SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE

THE COFFEE QUANDARY

 

 

SCENE:  COFFEE SHOP. A HALF-DOZEN PEOPLE LINE UP TO ORDER COFFEE. PERSON ENTERS AND CREATES ANOTHER LINE, NEXT TO THE EXISTING LINE.

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Hello? We're all waiting to be served, too

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 IGNORES COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

(CONT'D.) COFFEE DRINKER 1

 'Scuse me but he line begins and ends here. Feel free to join us - at the back of course

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

I want a coffee! Nothing else

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Me too!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

You would make me go to the back of the line for one cup of coffee?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Why not? That's why we're here but we wait our turn!

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 reluctantly and slowly moves to back of line, talking to people as she walks,  shaking her head)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

This is so dumb! One lousy coffee that would take less than thirty seconds to order. Ridiculous!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Not really. A line up is a line up is a lineup. We all gotta abide by the rules. I mean, what would the world be like without structure. Utter chaos. Right people?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Y'know...I'm not in a rush. You can go before me

 

(steps aside to allow coffee drinker 2 to move up)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 4

Me too. Gotta lotta time to kill

(steps aside to allow COFFEE DRINKER 2 to move in front of her/him)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Thank you so very much for backing me up, people! This is a perfect example why the world is in the condition it's in. Nobody cares! Rules are the glue that solidifies civilization!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Give her a break! You're in front so why do you care?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

That's not the point, my friend. Why do I care you ask? I care because we must retain some semblance of order in society. There are societal rules that are accepted norms and lining up and waiting our turn to be served is one of them. Can you imagine - and I'm sure it would never happen because you people seem civilized - if everyone pushed in and demanded to be served? There would be chaos!

COFFEE DRINKER 2
It's a coffee! That's it! Nothing to go along with it. No danish or pastry or anything that will take more time.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
That's what you say now but how do we know we can believe you?

COFFEE DRINKER 3 AND OTHERS LINING UP
'I believe her...'

COFFEE SHOP SERVER

Can I serve anyone over here?

 

(People rush over to the other line. COFFEE DRINKER 2 waves and smiles at COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

I tried. Can't teach everyone to have manners. 'A large regular coffee - in a china mug, please'

SERVER
Only paper cups. Our dishwasher is broken

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Say what? You expect civilized people, like me to...to drink coffee out of a paper receptacle? This is absolutely unacceptable. Paper is so..banal. Wash a mug out by hand, for goodness sake!

SERVER
Look over there. See the big pile of dishes in the sink? You expect me to wash out a mug for you? I think not!

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Do I have a choice - but don't expect me to enjoy it!

(COFFEE DRINKER 1 takes paper cup and looks for a table. She sees COFFEE DRINKER 2 seated by herself at the only available table)

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Excuse me...but would you mind if I join you? In my discussion with the coffee server person regarding the non-availability of china coffee mugs, it appears all the chairs and tables are taken. You would think that they would keep extra mugs on hand for people who can't tolerate drinking their beverage out of paper.

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Well...now. How 'bout that. Go figure. There is justice in this world. Why don't you line up, patiently, and wait for someone to vacate a table.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
But that could take who knows how long. You on the other hand, are all alone

COFFEE DRINKER 2
I like my space

(COFFEE DRINKER 3 approaches the table)

COFFEE DRINKER 3
Do you mind if I join you?

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Be my guest.

ASIDE TO COFFEE DRINKER 1: Like you said, there are rules and waiting our turn is one of them.  I think I just may order another refill...or maybe two...
 

 

 



SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE - At the theatre

INTERMISSION

 

 

SCENE: WOMEN'S WASHROOM IN THEATRE

 

AT RISE:  FEMALES LINE UP TO USE BATHROOM

 

 

FEMALE 1

Line is really long...hope we have enough time

 

FEMALE 2

(turning around)

Sorry?

