BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE: at the Olympics

The continuing story about life among the plastic people

SCENE: BARBIE and her entourage, KEN and GI JOE, arrive at the Olympics. Ken is in charge of carrying suitcases

BARBIE
Like...bring me my cosmetic case, Ken. I have to beautify myself for the press. Stop dragging your feet!

KEN
(crawling on his knees)
I can't help it, beach babe. Your luggage is weighing me down

BARBIE
Oh plleeze! You're always making excuses to get out of work and stop calling me beach babe!

GI JOE
Yeah sissy boy! Real men don't talk like that. A hundred push-ups will take care of your shoulder problem, soldier. Down on your knees and start pumping

KEN
Did you have something special in mind for you and me?

BARBIE
Did I tell you to leave your stupid surf board back in Malibu, Ken?

KEN
No can do. Me and my board here are close buds. Where I go - he goes. Right, Shane?

(KEN caresses his surf board)

(Cont'd. Ken)
...mmmmmm.....

BARBIE
You gave your board a name? Like...that is so...like...really sick and lame

GI JOE
We should'a lost him at the airport, babe. What good is he if he can't even carry suitcases?

BARBIE
The world knows us as Barbie and Ken. We're always gonna be together even when we break up. Barbie and Ken...Barbie and Ken... 'Oh look - Barbie and Ken have a new fashion line.' I'm sick of it! I mean, of course, it's sickening how close we are

KEN
...I love you, Shane...

GI JOE
All you gottta do is give the word and Ken and his wooden friend will surf the waves forever, if you get my drift.

KEN
Somebody say surf's up?

(cups his hand behind his ear)

BARBIE
What are you doing, Ken?

KEN
Surf's up! I can smell it! Time to hang ten off the top!

BARBIE
Like...put your clothes back on. There are no waves here

KEN
Must be the smell of the salt water taffy that's confusing me

BARBIE
Or all that water that's gone to your brain. Oh no! What are they doing here?

(The BRATZ approach)

BARBIE
What are YOU pathetic pieces of plastic doing here?

YASMINE
We were invited.

JADE
Yeah...we have an official invitation.

(extends invitation to show BARBIE)

(cont'd) Where's yours, Barbie

BARBIE
Like...um...well... Oh look, Ken! Our taxi has arrived

KEN
(waxing his surfboard)
Just a sec - I gotta shine my board. Never know when I'm gonna need it...gotta be surfing-ready

JADE
You bought...him, along?

BARBIE
You know he's my one and only! Like...we're together forever!

GI JOE
Hey! What about me?

BARBIE
GI Joe here guards by body. It's insured for five million dollars, y'know

GI JOE
That's not all I do for her, right babe?

(unknown to BARBIE, reporters are standing behind the group, taking notes. They all get on their cell phones upon hearing GI JOE's statement)

REPORTER
I just got a big scoop right here at the Olympics games. Not new medals. GI Joe and Barbie are testing mattresses again.

Barbie goes Christmas shopping at the mall

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
A continuing saga of life among the plastic people

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AT THE MALL

SCENE: BARBIE'S MANSION. BARBIE is absorbed in writing her Christmas/holiday gift list. The ever-present, GI Joe hovers nearby, hiding behind furniture

BARBIE
(her body in a semi up-right position, accross a chair)
So hard to write up my Christmas gift list like this. If only I was more flexible...

G.I. JOE
(darting out from behind the couch)
You're flexible where it counts, babe

BARBIE
Will you stop hiding behind furniture, Joe, and put down your stupid weapon. Bend me at the waist, please?

(Joe bends BARBIE at the waist)

(BARBIE cont'd) Now, just move my arm up a little and bend my wrist slightly...

(G.I. Joe attempts to move BARBIE's arm and it comes out of its socket)

G.I. JOE
Whoops...don't know my own strength

BARBIE
You've done it again! Now push it back in the arm pit hole...gently now... Joe - the arm is upside down now...

