"Retribution" , one act play

This is my one and only one-act play. Submitted it to a few places to no avail but I think it's one of my best. Then again, I feel that way about most of my plays. My apologies about the spacing and non-play formatting.

It's a story focusing on patience.
“Revenge is an act of passion; vengeance of justice. Injuries are revenged; crimes are avenged.”      
(Samuel Johnson)

Sharing first two scenes. Comments always welcome and wanted. Listing the characters that are in these scenes.

 

                     RETRIBUTION

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

Sue Ellen Parker, 34,    Manicurist

Lily, 37,               Owner of hair styling salon

Mrs. Clemens, 60’s       Salon client

 

 

THE TIME

 

The present

 

THE PLACE

 

Western U.S.A. during a mid-summer heat wave

 

SETTING: Interior of Lily's Hair’n’Things Styling Salon.

 

A manicurist's table in centre stage, accented with a small lamp. The table surface is covered with a white towel and a tray filled with colored nail varnish bottles. An empty barber chair is located directly opposite the manicure table. An old freezer sits on a dolly, at a door entrance/exit.

The interior layout of the salon is circa 1950's/1960's. There are two work stations against a wall on which hang two large mirrors. On another wall are two well-worn chairs with two chrome-colored, dome hair dryers attached. It is a salon that exhibits neglect and long past its prime.

An elderly woman sits under one of the dryers.

 

Manicurist/stylist, SUE ELLEN PARKER, wearing a light blue uniform is seated on a stool behind the manicure table. Her shoulder-length blond hair is tied back with a ribbon and she wears a uniform consisting of pants and a zippered top

 

The salon owner, LILY, dressed in a black micro-mini skirt and tight sleeveless blouse, enters, fanning herself with a magazine as she approaches Sue Ellen, who is examining bottles of nail varnish

 

RETRIBUTION

 

SCENE I

 LILY

(glancing at wrist watch)

It's gone five already and I'm willing to call it a day. This heat sucks the life out'ta me

 

SUE ELLEN

I still have to comb Mrs. Clemen’s hair and she'll want her nails done, like always. You'd think she had something special going on than a night in front of the TV

 

LILY

Kind’a reminds me of someone I know ‘cept she’s got a half-century on you 

 

SUE ELLEN

Don't start in on me again!

 

LILY

The lady’s old but what's your excuse?

 

MRS. CLEMENS, lady under the dryer, signals for someone to come over

 

     SUE ELLEN

(signaling to MRS. CLEMENS)

ASIDE TO MRS. CLEMENS: ‘Too hot, Mrs. Clemens? I’ll-make-it-cooler, o-kay?’

 

(cont’d.) Don’t know how anyone can stand being under there, anyway, in this heat. Course if we had air conditioning…

 

LILY

With the amount of customers we get, you're lucky I don't close up shop all together

 

SUE ELLEN

Maybe they'd come if you'd invest in central air

 

LILY

We’re back to that again?

SUE ELLEN

When you gonna move into this century, girl? Your hairdryers are older than electricity

 

LILY

Better think seriously ‘bout selling this place, before wasting money on extras like air. What’s with you, today?

 

SUE ELLEN

It’s the heat, is all. Forget I said anything

 

LILY

Sure it’s just the heat? Nothing you wanna talk about, maybe?

 

SUE ELLEN

Usual crap. Life in general and everything that goes with it. Nothing new

 

LILY

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You need’a get out more. All work and no sex makes a person edgy. We’ll close up after you finish with your friend, there

 

SUE ELLEN

Aside to Mrs. Clemens: 'Coming Mrs. Clemens!'

 

(cont'd. SUE ELLEN) The sign in the front says we're open to six and we gotta respect that. Shoot! It’s so friggin’ hot!

 

LILY

Do yourself a favor. Go home and take a shower, preferably with someone else

 

SUE ELLEN

Talk about a one-track mind! I’ll rest after finishing Mrs. Clemens. Shouldn’t take long combing the dozen hairs on her head

 

LILY

No reason to stay open so lemme know when you’re done and I’ll come lock up

 

SUE ELLEN

How 'bout if I close for you, tonight? Nothing for me to do at home and I'd just as soon hang around here for a last minute client

 

LILY

Don't much like the idea of leaving you alone on a Friday night, 'specially with all them refinery workers hittin' the bars

 

SUE ELLEN

They don't bother me, none. It's the guys sitting across the table from me acting all genteel and polite-like, trying to cop a feel under the manicure table that bug me. I'm more than able to take care of myself and I don't mind hanging around.

 

LILY

Lemme think on it while I cool off outside

 

               LILY EXITS




 

SCENE II

 

           AT RISE: SUE ELLEN removes hair dryer and helps MRS.CLEMENS up
                             and into the styling chair

  

SUE ELLEN

You’re dry

 

MRS. CLEMENS

(feeling her scalp)

On fire, more likely

 

SUE ELLEN

The usual?

