Scenes from Life: a Short Playette. AT THE SUPERMARKET

NOT ALL BREAD IS EQUAL

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET.

A shopper approaches a display of French bread (baguette), squeezes them and shakes her head


CUSTOMER
Not fresh

Bakery clerk with French accent dressed in white shirt, pants, big white apron approaches. Stops and studies customer, hands on hips

BAKERY CLERK
Is there something wrong?

CUSTOMER
There could be

BAKERY CLERK
I see you squeezing my bread. Do you do this to your husband?

CUSTOMER
Come again?

BAKERY CLERK
I say...do you touch your husband in the same manner as you squeeze all my baguettes?

CUSTOMER
Your what?

BAKERY CLERK
My baguettes...the bread, madam. If the legal authorities were looking for you, they would have no trouble in finding your fingerprints. They are right there in all my breads

CUSTOMER
Your breads?

BAKERY CLERK
I bake the breads, madam. I am the one responsible for their safety

CUSTOMER
Of course you are and I'm the one responsible for eating them. So...like...when did you bake these?

BAKERY CLERK
See those ovens over there? That's where it all begins. Every morning they bring me the frozen bread and I very carefully place them in the oven. Not too high a heat, mind you, or they burn.

CUSTOMER
Gee - ovens make bread. Go figure

BAKERY CLERK
Yes, this is true. This oven there (pats oven), she make beautiful baguette. Sometimes, she baaaad and burn bread.

CUSTOMER
This baking French bread 101 is all very interesting but you still haven't answered my question. When did you bake this bread?

BAKERY CLERK
(shocked tone)
You are accusing me of selling stale bread, madam?

CUSTOMER
It feels sort-of stale to me

BAKERY CLERK
Madam. You have hurt me deeply. Every day, including holidays, I bake the baguette. People expect fresh bread. I take this responsibility very seriously.

CUSTOMER
You still didn't give me an answer

BAKERY CLERK
(voice breaking - picks up cloth from baking pan and blows nose)
...every day, mind you, including weekends...holidays... I am a trained French baguette maker...I take special course at the National Baguette Baking School of Paris and Cannes sur la Seine

CUSTOMER
Really. I'm not casting aspersions on your character or your baking ability. I'm sure you're a top baguette baker...

BAKERY CLERK
...I arrive number one in my class

CUSTOMER
Good. Let me put it this way: from which basket do you recommend that I take my bread? Basket one...basket two...or basket three? Gawd - I feel like I'm on a game show

BAKERY CLERK
(looking around)
Come close. The one on the far right - keep it between you and me

Customer reaches over, takes a bread with her hand and drops it

CUSTOMER
Why didn't you warn me the bread was hot?

BAKERY CLERK
You didn't ask me that question. Am I a mind reader? I'm a simple baguette baker from Paris...