Scenes from Life: a Short Play-ette. Miley and the Walmart Ladies:

MILEY AND THE WALMART LADIES

Sometimes, a playwright is privy to a conversation that just begs to be written. Okay. Perhaps begs is too strong but this was over-heard while standing in line in Walmart (no less) waiting to pay for some items. It went something like this.

SCENE: WALMART. Long line up of people waiting to pay.

THE CAST:

SALLY (60-ish female)
FLO (80-ish female) and mother of SALLY

SALLY
Lot of people today, mom. We're gonna have to wait a bit

FLO
People always seem to shop at Walmart when it rains. I wonder  why

SALLY
Nothing better to do, I guess

FLO
Uh-huh...maybe...

(SALLY's attention is on the magazines located in the check-out aisle. She shakes her head)

SALLY
Sad...really sad

FLO
What?

SALLY
Miley Cyrus

FLO
Who?

SALLY
Miley Cyrus

(SALLY points to photo of Miley Cyrus on magazine cover)

SALLY
You know Miley Cyrus...

FLO
Who?

SALLY
The singer?

FLO
Name sounds familiar...

SALLY
Remember she used to be in Disney movies? Such a sweet thing she was. Sad...

FLO
Is she dead?

SALLY
No - but if she doesn't change her life style, she could be

FLO
Oh...

SALLY
She was in the hospital, y'know

FLO
She sick I suppose?

SALLY
Yeah...could say that. The girl exposes herself

FLO
She's not wearing a lot of clothes. Perhaps she susceptible to colds

SALLY
I read somewhere that she has a heart murmur

FLO
Didn't know that. My friend, Phyllis has heart problems - so does Arthur... They take a lot of pills, especially the pink one's with a heart on it? Everyone I know takes them.

SALLY
Says here she was hospitalized for an allergic reaction to antibiotics. She probably over-dosed on drugs and they're just saying that to cover up

FLO
Arthur over-dosed on water pills. Couldn't stop peeing. Hadda go to the doctor. I told him, 'Arthur! Just put in a plug.' He didn't like my suggestion. Good. We're next in line

SALLY
Such a good girl, she was. Wonder what makes a girl like her suddenly do all that sexy stuff?

FLO
M-o-n-e-y!

SALLY
Her dad was Billy Ray Cyrus. Remember him? Achy-breaky heart guy?

FLO
They play that when we do line dancing at the Seniors Center. Lots of steps to remember but nobody cares when someone forgets, unless of course they trip somebody. Last week Sam forgot what direction he was supposed to go and Phyllis ended up with a sprained ankle.

SALLY
Oh well...hope Miley sees the light and gets normal again...

(replaces magazine back on stand)

FLO
Aren't you gonna buy the magazine?

SALLY
Neh. I finished it waiting to pay for our stuff. Poor Miley...

FLO
Whatever...

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE

THE LIPSTICK LADY

SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.



WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)

What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!

(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)

(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart

OHSF
You should have moved

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first

OHSF
I need room

WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do

OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually

OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends

OHSF
Depends on what?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize

OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person

WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?

OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My shopping cart accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession

OHSF
Take it or leave it

WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in

OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)

OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell

(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)

(cont’d). Crappy scent!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!

OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!

OHSF
So?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore

OHSF
And if I did? I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?

OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it

OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Why don’t you!

OHSF
I’m not finished here, yet. In fact, I’m gonna smell every lipstick here!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You are truly disgusting.

OHSF
Get over it. Now if you’ll excuse me...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Fine. If that’s the way you want it.

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves to where cash register computer is situated. There is an internal microphone located on the counter, which woman customer grabs)

CASHIER
Hey! You can’t do that!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Just borrow for a minute... ‘Now hear this, now hear this! Calling all female shoppers. Lipstick is being given away free in the cosmetic section. You heard it right – FREE! Just push your shopping cart over to lipsticks and you’ll see a fake blond haired lady who is waiting to serve you.’

(There is a rush of shopping carts that head for the cosmetic department)

WOMAN CUSTOMER (cont’d)
So what is it worth to you not to tell everyone heading here that you sniffed all the lipsticks?

CASHIER
You smelled all the lipsticks here? I’m calling security...

OHSF
Not all... I mean, she’s lying... Really...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Saw her with my own eyes. She's a sniffer alright. Disgusting! By the way – do you happen to have the shade, Beige Goddess?

Bought two skeins/balls of multi-colored wool and knitting needles in anticipation of making...something. Realized that the best I could hope for was one of my famous scarves and it dawned on me that I needed a lot more wool. Ran to Walmart at point of purchase to replenish and this was the end result. Yet another event taken from my life.


SCANNED!

SCENE: THE HANDICRAFT SECTION OF A WALMART STORE. A WOMAN CUSTOMER IS SCANNING THE ASSORTMENT OF WOOL ON THE SHELVES WHILE A SALES CLERK IS BUSY TALKING TO A YOUNG MALE CLERK, TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO

FEMALE SALES CLERK
So you check your merchandise against the typed sheet and...

CUSTOMER
'Scuse me?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
...keep checking the sheet, Deepak. Uh-huh?

CUSTOMER
(showing clerk a paper wrapper taken from a skein of wool)
Um - I'm looking for this brand and lot dye number but I don't seem to be able to see it anywhere...

FEMALE SALES CLERK
(taking paper and examining it)
Let's see now...where would this be...

(the customer and sales clerk walk up and down the aisle, searching for the wool brand)

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Aside to young male assistant:'Deepak - go find me a scanner...somewhere!'

To customer: I left my scanner here and somebody took it. Can't leave anything these days

CUSTOMER
You mean a customer took it?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Could be although more likely it's another clerk from another dept.

CUSTOMER
Oh... So do you see my brand of wool, anywhere? I don't

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Me neither. Wait a minute - let's go look in the clearance section... Just as I thought - your wool was on clearance

(clerk holds up paper from wool and shows customer similar wool)

FEMALE SALES CLERK
See? Same brand but new wrapping and not your shade. They must have dropped your shade

CUSTOMER
You mean...my wool has been discontinued? But...I just bought it a few days ago!

FEMALE SALES CLERK
That could be but if it's on clearance - it's not here anymore

CUSTOMER
Will you be getting anymore in?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I doubt it.It's finished!

CUSTOMER
What am I supposed to do now? How can I finish my scarf I'm making?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
What can I tell you! If I had that darn scanner, I could check the other stores to see if they have any in stock

CUSTOMER
Well can't you get another scanner?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I don't know...where's that Deepak...

CUSTOMER
Perhaps if you'd go find one...?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
If only I had that scanner...but I don't. Why don't you go to one of the front cashes. They can scan your label and check to see if you can find it at another Walmart

CUSTOMER
Are you sure you absolutely sure you don't have the wool, somewhere?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I'm sure...of course the scanner would help but...

CUSTOMER
...I know. You don't have a scanner.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
My assistant, Deepak, will be back in a minute and then I can go look for a scanner...

CUSTOMER
I really can't wait any longer

FEMALE SALES CLERK
There he is now, 'Deepak - we need a scanner!'

CUSTOMER
Yes Deepak. You do

FEMALE SALES CLERK
We can't work without a scanner! You go find one! I swear, these days you can't trust anyone.

CUSTOMER
What about my wool?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Like I said, go to the front cash and ask them to...

CUSTOMER
...scan. BTW - is this yours?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Ohmygawd - that's our scanner!

CUSTOMER
It was lying here in the wool on clearance. Have a good day

FEMALE SALES CLERK
You too! Go figure...here all along... 'Deepak! I found it!'