MRS. CLEMENS

How ‘bout an upsweep for a change. I’m tired of the same old, same old

 

SUE ELLEN

You know what they say – if it ain’t broke – don’t fix it

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Don’t get me wrong dear – I love the way you do my hair but a person needs to restart the engine now and then, if you get my drift. My friend Rosie? She went out and dyed her hair fire-engine red and it makes her look ten years younger. Okay, maybe five but at our age we need all the help we can get and you know what else?

 

SUE ELLEN

Turn your head to the right a bit. So what else did Rosie do?

 

MRS. CLEMENS

This is embarrassing to even say but…she found herself an m-a-n at a church social, of all places. A good looking young stud she tells me. Course her idea of young might be different from ours. How ‘bout adding a couple of blond streaks here on the side…

 

SUE ELLEN

How young?

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Doubt whether she even bothered to ask. She tells me that Hal - that’s what he goes by – is the 'be-all-and-end-all'.

 

SUE ELLEN

Does Hal have a second name? She could have him checked out

 

MRS. CLEMENS

You kidding? She don’t wanna know the truth!

 

SUE ELLEN

You think he’s lying?

MRS. CLEMENS

Could be one of them there con men tryin’ to bilk a stupid old woman out’ta money. Why else would a decent looking guy pay attention to an eighty year old woman with a face that looks like a dried up prune?

 

SUE ELLEN

(laughing)

Don’t hold back now. Tell me your real feelings

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Anyway, if he’s after money, he’s got a big surprise coming. She lives on the money her late husband left her and a small pension. Like they say, there’s no fool like an old fool. Ouch! Careful dear. You’re gonna pull out the last few hairs I have

SUE

Sorry. I hate it when a guy tries to take advantage of a woman. Nothing gets me madder. What’s even worse is when they get away with it!

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Rosie uses a walker to get around and now she’s gone bought herself a whole new wardrobe AND a mini skirt. She should be covering up instead of showing off them blue veins of hers!

 

SUE ELLEN

Some women will believe anything. I’m getting the feeling you don’t like the idea of her dating, period

 

MRS. CLEMENS

It’s not like I’m not happy for her or anything but she’s like a teenager in heat, struttin’ around wearing blue eye shadow and red lipstick. Not decent, a woman of her years

 

SUE ELLEN

(laughing)

Could be you’re a little jealous of your friend? Now that Rosie has red hair – well - Hal probably thinks she’s hot-to-trot

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Honey – sex is a memory for us and Rosie never was one to go in for that type of stuff. No – he’s probably after her money for sure. Now about some blond here and maybe some in front here…

SUE ELLEN

Some people hide from the truth all their lives. There – we’re finished! So?

 

               LILY ENTERS

 

                                                                        LILY

You have a last minute customer

 

SUE ELLEN

I thought you wanted to close up early?

 

LILY

I know but things have been so slow lately. Every dollar counts

 

               LILY EXITS

 

MRS. CLEMENS

What about my nails? Look at ‘em! All chipped and broken

 

SUE ELLEN

You heard Lily. I have another client

 

MRS. CLEMENS

I can’t go ‘round with these. A quick manicure won’t take long

SUE ELLEN

Tell you what, how ‘bout forgetting a manicure this week, and I’ll give you a special nail strengthener treatment, free, on your next appointment?

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Can’t be seen in public with these claws, honey. Make an old lady feel good?

 

SUE ELLEN

               
                               (examining MRS. CLEMENS nails)

They are in bad shape…

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Do it just for me this time. Please? I’ll make it worth your while

 

SUE ELLEN

It’s not the money, you know that… Damn! Never could say no to you

 

MRS. CLEMENS

You just made my day

 

SUE ELLEN

Been digging in the earth, again, huh? How many times have I told you t’go and hire somebody to take care of your garden?

 

MRS. CLEMENS

You think I’m gonna pay a stranger to come in and ruin all the good work I done over the years? Took me forever to get it lookin’ like it does and I ain’t gonna let nobody lay a finger on one flower. I don’t need help from nobody

 

SUE ELLEN

Everyone needs help at some point in their life. How’s that cat of yours?

 

MRS. CLEMENS

We just celebrated her fifteenth birthday, bless her. Lives better than a lot of people I know

SUE ELLEN

Still a beast at heart, though. In the end her real nature comes through - just like a lotta guys I know

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Ouch! Know what you’re missing? The love of a good man

 

SUE ELLEN

(laughing hard)

Oh yeah - just what I need right now. A male in my life to make me complete

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Don’t sneer at the idea, honey. Notice I said a good man. I was married three times and all of ‘em were fine samples of manhood

 

SUE ELLEN

You been a widow a long time?

