Zoo Diary: the zoo denizens get into the holiday spirit

ZOO DIARY

SCENE: A small zoo. Preparing for the holiday performance.

At rise: The residents of the zoo are practicing for the annual holiday performance. It's the last dress rehearsal before the actual production and chaos reigns supreme.

ZEBRA
Hello? Everyone? May I have your attention, please? There is far too much cacophony among the performers. I can't hear myself think! Not you my dear...you embody the true thespian soul

CROW 1
(laughing while watching from a tree)
Uh-oh...zebra says there's too much caca-phony around here. The elephants have been using the toilets, again

CROW 2
(laughing hysterically)
Oh Cyril - you're so witty!

ZEBRA
You mean, witless. Now where were we? Oh yes...we were discussing your acting abilities, my dear.

FEMALE ZEBRA
You think I have talent? My acting coach has offered to give me private lessons

ZEBRA
Would your coach anyone I would know? Perhaps we could work together to maximize your performance

FEMALE ZEBRA
That's a very kind offer but 'CH' swore me to secrecy. He doesn't want the whole world calling him and begging for private tutoring> He's a very private person

ZEBRA
Totally understandable, my dear. Know exactly where he's coming from. I too separate myself from the lesser...well...talent-challenged among us

(ZEBRA admires his frame from all angles, in a full-length mirror)

(cont'd. ZEBRA) 'Perfection!'  (whispering) You can share the name of your acting coach with me. There is a professional code of silence among zebra directors that is adhered to. You said his initials were CH? Hmmmm....not familiar with any coaches with those initials...

FEMALE ZEBRA
He calls himself cheetah

(ZEBRA reacts with horror)

ZEBRA
Cheetah...you did say cheetah? Does this cheetah...would this coach live, perchance, in a cage in this very zoo?

FEMALE ZEBRA
He would! How did you know? He said that his style of coaching requires getting down to the bare bones of acting

ZEBRA
(horrified)
My dear, naïve, zebra! Forget about - um - coach cheetah. I, myself, shall take you on as a client, gratis, and as a cost to myself (aside to himself) ...wait 'til I get my hands on cheetah...' What am I saying? Let's just say, my dear, that his reputation and taste for zebras is well developed. Why don't you go over there in the corner and study your lines

FEMALE ZEBRA
If you say so. "I think I hear Santa!....I think I hear Santa....I think I hear Santa...'

ZEBRA
Okay...actors - places please! Mr. Squeeze - please tear yourself away from rat? We don't want a repeat performance of last year's incident

MR. SQUEEZE
I was just trying to show him some love

RAT
(gasping for breath)
Surrre! Remember the squirrel incident? We lost our Santa Claus on account of you

MR. SQUEEZE
We're good friends! Right rat? Who ever heard of a squirrel playing Santa Claus, anyway?

ZEBRA
(admiring himself in the mirror and fixing his cravat)
'You handsome devil! Your stripes don't do you justice. 'kiss-kiss....' For the record and given our budget, which is half of last year's and next to nothing, he was the only one who could fit into the Santa suit. Who will play the old elf this year?

(a chicken jumps down from the branch of a tree)

CHICKEN
I would like to volunteer my services for the cause

MR. SQUEEZE
(slithering up close to chicken)
Great idea! And my contribution will be to offer my help We can go over your lines in my den

ZEBRA
Not! Thank you for your...offer but I'm sure chicken can remember "ho-ho-ho..." Now if you will put on the suit, we can start our rehearsal

CHICKEN
It's a little tight...jacket won't...fit...over my...breast bone...

CHEETAH
Perhaps I can fix that problem ...

MR. SQUEEZE
...my particular qualities can definitely fix that...

(both cheetah and MR. SQUEEZE inch closer to the chicken)

ZEBRA
Stop where you are, both of you! We will make do with what we have. Please put on the red hat and black shiny boots and get on the sled. The children are arriving

CHICKEN
(smoothing her feathers and pulling the jacket over his breast)
I'm very nervous.. This is my first acting job

CHEETAH
Don't worry my friend. I'll be watching close by...in case you forget your lines, of course

ZEBRA
Places people! Mr. Squeeze - you're not in the first scene

MR. SQUEEZE
Just helping chicken get over his nerves. Everyone needs a hug''

Open the curtains and let the play begin!

