I go. Calms my nerves and watches out for me

 

MIKE

How old is she, anyway? Getting’ on in years

 

JOE

What’s the difference? She’s there when I need her

 

VINCE

She better be legally registered when or if the inspector comes ‘round

 

JOE

Don’t worry ‘bout my Daisy. I’ll just explain there’s extenuating circumstances

 

VINCE

Don’t say I didn’t warn you

 

JOE

Mac’s supposed to meet us here

 

MIKE

Seriously? The man doesn’t drive and uses a walker. How’s he getting here?

 

JOE

He wants to join us for Percy’s funeral

 

MIKE

Amazing. Never lets his condition stop him from doing anything. Sometimes I wonder how he gets around but he manages. Mind over matter I guess. It’s either that or give up and die. Mind you, sometimes when pain takes over, it don’t seem like such a bad idea

 

JOE

He just walked in. Poor guy can hardly move. ‘Over here, Mac!’

 

MIKE

None of us are peppy anymore, in case you hadn’t noticed. My glass is empty by the way

 

JOE

Yeah and? I bought last time

 

MIKE

So what. You owed me from all the rounds I bought before

 

JOE

It’s your turn, el cheapo!

 

MAC

(gasping to catch his breath)

Really…windy… out… there – and cold. Hope the wind… dies…down… for later. Hard to get around in this kind of weather, ‘specially with my walker. What times the funeral, anyway?

 

MIKE

You really planning to attend, Mac? Not trying to discourage you or anything but it’ll be hard pushing your walker on grass and that wind…

 

MAC

I’ll manage. Old Percy was one of the last few members of our group. He deserves our respect and he’d do the same for any of us. Can’t believe he’s gone… Really cold out

 

JOE

You look like an ice cube and your hands are blue. Why didn’t you wear gloves? How’d you get here, anyway?

 

MAC

By bus. Took me forty-five minutes if you don’t count standing at the bus stop waiting for twenty minutes. Damn busses never stick to their schedule

 

MIKE

You shouldn’t even be out in this cold. Didn’t the doctor warn you to stay home in extreme temperatures. This sure qualifies

 

JOE

What’s in the package?

 

MAC

Got a treat for Daisy

 

                                    MAC takes a bone out of a bag

 (cont’d. MAC) Found it in the trash in back of the supermarket on the way here. Look at it – a perfectly good bone with lots of meat. Probably even good enough for us to eat. You should see all the food they toss out there. Fruit and veggies with a couple of bruises and piles of bread. Cakes too!

 

                                    DAISY struggles to get up as MAC gives her the bone

 

MIKE

The dog eats better than we do. You… don’t take things from the trash…do you?

 

MAC

I personally don’t but what if I did? There are people in third world countries that wouldn’t think twice about eating it. ‘There you go Daisy. A perfectly good bone for you. Enjoy. ’Ouch…trouble standing up…back is out again. Stupid bus trip didn’t help none

 

JOE

Why didn’t you take a cab?

 

MAC

You hav’ta be kidding. Like I can afford a taxi? I’m here now so stop jabbering and order me something warm. No – make that hot. Gonna be freezing at the cemetery for sure. Not too many people will show up ‘specially at our age

 

MIKE

There ain’t that many at our age, left. We don’t get to choose the kind of weather t’get buried. Funeral’s called for noon. No uniform?

MAC

Can’t do up the buttons, hands shake that badly. At least I’m wearing my cap

 

 

  

Hanging in there - playing around

At long last, "Old Soldiers" has left the building in a manner of speaking. After choosing an ending to this play that has been in the creative process for more than a year, I finally bid it a fond adieu, wished it well and submitted it to the BBC International Playwriting Competition.

As people reading this blog are aware, the play had its beginning as a short story that evolved into play based on the strength of its main character, Joe McKenna. There was something about Joe that begged to be explored further as described in a blurb taken from the synopsis:

"As an ex army man and soldier, 85-year old Joe McKenna is a man of habit. He is a widower whose only companionship is his 12-year old dog, Daisy. The aging process has taken its toll physically and emotionally, turning him into an embittered man full of resentment towards society and what he perceives to be life's injustices. He is a lonely soul with too much time to think about the past and knowing that the future will leave him dependent on the kindness of others."

