Scenes from Life: a Short Playette THE CHERRY PICKER

SCENES FROM LIFE:  A SHORT PLAYETTE

THE CHERRY PICKER

by Eleanor Tylbor

 

SCENE:   PRODUCE DEPT. OF SUPERMARKET. PEOPLE ARE GATHERED AROUND A DISPLAY OF CHERRIES

AT RISE: A WOMAN APPROACHES THE CHERRY DISPLAY, STOPS AND STUDIES THE PEOPLE GATHERED AROUND

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

Excuse me…um…can I get in here?

 (people ignore her)

 

(cont’d).  FEMALE SHOPPER

Excuse me, people…could you make space for me?

 (people continue to ignore her)

 

(cont’d.)  FEMALE SHOPPER

Hello? Earth to cherry pickers! An outsider would like to join you all!

 

(FEMALE SHOPPER moves her shopping cart forward and gently runs into someone)

 

CHERRY PICKER 1

Ouch! That hurt!

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

I tried asking politely to get close to the counter but everyone seemed deaf to my request, so I had to take things in my own hands or with my shopping cart as the case may be

 

CHERRY PICKER 1

You could have tapped me on the shoulder, y’know

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

Would it have made any difference?

 

CHERRY PICKER 1

Probably not but you could have tried

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

Good price for cherries. Guess that’s why there’s so many people hanging out here. Hmmmm…where are the plastic bags. ‘Anybody tell me where the plastic bags are?’ Anyone want to give an opinion?

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

(mouth full of cherries and oozing juice)

…are…none…left… Have to…ask…manager for…more…bags

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

Are those cherries you have in your mouth?

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

…uh-huh…

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

Would it be presumptuous of me to assume you didn’t pay for them?

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

…hav’ta taste them, first…

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

You do realize that in some circles that would be considered stealing

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

Everybody does it

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

And that makes it right? What are you doing! Did you just spit out that cherry pit back into the display?

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

Yeah…I mean, I didn’t wanna dirty the floor or anything. Somebody could slip and hurt themselves. Anyway, everybody does it

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

But…your saliva has germs, which you are depositing on the cherries

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

What else am I supposed to do with the pits?

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

You could refrain from tasting the cherries or at the very least put them in your pocket and take them home with you or something

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

Everyone else is doing it. Check out the display

 

(FEMALE SHOPPER looks down at the display of cherries)

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

Oh Gawd! |You’re right! To think I was about to put my hand inside there

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

You’re in luck. Here comes the produce manager with a roll of new plastic bags

 

PRODUCE MANAGER

‘Okay everyone -  move aside! I’m gonna clean up all the cherry pits at the bottom! Not healthy.’

 

CHERRY PICKER 2

Aren’t you going to take a bag for cherries?

 

FEMALE SHOPPER

Somehow I’ve lost my taste for them. There’s a sale on strawberries on the other counter, if only I can get near it…

Scenes from Life: a Short Playette. AT THE SUPERMARKET

NOT ALL BREAD IS EQUAL

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET.

A shopper approaches a display of French bread (baguette), squeezes them and shakes her head


CUSTOMER
Not fresh

Bakery clerk with French accent dressed in white shirt, pants, big white apron approaches. Stops and studies customer, hands on hips

BAKERY CLERK
Is there something wrong?

CUSTOMER
There could be

BAKERY CLERK
I see you squeezing my bread. Do you do this to your husband?

CUSTOMER
Come again?

BAKERY CLERK
I say...do you touch your husband in the same manner as you squeeze all my baguettes?

CUSTOMER
Your what?

BAKERY CLERK
My baguettes...the bread, madam. If the legal authorities were looking for you, they would have no trouble in finding your fingerprints. They are right there in all my breads

CUSTOMER
Your breads?

BAKERY CLERK
I bake the breads, madam. I am the one responsible for their safety

CUSTOMER
Of course you are and I'm the one responsible for eating them. So...like...when did you bake these?