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Widow hell, girl! Divorced ‘em all. I didn’t waitress all those years saving up my hard-earned cash for them to throw it away on poker and liquor. I’d marry again tomorrow if the right man came along but like they say, a good man is hard to find, but a hard man is good to find

SUE ELLEN

Judging by the males I’ve seen in these parts, I’ll stay single

 

MRS. CLEMENS

It ain’t good t’be distrustful at your age. Someone could walk through that door this very minute and steal your heart away. Happens all the time

 

SUE ELLEN

The man of my nightmares more likely

 

MRS. CLEMENS

So there was a special someone in your life? Anyone I know?

 

SUE ELLEN

Unlikely you’ve crossed paths with the creep

 

MRS. CLEMENS

He hurt you that bad?

 

SUE ELLEN

Now listen up – you have to wear gloves when you do dirty work or your nails will keep breaking. I keep telling my customers that the only way to keep nails proper is to keep them covered. Your hands deserve to be taken care of

MRS. CLEMENS

You’ve gone changed the topic on me!

 

SUE ELLEN

That I have

MRS. CLEMENS

When it comes to nail manicures you’re the best in these here parts but take it from someone who’s been there and seen a lot. Work ain’t everything. Don’t let life pass you by and end up old and wrinkled with nothing but memories to keep you going

 

SUE ELLEN

              

               Helps MRS. CLEMENS out of the chair

 

I got a lotta memories. That’s why I’m single. Pencil you in for next week, same time?

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Your personal life is none of my business but...

 

SUE ELLEN

You got that right. Don’t wanna rush you out but Lily is waiting

 

MRS. CLEMENS

Okay if we settle up next time? I swear, I’d forget my head if t’wern’t attached to my neck

 

SUE ELLEN

A lot of people forget things - or try to. No problem. Pay me next time

MRS. CLEMENS

Now you remember what I told you. Gotta keep an open mind and be ready when love enters the door

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE COFFEE SHOP: THE TEA CUP DILEMMA

SCENE: A popular coffee shop/stand. Woman (TEA LOVER) is standing in long line waiting to order

TEA LOVER
How long do we have to wait to get a lousy tea?

PERSON IN FRONT
Sorry?

TEA LOVER
I was commenting on the slow service, here. Seems like I've been waiting forever

PERSON IN FRONT
Did you say, 'tea'?'

TEA LOVER
Uh-huh. Why?

PERSON IN FRONT
Just sort-of weird that you're ordering tea at a coffee stand

TEA LOVER
How so?

PERSON IN FRONT
I mean, they're known for serving coffee, here

TEA LOVER
So where should we tea drinkers get our beverage of choice? Or perhaps we should drink it only at home?

PERSON IN FRONT
I didn't mean... Wasn't trying to offend or anything...

TEA LOVER
They do serve tea here, ergo, it's a place in which to indulge in a hot cup of tea. Accent on the hot

PERSON IN FRONT
Sor-reee! I was just thinking out loud... Didn't mean anything by it. Look - if you want to order tea, far be it for me to stand in your way. By all means, order tea! Oh look - we're at the front of the line, thank goodness. Have a nice day, lady!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Can I help you?

TEA LOVER
I certainly hope so but I won't hold my breath

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Sorry?

TEA LOVER
A green tea, please?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Sorry - we're out of green tea

TEA LOVER
Out...of...green...tea... How did this happen?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Well - between you and me, there's not a big demand for green tea so we don't stock a lot of it

TEA LOVER
Tell me - how is your coffee selection? Do you have a lot of blends?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
You name it - we have it! It's our thing!

TEA LOVER
Uh-huh... Obviously, we tea drinkers of the world are of secondary importance to your coffee customers. There appears to be a coffee prejudice at hand, here

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Of course we value, even treasure, our tea drinkers just as much, m'am! Perhaps consider choosing another tea. We're due to re-stock our tea supplies. It's been six months.

TEA LOVER
Okay. How about Earl Grey?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Does he work here?

TEA LOVER
Earl Grey is a tea selection. Very delicate and perfume flavor. Quite delightful, actually

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
I knew that! Just joking! A little tea humor! No - we don't have him - I mean, Earl Grey... Try again

TEA LOVER
Oolong?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Water's boiled. All I have to do is drop in the tea bag...

TEA LOVER
Oolong is another type of tea.

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
(laughing)
I thought you meant how long will it take? No  - don't have that kind, either.

TEA LOVER
This is ridiculous! What do you have, she asked stupidly

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
You know - your regular tea bag, orange pekoe I think they call it

TEA LOVER
Oh the angst of having to settle for pedestrian tea! Fine! I'll take it!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Here or to go?

