DOES MY PLAY SOUND FAMILIAR TO YOU?

For whatever reason - lack of a proper filing system springs to mind - there are problems when it comes to submitting my plays to various theatres or competitions. This point was brought home recently upon reading the guidelines to a 10-minute competition that could be a fit for my short plays. This is a yearly competition and as I recall it was the lucky (IMHO) recipient of one of my literary offerings last year but the problem is...which one.

In the past I opened a file to keep track of which plays were sent to whom but along the way, I stopped making notes. Now I'm forced to play a guessing game in order to hide my ineffectual (read: non-existent) filing system. Should I own up to this fact in a covering letter? Something to the effect:

"Dear blah-blah,

Please find my short play, blah-blah, for your 10-minute competition. Perhaps it might look familiar and could have been one of last year's entries but then again, maybe not. If it doesn't strike a familiar chord, then consider it my official submission."

Be that as it may, I'm going to check through my "sent" file and see what turns up, if anything. If not - it's another guessing game. Did I mention that my play wasn't among those selected to be performed. Then again maybe I meant to send it but never got around to doing it. Go know!

THE TEA BAG: A SHORT PLAY
By Eleanor Tylbor

Characters:

Fast food server: Punk-look i.e. multi-colored hair,
Long dangly earrings

Customer

Manager (male)

Scene:

Fast food restaurant. Customer is standing at counter with styrofoam cup in hand


SERVER
Uh-huh?

HAPPY CUSTOMER
Free tea refill, please, herbal if you have it

SERVER

(chewing gum/blows bubbles)
No free refills on tea

NOT-SO-HAPPY-CUSTOMER
You… don't… give refills on tea?

SERVER
Uh-uh. Could you move along?

CUSTOMER
‘Scuse me but you now have an unhappy customer. You do realize that, don’t you?

SERVER
Uh-huh. Next…

CUSTOMER

(Looking around for signs on wall)

Where does it say they’re no tea refills? I don’t see signs posted anywhere

SERVER
Holding up sign that reads: 'FREE COFFEE REFILLS'

Right…here

Server extends finger and points to sign.
Sticks finger inside her mouth and removes
gum pulling it until it is a long string.
Replaces it back in her mouth. Wipes fingers
on clothes

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head in horror)
Your nails are long, aren’t they? But this says free coffee refills. I want tea

SERVER
They’re not real, the nails I mean. Lost a couple last week and I still haven’t found them. Guess they’ll show up…somewhere

CUSTOMER
(hesitatingly)
My tea? Remember?

SERVER
Like I told you, free coffee refills. Them’s the rules

CUSTOMER
You mean, those are the rules. It’s plural… more than one…

SERVER
Now you want more than one refill? No way, José! Never!

CUSTOMER
I meant…I was just trying to say… Now focus. There’s no logic to your rule. We’re only talking here about one lousy teabag for heaven’s sake. Let’s say…I brought one in here from home?

SERVER
(Silence while she thinks. Pulls gum out of
her mouth in a long strip and replaces it
back into her mouth, wiping hands on blouse)

I gotta ask the manager 'bout that.

(An unshaven, heavy-set male with long greasy hair, wearing a tied scarf on his head approaches - grabs the SERVER and kisses her open-mouthed on the lips. They lock lips for 30 seconds)

MANAGER
Later babe

SERVER
Oh Howie – you’re so ro-man-tic!

MANAGER hits server on bum as she EXITS

CUSTOMER
Your…friend there is telling me that refills are good for coffee only . Unfortunately, I’m a tea drinker

MANAGER
That’s your problem – not ours

CUSTOMER
All I need is one lousy cup filled with hot water AND a teabag. I'm not even fussy about the brand at this point, and your water doesn't even have to be boiled properly!

MANAGER
Gonna hav’ta charge you

CUSTOMER
You have to or you want to? This is…tea prejudice!

MANAGER
Whatever that means

CUSTOMER
I shall alert the tea growers of the world regarding your policy and discriminatory attitude towards tea drinkers

MANAGER
Lemme put it this way - I won't stay up nights worrying

CUSTOMER
How many clients have been turned away as a result of this injustice, huh? Thousands – nay – maybe millions even!

MANAGER
Look pal, there's a long line of people behind you so decide, but there ain’t nothing I can do ‘bout it

CUSTOMER
Let's make this simple…

MANAGER
…and fast? I got a line of people who wanna be served

CUSTOMER
One cup of boiled water

MANAGER
(writing on pad)
That it?

CUSTOMER
Now put it in a styrofoam cup…you don’t charge for
styrofoam cups, do you? I mean, you have to pour the hot water into something

MANAGER
I better check corporate headquarters t’find out

CUSTOMER
No need. Consider lending me a teabag. Isn’t that a great idea? Of course it is! You can have it back once I've finished and then pass it on to the next customer. That way we both win

MANAGER
Borrow a tea bag…I dunno 'bout that

CUSTOMER
Be a fast food pioneer and tell the world, 'I’m-going-to-start-giving-free-tea-refills!' Hey! Maybe they’ll write you up in National Geographic! Or National Enquirer - or both! They could even add your photo, too! What’s your name, anyway?

MANAGER
Howard

CUSTOMER
What a normal name for a… I can see the headline now: 'Howard…somebody, manager of the Eat’n’Run, through his pioneering spirit, set the standard for the introduction of free tea refills in his restaurant.' Tea companies could thank you by - um - naming a tea after you! The - um - 'Howard tea bag' – the original pioneering - um - eight cup tea bag

MANAGER
Really? Name a tea bag after me?