BAKERY CLERK
See those ovens over there? That's where it all begins. Every morning they bring me the frozen bread and I very carefully place them in the oven. Not too high a heat, mind you, or they burn.

CUSTOMER
Gee - ovens make bread. Go figure

BAKERY CLERK
Yes, this is true. This oven there (pats oven), she make beautiful baguette. Sometimes, she baaaad and burn bread.

CUSTOMER
This baking French bread 101 is all very interesting but you still haven't answered my question. When did you bake this bread?

BAKERY CLERK
(shocked tone)
You are accusing me of selling stale bread, madam?

CUSTOMER
It feels sort-of stale to me

BAKERY CLERK
Madam. You have hurt me deeply. Every day, including holidays, I bake the baguette. People expect fresh bread. I take this responsibility very seriously.

CUSTOMER
You still didn't give me an answer

BAKERY CLERK
(voice breaking - picks up cloth from baking pan and blows nose)
...every day, mind you, including weekends...holidays... I am a trained French baguette maker...I take special course at the National Baguette Baking School of Paris and Cannes sur la Seine

CUSTOMER
Really. I'm not casting aspersions on your character or your baking ability. I'm sure you're a top baguette baker...

BAKERY CLERK
...I arrive number one in my class

CUSTOMER
Good. Let me put it this way: from which basket do you recommend that I take my bread? Basket one...basket two...or basket three? Gawd - I feel like I'm on a game show

BAKERY CLERK
(looking around)
Come close. The one on the far right - keep it between you and me

Customer reaches over, takes a bread with her hand and drops it

CUSTOMER
Why didn't you warn me the bread was hot?

BAKERY CLERK
You didn't ask me that question. Am I a mind reader? I'm a simple baguette baker from Paris...

Barbie goes Christmas shopping at the mall

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
A continuing saga of life among the plastic people

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AT THE MALL

SCENE: BARBIE'S MANSION. BARBIE is absorbed in writing her Christmas/holiday gift list. The ever-present, GI Joe hovers nearby, hiding behind furniture

BARBIE
(her body in a semi up-right position, accross a chair)
So hard to write up my Christmas gift list like this. If only I was more flexible...

G.I. JOE
(darting out from behind the couch)
You're flexible where it counts, babe

BARBIE
Will you stop hiding behind furniture, Joe, and put down your stupid weapon. Bend me at the waist, please?

(Joe bends BARBIE at the waist)

(BARBIE cont'd) Now, just move my arm up a little and bend my wrist slightly...

(G.I. Joe attempts to move BARBIE's arm and it comes out of its socket)

G.I. JOE
Whoops...don't know my own strength

BARBIE
You've done it again! Now push it back in the arm pit hole...gently now... Joe - the arm is upside down now...

G.I. JOE
Holes are my specialty, y'know!

BARBIE
Don't I know it. I don't need air conditioning with all those openings you've created in my walls. You're totally uncontrollable

G.I. JOE
Thanks. I know. It ain't easy but I manage

BARBIE
So many people to buy for - so little time. Now we have to go to the mall, Joe. Like...try and act normal, 'kay? I don't want a repeat of last year's shopping disaster. Like...frisking all the sales clerks in the lingerie stores?

G.I. JOE
Can't take any chances, babe. The enemy is everywhere besides I bought some of them panty hose, didn't I? Y'know - they're real comfy-like. A little tight around the...

BARBIE
We're meeting up with the Bratz girls so I want you to be on your best behavior. Help me me stand up. It's not easy being a world-wide fashion icon with an unbendable body

G.I. JOE
Your body looks just fine to me, babe. Here - gimme your hand...

(G.I. Joe pulls BARBIE's hand and she goes flying accross the room. Her head pops out along the way)

BARBIE
Now you've really done it!