TEA LOVER
Here of course. How could I possibly walk around holding a mug of hot tea? I could spill it on myself or bump into people

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
No probloem-o. We provide a sleeve for the cup

TEA LOVER
Sleeve?

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
(pouring hot water into a paper cup and dropping in tea bag, and adding a sleeve around top)
Your tea, m'am!

TEA LOVER
(shocked)
Paper cup? One does not drink one's tea in a paper cup

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
What you sees is what you get! If it's good enough for coffee drinkers...

TEA DRINKER
We tea drinkers are a different breed, sir!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
You can say that again.

TEA DRINKER
I shall report this to cooperate headquarters

(sipping tea)

Paper cup - so uncivilized... This water is not boiled! Look at the foam on top indicating it never came to a full boil!

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Oh look! Seems that somebody ordered an extra scone and we'll have to throw it away. Perhaps you can help out by taking it off my hands as a gift?

TEA DRINKER
Silly me! My eyes are deceiving me. Not foam at all (removing glasses and cleaning them). My glasses just needed cleaning. Your orange pekoe tea is just delicious, especially accompanied by this scone.

(gives COFFEE SHOP SERVER something in his hand and walks away)

COFFEE SHOP SERVER
A whole quarter! Tea drinkers - all alike!

DEAD WRITES

(NEW REVISION: 9-13-2012)

 

Scanning over my files, came accross a newer version of this play. For the record, I've always believed this has potential but for whatever reason (laziness springs to mind), never pursued it. Did some updating and tweaking with the end result posted here. As always, critiques both pro and con always appreciated. If not - enjoy.



 

"DEAD WRITES"

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE I

SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon

AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room

FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress

LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.

SOUND: somber organ music.

 

 

FELICIA
(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'

Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin

(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…

Man continues to ignore her
Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!


A male (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter

JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance?

FELICIA
Whoa! What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament

SFX: THUNDER CLAP


JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?

FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?

JOSIAH
A suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your choice of words could prove to be problematic

FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?

JOSIAH
Excuse me?

FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?

JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu

FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?

JOSIAH
Sorry?

FELICIA
Wigs? Makeup? Do I have to draw you a picture?

JOSIAH
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…

FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal minded when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say

JOSIAH
You mean what I'm wearing. We all wear white where I come from and this glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why

FELICIA
Is your family okay with all of this?

JOSIAH
They’re very much aware of my work. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information.

FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.

JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…

FELICIA
Damn! Do I have to spell it out for you

SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'

(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference

FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something with the ceiling? What is it with you and the way I speak? Hell - it’s none of your damned business

SFX: THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no

FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…

SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?

FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…

SFX: THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
(staring up)
‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules…’

(TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever

FELICIA
For your information, words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it

JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’
(TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?

FELICIA
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!

SFX: THUNDER CLAP

FELICIA (cont'd) Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that that funeral guy over there won’t give me the time of day

JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence

FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me

JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference

FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do

FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper

JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…

FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice

JOSIAH
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…

FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?

JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego

FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here

JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?

FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?

JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature

FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!

JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.

FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?

JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy

FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shoot! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your users and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover

JOSIAH
We are all accountable for our actions

FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon

JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think

Female wanders in, stopping every so often to check out the surroundings.
She stares at JOSIAH and smiles at FELICIA

FEMALE
Hi! Nice to see another body here and I mean that in the best sense of course.

FELICIA
It’s about time somebody noticed I’m here!

FEMALE
Know where you’re coming from. Just wish I knew how I ended up here

JOSIAH
But…you shouldn’t be here, my dear. I’m guessing that you’re a friend of Michael?

Man (MICHAEL) dressed entirely in blue with glittering pants rushes in and
places his arm around female’s shoulder

MICHAEL
So there you are! You shouldn’t wander off like that. Come along now…

JOSIAH
You must take better care of your charges, Michael! You’ve been warned about losing your souls. You’ve still got two missing souls unaccounted for wandering the earth. This is not good, Michael!

MICHAEL
I’ve got a search party out looking for them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with them? After all – they are…

JOSIAH
…better get along now

FEMALE
Nice meeting you. Why can’t I stay and chat with her….

MICHAEL leads female away

FELICIA
Another member of your group, I suppose? So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to

JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?

FELICIA

FELICIA studies group of mourners

Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know

JOSIAH
It's neither one of them

FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there

JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly

FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be

JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?

FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –

SFX: THUNDER CLAP

JOSIAH
- perhaps another word would be better …

FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!

JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me

FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day

JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?

FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way

JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that

FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit

JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately

FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?

JOSIAH
You'll know in due course

FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course

JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral

FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean

JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!

FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this

JOSIAH
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough

FELICIA
Is it necessary for you to keep talking in riddles? You keep hinting at…like there's something I should know but don't. I'm getting these flashes…a feeling that our paths have crossed …somewhere. It's like… just out of reach of my consciousness

JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one so to speak

FELICIA
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the few people who showed up to say goodbye. Then again, real friends are hard to come by

JOSIAH
It's actually quite sad. That person believed she –

FELICIA
- so it's a woman -

JOSIAH
As I was saying she assumed she never needed people and in the end, seems that they weren't there for her when she needed them most

Mourner moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin

FELICIA
'Janice? Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but where were you?' Janice is my closest friend at the paper

JANICE

JANICE talks to "person" in the coffin
You miserable, lying bitch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish

FELICIA
‘Is that a way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living.’ No class but that’s part of who she is and I accept her ‘cause we’re best friends

JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat

She's probably pissed 'cause the corpse stole a lead away from her. 'Ya gotta move quickly if 'ya want a byline in our biz. You snooze – you lose. We better take a seat with the rest of them. Looks like everyone from the paper is here so who’s the corpse

FELICIA takes a seat next to JANICE.

ASIDE TO JANICE: You never did have any class, girl.

Turns to the man sitting on the other side of her
Hey Pete-ee! So, how's it goin' with you?

(PETE) ignores FELICIA, talks to the female on his other side
(Cont’d.) Hey - I'm speaking to you. What's with them all, today?

JOSIAH
He can't hear you

FELICIA
Oh please! He hears me all right but he's busy chatting up the new reporter, Chloe Starshine. That guy can't keep his zipper closed around the opposite sex, if you get my drift

JOSIAH
Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here?

FELICIA
To pay my respects to someone in the print 'biz. What else? You know…I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. This is a new one for me and it's about this outfit I'm wearing. I'm assuming I didn't have time to change 'cause I wouldn't be caught dead in this

JOSIAH
(bursts out laughing)
In your state clothes are the last things you should worry about…

FELICIA
I'm happy you find me so amusing. Ssh! I wanna hear the name of the corpse, I mean dearly departed

MINISTER steps behind podium

MINISTER
Friends…


Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any!'

MINISTER
…we are here to bid goodbye to one…

Another voice:

'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'

MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague…

FELICIA
At last I'm gonna find out who this mystery person is. Strikes me she sure wasn't liked, but even dead people deserve respect

FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone

'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Show some remorse!'

MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? A few words would suffice. Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?

FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap? What am I late for? A meeting…an interview… I’m sure I checked my agenda…

MINISTER
No one? Then we'll have a quick service for Ms Pembroke and you can all go back to work

FELICIA
Is this guy for real? Let me make this very clear: 'I'm among you, in the flesh! Look at me! I'm sitting right here.'

JOSIAH
I've been trying to tell you…

FELICIA
I know what's going on here. They've all staged this to teach me a lesson. 'Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!'

FELICIA stands up on chair, waves and screams
FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever

JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin
JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you

FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?

JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!

FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!

JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside

FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back

FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…

Aside to mourners
'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'

JOSIAH
It's you in there for real

FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even

JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing

FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!

JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only

FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now

JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…

FELICIA runs her hand over her body

FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing

JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job

FELICIA

She paces back and forth in a panic

This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?

JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat

FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?

JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped

FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere

JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear

FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…

JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke

FELICIA
Just…Josiah?

JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names

FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?

JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality

FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do

JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side

FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor

JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level

Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down

'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie

FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?

JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours

FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…

SOUND: thunderclap

JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember

FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…

JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues

FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything

JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?

FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…

JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference

FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.

JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed

FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation

JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it

FELICIA
But you said…

JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less

FELICIA

Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand
I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave

JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you

FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…

JOSIAH
There is one person who remained

FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her

JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?

FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it

JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?

FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!

JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…

FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?

JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke

FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?

JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work

FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz

JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way

FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'

CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting

JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you

FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?

JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…

FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore

JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences

FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…

JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent

FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?

JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires

FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego

JOSIAH
Don't push things

FELICIA
Are we leaving?

JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…

FELICIA
How would I do that, now?

JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …

JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness

 

 

 

 

 

Whereas the playwright has a conversation with the main character of  "Old Soldiers", JOE MCKENNA


PLAYWRIGHT
Joe! You old son-of-a-...gun. How are things going with you?

JOE MCKENNA
Cut the crap, Eleanor. You know very well I'm looking for direction

PLAYWRIGHT
You mean, you're lost? How so?

JOE MCKENNA
You keep changing my focus so often, I'm getting dizzy. When are you gonna make up your mind once and for all?

