GOING TO THE ENDING TO GET TO THE BEGINNING
Rather than start another play and half-way through come to the realization that: a) there is no ending or the ending doesn't match the rest or b) it's full of crap, I'm still in the thinking stage. Perhaps John Irving wouldn't approve but then again, I kind'a think he would.
Can't speak for others but writing a play, short or otherwise, comes easy when the idea is good and I can relate to the concept personally.
Read somewhere - can't trace down the source - that Woody Allen, director, writer etc. etc. starts his script with one word. This to me is incredible! He actually builds his script from one word. Mind you I've got ideas that worked for my mini-plays while sitting in a hair stylist chair and in my dentist's office. No matter where I am, I study and take notes. Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't but when it does, as I've written many times before, it's magic.
The more I'm writing this, the more ideas are flowing through/into my brain so I better take advantage of my muse. It could be a quick visit.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Perhaps a solution to my dilemma is at hand and it's thanks to John Irving.
As a subscriber to playwriting discussion forums, it's interesting and informative to read other playwright's opinions on the craft. Subjects that focus on how they overcome barriers when working out plots and endings is of particular interest to me, at least at this point.
I've shared...make that bemoaned my 'ending' problem ad nauseum here in this blog, attempting to convert a what was written as a short play into an hour radio play in order to enter the BBC International Playwriting Competition. The beginning moves along nicely until reaching the middle stage, at which point one arrives at the realization that there is no ending. This is the point where I question whether to continue pursuing playwriting especially since none of my plays have been produced.
Reading through one of the forums, there was one of those "eureka!!" moments upon reading the opinion (and advice) of novelist and Academy Award winning screenwriter, John Irving, who shared his philosophy on starting a new writing project:
"I begin with endings, with last sentences -- usually more than one sentence, often a last paragraph (or two). I compose an ending and write toward it, as if the ending were a piece of music I could hear -- no matter how many years ahead of me it is waiting."
This got me excited thinking that perhaps this could be a solution to my"never-ending" dilemma or at least something worth trying. There are two possible plays that I'm toying with submitting to the competition. As aside my two-act plays wrote themselves as did my one and only film script. In my wedding play, it ended with a wedding in an unusual setting but I knew exactly the direction the play should go and how it should get there. Does this make sense? My "Gin..." play on the other hand, had a few changes along the way, while my children"s script wrote itself since it was based on a personal childhood experience.
Perhaps I should put aside what has been written and focus on producing sentences that could lead to moving in a new direction or even a new play. Look - if it's good enough for John Irving, it's certainly good enough for me.
As a subscriber to playwriting discussion forums, it's interesting and informative to read other playwright's opinions on the craft. Subjects that focus on how they overcome barriers when working out plots and endings is of particular interest to me, at least at this point.
I've shared...make that bemoaned my 'ending' problem ad nauseum here in this blog, attempting to convert a what was written as a short play into an hour radio play in order to enter the BBC International Playwriting Competition. The beginning moves along nicely until reaching the middle stage, at which point one arrives at the realization that there is no ending. This is the point where I question whether to continue pursuing playwriting especially since none of my plays have been produced.
Reading through one of the forums, there was one of those "eureka!!" moments upon reading the opinion (and advice) of novelist and Academy Award winning screenwriter, John Irving, who shared his philosophy on starting a new writing project:
"I begin with endings, with last sentences -- usually more than one sentence, often a last paragraph (or two). I compose an ending and write toward it, as if the ending were a piece of music I could hear -- no matter how many years ahead of me it is waiting."
This got me excited thinking that perhaps this could be a solution to my"never-ending" dilemma or at least something worth trying. There are two possible plays that I'm toying with submitting to the competition. As aside my two-act plays wrote themselves as did my one and only film script. In my wedding play, it ended with a wedding in an unusual setting but I knew exactly the direction the play should go and how it should get there. Does this make sense? My "Gin..." play on the other hand, had a few changes along the way, while my children"s script wrote itself since it was based on a personal childhood experience.
Perhaps I should put aside what has been written and focus on producing sentences that could lead to moving in a new direction or even a new play. Look - if it's good enough for John Irving, it's certainly good enough for me.
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
THREE DREADED R'S: REVISION, RE-THINKING, RE-WRITING OF "NEIGHBORS"
*UPDATE NUMBER 3
Do I sound frustrated? Trying not to be but am reaching that point (insert lots of sighs here).
Last night and this morning, did some more editing on "Neighbors." Can't call it a play - yet - since it's still in the revision stage. That in itself is a problem but there's also this on-going annoyance that gnaws at me like a dog with a bone.
Having reached and read and did some revisions until sixty pages, there is still no resolution. This makes me think as to whether there is a problem that can be resolved or whether there is a problem, period. It's obvious at this point that I'm going to have to do some major editing and change of direction. One of the characters may have to be eliminated since his contribution to the story line really isn't necessary. In other words - the story could survive without the character.
I've got a dramatic ending in mind but this can't be accomplished unless the story is shortened, somewhat, so it can play out naturally. The female character would play a major role along with one of the lead characters.
I'm also toying with the idea - strictly at the idea stage - of having something dramatic occur in the bar i.e. a hold-up...something. That means there are two possible endings. Perhaps one of the characters would save the life of the other, something totally out of character... Really - I don't know at this point.
Lots of choices and directions to go and time is marching on. But am I?
*UPDATE NUMBER 3
Do I sound frustrated? Trying not to be but am reaching that point (insert lots of sighs here).
Last night and this morning, did some more editing on "Neighbors." Can't call it a play - yet - since it's still in the revision stage. That in itself is a problem but there's also this on-going annoyance that gnaws at me like a dog with a bone.
Having reached and read and did some revisions until sixty pages, there is still no resolution. This makes me think as to whether there is a problem that can be resolved or whether there is a problem, period. It's obvious at this point that I'm going to have to do some major editing and change of direction. One of the characters may have to be eliminated since his contribution to the story line really isn't necessary. In other words - the story could survive without the character.
I've got a dramatic ending in mind but this can't be accomplished unless the story is shortened, somewhat, so it can play out naturally. The female character would play a major role along with one of the lead characters.
I'm also toying with the idea - strictly at the idea stage - of having something dramatic occur in the bar i.e. a hold-up...something. That means there are two possible endings. Perhaps one of the characters would save the life of the other, something totally out of character... Really - I don't know at this point.
Lots of choices and directions to go and time is marching on. But am I?
Monday, May 07, 2012
"Give us another update on your play re-write, Eleanor"
So I check into Facebook as is my habit, and I notice that the BBC has added a blurb that entries are already rolling in for the BBC International Playwriting Competition. They're very excited but I, on the other hand, am verklempt. Rough translation: pffffft. Then again and thinking further, perhaps those early-bird playwrights already had a 60 min. play and all they had to do was submit it. Or, perhaps, their muse paid them a visit (lucky them!). Meanwhile, I'm still working on an ending. You would think that an ending should be easy, You know the story-line, you know the characters and logically, one should know the ending. When does logic enter in the pictures, anyway? In reading playwriting blogs and pieces by seasoned playwrights, they are of the opinion that one should know the ending before embarking on writing the play. What worries me is that all my completed plays were written with ease from beginning to end. In "Neighbors", I'm already experincing problems.
I've reached the 28 page stage, which would be just over a 20-minute short play. It was written initially as a 20 minute short play and then re-written as a full play in the making, and now adapted to a sixty minute play. Maybe it was a good idea at the time but...
I'm already getting jumpy about having it ready for the deadline - but this is an old story.
"So what is the problem, girl?".
One character, Rob Portman, has a love interest, which is interesting but I'm not sure if I'm going off on a tangent moving in this direction. She is the only female character in the play and I'm not sure whether she's really ncessary.
Questions I'm asking myself:
- why have I included her
- what does she add to the story, if anything
She would reveal a tender side of Rob and elicit sympathy to his character, but then does he need sympathy?
Lots of questions and a lot of searching for answers, for sure.
So I check into Facebook as is my habit, and I notice that the BBC has added a blurb that entries are already rolling in for the BBC International Playwriting Competition. They're very excited but I, on the other hand, am verklempt. Rough translation: pffffft. Then again and thinking further, perhaps those early-bird playwrights already had a 60 min. play and all they had to do was submit it. Or, perhaps, their muse paid them a visit (lucky them!). Meanwhile, I'm still working on an ending. You would think that an ending should be easy, You know the story-line, you know the characters and logically, one should know the ending. When does logic enter in the pictures, anyway? In reading playwriting blogs and pieces by seasoned playwrights, they are of the opinion that one should know the ending before embarking on writing the play. What worries me is that all my completed plays were written with ease from beginning to end. In "Neighbors", I'm already experincing problems.
I've reached the 28 page stage, which would be just over a 20-minute short play. It was written initially as a 20 minute short play and then re-written as a full play in the making, and now adapted to a sixty minute play. Maybe it was a good idea at the time but...
I'm already getting jumpy about having it ready for the deadline - but this is an old story.
"So what is the problem, girl?".
One character, Rob Portman, has a love interest, which is interesting but I'm not sure if I'm going off on a tangent moving in this direction. She is the only female character in the play and I'm not sure whether she's really ncessary.
Questions I'm asking myself:
- why have I included her
- what does she add to the story, if anything
She would reveal a tender side of Rob and elicit sympathy to his character, but then does he need sympathy?
Lots of questions and a lot of searching for answers, for sure.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
"So Eleanor - tells us how it's going with your BBC project."
Well - you know there's hesitancy when starting a sentence using the word 'well' - I'm making progress but have encountered a problem.
"Already? What's the dilemma?"
I've been editing the play from the beginning and making changes as I go along. It occurred to me after writing about a quarter of the way through that I should read the play through to the end. This was a revelation in that I realized I hadn't provided an ending to the play since, as I recall, I had inteded to turn it into a full 2-hour play. Best laid plans and all that. In any case, a definite roadblock.
The play itself has potential but has to be flushed out. This is the story of my playwriting life. The dialogue requires some cutting and blending and of course most importantly, an ending. So now I'm trying to figure out how and where to cut and stream-line. In other words - a re-think.