 

FEMALE 1

I was just commenting that there's a lot of women waiting to get in and only a 15 minute intermission. The worst is during the play when there's still a while before intermission and things get really desperate. Once I saw a woman actually walk right down to the front, near the stage, and rush off to the exit. The actor stopped talking, turned to the woman and asked, "can't it wait?" The female practically ran out the door and never returned.

 

FEMALE 2

When 'ya gotta go - 'ya gotta go, right?

 

FEMALE 1

(moving anxiously from foot to foot)

Don't I know it - and I really have to! Go, I mean

 

FEMALE 2

It usually picks up and moves faster when they near the end of the intermission

 

FEMALE 1

Hope so... Do you notice how the guys seem to be able to do what they have to do in three minutes?

 

FEMALE 2

That's cause they don't have as much clothing to remove and don't stare at the mirror or fix their makeup

 

FEMALE 1

Once in dire desperation, I used the men's washroom. I had to. Pushed the door open and screamed 'is anybody in there 'cause I'm coming in!'

 

FEMALE 2

What happened?

 

FEMALE 1

I held my head down and didn't dare glance at the urinals. Went in a cubicle, slammed the door and never urinated so fast in my life! Thank goodness there was nobody in there, as far as I know. The line is moving now but barely. C'mon people - move quicker! Things are getting desperate, here.

 

FEMALE 3

(standing behind both of them)

Don't mean to interrupt but there's another bathroom, downstairs. Everyone seems to gravitate to this one for one reason or another

 

FEMALE 1

Thanks for the suggestion but I'll lose my place if I check it out and I don't know if it's an improvement on this situation.

(ASIDE TO FEMALE 2) Perhaps if you would hold my place in line...?

 

FEMALE 2

Don't think that's a good idea. If you end up returning, they'll attack me figuring you're trying to cut in. You have to decide which is the better option

 

FEMALE 1

All I know is that I really gotta pee!

 

FEMALE 2

Even if I let you in front of me, it's not much of an improvement

 

FEMALE 1

It's better than nothing and I would be most appreciative. Things are really getting desperate!

 

FEMALE 2

I suppose I could...I mean, I've been where you have....

 

FEMALE 1

Oh thank you, thank you!

 

(FEMALE 1 moves in front of FEMALE 2)

 

(CONT'D. FEMALE 1) Almost there...just a few more to go...

 

(moving back and forth from foot-to-foot)

 

FEMALE 1

(to female in front of her)

'...such a long line up... and intermission is almost over... Really, really, have to go...you would do that for me? You're too kind...thank you...'

 

(FEMALE 1 moves up the line)

 

FEMALE 1

(to herself)

A person has'ta do what a person has'ta do...the flush of victory is at hand...

 

 



Scenes from Life: a Short Playette. AT THE SUPERMARKET

NOT ALL BREAD IS EQUAL

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET.

A shopper approaches a display of French bread (baguette), squeezes them and shakes her head


CUSTOMER
Not fresh

Bakery clerk with French accent dressed in white shirt, pants, big white apron approaches. Stops and studies customer, hands on hips

BAKERY CLERK
Is there something wrong?

CUSTOMER
There could be

BAKERY CLERK
I see you squeezing my bread. Do you do this to your husband?

CUSTOMER
Come again?

BAKERY CLERK
I say...do you touch your husband in the same manner as you squeeze all my baguettes?

CUSTOMER
Your what?

BAKERY CLERK
My baguettes...the bread, madam. If the legal authorities were looking for you, they would have no trouble in finding your fingerprints. They are right there in all my breads

CUSTOMER
Your breads?

BAKERY CLERK
I bake the breads, madam. I am the one responsible for their safety

CUSTOMER
Of course you are and I'm the one responsible for eating them. So...like...when did you bake these?

BAKERY CLERK
See those ovens over there? That's where it all begins. Every morning they bring me the frozen bread and I very carefully place them in the oven. Not too high a heat, mind you, or they burn.

