Arks to Go II - the Flood: calling Noah

SCENE: ANGIE'S APARTMENT.

ANGIE scans the telephone directory

ANGIE
Good I kept this old phone directory. Let's see here... H....J...N...What would he be listed, under? Duh! I'm so dense! Logically, has'ta be under boat building. If only I could remember the name of his company. The Ark Store? Try that. Good a name as any. Nope - not listed. How about...Arks for All... This is  ridiculous. They're a gazillion possibilities. Maybe he gave up his land phone, which would make this search an exercise in futility. Should have been nicer to him. I mean, he is old and all and meant well I suppose...and he did introduce me to a decent guy even though it didn't work out...What did I do in return in the way of thanks? Told him to take his ark and...

Phone rings. ANGIE answers

ANGIE
Hello?

She hears heavy breathing

ANGIE (cont'd.)
Anybody there?

Still more heavy breathing

ANGIE
Do we have us a pervert, here? Really, your type are so obvious. Disgusting, vile, dregs of the earth...

NOAH
Guess who?

ANGIE
...sewer slime... Noah? That you?

NOAH
Bad cold...

(he sneezes and coughs)

ANGIE
Good that you stopped me. I was about to direct some very bad language at what I thought was one of those heavy breather pieces of garbage that pollute the earth...

NOAH
(sneezes)
I understand you were trying to reach me?

ANGIE
I misplaced your number and was trying to touch base with you again, but how did you know?

NOAH
(coughing)
Let's just say that - (sneezes) -

ANGIE
...bless you...

NOAH
I am that. As I was saying...I have connections. What's up?

ANGIE
I've been thinking things over and - well - perhaps I've been too rash in my judgement of your project

NOAH
(coughing and blowing his nose)
As I recall in our last conversation, you made it clear that you didn't want to hear from me ever again

ANGIE
That was then. This is now. Sometimes my mouth gets the better of me and things roll out of my mouth that I don't mean

NOAH
As in?

ANGIE
Not giving you the benefit of the doubt and questioning your authenticity. I should have trusted in you but nooooo... Instead I gave you your walking papers or in this case, your sailing papers...

NOAH
Are you trying to say you've re-considered helping me rebuild the ark?

ANGIE
You got it - if you'll have me

NOAH
How do I know that you won't lose interest like before. Time is marching on and bad weather is just around the corner.

ANGIE
 Let's just say that I've come to the realization that there are more important things in life than finding mister right

NOAH
(sneezing repeatedly)
No time like the present to get back to work.

ANGIE
Where do we start?

NOAH
There are some conditions, though

ANGIE
I knew it was too good to be true

NOAH
Nothing that you can't handle

ANGIE
Like?

NOAH
Your duties will include keeping the interior of the ark clean, when it's built of course

ANGIE
You have to be joking. All those animals...

NOAH
I'm not finished. You will also have to play the roll of peace maker

(NOAH sneezes)

ANGIE
Bless you!

NOAH
I am

ANGIE
But...there are so many species. How do I communicate with them?

NOAH
Darn if I know but I have every confidence you'll find a way. Time is marching on and there's a lot to do. I'll  send Roger to come pick you up

ANGIE
Would this be the male representation to me? I better wash my hair...and pick my wardrobe to take with me...don't want to give a first bad impression...

NOAH
Really - Roger doesn't care about those things

ANGIE
Has he seen a photo of me, perchance?

NOAH
I did show him the one that we took together. Roger never forgets a face

ANGIE
Oh really?

NOAH
I'm sending him over to pick you up. He should be there in ten minutes.

ANGIE
Hello...? Noah...? Better get dressed for the occasion. Want to make a good impression

(Ten minutes later the doorbell rings. ANGIE opens the door)

ANGIE (cont'd)

Just a minute...com-ing! I've heard so much about you...

(Angie opens the door and jumps back)

ANGIE (cont'd.)
You're...Roger?

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Arks to Go II - the Flood: a friendly re-call

 A FRIENDLY RE-CALL

by Eleanor Tylbor

 



 

 

SCENE:   ANGIE'S APARTMENT.

AT RISE:  ANGIE WATCHES TV, ALONE.  PHONE RINGS. NO INFO. AVAILABLE AS TO THE CALLER.

 

ANGIE
I may regret this but it could be somebody answering my on-line dating ad. Hello?

NOAH
Guess who?

ANGIE
You have the wrong number

(She disconnects. Phone rings once more)

(cont'd. ANGIE)
Not again... Hello?

NOAH
We seem to have been disconnected...

ANGIE
Actually...no. I recognized the voice

NOAH
This is Angie, right? The person who contacted me a while back about building an ark?