Frequently, when I'm stuck, I mentally go through a process where we i.e. characters and myself, have a conversation in the form of a question and answer period. This helps. We're already communicating to move the process along.
"So do you think you'll be ready to submit by the May deadline?"
Hopefully, I'm making a concerted effort since this was one of my first plays I ever wrote and it has definite potential. Famous last words...
Well - you know there's hesitancy when starting a sentence using the word 'well' - I'm making progress but have encountered a problem.
"Already? What's the dilemma?"
I've been editing the play from the beginning and making changes as I go along. It occurred to me after writing about a quarter of the way through that I should read the play through to the end. This was a revelation in that I realized I hadn't provided an ending to the play since, as I recall, I had inteded to turn it into a full 2-hour play. Best laid plans and all that. In any case, a definite roadblock.
The play itself has potential but has to be flushed out. This is the story of my playwriting life. The dialogue requires some cutting and blending and of course most importantly, an ending. So now I'm trying to figure out how and where to cut and stream-line. In other words - a re-think.
Frequently, when I'm stuck, I mentally go through a process where we i.e. characters and myself, have a conversation in the form of a question and answer period. This helps. We're already communicating to move the process along.
"So do you think you'll be ready to submit by the May deadline?"
Hopefully, I'm making a concerted effort since this was one of my first plays I ever wrote and it has definite potential. Famous last words...
Thursday, April 26, 2012
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
THE MISSING SOCK DILEMMA
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: AT THE POLICE STATION: a woman walks in a police station, a large plastic bag in her hand. Person walks to the front desk.
POLICE OFFICER
Can I help you?
WOMAN
I want to report a robbery
POLICE OFFICER
Do you want to file a report?
WOMAN
You bet!
POLICE OFFICER
What type of a robbery? A break-in your house?
WOMAN
No
POLICE OFFICER
A purse snatching?
WOMAN
None of those
(she dumps bag of socks on to the counter/front desk)
POLICE OFFICER
Um...I'm sorry?
WOMAN
So am I. Believe me
POLICE OFFICER
What's going on?
WOMAN
I'll tell you what's going on. Somebody in this city is stealing socks!
POLICE OFFICER
Come again? Did you say, stealing...socks?
WOMAN
Somebody, I don't know who, is stealing socks from my clothes dryer. This pile of socks here are all "one-sies." They are all alone in the world without a mate
POLICE OFFICER
I see... Perhaps - and I'm just saying - you somehow missplaced them?
WOMAN
You sound just like my husband. He tells me the same thing but I know somebody is stealing them! Thing is - there are no windows in my laundry room
POLICE OFFICER
Well then - perhaps - and I'm just guessing - they dropped out when you were sorting them
WOMAN
I'm always very careful to empty the dryer and check and double-check that there's nothing left in there. So? Are you going to make a report?
POLICE OFFICER
Um - it's very unusual to make a report on missing socks
WOMAN
(picking up socks and bringing them close to police officer's face)
Look at these - brand new socks missing a mate. This is an accumulation of one-sies over the last five year period
POLICE OFFICER
(laughing)
You sound just like my wife. She complains about the same thing. Believes that the socks are sucked into the dryer exhaust and then through pipes
WOMAN
Aha! Your house too, huh? It's my belief that there's a gang of sock thieves working dryer pipes and re-selling them to people who are trying to match their missing socks.
POLICE OFFICER
I don't think so.
WOMAN
So where do YOU think they go? Huh?
POLICE OFFICER
I really can't say...often wondered that myself...(laughing) Maybe it's alien abductions
WOMAN
Officer - I am not crazy. I am a woman who is sick-and-tired of having to buy new socks, only to see them stolen within a few weeks.
POLICE OFFICER
To be honest m'am - we don't have officers with expertise in sock bandits and we're short on staff...
WOMAN
So you're not going to do anything about it?
POLICE OFFICER
Afraid not. Look - I understand your situation and I don't have any answers
(another person approaches the front desk, bag in hand)
OFFICER
Can I help you?
MAN
I'm hoping so.
(empties bag of socks on desk)
I'd like to report missing socks...
WOMAN
(jumping in)
...you too? I'm here for the same thing.
OFFICER
Why don't you two go...somewhere and compare your sock collection? Between the two of you, you just may make some pairs!
WOMAN
Well...it's worth a shot!
(gathering up socks and putting them in bag and walking out of the door)
So...how long have your socks gone missing?
MAN
Ever since the alien abduction...
THE MISSING SOCK DILEMMA
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: AT THE POLICE STATION: a woman walks in a police station, a large plastic bag in her hand. Person walks to the front desk.
POLICE OFFICER
Can I help you?
WOMAN
I want to report a robbery
POLICE OFFICER
Do you want to file a report?
WOMAN
You bet!
POLICE OFFICER
What type of a robbery? A break-in your house?
WOMAN
No
POLICE OFFICER
A purse snatching?
WOMAN
None of those
(she dumps bag of socks on to the counter/front desk)
POLICE OFFICER
Um...I'm sorry?
WOMAN
So am I. Believe me
POLICE OFFICER
What's going on?
WOMAN
I'll tell you what's going on. Somebody in this city is stealing socks!
POLICE OFFICER
Come again? Did you say, stealing...socks?
WOMAN
Somebody, I don't know who, is stealing socks from my clothes dryer. This pile of socks here are all "one-sies." They are all alone in the world without a mate
POLICE OFFICER
I see... Perhaps - and I'm just saying - you somehow missplaced them?
WOMAN
You sound just like my husband. He tells me the same thing but I know somebody is stealing them! Thing is - there are no windows in my laundry room
POLICE OFFICER
Well then - perhaps - and I'm just guessing - they dropped out when you were sorting them
WOMAN
I'm always very careful to empty the dryer and check and double-check that there's nothing left in there. So? Are you going to make a report?
POLICE OFFICER
Um - it's very unusual to make a report on missing socks
WOMAN
(picking up socks and bringing them close to police officer's face)
Look at these - brand new socks missing a mate. This is an accumulation of one-sies over the last five year period
POLICE OFFICER
(laughing)
You sound just like my wife. She complains about the same thing. Believes that the socks are sucked into the dryer exhaust and then through pipes
WOMAN
Aha! Your house too, huh? It's my belief that there's a gang of sock thieves working dryer pipes and re-selling them to people who are trying to match their missing socks.
POLICE OFFICER
I don't think so.
WOMAN
So where do YOU think they go? Huh?
POLICE OFFICER
I really can't say...often wondered that myself...(laughing) Maybe it's alien abductions
WOMAN
Officer - I am not crazy. I am a woman who is sick-and-tired of having to buy new socks, only to see them stolen within a few weeks.
POLICE OFFICER
To be honest m'am - we don't have officers with expertise in sock bandits and we're short on staff...
WOMAN
So you're not going to do anything about it?
POLICE OFFICER
Afraid not. Look - I understand your situation and I don't have any answers
(another person approaches the front desk, bag in hand)
OFFICER
Can I help you?
MAN
I'm hoping so.
(empties bag of socks on desk)
I'd like to report missing socks...
WOMAN
(jumping in)
...you too? I'm here for the same thing.
OFFICER
Why don't you two go...somewhere and compare your sock collection? Between the two of you, you just may make some pairs!
WOMAN
Well...it's worth a shot!
(gathering up socks and putting them in bag and walking out of the door)
So...how long have your socks gone missing?
MAN
Ever since the alien abduction...
Friday, April 20, 2012
BBC RADIO COMPETITION IS BECKONING ME - AGAIN
"Two new pieces in your playwriting blog in one day! Must be something really important, Eleanor!"
Yes it is...could be...maybe...one hopes
Anybody who drops by this blog is familiar with my continuous effort and accompanying angst to write a radio play for the BBC International Playwriting Competition. This year my idea and hope was to turn my "Old Soldiers" story into a radio play and enter it in the competition. However - I abhor that word - my intent wasn't realized in producing dialogue and once again what I thought was the deadline for entries, passed. My problem was coming up with sound effects that would carry the story line. Perhaps, in retrospect, I just wasn't committed enough to make it work. It's always the could-have, would-have and should-have that get you in the end.
In any case, just did a routine check on my Facebook page and something exciting jumped up at me:
"Exciting news! The 2012 International Playwriting Competition will open on May 1st. Plays can be on any topic but must be 53 minutes long. Details of how to enter and more information will soon be available at www.bbcworldservice.com/radioplay It’s time to get writing!"
This is really thrilling news because this means that there is yet another opportunity to submit. Perhaps a good idea would be to write something new from scratch. As the blurb advises - "it's time to get writing!"
Yup it is. As in the past, will be providing progerss reports - hopefully.
"So do you think you"ll have the carry-through to enter this time, Eleanor?" my muse just asked me.
Hope springs eternal. Right?
"Two new pieces in your playwriting blog in one day! Must be something really important, Eleanor!"
Yes it is...could be...maybe...one hopes
Anybody who drops by this blog is familiar with my continuous effort and accompanying angst to write a radio play for the BBC International Playwriting Competition. This year my idea and hope was to turn my "Old Soldiers" story into a radio play and enter it in the competition. However - I abhor that word - my intent wasn't realized in producing dialogue and once again what I thought was the deadline for entries, passed. My problem was coming up with sound effects that would carry the story line. Perhaps, in retrospect, I just wasn't committed enough to make it work. It's always the could-have, would-have and should-have that get you in the end.
In any case, just did a routine check on my Facebook page and something exciting jumped up at me:
"Exciting news! The 2012 International Playwriting Competition will open on May 1st. Plays can be on any topic but must be 53 minutes long. Details of how to enter and more information will soon be available at www.bbcworldservice.com/
This is really thrilling news because this means that there is yet another opportunity to submit. Perhaps a good idea would be to write something new from scratch. As the blurb advises - "it's time to get writing!"
Yup it is. As in the past, will be providing progerss reports - hopefully.
"So do you think you"ll have the carry-through to enter this time, Eleanor?" my muse just asked me.
Hope springs eternal. Right?