CUSTOMER
Gee - ovens make bread. Go figure

BAKERY CLERK
Yes, this is true. This oven there (pats oven), she make beautiful baguette. Sometimes, she baaaad and burn bread.

CUSTOMER
This baking French bread 101 is all very interesting but you still haven't answered my question. When did you bake this bread?

BAKERY CLERK
(shocked tone)
You are accusing me of selling stale bread, madam?

CUSTOMER
It feels sort-of stale to me

BAKERY CLERK
Madam. You have hurt me deeply. Every day, including holidays, I bake the baguette. People expect fresh bread. I take this responsibility very seriously.

CUSTOMER
You still didn't give me an answer

BAKERY CLERK
(voice breaking - picks up cloth from baking pan and blows nose)
...every day, mind you, including weekends...holidays... I am a trained French baguette maker...I take special course at the National Baguette Baking School of Paris and Cannes sur la Seine

CUSTOMER
Really. I'm not casting aspersions on your character or your baking ability. I'm sure you're a top baguette baker...

BAKERY CLERK
...I arrive number one in my class

CUSTOMER
Good. Let me put it this way: from which basket do you recommend that I take my bread? Basket one...basket two...or basket three? Gawd - I feel like I'm on a game show

BAKERY CLERK
(looking around)
Come close. The one on the far right - keep it between you and me

Customer reaches over, takes a bread with her hand and drops it

CUSTOMER
Why didn't you warn me the bread was hot?

BAKERY CLERK
You didn't ask me that question. Am I a mind reader? I'm a simple baguette baker from Paris...

SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette


THE COFFEE DILEMMA


SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON


HE

Whad’ya taking? The usual?

SHE
(examining menu choices)

Not sure...

HE

You always end up taking number five

SHE

Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change

HE

I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?

SHE

What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...

HE

It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’

COUNTER PERSON

The full meal?

HE

Yup.

COUNTER PERSON

(keying in order)

Soft drink with that?

HE

Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?

SHE

O-kay...I’ll take...

HE

...let me guess. Number 5

SHE

So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart

HE

Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?

SHE

A few fries now and then don’t hurt.

HE

Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...

SHE

...and a coffee

SERVER

(stunned look on her face)

So you want a soft drink AND coffee?

SHE

No. Just a coffee please

SERVER

That won’t work.

SHE

Why not?

SERVER

The full meal comes with a soft drink.

HE

Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?

SERVER

Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works

SHE

What? Never heard of that!

SERVER

I’ll have to order each item, separately

HE

That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more

SHE

I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know

SERVER

You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay

SHE

What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float

HE

Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.

SHE

No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod

SERVER

But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink

SHE

What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.

(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)

HE

Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment

SERVER

(very unnerved)

I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...

(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)

Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.

SHE

Oh goodie!

(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)

HE

You’ve over-charged us by a dollar

COUNTER PERSON

Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...

SHE

Coffee...

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE

THE LIPSTICK LADY

SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.



WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)

What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!

(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)

(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart

OHSF
You should have moved

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first

OHSF
I need room

WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do

OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually

OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends

OHSF
Depends on what?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize

OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person

WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?

OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My shopping cart accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession

OHSF
Take it or leave it

WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in

OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)

OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell

(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)

(cont’d). Crappy scent!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!

OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!

OHSF
So?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore

OHSF
And if I did? I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?

OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it

OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Why don’t you!

OHSF
I’m not finished here, yet. In fact, I’m gonna smell every lipstick here!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You are truly disgusting.

OHSF
Get over it. Now if you’ll excuse me...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Fine. If that’s the way you want it.

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves to where cash register computer is situated. There is an internal microphone located on the counter, which woman customer grabs)

CASHIER
Hey! You can’t do that!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Just borrow for a minute... ‘Now hear this, now hear this! Calling all female shoppers. Lipstick is being given away free in the cosmetic section. You heard it right – FREE! Just push your shopping cart over to lipsticks and you’ll see a fake blond haired lady who is waiting to serve you.’

