SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE: MR. AND MRS. EVERYBODY TALK PLANTS

SCENE:  DEN, EVERYBODY HOUSEHOLD.

AT RISE:  MRS. EVERYBODY IS TALKING WHILE MR. EVERYBODY IS READING A NEWSPAPER. HER BACK IS FACING MR. EVERYBODY

MRS. EVERYBODY
Why? Why must you torture me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this treatment other than heap undying love and devotion to your upkeep?

(MR. EVERYBODY glances up and returns to reading his book)

MRS. EVERYBODY
You seem to be dying slowly right in front of my eyes and I'm at a loss what to do

MR. EVERYBODY
(looking around)
You talking to me?

MRS. EVERYBODY
Fed you top of the line nutritional supplements and this is the thanks I get

MR. EVERYBODY
You make fantastic meals, sweetheart, and really I'm in great shape

MRS. EVERYBODY
You're not aging well, little darling

MR. EVERYBODY

(gets up to examine himself in the mirror on the wall behind him)

For the record, I'm in better condition now than I was when we married. Sure there's a few extra inches on my stomach but that's due to your good cooking. I'm trying to work it off on the tread mill...

MRS. EVERYBODY
I fear it's time for us to part, sweetheart. You are halfway between this world and the next

MR. EVERYBODY
What are you saying? Is it something I said?

MRS. EVERYBODY
You've given me a lot of pleasure over the years. Your nightly performance kept me riveted and it's something I'll cherish all my life

MR. EVERYBODY
Hey! There's still a lot of life left in this body! Is there somebody else? I can change, y'know!

(MRS. EVERYBODY turns around and stares at her husband)

MRS. EVERYBODY
It's just so hard to say goodbye! Did you say something?

MR. EVERYBODY
You never said a word to me. No warning...nothing. I deserve to know who's the new love of your life!

MRS. EVERYBODY
What are you babbling about?

MR. EVERYBODY
You're leaving me! I heard it with my own ears

MRS. EVERYBODY
Are you insane? You thought that... That's really funny

MRS. EVERYBODY
There's nothing funny about being told your wife is leaving your for someone else. It's always the husband that's the last to know

MRS. EVERYBODY
Dear, dear husband - I was talking to my prayer plant, here. that is slowly croaking after 40 years and I'm about to replace her with a new one

MR. EVERYBODY
How was I supposed to know? There was only you and me in the room and I never guessed you were talking to a...a... house plant

MRS. EVERYBODY
I've raised this houseplant from a small little stalk. Fed her...coddled her...and she gave me years of pleasure but lately she seems to have taken a turn for the worst. The writing is on the wall...or in this case, in all those brown leaves.

MR. EVERYBODY
A plant is a plant is a plant. Don't know what the big thing is. Just empty the pot and replace it with a new one. Simple

MRS. EVERYBODY
How could you be so cruel and callous! You just can't...discard it like it that!

MR. EVERYBODY
I dunno. Never bothers you to do that with your clothes

MRS. EVERYBODY
Besides, I read an article that said plants can sense pain and they react to it. How could I betray my friend after all the years we've been together? I feel like a killer! Like I'd be ripping out her guts and tearing her apart

MR. EVERYBODY
Not that I pretend to feel what you feel but check this out

(MR. EVERYBODY shows her a page of the newspaper)

MRS. EVERYBODY
What's this? The Plant-a-atrium is having a sale on houseplants?

(turns to look at plant and at newspaper ad)

(MRS. EVERYBODY cont'd.)  'Parting is such sweet sorrow my formerly green friend. Go meet your other friends in the composter! Do not think badly of me for I shall remember you with great fondness.' I'm ready.

MR. EVERYBODY
Ready for...?

MRS. EVERYBODY
To make new friends at the Plant-a-atrium, silly! We all gotta go some time. I mean, it's just a silly plant for heaven's sake...

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE GARDEN CENTRE

SCENE: CUSTOMER STANDS AT THE RETURN COUNTER IN GARDEN CENTRE, HOLDING A PAPER BAG OPEN AT THE TOP


GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
"Number 14...who's number 14?"

CUSTOMER
Here! That would be me! See? Here's my ticket. Number 14

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Now that we've agreed on that, what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER
I'd like to return these plants, please

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Flowering or green?

(customer opens bag, removes contents and places them on counter earth spilling everywhere)

CUSTOMER
These plants. They're annuals as you can tell...then again, maybe you don't garden...not everyone likes to play in dirt. That's a little garden humor, there!

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Come again? You want to return...dead garden plants. Now I've heard it all

CUSTOMER
You have a money-back-no-questions-asked policy?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Yes but...

CUSTOMER
...well - these former, vibrant living things are no longer in this world. Gone to see their maker. Never to feel the heat of the sun, again. I have the bill here...

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - those plants are dead!

CUSTOMER
Right - and that's why I'm returning them! Oh the angst and guilt of garden passings!

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
That doesn't include plants!

CUSTOMER
Show me where it says that. Money back is money back. Besides, how do I know that you don't sell defective or sick plants?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Lady - we have a reputation to uphold.

CUSTOMER
Thinking back, they died almost immediately. That should tell you something!

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
When did you plant these? They're a collection of black mush. Can't even tell what they were

CUSTOMER
They were dahlias. Planted them the week that you started selling them. Sometime in March...I think... Yup - March

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
March? You planted these in...March? The ground was still frozen! How did you even get a spade in the ground

CUSTOMER
I managed. We garden lovers can make the impossible happen. So are you going to give me back my money?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Damn - there's ants crawling all over the counter...

(garden center employee smashes ants with her hand and fingers)

CUSTOMER
Even more reason to return me my money as soon as possible. Oh look - there goes a earwig. Boy those bugs sure can move fast...right accross the counter there...

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Let's settle this before the place is invaded by ants. How about I replace those...whatever -

CUSTOMER
- dahlias...once beautiful...dahlias...

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
...whatever with brand new live plants? Would that be acceptable?

CUSTOMER
That would be perfectly okay with me. You could be a little more sympathetic to my predicament. By the way, what should I do with these dearly departed?

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
'I will not open my mouth to a customer...I will be polite to a customer...' Um - just leave them here. I'll take care of them

CUSTOMER
Is it okay if I say good-bye? I'm very attached

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Whatever... 'They don't pay me enough...'

CUSTOMER
(touching plants)
'Plants - friends - I'm very sorry that my TLC didn't save you from extinction. I tried - I really tried! Go now - go meet your friends in the garden in the sky!'

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
Good. Said your goodbyes?

CUSTOMER
Yes. It's always so hard to deal with plant deaths

GARDEN CENTER EMPLOYEE
(grabbing dead plants and tossing them in trash can)
Not really. "Number 20 - who's got number 20?"