PLAYWRIGHT
It's not for lack of trying. I start out in one direction and then suddenly realize that I'm sending you on a wild goose chase

JOE MCKENNA
How well I know that! Now what are you gonna do with my army buddies? They're obviously important since you put them in the first scene

PLAYWRIGHT
That's the dilemma right now. I love their characters and I love the dialogue that flows out of their mouths, but they have to have something to offer in the way of justification

JOE MCKENNA
They're my friends. That's all they need

PLAYWRIGHT
True...but I want their input to be meaningful. To have an impact on the story. Do you like where they're at now?

JOE MCKENNA
Can't really say for sure - yet. It could work and then again the whole damn thing could fall apart

PLAYWRIGHT
What about the new characters?

JOE MCKENNA
Potential...they could be interesting.

PLAYWRIGHT
Well, if all goes according to plan, they will all have impact on each other

JOE MCKENNA
Sorry - I don't get it

PLAYWRIGHT
Hopefully, as time goes on, you will

JOE MCKENNA
Promises...promises...

PLAYWRIGHT
Trust me

JOE MCKENNA
Do I have a choice? Gotta leave. I have a feeling the guys are meeting up at the pub. 'I'm comin' fellas...I'm comin'! We are, right?

Note: comments, both pro and con, appreciated by reading the snippet of the play here:  http://a-playwrights-ramblings.blogspot.ca/2012/08/just-reading-over-old-soldiers-to.html

The "Old Soldiers" keeps marching along, slowly but surely.

"Old Soldiers" status update for those who have been keeping up with the continuing saga of a writer attempting to finish her short play.

Added some more dialogue/content to the play, yesterday. Read the play through in its entirety and it definitely held my interest. As expected, there were some necessary small - accent on the small - adjustments to be made. Still not sure if the play is adaptable for radio, though. That decision will be made once the play is completed.

The play is taking on a life of its own and the latest revision is leading me in a different direction. I've already changed the ending a few times in my mind and the latest update is giving me food for thought and something to chew on (sorry about the puns). I'm at the point where Joe (main character) has had a fateful meeting with two new characters, who could change his mind-set about his self-appointed task.  One of the new characters is a young boy and I want to use him as a positive influence.

Meanwhile, I'm sort-of using his army buddies as a comic foil tagging along for the ride unbeknownst to Joe. Given their friendship and shared past, it seems only logical that they would be part of the conclusion.

Thing is...the writing comes in spurts as my muse dictates. Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't but when it does as I've frequently shared, it's magic!

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE FRIES

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET.  Customer approaches the supermarket clerk, who is placing items on a shelf.

CUSTOMER
Hello? I have a problem

CLERK
Is it something on one of these shelves?

CUSTOMER
Um - no. Not really...

CLERK
Then it's not my responsibility

CUSTOMER

(looks around, leaves and then returns to speak to same clerk)

I don't seem to be able to find any other clerks. Perhaps you could help...

CLERK
What food item is it?

CUSTOMER
French fries

CLERK
Really can't help you if they're frozen

CUSTOMER
Duh! Do they come any other way? What I want to know...

CLERK
(focusing on stacking cans on shelves)
Sorry. You'll hav'ta speak to someone who works in that section

CUSTOMER
Look - if I could find someone who works for this store in the frozen food section, I would have gone to her or him, but unfortunately there's nobody to be found or seen

CLERK
That's 'cause they're all on their break

CUSTOMER
(looking at watch)
It's 1 p.m. They just came back from lunch for heaven's sake!

CLERK
Yeah but the union rules are afternoon breaks start at 1 p.m.

CUSTOMER
One shudders to think about the actual working hours here. At least listen to my problem ...

CLERK
Can't

CUSTOMER
Why not?

CLERK
I'm a stacker

CUSTOMER
Slacker would be a better description

CLERK
Huh - what? Us stackers have our own areas to cover. We just can't go over to another section and hone in on somebody else's territory

CUSTOMER
Of course. I'm so un-supermarket savvy. Okay. What time are their breaks over, she asked, wondering what the world is coming to these days

(clerk checks watch)

CLERK
They'll be back any minute now. Perhaps if you hang out at the frozen fries section...

CUSTOMER
Silly me! Of course I should, as you so quaintly phrase it, hang out in the frozen section. I just love freezing my...

CLERK
Gotta leave. Break time

(Clerk takes off. Customer goes to refrigerated section)

CUSTOMER
Excuse me - I wonder if you could assist me

CLERK 2
What's the item?

CUSTOMER
It concerns fries

CLERK 2
Fresh or frozen?

CUSTOMER
Does it make a difference and since when do you sell fresh fries?

CLERK 2
Can't really say since I'm an egg man myself...