CUSTOMER
Think of it as doing your part to help save the planet. Trust me that your average tea drinker won’t mind sharing a used tea bag. You don’t even hav’ta tell head office about your sacrifice! It’ll be our secret…save the earth and all that

Customer is handed teabag and cup. He dunks tea bag in, and then dumps bag
in manager’s hand. Takes sip from cup

CUSTOMER
(shaking his head)
Some people make their lives so complicated

Customer exits

/

FLOWER POWER
by Eleanor Tylbor

CHARACTERS:
FLOWER LOVER AND ADMIRER
OWNER OF FLOWER GARDEN

SOUND: STREET TRAFFIC


SCENE: Lush garden filled with flowers, in particular large, colorful flowers in along garden path. Woman walks by, stops, smiles and shakes her head in admiration. Owner of the house and garden, is absorbed in tweaking the various species.

FLOWER LOVER
You have a beautiful garden

(Owner of garden appears not to hear her, is absorbed touching flowers)

FLOWER LOVER
Hello there! I want to compliment you on your garden!

GARDEN OWNER
(caught off guard)
Oh....thank you. I try my best

FLOWER LOVER
Whatever you're doing - keep at it! Every time I walk by, I always stop to admire all the flowers. Your roses in the Spring are spectacular! Never saw such color - and so many of them!

GARDEN OWNER
My husband looked after them. Roses were his favorite

FLOWER LOVER
I could tell but all your flowers are perfection! These are new one's (she touches flower)

GARDEN OWNER
I brought them back from Florida. My cousin gave me a piece and I never thought they would last through the winter

FLOWER LOVER
They did - and then some. I forget the name of them...it's on the tip of my tongue...

GARDEN OWNER
She told me the name but I forget....I should have written it down

FLOWER LOVER
(distracted)
...what is the name now...b-b-b-b-b...no - not B. C-c-c-c-c-c-...It'll come to me soon... Anyway. You do the gardening by yourself or get a professional?

GARDEN OWNER
My husband always did it by himself. You know, we won awards for our garden, two years running!

FLOWER LOVER
I'm not surprised. Perfection and not an insect in sight. Give your husband my congratulations

GARDEN OWNER
I can't

FLOWER LOVER
It doesn't have to be now. Whenever

GARDEN OWNER
My husband died last year

FLOWER LOVER
Oh - I see...I'm so sorry. So you do this all by yourself?

GARDEN OWNER
I hired a gardener. It was just too much for me. I try to handle the weeds but the gardener cuts the grass and takes care of the flowers.

FLOWER LOVER
How do you like having a gardener? I had one and he never did what I wanted him to do. Ended up firing him and doing it by myself. Less aggravation

GARDEN OWNER
I have no choice. I just don't have the strength...my husband used to take care of it all but...

FLOWER LOVER
....D-d-d-d-d-d-... It's no use - I can't think of the name of this flower! Whew - really getting hot! Better finish my walk or the heat will finish me off! Listen - If I think of the name, I'll ring your bell and tell you

GARDEN OWNER
That would be nice. Maybe you want a cutting of the flower?

FLOWER LOVER
I can't - live in a condo. My gardening days are over. I do patio pots now

GARDEN OWNER
You can keep it in a pot for next year

FLOWER LOVER
Thank you but I'll pass. Nice meeting you and keep up the good work!

GARDEN OWNER
(turning around to walk along path)
Lots of weeds...how come the weeds grow so much and so fast...

(garden owner slowly walks down path and disappears through door)

FLOWER LOVER
(starts to walk and stops suddenly)
Hisbiscus! That's it - hisbiscus! The answer always comes when you don't need it anymore. I'll just write it on a piece of paper and drop it off the next time I walk by. Some people really have a green thumb - I should have told her that. Why didn't I tell her?

(FLOWER LOVER exits)

THE LINE UP
by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET. A LINE UP OF A DOZEN PEOPLE IN THE 8-ITEMS-OR-LESS ARE WAITING TO PAY FOR THEIR ITEMS. THE PERSON IN FRONT OF THE LINE IS COUNTING HER/HIS ITEMS WITH HIS FINGER



CASHIER
You have more than eight items, lady

WOMAN IN LINE
I know...it's only ten items...what's two items between friends, anyway?

CASHIER
(pointing to the sign indicating 8 items or less)
Ask the people behind you if it matters

(woman turns around and speaks to person directly behind her)

WOMAN IN LINE
Do you mind if I have two extra items? I'm in a rush

PERSON BEHIND WOMAN IN LINE
Actually...yes, I do mind! We're all in a rush. Aren't we, people?

(person behind woman in line turns around to address others in line)

PEOPLE IN LINE:
'I hav'ta get home and make supper for my family!'

'The babysitter is waiting to get paid!'

'You got some nerve, lady!'

CASHIER
See? They mind alright! Now if you'll go to one of the other lines...

WOMAN IN LINE
But... Okay. What if I remove say...one item?

CASHIER
That would make nine items. You'd still have one item too much. Please step aside...

PEOPLE IN LINE
Yeah - move out the line, lady!

WOMAN IN LINE
You are all so selfish. It's only one item for crying out loud!

CASHIER
Rules are rules! What kind of world would we have if we didn't obey rules, huh? Now if you'll move to another line

WOMAN IN LINE
(looking over items in cart)
Oh fer... Okay...let me take another item away...I need them all, though...

CASHIER
Would you like me to do it for you? Look lady - the line is getting longer as we speak...