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE GARDEN CENTRE
SCENE: CUSTOMER STANDS AT THE RETURN COUNTER IN GARDEN CENTRE, HOLDING A PAPER BAG OPEN AT THE TOP
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
"Number 14...who's number 14?"
CUSTOMER
Here! That would be me! See? Here's my ticket. Number 14
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Now that we've agreed on that, what can I do for you?
CUSTOMER
I'd like to return these plants, please
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Flowering or green?
(customer opens bag, removes contents and places them on counter earth spilling everywhere)
CUSTOMER
These plants. They're annuals as you can tell...then again, maybe you don't garden...not everyone likes to play in dirt. That's a little garden humor, there!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Come again? You want to return...dead garden plants. Now I've heard it all
CUSTOMER
You have a money-back-no-questions-asked policy?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Yes but...
CUSTOMER
...well - these former, vibrant living things are no longer in this world. Gone to see their maker. Never to feel the heat of the sun, again. I have the bill here...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - those plants are dead!
CUSTOMER
Right - and that's why I'm returning them! Oh the angst and guilt of garden passings!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
That doesn't include plants!
CUSTOMER
Show me where it says that. Money back is money back. Besides, how do I know that you don't sell defective or sick plants?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - we have a reputation to uphold.
CUSTOMER
Thinking back, they died almost immediately. That should tell you something!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
When did you plant these? They're a collection of black mush. Can't even tell what they were
CUSTOMER
They were dahlias. Planted them the week that you started selling them. Sometime in March...I think... Yup - March
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
March? You planted these in...March? The ground was still frozen! How did you even get a spade in the ground
CUSTOMER
I managed. We garden lovers can make the impossible happen. So are you going to give me back my money?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Damn - there's ants crawling all over the counter...
(garden center employee smashes ants with her hand and fingers)
CUSTOMER
Even more reason to return me my money as soon as possible. Oh look - there goes a earwig. Boy those bugs sure can move fast...right accross the counter there...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Let's settle this before the place is invaded by ants. How about I replace those...whatever -
CUSTOMER
- dahlias...once beautiful...dahlias...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
...whatever with brand new live plants? Would that be acceptable?
CUSTOMER
That would be perfectly okay with me. You could be a little more sympathetic to my predicament. By the way, what should I do with these dearly departed?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
'I will not open my mouth to a customer...I will be polite to a customer...' Um - just leave them here. I'll take care of them
CUSTOMER
Is it okay if I say good-bye? I'm very attached
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Whatever... 'They don't pay me enough...'
CUSTOMER
(touching plants)
'Plants - friends - I'm very sorry that my TLC didn't save you from extinction. I tried - I really tried! Go now - go meet your friends in the garden in the sky!'
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Good. Said your goodbyes?
CUSTOMER
Yes. It's always so hard to deal with plant deaths
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
(grabbing dead plants and tossing them in trash can)
Not really. "Number 20 - who's got number 20?"
AT THE GARDEN CENTRE
SCENE: CUSTOMER STANDS AT THE RETURN COUNTER IN GARDEN CENTRE, HOLDING A PAPER BAG OPEN AT THE TOP
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
"Number 14...who's number 14?"
CUSTOMER
Here! That would be me! See? Here's my ticket. Number 14
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Now that we've agreed on that, what can I do for you?
CUSTOMER
I'd like to return these plants, please
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Flowering or green?
(customer opens bag, removes contents and places them on counter earth spilling everywhere)
CUSTOMER
These plants. They're annuals as you can tell...then again, maybe you don't garden...not everyone likes to play in dirt. That's a little garden humor, there!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Come again? You want to return...dead garden plants. Now I've heard it all
CUSTOMER
You have a money-back-no-questions-asked policy?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Yes but...
CUSTOMER
...well - these former, vibrant living things are no longer in this world. Gone to see their maker. Never to feel the heat of the sun, again. I have the bill here...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - those plants are dead!
CUSTOMER
Right - and that's why I'm returning them! Oh the angst and guilt of garden passings!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
That doesn't include plants!
CUSTOMER
Show me where it says that. Money back is money back. Besides, how do I know that you don't sell defective or sick plants?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - we have a reputation to uphold.
CUSTOMER
Thinking back, they died almost immediately. That should tell you something!
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
When did you plant these? They're a collection of black mush. Can't even tell what they were
CUSTOMER
They were dahlias. Planted them the week that you started selling them. Sometime in March...I think... Yup - March
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
March? You planted these in...March? The ground was still frozen! How did you even get a spade in the ground
CUSTOMER
I managed. We garden lovers can make the impossible happen. So are you going to give me back my money?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Damn - there's ants crawling all over the counter...
(garden center employee smashes ants with her hand and fingers)
CUSTOMER
Even more reason to return me my money as soon as possible. Oh look - there goes a earwig. Boy those bugs sure can move fast...right accross the counter there...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Let's settle this before the place is invaded by ants. How about I replace those...whatever -
CUSTOMER
- dahlias...once beautiful...dahlias...
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
...whatever with brand new live plants? Would that be acceptable?
CUSTOMER
That would be perfectly okay with me. You could be a little more sympathetic to my predicament. By the way, what should I do with these dearly departed?
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
'I will not open my mouth to a customer...I will be polite to a customer...' Um - just leave them here. I'll take care of them
CUSTOMER
Is it okay if I say good-bye? I'm very attached
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Whatever... 'They don't pay me enough...'
CUSTOMER
(touching plants)
'Plants - friends - I'm very sorry that my TLC didn't save you from extinction. I tried - I really tried! Go now - go meet your friends in the garden in the sky!'
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Good. Said your goodbyes?
CUSTOMER
Yes. It's always so hard to deal with plant deaths
GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
(grabbing dead plants and tossing them in trash can)
Not really. "Number 20 - who's got number 20?"
Saturday, March 03, 2012
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
IN THE POOL
SCENE: A SWIMMING POOL FILLED HALF WAY WITH FEMALES
INSTRUCTOR
We have a lot of people in the pool so spread out and give each other room
AQUA FITNESS PARTICIPANT (AFI)
Sorry - didn't mean to bump into you
AQUA FITNESS PARTICIPANT II (AFII)
No problem. Not much room to move around. Maybe some of us should go in the deeper water
AFI
Not me! I swim like a rock. Don't wanna be a headline in tomorrow's paper. "Woman drowns in deep end of pool during aqua fitness."
AFII
We're like sardines here!
AFI
Don't let me stop you from moving out further
AFII
Um...I'll just stay here
INSTRUCTOR
(jumping in water
Okay ladies - it's time to rock
AF1
(looking around)
Rock, huh... Okay...let's rock. Should we snap our fingers, too?
AFII
You don't have to do anything with your fingers. It's all in the leg movement
AFI
Actually that was a joke - obviously a weak one. You know...rock'n'roll music... Snap your fingers?
INSTRUCTOR
'Okay - left jog...center jog...right jog. Now cross-country moving forward...now backward...'
AFI
Don't know about you but I'm having trouble moving backwards while cross-country-ing facing the right...
AFII
Do what you can
AFI
I can't see her legs. Can you see her legs?
AFII
You don't have to see her what she's doing. Just follow her instructions
AFI
Maybe it's me but I have to see in addition to hear. Why doesn't she do exercise outside the pool on the deck?
(female climbs stairs to leave pool)
INSTRUCTOR
(smiling)
'Hey - where you going? This class ain't over!'
EXITING LADY
I have an appointment...
INSTRUCTOR
'That's what they all say! You're gonna miss a lot!'
(everyone laughs)
AFI
Like...that is soooo embarrassing! I mean, maybe she really did have an appointment
AFII
Oh she's just kidding! She always acts like that1
AFI
I dunno...
INSTRUCTOR
'Okay now we're gonna work on our upper thighs...'
AFI
Maybe it's me but I can't for the life of me figure out what she means
(turning to person on other side)
(Cont'd.) Do you mind if I watch your feet? I mean, I don't want you to think I'm a pervert or anything. I just can't follow the instructor
(woman ignores her)
(Cont'd) Ohmygawd - I'm exhausted. Maybe I should stop here...don't wanna tire myself out or anything... Yup. That's what I'm gonna do...
(Aside to AFII): 'Nice aqua-ing with you. Maybe we'll aqua fit together again'
(AFI starts to climb pool stairs)
INSTRUCTOR
Hey - you there! You're leaving me too? They all leave me in the end
(everyone laughs)
AFI
(to herself)
Maybe there's a reason for that...
INSTRUCTOR
Did you say something?
AFI
Look - I have to pee. We have a choice here. If I stay as you want me to and continue exercising, you can use your imagination as to what might or could happen. So now you make the choice. Do I stay or go?
INSTRUCTOR
Don't let us stop you
AFI
Thought you'd see it my way. 'Bye all. Remember to always keep your head above water'
AFI exits
IN THE POOL
SCENE: A SWIMMING POOL FILLED HALF WAY WITH FEMALES
INSTRUCTOR
We have a lot of people in the pool so spread out and give each other room
AQUA FITNESS PARTICIPANT (AFI)
Sorry - didn't mean to bump into you
AQUA FITNESS PARTICIPANT II (AFII)
No problem. Not much room to move around. Maybe some of us should go in the deeper water
AFI
Not me! I swim like a rock. Don't wanna be a headline in tomorrow's paper. "Woman drowns in deep end of pool during aqua fitness."
AFII
We're like sardines here!
AFI
Don't let me stop you from moving out further
AFII
Um...I'll just stay here
INSTRUCTOR
(jumping in water
Okay ladies - it's time to rock
AF1
(looking around)
Rock, huh... Okay...let's rock. Should we snap our fingers, too?
AFII
You don't have to do anything with your fingers. It's all in the leg movement
AFI
Actually that was a joke - obviously a weak one. You know...rock'n'roll music... Snap your fingers?
INSTRUCTOR
'Okay - left jog...center jog...right jog. Now cross-country moving forward...now backward...'
AFI
Don't know about you but I'm having trouble moving backwards while cross-country-ing facing the right...