CUSTOMER
...I know - and you can't discuss fries. So tell me - who can?

CLERK 2
Frozen products clerk over there

CUSTOMER
Where? You mean this person really exists in reality?

(Customer moves over to frozen foods)

CUSTOMER
I have a problem with frozen fries

CLERK 3
Returns are at the front counter

CUSTOMER
I only wish I had frozen fries to return. If you check your gigantic freezer, there are no 'Yummy Fries' to be found

CLERK 3
That's 'cause we have a big special on them

CUSTOMER
They just went on sale yesterday for heaven's sake! How could you sell them out, already?

CLERK 3
People buy them to stock up

CUSTOMER
That shouldn't be allowed, y'know. What about the rest of us who want a package or two? What about OUR needs?

CLERK 3
Get a rain check at the front

CUSTOMER
A rain check won't do it. I need them for a barbeque tonight

CLERK 3
There are other brands you can buy

CUSTOMER
They're more expensive. Perhaps go check in the back? Things always seem to magically appear from the back storage room...

CLERK 3
My mom makes really yummy fries from scratch. You could try that too

CUSTOMER
Well goody for your mom. About those sale fries, now? What are you gonna do about them?

CLERK 3
Rain check is all we can offer

(Clerk 3 listens to message over loud speaker)

Gotta go. They want me in produce

CUSTOMER
Before you disappear and being that we're sort-of friends and I'm a long-time shopper here, how about giving me the fries that aren't on sale, at the sale price. We can keep it between us - nobody has to know. I won't tell if you won't

CLERK 3
You'll have to talk to the person in charge of the frozen food. I'm not allowed to make big decisions like that

CUSTOMER
Why am I not surprised. Now this frozen head person, where would one find him or her?

CLERK 3
You can't

CUSTOMER
And why not, she asked stupidly

CLERK 3
He's on vacation. Won't be back 'til next week

CUSTOMER
Know what? Forget about it! I'll take a bag of the fries that aren't on sale

(CUSTOMER walks to front counter)

COUNTER CLERK
Can I help you?

CUSTOMER
Probably not. I'd like a rain check?

COUNTER CLERK
No can do

CUSTOMER
And this would be because...?

COUNTER CLERK
We ran out of rain checks. We ordered a new stack but they won't be in 'til tomorrow

CUSTOMER
You can't have run out of rainchecks! It's not legal

COUNTER CLERK
There's a big special on frozen fries. People want rain checks so they can stock up

CUSTOMER
This is outrageous! I'm reporting this to...to...head office!

COUNTER CLERK
They already know. They're the one's who supply us with rain checks

CUSTOMER
It's all very simple. I require those sale fries for a barbeque I'm having tonight. What are you gonna do to help?

COUNTER CLERK
You can have that bag of Mrs. Frys Fries at the same price as the sale fries

CUSTOMER
Why don't you specify that with a sign in the empty space that once held the frozen sale fries? You would make my shopping so much easier, not to mention keep my blood pressure down

COUNTER CLERK
Nobody asked me before.

CUSTOMER
I'd like three bags

COUNTER CLERK
Not possible. Only two per customer. We don't wanna run short and then have to offer a rain check and...

CUSTOMER
...I know. You don't have any more rain check pads. Shopping has become much too complicated these days... Tell me - is there really a supervisor of the frozen fries section?

COUNTER CLERK
Neh! We just tell people that

Just reading over "Old Soldiers" to evaluate the remaining dialogue to be written and experienced that "I like this!" click in my head. I've already shared some of the play in this blog before but since I'm feeling mellow and pleased with myself, here is another taste of the play.

To set up the scene: Joe and his friends are waiting for the arrival of Al, who is supposed to join them. They are getting increasingly concerned and speculating as to the reason for his not being there yet. Chuck is the bartender. Comments always welcome, by the way.

JOE

Does anyone know Al’s last name? I’ll go look it up in the phone book.

‘Hey Chuck – where’s your phone directory?’

BARTENDER (CHUCK)

Don’t have one anymore

JOE

Whad’ya mean you don’t have a phone directory? What do you do when you when you want someone’s phone number? Guess?

BARTENDER

People have cell phones these days

JOE

Not everyone uses them there fancy cell phones, y’know! I don’t! They don’t! In any case, you still need t’know a number now and then

BARTENDER

Cell phone has all that information stored. Phone…text…it’s all there

JOE

Always inventing new contraptions so’s they have an excuse to charge more. How am I supposed to find out this guy’s phone number? He don’t own a cell phone!

MAC

I read somewhere that regular type phones will be a museum piece, soon. We’ll all hav’ta go to them eventually, I suppose

BARTENDER

Here – gimme the guy’s name and I’ll look it up for you

MAC

That little thingie has a phone book, too? How do they fit all those numbers in that little phone?