G.I. JOE
Thanks. It was nothing

BARBIE
Truly! Now gently pick up my head and place it on top of my neck. Don't push down so hard. Ohmygawd! You've messed up my beautiful, blond hair. Bend my arm so I can fix it. Is there no end to the chaos you create?

G.I. JOE
When it comes to chaos - I'm the best at that. By the way - what does chaos mean?

BARBIE
Look at the time! Go bring the jeep around

(the door bell rings)

(BARBIE cont'd.) Like...who could that be? I'm not expecting anyone. We're never going to get to the mall

G.I. JOE
(grabbing his machine gun and hiding behind the couch)
Don't worry, babe. I got'chu covered

BARBIE
Your paranoia is too much

G.I. JOE
Thanks - it ain't easy but I manage. Got it all here (he points to his head)

BARBIE
Like...really devoid of thought

(BARBIE hops to answer the door)

G.I. JOE
Thanks again

BARBIE
Ken! What are you doing here?

KEN
(holding a surf board)
Hi Barbie! It's me, Ken!

BARBIE
Like...I know who you are, Ken. What are you doing here and are you ever planning to get dressed?

KEN
Hav'ta be prepared for the big waves. I'm here to spend the holidays with you

BARBIE
Just what I need

KEN
I know. We're meant to be together

(G.I. JOE jumps out from behind the couch)

G.I. JOE
Hands up! I heard the enemy might be planning something big. Gotta frisk you, stranger...

BARBIE
Joe - it's Ken. You know Ken!

G.I. JOE
Maybe it is and maybe it ain't

KEN
Let him frisk me. I've got nothing to hide.

BARBIE
Ain't that the truth!

KEN
Did I hear you say you're going to the mall? I love the mall. Santa is at the mall. Last year I asked him for a new surf board. It's going to be such fun. The three of us, together again! Just like the old days!

BARBIE
This is going to be one fun Christmas... Um - Ken...you hav'ta leave your surf board here. It won't fit into the jeep

KEN
But...me and Charlene here - we're a pair. Where I go - she goes

BARBIE
Charlene? You...named...your surf board?

KEN
(caressing the surface of the board)
We do everything together. She even sleeps with me. "I love you, Charlene"

BARBIE
Y'know Joe - you're looking better and better.. You can come Ken but Charlene... I mean, the surf board, stays here

KEN
"I'll be back, Charlene." She's so sensitive. I hav'ta be careful how I talk to her

BARBIE
(shaking her head)
Uh-huh ...sure you do. Now I remember why we broke up


THE THREE LEAVE FOR A TRIP TO THE MALL, G.I. JOE WALKING BACKWARDS, DARTING FROM SIDE-TO-SIDE. KEN WAVING GOOD BYE TO HIS SURF BOARD. BARBIE, WEARING SUN GLASSES, WALKS IN FRONT, HER HEAD DOWN

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - THE CHERRY DILEMMA


PLACE: SUPERMARKET, PRODUCE AREA. FEMALE SHOPPER STUDIES SHOPPER PICKING OUT CHERRIES, TASTING THEM AS HE PLACES THEM IN A PLASTIC BAG

FEMALE SHOPPER
Like cherries, huh?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Sorry?

FEMALE SHOPPER
I doubt that... So you really like cherries? Me too

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
These are particularly good. Nice and firm..

(male shopper takes two and slowly eats them, spitting out cherry pit on ground)

FEMALE SHOPPER
You seem to take great care in choosing just the right one's

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Only choose those that are firm to the touch

FEMALE SHOPPER
I see that. And you determine that by squeezing them all, I guess?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
(eating another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
It's the only way

FEMALE SHOPPER
Aren't you worried that they're not washed or anything. You know - germs from people's hands

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
I wipe them on my clothes before tasting them (tasting another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
Hmmmmmm...really good

FEMALE SHOPPER
Sweet are they?

MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Uh-huh! Very! Here - try one! Look at the time - gotta run!

