"OLD SOLDIERS" - BEEN WORKING ON RE-WRITE

Last night having watched the 25th anniversary show of "Les Mis", again, for the umpteenth time on PBS, it inspired me to tackle my current re-write of "Old Soldiers". As mentioned previously, I'm planning to enter it as a radio play in the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition, all being well. As it reads now it's a short story inspired by an interview I did with an army veteran/old soldier as a columnist for the Remembrance Day edition. In spite of the dour subject, it's one of my favorite stories.

Rather than let it atrophy as a computer byte, I'm attempting to re-work it as a radio play. Dialogue has never been a problem for me but the addition of sound is something else. Situations have to be created whereby sound effects help carry the story line. My problem is that the story is flowing but the sound effects are limited. The deadline is April 2012 so there's still time to overcome this barrier and it is a barrier for me.

Last night I actually wrote, as took pen in hand, a few pages that really don't fit in the story line, yet, but it will one hopes. Sometimes a stretch of dialogue jumps into my head and the story moves in a different direction than expected. My philosophy is go with the flow. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't but we'll have to see down the line. It's a good omen since it happened twice before and resulted in the completion of my two full plays.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking about submitting one of my short plays, "For the Birds" to a competition. It's a good play and was actually a finalist in a short screenwriting competition, but after a long period of not having read it, looking forward to seeing how it reads and "feels." Hopefully, my muse will co-operate.

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE

THE LIPSTICK LADY

SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.



WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)

What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!

(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)

(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!

(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart

OHSF
You should have moved

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first

OHSF
I need room

WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do

OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually

OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends

OHSF
Depends on what?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize

OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person

WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?

OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My shopping cart accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession

OHSF
Take it or leave it

WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in

OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)

OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell

(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)

(cont’d). Crappy scent!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!

OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell

WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!

OHSF
So?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore

OHSF
And if I did? I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?

OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it

OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Why don’t you!

OHSF
I’m not finished here, yet. In fact, I’m gonna smell every lipstick here!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
You are truly disgusting.

OHSF
Get over it. Now if you’ll excuse me...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Fine. If that’s the way you want it.

(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves to where cash register computer is situated. There is an internal microphone located on the counter, which woman customer grabs)

CASHIER
Hey! You can’t do that!

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Just borrow for a minute... ‘Now hear this, now hear this! Calling all female shoppers. Lipstick is being given away free in the cosmetic section. You heard it right – FREE! Just push your shopping cart over to lipsticks and you’ll see a fake blond haired lady who is waiting to serve you.’

(There is a rush of shopping carts that head for the cosmetic department)

WOMAN CUSTOMER (cont’d)
So what is it worth to you not to tell everyone heading here that you sniffed all the lipsticks?

CASHIER
You smelled all the lipsticks here? I’m calling security...

OHSF
Not all... I mean, she’s lying... Really...

WOMAN CUSTOMER
Saw her with my own eyes. She's a sniffer alright. Disgusting! By the way – do you happen to have the shade, Beige Goddess?

THE PLASTICVILLE GANG IS PREPARING FOR THEIR CLOSEUPS!

Just finished a visit in Plasticville where Barbie, Ken and the always problematic, G.I. Joe, are back in business. The gang has gone through a lot including embarrassing social faux-pas', romantic situations, gun shots and related injuries, being relegated to boxes in a warehouse, but they have decided to forget the past and start anew.

Given the situation in which G.I. Joe refuses to reliniquish his weapon of choice, which includes taking it to bed while sharing sleeping quarters with Barbie, trouble is on the horizon. Then there's always Ken whose visit to the hearing specialist on Barbie's advice, has not proved helpful since he still hears people calling out: "surf's up!" The Australian visitor, Blain, has still not regained full consciousness and add the Bratz attempts to undermine Barbie's popularity, and you've gone some potential problems.

Never a dull momemnt in Plasticville and we'll all be there to share it.

BARBIE, KEN & THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC PEOPLE

"THE BREAKUP"

SCENE: KEN has shown up at Barbie's beach house where BARBIE, G.I. JOE and her friends are...partying. BARBIE has convinced G.I. JOE to stay back and keep watch over the house and the party while she i.e. BARBIE, take a walk on the beach with KEN.


KEN
Wow! This is nice. Just like the old days, babe! Me...you...

BARBIE
Um...Ken... I think we should talk

KEN
...the water and our surfboards. Remember, Barbie, before HE came along?

BARBIE
I think our problems go back much further than that

KEN
...we bought matching surfboards... Remember that? Then I got a tattoo to tell the world who I love.; It's still there, Barbie - read it - and remember

BARBIE
(moving her head side-ways to read it on KEN's arm)
"I Love Bra-B"? 

KEN
So the tattoo guy was dyslexic and a little hard of hearing. His heart was in the right place, though! Surf's up! I hear it!

BARBIE
Focus Ken! Try and focus!

KEN
But those were such great times! You hav'ta admit they were great times... Okay. I'm focused now

BARBIE
Listen - true we were...

KEN
Hear? Is that a bigggg wave coming in? I think it is! Why don't we go get our surfboard and...

BARBIE
Forget about the wave, 'kay? Now look into my eyes, Ken. Like...we hav'ta talk!

(BARBIE holds KEN's head between her extended plastic hands but KEN attempts to move his plastic head towards the ocean)

(cont'd BARBIE) Ken! Pay attention! Things have changed. I've changed and evolved! Like...now I have a whole new line of clothing and...I'm a big celeb

KEN
Me too! I can hang out with your gang! I use'ta be a star! Remember?

BARBIE
Like...see...that's the problem, Ken. You used to be a somebody but now you're just like...normal. Average. Blah and blech. Get it?

KEN
Um...yes... No - not really

BARBIE
Okay. Like...listen. See - I'm this really big well-known celebrity with this fantastic designer wardrobe and you - well - you're merely a guy who's in love with a surf board. Period. It just won't work!

KEN
What if I...give up surfing?

(KEN pivots as if he's on a surf board while talking to BARBIE)

BARBIE
Like...it can't be, Ken. Look at the way you dress. You've been wearing those same surfing trunks ever since we met. It's like - disgusting!

KEN
Hey - I hit the waves every day so they're always clean!

BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... My poor Ken. Hit one too many times on the head with your surf board. You just don't get it, do you?

KEN
Huh? Get what? You want I should go back and get our surfboards, 'cause if that's what you want, I'll go get us twin surf boards...

BARBIE
I give up! Let's go back

KEN
Are you sure you don't wanna ride the waves? You use'ta like that

BARBIE
No Ken - I do-not-want-to-ride-the-waves with you

KEN
Are you riding the waves with somebody else 'cause if you are... I mean to say, if you is... Is there someone else? Is it G.I. Joe?

BARBIE
G.I. is just a friend, Ken, although he doesn't want to believe it.