NEXT TIME: THE SHOW MUST GO ON - MAYBE

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE - At the theatre

INTERMISSION

 

 

SCENE: WOMEN'S WASHROOM IN THEATRE

 

AT RISE:  FEMALES LINE UP TO USE BATHROOM

 

 

FEMALE 1

Line is really long...hope we have enough time

 

FEMALE 2

(turning around)

Sorry?

 

FEMALE 1

I was just commenting that there's a lot of women waiting to get in and only a 15 minute intermission. The worst is during the play when there's still a while before intermission and things get really desperate. Once I saw a woman actually walk right down to the front, near the stage, and rush off to the exit. The actor stopped talking, turned to the woman and asked, "can't it wait?" The female practically ran out the door and never returned.

 

FEMALE 2

When 'ya gotta go - 'ya gotta go, right?

 

FEMALE 1

(moving anxiously from foot to foot)

Don't I know it - and I really have to! Go, I mean

 

FEMALE 2

It usually picks up and moves faster when they near the end of the intermission

 

FEMALE 1

Hope so... Do you notice how the guys seem to be able to do what they have to do in three minutes?

 

FEMALE 2

That's cause they don't have as much clothing to remove and don't stare at the mirror or fix their makeup

 

FEMALE 1

Once in dire desperation, I used the men's washroom. I had to. Pushed the door open and screamed 'is anybody in there 'cause I'm coming in!'

 

FEMALE 2

What happened?

 

FEMALE 1

I held my head down and didn't dare glance at the urinals. Went in a cubicle, slammed the door and never urinated so fast in my life! Thank goodness there was nobody in there, as far as I know. The line is moving now but barely. C'mon people - move quicker! Things are getting desperate, here.

 

FEMALE 3

(standing behind both of them)

Don't mean to interrupt but there's another bathroom, downstairs. Everyone seems to gravitate to this one for one reason or another

 

FEMALE 1

Thanks for the suggestion but I'll lose my place if I check it out and I don't know if it's an improvement on this situation.

(ASIDE TO FEMALE 2) Perhaps if you would hold my place in line...?

 

FEMALE 2

Don't think that's a good idea. If you end up returning, they'll attack me figuring you're trying to cut in. You have to decide which is the better option

 

FEMALE 1

All I know is that I really gotta pee!

 

FEMALE 2

Even if I let you in front of me, it's not much of an improvement

 

FEMALE 1

It's better than nothing and I would be most appreciative. Things are really getting desperate!

 

FEMALE 2

I suppose I could...I mean, I've been where you have....

 

FEMALE 1

Oh thank you, thank you!

 

(FEMALE 1 moves in front of FEMALE 2)

 

(CONT'D. FEMALE 1) Almost there...just a few more to go...

 

(moving back and forth from foot-to-foot)

 

FEMALE 1

(to female in front of her)

'...such a long line up... and intermission is almost over... Really, really, have to go...you would do that for me? You're too kind...thank you...'

 

(FEMALE 1 moves up the line)

 

FEMALE 1

(to herself)

A person has'ta do what a person has'ta do...the flush of victory is at hand...

 

 



SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE At the supermarket

THE WAIT

 

 

SCENE: A BUSY SUPERMARKET.

 

AT RISE: A LONG LINE UP OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR THEIR GROCERIES.

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER

(to herself)

 

Would you believe how slow this cashier is? I probably could check out myself faster

 

 

MALE CUSTOMER BEHIND HER
 

They should open more cashes

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Sorry?

MALE CUSTOMER
 

They need more cashiers. Can’t open more cashes without cashiers. Only three on a holiday weekend doesn’t do it

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

So true. I mean, you would think that they would have thought of that. I hate waiting

MALE CUSTOMER
 

Who likes it

 

 (female customer searches the line ups)
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

I just moved over to here from the other line. This one looks like it was moving faster but now the other one is better. Always happens. Wherever I move, the other lines are faster

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

From what I can see, there are hardly any people in the first cash

 

 (they both look over to check it out)
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

That’s only for eight items or less. I’ve got a lot more than that

 

MALE CUSTOMER

Maybe they would take you being that they’re so busy everywhere
 

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Don’t like to take advantage, not to mention that the customers with just a few items get really upset when you try to push in with a full shopping cart. Can't say I blame them. Tried that a while back and everyone turned on me. “Are you blind?” they all yelled, pointing to the 8 items or less sign accompanied by insults. Wasn’t worth it – very embarrassing. Anyway, I’d lose my place here in line. Hey…you wouldn’t be trying to move up faster in the line here…

