SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE FRIES
SCENE: A SUPERMARKET. Customer approaches the supermarket clerk, who is placing items on a shelf.
CUSTOMER
Hello? I have a problem
CLERK
Is it something on one of these shelves?
CUSTOMER
Um - no. Not really...
CLERK
Then it's not my responsibility
CUSTOMER
(looks around, leaves and then returns to speak to same clerk)
I don't seem to be able to find any other clerks. Perhaps you could help...
CLERK
What food item is it?
CUSTOMER
French fries
CLERK
Really can't help you if they're frozen
CUSTOMER
Duh! Do they come any other way? What I want to know...
CLERK
(focusing on stacking cans on shelves)
Sorry. You'll hav'ta speak to someone who works in that section
CUSTOMER
Look - if I could find someone who works for this store in the frozen food section, I would have gone to her or him, but unfortunately there's nobody to be found or seen
CLERK
That's 'cause they're all on their break
CUSTOMER
(looking at watch)
It's 1 p.m. They just came back from lunch for heaven's sake!
CLERK
Yeah but the union rules are afternoon breaks start at 1 p.m.
CUSTOMER
One shudders to think about the actual working hours here. At least listen to my problem ...
CLERK
Can't
CUSTOMER
Why not?
CLERK
I'm a stacker
CUSTOMER
Slacker would be a better description
CLERK
Huh - what? Us stackers have our own areas to cover. We just can't go over to another section and hone in on somebody else's territory
CUSTOMER
Of course. I'm so un-supermarket savvy. Okay. What time are their breaks over, she asked, wondering what the world is coming to these days
(clerk checks watch)
CLERK
They'll be back any minute now. Perhaps if you hang out at the frozen fries section...
CUSTOMER
Silly me! Of course I should, as you so quaintly phrase it, hang out in the frozen section. I just love freezing my...
CLERK
Gotta leave. Break time
(Clerk takes off. Customer goes to refrigerated section)
CUSTOMER
Excuse me - I wonder if you could assist me
CLERK 2
What's the item?
CUSTOMER
It concerns fries
CLERK 2
Fresh or frozen?
CUSTOMER
Does it make a difference and since when do you sell fresh fries?
CLERK 2
Can't really say since I'm an egg man myself...
CUSTOMER
...I know - and you can't discuss fries. So tell me - who can?
CLERK 2
Frozen products clerk over there
CUSTOMER
Where? You mean this person really exists in reality?
(Customer moves over to frozen foods)
CUSTOMER
I have a problem with frozen fries
CLERK 3
Returns are at the front counter
CUSTOMER
I only wish I had frozen fries to return. If you check your gigantic freezer, there are no 'Yummy Fries' to be found
CLERK 3
That's 'cause we have a big special on them
CUSTOMER
They just went on sale yesterday for heaven's sake! How could you sell them out, already?
CLERK 3
People buy them to stock up
CUSTOMER
That shouldn't be allowed, y'know. What about the rest of us who want a package or two? What about OUR needs?
CLERK 3
Get a rain check at the front
CUSTOMER
A rain check won't do it. I need them for a barbeque tonight
CLERK 3
There are other brands you can buy
CUSTOMER
They're more expensive. Perhaps go check in the back? Things always seem to magically appear from the back storage room...
CLERK 3
My mom makes really yummy fries from scratch. You could try that too
CUSTOMER
Well goody for your mom. About those sale fries, now? What are you gonna do about them?
CLERK 3
Rain check is all we can offer
(Clerk 3 listens to message over loud speaker)
Gotta go. They want me in produce
CUSTOMER
Before you disappear and being that we're sort-of friends and I'm a long-time shopper here, how about giving me the fries that aren't on sale, at the sale price. We can keep it between us - nobody has to know. I won't tell if you won't
CLERK 3
You'll have to talk to the person in charge of the frozen food. I'm not allowed to make big decisions like that
CUSTOMER
Why am I not surprised. Now this frozen head person, where would one find him or her?
CLERK 3
You can't
CUSTOMER
And why not, she asked stupidly
CLERK 3
He's on vacation. Won't be back 'til next week
CUSTOMER
Know what? Forget about it! I'll take a bag of the fries that aren't on sale
(CUSTOMER walks to front counter)
COUNTER CLERK
Can I help you?
CUSTOMER
Probably not. I'd like a rain check?
COUNTER CLERK
No can do
CUSTOMER
And this would be because...?
COUNTER CLERK
We ran out of rain checks. We ordered a new stack but they won't be in 'til tomorrow
CUSTOMER
You can't have run out of rainchecks! It's not legal
COUNTER CLERK
There's a big special on frozen fries. People want rain checks so they can stock up
CUSTOMER
This is outrageous! I'm reporting this to...to...head office!
COUNTER CLERK
They already know. They're the one's who supply us with rain checks
CUSTOMER
It's all very simple. I require those sale fries for a barbeque I'm having tonight. What are you gonna do to help?
COUNTER CLERK
You can have that bag of Mrs. Frys Fries at the same price as the sale fries
CUSTOMER
Why don't you specify that with a sign in the empty space that once held the frozen sale fries? You would make my shopping so much easier, not to mention keep my blood pressure down
COUNTER CLERK
Nobody asked me before.
CUSTOMER
I'd like three bags
COUNTER CLERK
Not possible. Only two per customer. We don't wanna run short and then have to offer a rain check and...
CUSTOMER
...I know. You don't have any more rain check pads. Shopping has become much too complicated these days... Tell me - is there really a supervisor of the frozen fries section?
COUNTER CLERK
Neh! We just tell people that
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