WOMAN IN LINE
Maybe the ice cream... No - I need it for dessert...perhaps the asparagus spears...no - veggies are important...It's so hard to decide...

PERSON IN LINE
Here - lemme help (removes bottle of soft drink) There - that wasn't so hard!

WOMAN IN LINE
But what are we supposed to drink with our meal?

PERSON IN LINE
Good, old H2O! Look at that! I saved you money, too! You should thank me!

WOMAN IN LINE
I've made my decision! Give me back two items!

CASHIER
Like I told you -

WOMAN IN LINE
- yeah - I know. Eight items or less. Fine. I'm moving over to the other line where I'm legal.
(She move over to next line. Aside to person in front of her:) 'Excuse me madam but I'm running late. Would you mind if I just went in front of you? I'm running a little late.'

So I'm thinking here...given the success or lack thereof, of any of my plays produced so far, some new strategy is required. To date and as I've shared in this blog, I've written two full i.e. two-act, plays, one-1 act play and approximately a dozen short-short plays and skits over the years. Given the reality of today's economy, the future of having them making their debut on stage looks somewhat doubtful, hence the change of direction.


I've decided to write short pieces of dialogue on a daily or at least a regular basis that may or may not end up as a play down the line. They may be snippets of conversations overhead in a mall, or perhaps conversations with friends or personal experiences that would normally fall into the rant'n'rave category in one of my other blogs. Or maybe the embryonic beginning of a play. Just...stuff.


As always comments are welcome be they good or bad and I will respond accordingly but spammers will be deleted. Playwriting is angsting enough without having to deal with spammers. so stay away and you have been warned!


Meanwhile - on with the show!

THE PLAY IS NOT THE THING

It's been a while since I submitted one of my two full length plays...anywhere, actually. One of the reasons is somehow I misplaced/deleted/filed-in-unknown-folder, the list of theatres who were fortunate enough to be the recipient of, but didn't realize it, plays. Being organized is not one of my strong points.

So this is leading me once again as it has on numerous occasions in the past, to search my soul as to whether the plays are stage-worthy. In reading them over to evaluate whether they need a gazillionth re-write, they still entertain me and make me laugh. This, at least to me, is a good sign. The problem is that nobody else seems to feel the same way or at least feel they would be embraced by theatre-goers. It took me years to get the words down on paper and then more years to get the right "feel" and flow - the two big 'F"s - before allowing them to leave home.

It's not that I don't enjoy writing plays or at least 'short-short'-10 minute plays these days, but there comes a point where one has to evaluate whether the effort is worth the search given the end result. Perhaps and although I'm loathe to admit it, they aren't stage-worthy. Even writing this sentence is like an arrow piercing my heart. So where does this leave me? Should I give up the ghost so to speak and leave them in my will as part of my legacy to future generations in the hope that they will see merit it them, and carry on the search? Or, should I continue to check out potential theatres and competitions and submit my plays in the hope that they were never the recipients of my literary gems?

Meanwhile, if a theatre producer reading this is interested in taking a chance on an unknown-but-talented playwright with two very entertaining comedy plays waiting for their chance to be exposed to the world, you know where to reach me. Maybe not depending if I remembered to add my contact information. Go know!

BARBIE AND KEN DO TOY STORY 3

SCENE: BARBIE, FAMOUS FASHIONISTA AND KEN, HER ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN SIGNIFICANT OTHER, LOUNGE BY THE POOL. BARBIE IS READING "PEOPLE" WHILE KEN SHINES HIS SURF BOARD.


BARBIE
I just don't get why they don't do a feature on us. I mean, we're famous celebs. Look at me - I'm beautiful...and I wear designer clothes and I'm famous. Why? Why? What's wrong with us!


KEN
(caressing and cleaning his surfboard)
You are so smooth, my little surfing beauty...up and down, up and down...I love your body...


(KEN lifts his surfboard to an upright position and kisses the surface)


BARBIE
...like...we show up at all the new club openings and they still ignore us... Oh Gawd, Ken! That is like...soooo disgusting - and sick! What is it with you and that piece of wood?



KEN
(suddenly dropping the surfboard)
This is part of who I am, Barb - besides - I carved this with my very own hands


BARBIE
- I told you not to call me Barb -


KEN
- whoever -


BARBIE
- not that either -


KEN
- okay already! Anywaaay - me and Surfy here have been together like...forever! (caresses surface of board) We have so much in common


BARBIE
Surfy? You gave your surfboard a name? Oh that is like...even more sick. Then again, you both have the same sized brain


KEN
Thank you! Hear that, Surfy? Barbie says we both think alike!


(BARBIE returns to reading magazine as KEN shines surfboard again)


BARBIE
You are one weird puppy Ken...


(suddenly, there is the sound of machine gun firing off rounds)


KEN
Surf's up! Me and Surfy will be back soon


(KEN grabs surfboard and starts to leave)


BARBIE
Sit down, Ken. It's only G.I. Joe


(G.I. Joe descends down on to the deck area of the pool, from a hovering helicopter)


G.I. JOE
Barbie babe! Wa'cha doin' here with this sissy boy? Why'd you leave without telling me where you were going? It's gettin' harder and harder to find you!


BARBIE
But...you...always do, don't you Joe?


G.I. JOE
No matter where you go on this planet - I'll always follow your trail


BARBIE
Heaven knows I've tried to lose it


G.I. JOE
Babe - what are 'ya doin' livin' here with...him?