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

Just trying to be helpful

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Why don’t you try your luck at the first cash? Maybe you'll be luckier

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

I’ll wait my turn. You were complaining

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Actually, I was talking to myself and you overheard me

 

MALE CUSTOMER

Sorry to butt in your private conversation with yourself
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Merely pointing out to myself that they need more cashiers

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

And I agreed. No ulterior motive intended

 

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

 Sorry - I tend to get impatient in line ups. Here we want to give them our hard-earned cash and we have to wait to hand it over. Not that I would ever want to be a cashier...

 

  (Throws her head back and looks at ceiling)
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Would you believe? Now they’re counting cash! This means another five minute delay at least

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

Nothing we can do about it
 

 FEMALE CUSTOMER

 

Why, why does this always happen to me? Why couldn’t they have waited until they finished checking out my food items first?

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

A conspiracy for sure. Relax – getting all worked up won’t make things work faster

 

(answers his cell phone) 

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

On top of it all, they’ve put new cashiers on a day like today. I mean, really. Okay, they have to learn but today? Good - finished their cash count. Only one person in front of us, now. Should be out of here in five…maybe ten minutes at the most, for sure. I’ll just get ready to place my items here on the counter…they have some good specials today… I don’t believe it!   

 

 

MALE CUSTOMER

Something wrong?

 

 FEMALE CUSTOMER

Would you believe? There’s no price on some of her items and now they have to do a price check! That’s gonna put us back an extra ten minutes for sure. Is there no end to keep us customers waiting forever? (addresses customer in front of her) ‘Excuse me, but why didn’t you check your items before throwing them into your shopping cart? We've been waiting here for over fifteen minutes, y’know! Some of us have things to do, places to go.’ 

                        (male customer moves over to new cash that opens up) 
 

(cont’d.) Hey! I was in front of you
 

MALE CUSTOMER

You were and now I’m in front of you, first in line. You snooze – you lose. Patience is a virtue


FEMALE CUSTOMER

Hope you have a lot of it


MALE CUSTOMER

What do you mean?


FEMALE CUSTOMER

The head cashier is heading this way. Looks like the computer in your cash is down. They're motioning you move into our line. Like you told me - patience is a virtue



 

 

ZOO DIARY - part 11

 

SCENE: CITY ZOO. MORNING

Our story so far: a  small zoo that is experiencing financial problems, has been seeking ways to cut back. The zoo denizens, aware of the situation, have been discussing the situation and seeking ways to ensure that they are not adversely affected.

 

The zoo opens to visitors as usual. The animals of the zoo, which has fallen on hard times, make the usual animal sounds that visitors expect them to make


CHILD VISITOR

Look mom – a zebra! How many stripes do you think it has?

 

MOM

Who knows. A lot for sure

 

CHILD

A trillion? Can I feed him, mom?

 

MOM

We don’t feed the zoo animals, sweetie. They have keepers who do that

ZEBRA
(to himself)

Could'a fooled me

 

CHILD

But…there’s a machine here with zebra food. All you have to do is put in some money and food falls out

 

MOM

Let’s see...five dollars to feed a zebra? Um…perhaps another time

 

CHILD

But mom – we only come here once in a while. He looks like he’s hungry. His bones are sticking out on his side

ZEBRA
(to himself)

Listen to your son, mom. Better give them my sunken, sad-eyes look

CHILD
He looks really sad

 

MOM

Five dollars is a bit too much, sweetheart. Why don’t we go see the other animals

 

ZEBRA

Um…excuse me, lady. May I interject here?

 

CHILD

Look! The zebra speaks just like we do

 

MOM

Don’t be silly. Zebras don’t talk…

 

CHILD

But…I heard it with my own ears

 

MOM

There’s probably a speaker hidden somewhere in the cage. Zebras don’t talk. Let’s move along…

 

ZEBRA

They do when the situation calls for it and this qualifies. May I have your ear for a moment? I don't mean for lunch or anything although it does look appealing. Just a little levity to ease this dire situation

 

MOM

Okay. You got me. Is it on the zebra itself? Where'd you hide the speaker?

 

(she searches the cage)

 

 

 ZEBRA

Really – there are no speakers. We’ve always had this ability but kept it quiet because that’s what humans expect of zebras. Listen lady -  why don’t you give your son five dollars for the feeding machine?