(As they walk back, the sound of loud bangs resembling gun shots breaks the stillness of the night)

KEN
Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that

BARBIE
Like...ohmygawd! I just hope it isn't...I pray that it isn't...

KEN
Yeah. Me too. Nothing spoils a night of surfing like a thunder storm. The last time I surfed during a storm, my board got hit with a bolt of lightning. I was unconscious for a good two minutes.

BARBIE
That would explain a lot. Uh-oh...is that G.I. Joe out there on the lawn?

(As they near BARBIE's beach house, BARBIE and KEN spot GI JOE shooting away wildly at...something)

(BARBIE cont'd) G.I. Joe! What are you doing?

G.I. JOE

It's okay, babe! Spotted an intruder and I took care of the problem. He'll never bother you again

(BARBIE, walking on tippy-toes with KEN lagging behind, rushes over and after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get down on her knees, she bends over at the waist to see who the intruder is)

BARBIE
(gasping)
Like...omygawd! You've shot...

G.I. JOE
Yeah. No need to thank me, babe! I'm a trained sharp-shooter!

BARBIE
You...you...idiot!

G.I. JOE
Aw babe! You always say the nicest things!

BARBIE
You shot Blain, the Australian surfer dude.

G.I. JOE
He's the enemy, babe! A guy has'ta do what a guy has'ta do!

BARBIE
Ken - call the beach rescue

KEN
Uh-oh! Surf's up! Gotta go!

(KEN rushes off, leaving BARBIE and G.I. JOE alone)

G.I. JOE
No need t'thank me, babe

(BARBIE opens her Barbie carry-all purse and produces her cell phone)

BARBIE
'Hello - send an ambulance right away to Barbie's Fun'n'Famous Beach House right away!'

Question du jour: Will Barbie be able to save Blain (Australian dude and former love of her life) or is it too late? To be continued)..



SCENES FROM LIFE
At the Pharmacy - The Lineup part III

SCENE: A PHARMACY. A LINE OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR ITEMS. A MAN AND A WOMAN IN THEIR 60'S STAND IN LINE WITH A SHOPPING CART FILLED WITH TOILET PAPER AND KLEENEX/TISSUES.

CASHIER

Sorry - only two packages per customer. See the sign, there?

(m/w have a discussion and analyze the situation

CASHIER (cont'd.)

Tell you what - I could make two bills, which will allow you to buy the specials

(another animated discussion lasting more than a minute between man and the woman. Man departs and woman waits while man gets shopping cart and travels up and down the aisles buying still more items before heading for cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(aside to cashier while watching couple unload the new items on to the counter)

How long will this take d'ya figure? 

CASHIER

Not too long - I hope. I still have to cancel the bill...

CASHIER (aside to couple)

'I'll cancel this bill and make up two new one's'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Why? Just make up one new bill for everything

CASHIER

(gesturing to items in cart)

Can't do that. They added more items

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

But we have to wait still longer if you make two bills. Some people (gestures with face to man/woman) have absolutely no consideration for the rights of others!

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMANCUSTOMER

Do you believe this?

(MAN removes items from shopping cart)

MAN

I changed my mind. I don't want these after all

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Say what? You're kidding, right?

CASHIER

Uh-oh...that means...

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please - don't say it - don't tell me you have to cancel the bill, again

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

This is incredible!

CASHIER

(to man/woman)

Are you sure that's it, now?

(WOMAN stares at MAN)

MAN

That's it. We really don't need all that toilet paper

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
Oh I don't know about that...

CASHIER

Can I make up the bill now?

MAN

You can add it all up

CASHIER

(folding cancelled cash slips)

Just a minute while I put these bills away... Okay. That will be a total of blah-blah

MAN

(searching the pockets in his pants, frantically)

Um - seems I left my wallet in the car. Sorry. I'll be back in a minute

(MAN rushes out of line and outside)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
(aside to cashier)

This is unbelieve! Let us go before them! We've waited long enough

CASHIER

Can't...

CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

...I know. You tallied their bill

ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER

Such selfishness! Does he not realize how dangerous it is to leave a wallet in the car?

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Obviously not

(MAN rushes in, produces wallet, pays)

CASHIER

Do you have our pharmacy point card?

MAN

What's that?

(aside to CUSTOMER behind CUSTOMER behind MAN/WOMAN)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Please don't ask him that!

MAN

How do I get this card? Do I get something for free?

CLERK

You have to fill out our application. Then you get points

MAN

Do you have an application form?

Aside to customers: 'This won't take long'

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

(loudly)

'Hello! Is there another cashier on duty? Customers need help - now!'

(another cashier arrives and opens a cash)

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Thank goodness you opened. I mean, talk about being selfish..

CLERK

Um...there's a limit on how many soft drinks you can buy. Only 4 per customer

CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN

Oh really? I didn't know that. Go know!

(turning to customer behind her)

(cont'd) 'Excuse me but would you mind buying me a few bottles of soft drink that I of course will pay for? It won't take long. I'll just run over there and get more bottles...be back in a sec..'.

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE



AT THE HAIRDRESSER PART 4



SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. FEMALE CLIENT (FC) ENTERS, GOES TO THE BACK OF SALON WHERE HAIR STYLIST, PEGGY, IS WASHING HAIR



FEMALE CLIENT (FC)
I know I’m early. See you’re busy there...

HAIR STYLIST
I’ll be ready for you in fifteen minutes

FC
Should I waste some time next door at the pharmacy?

HAIR STYLIST
Why - you need something?

FC
My cosmetic collection always needs refreshing. Maybe a new lipstick...

HAIR STYLIST
Okay. Be back in ten minutes

FC
I’ll be back before then. If I hang around there too long, the store clerks start looking at me funny

(starts to leave – stops to greet MARY, another hair stylist)

‘Hi Mary! How y’a doin’?’

MARY

(blowing a client’s hair dry)

Hot! That’s how I’m doing! The friggin' air conditioner isn’t working! Must be a hundred degrees, probably more, in here!

FC
Sorry I asked...

(FC leaves and upon returning, sits on couch)

(cont’d. FM1)
God is it hot outside!

MARY
Damned right and the damned air conditioner is as useless as tits on a bull!

FC
I get the picture. Since you so eloquently brought it to my attention, how come it’s so hot in here? It’s usually freezing

MARY
Like I said...

FC
...because ‘the friggin' air conditioner isn’t working!’ Has the boss called somebody to fix it?

MARY
Are you kidding? That would cost money! Shit! Look at me! I’m dripping wet!

PEGGY
Ohmygawd. Mary – you’re even sweating through your pants! Gross! And in the wrong place, too!

MARY
Oh gee thanks! Maybe I should just do hair in my underwear!

PETER (another hair stylist)
Don't encourage her! She will!

PETER'S CUSTOMER
That would be interesting!

FC
It’s like there’s no oxygen in the air. Really hot in here

PETER
We’ve got it at number six – that’s the highest. The system needs cleaning

FC
So why doesn’t your boss have it cleaned

PETER
Because it cost money!

