Scenes from Life: a Short Playette. AT THE SUPERMARKET

NOT ALL BREAD IS EQUAL

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET.

A shopper approaches a display of French bread (baguette), squeezes them and shakes her head


CUSTOMER
Not fresh

Bakery clerk with French accent dressed in white shirt, pants, big white apron approaches. Stops and studies customer, hands on hips

BAKERY CLERK
Is there something wrong?

CUSTOMER
There could be

BAKERY CLERK
I see you squeezing my bread. Do you do this to your husband?

CUSTOMER
Come again?

BAKERY CLERK
I say...do you touch your husband in the same manner as you squeeze all my baguettes?

CUSTOMER
Your what?

BAKERY CLERK
My baguettes...the bread, madam. If the legal authorities were looking for you, they would have no trouble in finding your fingerprints. They are right there in all my breads

CUSTOMER
Your breads?

BAKERY CLERK
I bake the breads, madam. I am the one responsible for their safety

CUSTOMER
Of course you are and I'm the one responsible for eating them. So...like...when did you bake these?

BAKERY CLERK
See those ovens over there? That's where it all begins. Every morning they bring me the frozen bread and I very carefully place them in the oven. Not too high a heat, mind you, or they burn.

CUSTOMER
Gee - ovens make bread. Go figure

BAKERY CLERK
Yes, this is true. This oven there (pats oven), she make beautiful baguette. Sometimes, she baaaad and burn bread.

CUSTOMER
This baking French bread 101 is all very interesting but you still haven't answered my question. When did you bake this bread?

BAKERY CLERK
(shocked tone)
You are accusing me of selling stale bread, madam?

CUSTOMER
It feels sort-of stale to me

BAKERY CLERK
Madam. You have hurt me deeply. Every day, including holidays, I bake the baguette. People expect fresh bread. I take this responsibility very seriously.

CUSTOMER
You still didn't give me an answer

BAKERY CLERK
(voice breaking - picks up cloth from baking pan and blows nose)
...every day, mind you, including weekends...holidays... I am a trained French baguette maker...I take special course at the National Baguette Baking School of Paris and Cannes sur la Seine

CUSTOMER
Really. I'm not casting aspersions on your character or your baking ability. I'm sure you're a top baguette baker...

BAKERY CLERK
...I arrive number one in my class

CUSTOMER
Good. Let me put it this way: from which basket do you recommend that I take my bread? Basket one...basket two...or basket three? Gawd - I feel like I'm on a game show

BAKERY CLERK
(looking around)
Come close. The one on the far right - keep it between you and me

Customer reaches over, takes a bread with her hand and drops it

CUSTOMER
Why didn't you warn me the bread was hot?

BAKERY CLERK
You didn't ask me that question. Am I a mind reader? I'm a simple baguette baker from Paris...

Bought two skeins/balls of multi-colored wool and knitting needles in anticipation of making...something. Realized that the best I could hope for was one of my famous scarves and it dawned on me that I needed a lot more wool. Ran to Walmart at point of purchase to replenish and this was the end result. Yet another event taken from my life.


SCANNED!

SCENE: THE HANDICRAFT SECTION OF A WALMART STORE. A WOMAN CUSTOMER IS SCANNING THE ASSORTMENT OF WOOL ON THE SHELVES WHILE A SALES CLERK IS BUSY TALKING TO A YOUNG MALE CLERK, TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO

FEMALE SALES CLERK
So you check your merchandise against the typed sheet and...

CUSTOMER
'Scuse me?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
...keep checking the sheet, Deepak. Uh-huh?

CUSTOMER
(showing clerk a paper wrapper taken from a skein of wool)
Um - I'm looking for this brand and lot dye number but I don't seem to be able to see it anywhere...

FEMALE SALES CLERK
(taking paper and examining it)
Let's see now...where would this be...

(the customer and sales clerk walk up and down the aisle, searching for the wool brand)

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Aside to young male assistant:'Deepak - go find me a scanner...somewhere!'

To customer: I left my scanner here and somebody took it. Can't leave anything these days

CUSTOMER
You mean a customer took it?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Could be although more likely it's another clerk from another dept.

CUSTOMER
Oh... So do you see my brand of wool, anywhere? I don't

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Me neither. Wait a minute - let's go look in the clearance section... Just as I thought - your wool was on clearance

(clerk holds up paper from wool and shows customer similar wool)

FEMALE SALES CLERK
See? Same brand but new wrapping and not your shade. They must have dropped your shade

CUSTOMER
You mean...my wool has been discontinued? But...I just bought it a few days ago!

FEMALE SALES CLERK
That could be but if it's on clearance - it's not here anymore

CUSTOMER
Will you be getting anymore in?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I doubt it.It's finished!

CUSTOMER
What am I supposed to do now? How can I finish my scarf I'm making?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
What can I tell you! If I had that darn scanner, I could check the other stores to see if they have any in stock

CUSTOMER
Well can't you get another scanner?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I don't know...where's that Deepak...

CUSTOMER
Perhaps if you'd go find one...?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
If only I had that scanner...but I don't. Why don't you go to one of the front cashes. They can scan your label and check to see if you can find it at another Walmart

CUSTOMER
Are you sure you absolutely sure you don't have the wool, somewhere?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
I'm sure...of course the scanner would help but...

CUSTOMER
...I know. You don't have a scanner.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
My assistant, Deepak, will be back in a minute and then I can go look for a scanner...

CUSTOMER
I really can't wait any longer

FEMALE SALES CLERK
There he is now, 'Deepak - we need a scanner!'

CUSTOMER
Yes Deepak. You do

FEMALE SALES CLERK
We can't work without a scanner! You go find one! I swear, these days you can't trust anyone.

CUSTOMER
What about my wool?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Like I said, go to the front cash and ask them to...

CUSTOMER
...scan. BTW - is this yours?

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Ohmygawd - that's our scanner!

CUSTOMER
It was lying here in the wool on clearance. Have a good day

FEMALE SALES CLERK
You too! Go figure...here all along... 'Deepak! I found it!'