G.I. JOE
Holes are my specialty, y'know!

BARBIE
Don't I know it. I don't need air conditioning with all those openings you've created in my walls. You're totally uncontrollable

G.I. JOE
Thanks. I know. It ain't easy but I manage

BARBIE
So many people to buy for - so little time. Now we have to go to the mall, Joe. Like...try and act normal, 'kay? I don't want a repeat of last year's shopping disaster. Like...frisking all the sales clerks in the lingerie stores?

G.I. JOE
Can't take any chances, babe. The enemy is everywhere besides I bought some of them panty hose, didn't I? Y'know - they're real comfy-like. A little tight around the...

BARBIE
We're meeting up with the Bratz girls so I want you to be on your best behavior. Help me me stand up. It's not easy being a world-wide fashion icon with an unbendable body

G.I. JOE
Your body looks just fine to me, babe. Here - gimme your hand...

(G.I. Joe pulls BARBIE's hand and she goes flying accross the room. Her head pops out along the way)

BARBIE
Now you've really done it!

G.I. JOE
Thanks. It was nothing

BARBIE
Truly! Now gently pick up my head and place it on top of my neck. Don't push down so hard. Ohmygawd! You've messed up my beautiful, blond hair. Bend my arm so I can fix it. Is there no end to the chaos you create?

G.I. JOE
When it comes to chaos - I'm the best at that. By the way - what does chaos mean?

BARBIE
Look at the time! Go bring the jeep around

(the door bell rings)

(BARBIE cont'd.) Like...who could that be? I'm not expecting anyone. We're never going to get to the mall

G.I. JOE
(grabbing his machine gun and hiding behind the couch)
Don't worry, babe. I got'chu covered

BARBIE
Your paranoia is too much

G.I. JOE
Thanks - it ain't easy but I manage. Got it all here (he points to his head)

BARBIE
Like...really devoid of thought

(BARBIE hops to answer the door)

G.I. JOE
Thanks again

BARBIE
Ken! What are you doing here?

KEN
(holding a surf board)
Hi Barbie! It's me, Ken!

BARBIE
Like...I know who you are, Ken. What are you doing here and are you ever planning to get dressed?

KEN
Hav'ta be prepared for the big waves. I'm here to spend the holidays with you

BARBIE
Just what I need

KEN
I know. We're meant to be together

(G.I. JOE jumps out from behind the couch)

G.I. JOE
Hands up! I heard the enemy might be planning something big. Gotta frisk you, stranger...

BARBIE
Joe - it's Ken. You know Ken!

G.I. JOE
Maybe it is and maybe it ain't

KEN
Let him frisk me. I've got nothing to hide.

BARBIE
Ain't that the truth!

KEN
Did I hear you say you're going to the mall? I love the mall. Santa is at the mall. Last year I asked him for a new surf board. It's going to be such fun. The three of us, together again! Just like the old days!

BARBIE
This is going to be one fun Christmas... Um - Ken...you hav'ta leave your surf board here. It won't fit into the jeep

KEN
But...me and Charlene here - we're a pair. Where I go - she goes

BARBIE
Charlene? You...named...your surf board?

KEN
(caressing the surface of the board)
We do everything together. She even sleeps with me. "I love you, Charlene"

BARBIE
Y'know Joe - you're looking better and better.. You can come Ken but Charlene... I mean, the surf board, stays here

KEN
"I'll be back, Charlene." She's so sensitive. I hav'ta be careful how I talk to her

BARBIE
(shaking her head)
Uh-huh ...sure you do. Now I remember why we broke up


THE THREE LEAVE FOR A TRIP TO THE MALL, G.I. JOE WALKING BACKWARDS, DARTING FROM SIDE-TO-SIDE. KEN WAVING GOOD BYE TO HIS SURF BOARD. BARBIE, WEARING SUN GLASSES, WALKS IN FRONT, HER HEAD DOWN