AFII
Do what you can
AFI
I can't see her legs. Can you see her legs?
AFII
You don't have to see her what she's doing. Just follow her instructions
AFI
Maybe it's me but I have to see in addition to hear. Why doesn't she do exercise outside the pool on the deck?
(female climbs stairs to leave pool)
INSTRUCTOR
(smiling)
'Hey - where you going? This class ain't over!'
EXITING LADY
I have an appointment...
INSTRUCTOR
'That's what they all say! You're gonna miss a lot!'
(everyone laughs)
AFI
Like...that is soooo embarrassing! I mean, maybe she really did have an appointment
AFII
Oh she's just kidding! She always acts like that1
AFI
I dunno...
INSTRUCTOR
'Okay now we're gonna work on our upper thighs...'
AFI
Maybe it's me but I can't for the life of me figure out what she means
(turning to person on other side)
(Cont'd.) Do you mind if I watch your feet? I mean, I don't want you to think I'm a pervert or anything. I just can't follow the instructor
(woman ignores her)
(Cont'd) Ohmygawd - I'm exhausted. Maybe I should stop here...don't wanna tire myself out or anything... Yup. That's what I'm gonna do...
(Aside to AFII): 'Nice aqua-ing with you. Maybe we'll aqua fit together again'
(AFI starts to climb pool stairs)
INSTRUCTOR
Hey - you there! You're leaving me too? They all leave me in the end
(everyone laughs)
AFI
(to herself)
Maybe there's a reason for that...
INSTRUCTOR
Did you say something?
AFI
Look - I have to pee. We have a choice here. If I stay as you want me to and continue exercising, you can use your imagination as to what might or could happen. So now you make the choice. Do I stay or go?
INSTRUCTOR
Don't let us stop you
AFI
Thought you'd see it my way. 'Bye all. Remember to always keep your head above water'
AFI exits
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A change of location on vacation has caused a state of lethargy.
So I've been making like many a snowbird and spending the winter down south. The weather has been absolutely fabulous and we are bathed in sunshine every day. Logically, I should feel inspired to be creative but the change of venue has sapped my inspiration. At home there is always something, someone, somewhere that tweaks my creative juices. My most pressing problem here is what number sun screen is best and whether my flip-flops will last until the end.
The most inspiring moments have occurred while doing aqua fitness listening to some of the comments made by the participants. Complaints about aching body parts, discussions where to go for supper - these are important topics!
The wild life here is truly amazing and most likely will turn up in some form in my paintings. When it comes to playwriting, I'm drawing a blank.
So I'm waiting for my muse to give me a kick in the right place to get me on track again. If not - there's no place like home, Auntie Em.
So I've been making like many a snowbird and spending the winter down south. The weather has been absolutely fabulous and we are bathed in sunshine every day. Logically, I should feel inspired to be creative but the change of venue has sapped my inspiration. At home there is always something, someone, somewhere that tweaks my creative juices. My most pressing problem here is what number sun screen is best and whether my flip-flops will last until the end.
The most inspiring moments have occurred while doing aqua fitness listening to some of the comments made by the participants. Complaints about aching body parts, discussions where to go for supper - these are important topics!
The wild life here is truly amazing and most likely will turn up in some form in my paintings. When it comes to playwriting, I'm drawing a blank.
So I'm waiting for my muse to give me a kick in the right place to get me on track again. If not - there's no place like home, Auntie Em.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My "Old Soldiers" are getting antsy waiting for direction. So is the playwright. Yesterday, the lead character, Joe Mckenna, let me know in no uncertain terms that a rebellion could be in the works.
"How much longer are you going to take to finish converting to a damned radio play, woman?" Joe demanded, as I envisioned him in various scenarios. "The others are on my back asking me to ask you to give them some direction."
I know, Joe! I know!
So it's almost March and crunch time for my work-in-progress, "Old Soldiers", in the hope of entering it in the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition. This realization hit me last night when looking up a TV program in the weekly guide and saw the date, along with a slight - so far - case of panic. Not too much time left to add content and make changes. Then there's always editing to be done, especially if it's a new play. This is the second time I'm focusing on coverting this into a radio production and actually enter the competition. This time last year the same thing occurred and I missed the deadline.
"So tell us Eleanor - where exactly are you at, now?"
Glad you asked. Read the play and like what I've written so far. That in itself is progress, however - hate those howevers - not much more has been added. Last night I added some dialogue but as I see it, the story line isn't 'sound-friendly.' I've changed the location Joe's apartment to a bar or pub but when you think about it, not much happens in a bar in the way of sound bites. The story line itself will progress to outside-the-bar scenes and I'm now deciding how many of the characters be used. Hate to create throw-away people for the mere sake of having more characters.
"Do you think you'll be able to make the deadline this time or will it be another 'well maybe next year'?"
Who knows. Perhaps sub-consciously I keep procrastinating since it's something in which I have no experience and pure guess work at best.
"But Eleanor - don't you think that radio plays are similar to stage plays?"
Somewhat but it's those sound effects that have me spooked. In plays one has the luxury of sight to help keep things moving, but radio depends on stimulating the listeners imagination. On a good day/night, perhaps I can manage writing three pages, following which I'm completely drained.
"Um...excuse the interruption, Eleanor, but we're waiting. We're not getting any younger, y'know!"
Neither am I, Joe! To be continued...hopefully.
"How much longer are you going to take to finish converting to a damned radio play, woman?" Joe demanded, as I envisioned him in various scenarios. "The others are on my back asking me to ask you to give them some direction."
I know, Joe! I know!
So it's almost March and crunch time for my work-in-progress, "Old Soldiers", in the hope of entering it in the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition. This realization hit me last night when looking up a TV program in the weekly guide and saw the date, along with a slight - so far - case of panic. Not too much time left to add content and make changes. Then there's always editing to be done, especially if it's a new play. This is the second time I'm focusing on coverting this into a radio production and actually enter the competition. This time last year the same thing occurred and I missed the deadline.
"So tell us Eleanor - where exactly are you at, now?"
Glad you asked. Read the play and like what I've written so far. That in itself is progress, however - hate those howevers - not much more has been added. Last night I added some dialogue but as I see it, the story line isn't 'sound-friendly.' I've changed the location Joe's apartment to a bar or pub but when you think about it, not much happens in a bar in the way of sound bites. The story line itself will progress to outside-the-bar scenes and I'm now deciding how many of the characters be used. Hate to create throw-away people for the mere sake of having more characters.
"Do you think you'll be able to make the deadline this time or will it be another 'well maybe next year'?"
Who knows. Perhaps sub-consciously I keep procrastinating since it's something in which I have no experience and pure guess work at best.
"But Eleanor - don't you think that radio plays are similar to stage plays?"
Somewhat but it's those sound effects that have me spooked. In plays one has the luxury of sight to help keep things moving, but radio depends on stimulating the listeners imagination. On a good day/night, perhaps I can manage writing three pages, following which I'm completely drained.
"Um...excuse the interruption, Eleanor, but we're waiting. We're not getting any younger, y'know!"
Neither am I, Joe! To be continued...hopefully.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - THE CHERRY DILEMMA
PLACE: SUPERMARKET, PRODUCE AREA. FEMALE SHOPPER STUDIES SHOPPER PICKING OUT CHERRIES, TASTING THEM AS HE PLACES THEM IN A PLASTIC BAG
FEMALE SHOPPER
Like cherries, huh?
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Sorry?
FEMALE SHOPPER
I doubt that... So you really like cherries? Me too
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
These are particularly good. Nice and firm..
(male shopper takes two and slowly eats them, spitting out cherry pit on ground)
FEMALE SHOPPER
You seem to take great care in choosing just the right one's
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Only choose those that are firm to the touch
FEMALE SHOPPER
I see that. And you determine that by squeezing them all, I guess?
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
(eating another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
It's the only way
FEMALE SHOPPER
Aren't you worried that they're not washed or anything. You know - germs from people's hands
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
I wipe them on my clothes before tasting them (tasting another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
Hmmmmmm...really good
FEMALE SHOPPER
Sweet are they?
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Uh-huh! Very! Here - try one! Look at the time - gotta run!
(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER TIES PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES OFF. FEMALE SHOPPER IS IN CASH LINE UP BEHIND CHERRY CHOOSER. SUPERMARKET CHECK-OUT CASHIER WEIGHS CHERRIES)
CASHIER
These look good enough to eat!
FEMALE SHOPPER
Oh he knows!
(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER LOOKS EMBARRASSED)
(CONT'd) Before you punch in the numbers, perhaps you should add another dollar to the total
CASHIER
I'm sorry?
FEMALE SHOPPER
By my estimate, this cherry lover must have sampled at least a dozen or two cherries that I saw him eating before finding the perfect one's for his bag. So perhaps you should factor in those dozen in his bill?
CHERRY CHOOSER
I...was just...tasting them to... um...make sure they're good...
FEMALE SHOPPER
Of course you did. We all love cherries, but who pays for those that are sampled, huh? We do!
CHERRY CHOOSER
Well...um...
CASHIER
You do have a point...nobody has ever brought this up before... Perhaps I should call the manager
FEMALE SHOPPER
No need to do that.
(FEMALE SHOPPER PRODUCES CLEAR PLASTIC PRODUCE BAG WITH CHERRY PITS INSIDE AND HOLDS THEM UP)
CONT'D. FEMALE SHOPPER
Let's see here...I count two dozen cherry pits that I picked up off the floor
CHERRY PICKER
Hey! How d'ya know they're all mine!
FEMALE SHOPPER
I watched where you spit them out and picked them up with a plastic produce bag. I mean, really, it's quite disgusting
(mumbles emitted by shoppers in line waiting to pay)
SHOPPER IN LINE
"...e-eww! You actually picked up his pits? That is like, soooo disgusting!"
ANOTHER SHOPPER IN LINE
"...the guy was stealing cherries...that's disgusting"
(A HEATED DEBATE ENSUES AMONG THOSE LINED UP REGARDING THE CHERRY PICKER AND THE MORALITY OF TASTING CHERRIES)
CHERRY PICKER
(leaning over and speaking softly to the cashier)
Just tell me how much extra I owe you and lemme get outta here
CASHIER
Fifty cents and we're even
FEMALE SHOPPER
(opens another clear plastic produce bag)
Now about those grapes you were tasting...