(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER TIES PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES OFF. FEMALE SHOPPER IS IN CASH LINE UP BEHIND CHERRY CHOOSER. SUPERMARKET CHECK-OUT CASHIER WEIGHS CHERRIES)

CASHIER
These look good enough to eat!

FEMALE SHOPPER
Oh he knows!

(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER LOOKS EMBARRASSED)

(CONT'd) Before you punch in the numbers, perhaps you should add another dollar to the total

CASHIER
I'm sorry?

FEMALE SHOPPER
By my estimate, this cherry lover must have sampled at least a dozen or two cherries that I saw him eating before finding the perfect one's for his bag. So perhaps you should factor in those dozen in his bill?

CHERRY CHOOSER
I...was just...tasting them to... um...make sure they're good...

FEMALE SHOPPER
Of course you did. We all love cherries, but who pays for those that are sampled, huh? We do!

CHERRY CHOOSER
Well...um...

CASHIER
You do have a point...nobody has ever brought this up before... Perhaps I should call the manager

FEMALE SHOPPER
No need to do that.

(FEMALE SHOPPER PRODUCES CLEAR PLASTIC PRODUCE BAG WITH CHERRY PITS INSIDE AND HOLDS THEM UP)

CONT'D. FEMALE SHOPPER
Let's see here...I count two dozen cherry pits that I picked up off the floor

CHERRY PICKER
Hey! How d'ya know they're all mine!

FEMALE SHOPPER
I watched where you spit them out and picked them up with a plastic produce bag. I mean, really, it's quite disgusting

(mumbles emitted by shoppers in line waiting to pay)

SHOPPER IN LINE
"...e-eww! You actually picked up his pits? That is like, soooo disgusting!"

ANOTHER SHOPPER IN LINE
"...the guy was stealing cherries...that's disgusting"

(A HEATED DEBATE ENSUES AMONG THOSE LINED UP REGARDING THE CHERRY PICKER AND THE MORALITY OF TASTING CHERRIES)

CHERRY PICKER
(leaning over and speaking softly to the cashier)
Just tell me how much extra I owe you and lemme get outta here

CASHIER
Fifty cents and we're even

FEMALE SHOPPER
(opens another clear plastic produce bag)
Now about those grapes you were tasting...

SCENES FROM LIFE
At the Pharmacy - The Lineup part III

SCENE: A PHARMACY. A LINE OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR ITEMS. A MAN AND A WOMAN IN THEIR 60'S STAND IN LINE WITH A SHOPPING CART FILLED WITH TOILET PAPER AND KLEENEX/TISSUES.

CASHIER

Sorry - only two packages per customer. See the sign, there?

(m/w have a discussion and analyze the situation

CASHIER (cont'd.)

Tell you what - I could make two bills, which will allow you to buy the specials

(another animated discussion lasting more than a minute between man and the woman. Man departs and woman waits while man gets shopping cart and travels up and down the aisles buying still more items before heading for cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(aside to cashier while watching couple unload the new items on to the counter)

How long will this take d'ya figure? 

CASHIER

Not too long - I hope. I still have to cancel the bill...

CASHIER (aside to couple)

'I'll cancel this bill and make up two new one's'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Why? Just make up one new bill for everything

CASHIER

(gesturing to items in cart)

Can't do that. They added more items

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

But we have to wait still longer if you make two bills. Some people (gestures with face to man/woman) have absolutely no consideration for the rights of others!

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMANCUSTOMER

Do you believe this?

(MAN removes items from shopping cart)

MAN

I changed my mind. I don't want these after all

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Say what? You're kidding, right?

CASHIER

Uh-oh...that means...

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please - don't say it - don't tell me you have to cancel the bill, again

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

This is incredible!

CASHIER

(to man/woman)

Are you sure that's it, now?

(WOMAN stares at MAN)

MAN

That's it. We really don't need all that toilet paper

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
Oh I don't know about that...

CASHIER

Can I make up the bill now?