As a play, Joe was joined by three ex-army buddies along with some other interesting characters that helped propel the story along. Having never written for radio, the big challenge was to incorporate sound effects. In any case, Joe's fate - and mine - are in the hands of the judges since the competition closed on January 31st.

Meanwhile, another play, "Retribution" is taking an interesting turn. Submitted it to the Sundog Theatre, "... a performing arts organization in Staten Island that provides entertainment for adults and children in the form of contemporary and original theatre." It was selected to be part of a play reading series - all being well - to take place in summer. The drama focuses on Sue Ellen Parker, a hairdresser, who exacts revenge for a horrific past crime committed against her in the past. Must have re-written this play at least a dozen times until it felt "right."

At present, I'm at the finishing stage of completing "Neighbors" a comedy, two-act play that had its beginning as a 10 minute play. The story line focuses on two neighbors and their long-standing feud over what one believes to be the erroneous placement of shrubs, which divide both their properties. Very enjoyable to write and with definite production potential. Will put it to sleep for a while and then re-read it and start the re-writing process. Amazing what time can do for one's perspective. I've completed plays that I thought couldn't be improved only to realize that the content was garbage, which in turn caused a complete re-write of the play(s).

As usual, will keep readers of this blog and/or others who drop by from time-to-time updated.

Playwright's update: a conversation with the playwright

The playwright, daring to feel somewhat upbeat and hopeful, shares her playwriting progress.

"So Eleanor - what's the latest on your playwriting projects and more specifically, you-know-who?"

Very pleased to be able to report that Joe and the gang are no longer in limbo. They have paid their bar bill and have returned to leading more normal and completed lives. Having gone through so many changes over the years, they are questioning what to do.

"I've completed my mission but feel something is missing," Joe told the guys during a get-together at their favorite watering hole, to discuss the experience.

"She took us in so many directions that I was getting dizzy," Mac added, finishing his beer and allowing a loud burp to escape. "Now why did I do that? My inner motivation is missing and now I'm forced to make decisions on my own."

"That is like...so disgusting," Mike said. "You would never do that in the past."

"Only if I was directed to do so. Life has become more complicated these days."

The only remaining task before hitting the "submit" button is to number the pages. Converting "Old Soldiers" from a short story into a radio play, a completely alien medium for me, has been a challenge to say the least. It meant having to lengthen the story and give each of the characters their own personalities. There were a number of re-writes and endings but it's over. Hopefully.

"What about your other projects?"

Progress in this area also having submitted "Retribution" to a theatre and now comes the inevitable wait to hear back one way or the other. I'm also checking into theatres for a good fit for my two two-act plays, which have been languishing in limbo for a while, now. I'm also toying with and thinking about (a good start) writing a play based on childhood experiences and characters. We'll have to see which direction to take and where the focus should be.

Arthur Miller shared at some point, "A playwright lives in an occupied country and if you can't live that way, you don't stay."

Joe McKenna and all my other characters waiting for show time would agree.

The 'Old Soldiers' are in the final phase and saying their last goodbyes

Well it's about time, Joe McKenna and his soldier friends would comment, upon learning that the story is  winding down - or up depending on the way one views it. There's still plenty of time left before the BBC International Playwriting Competition deadline but given my propensity for procrastinating, I've been focusing my efforts on streamlining the dialogue and working on the plot line.

One of my concerns, other than sound effects, is using radio format but thanks to Google, found a site that supplied an example of how a radio script should be written. The script, as it is now, is written as a play but according to the site, there will have to be some changes.

Reading the lines over silently to myself, it seems to flow well but the story line may have to be lengthened to accommodate the radio format, which shortens the page count. Doesn't really change things since the ending will be that much more dramatic. Before submitting it, I'll actually read it out loud and time it.