FC
But in the end, it’ll cost him more money if he doesn’t maintain the system!

PETER
You know that, and I know that, but he’s too cheap!

MARY
Shit! I can’t take this heatttttt! Put down the temperature some more

PETER
If I do that – the whole system will break down. Would that be better?

PEGGY
It’s the hair dryers. They make it hot, too. Then the door opening and closing...

FC
It’s not really that bad...I mean, it’s bearable

PEGGY
Wait ‘til you have a towel and plastic poncho around your neck for a while!

MARY
Somebody do something before I scream!

(goes to small fridge and grabs bottle of cold water and gulps it down)

PEGGY
Okay – I’m leaving you my curling iron while I’m away on vacation. What else do you need?

MARY
Cold friggin' air!

PC
(laughing)
Mary does have a way with words, doesn't she!

PEGGY
I mean, aside from that? Any other equipment you want to borrow?

MARY
How long you going for?

PEGGY
You know how long - two whole weeks! Can’t wait!

MARY
Maybe you should re-consider. You never know - when you come back, we might not have a boss anymore if somebody doesn’t cool this place down!

(softly to Peggy and FC) ‘Oh look who’s here. Mr. Big Bucks himself!’

(salon boss strolls in)

SALON BOSS
(laughing)
So? Hot enough for everyone?

(to be continued...next time: Mary offers her boss some advice)

Plasticville: Barbie, Ken & the Rest

Actually shared life in Plasticville along with other pieces years back, but it was a lot of fun to write so I'm bringing it back to share again as a personal encore from myself. Will share more depending on the interest and could just add some new follow-ups.






BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF LIFE AMONG THE PLASTIC SET




SCENE:A PARTY AT A MALIBU BEACH HOUSE. THERE IS MUSIC IN THE AIR AND THROUGH THE PICTURE WINDOW, WE CAN SEE BARBIE AND HER FRIENDS DANCING ITUP (on tippy-toes). A CONVERTIBLE DRIVES UP AND KEN, DRESSED IN HIS USUAL SURFING GEAR, GETS OUT AND HIDES BEHIND BUSHES AND PEERS INSIDE. SUDDENLY, GI JOE HOLDING HIS EVER-PRESENT WEAPON LOOKS OUT A HUGE PICTURE WINDOW. THE DOOR OF THE BEACH HOUSE OPENS AND GI JOE STANDS AT THE DOORWAY.




GI JOE
Who's there? Is somebody hiding 'cause if you are and I catch you, I'll blast the living daylights...




(BARBIE JOINS GI JOE)


BARBIE
Oh Joe! Just stop it right now! You are like...soooo paranoid


GI JOE
Thanks! That's what everyone tells me


BARBIE
Please come in and close the door! You're like...embarrassing me in front of my friends


GI JOE
Them Bratz babes? Lemme tell you Barbie doll - they ain't your friends! You should hear what they say about you behind your back


BARBIE
You know I can't see or hear what's going on behind my back! I can't even turn my head without help...or even scratch an itch


GI JOE
Me neither...but I hear all of them whispering


BARBIE
Oh plleeze! You see plots everywhere! I can't find any kitchen help because you insist on frisking the help every five minutes


GI JOE
Hey - me and the pool guy are close friends now


BARBIE
I heard...very close friends


GI JOE
Ssssh....hear that?


BARBIE
What? I don't hear anything


GI JOE
Well I do! I'm trained to hear. My ears are a lethal weapon


BARBIE
So is your brain


GI JOE
Thank you! Love 'ya babe! Uh-oh! There's somebody hiding somewhere!


BARBIE
It's probably just Paris Hilton's dog in heat again. The dog is always hot for my chiuahua, Mimi.


GI JOE
No - it's a human...and...it's hiding somewhere....over there!(


(GI JOE RUNS OVER TO THE BUSHES WHERE KEN IS HIDING)


GI JOE
Whoever is in there better show your face or I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions later. Wait a minute... I'm gonna ask questions and then shoot later... Something like that


(KEN SLOWLY STANDS UP)


KEN
Don't shoot! It's me, Joe! Ken! Remember? Our fun games at my beach house? I dress up like nurse and you...


GI JOE
Yeah...I remember. My soldier senses tell me that you're... an enemy! Sorry but I gotta blast you, Kenny boy


KEN
No! I swear! I'm a friend!


BARBIE
Ken? Is that you? How many more times do I have to tell you that we're through?


GI JOE
'ya want me to shoot him, babe? 'Cause I can! Just say the word!


KEN
No! You can't shoot me because...because...

OLD SOLDIERS - UPDATE

Made some progress and added some new dialogue to "Old Soldiers". Now working on starting from the beginning of the story, rather than continue to focus on the section where a group of old vets meeting in the bar/pub. This will stay as is (at least for the time being) but before proceeding, I have to  see where it all began.

I'm planning to introduce a female into the mix in order to show that Joe has a soft side. Most likely other characters who will show themselves as the writing progresses. Never know which direction a story line will go and that's what makes the task so interesting.

As much as I dislike - make that detest - doing a character chart and breakdown, it really does help. Actually, I didn't do it for the other two plays since I knew the beginning and ending before I even started writing the plays. The Old Soldiers story line is there in the short story version but like my paintings, it can change a hundred times until I get that internal "click" indicating it's working. Hopefully, this will help the process. Love this story and became close to the characters to the point where on occasion, I actually quote a line out loud when I'm in a situation that fits the line.

SCENES FROM LIFE

THE LINE UP II - a short playette for a short encounter

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Supermarket. 8-items-or-less line, where three people are waiting to check out items. A female with a shopping cart attempts to go through

FEMALE
Um - excuse me?

Male in front appears not to hear her so she speaks a little louder

FEMALE
Excuse me! I'd like to pass?

Male glances at her, then quickly away

FEMALE attempts to go by but is unable, due to the man blocking her

FEMALE
The aisle is wide and I'm thin, but not enough to squeeze by. If you don't mind - could you move to the side?

the other two customers gladly move against the counter to allow the shopping cart & female to pass. Male mumbles something unintelliglble, pointing to the door

FEMALE
Look - I had to pee. Okay? I parked my shopping cart outside the door and now I have to get through here to shop. So if you'll step aside...

MALE
Go out and around!

FEMALE
Pardon? You expect me to take my cart, go outside and re-enter when all you have to do is move towards the side, which will take a mere 10 seconds? Not!

the two shoppers move against the counter, again to allow the cart to pass

FEMALE
I don't believe this!

MAN STANDING AT COUNTER NEARBY
Me neither! I've been watching the guy. Misery!

FEMALE
Are you going to let me by or not?

MAN stands defiantly in middle of checkout aisle

FEMALE stands leaning on shopping cart, glaring at man who up until this point has been taking his time packing his things in bags.

FEMALE
(as MAN moves by her)
You are just too kind and what a gentleman! I'll make sure to remember your face in case you want the same courtesy.