MAN

You can add it all up

CASHIER

(folding cancelled cash slips)

Just a minute while I put these bills away... Okay. That will be a total of blah-blah

MAN

(searching the pockets in his pants, frantically)

Um - seems I left my wallet in the car. Sorry. I'll be back in a minute

(MAN rushes out of line and outside)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
(aside to cashier)

This is unbelieve! Let us go before them! We've waited long enough

CASHIER

Can't...

CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

...I know. You tallied their bill

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER

Such selfishness! Does he not realize how dangerous it is to leave a wallet in the car?

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Obviously not

(MAN rushes in, produces wallet, pays)

CASHIER

Do you have our pharmacy point card?

MAN

What's that?

(aside to CUSTOMER behind CUSTOMER behind MAN/WOMAN)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please don't ask him that!

MAN

How do I get this card? Do I get something for free?

CLERK

You have to fill out our application. Then you get points

MAN

Do you have an application form?

Aside to customers: 'This won't take long'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(loudly)

'Hello! Is there another cashier on duty? Customers need help - now!'

(another cashier arrives and opens a cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Thank goodness you opened. I mean, talk about being selfish..

CLERK

Um...there's a limit on how many soft drinks you can buy. Only 4 per customer

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Oh really? I didn't know that. Go know!

(turning to customer behind her)

(cont'd) 'Excuse me but would you mind buying me a few bottles of soft drink that I of course will pay for? It won't take long. I'll just run over there and get more bottles...be back in a sec..'.

SCENES FROM LIFE

THE LINE UP II - a short playette for a short encounter

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Supermarket. 8-items-or-less line, where three people are waiting to check out items. A female with a shopping cart attempts to go through

FEMALE
Um - excuse me?

Male in front appears not to hear her so she speaks a little louder

FEMALE
Excuse me! I'd like to pass?

Male glances at her, then quickly away

FEMALE attempts to go by but is unable, due to the man blocking her

FEMALE
The aisle is wide and I'm thin, but not enough to squeeze by. If you don't mind - could you move to the side?

the other two customers gladly move against the counter to allow the shopping cart & female to pass. Male mumbles something unintelliglble, pointing to the door

FEMALE
Look - I had to pee. Okay? I parked my shopping cart outside the door and now I have to get through here to shop. So if you'll step aside...

MALE
Go out and around!

FEMALE
Pardon? You expect me to take my cart, go outside and re-enter when all you have to do is move towards the side, which will take a mere 10 seconds? Not!

the two shoppers move against the counter, again to allow the cart to pass

FEMALE
I don't believe this!

MAN STANDING AT COUNTER NEARBY
Me neither! I've been watching the guy. Misery!

FEMALE
Are you going to let me by or not?

MAN stands defiantly in middle of checkout aisle

FEMALE stands leaning on shopping cart, glaring at man who up until this point has been taking his time packing his things in bags.

FEMALE
(as MAN moves by her)
You are just too kind and what a gentleman! I'll make sure to remember your face in case you want the same courtesy.

MAN STANDING NEARBY AT COUNTER
Oh he's a real nice guy, alright!

As MALE passes, FEMALE shopper moves her shopping cart forward and somehow rolls a wheel over his foot

FEMALE
Oh no! How clumsy of me! Just one foot, though. You still have another! And now to go shop for food...

PHONE TALK
SHORT PLAY/COMEDY SKETCH

by Eleanor Tylbor



SCENE: Cell phones ring. SELMA and ELAINE, two seniors, conduct their daily conversation with each other to discuss…life.

ELAINE
Hello? Selma?

SELMA
Who are you and how d’ya know my name?

ELAINE
Gee – just lucky I guess! Get real, woman! It’s me!

SELMA
You…who? I don’t speak to people with no name. Goodbye!

(SELMA hangs up. Phone rings again)

ELAINE
Why’d you hang up on me?

SELMA
You called? When did you call?

ELAINE
Just now. Selma – it was me who called!