AT THE SUPERMARKET - THE CHERRY DILEMMA
PLACE: SUPERMARKET, PRODUCE AREA. FEMALE SHOPPER STUDIES SHOPPER PICKING OUT CHERRIES, TASTING THEM AS HE PLACES THEM IN A PLASTIC BAG
FEMALE SHOPPER
Like cherries, huh?
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Sorry?
FEMALE SHOPPER
I doubt that... So you really like cherries? Me too
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
These are particularly good. Nice and firm..
(male shopper takes two and slowly eats them, spitting out cherry pit on ground)
FEMALE SHOPPER
You seem to take great care in choosing just the right one's
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Only choose those that are firm to the touch
FEMALE SHOPPER
I see that. And you determine that by squeezing them all, I guess?
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
(eating another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
It's the only way
FEMALE SHOPPER
Aren't you worried that they're not washed or anything. You know - germs from people's hands
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
I wipe them on my clothes before tasting them (tasting another cherry and spitting pit on floor)
Hmmmmmm...really good
FEMALE SHOPPER
Sweet are they?
MALE CHERRY CHOOSER
Uh-huh! Very! Here - try one! Look at the time - gotta run!
(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER TIES PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES OFF. FEMALE SHOPPER IS IN CASH LINE UP BEHIND CHERRY CHOOSER. SUPERMARKET CHECK-OUT CASHIER WEIGHS CHERRIES)
CASHIER
These look good enough to eat!
FEMALE SHOPPER
Oh he knows!
(MALE CHERRY CHOOSER LOOKS EMBARRASSED)
(CONT'd) Before you punch in the numbers, perhaps you should add another dollar to the total
CASHIER
I'm sorry?
FEMALE SHOPPER
By my estimate, this cherry lover must have sampled at least a dozen or two cherries that I saw him eating before finding the perfect one's for his bag. So perhaps you should factor in those dozen in his bill?
CHERRY CHOOSER
I...was just...tasting them to... um...make sure they're good...
FEMALE SHOPPER
Of course you did. We all love cherries, but who pays for those that are sampled, huh? We do!
CHERRY CHOOSER
Well...um...
CASHIER
You do have a point...nobody has ever brought this up before... Perhaps I should call the manager
FEMALE SHOPPER
No need to do that.
(FEMALE SHOPPER PRODUCES CLEAR PLASTIC PRODUCE BAG WITH CHERRY PITS INSIDE AND HOLDS THEM UP)
CONT'D. FEMALE SHOPPER
Let's see here...I count two dozen cherry pits that I picked up off the floor
CHERRY PICKER
Hey! How d'ya know they're all mine!
FEMALE SHOPPER
I watched where you spit them out and picked them up with a plastic produce bag. I mean, really, it's quite disgusting
(mumbles emitted by shoppers in line waiting to pay)
SHOPPER IN LINE
"...e-eww! You actually picked up his pits? That is like, soooo disgusting!"
ANOTHER SHOPPER IN LINE
"...the guy was stealing cherries...that's disgusting"
(A HEATED DEBATE ENSUES AMONG THOSE LINED UP REGARDING THE CHERRY PICKER AND THE MORALITY OF TASTING CHERRIES)
CHERRY PICKER
(leaning over and speaking softly to the cashier)
Just tell me how much extra I owe you and lemme get outta here
CASHIER
Fifty cents and we're even
FEMALE SHOPPER
(opens another clear plastic produce bag)
Now about those grapes you were tasting...
Saturday, January 07, 2012
HELLO? PLAYWRIGHT NEEDS TO KNOW!
I've been thinking. Almost half-way through January and still haven't heard anything one way or the other about my play submitted in mid October. This is sort-of disconcerting especially since I requested ackowldgement that they received the play sent by e-mail attachment. I'm always worried whether the dialogue ends up all over the place and whether this is held against a playwright (me).
"Not again!" a theatre reader might say to her/himself or out loud while shaking their heads, "yet another playwright who doesn't use a decent playwriting program."
Really - I worry about this aspect but still can't seem to be motivated enough to go out and spend $500 on a program for this prurpose.
So to return to my angst - actually I'm always in a state of playwriting angst - there has been no news or updates or anything whatsoever from said theater. Rather than send them another personal e-mail, which most likely will atrophy in the in-box, I'll share a public appeal. Actually, I'll go out on a limb and say/write that this sentiment is shared by many other playwrights.
Dear blah-blah (name protected just in case),
Not sure if you remember since you probably receive umpteen plays from desperate playwrights like me who are hoping to have their plays produced before they die, but I sent you my play in the middle of October. Still don't know whether you received it and/or if you even read it. If you did, you already know that it's well-written and a very funny play. I laugh every time I read it over just in case it requires tweaking. I'm big on tweaking.
As an aspiring playwright who has yet to have a play produced but always hopeful, the waiting period to learn whether our literary jewels will be shared with theatre goers is very difficult. Frequently, and I hope is not the case with your theatre, we never hear back, or when we do, its a rejection notice years later.
I'm sure you are occupied with other projects that require your attention but any type of personal note from you or your theater would suffice.
Yours truly in perturbation,
Eleanor
Friday, December 30, 2011
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP
THE CINNAMON BUN SITUATION
SCENE: Seating area outside a well-known coffee shop chain. A female customer brings over a coffee and a cinnamon bun. She sits down, staring at bun.
FEMALE
I dunno... This doesn't look fresh to me
MALE
How can you tell? I mean, what does a fresh roll look like?
FEMALE
Should look shiny and moist on the surface. This doesn't
(she uses a fork to break a piece off)
(cont'd.) Blech! This is not fresh! I knew it!
MALE
You're going to take it back, aren't you?
FEMALE
Yup. I'm not paying to eat stale food items. I'll be back...
(she takes the roll and returns to the coffee shop counter. Server approaches her, staring at bun)
(FEMALE cont'd.)
This is stale!
(FEMALE hands over plate with bun)
SERVER
Stale? We got it in this morning
FEMALE
Well then...you received a stale bun. Touch it and see for yourself
(server puts finger on bun and presses it)
SERVER
Feels fresh to me. I'll have to get the manager
(FEMALE waits at counter for manager. Manager approaches and server speaks softly to him)
FEMALE
The bun is stale
MANAGER
Impossible!
FEMALE
Maybe to you but to me, it's stale
MANAGER
I get fresh deliveries every morning. This is not stale!
FEMALE
Sorry but it is
MANAGER
Lady - you wanna come here 9 a.m. in the morning and see my deliveries?
FEMALE
Not really
MANAGER
It has to be fresh I'm telling you!
FEMALE
And I'm telling you it isn't! It's from yesterday
MANAGER
Lady - I don't sell stale stuff! I'm in the food business!
FEMALE
I'm not accusing you of selling stale food items but somehow, some way, this slipped by
MANAGER
(highly indignant and defensive)
I've been manager here for a long time and I'm telling you this is fresh! I know! So whad'ya want me to do, huh? You want a new one, I suppose. Right? Or maybe you want something else? Is that it? You wanna exchange it? Give the bun to me!
FEMALE
Take it easy! Everything is cool! Relax. It's only a cinammon bun!
MANAGER
Only a cinammon bun for you. You come here 9 a.m. in the morning and...
FEMALE
I have absolutely no desire to be here at 9 a.m. to monitor your delivery order. That's your business! Remember I'm the customer?
MANAGER
So...whad'ya want?
FEMALE
(looking over the display case)
So many items...hmmm... Okay. I'll take the cranberry-lemon muffin
MANAGER
Here. Enjoy
FEMALE
By the way - is it fresh?
AT THE COFFEE SHOP
THE CINNAMON BUN SITUATION
SCENE: Seating area outside a well-known coffee shop chain. A female customer brings over a coffee and a cinnamon bun. She sits down, staring at bun.
FEMALE
I dunno... This doesn't look fresh to me
MALE
How can you tell? I mean, what does a fresh roll look like?
FEMALE
Should look shiny and moist on the surface. This doesn't
(she uses a fork to break a piece off)
(cont'd.) Blech! This is not fresh! I knew it!
MALE
You're going to take it back, aren't you?
FEMALE
Yup. I'm not paying to eat stale food items. I'll be back...
(she takes the roll and returns to the coffee shop counter. Server approaches her, staring at bun)
(FEMALE cont'd.)
This is stale!
(FEMALE hands over plate with bun)
SERVER
Stale? We got it in this morning
FEMALE
Well then...you received a stale bun. Touch it and see for yourself
(server puts finger on bun and presses it)
SERVER
Feels fresh to me. I'll have to get the manager
(FEMALE waits at counter for manager. Manager approaches and server speaks softly to him)
FEMALE
The bun is stale
MANAGER
Impossible!
FEMALE
Maybe to you but to me, it's stale
MANAGER
I get fresh deliveries every morning. This is not stale!
FEMALE
Sorry but it is
MANAGER
Lady - you wanna come here 9 a.m. in the morning and see my deliveries?
FEMALE
Not really
MANAGER
It has to be fresh I'm telling you!
FEMALE
And I'm telling you it isn't! It's from yesterday
MANAGER
Lady - I don't sell stale stuff! I'm in the food business!
FEMALE
I'm not accusing you of selling stale food items but somehow, some way, this slipped by
MANAGER
(highly indignant and defensive)
I've been manager here for a long time and I'm telling you this is fresh! I know! So whad'ya want me to do, huh? You want a new one, I suppose. Right? Or maybe you want something else? Is that it? You wanna exchange it? Give the bun to me!
FEMALE
Take it easy! Everything is cool! Relax. It's only a cinammon bun!
MANAGER
Only a cinammon bun for you. You come here 9 a.m. in the morning and...
FEMALE
I have absolutely no desire to be here at 9 a.m. to monitor your delivery order. That's your business! Remember I'm the customer?
MANAGER
So...whad'ya want?