 

MOM

I’ll bite. This is one of those TV shows where you catch people off guard, right? I’m not forking over five dollars because it’s too-much-money. Got that, TV people?

 

ZEBRA

See…thing is – the zoo has fallen on hard times and consequently has cut back on the amount of food we get. Look at my rib cage. Mere skin and bones. I’m really hungry! The last time I had a decent meal was breakfast yesterday. Give the kid five bucks. Please! Unless you want the slow but certain demise of a zebra on your conscience

 

MOM

(laughing)

What next? When will the program be on, anyway? We might be on TV, sweetie!

 

ZEBRA

(shaking its head sadly)

Yeah – you’re right on. There’s somebody manipulating my mouth. The producer is telling me now that they need some visuals of you putting money in the machine and feeding me for the show

 

MOM

Surrrre!

 (opens purse, takes out five dollars and enters it in the slot. She smiles broadly)

 

I’ll go along. See? 'Putting five dollars in the machine.' Here honey – feed the zebra

 

(boy feeds food to the zebra who gobbles it up immediately)

 

What’s the name of the TV show, anyway?

 

ZEBRA

‘Desperation’ but you might find it difficult to find in your TV listings.

 

MOM

We’ll look for it. Let’s go see the cheetahs now, honey

 

(the mother and her child move along. A rat enters the zebra cage)

 

RAT

So how’d it go?

 

ZEBRA

Managed to get something but it was a hard sell, let me tell you!

 

RAT

Did you do your usual tap dance routine or stand there staring at them and looking pathetic?

 

ZEBRA

Neh. Told them they were part of a TV show and that the producers wanted images of them feeding me

SOUND: Cheetah roaring

RAT

Heard that they're thinking of doubling up animals in cages to save space. Cheetah told me yesterday that he's willing to share his cage with you

ZEBRA

Oh I'm sure he'd love that

 RAT

You never told me we were gonna be on TV. Gotta go spread the word to the rest of the animals. What’s the name of the program, anyway?

 

ZEBRA

It's not real…I only said that to… Desperation. The name of the show is Desperation

 

RAT

Desperation?

 

ZEBRA

Indeed


(to be continued)

Arks to Go II - the Flood: calling Noah

SCENE: ANGIE'S APARTMENT.

ANGIE scans the telephone directory

ANGIE
Good I kept this old phone directory. Let's see here... H....J...N...What would he be listed, under? Duh! I'm so dense! Logically, has'ta be under boat building. If only I could remember the name of his company. The Ark Store? Try that. Good a name as any. Nope - not listed. How about...Arks for All... This is  ridiculous. They're a gazillion possibilities. Maybe he gave up his land phone, which would make this search an exercise in futility. Should have been nicer to him. I mean, he is old and all and meant well I suppose...and he did introduce me to a decent guy even though it didn't work out...What did I do in return in the way of thanks? Told him to take his ark and...

Phone rings. ANGIE answers

ANGIE
Hello?

She hears heavy breathing

ANGIE (cont'd.)
Anybody there?

Still more heavy breathing

ANGIE
Do we have us a pervert, here? Really, your type are so obvious. Disgusting, vile, dregs of the earth...

NOAH
Guess who?

ANGIE
...sewer slime... Noah? That you?

NOAH
Bad cold...

(he sneezes and coughs)

ANGIE
Good that you stopped me. I was about to direct some very bad language at what I thought was one of those heavy breather pieces of garbage that pollute the earth...

NOAH
(sneezes)
I understand you were trying to reach me?

ANGIE
I misplaced your number and was trying to touch base with you again, but how did you know?

NOAH
(coughing)
Let's just say that - (sneezes) -

ANGIE
...bless you...

NOAH
I am that. As I was saying...I have connections. What's up?

ANGIE
I've been thinking things over and - well - perhaps I've been too rash in my judgement of your project

NOAH
(coughing and blowing his nose)
As I recall in our last conversation, you made it clear that you didn't want to hear from me ever again

ANGIE
That was then. This is now. Sometimes my mouth gets the better of me and things roll out of my mouth that I don't mean

NOAH
As in?

ANGIE
Not giving you the benefit of the doubt and questioning your authenticity. I should have trusted in you but nooooo... Instead I gave you your walking papers or in this case, your sailing papers...