SELMA
I thought the voice sounded familiar

ELAINE
Oh fer… You don’t recognize the voice of your sister after all these years? I mean, really

SELMA
You sounded different

ELAINE
(sniffing a few times)
That’s ‘cause I got a cold

SELMA
It is you, Elaine! Why didn’t you just say so?

ELAINE
I tried – God knows I tried! Moving right along…

SELMA

You're moving? You never told me!

ELAINE

(coughs)

I'm not moving. I meant...anyway

SELMA
You’re sick? Stay away from me!

ELAINE
I can always count on you to have a sympathetic ear. Listen – I gotta go put drops in my nose so I’ll call you back

SELMA
Are you sure you should be talking to me? I mean – you could spread germs through the phone. These days you never know. Don't take too long 'cause I'm going out

(Both hang up. Phones ring again)

SELMA
Hello?

ELAINE
It’s me again. Sorry – hadda take some new pills

SELMA
Oh? What kind?

SELMA
Go know! I take so many these days. Some for my sinus (she sniffs)…some for my throat (she coughs)… Yeah – lots of pills…

ELAINE
So what’s new?

SELMA
What could be new?

ELAINE
I dunno. That’s why I’m asking

(pause for 2 seconds)

SELMA
I lead a very boring life and most of it is spent in doctor’s waiting rooms

ELAINE
You? I have five appointments this week with five different doctors! Even they can’t find out what’s the matter with me

SELMA
Doctor Michaels sent me for tests, today

ELAINE
Your back?

SELMA
I never went away. Oh…you mean the problem with my crooked spine that pains me so badly? The pain, Elaine - the pain! What should I expect having Dr. Sadist treating me…that quack!

ELAINE
That’s a new doctor?

SELMA
That’s not his real name. I just call him that. He keeps prescribing me pills that don’t work. I tell him, ‘doctor – gimme something that works!’ but does he listen? You should never know such pain. I suffer Elaine – I suffer plennnnnty!

ELAINE
You think that I don’t know pain? My neck is so sore, I can’t turn my head anymore

SELMA
So? Look straight ahead. Nothing much happens on the sides anyway

ELAINE
I’m serious! The back doctor gave me some free pill samples to try but they don’t work

SELMA
What kind of pills?

ELAINE
Lemme think a minute…they’re yellow…phila…feeda…fadda…something like that. Anyway, what do you care? You don’t have back problems

SELMA
So what? Maybe they’d be good for my shoulder. (moaning) Ohhhhhhhh….such pain…

ELAINE
This is new. You never mentioned shoulder pain before. Maybe try acupuncture. Freda Smith tells me that she goes to that Swedish guy, Hans Offer and it worked miracles for her

SELMA
(laughing)
I’ve seen Offer and believe me – needles aren’t the only things he gives her if you know what I mean. Look at the time

ELAINE
You’ve got an appointment?

SELMA
That’s later. I’m off to the shopping mall. Big sale today

ELAINE
What about you shoulder…and your neck pain…

SELMA
What’s a little ache between the bargains. You know what they say – when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping. So you’ll be ready in 10 minutes?

ELAINE
Make it fifteen. And Selma – bring along some of those new yellow pills

GIMME SPACE
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

SCENE: A PHARMACY OR ANYWHERE, ACTUALLY. THREE PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO PAY FOR ITEMS AT THE CASH.

CUSTOMER 1
(placing item on counter along with umbrella)
Just going to put this down here... Ooops - didn't mean to crowd anyone

CUSTOMER 2
(directly behind)
No problem. I'll just move my items back a bit to give you some more room

CUSTOMER 1
Don't worry about it. It's only a jar of jam.

CUSTOMER 2
Is it good. I mean, have you had some before?

CUSTOMER 1
Nope. First time. It was on special at nine-nine cents. Mind you, it's only good for 10 more days...
CUSTOMER 2
Do you eat a lot of jam?

CUSTOMER 1
Depends on the day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Depends how jammy I'm feeling.