(There is a rush of shopping carts that head for the cosmetic department)

WOMAN CUSTOMER (cont’d)
So what is it worth to you not to tell everyone heading here that you sniffed all the lipsticks?

CASHIER
You smelled all the lipsticks here? I’m calling security...

OHSF
Not all... I mean, she’s lying... Really...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Saw her with my own eyes. She's a sniffer alright. Disgusting! By the way – do you happen to have the shade, Beige Goddess?

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE



AT THE HAIRDRESSER PART 4



SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. FEMALE CLIENT (FC) ENTERS, GOES TO THE BACK OF SALON WHERE HAIR STYLIST, PEGGY, IS WASHING HAIR



FEMALE CLIENT (FC)
I know I’m early. See you’re busy there...

HAIR STYLIST
I’ll be ready for you in fifteen minutes

FC
Should I waste some time next door at the pharmacy?

HAIR STYLIST
Why - you need something?

FC
My cosmetic collection always needs refreshing. Maybe a new lipstick...

HAIR STYLIST
Okay. Be back in ten minutes

FC
I’ll be back before then. If I hang around there too long, the store clerks start looking at me funny

(starts to leave – stops to greet MARY, another hair stylist)

‘Hi Mary! How y’a doin’?’

MARY

(blowing a client’s hair dry)

Hot! That’s how I’m doing! The friggin' air conditioner isn’t working! Must be a hundred degrees, probably more, in here!

FC
Sorry I asked...

(FC leaves and upon returning, sits on couch)

(cont’d. FM1)
God is it hot outside!

MARY
Damned right and the damned air conditioner is as useless as tits on a bull!

FC
I get the picture. Since you so eloquently brought it to my attention, how come it’s so hot in here? It’s usually freezing

MARY
Like I said...

FC
...because ‘the friggin' air conditioner isn’t working!’ Has the boss called somebody to fix it?

MARY
Are you kidding? That would cost money! Shit! Look at me! I’m dripping wet!

PEGGY
Ohmygawd. Mary – you’re even sweating through your pants! Gross! And in the wrong place, too!

MARY
Oh gee thanks! Maybe I should just do hair in my underwear!

PETER (another hair stylist)
Don't encourage her! She will!

PETER'S CUSTOMER
That would be interesting!

FC
It’s like there’s no oxygen in the air. Really hot in here

PETER
We’ve got it at number six – that’s the highest. The system needs cleaning

FC
So why doesn’t your boss have it cleaned

PETER
Because it cost money!

FC
But in the end, it’ll cost him more money if he doesn’t maintain the system!

PETER
You know that, and I know that, but he’s too cheap!

MARY
Shit! I can’t take this heatttttt! Put down the temperature some more

PETER
If I do that – the whole system will break down. Would that be better?

PEGGY
It’s the hair dryers. They make it hot, too. Then the door opening and closing...

FC
It’s not really that bad...I mean, it’s bearable

PEGGY
Wait ‘til you have a towel and plastic poncho around your neck for a while!

MARY
Somebody do something before I scream!

(goes to small fridge and grabs bottle of cold water and gulps it down)

PEGGY
Okay – I’m leaving you my curling iron while I’m away on vacation. What else do you need?

MARY
Cold friggin' air!

PC
(laughing)
Mary does have a way with words, doesn't she!

PEGGY
I mean, aside from that? Any other equipment you want to borrow?

MARY
How long you going for?

PEGGY
You know how long - two whole weeks! Can’t wait!

MARY
Maybe you should re-consider. You never know - when you come back, we might not have a boss anymore if somebody doesn’t cool this place down!

(softly to Peggy and FC) ‘Oh look who’s here. Mr. Big Bucks himself!’

(salon boss strolls in)

SALON BOSS
(laughing)
So? Hot enough for everyone?