MAN STANDING NEARBY AT COUNTER
Oh he's a real nice guy, alright!

As MALE passes, FEMALE shopper moves her shopping cart forward and somehow rolls a wheel over his foot

FEMALE
Oh no! How clumsy of me! Just one foot, though. You still have another! And now to go shop for food...

OLD SOLDIERS - THE PLAY CONTINUES

"Old Soldiers" is slowly evolving into a play. Whether it will be or could be considered radio-ready is another story or issue.

As mentioned in a number of previous pieces, I missed the deadline for the BBC Radio International Playwriting Competition. I had intended to re-write my favorite all-time short story, "Old Soldiers" into a radio play but somehow it just didn't happen. So what else is new.

In any case, I'm determined to have it ready for the next competition. To this end I even posted and shared pieces of it in this blog and received feedback from a cyber aquaintance who had written for radio. He wasn't impressed - let's leave it at that. It's been my experience that if I listened to everybody who has ever expressed a negative opinion about my writing, my career would never have lasted more than thirty years. I do, however, respect people's reactions but in the end will go by my gut feeling.

Today I'm proud to share that I wrote four pages of dialogue. It was the introduction so it's important and I like the end result. Now I have to think about how the story line will develop and will use and write a guide to this end. Always amazes me how and when my characters write their own lines. I hear them talking and am an invisible visitor as they share their lives. How fortunate I am!

TIME FOR ANOTHER "SKATE" RE-WRITE? MAYBE...

Perhaps it's the lousy weather that is making me feel very contemplative but for whatever reason, but I'm toying with the idea of re-writing my one and only film script, "Skate!"

The script was written a number of years ago and based on a personal experience learning to skate as a young girl of eight or nine...maybe ten, who remembers that far back. I wrote the script with the help of a Syd Field "how-to" book and the words and dialogue practically wrote themselves. Love it when that happens! Always consider that a good omen.

Initially, my idea was to do it as a play but the location changes and outdoor settings made it not viable. I suppose it could be done but somehow I envision it as a film.

Actually, perhaps it doesn't even need re-writing and having stored it away for a long time without as much as a glance, reading it now will certainly give me some perspective as to its viability. The mere idea of reading it makes me nervous. Although I always believed it to be good, what happens if in the end it's a piece of junk? What happens if it requires a complete re-do? Do I still have it in me to produce another angle not covered in the story line?

In any case, the first step is to dig it out among my collection of play re-writes. Then I'll place it on the table and look at the cover for a while. Perhaps 10 minutes...maybe more. I'll start at the list of characters and slowly, very slowly turn the pages until I get to scene 1. Most likely I'll take a deep breath, lick my lips a few times and go get something to drink. Keeping your throat wet is very important. I'll take a few breaths and begin:

EXT. SKATING RINK. NIGHT.

Arks to Go 1: Angie meets the ark builder

ARKS TO GO
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR
 
SCENE: WOMAN STARING OUT OF WINDOW

WOMAN
This is getting ridiculous...all this rain falling day after day... It’s gotta mean something...

(Grabs cell phone and checks for phone number)

WOMAN (cont'd.)

Good thing I kept the number... Aha! Found it!

(punches in phone number)

WOMAN
Hello... Hello? Is anybody there? Anyone? Someone?

(DEEP) VOICE
I’m here – where are you?

WOMAN
Is this Noah’s Ark?

VOICE (NOAH)

It could be. Who wants to know?

WOMAN
I saw your ad on TV yesterday. Do you build arks, perchance?

NOAH
With whom am I speaking to or with or at?

WOMAN
You don’t know me...

NOAH
...but you know me? How strange

WOMAN
I mean to say that I know you through your TV ads, not on a one-to-one basis

NOAH

That would explain it, then. Noah’s my name and arks are my game (chuckles)

WOMAN
Then I’ve got the right person. Listen...

NOAH
You know my name so it’s only fair I know yours

WOMAN
I’m not sure...I mean, I’m just calling you for information, actually

NOAH
Do I sense uncertainty on your part? Perhaps you really don’t want to build an ark?

WOMAN
I'm seriously contemplating the idea. Y'see – it’s all this rain that we’ve been having. Never ending, day-after-day, pelting down, and then there’s all that flooding all over the world. I think somebody is trying to tell us something if you get my drift

NOAH

(laughing)
‘Get my drift’ - very droll - and you want to build an ark. You made a witty statement. I like a sense of humor! It shows a healthy mind

WOMAN
Whatever - my ex would disagree... So you’ll sell me one?

NOAH
Sell? My dear – I don’t sell arks. I custom build them to certain specifications

WOMAN
That sounds expensive. How much do you charge?

NOAH
Not everything has a monetary value. Now...say I do agree to make you an ark, how many species are we talking about here?

WOMAN
I’m...not sure what you mean

NOAH
How many animal friends will be joining you on the ark? Fifty...one-hundred...ten thousand...more perhaps?

WOMAN
To be honest, I hadn’t thought about – well – taking... any extra animals along. Just me, my cat Diamond and Clover, my dog

NOAH

You’re not...taking...any... animals? Oh no no! That won’t do at all. We couldn’t have that. Absolutely not! Good bye!

WOMAN
Hello? Hello? Noah? Are you there?

(she punches in buttons frantically)

WOMAN (cont'd.)
Just what I need, to piss off the ark builder... It’s ringing... ‘Answer – please!’

NOAH
Arks to Go. Noah here

WOMAN
It’s me again! I’m sorry! You never mentioned anything in the ad about taking animals along! I mean, I’m allergic....

NOAH
I see...

WOMAN
...but I could take antihistamines! Please – build me an ark?

NOAH

Perhaps. So now how many species will be joining you?

WOMAN
I dunno. How about two dozen? Would that be acceptable? I mean, twenty-four is a good round number

NOAH
A hundred would be better

WOMAN
A hundred? Animals? What’s the matter with me? We’re only talking about cats and dogs and chipmunks and maybe birds...some deer...a couple of ducks and geese

NOAH
Actually, I'm  thinking more in the line of elephants, tigers, zebras – species of that nature

WOMAN
Say what?

NOAH
You remember the last time. Two of everything?

WOMAN
Would that also include – well – a human type male?

NOAH
That would indeed. Just you and him, the only humans on the ark

WOMAN
I see... I suppose I could adapt to wild animals. After all, I do clean kitty litter. So how long do young think it will take to build the ark? Not that I want to rush you or anything but all this rain is swelling the rivers and we still have to load all those elephants and tigers. No snakes, okay? I hate snakes!

NOAH

No snakes. That what got you humans in trouble in the first place

 

FURTHER THOUGHTS ABOUT MY PLAYS...I like them

Sometimes it takes people dropping by this blog to read my plays that renew my confidence in my capacity to write plays. In particular I'm referring to the 'shorts' - 10 minutes and under -some of which are showing up in the page-view count. That's nice. There are thousands if not millions of blogs being written and shared, in the hope of attracting the interest of readers. Plays are a bigger challenge because they fall into a certain niche, which is not everybody's cup of tea so to speak.