BARTENDER

Yup. So what’s your friend’s name?

JOE

Al…Al Springer

MAC

He lives on Green Avenue…or was it White…a color anyway

JOE

Some help you are

MIKE

I think he moved 6 months ago. Don’cha remember him saying he was moving to the veterans hospital?

JOE

He’s been sayin’ that for years

MIKE

Maybe he finally did! Did you find the number?

BARTENDER

…Springer, Flo…Springer, Jack… No Al Springer

JOE

Course not! He don’t own a cell phone! That’s why he’s not there!

BARTENDER

His number would be listed, anyway

MIKE

How we gonna find out? Maybe – and I don’t wanna think about it… Maybe he…like…died and we missed his funeral. We should’a been in touch with him earlier. At our age, we should stay in touch with each other every day

JOE

Listen – if he passed – I would know about it. I’ve been reading the obits every day for 50 years.

MIKE

Then where is he?

MAC

Maybe he died and they just buried him in an un-marked grave

JOE

Little bluebird of happiness aren’t we?

MAC

You never know

JOE

Like you/said, maybe he moved into the vet hospital or – whatever

MAC

What happens if…he’s like - homeless, living on the street?

JOE

Oh fer… Why would he be living on the street if he has an apartment?

MAC

Maybe things changed. Maybe he ran out’ta money or something

JOE

And you think I’m negative?

MIKE

Lemme see that cell thingie? Geesh – it’s so light and small. Aren’t you afraid you’re gonna lose it or it’ll drop outta your pocket?

MAC

Wanna try mine?

JOE

An old fart like you turning trendy at 81? Little too late for that

MAC

Why can’t you be happy for me? You’re never happy about anything for anyone. Complain…complain…

JOE

I calls it like I sees it. If you can’t stand to hear the truth…

MAC

Imagine carrying this around with you and being able to talk whenever you feel like it, anywhere. You could even talk and pee at the same time

JOE

If I wanna speak to somebody that badly, it’ll wait. No privacy these days. Where’s the dial buttons? I don’t see any

MAC

Right there

JOE

Those are the buttons? They’re okay if you’re a midget or a kid

MAC

Hey! Look who walked through the door, alive and kicking. Well alive, anyway.

JOE

You could’a called! We thought the worst

AL

I’m here, ain’t I? Won’t be long, anyway, ‘til I join old Percy, the way I feel lately

MIKE

You had us worried to death you croaked and we missed your funeral.

JOE

That would be too logical for him to tell us he’s gonna be late. He’d rather make a grand entrance like always

AL

What grand entrance? Dragging my aching old body around?

JOE

You still didn’t tell us why you’re late

AL

I was conversing with my landlady and lost track of time. Something wrong with that?

JOE

Would this be the same landlady that struts around in a see-through negligee? How old is she, anyway? Seventy-five? Gravity failed her a long time ago!

AL

Age is just a state of mind. You’re just jealous ‘cause you ain’t got anybody special. Who’d wanna be with someone like you, Joe, who hates the world?

MAC

Al – you are one sneaky and horny bastard

MIKE

(laughing and coughing)

Maybe horny in his head but not where it counts!

AL

You’re all jealous of me! I wasn’t missing in action, if you get my drift

JOE

The only action you’ll see is in your dreams

AL

Think so? I’ll have you know…

MAC

Spare us the images. Can I have my cell phone back, now?

JOE

I was just about to hand it over. You think I was gonna steal it?

MAC

You could accidentally slip it into your pocket

JOE

Gimme a break! Whad’ya need one for, anyway? Most everyone we know has passed and those who are left are non compos mentis in retirement homes

MIKE

What’ll it be, Al? Joe’s paying so make it expensive

AL

I’ll pass. Sheila made me one of those fancy coffees. Cappa…cappo…whatever

JOE

Sheila is?

AL

Sheila – my landlady. We like to discuss things over a coffee

JOE

Strictly talking I’m guessing

AL

Okay. Here’s the truth. We had wild sex and she couldn’t get enough of my body. What’s it your business? I’m here – that’s all that matters. If Joe’s paying – I’ll have that drink

MIKE

‘Bartender – a drink for my friend, here’

JOE

What am I? Chopped liver? Where you living, anyway?

MAC

Didn’t you say you were moving to a Vet hospital?

AL

Same place. I always wanted to move but somehow, it never happened. It’s like the end of the line when you go there

MIKE

But you need help, Al. At least there’s therapists and people who could make your life easier

AL

Meanwhile, as long as there’s life in this here body, I’ll live on my own. Anyway, I have a cleaning lady come in once a week to help

JOE

I reserved a table for us over there in the corner

AL

So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?