ANGIE
I remember that day only too well and have questioned my sanity since on numerous occasions

NOAH
I get it! You're joking with me, aren't you? Of course you are. 'hahahahahahah' See? I have a sense of humor

ANGIE
I'm not trying to be funny, I can assure you

NOAH
I thought you were. Anywaaaay... so whad'ya think about all the rain we've been having? Think somebody is trying to tell us something? Seems to me that...

ANGIE
Been there - heard that. I'm not in the mood for another one of your philosophical lectures, Noah. I'm gonna disconnect, now.

NOAH
I feel you're upset... Joe busy, is he?

ANGIE
I'm watching a movie. Alone. All by myself.  What does that tell you?    But since you asked, Joe, as  many have before him, moved on

NOAH
Would you like me to look up his new address? I have access to everyone's number on the planet...

ANGIE
I don't want to discuss this with you. Good-bye

NOAH
Your voice tells me something is wrong

ANGIE
Something wrong? You have to ask me if something is wrong? You interrupted what could have been the perfect romantic evening by showing up at my door

NOAH
It was merely a friendly visit. I thought we could get to know each other before embarking on our trip

ANGIE
Excuse me? A really old guy with straggly long hair and a white beard dragging on the floor, dressed in army fatigues and smelling of animal dung, shows up at my door and starts asking my date questions about the next flood and his experience in building arks. What did you think he'd do?

NOAH
Would you like me to call him and apologize? I will, y'know. Perhaps I could make it up to him by offering him a trip on my ark

ANGIE
What ark? You don't have an ark, Noah! Remember? Now if you don't mind and even if you do, I'm going to make some popcorn and...

NOAH
Popcorn? I LOVE popcorn. I'll be right over along with a friend or two...

ANGIE
I don't think so... Hello? Noah?

(DOORBELL RINGS. SOUND OF ELEPHANT AND MONKEY CAN BE HEARD)

(cont'd. ANGIE)  No...please no...

(Angie opens the door. Noah is standing outside)

NOAH
Hope you don't mind that brought along a few friends. They get a little crazy without supervision. So? Where's the popcorn? Tell me, Angie - have you ever thought about adopting a pet?

(TO BE CONTINUED)

 





ARKS TO GO: the flood sequel II

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE:  BEDROOM. 2 a.m. THE PHONE RINGS

FEMALE (ANGIE)

(groggy)

Hel-hello?

VOICE (NOAH)

Angie – it’s me

ANGIE

You…who?

NOAH

Don’t you recognize my voice?

ANGIE

It’s two in the morning and I’m not into guessing games

NOAH

(coughing and clearing his throat)

Think! Hasn’t been that long. Last year? Water? Two by two?

ANGIE

You’re one of those perverts, aren’t you? I’m hanging up…

NOAH

No! Please! If it’s my heavy breathing, I’ve got a cold. All this rain… Does that mean anything to you?

ANGIE

You’re a sick man. Get help!

(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)

(cont’d. ANGIE)  Hello?

NOAH

(coughing and sneezing. Sound of elephant and monkeys in background)

It’s me again. I need your help. ‘Quiet guys! I’m trying to talk here!’

ANGIE

You wanna believe you do, but I’m not listening to what you wanna say! Are you aware that it’s illegal to keep wild animals?

NOAH

I got the word from someone high – really high up - to do this. As I was saying – I need your help

ANGIE

You’re a drug pusher, too! You sick-o. I’m hanging up now…

(sound of elephants)

NOAH

‘Didn’t I say to cool it?’ Oh just great. ‘Thanks for fertilizing the floor, guys!’ Took me two days to clean up their last mess. That’s what I get for forgetting to put diapers on them. So as I was saying before I was interrupted, I need your help

ANGIE

And as I told you, I’m ending this phone call

(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)

NOAH

Time is of the essence here. I’m sure you’ve noticed all this rain we’ve been having. There’s a reason for it. Does this mean anything to you at all? Rain? Animals?

ANGIE

Hang on a minute…are you…

NOAH

Noah’s the name and rain is my game

(NOAH sneezes and coughs)

Allergy to lion hair. Is it coming back to you now? Remember last year when it rained like this and we worked together loading the ark?

ANGIE

How could I forget the boa constrictors. Nearly choked me

NOAH

Aw – they’re big jokers. They were just being friendly-like. They do that to all newcomers.

ANGIE

Just how many newcomers have there been and what happened to them?

NOAH

They weren’t the right type for the voyage, anyway. Getting back to this phone call. Seems there’s talk of another big flood. We gotta get prepared

ANGIE

That’s what you told me last time and nothing became of it

NOAH

But didn’t you meet a male like I promised you?