BARBIE
I got tired of living in the jungle, Joe! A fashionista like me needs more in life than mosquito netting


G.I. JOE
But... I shared everything I have with you

BARBIE
Really Joe - it's very unnerving having to use crates filled with hand grenades as a table and I'm tired of losing new friends that end up as a main course for Cuddles, your boa constrictor

G.I. JOE

Look - you gotta admit that he's is the best on guard duty. I'll ditch Cuddles, okay? Let's just leave this outhouse

KEN
Outhouse? You call this an outhouse? I'll have you know that this was given to me a thank you for my role in a movie!

G.I. Joe
Oh yeah? What was the name of this so-called movie? 'Sissy-boy loves surfboard'? Ha-ha-ha...

BARBIE
Um - Joe...I was in the movie, too. I-I moved in with Ken.

G.I.JOE
After all we been to each other, babe, you're bailing on me? I shared everything I have wid you!

BARBIE
Exactly. That's why I'm staying here in La-La-Land where I belong, in this beautiful mansion with the beautiful people. Uh-oh... Look at the time. We have a dinner party with our new friends.

KEN
(caressing his surfboard)
Um - I think I'm gonna pass on that. You know I'm not into that kind of stuff

BARBIE
Oh fer... Fine. Stay here but don't call me if you get splinters, again.

(helicopter descends and G.I. JOE climbs up ladder)

G.I. JOE
You're gonna miss me, babe! You know where to find me

BARBIE
Not if I can help it

(voices call Barbie by name)

BARBIE
Sure you won't change your mind, Ken?

KEN
...so warm and welcoming, my Surfy...

BARBIE

'I'm coming Woody and Buzz!'

BARBIE runs off to meet her new friends

"DEAD WRITES" (Revised)

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE I



SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon

AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.


FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period

Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence

(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin

(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her

Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!


A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?

FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
I bet you are Wigs? Makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?

JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information

FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?

JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job

FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH

‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’

(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’

(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!


SOUND:
THUNDERCLAP

Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice


JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your users and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We are all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

Female wanders in, stopping every so often to check out the surroundings.
She stares at JOSIAH and smiles at FELICIA

FEMALE
Hi! Nice to see another body here and I mean that in the best sense of course.

FELICIA
It’s about time somebody noticed I’m here!

FEMALE
Know where you’re coming from. Just wish I knew how I ended up here

JOSIAH
But…you shouldn’t be here, my dear. I’m guessing that you’re a friend of Michael?

Man (MICHAEL) dressed entirely in blue with glittering pants rushes in and
places his arm around female’s shoulder

MICHAEL
So there you are! You shouldn’t wander off like that. Come along now…

JOSIAH
You must take better care of your charges, Michael! You’ve been warned about losing your souls. You’ve still got two missing souls unaccounted for wandering the earth. This is not good, Michael!


MICHAEL
I’ve got a search party out looking for them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with them? After all – they are…

JOSIAH
…better get along now

FEMALE
Nice meeting you. Why can’t I stay and chat with her….

MICHAEL leads female away

FELICIA
Another member of your group, I suppose? So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

She strains to see in the coffin again without results

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

FELICIA
Is it necessary for you to keep talking in riddles? You keep hinting at…like there's something I should know but don't. I'm getting these flashes…a feeling that our paths have crossed …somewhere. It's like… just out of reach of my consciousness

JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one so to speak

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the few people who showed up to say goodbye. Then again, real friends are hard to come by

JOSIAH
It's actually quite sad. That person believed she –

FELICIA
- so it's a woman -

JOSIAH
As I was saying she assumed she never needed people and in the end, seems that they weren't there for her when she needed them most

Mourner moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin

FELICIA
'Janice? Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but where were you?' Janice is my closest friend at the paper

JANICE

JANICE talks to "person" in the coffin

You miserable, lying bitch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish

FELICIA
‘Is that a way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living.’ No class but that’s part of who she is and I accept her ‘cause we’re best friends

JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat

She's probably pissed 'cause the corpse stole a lead away from her. 'Ya gotta move quickly if 'ya want a byline in our biz. You snooze – you lose. We better take a seat with the rest of them. Looks like everyone from the paper is here so who’s the corpse

FELICIA takes a seat next to JANICE.

ASIDE TO JANICE: You never did have any class, girl.

Turns to the man sitting on the other side of her

Hey Pete-ee! So, how's it goin' with you?

(PETE) ignores FELICIA, talks to the female on his other side

(Cont’d.) Hey - I'm speaking to you. What's with them all, today?

JOSIAH
He can't hear you

FELICIA
Oh please! He hears me all right but he's busy chatting up the new reporter, Chloe Starshine. That guy can't keep his zipper closed around the opposite sex, if you get my drift

JOSIAH
Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here?

FELICIA
To pay my respects to someone in the print 'biz. What else? You know…I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. This is a new one for me and it's about this outfit I'm wearing. I'm assuming I didn't have time to change 'cause I wouldn't be caught dead in this

JOSIAH
(bursts out laughing)
In your state clothes are the last things you should worry about…

FELICIA
I'm happy you find me so amusing. Ssh! I wanna hear the name of the corpse, I mean dearly departed

MINISTER steps behind podium

MINISTER
Friends…


Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any!'

MINISTER
…we are here to bid goodbye to one…

Another voice:

'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'

MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague…

FELICIA
At last I'm gonna find out who this mystery person is. Strikes me she sure wasn't liked, but even dead people deserve respect

FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone

'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Show some remorse!'

MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? A few words would suffice. Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?

FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap? What am I late for? A meeting…an interview… I’m sure I checked my agenda…

MINISTER
No one? Then we'll have a quick service for Ms Pembroke and you can all go back to work

FELICIA
Is this guy for real? Let me make this very clear: 'I'm among you, in the flesh! Look at me! I'm sitting right here.'

JOSIAH
I've been trying to tell you…

FELICIA
I know what's going on here. They've all staged this to teach me a lesson. 'Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!'

FELICIA stands up on chair, waves and screams

FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever

JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin

JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you

FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?

JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!

FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!

JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside

FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back

FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…

Aside to mourners

'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'

JOSIAH
It's you in there for real

FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even

JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing

FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only

FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now

JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…

FELICIA runs her hand over her body

FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing

JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job

FELICIA

She paces back and forth in a panic

This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?

JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat

FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?

JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped

FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere

JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear

FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…

JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke

FELICIA
Just…Josiah?

JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names

FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?

JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality

FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do

JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side

FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor

JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level

Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down

'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie

FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?

JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours

FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember

FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…

JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues

FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything

JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?

FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…

JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference

FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.

JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed

FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation

JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it

FELICIA
But you said…

JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less

FELICIA

Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand

I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave

JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…

JOSIAH
There is one person who remained

FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her

JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?

FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it

JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?

FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!

JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…

FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?

JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke

FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?

JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work

FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz

JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way

FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'

CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting

JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you

FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?

JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…

FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore

JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences

FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…

JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent

FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?

JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires

FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego

JOSIAH
Don't push things

FELICIA
Are we leaving?

JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…

FELICIA
How would I do that, now?

JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …

JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness

Still submitting and waiting for that first acceptance. I mean, I ain't gettin' any younger! Be that as it may...I'm back working on a play I started perhaps ten years ago with many edits and tinkering along the way. The more I read it - the more I realize that I really like it so I'm sharing the first ten or so pages with the world - or whoever happens to drop by. I should be so lucky!

Will provide updates as to its progress along the way. Meanwhile, enjoy. Feedback welcome.

THIS IS A REVISED VERSION UPDATED ON DECEMBER 5, 2009.

Please note that this is not in play format due to cut-and-paste process.


DEAD WRITES
By Eleanor Tylbor



SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon


AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.


FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period

Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence.

(Cont'd. FELICIA) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the coffin

(cont’d FELICIA) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her

Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!


A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA. He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?

FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me? Police?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
You should be Wigs - makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?

JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information

FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?

JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job

FELICIA
Do tell. You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Shit! Do I have to spell it out for you

SOUND: THUNDERCLAP

JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something wrong with the ceiling? Where you reside, I would imagine a lot of things could be considered questionable. What is it with you and the way I speak? It’s none of your damned business –

SOUND:THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SOUND: THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SOUND:
THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH

‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules to her…’

(BACK TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’

(BACK TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
(distracted)
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!
SOUND:THUNDERCLAP

Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice


JOSIAH
(pensive)
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shit! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your use-rs and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We're all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

FELICIA
So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b... - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean…I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

She strains to see in the coffin again

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
(gaining his composure)
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

A REJECTION WITH CLASS

As an aspiring playwright, rejection is an all too familiar part of the submission process. There are periods when it all gets overwhelming and rather than face yet another run of "thanks-but-no-thanks" notifications, I stop sending out my literary jewels for a while. Then along comes a theatre company and more specifically, a literary manager that makes it all worth while.

Recently, I submitted my play, "Gin: An Allegory For Playing the Game of Life" to the 1111 Theatre in the hope that it would find a home at last. Unfortunately, it has returned home to its birth place, unproduced, but the rejection made me smile and mutter, "oh well - onward and upward" instead of "oh crap- again!" What's particularly refreshing is that the Literary Manager, Louise Hamill, comments indicate she read the entire play instead of sending out another "dear playwright" form letters. That in itself makes her a cut above the rest in my eyes and worth sharing with other aspiring playwrights:

"Thank you for submitting your play, GIN: AN ALLEGORY FOR PLAYING THE GAME OF LIFE, for consideration to our theater. I enjoyed reading the work- each character's traits were clear and constant, and I never had a problem keeping the characters straight in my head (not always the case, unfortunately). I was also pleased Becky opened her eyes a bit at the end- I really wasn't sure if you were going to resolve that situation!

We need to pass on the script at this time, unfortunately, as it is not quite right for our company. I do wish you the best of luck in placing it with another theater. Thank you again for your interest!"

Thank YOU for YOUR interest Louise Hamill. You made my day.

Whereas artist, Dutch artist Johan van der Dong set up a local telephone number so that people can communicate with God.

THE GOD CALL
By Eleanor Tylbor

CHARACTERS:
PHIL
G-D

SCENE:

An office or den. A student is sitting at a desk covered with books. A cell phone rings and the student glances at it to see whose calling.

PHIL
Oh G-d…I'm never gonna be ready for my exams.

(phone rings)

G-D
Hello is this Phil? This is G-d returning your phone call.

PHIL
(sarcastically)
Hi…um - God. Talk about an ego! Get a life, pal! Listen – some of us hav'ta study for exams

G-D

Don't hang up! Really. I'm Him. G-d? The Big Guy? The All Powerful and Mighty?

PHIL
Surrrrre. Uh-huh. Brian – you're so lame!

G-D

Truly – I'm not – what's his name? Brian?. My persona has always been a source of speculation and strife - the two big "S's" - among religions. I heard you call my name not five minutes ago.

PHIL
I know it's you, Brian, you jerk! You by yourself at Marios? Manager leave early?