The play content is a mix of drama mixed with humor to break up the tension. The quartet of Vets have been there, seen that and are at the point in their lives where they accept death as the final battle and the end to their painful physical decline. They cling to each other for moral support, commiserating life's 'downs' and celebrating their 'highs.'

In fact, somebody overheard the guys getting ready to say their final goodbyes at the local bar.

JOE
Well - it's almost over. Won't be long, now

MIKE
What's almost over? What are you babbling on about?

JOE
She's nearing the end

MAC
You mean -

JOE
- Yup

AL
Who told you?

JOE
If anybody knows what's going on, it's me. Take my word for it

MAC
She's been nearing the end how many times now?

JOE
This time it's serious. We better drink up, make our final toasts and get ready to say our goodbyes

AL
What's going to happen to us after "The End"?

JOE
With luck and some positive action taken on her part, we'll become famous and become household
names in the theatre world

MIKE
Hey! That ain't so bad!

JOE
Let's celebrate in honor of the final scene. Mike - didn't you say you were buying? 'Bartender - a round for me and my best friends, here'

JOE, MIKE, AL, MAC (together)
(holding up their glasses)
To the final scene!

Re-thinking about re-tooling and re-evaluating

Second-guessing is not a good idea, especially when dealing with an established story line. As shared here in this blog ad nauseum, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to editing my plays. Actually, one play in particular ("you couldn't be referring to 'Old Soldiers' now, could you, Eleanor?") which could be but not necessarily so, depending on yet another read-through evaluation of the story line and dialogue flow.

The reason for this conclusion came as a result of a sleepless night and for whatever reason - it's better than counting sheep - started thinking about the characters in my various plays and whether they are believable. It's been my experience that the lack of sleep precipitates my old friend, creeping doubt, to make its presence known. The play, as anyone who has followed the saga of writing and finishing 'Old Soldiers' knows, has had many incarnations and updates. The uncertainty last night was that maybe the original story line, is in the end, the best one after all.

This conclusion was reached at two-thirty a.m. until four a.m. in the morning while staring up at the ceiling. That's when self-doubt works best providing visual images of the characters playing out their scenes. Questions arose to the surface as to the various re-writes and incarnations and the rationale behind making changes.

Issues like whether or not Daisy the dog character is relevant and is her inclusion necessary? What would happen if she was dropped? Given that the dog is featured in one scene only, does it play an integral part of the whole? More importantly, would Daisy be insulted?

"Why drop me?" Daisy would most likely ask if she could. "After everything that Joe and I have been through, together, over many years, my contribution is important."

In the first copy of the play, there was interesting verbal inter-action between Joe and a bus driver discussing the reason for Joe's trip. It was subsequently dropped in later re-writes but I'm toying with the idea of writing it in, again. My thoughts behind this is that perhaps it would provide more background information on the character.

When sleep finally took over, I was no further ahead than before other than the conclusion that this is a really good play - if it's ever really finished. Whether that feeling of not one more word can be added or deleted will ever be experienced.

And there-in lays the problem.

Looking back to look forward

During my daily check-in of my various blogs, somehow this blog always makes me feel guilty. There is always a lengthy gap between updates because, basically, I'm a procrastinator. My writing is always full of big intent but then for whatever reason, it passes and rather than force a personal confrontation, it falls by the wayside.

"So what have you been doing, Eleanor?" you might be wondering.

I've finally decided on an ending to "Old Soldiers" but now I'm having doubts as to whether pursue this play, given its subject being an aging, very-old soldier who wants to make his last stand count. Although there is no violence, recent turn of events are making me think twice about its suitability.

Here we have Joe McKenna, a man who did his part for his country, saw action in WWII and now as an aging, frail veteran with a failing body, wants to make a point, a plea actually, on behalf of all vets. It's the culmination of his desire to leave his mark and an unexpected meeting with two strangers that influences the final outcome. Throughout the play, there is comic relief with the interaction of Joe and his buddies. Thing is...I love the dialogue and the premise of the play.