NOAH
Are you trying to say you've re-considered helping me rebuild the ark?

ANGIE
You got it - if you'll have me

NOAH
How do I know that you won't lose interest like before. Time is marching on and bad weather is just around the corner.

ANGIE
 Let's just say that I've come to the realization that there are more important things in life than finding mister right

NOAH
(sneezing repeatedly)
No time like the present to get back to work.

ANGIE
Where do we start?

NOAH
There are some conditions, though

ANGIE
I knew it was too good to be true

NOAH
Nothing that you can't handle

ANGIE
Like?

NOAH
Your duties will include keeping the interior of the ark clean, when it's built of course

ANGIE
You have to be joking. All those animals...

NOAH
I'm not finished. You will also have to play the roll of peace maker

(NOAH sneezes)

ANGIE
Bless you!

NOAH
I am

ANGIE
But...there are so many species. How do I communicate with them?

NOAH
Darn if I know but I have every confidence you'll find a way. Time is marching on and there's a lot to do. I'll  send Roger to come pick you up

ANGIE
Would this be the male representation to me? I better wash my hair...and pick my wardrobe to take with me...don't want to give a first bad impression...

NOAH
Really - Roger doesn't care about those things

ANGIE
Has he seen a photo of me, perchance?

NOAH
I did show him the one that we took together. Roger never forgets a face

ANGIE
Oh really?

NOAH
I'm sending him over to pick you up. He should be there in ten minutes.

ANGIE
Hello...? Noah...? Better get dressed for the occasion. Want to make a good impression

(Ten minutes later the doorbell rings. ANGIE opens the door)

ANGIE (cont'd)

Just a minute...com-ing! I've heard so much about you...

(Angie opens the door and jumps back)

ANGIE (cont'd.)
You're...Roger?

(TO BE CONTINUED)

A playette and short version of "Neighbors" - in honor of National Good Neighbors Day

Some calendars note that today being September 28th, has been put aside to celebrate National Good Neighbors Day. The origin of this  not-so-well-known holiday (I wasn't aware of its existence) dates back to the early 1970's, when one Mrs. Becky Mattson from Lakeside, Montana, recognized the importance of good neighbors, and started the effort to make this a National day. Assisted by congressman Mike Mansfield, she succeed in getting three presidents (Nixon, Ford, and Carter)  to issue proclamations, along with numerous governors. In 2003, the U.S. Senate passed a resolution, sponsored by Montana.

To mark this interesting holiday, I'm sharing the short/playette version of my play, "Neighbors" It's based on the real life feud between two neighbors that lived next door to each other down the street from where we lived, over the placement of shrubs on what both believed to be on their property. Never did find out the end result but their verbal updates inspired the play.

NEIGHBORS

By Eleanor Tylbor

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

John Taylor, 35,     Perfectionist and fussy next door neighbor of PORTMAN

Robbie Portman, 37,  Easy-going neighbor of TAYLOR

 

THE TIME

Mid-summer. Morning

THE PLACE

Back garden
 

 

TAYLOR digs in his vegetable patch clad in dress slacks, a short sleeved dress shirt and tie

PORTMAN wearing creased shorts and t-shirt, relaxes in a hammock, beer bottle in hand

SOUND: LAWNMOWER

TAYLOR

              Wipes sweat with handkerchief, leans on

              rake while talking to TAYLOR, pausing for

              a reaction after every statement

Too hot for digging, today. Must be a hundred degrees in the shade for sure. 'Course some people don’t care ‘bout how their lawn looks… Take you for example – somebody – anybody - please?

 

PORTMAN

Is that neighbor Taylor tryin’ to be a comedian? Neh! More likely a squirrel in heat

TAYLOR

Does the thought ever cross your mind to do something useful like - work, perhaps?

PORTMAN

               PORTMAN holds beer bottle up to the light

               and bends down to pick up another

My bottle is empty and I gotta bend down and get me another in this heat, but somebody's gotta do it. Might as well be me

TAYLOR

You have to be the laziest person in the whole neighborhood AND an alcoholic to boot. I won’t even talk about your lawn...

PORTMAN

…so don’t…

TAYLOR

…not to mention the dilapidated exterior of your house is the worst eyesore on the block

PORTMAN

Like it? It’s a new look I’m trying out. I call it lawnmower-free-expressive

TAYLOR

Condemned-modern more likely. When you gonna do something useful for a change?