G-D

Listen - I have a lot of return phone calls to make. Gazillions, even...all over the planet, earth. Then I have to look in on the wars and the dying people...

PHIL

You're such a jerk! Okay. If you insist. I'll take one all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. This time make sure it's hot or no tip for you!

G-D

Seriously, I'm not Brian. I'm really - G-d!

PHIL
You always did have a big ego, Brian! Now you're calling yourself G-d? Oh you're gonna get smited!

G-D

Have it your way. One all-dressed pizza and one vegetarian. Why do I bother?"

PHIL

Don't you want my new address? I moved last week!

G-D

Trust me - I know. Now if there's nothing else, I have a lot of phone calls to make.

PHIL

Actually, there is one more very important thing you can do for me.

G-D
Is it a confession you want to make my son? I'm here for you. There's nothing so bad that can't be forgiven.

PHIL
Yeah – sure. Can you send along an order of onion rings?

G.I. JOE , THE 'REAL' ONE DISCUSSES THE MOVIE WITH HIS NAME IN IT


After a stressful period of being relegated to a toy factory along with his love the fashionista of the vinyl set, BARBIE, along with her ex surfer-boyfriend KEN, the real G.I. JOE is quite upset that a movie has been made using his name as a draw. In a hastily called press conference, G.I. JOE with BARBIE by his side in his words, "wanted to clear the air."

"This is really didusting," G.I. Joe blustered, waving his trusty machine gun in the air to emphasize his emotional angst. "They've gone and used my name and they didn't even ask me if they could!"

"Didusting, G.I." the designer-dressed Barbie commented, smoothing her body-fitting dress and smiling for the photographers.

"Wha...?"

"You said, 'didusting'. There's no such word as that," Barbie emphasized, combing her blond, vinyl hair and cleaning her teeth with a bent vinyl finger. "It's disGUSTING."

"Yeah! It is! You're right on, babe! It is disbust...disrust...whatever the hell she said! This G.I. Joe movie thingie isn't even a real soldier, like me. It's a military unit! Nobody bothered to ask me, a gen-u-ine soldier if I wanted to be in it. Oh no. I would'a liked to, 'ya know!"

"Um...GI - remember you lost a foot when we busted out of the warehouse," Barbie interrupted the rant. "

"So? I could have sat at a table or something and held down the fort! Nobody would'a noticed." G.I. explained. "On top of it all, some dudes who call themselves Duke and Ripcord got jobs! But not me, G.I. Joe, the original soldier. It ain't fair!"

"I'll tell you what's not fair," Barbie intervened, "to have to walk on tippy-toes all your life, like me. Isn't that right, Ken?"

"Uh-oh! Listen! Surf's up! Gotta run!" Ken said, grabbing his surfboard and running out of the room.

'Don't let the surf board hit you on the way out, Ken...you sissy-boy!' Of course you're right like always, babe. Having to walk on tippy-toes is much worse than having your leg shot off. Hey - wanna go see the movie with my name in it? I got free tickets."

Placing a crutch under one arm and leaning on Barbie with the other, the pair left the room.

"Do you have to lean on me so much?" Barbie commented. "You're crushing my hair."

http://www.gijoemovie.com/

SAME OLD, SAME OLD

by Eleanor Tylbor

So Eleanor, it's been a while since any new updates have been provided. How are things going with you in the playwriting arena?

Same old, same old. Still pursuing that evasive first play production and sending out queries to various competitions and theatres. Whenever I send out my play followed by that inevitable wait for a response, I've managed to convince myself that a long wait indicates that they/a theatre really like it and want to discuss it's merits among themselves.

"Hey Paul (or Jessica or whoever) - did you read that Tylbor play? Wasn't it hysterical? We gotta find a place for it this season!"

If this were only the case!

Also been re-reading some of my older plays and evaluating the dialogue and plots. Frequently, the concept that perhaps I only have two full plays in me surfaces. It took me almost two years to write them and umpteen years: translation: still updating, years to perfect them to the point they are now. Anyway...

Each day I check into my favorite playwriting site, The Playwright's Forum. The forum, which in my opinion is one of the best playwright-related places on the Web, is moderated by Edward Crosby-Wells and Paddy who keep things running smoothly. The site is a gathering place for both professional and neophyte professionals who offer advice and critiques when asked, in addition to sharing 'calls-for-submission' that come up. It is also the place to share successes and bemoan bad reviews or not-so-successes. On occasion and to encourage playwrights, Edd holds two-page contests for a real prize. It's a very nurturing place to hang out and highly recommended for playwrights of all levels.

When it comes to tweaking - I'm right up there. I can agonize over the meaning of a word for hours. Realistically, it's obvious that the misuse or misplacement of a word ain't gonna make a whole lot of difference or impact on whether a theatre will accept a play or not. Frequently, I get bogged down with stupid details. For example in my short, "Elvis: The Real Story" I spent 45 minutes assessing whether I should rename my female character whose current name is "Tammy." So I'm thinking: maybe Tammy is an outdated name. Perhaps another more current name like Emily, Sharon, Amanda could make a difference. This is usually followed by a period of self-deprecation and a general internal rant of "why-do-I-continue-this-continuous-search-for-recognition" to be followed by a general acknowledgement of my ability and creativity to use the right words in an entertaining way.

I've also decided it's time to add to one of my plays-in-the-making, "Dead Writes", which I started and have added to over the years. In my humble opinion, it's got potential and the makings of a good story. It's a comedy-come-mystery-come-love-story, which is always popular. The more I write about it, the more appeal it has.