Having not read, "The Lemon", a 20-minute comedy play-ette I wrote a while back (why are all my plays in the "written a while back" state?) for a while, I'm attempting to turn it into a one-act play. Also planning to work on another started-but-semi-abandoned play, "Dead Writes" in which I've written three scenes.

In the way of positivity and progress, I've submitted my one act play, "Retribution" to a theatre and hoping that it will meet with an acceptance. Not saying/writing anymore about it because I'm superstitious and it could jinx the end result.

Hopefully, the next update will be sooner than later but one never can predict these things. Most likely... Maybe... Soon for sure...

BBC International Playwriting Competition for 2013???

A short blog entry (where have you read that before?).

As shared here ad nauseum, I've been making a concerted effort to finish my "Old Soldiers" play that I started three years ago. It was and still is my hope to enter it in the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition this year. However - it's always the 'howevers' in life that get in the way - can't find any link to a 2013 version being held.

Thing is...I'm almost finished the play at last and if the competition isn't being held this year, it will be a real downer. I mean, the play could always be submitted somewhere else but this competition has always been a personal challenge for me having never written for radio. There is still the concern that there's a lack of sufficient sound effects but I was (and am still, hopefully) going to go for broke and enter.

Just came back from the competition site in the hope of seeing the new deadline listed but to no avail. This does not bode well since the deadline is usually early Spring. Oh well... I'm still determined to finish it after which I'll 'put it to bed' for a while followed by a period of tweaking and finally hitting the 'submit' key.

Meanwhile, time is marching on. Joe and his friends would understand.

Joe McKenna has run into a problem and the playwright is angsting

I'm in angst - again.

In spite of a concerted effort to finish my "Old Soldiers" play in the hope of entering it in the BBC International Playwriting Competition, I've encountered a new and unexpected problem. Content is fine. Flow is fine. Story line is interesting.

"Now what, Eleanor?" Joe is asking me. "How much longer are you going to keep us waiting? We ain't gettin' any younger."

I know, Joe! I know!

Today for whatever reason, I decided to check the rules in as far as the number of pages and characters allowed.

"All scripts submitted must be a minimum of 45 pages of A4 paper (or equivalent) and a maximum of 65 pages (note, a rough guide is a minute per page; please read and time your play before you send it). The play should have a maximum of six central characters (there may be up to 3 small "doubling" characters too, who don’t have more than a few lines each). Your script must be accompanied by a short synopsis which outlines the complete story of the play. This must be no more than 400 words."

The way that I view it, there could be and then again, maybe not, more than six main characters. Thing is...it's all in one's definition of "main characters." Do main characters re-occur throughout the play? How does one define a "minor character?" There are, give or take a character, nine characters in total. The play opens with the four old army buddies, who definitely fall into the main character category. Then there are other lesser but not necessarily main characters who come-and-go but contribute to the over-all plot of the play. Eliminating one or two in my mind, would ruin the flow of the play. Everyone has a part to play - excuse the pun.

I've reached the 45 page mark, which is in itself an accomplishment. Really in a quandry as to how to proceed. Usually, when in doubt, I would send off an e-mail and ask for a clarification but after a check on the BBC site, this isn't an option. Maybe the best thing to do is to finish the play, submit it and put it in the hands of fate. Do I have a choice?

Old Soldiers are calling me again...and again...

A few months ago - maybe longer - vowing to finish the Old Soldiers play to anyone reading this blog who has kept up with this continuing procrastination, I'm still no further ahead.

"This is not news, Eleanor!" you're probably saying or thinking to yourself.

The play, forever in the 'unifinished-but-almost-there-file', based on a short story written a while back, has a magical effect on my psyche and although it has frequently been put on hold, the old soldier "gang" is always present, calling me.

"So when are you finally going to give us some type of resolution?" the characters asks me regularly, just before falling asleep at night."We've been in limbo for years now."

Don't I know it!

The dilemma is deciding upon a plethora of endings and possibilities, and which one would be best suitable for dramatic impact. The characters themselves are well defined and no tinkering is necessary in this area.

