ARKS TO GO: the flood sequel II

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE:  BEDROOM. 2 a.m. THE PHONE RINGS

FEMALE (ANGIE)

(groggy)

Hel-hello?

VOICE (NOAH)

Angie – it’s me

ANGIE

You…who?

NOAH

Don’t you recognize my voice?

ANGIE

It’s two in the morning and I’m not into guessing games

NOAH

(coughing and clearing his throat)

Think! Hasn’t been that long. Last year? Water? Two by two?

ANGIE

You’re one of those perverts, aren’t you? I’m hanging up…

NOAH

No! Please! If it’s my heavy breathing, I’ve got a cold. All this rain… Does that mean anything to you?

ANGIE

You’re a sick man. Get help!

(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)

(cont’d. ANGIE)  Hello?

NOAH

(coughing and sneezing. Sound of elephant and monkeys in background)

It’s me again. I need your help. ‘Quiet guys! I’m trying to talk here!’

ANGIE

You wanna believe you do, but I’m not listening to what you wanna say! Are you aware that it’s illegal to keep wild animals?

NOAH

I got the word from someone high – really high up - to do this. As I was saying – I need your help

ANGIE

You’re a drug pusher, too! You sick-o. I’m hanging up now…

(sound of elephants)

NOAH

‘Didn’t I say to cool it?’ Oh just great. ‘Thanks for fertilizing the floor, guys!’ Took me two days to clean up their last mess. That’s what I get for forgetting to put diapers on them. So as I was saying before I was interrupted, I need your help

ANGIE

And as I told you, I’m ending this phone call

(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)

NOAH

Time is of the essence here. I’m sure you’ve noticed all this rain we’ve been having. There’s a reason for it. Does this mean anything to you at all? Rain? Animals?

ANGIE

Hang on a minute…are you…

NOAH

Noah’s the name and rain is my game

(NOAH sneezes and coughs)

Allergy to lion hair. Is it coming back to you now? Remember last year when it rained like this and we worked together loading the ark?

ANGIE

How could I forget the boa constrictors. Nearly choked me

NOAH

Aw – they’re big jokers. They were just being friendly-like. They do that to all newcomers.

ANGIE

Just how many newcomers have there been and what happened to them?

NOAH

They weren’t the right type for the voyage, anyway. Getting back to this phone call. Seems there’s talk of another big flood. We gotta get prepared

ANGIE

That’s what you told me last time and nothing became of it

NOAH

But didn’t you meet a male like I promised you?

ANGIE

Like I said, nothing became of it

NOAH

You can lead a man to the water but you can’t make him come aboard, if you get my drift. Oh my – I made a joke…

ANGIE

Very humorous. Look – I’ve got a good job now…let me think on it.

NOAH

How long do you need? An hour?

ANGIE

Gimme a break! A day or two at least! This isn’t an easy decision

NOAH

You think I have nothing better to do? Come to think of it, actually I don’t

ANGIE

I’d have to give up a lot

NOAH

More than you know if you let this opportunity go by

ANGIE

How do I get in touch with you?

NOAH

I’ll get back to you. (sound of fighting in the background) Gotta go. The zebras are in the middle of two fueding lions and we know how that’s gonna turn out. 

TO BE CONTINUED

Arks to Go 1: Angie meets the ark builder

ARKS TO GO
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR
 
SCENE: WOMAN STARING OUT OF WINDOW

WOMAN
This is getting ridiculous...all this rain falling day after day... It’s gotta mean something...

(Grabs cell phone and checks for phone number)

WOMAN (cont'd.)

Good thing I kept the number... Aha! Found it!

(punches in phone number)

WOMAN
Hello... Hello? Is anybody there? Anyone? Someone?

(DEEP) VOICE
I’m here – where are you?

WOMAN
Is this Noah’s Ark?

VOICE (NOAH)

It could be. Who wants to know?

WOMAN
I saw your ad on TV yesterday. Do you build arks, perchance?

NOAH
With whom am I speaking to or with or at?

WOMAN
You don’t know me...

NOAH
...but you know me? How strange

WOMAN
I mean to say that I know you through your TV ads, not on a one-to-one basis

NOAH

That would explain it, then. Noah’s my name and arks are my game (chuckles)

WOMAN
Then I’ve got the right person. Listen...

NOAH
You know my name so it’s only fair I know yours

WOMAN
I’m not sure...I mean, I’m just calling you for information, actually

NOAH
Do I sense uncertainty on your part? Perhaps you really don’t want to build an ark?

WOMAN
I'm seriously contemplating the idea. Y'see – it’s all this rain that we’ve been having. Never ending, day-after-day, pelting down, and then there’s all that flooding all over the world. I think somebody is trying to tell us something if you get my drift

NOAH

(laughing)
‘Get my drift’ - very droll - and you want to build an ark. You made a witty statement. I like a sense of humor! It shows a healthy mind

WOMAN
Whatever - my ex would disagree... So you’ll sell me one?

NOAH
Sell? My dear – I don’t sell arks. I custom build them to certain specifications

WOMAN
That sounds expensive. How much do you charge?

NOAH
Not everything has a monetary value. Now...say I do agree to make you an ark, how many species are we talking about here?

WOMAN
I’m...not sure what you mean

NOAH
How many animal friends will be joining you on the ark? Fifty...one-hundred...ten thousand...more perhaps?

WOMAN
To be honest, I hadn’t thought about – well – taking... any extra animals along. Just me, my cat Diamond and Clover, my dog

NOAH

You’re not...taking...any... animals? Oh no no! That won’t do at all. We couldn’t have that. Absolutely not! Good bye!

WOMAN
Hello? Hello? Noah? Are you there?

(she punches in buttons frantically)

WOMAN (cont'd.)
Just what I need, to piss off the ark builder... It’s ringing... ‘Answer – please!’

NOAH
Arks to Go. Noah here

WOMAN
It’s me again! I’m sorry! You never mentioned anything in the ad about taking animals along! I mean, I’m allergic....

NOAH
I see...

WOMAN
...but I could take antihistamines! Please – build me an ark?

NOAH

Perhaps. So now how many species will be joining you?

WOMAN
I dunno. How about two dozen? Would that be acceptable? I mean, twenty-four is a good round number

NOAH
A hundred would be better

WOMAN
A hundred? Animals? What’s the matter with me? We’re only talking about cats and dogs and chipmunks and maybe birds...some deer...a couple of ducks and geese

NOAH
Actually, I'm  thinking more in the line of elephants, tigers, zebras – species of that nature

WOMAN
Say what?

NOAH
You remember the last time. Two of everything?

WOMAN
Would that also include – well – a human type male?

NOAH
That would indeed. Just you and him, the only humans on the ark

WOMAN
I see... I suppose I could adapt to wild animals. After all, I do clean kitty litter. So how long do young think it will take to build the ark? Not that I want to rush you or anything but all this rain is swelling the rivers and we still have to load all those elephants and tigers. No snakes, okay? I hate snakes!

NOAH

No snakes. That what got you humans in trouble in the first place