Let's see now...I've wasted two hours and the characters of Dead Writes are beckoning. I'm coming Felicia. Just wondering...perhaps Felicia is not an appropriate name.


http://www.stageplays-forum.com/<

BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY:
BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

SCENE: WAITING ROOM OF PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE.

BARBIE, "THE" PLASTIC FASHIONISTA, THUMBS THROUGH THE PAGES OF ELLE MAGAZINE. SHE IS WEARING LARGE SUNGLASSES THAT COVER A LARGE PORTION OF HER FACE AND A LARGE HAT COVERS HER HEAD. SITTING NEXT TO HER IS KEN, HER ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN BOYFRIEND, WHO IS DRESSED AS PER USUAL IN SURFING TRUNKS. A SURFBOARD LEANS AGAINST THE WALL BEHIND HIM.

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Barbie and Ken. The doctor will see you now. By the way – um - Barbie, do you have a last name for my records?

BARBIE
Like…don't you know who I am, nurse? I'm Barbie! I mean, I'm everywhere in better toy retail outlets – and of course Walmart. Everyone knows me! I don't need a last name!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Everybody has a last name. You can't see the doctor until my file is complete

KEN
Tell her, Barbie! You're half a century old for crying out loud

BARBIE
Oh? Since when do you have an opinion, surfer boy? If I'm a half-century – so are you!

KEN
Am not!

BARBIE
Are too!

KEN
Fibber!

BARBIE
Surfer stupid-o!

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
'Scuse me but I still don't have a last name. No last name- no see doctor

KEN
I've kept this secret because I love you, babe but I gotta tell someone. Her real name is Barbara Millicent Robert

BARBIE
(sobbing)
Ken – how could you?

KEN
There's nothing wrong with your name

BARBIE
It's so…plain and normal. I'm Barbie, fashionista! If the Bratz ever find out…

KEN
I hadda share… Wait a minute…I hear something… I smell water…

DR. MAK. M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Oh shoot! Don't tell me the toilet's running over again. I swear, plumbers these days…

KEN
(grabbing surf board and running out of waiting room)
Surf's up!

BARBIE
(composing herself)
…he promised he would keep our secret forever…

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
There…there…Ms Robert…

BARBIE
It's Barbie! Got that?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG'S NURSE
Whatever… Dr. Mak M.E. Young will see you now

(another patient walks in. Looks around the office and stares at Barbie)

PATIENT
Hey! Aren't you… You know… I forget her name…

BARBIE
Yes…go on… You see me everywhere…? I'm into high-fashion…?

PATIENT
Paris Hilton! Like...ohmygawd! I can't believe it's you!

(BARBIE jumps up and hops quickly on tip-toes into the doctor's office)

BARBIE
I need help!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
So what can I do for you today…Miss Martin? Please sit down

BARBIE
Must I? I mean, I'd rather stand up

DR. MAK ME YOUNG
All my patients have to sit across from me because…because… Just because

BARBIE
Easier said than done… Wait a minute… Maybe if I just…

(BARBIE attempts to manoeuvre into a sitting position without success. She ends up laying on her back, across the chair)

BARBIE
I'm 50 years old, doctor! Half a century! My skin is saggy and soggy and I need to re-invent myself. Those Bratz girls are just too popular

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
You know the Bratz too? You should see what I did for them! They look gor-geous!

BARBIE
Whad'ya gonna do for me?

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
(examining her with a magnifying glass)
Well… too much sun-tanning…and too many late nights clubbing… It's wear-and-tear on your face, y'know! I keep telling you celebs to wear sun protection but do you listen?

BARBIE
I'm a fashionista… Like...I hav'ta do those things! Please! You have to help me! I mean, you are a plastic surgeon!

DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG
Let me consult with my golfing buddies… I mean, let me talk about your case with other plastic surgeons. Go home and I'll get back to you

BARBIE
Please doctor – I'm desperate. Don't wait too long

(BARBIE attempts to get up without success. Finally after several ties, she manages to get in a standing position)

I hate it when this happens… If you could just move my arms down… Now push me up on my bum…

(DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG helps her, then opens the door. He extends his hand to say goodbye)

BARBIE
Just lift my arm up a little… Remember – I'm desperate – and I pay cash!

(TO BE CONTINUED… Will BARBIE receive the plastic surgery she believes she needs? Will DR. MAK M.E. YOUNG get a hole in one? These questions will be answered in the next instalment of "BARBIE CELEBRATES HER 50TH BIRTHDAY: BARBIE AND KEN VISIT THE PLASTIC SURGEON")

The Dr. Phil and Sarah Interview: a dialogue

by Eleanor Tylbor

So Sarah Palin returns to "normal" life and starts making the rounds of the talk shows.


DR. PHIL walks on to the TV set and greets the audience

DR. PHIL
Hi there, folks! This is a great and news-making and earth-shattering and super-duper-pooper day because - right here in front of your very eyes and on TV's around the world, our guest today is Sarah Palin!

(audience cheers)

It's true - I swear it! Would, I, Dr. Phil lie to you all? Look - my fingers aren't crossed! Just a joke... Sarah's gonna be here and we're gonna talk about...stuff. You know, Alaska...Russia...the prank phone call... What's it like to lose... Meanwhile, put your hands together and welcome... SARAH PALIN!

(audience cheers)

(SARAH PALIN walks on to the stage, waving and throwing kisses to everyone. She stops half-way and throws more kisses, smiles)

DR. PHIL
Hey Sarah...sweetie! C'mon over here, darlin'!