Although I've written two full plays, the short plays and short-short play-ettes are fun to write. They take a comedic route and for whatever reason bring out the cynical, sarcastic side of my personality. Further examination of recent visits by virtual strangers in the true sense of the word, reveals that "Waiting for Roach", written in 2008, piqued the interest of a couple of people. Maybe more, even. I've always felt it had potential but then I get that feeling for most of my plays, but this one in particular since it has only two characters from different age groups. Unfortunately (how I loathe that word) and after sending it out/submitting it to share with the theatre world, it has yet to be performed. However, reading it over thanks to bloggers, I have a new appreciation for the content as I do all the other plays that have surfaced. Keep reading them, people! It inspires me!

Then there are the fun "Barbie and Ken" sagas focusing on the adventures of the plastic fashionista and her circle of vinyl friends, which were popular when first written a few years ago. Although I planned to return to continue their adventures, for one reason or another - laziness comes to mind - I haven't as yet. For those people reading this who are waiting, more updates are forthcoming as long as their "parent" doesn't threaten to sue. Barbie is bored with Ken...again and this could mean trouble.

Many of the plays are based on personal experience and "The Teabag" is an account of a trying to get a tea refill at McDonalds. There - I wrote it. McDonalds offers free coffee refills but not tea refills. There is an injustice in that but I digress. This short-short is a personal favorite as are all of them, actually, especially "The Bra" that helped me get over a negative encounter attempting to return a bra. But I digress - again.

It's always gratifying as an aspiring playwright - although how long one can retain the "aspiring" status is worth a ponder or two - and writer to know that people read one's literary output and it gives one the impetus to continue in the hope that one day somebody, somewhere, will acknowledge their greatness and produce one of them. To paraphrase that famous line from "Sunset Boulevard": they're ready for their close-ups... You get the idea.

PHONE TALK
SHORT PLAY/COMEDY SKETCH

by Eleanor Tylbor



SCENE: Cell phones ring. SELMA and ELAINE, two seniors, conduct their daily conversation with each other to discuss…life.

ELAINE
Hello? Selma?

SELMA
Who are you and how d’ya know my name?

ELAINE
Gee – just lucky I guess! Get real, woman! It’s me!

SELMA
You…who? I don’t speak to people with no name. Goodbye!

(SELMA hangs up. Phone rings again)

ELAINE
Why’d you hang up on me?

SELMA
You called? When did you call?

ELAINE
Just now. Selma – it was me who called!

SELMA
I thought the voice sounded familiar

ELAINE
Oh fer… You don’t recognize the voice of your sister after all these years? I mean, really

SELMA
You sounded different

ELAINE
(sniffing a few times)
That’s ‘cause I got a cold

SELMA
It is you, Elaine! Why didn’t you just say so?

ELAINE
I tried – God knows I tried! Moving right along…

SELMA

You're moving? You never told me!

ELAINE

(coughs)

I'm not moving. I meant...anyway

SELMA
You’re sick? Stay away from me!

ELAINE
I can always count on you to have a sympathetic ear. Listen – I gotta go put drops in my nose so I’ll call you back

SELMA
Are you sure you should be talking to me? I mean – you could spread germs through the phone. These days you never know. Don't take too long 'cause I'm going out

(Both hang up. Phones ring again)

SELMA
Hello?

ELAINE
It’s me again. Sorry – hadda take some new pills

SELMA
Oh? What kind?

SELMA
Go know! I take so many these days. Some for my sinus (she sniffs)…some for my throat (she coughs)… Yeah – lots of pills…

ELAINE
So what’s new?

SELMA
What could be new?

ELAINE
I dunno. That’s why I’m asking

(pause for 2 seconds)

SELMA
I lead a very boring life and most of it is spent in doctor’s waiting rooms

ELAINE
You? I have five appointments this week with five different doctors! Even they can’t find out what’s the matter with me

SELMA
Doctor Michaels sent me for tests, today

ELAINE
Your back?

SELMA
I never went away. Oh…you mean the problem with my crooked spine that pains me so badly? The pain, Elaine - the pain! What should I expect having Dr. Sadist treating me…that quack!

ELAINE
That’s a new doctor?

SELMA
That’s not his real name. I just call him that. He keeps prescribing me pills that don’t work. I tell him, ‘doctor – gimme something that works!’ but does he listen? You should never know such pain. I suffer Elaine – I suffer plennnnnty!

ELAINE
You think that I don’t know pain? My neck is so sore, I can’t turn my head anymore

SELMA
So? Look straight ahead. Nothing much happens on the sides anyway

ELAINE
I’m serious! The back doctor gave me some free pill samples to try but they don’t work

SELMA
What kind of pills?

ELAINE
Lemme think a minute…they’re yellow…phila…feeda…fadda…something like that. Anyway, what do you care? You don’t have back problems

SELMA
So what? Maybe they’d be good for my shoulder. (moaning) Ohhhhhhhh….such pain…

ELAINE
This is new. You never mentioned shoulder pain before. Maybe try acupuncture. Freda Smith tells me that she goes to that Swedish guy, Hans Offer and it worked miracles for her

SELMA
(laughing)
I’ve seen Offer and believe me – needles aren’t the only things he gives her if you know what I mean. Look at the time

ELAINE
You’ve got an appointment?

SELMA
That’s later. I’m off to the shopping mall. Big sale today

ELAINE
What about you shoulder…and your neck pain…

SELMA
What’s a little ache between the bargains. You know what they say – when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping. So you’ll be ready in 10 minutes?

ELAINE
Make it fifteen. And Selma – bring along some of those new yellow pills

SCENES FROM LIFE:
A SHORT PLAY

AT THE HAIRDRESSER - PART 3


SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. HAIR STYLIST PEGGY IS EATING LUNCH. CLIENT 1 ENTERS. ANOTHER CLIENT, STELLA, IS SITTING ON A COUCH, HER HEAD COVERED WITH HAIR DYE


PEGGY
Hi! Be with you in a sec. Just finishing lunch. First time I'm sitting down all morning


CLIENT
No problem. I'm not in a rush


PEGGY
What's it like outside, now?


CLIENT
Better than the last time I was here. Remember it was free-zing?


PEGGY
That was when that lady had a car accident, no?


CLIENT
Uh-huh. Did you ever find out what happened?

PEGGY
Neh. We just watched out the window 'til the car was towed away.

(turns her head to face MARY, another hair stylist, who is reading a fashion magazine)

But we would have known had MARY gone to find out, like I asked!

MARY
It was cold out. Why couldn't someone else go? Like Peter over there

(PETER, another stylist is trimming a male client's hair)

PETER
You talking to me?

MARY
You're the only guy with the name Peter here

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey - that's my name, too!

MARY
Seriously? Go figure!