CUSTOMER 3
(in front of line)
I'm here!

CUSTOMER 1
Sorry?

CUSTOMER 3
I'm here, too.

CUSTOMER 1
I see

CUSTOMER 3
I need room for my things

CUSTOMER 1
O-kay...

CUSTOMER 3
Could you give me some room for my things, please?

CUSTOMER 1 looks at her for a few seconds, down at her items and moves the umbrella and jam away from CUSTOMER 3

CUSTOMER 3
Your umbrella is wet and it's touching my toilet paper!

CUSTOMER 1
That would be as a result of the pouring rain outside

CUSTOMER 3
You're making the counter wet

CUSTOMER 1
O-kay...sorry but the cashier is doing your items and you'll be outta here, soon

CUSTOMER 3
Still, your umbrella takes up a lot of space

CUSTOMER 1
I already removed it off the counter and moved back my jam so it won't touch your items

CUSTOMER 3
But you made the counter all wet

CUSTOMER 1
(putting hand in purse, produces Kleenex and wipes counter)
There! Allll gone!

CUSTOMER 3 grabs bag

CUSTOMER 3
There should be a sign posted telling people they can't put wet umbrellas on the counter!

CUSTOMER 3 storms out of store

CUSTOMER 1
Some people just gotta have their space!

(turns to CUSTOMER 2)

Oh gee - am I dripping water on your feet? I'm so sorry...here let me wipe them...

THE LINE UP
by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET. A LINE UP OF A DOZEN PEOPLE IN THE 8-ITEMS-OR-LESS ARE WAITING TO PAY FOR THEIR ITEMS. THE PERSON IN FRONT OF THE LINE IS COUNTING HER/HIS ITEMS WITH HIS FINGER



CASHIER
You have more than eight items, lady

WOMAN IN LINE
I know...it's only ten items...what's two items between friends, anyway?

CASHIER
(pointing to the sign indicating 8 items or less)
Ask the people behind you if it matters

(woman turns around and speaks to person directly behind her)

WOMAN IN LINE
Do you mind if I have two extra items? I'm in a rush

PERSON BEHIND WOMAN IN LINE
Actually...yes, I do mind! We're all in a rush. Aren't we, people?

(person behind woman in line turns around to address others in line)

PEOPLE IN LINE:
'I hav'ta get home and make supper for my family!'

'The babysitter is waiting to get paid!'

'You got some nerve, lady!'

CASHIER
See? They mind alright! Now if you'll go to one of the other lines...

WOMAN IN LINE
But... Okay. What if I remove say...one item?

CASHIER
That would make nine items. You'd still have one item too much. Please step aside...

PEOPLE IN LINE
Yeah - move out the line, lady!

WOMAN IN LINE
You are all so selfish. It's only one item for crying out loud!

CASHIER
Rules are rules! What kind of world would we have if we didn't obey rules, huh? Now if you'll move to another line

WOMAN IN LINE
(looking over items in cart)
Oh fer... Okay...let me take another item away...I need them all, though...

CASHIER
Would you like me to do it for you? Look lady - the line is getting longer as we speak...

WOMAN IN LINE
Maybe the ice cream... No - I need it for dessert...perhaps the asparagus spears...no - veggies are important...It's so hard to decide...

PERSON IN LINE
Here - lemme help (removes bottle of soft drink) There - that wasn't so hard!

WOMAN IN LINE
But what are we supposed to drink with our meal?

PERSON IN LINE
Good, old H2O! Look at that! I saved you money, too! You should thank me!

WOMAN IN LINE
I've made my decision! Give me back two items!

CASHIER
Like I told you -

WOMAN IN LINE
- yeah - I know. Eight items or less. Fine. I'm moving over to the other line where I'm legal.
(She move over to next line. Aside to person in front of her:) 'Excuse me madam but I'm running late. Would you mind if I just went in front of you? I'm running a little late.'