FEMALE
(looking over the display case)
So many items...hmmm... Okay. I'll take the cranberry-lemon muffin
MANAGER
Here. Enjoy
FEMALE
By the way - is it fresh?
Monday, December 26, 2011
My old soldiers are waiting for direction. I know where they're coming from!
The end of the year is almost here and that means a mere four months to work on re-working my short story, "Old Soldiers" in the hope of converting it into a radio play to enter in the British Council International Radio Playwriting Competition . The characters need flushing out and some type of direction as to their purpose.
"That's all, Eleanor? Piece of cake!"
On were it that easy.
Having never attempted writing a radio play, I'm somewhat intimidated. I mean, to what degree will the correct writing form for radio count?
"Oh look. The sound effects are on the wrong side of the page," a BBC reader might comment to another reader, after which it might be tossed on the slush pile.
To my credit (pat-pat on the back) I've made some progress and added dialogue but the challenge is the necessity of providing those tricky sound effects. This means that there has to be action, which can be heard and that will propel the story along. You just can't have the characters hang around say...a pub and talk. They have to do something to catch the listeners ear.
A purpose and reason for being there is required. Therein lies (or lay...whatever) the challenge.
A character chart would help me define the varous characteristics of the personalities, but I've never used one in the past. Then again, I've never tried writing a radio play. The ending seems logical but the trip to get there has to be refined.
Joe McKenna would understand.
Here's a small snippet of dialogue taken from the re-write as the "old soldiers" prepare to leave for a fellow soldier's funeral
AL
So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?
JOE
I am…and so is Mac
MIKE
Me too
AL
I’d like to go. There are so few of us left. Look at me with a walker. We were his friends for umpteen years and I mean, the man deserves some type of recognition. It's the least we can do. Can anyone give me a lift? So damn hard to climb up the bus steps and the bus drivers get so impatient...
MIKE
I'll bring along our flag. It's getting so thin I can see through it
JOE
Just like us. Old and worn out
The end of the year is almost here and that means a mere four months to work on re-working my short story, "Old Soldiers" in the hope of converting it into a radio play to enter in the British Council International Radio Playwriting Competition . The characters need flushing out and some type of direction as to their purpose.
"That's all, Eleanor? Piece of cake!"
On were it that easy.
Having never attempted writing a radio play, I'm somewhat intimidated. I mean, to what degree will the correct writing form for radio count?
"Oh look. The sound effects are on the wrong side of the page," a BBC reader might comment to another reader, after which it might be tossed on the slush pile.
To my credit (pat-pat on the back) I've made some progress and added dialogue but the challenge is the necessity of providing those tricky sound effects. This means that there has to be action, which can be heard and that will propel the story along. You just can't have the characters hang around say...a pub and talk. They have to do something to catch the listeners ear.
A purpose and reason for being there is required. Therein lies (or lay...whatever) the challenge.
A character chart would help me define the varous characteristics of the personalities, but I've never used one in the past. Then again, I've never tried writing a radio play. The ending seems logical but the trip to get there has to be refined.
Joe McKenna would understand.
Here's a small snippet of dialogue taken from the re-write as the "old soldiers" prepare to leave for a fellow soldier's funeral
AL
So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?
JOE
I am…and so is Mac
MIKE
Me too
AL
I’d like to go. There are so few of us left. Look at me with a walker. We were his friends for umpteen years and I mean, the man deserves some type of recognition. It's the least we can do. Can anyone give me a lift? So damn hard to climb up the bus steps and the bus drivers get so impatient...
MIKE
I'll bring along our flag. It's getting so thin I can see through it
JOE
Just like us. Old and worn out
Friday, December 23, 2011
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
CHRISTMAS AT THE HAIRDRESSER
SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. PEOPLE ARE SEATED ON CHAIRS WAITING FOR THEIR TURN. THE SOUND OF HAIR DRYERS OBLITERATES THE SOUND OF THE TV SET. CLIENT ENTERS WITH A SMALL GIFT BAG IN HAND
CLIENT 1
‘Hello all! Busy, busy, today, aren’t we?’
(Hair stylists turn to look at her as she passes, nod. CLIENT approaches PEGGY, hair stylist, who is absorbed in conversation with another female, LATE CLIENT)
PEGGY
I really can’t do streaks today. I’m sorry but you’re over an hour late and look – my customer is here already
(PEGGY turns to CLIENT 1as does the late client)
CLIENT 1
Um...yes. I’m here for my appointment
PEGGY
See? She’s here on time!
(LATE CLIENT stares at PEGGY and then at CLIENT 1)
LATE CLIENT
But...when am I gonna get my hair done? Look – it’s a disaster!
PEGGY
Like I told you – you’re here an hour late. I tried to call you...
LATE CLIENT
...like I told you – I moved so that’s why you couldn’t reach me
PEGGY
Uh-huh... Well, that still doesn’t change anything. There is absolutely no way I can do your streaks today...or tomorrow
(LATE CLIENT moves close to PEGGY to discuss it further)
PEGGY
...no – it’s impossible....really I can’t...it’s not fair to my client...
CLIENT 1
Yes – it’s not fair to me! I have things to do – places to go...
LATE CLIENT
I’m sorry I’m late but I had to get here from the city by bus and...that’s why I’m late. Like I said – I moved. Guess I’ll have to wait
CLIENT 1
Your hair doesn’t look that bad
LATE CLIENT
Not to worry. I’ll just trim the front myself
PEGGY
No!!! Don’t do that! Look – sit down and I’ll at least cut your bangs (turning to CLIENT 1) ‘It’ll only take a couple of minutes’
LATE CLIENT
...traffic was bad – you know, Christmas and all...
PEGGY
(distracted)
...uh-huh... There.
(rolls chair back and starts to help LATE CLIENT out)
PEGGY (cont’d)
Call me. Okay? I’m sorry but you were late...
(PEGGY kisses LATE CLIENT on either cheek. LATE CLIENT leaves looking forlorn)
PEGGY
Why do I have to feel guilty, huh? Why?
MARY (other hair stylist)
She was friggin’ late! Not your fault!
CLIENT 1
(sitting down in chair)
If you would have done her hair now, all your other clients would have had to wait, including me
PEGGY
She tells me she moved but I called her before and got her answering machine. Does a person who moved still keep an answering machine on?
CLIENT 1
Perhaps...I mean, of course not! She was making excuses, probably
PEGGY
(picking up appointment book full of written appointments)
I mean, look! I’m full up for today AND tomorrow! Why am I felling guilty!
MARY
You shouldn’t! Feeling sick...
PEGGY
Take tea or something
MARY
(opening box of cough drops and taking one)
PEGGY
You shouldn’t take so many. They’ll upset your stomach
CLIENT 1
How often does the box say you can taken them?
MARY
(reading side of box)
‘...take as needed...’ (pops one into her mouth) Anyway, my doctor says they’re useless
CLIENT 1
So why take them?
PEGGY
They’re probably just candy, anyway
(phone rings)
MARY
Friggin phone! ‘Shut up!’ Never stops!
PEGGY
That’s why they pay us the big bucks, honey! To do clients hair
(PETER, male stylist stomps by, grabbing towel for hair)
PETER
Same shit – different smell...!
CLIENT 1
Oh I like that – never quite heard it expressed that way
MARY
I told him that!
PETER
Whatever...okay – you told me that...
CLIENT 1
Oh – almost forgot to give you this
(hands PEGGY small red bag)
CLIENT 1
‘Merry Christmas’! Figured rather than get you something you probably have a million of at home, a gift card is more practical
PEGGY
Oh you shouldn’t...it’s not necessary...but thank you. You’re right. This is the perfect gift
CLIENT1
BTW – we’re going lighter today
PEGGY
You don’t want streaks, right?
CLIENT1
No worry – no streaks
PEGGY
Good because streaks are out of the question. Gee – I hope my client got home okay...I mean, she’s not young or anything
CLIENT1
I’m sure she did
PEGGY
You think so? What happens if she really moved into town and she has to wait for busses and...
MARY
She has an answering machine, remember?
PEGGY
Oh yeah! Forgot about that. Anyway, two more days and I won’t have to think about streaks, or cuts, or blow-dry.
(phone rings – PEGGY answers)
‘No – like I told you an hour ago – I can’t do your streaks! Really... Where can I get in touch with you in case I have a few cancellations? That’s your old number isn't it? Didn’t you tell me you moved?’
Friday, December 16, 2011
SANTA SLIMS DOWN: a Christmas story of rebellion and compromise
By Eleanor Tylbor
My annual sharing of the play focusing on Santa's need to lose weight in order to fly on Christmas Eve.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself who ate one too many cookies
MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife, who is worried about Santa’s cholestrol
RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG
SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS.
AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE FILLED WITH TOYS. HE MUNCHES ON COOKIES WHILE CHECKING OVER THE TOYS. A GROUP OF ELVES WATCH.
SANTA
(laughing/chuckling)
Excellent job as usual! These toys are going to make a lot of kids happy
ELVES
(together)
"Thank you, Santa! We try out best'
(There is a loud knock on the door and Rudolph, accompanied by Donner and Blitzen barge in)
SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?
RUDOLPH
(moving his antlers from side-to-side defiantly)
We're here to give you a message, Santa
RUDOLPH
It’s about cookies
SANTA
(eating one cookie after another)
Mmm - so good. Love those chocolate chips. You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round
RUDOLPH
That's the problem. Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…
DONNER
- it's real important-like…
BLITZEN
…major important
RUDOLPH
(Turns around and addresses DONNER and BLITZEN)
Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?
DONNER
(staring down at his hooves)
And…you do a great job, Rudy. Super job
BLITZEN
You our main reindeer, man!
RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…
DONNER
No-no… You’re the best
RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Cheez – everyone wants'ta be a star… Now where was I? See Santa, we're worried!
DONNER AND BLITZEN
(together)
Real worried!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
Hello? D'ya mind?
SANTA nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around a track
SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I love watching the train speed around the track. Um… Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go. The elves finished it this very morning
RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely -
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…
DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…
RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!
SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could one of you tell me?
RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me
BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed
DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…
RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your shape
SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! I’m supposed to look this way
RUDOLPH
It's um - very round
SANTA
(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…
RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more
SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You know that!
RUDOLPH
It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole
DONNER
He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too
SANTA
But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked.
Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself
SANTA
Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time
RUDOLPH
D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and over-weight Santa?
OTHER REINDEER PEERING IN AT WINDOW
Hard..hard..very hard
DONNER
It’s a big pain in the back for sure!
RUDOLPH
Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?
(The reindeer dart away from the window)
RUDOLPH
Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!
SANTA
You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve? I won't hear of it
RUDOLPH
Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground? We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You gots one week
(Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads)
SANTA
(calling out)
This is unheard of! Santa Claus without his reindeer? What am I to do? 'Mother Claus- we have a major problem!'
(MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room)
MRS. CLAUS
What is it, dear? The trains not producing smoke, again?
SANTA
Worse! From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me. I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
Did you say something about cookies, dear? I just took a new batch out of the oven
SANTA
Did you hear what I said, mother? The reindeer told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa too heavy for my sleigh!
MRS. CLAUS
But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish. Mind you - you have put on a few pounds here and there...and everywhere
SANTA
Why didn't you tell me? I just had a visit from three of the reindeer and they told me none of them will fly unless I can lose some weight!
MRS. CLAUS
But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think you can do without your chocolate chip cookies?
SANTA
I gotta! I have too much to lose and it’s not only the weight I’m talking about. What will I tell the boys and girls? No! I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
No more cookies. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…
SANTA
Maybe we're doing this too quick - a few cookies can't hurt
MRS. CLAUS
Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?
SANTA
Um - I'm just going outside to check on things
MRS. CLAUS
What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over
(SANTA hands over a handful of cookies)
MRS. CLAUS
Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!
SANTA
You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exercycle that the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?
MRS. CLAUS
Of course! It's in the reindeer barn
SANTA
Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and just one week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it! I must do it!
SCENE TWO
SCENE: SANTA is exercising on his exercycle in red long-johns
SANTA
Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!
(MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale)
MRS. CLAUS
I do hope you've lost some weight!
(SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but can't see over his belly)
SANTA
So? What does it say?
MRS. CLAUS
You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?
SANTA
No… Really… Well…maybe one or two once in a while. We better call in the reindeer I suppose
RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN enter
RUDOLPH
Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't get their gifts this year, right guys?
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Still not enough.. Still not enough..
(The reindeer exit, shaking their heads)
SANTA
What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..
MRS. CLAUS
Santa! This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the treadmill!
SANTA gets back on the treadmill
SCENE THREE
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY SLIMMER SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER
SANTA
So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do it?
RUDOLPH
You look like you dropped some weight. Whad'ya think boys?
BLITZEN
He looks leaner…I'll fly if the others agree
SANTA
I lost ten whole pounds!
DONNER
I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?
SANTA
Like what boys?
DONNER
We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us.
SANTA
No problem! I’m all in favor of good healthy food. Healthy eating is the way to go
BLITZEN
It’s not exactly salads we had in mind. We’d like…all-dressed pizza!
SANTA
Now Blitzen, you know that's not the right type of food to maintain a healthy weight. No more late night bad food deliveries to the Pole. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trip. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole, and I expect every reindeer to take part. And I have you all to thank for my change
DONNER
(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No more pizza deliveries?
BLITZEN
Gee thanks Rudolph!
DONNER
Yeah – thanks Rudy!
SANTA
I know you boys will like the changes. No more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!
(SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer)
We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!
BLITZEN
Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?
DONNER
…a big one…very big…
The reindeer exit
SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE
‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!
RUDOLPH
Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…
MRS. CLAUS
Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.
(Staring at herself in a long mirror)
Didn’t do me any harm, either. 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!'
© Eleanor Tylbor, 2005
By Eleanor Tylbor
My annual sharing of the play focusing on Santa's need to lose weight in order to fly on Christmas Eve.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself who ate one too many cookies
MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife, who is worried about Santa’s cholestrol
RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG
SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS.
AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE FILLED WITH TOYS. HE MUNCHES ON COOKIES WHILE CHECKING OVER THE TOYS. A GROUP OF ELVES WATCH.
SANTA
(laughing/chuckling)
Excellent job as usual! These toys are going to make a lot of kids happy
ELVES
(together)
"Thank you, Santa! We try out best'
(There is a loud knock on the door and Rudolph, accompanied by Donner and Blitzen barge in)
SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?
RUDOLPH
(moving his antlers from side-to-side defiantly)
We're here to give you a message, Santa
RUDOLPH
It’s about cookies
SANTA
(eating one cookie after another)
Mmm - so good. Love those chocolate chips. You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round
RUDOLPH
That's the problem. Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…
DONNER
- it's real important-like…
BLITZEN
…major important
RUDOLPH
(Turns around and addresses DONNER and BLITZEN)
Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?
DONNER
(staring down at his hooves)
And…you do a great job, Rudy. Super job
BLITZEN
You our main reindeer, man!
RUDOLPH
I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…
DONNER
No-no… You’re the best
RUDOLPH
So lemme do the job! Cheez – everyone wants'ta be a star… Now where was I? See Santa, we're worried!
DONNER AND BLITZEN
(together)
Real worried!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
Hello? D'ya mind?
SANTA nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around a track
SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I love watching the train speed around the track. Um… Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go. The elves finished it this very morning
RUDOLPH
How can I say this nicely -
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Just tell him! You gotta!
RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…
DONNER/BLITZEN
Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…
RUDOLPH
Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!
SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could one of you tell me?
RUDOLPH
I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me
BLITZEN
We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed
DONNER
Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…
RUDOLPH
It's about your - um - well… Your shape
SANTA
(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! I’m supposed to look this way
RUDOLPH
It's um - very round
SANTA
(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…
RUDOLPH
Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more
SANTA
I’ve always looked like this. You know that!
RUDOLPH
It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole
DONNER
He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too
SANTA
But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked.
Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself
SANTA
Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time
RUDOLPH
D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and over-weight Santa?
OTHER REINDEER PEERING IN AT WINDOW
Hard..hard..very hard
DONNER
It’s a big pain in the back for sure!
RUDOLPH
Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?
(The reindeer dart away from the window)
RUDOLPH
Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!
SANTA
You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve? I won't hear of it
RUDOLPH
Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground? We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You gots one week
(Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads)
SANTA
(calling out)
This is unheard of! Santa Claus without his reindeer? What am I to do? 'Mother Claus- we have a major problem!'
(MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room)
MRS. CLAUS
What is it, dear? The trains not producing smoke, again?
SANTA
Worse! From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me. I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
Did you say something about cookies, dear? I just took a new batch out of the oven
SANTA
Did you hear what I said, mother? The reindeer told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa too heavy for my sleigh!
MRS. CLAUS
But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish. Mind you - you have put on a few pounds here and there...and everywhere
SANTA
Why didn't you tell me? I just had a visit from three of the reindeer and they told me none of them will fly unless I can lose some weight!
MRS. CLAUS
But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think you can do without your chocolate chip cookies?
SANTA
I gotta! I have too much to lose and it’s not only the weight I’m talking about. What will I tell the boys and girls? No! I have to lose weight!
MRS. CLAUS
No more cookies. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…
SANTA
Maybe we're doing this too quick - a few cookies can't hurt
MRS. CLAUS
Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?
SANTA
Um - I'm just going outside to check on things
MRS. CLAUS
What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over
(SANTA hands over a handful of cookies)
MRS. CLAUS
Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!
SANTA
You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exercycle that the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?
MRS. CLAUS
Of course! It's in the reindeer barn
SANTA
Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and just one week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it! I must do it!
SCENE TWO
SCENE: SANTA is exercising on his exercycle in red long-johns
SANTA
Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!
(MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale)
MRS. CLAUS
I do hope you've lost some weight!
(SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but can't see over his belly)
SANTA
So? What does it say?
MRS. CLAUS
You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?
SANTA
No… Really… Well…maybe one or two once in a while. We better call in the reindeer I suppose
RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN enter
RUDOLPH
Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't get their gifts this year, right guys?
DONNER AND BLITZEN
Still not enough.. Still not enough..
(The reindeer exit, shaking their heads)
SANTA
What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..
MRS. CLAUS
Santa! This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the treadmill!
SANTA gets back on the treadmill
SCENE THREE
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY SLIMMER SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER
SANTA
So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do it?
RUDOLPH
You look like you dropped some weight. Whad'ya think boys?
BLITZEN
He looks leaner…I'll fly if the others agree
SANTA
I lost ten whole pounds!
DONNER
I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?
SANTA
Like what boys?
DONNER
We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us.
SANTA
No problem! I’m all in favor of good healthy food. Healthy eating is the way to go
BLITZEN
It’s not exactly salads we had in mind. We’d like…all-dressed pizza!
SANTA
Now Blitzen, you know that's not the right type of food to maintain a healthy weight. No more late night bad food deliveries to the Pole. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trip. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole, and I expect every reindeer to take part. And I have you all to thank for my change
DONNER
(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No more pizza deliveries?
BLITZEN
Gee thanks Rudolph!
DONNER
Yeah – thanks Rudy!
SANTA
I know you boys will like the changes. No more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!
(SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer)
We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!
BLITZEN
Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?
DONNER
…a big one…very big…
The reindeer exit
SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE
‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!
RUDOLPH
Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…
MRS. CLAUS
Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.
(Staring at herself in a long mirror)
Didn’t do me any harm, either. 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!'
© Eleanor Tylbor, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2011
BARBIE THROWS A CHRISTMAS PARTY - ALONG WITH SOME FRIENDS
SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.
BARBIE
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now
(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)
G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)
Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!
BARBIE
How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?
G.I. JOE
How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people
BARBIE
You are so right
G.I. JOE
Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around
BARBIE
Like...that’s the problem, Joe...
G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)
...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...
(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)
G.I. JOE
I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful
BARBIE
Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!
G.I. JOE
Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –
BARBIE
- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?
G.I. JOE
Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd
BARBIE
That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?