"You've changed directions so often, we're all getting dizzy!"old Joe scolds me whenever I'm reading over added dialogue. "You have to make a decision and stick to it."

Easier said or written than actually accomplished. There are so many possible endings and the dilemma is choosing the right one. 'Right one' key words here.

Then there is the issue of writing for radio, a challenge in itself.

Radio requires sound effects to propel the story along and although my dialogue is strong (IMHO), not sure whether there is sufficient sound or action. When writing the dialogue, I hear the characters speak and envision their movements but the challenge is how to translate this into audible action.

In any case and for no other reason than to force myself to make a decision, I've decided to make a choice and live with it, good or bad. Since the next deadline would be next April (2013), there is time to work out the details. Maybe too much time in my case...

The angst of indecision!

Will provide regular updates as to my progress. Where and when have you read that before?

The "Old Soldiers" keeps marching along, slowly but surely.

"Old Soldiers" status update for those who have been keeping up with the continuing saga of a writer attempting to finish her short play.

Added some more dialogue/content to the play, yesterday. Read the play through in its entirety and it definitely held my interest. As expected, there were some necessary small - accent on the small - adjustments to be made. Still not sure if the play is adaptable for radio, though. That decision will be made once the play is completed.

The play is taking on a life of its own and the latest revision is leading me in a different direction. I've already changed the ending a few times in my mind and the latest update is giving me food for thought and something to chew on (sorry about the puns). I'm at the point where Joe (main character) has had a fateful meeting with two new characters, who could change his mind-set about his self-appointed task.  One of the new characters is a young boy and I want to use him as a positive influence.

Meanwhile, I'm sort-of using his army buddies as a comic foil tagging along for the ride unbeknownst to Joe. Given their friendship and shared past, it seems only logical that they would be part of the conclusion.

Thing is...the writing comes in spurts as my muse dictates. Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't but when it does as I've frequently shared, it's magic!

Just reading over "Old Soldiers" to evaluate the remaining dialogue to be written and experienced that "I like this!" click in my head. I've already shared some of the play in this blog before but since I'm feeling mellow and pleased with myself, here is another taste of the play.

To set up the scene: Joe and his friends are waiting for the arrival of Al, who is supposed to join them. They are getting increasingly concerned and speculating as to the reason for his not being there yet. Chuck is the bartender. Comments always welcome, by the way.

JOE

Does anyone know Al’s last name? I’ll go look it up in the phone book.

‘Hey Chuck – where’s your phone directory?’

BARTENDER (CHUCK)

Don’t have one anymore

JOE

Whad’ya mean you don’t have a phone directory? What do you do when you when you want someone’s phone number? Guess?

BARTENDER

People have cell phones these days

JOE

Not everyone uses them there fancy cell phones, y’know! I don’t! They don’t! In any case, you still need t’know a number now and then

BARTENDER

Cell phone has all that information stored. Phone…text…it’s all there

JOE

Always inventing new contraptions so’s they have an excuse to charge more. How am I supposed to find out this guy’s phone number? He don’t own a cell phone!

MAC

I read somewhere that regular type phones will be a museum piece, soon. We’ll all hav’ta go to them eventually, I suppose

BARTENDER

Here – gimme the guy’s name and I’ll look it up for you

MAC

That little thingie has a phone book, too? How do they fit all those numbers in that little phone?

BARTENDER

Yup. So what’s your friend’s name?

JOE

Al…Al Springer

MAC

He lives on Green Avenue…or was it White…a color anyway

JOE

Some help you are

MIKE

I think he moved 6 months ago. Don’cha remember him saying he was moving to the veterans hospital?

JOE

He’s been sayin’ that for years

MIKE

Maybe he finally did! Did you find the number?

BARTENDER

…Springer, Flo…Springer, Jack… No Al Springer

JOE

Course not! He don’t own a cell phone! That’s why he’s not there!