(to be continued...next time: Mary offers her boss some advice)

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE HAIRDRESSER: PART 2

SCENE: SMALL HAIR STYLING SALON WITH THREE STYLISTS. FEMALE CLIENT ENTERS SALON


CLIENT
Hi all!

HAIR STYLIST (PEGGY)
You’re early. My 12:30 that was supposed to be here before you is late, but that’s okay. I’ll dye your hair, meanwhile

CLIENT
Cold! I’m frozen. Now I know what a popsicle feels like

PEGGY
You walked here?

CLIENT
Can you tell? I’m wearing a hat, which I absolutely hate, tights under pants, a heavy sweater and a scarf. To top it off, my fingers were so cold and I hadda go buy a cheapie pair of gloves to put inside these old gloves that are finished. My hands feel like the Incredible Hulk. My cheeks burn...

PEGGY
(distracted...looking out of salon front window on to the parking lot)
...what’s going on there?

CLIENT
Oh nothing much. Somebody drove their car into the snow bank. As I was saying, it’s really freezing...

PEGGY
OhmyGawd! I see the car. Wow!

CLIENT
Moving right along... Yup – there are big chunks of the front fender everywhere. Gonna cost big bucks for sure

(PEGGY places plastic cape around client’s shoulders, still staring out of window)

PEGGY
How’d that happen?

CLIENT
Hard to tell. To me, it looks like she was trying to avoid hitting a car that was entering the parking lot and had to swerve...

(a male client enters and sits in chair. STAVROS, men’s stylist, puts cape around him)

MALE CLIENT
Big accident...big...

STAVROS
Uh-huh. Gonna cost a lot to fix that baby

MALE CLIENT
Woman driver of course

(the two men laugh/cackle)

CLIENT
Actually, I saw another car involved and I think it’s a male driver

STAVROS
Yeah but the female probably caused it

(STAVROS and male client laugh)

PEGGY
(straining to see out of the window from her position, standing on tip-toe)
Hey – maybe that’s my customer and that’s why she’s late! Did you get a look at the driver of the car?

CLIENT
Couldn’t miss her. She was pacing back and forth, talking to some people about the accident.

PEGGY
What she look like? Did she have blond streaked hair?

CLIENT
I think so...yeah...she did

PEGGY
I bet that’s her!

CLIENT
Is your client slim? The woman is slim

PEGGY
No...she’s kind’a plump. I’m sure that has’ta be her! Mary – go out and check to see if it’s her!

(MARY, another stylist, is sitting in her chair reading a magazine)

MARY
I’m busy here and besides, it’s too cold

PEGGY
But it could be my customer. It’s gonna screw up all my appointments for tomorrow if it’s her

CLIENT
Yeah Mary – go see if it’s her and if so, tell her she's late and Peggy is waiting for her

PEGGY
Wait a minute – didn’t you say the woman driver was slim?

CLIENT
Uh-huh

PEGGY
Then it’s not her so where is my 12:30?

MALE CLIENT
The driver must’a missed the exit and drove into the snow bank. It’s an older Mercedes and those parts are expensive. Wait ‘til her husband finds out

(MALE CLIENT AND STAVROS LAUGH/CACKLE)

PEGGY
(returns from mixing color in back room. Stares out of window while stirring dye in bowl)
Hmmm...still, maybe my client lost weight and it’s her...

STAVROS
Gonna be tricky to tow the car outta the snow bank.

MALE CLIENT
Yeah but from what I saw, the whole front end of the car is finit-o anyway

PEGGY
Poor lady...

CLIENT
Um...Peggy? We put the dye on my hair, not on my forehead?

PEGGY
Oh...sorry...so busy checking the accident... I mean, what do I say if it’s her? ‘Too bad about your car?’

MARY
I doubt whether she’d keep the appointment, anyway

PEGGY
Probably not under the circumstances. Maybe I should go out and – you know – offer her a coffee or something

MARY
You don’t even know who that is! Anyway, you just wanna know how it happened

PEGGY
Well I would know if you’d go out and check...!