PETER'S CLIENT
Neh. Just kidding

(PETER & his client laugh)

MARY
Ha-ha... stupid and more stupider think they're funny. Whatever...

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey! I'm a customer. I deserve respect!

PETER
Don't mind her. It's probably "that" time of the month. You know what I mean

(Peter and his client laugh)

MARY
How did you guess? Wanna share a tampon? I got an extra one

PETER
You are one weird chick...

MARY
You are one sexist pig

PEGGY
Moving right along. Did anybody watch the wedding?

(STELLA's eyes are glued to a small TV set on the wall)

STELLA
Isn't she beautiful? They look like such a happy couple

PETER
Give them time. They just got married

STELLA
So cynical at your age! Young love is wonderful!

MARY
The only love that Peter has is for himself

(Peggy and Mary laugh together)

STELLA
You like her dress? I think it's too plain. A royal princess...

PEGGY
...she's not a princess, Stella...

STELLA
She's not a princess?? Then what is she?

MARY
She's a plain person, like you and me

STELLA
But...she married a Prince! That's gotta make her something special

MARY
I'm sure she is, at least to William!

STELLA
Are you sure?

PEGGY
Mary's right. She's a commoner

STELLA
She's common? She doesn't come from a nice family?

PEGGY
No - I mean - of course she does but she's just not a princess

STELLA
I dunno...I think she is

(few seconds of quiet as everyone stares at the TV screen)

STELLA
(cont'd.)
What you think of her veil? I think it's not fancy enough

PEGGY
Well - it's...okay

MARY
It's plain but very classy. Suits her nicely

PETER
(high pitch, feminine voice)
Well - I personally think it should have had - you know - more flowers and pretty things? Oh and those hats the guests wore - they made such a statement! Yuck!

PETER'S CLIENT
Oh I couldn't agree with you more

(they both laugh out loud together)

MARY
Like I said, small things amuse small minds

STELLA
I'm dripping

MARY
What?

STELLA
I'm dripping. I think the dye is ready to be washed

MARY
(checking her watch)
Oh yeah - you're right. Move over to the sink?

STELLA
(glancing at the TV)
Her dress could have been fancier. A princess should have a fancy dress like she's an important person

PEGGY
Stella - she's not a prin... Forget about it...

SCENES FROM LIFE:
A SHORT PLAY

AT THE HAIRDRESSER - PART 3


SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. HAIR STYLIST PEGGY IS EATING LUNCH. CLIENT 1 ENTERS. ANOTHER CLIENT, STELLA, IS SITTING ON A COUCH, HER HEAD COVERED WITH HAIR DYE


PEGGY
Hi! Be with you in a sec. Just finishing lunch. First time I'm sitting down all morning


CLIENT
No problem. I'm not in a rush


PEGGY
What's it like outside, now?


CLIENT
Better than the last time I was here. Remember it was free-zing?


PEGGY
That was when that lady had a car accident, no?


CLIENT
Uh-huh. Did you ever find out what happened?

PEGGY
Neh. We just watched out the window 'til the car was towed away.

(turns her head to face MARY, another hair stylist, who is reading a fashion magazine)

But we would have known had MARY gone to find out, like I asked!

MARY
It was cold out. Why couldn't someone else go? Like Peter over there

(PETER, another stylist is trimming a male client's hair)

PETER
You talking to me?

MARY
You're the only guy with the name Peter here

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey - that's my name, too!

MARY
Seriously? Go figure!

PETER'S CLIENT
Neh. Just kidding

(PETER & his client laugh)

MARY
Ha-ha... stupid and more stupider think they're funny. Whatever...

PETER'S CLIENT
Hey! I'm a customer. I deserve respect!

PETER
Don't mind her. It's probably "that" time of the month. You know what I mean

(Peter and his client laugh)

MARY
How did you guess? Wanna share a tampon? I got an extra one

PETER
You are one weird chick...

MARY
You are one sexist pig

PEGGY
Moving right along. Did anybody watch the wedding?

(STELLA's eyes are glued to a small TV set on the wall)

STELLA
Isn't she beautiful? They look like such a happy couple

PETER
Give them time. They just got married

STELLA
So cynical at your age! Young love is wonderful!

MARY
The only love that Peter has is for himself

(Peggy and Mary laugh together)

STELLA
You like her dress? I think it's too plain. A royal princess...

PEGGY
...she's not a princess, Stella...

STELLA
She's not a princess?? Then what is she?

MARY
She's a plain person, like you and me

STELLA
But...she married a Prince! That's gotta make her something special

MARY
I'm sure she is, at least to William!

STELLA
Are you sure?

PEGGY
Mary's right. She's a commoner

STELLA
She's common? She doesn't come from a nice family?

PEGGY
No - I mean - of course she does but she's just not a princess

STELLA
I dunno...I think she is

(few seconds of quiet as everyone stares at the TV screen)

STELLA
(cont'd.)
What you think of her veil? I think it's not fancy enough

PEGGY
Well - it's...okay

MARY
It's plain but very classy. Suits her nicely

PETER
(high pitch, feminine voice)
Well - I personally think it should have had - you know - more flowers and pretty things? Oh and those hats the guests wore - they made such a statement! Yuck!

PETER'S CLIENT
Oh I couldn't agree with you more

(they both laugh out loud together)

MARY
Like I said, small things amuse small minds

STELLA
I'm dripping

MARY
What?

STELLA
I'm dripping. I think the dye is ready to be washed

MARY
(checking her watch)
Oh yeah - you're right. Move over to the sink?

STELLA
(glancing at the TV)
Her dress could have been fancier. A princess should have a fancy dress like she's an important person

PEGGY
Stella - she's not a prin... Forget about it...

THE GOOD AND THE NOT-SO-GOOD UPDATE


"So Eleanor - tell us whether you submitted your revised and almost completely re-written play, "Old Soldiers" to the BBC International Playwriting Competition."


Missed the deadline for BBC International Playwriting Competition. It's so demoralizing. In spite of all my good intentions, that's as far as it got: good intentions. It couldn't be done - at least in time for this year. So what else is new but there's always next year. Even if nothing else, I'll have another play to submit.

It's not that the story line is weak but it requires a complete 're-think-through' and revisions that can't be made quickly. For example, in the re-write the opening has been changed to a bar (or pub) whereas in the short story, it was in Joe McKenna's apartment where he was alone with his thoughts and the occasional out-loud comment. It could work on stage but IMHO, not for radio.

Also added characters, Joe's friends and veterans, who meet at a bar/pub to toast another fallen old soldier - hence the name of the play. It's important to know why Joe et all feel the way they do. They are relics from another era who are suffering the ravages of old age. They are alone and in spite of their bickering, depend on each other for social inter-action and solace. Their medications require monetary output that they can't afford and their quality of life is limited.