PORTMAN

But I did. I reached down for a beer

TAYLOR

You are aware that your property is lowering the value of mine and everyone else. Some of us take pleasure in having a decent looking garden -

PORTMAN

- and some of us couldn’t give a damn. Looks just fine t’me

 TAYLOR

When you gonna join the real world and become a contributing member of society?
 

PORTMAN

(ignoring TAYLOR)

Always with questions and more questions. Hey – I get it! You’re practicin' for a quiz show. Right? ‘Potent potables for a thousand.’ Don’t mind if I do

               PORTMAN takes a sip of beer

‘Down the hatch and over the tongue – look out stomach  – down it comes!’ Here’s mud in both your eyes

 TAYLOR

Guess now's a good time as any. About those shrubs of yours…

 PORTMAN

Take a hike - preferably in the middle of the street in oncoming traffic

TAYLOR

I know I've warned you about them in the past but this time I really mean it. They could – like - mysteriously burn down one night. Know what I mean? Fires start so easily in dry hot weather

PORTMAN

They ain’t botherin’ me none but you do!

TAYLOR

They’re blocking the sunlight from shining on my side of the garden and my tomato crop needs sun to ripen them

PORTMAN

You're bugging me. Make like a bee and buzz off

TAYLOR

You must be blind not to see they’re a good two feet on my side of the fence. Here - lemme show you the city plan so you can see once and for all that I know what I’m talking about
 

PORTMAN

No need to! You probably paid off someone at City Hall to measure in your favor. Now where’d I put those ear plugs to block out the sound of your nagging…

TAYLOR

See, thing is, I got plans for those extra couple of feet you stole

PORTMAN

Gimme a break! Wait! I get it now! You wanna make a par-3 golf course and charge people t’get in. Get lost. I’m trying to read this book

TAYLOR

And what are we reading these days? The latest in the “See Spot Run” series? Listen you lazy son-of-a-bitch -

PORTMAN

Omyheavens! Such bad words! Your wifey is gonna hav'ta wash your mouth out with soap

TAYLOR

Cut them down by tomorrow, Portman, or I’m gonna take things into my own hands if you get my drift

PORTMAN

In your dreams, veggie boy! I got better things to do with my time than dig up ten foot shrubs

TAYLOR

While I have your attention span, which lasts about as long as a flea hunting for dog's fur, the branches of your rotten apple tree are hanging over on my side of the fence, again

PORTMAN

Don’t stop you from pickin’ up all them apples that happen t'land in your yard

TAYLOR

Why would I want them since they’re full of worm holes, like your brain. Obviously, threats don’t work so I guess I'll have to go hire me a lawyer and take you to court. We’ll let a judge decide who owns what

PORTMAN

Got a particular liar – um – lawyer in mind? Try Mitch Cassidy. I hear he specializes in lost causes

TAYLOR

That’s right, man. Make jokes and drink away your problems. Your brain is so fermented, you don't realize the ramifications of legal action
 

PORTMAN

I'm so scared! Can't you tell how scared I am? All that hot air comin’ from your side of the fence has given me a ragin’ thirst. To my health!

TAYLOR

If you’d simply have checked your house plans before you moved in, all of this antagonism between us could have been avoided and we wouldn't have to waste time being at each others throats

PORTMAN

The plan would’a told me what I already know is true. The bushes are on my side! Go stroke your cucumbers or somethin'

 TAYLOR

I need to cut my grass but I can’t because you never returned my lawnmower you borrowed a month ago!

PORTMAN

You could always use a cow. Wait a minute! You’re married to one!

TAYLOR

Shut your – your - filthy mouth! You’re treading on dangerous ground, now, so be very careful what you say next
 

PORTMAN

'Oh Mommy – save me!’ What a joke you are, man!

TAYLOR

Fine. If that's the way you want it. I’m finished with the threats. You can expect a registered letter in the mail from my lawyer

PORTMAN

You sendin’ me a love letter? Always had my doubts ‘bout you if you get my drift. Now I know why there’s so many of them there panty hose hangin’ on your line

TAYLOR

Why your wife hasn’t left you is beyond me but like they say, love is blind. How is the lovely Harriet anyway? Still working? Thank goodness, since someone has to pay the mortgage payments

PORTMAN

That new car o’yours fixed yet? Too bad your Julie ran it into the garage door. Got a problem with her reverse and drive but it’s understandable being married to you and all

TAYLOR

At least we have a car that runs unlike that bundle of rust that’s been rotting in the driveway for who-knows-how-long. Then again it matches the rest of your house

PORTMAN

Don’t bother me none

TAYLOR

I’m feeling ambitious today. Just might go rent me one of those big tree cutters and do the job myself

 

PORTMAN

Over my dead body you will!