MARY
Alright already! I’ll go but if I catch pneumonia...

(to be continued...)

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAYETTE: "LOTTERY TICKET"



SCENE: CUSTOMER ENTERS SMALL CONVENIENCE STORE




CUSTOMER
(looking around at shelves)
Hmmmm...


(CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER LOOKS UP FROM READING HIS NEWSPAPER FOR A SPLIT SECOND AND CONTINUES READING)


CUSTOMER
Uh-huh....hmmmmmm...


STORE OWNER
Can I help?


CUSTOMER
I'm not sure...I don't see what I'm looking for


STORE OWNER
What is it that you're looking for?


CUSTOMER
Potato chips


STORE OWNER
(glancing over to the chip display)
We have lots of chips - good flavors, too!


CUSTOMER
Yes but...


STORE OWNER
...but?


CUSTOMER
You don't appear to have my flavor


STORE OWNER
And your flavor would be...?


CUSTOMER
Dill pickle with chives


STORE OWNER
Are you sure? We have a good variety...


CUSTOMER
- but no dill pickle with chives, though


STORE OWNER
You're the first person who has ever asked for that flavor


CUSTOMER
But maybe not the last! You should check into it


STORE OWNER
Perhaps...maybe try another flavor this time?


CUSTOMER
Neh! Gotta be -


STORE OWNER
- I know - dill pickle and chives. What about smoky bacon? That's popular with everyone


CUSTOMER
Neh...


STORE OWNER
Okay...I'll check into it for you


CUSTOMER
(approaching counter)
I'd like a lottery ticket


STORE OWNER
That I have. Which one?


CUSTOMER
The one that has a $50 million dollar jackpot


STORE OWNER
Uh-huh - everyone is buying them like crazy, today


CUSTOMER
Why should I be different? Now the big question is should I allow the computer to choose the numbers or should I pick them...


STORE OWNER
Why not buy two - let the computer choose one set of numbers and you choose the other


CUSTOMER
I suppose I could do that... Actually and between you and me - I don't trust the computer. I think they fix it so that certain areas have winners


STORE OWNER
Well this store ain't one of them!


CUSTOMER
(anxious)
You mean...you've never had a winner, here?


STORE OWNER
(quick to respond)
Of course we have. Not a major winner but winners - lots and lots of winners


CUSTOMER
Good. Then give me five


STORE OWNER
You trusting the computer?


CUSTOMER
Yup. Too lazy to fill in the numbers besides they've never come in.


STORE OWNER
But they could one day and you... I mean, of course, that's a good idea

(he presses the computer buttons and pulls out the strip of paper with numbers)

Good luck, lady! If you win - I win, too!


CUSTOMER
Don't hold your breath...there goes another ten buckeroonies. By the way, don't forget to ask about the dill pickle and chives


STORE OWNER
Of course. You never know who will want this flavor that I never heard of


CUSTOMER
Live and learn, I always say

(customer exits)

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAY-ETTE: "HAIRDRESSER"

SCENE: HAIRDRESSER SALON. IT'S A UNI-SEX SALON SERVING BOTH FEMALE AND MALES. A FEMALE CLIENT IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR AS A STYLIST BLOWS HER HAIR DRY. THE STAFF IS OF GREEK HERITAGE


CLIENT
Hi there! Know I'm early.

HAIRDRESSER
Hi sweetie. Be with you soon.

CLIENT
D'ya want me to waste time until you take me? I can wander around the pharmacy next door. Need a few things anyway...how long should I take? Five minutes?

HAIRDRESSER
Make it 10 - no 20...

CLIENT
Sure. Can't stay there longer, though. Last time I was getting some wierd looks like I was a prospective shop lifter.

(female client returns 10 minutes later)

HAIRDRESSER
Another five minutes, okay sweetie?

CLIENT
Fine. Quiet today, huh?