Debating whether to introduce the character of Joe's landlady who does not presently exist and if so, whether or not she should be sympathetic or quite simply, mean. Also toying with the idea of adding a young boy or girl into the mix when Joe is in the park attending ceremonies. As they say: out of the mouths of babes, comes the real truth and clarity.

As stated - story is still in the revision/thinking things over, stage.

Meanwhile, went on the BBC site and read over a page focusing on writing a radio script, and another piece on hints for radio. Very helpful. Will print up the pages and keep them handy.


"Any good news to share with us, perhaps?"
Passed along my comedy play, "A Wedding!" to an aquaintance/actor/etc. for C&C and received a positive feedback. This was the first play I wrote and a personal favorite, although "Gin..." is funnier, again IMHO. This lifted my spirits although he suggested that I cut 10 pages.

Cut 10 pages??? Is that all???

This would mean I would have to consider yet another umpteenth re-write and I'm really not sure if I'm prepared to make a drastic change of this nature, at least not at this point. I'll think about it. Any positive feedback is an incentive to hang in but it gets harder. Perhaps the plays just aren't stage-worthy...then again, perhaps they are! Go know!

Meanwhile in order to keep my brain in a dialogue frame of mind, I'm going to start writing some more short pieces focusing on the adventures of Barbie and Ken and friends, and more scenes from life: a short playette. The latter are fun to write.

This best sums it all up: "If I write a new play, my point of view may be profoundly modified. I may be obliged to contradict myself and I may no longer know whether I still think what I think."
EUGENE IONESCO, Notes and Counter Notes

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE HAIRDRESSER: PART 2

SCENE: SMALL HAIR STYLING SALON WITH THREE STYLISTS. FEMALE CLIENT ENTERS SALON


CLIENT
Hi all!

HAIR STYLIST (PEGGY)
You’re early. My 12:30 that was supposed to be here before you is late, but that’s okay. I’ll dye your hair, meanwhile

CLIENT
Cold! I’m frozen. Now I know what a popsicle feels like

PEGGY
You walked here?

CLIENT
Can you tell? I’m wearing a hat, which I absolutely hate, tights under pants, a heavy sweater and a scarf. To top it off, my fingers were so cold and I hadda go buy a cheapie pair of gloves to put inside these old gloves that are finished. My hands feel like the Incredible Hulk. My cheeks burn...

PEGGY
(distracted...looking out of salon front window on to the parking lot)
...what’s going on there?

CLIENT
Oh nothing much. Somebody drove their car into the snow bank. As I was saying, it’s really freezing...

PEGGY
OhmyGawd! I see the car. Wow!

CLIENT
Moving right along... Yup – there are big chunks of the front fender everywhere. Gonna cost big bucks for sure

(PEGGY places plastic cape around client’s shoulders, still staring out of window)

PEGGY
How’d that happen?

CLIENT
Hard to tell. To me, it looks like she was trying to avoid hitting a car that was entering the parking lot and had to swerve...

(a male client enters and sits in chair. STAVROS, men’s stylist, puts cape around him)

MALE CLIENT
Big accident...big...

STAVROS
Uh-huh. Gonna cost a lot to fix that baby

MALE CLIENT
Woman driver of course

(the two men laugh/cackle)

CLIENT
Actually, I saw another car involved and I think it’s a male driver

STAVROS
Yeah but the female probably caused it

(STAVROS and male client laugh)

PEGGY
(straining to see out of the window from her position, standing on tip-toe)
Hey – maybe that’s my customer and that’s why she’s late! Did you get a look at the driver of the car?

CLIENT
Couldn’t miss her. She was pacing back and forth, talking to some people about the accident.

PEGGY
What she look like? Did she have blond streaked hair?

CLIENT
I think so...yeah...she did

PEGGY
I bet that’s her!

CLIENT
Is your client slim? The woman is slim

PEGGY
No...she’s kind’a plump. I’m sure that has’ta be her! Mary – go out and check to see if it’s her!

(MARY, another stylist, is sitting in her chair reading a magazine)

MARY
I’m busy here and besides, it’s too cold

PEGGY
But it could be my customer. It’s gonna screw up all my appointments for tomorrow if it’s her

CLIENT
Yeah Mary – go see if it’s her and if so, tell her she's late and Peggy is waiting for her

PEGGY
Wait a minute – didn’t you say the woman driver was slim?

CLIENT
Uh-huh

PEGGY
Then it’s not her so where is my 12:30?

MALE CLIENT
The driver must’a missed the exit and drove into the snow bank. It’s an older Mercedes and those parts are expensive. Wait ‘til her husband finds out

(MALE CLIENT AND STAVROS LAUGH/CACKLE)

PEGGY
(returns from mixing color in back room. Stares out of window while stirring dye in bowl)
Hmmm...still, maybe my client lost weight and it’s her...

STAVROS
Gonna be tricky to tow the car outta the snow bank.

MALE CLIENT
Yeah but from what I saw, the whole front end of the car is finit-o anyway

PEGGY
Poor lady...

CLIENT
Um...Peggy? We put the dye on my hair, not on my forehead?

PEGGY
Oh...sorry...so busy checking the accident... I mean, what do I say if it’s her? ‘Too bad about your car?’

MARY
I doubt whether she’d keep the appointment, anyway

PEGGY
Probably not under the circumstances. Maybe I should go out and – you know – offer her a coffee or something

MARY
You don’t even know who that is! Anyway, you just wanna know how it happened

PEGGY
Well I would know if you’d go out and check...!

MARY
Alright already! I’ll go but if I catch pneumonia...

(to be continued...)

OLD SOLDIERS - THE PLAY

As mentioned in a previous blog, working on converting my short story, "Old Soldiers", into a play for submission to the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition. To this end, I've completed approx. a dozen pages so far, with merely a month or so to go. Whether or not I can finish in time remains uncertain but even if I don't complete it this year, plan to submit it next time round. Obviously, I have to make modifications and change the story line somewhat given that the play should be 70 pages. I really do like what I've written so far.

Sound effects are minimal, at least at this point, but the story line calls for more later on. Meanwhile, here is a sample of the play so far. Comments welcome.

Note the play is not formatted for stage.

OLD SOLDIERS
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: A pub/bar.
SFX: Soft rock background music plays in the background, sound of people talking; sound of clinking glasses

JOE MCKENNA
Yup…yup…yup…one less of us. The way things are going, won’t be long before we’re all gone. ‘Over here, Mac!’ The man can hardly walk, even with a walker

MIKE
He's 87 for Christ's sake! We all ain’t peppy anymore in case you haven’t noticed. My glass is empty

JOE MCKENNA
Yeah and? I bought the last round

MIKE
Not! Well?

JOE MCKENNA
Well - what?

MIKE
It’s your damn turn to buy! Open up your pockets and free the moths

MAC
(gasping, breathing heavily)
Really... windy... out there – and cold. Hope it’s not...like this tomorrow

SFX: blows nose

MIKE
We don’t get to choose the kind of weather t’get buried. Anyway, it’s November.