G.I. JOE
No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her
BARBIE
Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?
G.I. JOE
Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?
BARBIE
You are too much...
G.I. JOE
I know. That's why you like me around
BARBIE
And the word is “pervert”.
G.I. JOE
Prevert...covert...it’s all the same
BARBIE
Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged
G.I. JOE
Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!
BARBIE
So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal
G.I. JOE
Depends
BARBIE
What do you mean?
G.I. JOE
Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them
BARBIE
Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down
G.I. JOE
The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care
(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)
G.I. JOE
Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back
BARBIE
If only you'd watch and not act
(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)
KEN
It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..
BARBIE
Swallowed too much water, have we?
KEN
It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –
BARBIE
- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...
KEN
The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...
BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)
Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?
KEN
(looking down)
I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.
(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)
KEN
“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”
(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)
G.I. JOE
Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...
KEN
Well – if you insist...
(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)
KEN
And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?
BARBIE
Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?
(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)
BLAIN
Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?
KEN
Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!
(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)
BARBIE
Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!
BLAIN
I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)
G.I. JOE
Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny
To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?
SCENE: THE MALIBU HOME OF BARBIE, THE WELL KNOWN BORDERING ON FAMOUS, VINYL FASHIONISTA. BARBIE, ON TIPPY-TOE, IS DECORATING HER CHRISTMAS TREE, WHILE SINGING. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUNDS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE OUTSIDE.
BARBIE
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Jack Frost nipping at..." Just what I need now
(the door flings open and G.I. Joe, machine gun in hand, backs into the room)
G.I. JOE
(whirling around to face BARBIE)
Don’chu fear – G.I. is here!
BARBIE
How could I like...miss you. Can’t you just like...knock on the door or ring the bell like normal people?
G.I. JOE
How many times do I gotta tell you, babe – G.I. Joe is not like normal people
BARBIE
You are so right
G.I. JOE
Thank you, babe. A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. You never got to worry about the enemy when I’m around
BARBIE
Like...that’s the problem, Joe...
G.I. JOE
(moving furtively around the room, searching)
...is it the enemy? I’ll handle it. Don’t worry...
(G.I. JOE checks up the chimney and Christmas decorations fly off the mantle as he moves out. He whirls his arms in a frenzy to remove them)
G.I. JOE
I’ve taken care of these enemy – um – tinsel thingies because – um – you can’t be too careful
BARBIE
Oh Joe – now look what you’ve done! Those were the last five hundred packages of tinsel!
G.I. JOE
Hey – they could have been – um – dangerous or something... A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier –
BARBIE
- I know. ...gotta do.. Now Joe – I’m having my Christmas party tonight and I want you to like... try and act normal, okay?
G.I. JOE
Hey! You don’t have to worry ‘bout me, babe! I’ll blend in the crowd
BARBIE
That’s what worries me! Can you, like...forget about the machine gun for one night, maybe?
G.I. JOE
No can do, babe. (caresses the machine gun) We’re never apart. We shower together, eat together. We do everything together. Hey – I even sleep with her
BARBIE
Her? You’ve given your weapon a sex?
G.I. JOE
Hey! G.I. Joe is not a prevert! We’re just...close, right sweetheart?
BARBIE
You are too much...
G.I. JOE
I know. That's why you like me around
BARBIE
And the word is “pervert”.
G.I. JOE
Prevert...covert...it’s all the same
BARBIE
Sometimes I really worry about you... You're so grammatically-challenged
G.I. JOE
Thanks, babe! I know! My teachers used to tell me the same thing!
BARBIE
So...like...all my best and closest friends will be here so try and act normal
G.I. JOE
Depends
BARBIE
What do you mean?
G.I. JOE
Who'll be here. First I hav'ta frisk them
BARBIE
Not! My friends are not the enemy, Joe! Mind you, a couple of managers... Please don't frisk them or pat them down
G.I. JOE
The Bratz girls didn't mind. I patted them down five times and they wanted more. See? Some people 'preciate Joe's extra care
(there is a knock on the door and G.I. Joe jumps up and hides behind the couch, his gun facing the door)
G.I. JOE
Pretend you’re alone, babe. I’m watching your back
BARBIE
If only you'd watch and not act
(BARBIE opens the door and KEN poses, leaning on his surf board)
KEN
It’s me! Ken! Back from...back from...gimme a sec – I’ll remember..
BARBIE
Swallowed too much water, have we?
KEN
It”s me! Your Ken! Back from –
BARBIE
- you already said that and you're not "my Ken." Remember? Why am I asking you that...
KEN
The last thing I remember was being on a beach...some dude with a funny accent was dead or something...
BARBIE
(rolling her eyes)
Um...Ken – it’s winter and like...a ton of snow on the ground. Shouldn’t you put something on over your surfer trunks?
KEN
(looking down)
I wanna be prepared in case a good wave comes ashore. Can’t be too prepared.
(KEN suddenly is distracted and looks off into the distance)
KEN
“Hi! My name is Ken! I’m a surfer dude! And what’s your name, pretty girl?”
(G.I. Joe jumps out of his hiding place and faces KEN)
G.I. JOE
Well if it isn’t the cutesy-wootsy surfer boy! Or maybe you’re pretending to be the surfer boy. Lemme frisk you to make sure...
KEN
Well – if you insist...
(G.I. JOE pats down KEN)
KEN
And who might you be? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer! Wanna ride the waves together?
BARBIE
Oh my! Look at the time! I have to go and change into one of my new five hundred outfits. The two of you like...sit down and act normal. What am I saying?
(BARBIE leaves the room. There is a knock on the door and as KEN goes to answer it, G.I. JOE springs into action, hiding behind the couch. KEN opens the door)
BLAIN
Hello! Remember me? I don't. I think I'm Blain. From Australia?
KEN
Your face does look familiar... Were you lying on sand somewhere? I’m Ken and I’m a surfer. Wanna ride the waves together? We could have so much fun!
(BARBIE hops down the stairs and rushes over to greet BLAIN)
BARBIE
Blain! Oh Blain! You made it to my party!
BLAIN
I did? Oh yeah. How did I get here? My head hurts...
(G.I. JOE springs out from his hiding place)
G.I. JOE
Cease and desist, babe! I gotta check this guy out! The enemy wears many faces and this guy talks funny
To be continued: Who else will turn up and what will happen when Blain remembers?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
IN SUBMISSION MODE - AGAIN
For whatever reason, I always... Okay. Very frequently at this time of the year, I get the urge - the need - to seek out theatres et al, which are open to new plays/playwrights. To this end, came accross a theatre group in NYC that struck my fancy or kind of stood out and passed along "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life." Supplied a synopsis and even when adding my neophyte-ic status, they still wanted to read it. This is a good omen - one hopes.Before submitting, I checked over the contents for spelling mistakes and flow of dialogue and made a few tweaks. Thing is - I don't have a playwriting program and submitted it as a Word attachment, not an ideal arrangement. Really, this is something that should be looked into but somehow it ends up on the back-burner. There is a program available in Word so I've read and this is something I really must pursue.
In any case, haven't heard back from them, yet. Patience isn't one of my strong points but I have to control my curiousity and wait. And wait... It`s all part of the process. Right? It would be so wonderful if the recipients would provide updates. Something to the effect:
"Dear Playwright,
We are in the process of reading your play. So far, we are enjoying the contents. We are up to scene blah-blah. Will get back to you again as we go along."
I mean, it would make playwrights lives so much more bearable!
In addition, looking for possible contacts to send my short-short plays. Really, the search never ends.
Friday, November 04, 2011
SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette
THE COFFEE DILEMMA
SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON
HE
Whad’ya taking? The usual?
SHE
(examining menu choices)
Not sure...
HE
You always end up taking number five
SHE
Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change
HE
I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?
SHE
What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...
HE
It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’
COUNTER PERSON
The full meal?
HE
Yup.
COUNTER PERSON
(keying in order)
Soft drink with that?
HE
Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?
SHE
O-kay...I’ll take...
HE
...let me guess. Number 5
SHE
So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart
HE
Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?
SHE
A few fries now and then don’t hurt.
HE
Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...
SHE
...and a coffee
SERVER
(stunned look on her face)
So you want a soft drink AND coffee?
SHE
No. Just a coffee please
SERVER
That won’t work.
SHE
Why not?
SERVER
The full meal comes with a soft drink.
HE
Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?
SERVER
Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works
SHE
What? Never heard of that!
SERVER
I’ll have to order each item, separately
HE
That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more
SHE
I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know
SERVER
You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay
SHE
What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float
HE
Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.
SHE
No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod
SERVER
But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink
SHE
What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.
(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)
HE
Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment
SERVER
(very unnerved)
I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...
(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)
Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.
SHE
Oh goodie!
(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)
HE
You’ve over-charged us by a dollar
COUNTER PERSON
Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...
SHE
Coffee...
THE COFFEE DILEMMA
SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON
HE
Whad’ya taking? The usual?
SHE
(examining menu choices)
Not sure...
HE
You always end up taking number five
SHE
Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change
HE
I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?
SHE
What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...
HE
It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’
COUNTER PERSON
The full meal?
HE
Yup.
COUNTER PERSON
(keying in order)
Soft drink with that?
HE
Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?
SHE
O-kay...I’ll take...
HE
...let me guess. Number 5
SHE
So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart
HE
Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?
SHE
A few fries now and then don’t hurt.
HE
Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...
SHE
...and a coffee
SERVER
(stunned look on her face)
So you want a soft drink AND coffee?
SHE
No. Just a coffee please
SERVER
That won’t work.
SHE
Why not?
SERVER
The full meal comes with a soft drink.
HE
Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?
SERVER
Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works
SHE
What? Never heard of that!
SERVER
I’ll have to order each item, separately
HE
That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more
SHE
I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know
SERVER
You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay
SHE
What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float
HE
Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.
SHE
No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod
SERVER
But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink
SHE
What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.
(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)
HE
Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment
SERVER
(very unnerved)
I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...
(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)
Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.
SHE
Oh goodie!
(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)
HE
You’ve over-charged us by a dollar
COUNTER PERSON
Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...
SHE
Coffee...
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