PETER (MALE STYLIST)
Been quiet all week

CLIENT
People aren't making appointments for the holidays?

PETER
(glumly)
Very quiet...

HAIRDRESSER
Okay sweetie. Come sit in the chair. I'm ready for you, now.

CLIENT
Same color like always

HAIRDRESSER
Eyebrows too?

CLIENT
Yup

HAIRDRESSER
I don't know why you want to dye them. There's hardly anything there.

CLIENT
(chuckling)
Geez - thanks. You sure know how to make a customer feel good!

HAIRDRESSER
I meant, of course, that you hardly have any grey in your eyebrows

CLIENT
True...but sometimes a few sneak through

HAIRDRESSER
You could just pluck them

CLIENT
Much easier to color them and besides, I end up taking off chunks of skin with the hairs. Nothing like walking around with red scabs on your eyebrows

(CLIENT is sitting in chair, reading magazine with hair covered in dye)

HAIRDRESSER
Haven't had a full cigarette all day

CUSTOMER
Healthier for you. Progress - the magazines are up to the year 2009 now.

HAIRDRESSER
I'll be back. Need some nicotine in my blood

(Hairdresser leaves salon to smoke. Stella, another hairdresser, sits in chair next to customer. Other hairdresser returns from her nicotine break and cuts the hair of a male customer)

STELLA
Did you notice how thin blank-blank (name of hairdresser) is?

CLIENT
She's lost a lot of weight... 'Hey blank-blank (HD) - how come you lost so much weight?'

HAIRDRESSER
I dunno. Nerves I guess - and hard work. Been busy and sometimes I skip meals

CLIENT
Not a healthy practice. Wow - I never saw you so skinny. Sure you're okay? I mean, no health problems?

STELLA
She's too thin! She should gain some weight!

HAIRDRESSER
I eat healthy, that's why I'm slim - not skinny! Don't eat junk food

STELLA
(who is on the plump side)
Me neither - and look at me! It's just not fair! I watch what I eat and even work out 5 days at the gym and still I don't lose a pound! Some people are soooo lucky!

CLIENT
Why don't you try writing down everything you eat for a day or two? Maybe you don't even realize. You have to watch portion size

STELLA
I do, I do! Look at me! It's just so unfair! Blah-blah on the other hand is too skinny, don'chu think? She doesn't have a bum anymore or boobs

HAIRDRESSER
Are you two talking about me?

CLIENT
We're discussing your weight loss, girl!

STELLA
You gotta gain weight! Really!

CLIENT
Where is Stavros (salon owner)?

STELLA
He went to Ikea to buy a stand so we can make real coffee. Send a man to get something and he takes hours to make a choice. Who knows what he'll come back with

CLIENT
(looking around)
I don't see a coffee maker, here. Since when did you get one?

STELLA
He's hiding it downstairs. I found it by accident

CLIENT
Why is he hiding it?

STELLA
Who knows. These days you gotta make your customers feel welcome, like they're somebodys. You know, 'have a coffee'

CLIENT
Yeah...I suppose, mind you, I like tea myself...

(STAVROS walks in holding long, narrow package. Everyone gathers round and they place what looks like a plank of wood against the space alloted for the planned coffee maker, to measure the width of the shelf or whatever)

STELLA
(in Greek, but it's obvious what she's saying by their gestures)
It's too wide! Look!

(a man enters with lots of electronic tools hanging from a belt on his hips. He runs a stud finder up and down on the wall)

MAN
(shaking his head negatively)
No good. Too many wires here

STAVROS
Can't you do something?

MAN
I dunno...gotta think about this...

STELLA
We only want to put up this shelf so we can put a coffee pot on top. I mean, how hard is that?