(she ignores him and continues to wave to audience, who is now on their feet and applauding wildly)

DR. PHIL
Um...Sarah? This is my show? Hello?

(ROBIN, Dr. Phil's wife walks on stage and pushes her from behind until she is directly in front of DR. PHIL)

DR. PHIL
Now ain't that nice? Robin really loves this woman, y'know! Right Robin? 'Course she does!Now sit down, Sarah, honey!

(SARAH is still waving and throwing kisses)

DR. PHIL
(placing a hand on either shoulder)
I said...sit down! Okay. That's better. I'm the only one who stands up on this show. So Sarah - how does it feel to be a loser?

SARAH P.
Loser? You're a loser, Dr. Phil! The whole media are losers! Everyone in the whole world are losers.

(the audience responds by applauding loudly and cheering)

SARAH P.
See? They agree! Yeah! I'm a loser, alright! You better believe it!

DR. PHIL
Now...Sarah. When did you first experience these feelings of persecution?

SARAH P.
The minute I bought these new glasses. I mean, I needed a new prescription so I went out and bought new frames! Is there anything wrong with that? Suddenly, everyone is wearing the exact same frames! They could have bought other models but nooooo - they bought the exact same one's as me! Why did they do that, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL
(finger on chin, pensive)
Cheez - I dunno, Sarah... Maybe they were on sale or something? Never mind that. So...how y'doin'?

SARAH P.
Well...alright I guess. I mean, Alaska ain't New York or Washington or Boston or...

DR. PHIL
Aha! See folks? Sarah here's isn't geographically-challenged like the press says she is!

SARAH P.

....or Montreal...or L.A....

DR. PHIL
We get the point, babe. So? Whad'ya been up to? Been hunting lately?

SARAH P.
Well Phil - you don't mind if I call you Phil - after all...we're friends now. What was the question? Something about Neiman-Marcus?

DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...! You're so funny. Not as funny as Tina Fey but funny. I was askin' you 'bout whether or not you been huntin', lately

SARAH P.
Hunting? Who told you I hunt? I don't hunt! I buy all my meat at the supermarket, silly!

DR. PHIL
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha....! 'Course you do and I'm Arnold Schwarzneggar!

SARAH P.
Who?

DR. PHIL
Arnold? Governor of California?

SARAH P.
California? Oh yeahhhhh! I can see California from my door! Yeah...

DR. PHIL
So what are your plans, now? Just to go back to your boring job of governing Alaska?

SARAH P.
Yeah... I mean, being a governor is challenging work! Very challenging! Like every morning I go into my office... Uh-oh...I forgot where my office is, again. We move a lot, y'know. They keep opening new Walmart stores

DR. PHIL
'Course it is! We know that! So...like...let's say...if a person - not me of course - wanted to hunt possum in Alaska, could they?

SARAH P.
'Course they could! We got lots of possum waiting for the stew pot in Alaska! Why, we got them running everywhere

(silence for 5 seconds)

DR. PHIL
You don't know what possum is, do you, Sarah?

SARAH P.
Not really...

DR. PHIL
Well - there you have it, folks! A regular sit-down-and-get't'know-'ya with the loser... I mean to say, Governor Sarah Palin! Thanks for dropping by, Sarah! See? We ain't so bad after all!

SARAH P.
Just wanna say before I leave that I'll be having my own talk show this fall right after you, Dr. Phil! Isn't that wonderful? You and me on the same network? It's so exciting!

DR. PHIL
Thanks for dropping by, Sarah.

SARAH P.
And I just wanna invite you and Robin to come shoot possum in Alaska anytime you want. Bye everyone!

DR. PHIL
(whipping out cell phone)
Possum in Alaska, huh...get me Wolf Blitzer at CNN...

SO YET ANOTHER THEATRE IS SORRY

BY ELEANOR TYLBOR

Why do I do this to myself? I mean, really, I could have just left things as they are and not been the wiser but nooooooooo... I had to know.

So I entered one of my earlier short plays written a long time ago, to a competition. Why this particular play? To the best of my recollection, it had never been submitted anywhere and I wanted to see if it had legs. Or whatever.

Some things are better left alone and unknown.

After reading the play to myself to see how it "felt", it struck me as relatively well-written and entertaining. The characters were well-defined and the play itself relatively entertaining (note the use of the word 'relatively') so I threw caution to the wind and everything else, and decided to introduce the play to the world. I blame the entire undertaking on that infernal "send" button that always seems to beckon me.

"Aw c'mon," it seems to taunt as I stare with finger poised in the air. "Whad'ya gotta lose?"

So I sent it. By e-mail. They said I could!

Deep down in my soul there was this sinking feeling that I have got to know so well, telling me not to get my hopes up. Call it the "should'a known better" syndrome but my insecurity mixed with my enternal cockeyed optimism compelled me to send a follow-up to assess the odds of gaining an acceptance.

Why can't I leave things well enough alone? I could have lived in delusion-land assuming that a non-contact could indicate that it was under consideration.

"Dear Eleanor" it always starts out happily enough.

"Just to say I am sorry to say your script was not chosen for blah-blah. Thank you for sending your script."

Once again I've really decided to turn over a new leaf. Starting now, this very minute, I will wait for the inevitable response from a theatre, which was fortunate enough to receive one of my plays, but for whatever reason doesn't advise me of its fate. It's much more enjoyable imagining their happy and positive reaction after reading it - I mean really reading it through to the end and not just sending out a form letter - instead of being the recipient of a "dear playwright" letter.

I really mean it this time!