TAYLOR

That can easily be arranged. Just stick your head through the shrubs while I’m cutting. That way you can save money on a hair cut

PORTMAN

Keep your slimy hands off’a my shrubs or…

TAYLOR

…or you’ll what? Stop me? You’re so out of shape you can’t lift one leg over the fence

PORTMAN           

               PORTMAN jumps up, runs to the fence and

               grabs TAYLOR’s shirt through the fence slats 

Wanna see what these hands can do? They can squeeze your throat ‘til you turn blue

TAYLOR

Let go my shirt! If you tear it…

PORTMAN

…you’ll go cry to Julie how the bad man next door ripped it?

               PORTMAN releases his hold

Forget it. You’re not worth the trouble

               PORTMAN returns to his hammock

TAYLOR

Go on! Go back to what you were doing…what you always do,

nothing. Zippo. Nada. Don’t be surprised if you hear a loud noise in the middle of the night and wake up to find a bunch of holes where your shrubs used to be!

PORTMAN

Blah-blah-blah - been there, heard it all before

TAYLOR

Don’t think I won’t do it – ‘cause I will! I mean it!

PORTMAN

Sure you mean it. You’ll do it like you’ve been doing since we’ve lived next door to each other. By the way and because I'm a nice guy and all - it’s gone nine o'clock already

TAYLOR

Shoot! You made me miss my morning train commute! Now I gotta wait another hour for the next one. Somehow, you always manage to bring out the worst in me

PORTMAN

And you know you love every minute of it. There’s a word for people like you
 

TAYLOR

And what would that be, he asked, afraid to hear the answer

PORTMAN

Pain-in-the-butt neighbor. Uh-oh - you’re gonna miss the next one if you don't move your butt

TAYLOR

Are you planning to watch the big game tonight?

PORTMAN

Wha'cha wanna know for? You ain’t gonna call the cops on me again

TAYLOR

Hey! I thought someone was robbing your house and I was just looking out for your best interests

PORTMAN

Bull-doo-doo! So how come when they asked you if I was the owner of the house, you told them no. I ended up spending half the night in jail. Thank goodness Harriet came t'bail me out

 

TAYLOR

Doesn't she always in more ways than one. Anyway, it was a case of mistaken identity. Pure and simple. I was thinking here that maybe –um - we could, like, watch the game together?

PORTMAN

Since when do you like sports?

TAYLOR

I’ll have you know I used to play on my company’s croquet team
 

PORTMAN

Croquet. Now that's a serious contact game. You’re serious. You wanna watch the game - together?

TAYLOR

I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t mean it. I’ll even bring over some beer

PORTMAN

You mean that yellow-colored pissy-crap you drink? Lemme bring over some real stuff. If we’re gonna watch together, you gotta drink my brand

TAYLOR

You know - we've been bickering like this for how many years, now? Twenty? Maybe more? Yet somehow, can’t figure out how, we've managed to stay talking to each other. That has to mean something. Something binds our friendship

PORTMAN

Maybe friendship would be pushin' it a bit but you're right. You talk – I gotta listen

TAYLOR

By the way you can tell Harriet the tomatoes are ripe. Left a bag on your front porch. Ask her if I supply the apples if she'll make another one of her delicious pies. Your wife is one great baker!

PORTMAN

Don't hav'ta tell me that. Gained ten pounds this year with all them apples you been supplying her with. You tryin' to gimme a heart attack?

TAYLOR

Oh and Portman - maybe during half time, we could – like – discuss the shrubs? I mean, it doesn't hurt to talk about them calmly. Right? After all – at the heart of all, there's a deep brotherly love for each other. So are we still on for tonight?

PORTMAN

Brotherly love and shrubs. Why do I even bother?

TAYLOR

Figured it was worth a shot. Anway,I’m out’ta here. Don’t stay out in the sun too long ‘cause it’ll fry whatever brain you have left. Some of us gotta work for a living...

PORTMAN

…and some of us like to watch our shrubs grow tall.


© 2013 Eleanor Tylbor