BARTENDER

His number would be listed, anyway

MIKE

How we gonna find out? Maybe – and I don’t wanna think about it… Maybe he…like…died and we missed his funeral. We should’a been in touch with him earlier. At our age, we should stay in touch with each other every day

JOE

Listen – if he passed – I would know about it. I’ve been reading the obits every day for 50 years.

MIKE

Then where is he?

MAC

Maybe he died and they just buried him in an un-marked grave

JOE

Little bluebird of happiness aren’t we?

MAC

You never know

JOE

Like you/said, maybe he moved into the vet hospital or – whatever

MAC

What happens if…he’s like - homeless, living on the street?

JOE

Oh fer… Why would he be living on the street if he has an apartment?

MAC

Maybe things changed. Maybe he ran out’ta money or something

JOE

And you think I’m negative?

MIKE

Lemme see that cell thingie? Geesh – it’s so light and small. Aren’t you afraid you’re gonna lose it or it’ll drop outta your pocket?

MAC

Wanna try mine?

JOE

An old fart like you turning trendy at 81? Little too late for that

MAC

Why can’t you be happy for me? You’re never happy about anything for anyone. Complain…complain…

JOE

I calls it like I sees it. If you can’t stand to hear the truth…

MAC

Imagine carrying this around with you and being able to talk whenever you feel like it, anywhere. You could even talk and pee at the same time

JOE

If I wanna speak to somebody that badly, it’ll wait. No privacy these days. Where’s the dial buttons? I don’t see any

MAC

Right there

JOE

Those are the buttons? They’re okay if you’re a midget or a kid

MAC

Hey! Look who walked through the door, alive and kicking. Well alive, anyway.

JOE

You could’a called! We thought the worst

AL

I’m here, ain’t I? Won’t be long, anyway, ‘til I join old Percy, the way I feel lately

MIKE

You had us worried to death you croaked and we missed your funeral.

JOE

That would be too logical for him to tell us he’s gonna be late. He’d rather make a grand entrance like always

AL

What grand entrance? Dragging my aching old body around?

JOE

You still didn’t tell us why you’re late

AL

I was conversing with my landlady and lost track of time. Something wrong with that?

JOE

Would this be the same landlady that struts around in a see-through negligee? How old is she, anyway? Seventy-five? Gravity failed her a long time ago!

AL

Age is just a state of mind. You’re just jealous ‘cause you ain’t got anybody special. Who’d wanna be with someone like you, Joe, who hates the world?

MAC

Al – you are one sneaky and horny bastard

MIKE

(laughing and coughing)

Maybe horny in his head but not where it counts!

AL

You’re all jealous of me! I wasn’t missing in action, if you get my drift

JOE

The only action you’ll see is in your dreams

AL

Think so? I’ll have you know…

MAC

Spare us the images. Can I have my cell phone back, now?

JOE

I was just about to hand it over. You think I was gonna steal it?

MAC

You could accidentally slip it into your pocket

JOE

Gimme a break! Whad’ya need one for, anyway? Most everyone we know has passed and those who are left are non compos mentis in retirement homes

MIKE

What’ll it be, Al? Joe’s paying so make it expensive

AL

I’ll pass. Sheila made me one of those fancy coffees. Cappa…cappo…whatever

JOE

Sheila is?

AL

Sheila – my landlady. We like to discuss things over a coffee

JOE

Strictly talking I’m guessing

AL

Okay. Here’s the truth. We had wild sex and she couldn’t get enough of my body. What’s it your business? I’m here – that’s all that matters. If Joe’s paying – I’ll have that drink

MIKE

‘Bartender – a drink for my friend, here’

JOE

What am I? Chopped liver? Where you living, anyway?

MAC

Didn’t you say you were moving to a Vet hospital?

AL

Same place. I always wanted to move but somehow, it never happened. It’s like the end of the line when you go there

MIKE

But you need help, Al. At least there’s therapists and people who could make your life easier

AL

Meanwhile, as long as there’s life in this here body, I’ll live on my own. Anyway, I have a cleaning lady come in once a week to help

JOE

I reserved a table for us over there in the corner

AL

So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?