ANGIE

Like I said, nothing became of it

NOAH

You can lead a man to the water but you can’t make him come aboard, if you get my drift. Oh my – I made a joke…

ANGIE

Very humorous. Look – I’ve got a good job now…let me think on it.

NOAH

How long do you need? An hour?

ANGIE

Gimme a break! A day or two at least! This isn’t an easy decision

NOAH

You think I have nothing better to do? Come to think of it, actually I don’t

ANGIE

I’d have to give up a lot

NOAH

More than you know if you let this opportunity go by

ANGIE

How do I get in touch with you?

NOAH

I’ll get back to you. (sound of fighting in the background) Gotta go. The zebras are in the middle of two fueding lions and we know how that’s gonna turn out. 

TO BE CONTINUED

Arks to Go 1: Angie meets the ark builder

ARKS TO GO
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR
 
SCENE: WOMAN STARING OUT OF WINDOW

WOMAN
This is getting ridiculous...all this rain falling day after day... It’s gotta mean something...

(Grabs cell phone and checks for phone number)

WOMAN (cont'd.)

Good thing I kept the number... Aha! Found it!

(punches in phone number)

WOMAN
Hello... Hello? Is anybody there? Anyone? Someone?

(DEEP) VOICE
I’m here – where are you?

WOMAN
Is this Noah’s Ark?

VOICE (NOAH)

It could be. Who wants to know?

WOMAN
I saw your ad on TV yesterday. Do you build arks, perchance?

NOAH
With whom am I speaking to or with or at?

WOMAN
You don’t know me...

NOAH
...but you know me? How strange

WOMAN
I mean to say that I know you through your TV ads, not on a one-to-one basis

NOAH

That would explain it, then. Noah’s my name and arks are my game (chuckles)

WOMAN
Then I’ve got the right person. Listen...

NOAH
You know my name so it’s only fair I know yours

WOMAN
I’m not sure...I mean, I’m just calling you for information, actually

NOAH
Do I sense uncertainty on your part? Perhaps you really don’t want to build an ark?

WOMAN
I'm seriously contemplating the idea. Y'see – it’s all this rain that we’ve been having. Never ending, day-after-day, pelting down, and then there’s all that flooding all over the world. I think somebody is trying to tell us something if you get my drift

NOAH

(laughing)
‘Get my drift’ - very droll - and you want to build an ark. You made a witty statement. I like a sense of humor! It shows a healthy mind

WOMAN
Whatever - my ex would disagree... So you’ll sell me one?

NOAH
Sell? My dear – I don’t sell arks. I custom build them to certain specifications

WOMAN
That sounds expensive. How much do you charge?

NOAH
Not everything has a monetary value. Now...say I do agree to make you an ark, how many species are we talking about here?

WOMAN
I’m...not sure what you mean

NOAH
How many animal friends will be joining you on the ark? Fifty...one-hundred...ten thousand...more perhaps?

WOMAN
To be honest, I hadn’t thought about – well – taking... any extra animals along. Just me, my cat Diamond and Clover, my dog

NOAH

You’re not...taking...any... animals? Oh no no! That won’t do at all. We couldn’t have that. Absolutely not! Good bye!

WOMAN
Hello? Hello? Noah? Are you there?

(she punches in buttons frantically)

WOMAN (cont'd.)
Just what I need, to piss off the ark builder... It’s ringing... ‘Answer – please!’

NOAH
Arks to Go. Noah here

WOMAN
It’s me again! I’m sorry! You never mentioned anything in the ad about taking animals along! I mean, I’m allergic....

NOAH
I see...

WOMAN
...but I could take antihistamines! Please – build me an ark?

NOAH

Perhaps. So now how many species will be joining you?

WOMAN
I dunno. How about two dozen? Would that be acceptable? I mean, twenty-four is a good round number

NOAH
A hundred would be better

WOMAN
A hundred? Animals? What’s the matter with me? We’re only talking about cats and dogs and chipmunks and maybe birds...some deer...a couple of ducks and geese

NOAH
Actually, I'm  thinking more in the line of elephants, tigers, zebras – species of that nature

WOMAN
Say what?

NOAH
You remember the last time. Two of everything?

WOMAN
Would that also include – well – a human type male?

NOAH
That would indeed. Just you and him, the only humans on the ark

WOMAN
I see... I suppose I could adapt to wild animals. After all, I do clean kitty litter. So how long do young think it will take to build the ark? Not that I want to rush you or anything but all this rain is swelling the rivers and we still have to load all those elephants and tigers. No snakes, okay? I hate snakes!

NOAH

No snakes. That what got you humans in trouble in the first place