(STELLA, THE ELECTRICIAN AND STAVROS disappear downstairs)

HAIRDRESSER
If we're lucky, you'll have a cup of coffee for your next appointment

CUSTOMER
Actually, I'm a tea drinker

HAIRDRESSER
No problem. We have a kettle to boil water. Between you and I, I like Starbucks coffee but keep it between ourselves

CUSTOMER
Of course. What type of tea do you have, by the way? I personally like green tea...

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAY: "THE LIFT"

SCENE: THE WOMAN BUNDLED UP FOR A COLD, WINTER DAY IS WALKING WITH A SHOPPING BAG SLUNG OVER HER SHOULDER. AS SHE WALKS, SHE STARES DOWN AT THE SNOWY SIDEWALK

CAST: THE WOMAN
WOMAN DRIVER

THE WOMAN
(mumbling to herself)
Cold... Maybe I should turn back. But I need stuff at the supermarket. Should have taken the car but then what is the physical value in that? No - I need exercise and it's really not that cold out. These boots are so damned heavy but at least they're waterproof...and this fur hat is driving me nuts! It's itchy and keeps slipping down to my eyebrows. I probably look like a lunatic. How do I scratch an itch under a fur hat with mittens on? I suppose I could take them off... At least it's fake fur and I don't have to feel guilty about wearing it. I swear I'm gonna take off this hat, throw it on the ground and stamp on it! I better stop talking to myself in case I meet up with someone I know.

(she looks up and notices that a car slows down and stops a few feet in front of her)

THE WOMAN
Uh-oh...who is that? Should I cross the street or keep walking here. I don't want to make it obvious that I'm nervous. Hopefully they won't ask me for directions because I'm really bad at that. The best I end up doing is pointing

(as the point where she is about to pass the car, a window rolls down and the woman driver leans over)

WOMAN DRIVER
Hello there!

THE WOMAN
(moving away from car)
Uh-huh...yes?

WOMAN DRIVER
Are you going to the supermarket?

THE WOMAN
Well...

WOMAN DRIVER
I'm on my way there, myself. Could I offer you a lift?

THE WOMAN
Well...I don't...

WOMAN DRIVER
Don't worry. I often give lifts to women in the winter, especially on a day like today. Cold wind.

WOMAN
Well...okay, I suppose.

(woman gets into car)

WOMAN
(cautiously but anxiously)
Do you...live around... here?

WOMAN DRIVER
I live in the Versailles.

WOMAN
Oh we're neighbors! I live right next door to you! It's very nice that you offer me a lift.

WOMAN DRIVER
It's no problem - I'm on my way there, myself. I probably wouldn't offer a lift to a man, though. You just never know who can get in

WOMAN
Can't tell these days...

WOMAN DRIVER
So...I saw you walking with a shopping bag and I thought 'she's probably going to the supermarket and it's cold outside and the least I can do is offer her a lift.' So here we are!

WOMAN
Yup...

WOMAN DRIVER
Do you have a dog?

WOMAN
Pardon?

WOMAN DRIVER
A dog? You know -woof-woof?

WOMAN
No - just a husband.
(they both laugh)

WOMAN DRIVER
I want to get a dog. Not a big one or anything...I live in an apartment. A dog would be nice and they're good company. I could dress it up in nice clothes like that dog over there

(they both "awwww" at a dog with boots and trendy sweater being walked accross the road)

WOMAN
I had a dog for 15 years. That's enough for me. Too hard to take when they get old and sick

WOMAN DRIVER
Maybe - but I really would like one...

(they turn into supermarket parking lot)

WOMAN
We're here. You are so thoughtful to offer me a lift. You can leave me off here at the pharmacy. I have to get some makeup

WOMAN DRIVER
It's a pleasure. Maybe next time I'll have a dog for you to pet!

WOMAN
Maybe you will! I'm sure we'll see each other again in the Spring living next door to each other. In the winter, we drive in our car and even when we walk, we look down. Bye!

WOMAN DRIVER
Merry Christmas - don't spend all your money!

WOMAN
(watching car drive away)
Nice...really nice! This damned hat is going to drive me nuts...