JOE
Whad’ya having, Mac?

MIKE
You’re buying him a drink? What about me?

JOE
He just got here. You been sponging off me for an hour

MIKE
Say what? You got that backwards!

MAC
I don’t need no handout. I can afford t’buy my own drink, thank you very much.

JOE
Whatever…

MIKE
You should’a taken him up on that. The man’s a cheap bastard

MAC
(aside to bartender)
‘The usual!’ My body feels like one gigantic pain

JOE
Just a few of us old farts left, now.

SFX: GLASSES BEING PLACED ON BAR

BARTENDER
So who’s paying?

(five seconds of silence)

MIKE
He is!

MAC
I’ll pay for all of us if it means avoiding another fight. Drink up guys!

JOE
‘To all the fallen heroes – especially Percy – wherever you are!’ I cut his obit out’ta the paper t’keep as a souvenir

MIKE
Another obit for your wallet? Must be full by now

JOE
It’s easy to fill these days what with medical bills and all, but not with money.

MIKE
Don’t I know it

MAC
I wanted to keep the obit, too, but I don’t get the paper every day, anymore

JOE
I’ll save mine for you when I finish. A person should keep up with what’s going on in the world

MAC
What the hell for? I don’t need’a read about murders and people dying in the street. Ignorance is bliss

MIKE
Did it say whether Percy had any kids? Don’t recall him mentioning anything

JOE
(reading out loud)
‘….Percy Albertson, son of….blah-blah-blah… Daughter Fiona…’ He had a daughter? Don’t remember him mentioning any

MAC
Maybe he wasn’t speaking to her. Families are too busy these days to visit the old folk

JOE
Says the funeral’s tomorrow afternoon at 2 o’clock. Good – that gives me enough time

MIKE
To do what? Watch your TV programs?

JOE
Got plans t’make

MAC
Like?

JOE
Plans…that’s all. I don’t hav’ta tell you everything

MIKE
You never share anything even though we tell you our personal stuff. Shoot - didn’t find out you were married ‘til three months later. You are one secretive weirdo

JOE
They’ll bury him with full military honors for sure, flag and all. Big, bloody, deal. He needed help when he was alive

MIKE
There you go changing the subject on us, again. Hey look – the old jukebox is working again.

SFX: sound of coins on table

Anybody got five bucks to play a song?

JOE
Say what? The jukebox takes $5 a shot, now? I’ll listen to my old 45’s

MIKE
Never mind – I found a five dollar bill

JOE
Wa’cha gonna play, anyway

MIKE
You gotta pay if you wanna know what I’m gonna play. The good old days weren’t so good, anyway

JOE
I can wait to hear

MIKE
I’ll be back

MAC
This weather don’t do my back any good. I have trouble walking today

JOE
What about those new pills they you last month?

MAC
Pills can’t re-build an old, worn-out body and that’s what I need. A new body

JOE
Don’t we all. What time is it, anyway?

MAC
Four o’clock. Anybody hear from Al? He was supposed meet us here an hour ago

JOE
He left a message on my answering machine last week to say he’d be joining us.

MAC
It’s getting dark. Don’t like it out when it gets dark. Not safe for old people

MIKE
Maybe we should call him and see if he’s on his way? I mean, he hasn’t been well lately

MAC
Do you have his phone number?

JOE
He never gave it to me

MAC
Come to think of it, I don’t have it

MAC
Mike’s coming back. Where’s the music? Jukebox not working

MIKE
Neh! They don’t have my stuff. Only that crap they play on the radio these days you know – Lady Goo-Goo…whoever. So where’s Al?

MAC
Damned if I know. Who was supposed to call and remind him?

(silence)

JOE
Just great. The guy supposed to meet us here and nobody bothers calling to remind him. Good friends he has

MIKE
Do you have his number, big shot?

JOE
No but I assumed one of youze has it written down, somewhere

MAC
What about a cell phone?

MIKE
Doesn’t own one. He never much liked modern technology. To tell you the truth, neither do I

JOE
So how we supposed to remind him that we’re all here and he’s supposed to meet us? Send a messenger?

MIKE
He could still show up

MAC
I said…I have one

JOE
One what? What are you babbling about?

MAC
I have…a cell phone

MIKE
What in God’s name do you need a cell phone? All your friends are dead

SCENES FROM REAL LIFE

A SHORT PLAYETTE: THE COFFEE CUP


SCENE: WELL-KNOWN COFFEE SHOP/CHAIN. MAN RETURNS WITH TWO MUGS, ONE FILLED WITH COFFEE AND THE OTHER WITH BOILED WATER FOR TEA


MAN
(placing mug on table)
Here's your boiled water


(woman peers into cup and stares for 5 seconds)


MAN
Aren't you going to drop in your teabag? The water's gonna get cold and you know how you are about water being boiling hot


WOMAN
I have a problem here

MAN
Now what? The water's luke warm, I suppose?


WOMAN
Nope. The water is dirty


MAN
You're kidding! Dirty as in...


WOMAN
Look inside. There are black thingies floating around


(man lifts mug and peers inside)


WOMAN
...and the rim of the mug is dirty. What do they use to wash their dishes? A cat's tongue?


MAN
You're right - there are thingies floating around. You go bring it to their attention. It's your water


(there is a small line-up of people waiting to be served. Woman waits at end of line holding mug of water. Female/customer in front turns around looks at mug and then at woman)


WOMAN
Dirty water. Horrible


CUSTOMER
Oh.. That's too bad...


WOMAN
Yes it it and look - thingies floating inside


CUSTOMER
(peering into mug)
Yup - I see them, too. Look - why don't you move in front of me. You should be first since you were already served


WOMAN
Thank you. That's very considerate. It's just so...blechy to get a dirty mug.


CUSTOMER
Why don't you ask them for a paper cup, instead?


WOMAN
That's okay for coffee but for tea, one must have a china mug


CUSTOMER
It's your turn now... give him hell!

WOMAN
(to person serving coffee)
This water has thingies floating around in it and the mug is dirty. Check it for yourself.


CUSTOMER
She's right, y'know. Check it out! Really - you guys should make a better effort to wash your cups better


(SERVER TAKES MUG FROM WOMAN, LOOKS INSIDE, THROWS HER A DIRTY LOOK, EMPTIES WATER AND RE-FILLS MUG. WOMAN TAKES IT FROM SERVER AND CHECKS WATER AND MUG)


WOMAN
This looks okay but I'll have to take it back and look under the light


SERVER
Dishwasher is broken


WOMAN
Then don't use china mugs! I mean, really... If you had told me in advance, I would have settled for coffee today and used a paper cup


SERVER
Of course. You're right. The customer is always right. I should have known better... Your mug of water is clear now and there are a lot of people waiting to be served


WOMAN
(turning to people in line)
'Their dishwasher is broken! Stick to paper cups!'


WOMAN
(aside to server)
Have a great day. Tea in paper cups - what next...