To set up the scene: Joe and his friends are waiting for the arrival of Al, who is supposed to join them. They are getting increasingly concerned and speculating as to the reason for his not being there yet. Chuck is the bartender. Comments always welcome, by the way.
JOE
Does anyone know Al’s last name? I’ll go look it up in the phone book.
‘Hey Chuck – where’s your phone directory?’Don’t have one anymore
Whad’ya mean you don’t have a phone directory? What do you do when you when you want someone’s phone number? Guess?
People have cell phones these days
Not everyone uses them there fancy cell phones, y’know! I don’t! They don’t! In any case, you still need t’know a number now and then
Cell phone has all that information stored. Phone…text…it’s all there
Always inventing new contraptions so’s they have an excuse to charge more. How am I supposed to find out this guy’s phone number? He don’t own a cell phone!
I read somewhere that regular type phones will be a museum piece, soon. We’ll all hav’ta go to them eventually, I suppose
Here – gimme the guy’s name and I’ll look it up for you
That little thingie has a phone book, too? How do they fit all those numbers in that little phone?
Yup. So what’s your friend’s name?
Al…Al Springer
He lives on Green Avenue…or was it White…a color anyway
JOE
Some help you are
I think he moved 6 months ago. Don’cha remember him saying he was moving to the veterans hospital?
He’s been sayin’ that for years
Maybe he finally did! Did you find the number?
…Springer, Flo…Springer, Jack… No Al Springer
Course not! He don’t own a cell phone! That’s why he’s not there!
His number would be listed, anyway
How we gonna find out? Maybe – and I don’t wanna think about it… Maybe he…like…died and we missed his funeral. We should’a been in touch with him earlier. At our age, we should stay in touch with each other every day
Listen – if he passed – I would know about it. I’ve been reading the obits every day for 50 years.
Then where is he?
Maybe he died and they just buried him in an un-marked grave
Little bluebird of happiness aren’t we?
You never know
Like you/said, maybe he moved into the vet hospital or – whatever
What happens if…he’s like - homeless, living on the street?
Oh fer… Why would he be living on the street if he has an apartment?
Maybe things changed. Maybe he ran out’ta money or something
And you think I’m negative?
Lemme see that cell thingie? Geesh – it’s so light and small. Aren’t you afraid you’re gonna lose it or it’ll drop outta your pocket?
Wanna try mine?
An old fart like you turning trendy at 81? Little too late for that
Why can’t you be happy for me? You’re never happy about anything for anyone. Complain…complain…
I calls it like I sees it. If you can’t stand to hear the truth…
Imagine carrying this around with you and being able to talk whenever you feel like it, anywhere. You could even talk and pee at the same time
If I wanna speak to somebody that badly, it’ll wait. No privacy these days. Where’s the dial buttons? I don’t see any
Right there
Those are the buttons? They’re okay if you’re a midget or a kid
Hey! Look who walked through the door, alive and kicking. Well alive, anyway.
You could’a called! We thought the worst
I’m here, ain’t I? Won’t be long, anyway, ‘til I join old Percy, the way I feel lately
You had us worried to death you croaked and we missed your funeral.
That would be too logical for him to tell us he’s gonna be late. He’d rather make a grand entrance like always
What grand entrance? Dragging my aching old body around?
You still didn’t tell us why you’re late
I was conversing with my landlady and lost track of time. Something wrong with that?
Would this be the same landlady that struts around in a see-through negligee? How old is she, anyway? Seventy-five? Gravity failed her a long time ago!
Age is just a state of mind. You’re just jealous ‘cause you ain’t got anybody special. Who’d wanna be with someone like you, Joe, who hates the world?
Al – you are one sneaky and horny bastard
(laughing and coughing)
Maybe horny in his head but not where it counts!
You’re all jealous of me! I wasn’t missing in action, if you get my drift
The only action you’ll see is in your dreams
Think so? I’ll have you know…
Spare us the images. Can I have my cell phone back, now?
I was just about to hand it over. You think I was gonna steal it?
You could accidentally slip it into your pocket
Gimme a break! Whad’ya need one for, anyway? Most everyone we know has passed and those who are left are non compos mentis in retirement homes
What’ll it be, Al? Joe’s paying so make it expensive
I’ll pass. Sheila made me one of those fancy coffees. Cappa…cappo…whatever
Sheila is?
Sheila – my landlady. We like to discuss things over a coffee
Strictly talking I’m guessing
Okay. Here’s the truth. We had wild sex and she couldn’t get enough of my body. What’s it your business? I’m here – that’s all that matters. If Joe’s paying – I’ll have that drink
‘Bartender – a drink for my friend, here’
What am I? Chopped liver? Where you living, anyway?
Didn’t you say you were moving to a Vet hospital?
Same place. I always wanted to move but somehow, it never happened. It’s like the end of the line when you go there
But you need help, Al. At least there’s therapists and people who could make your life easier
Meanwhile, as long as there’s life in this here body, I’ll live on my own. Anyway, I have a cleaning lady come in once a week to help
I reserved a table for us over there in the corner
So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?
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