SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE SUPERMARKET - KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE FRIES

SCENE: A SUPERMARKET.  Customer approaches the supermarket clerk, who is placing items on a shelf.

CUSTOMER
Hello? I have a problem

CLERK
Is it something on one of these shelves?

CUSTOMER
Um - no. Not really...

CLERK
Then it's not my responsibility

CUSTOMER

(looks around, leaves and then returns to speak to same clerk)

I don't seem to be able to find any other clerks. Perhaps you could help...

CLERK
What food item is it?

CUSTOMER
French fries

CLERK
Really can't help you if they're frozen

CUSTOMER
Duh! Do they come any other way? What I want to know...

CLERK
(focusing on stacking cans on shelves)
Sorry. You'll hav'ta speak to someone who works in that section

CUSTOMER
Look - if I could find someone who works for this store in the frozen food section, I would have gone to her or him, but unfortunately there's nobody to be found or seen

CLERK
That's 'cause they're all on their break

CUSTOMER
(looking at watch)
It's 1 p.m. They just came back from lunch for heaven's sake!

CLERK
Yeah but the union rules are afternoon breaks start at 1 p.m.

CUSTOMER
One shudders to think about the actual working hours here. At least listen to my problem ...

CLERK
Can't

CUSTOMER
Why not?

CLERK
I'm a stacker

CUSTOMER
Slacker would be a better description

CLERK
Huh - what? Us stackers have our own areas to cover. We just can't go over to another section and hone in on somebody else's territory

CUSTOMER
Of course. I'm so un-supermarket savvy. Okay. What time are their breaks over, she asked, wondering what the world is coming to these days

(clerk checks watch)

CLERK
They'll be back any minute now. Perhaps if you hang out at the frozen fries section...

CUSTOMER
Silly me! Of course I should, as you so quaintly phrase it, hang out in the frozen section. I just love freezing my...

CLERK
Gotta leave. Break time

(Clerk takes off. Customer goes to refrigerated section)

CUSTOMER
Excuse me - I wonder if you could assist me

CLERK 2
What's the item?

CUSTOMER
It concerns fries

CLERK 2
Fresh or frozen?

CUSTOMER
Does it make a difference and since when do you sell fresh fries?

CLERK 2
Can't really say since I'm an egg man myself...

CUSTOMER
...I know - and you can't discuss fries. So tell me - who can?

CLERK 2
Frozen products clerk over there

CUSTOMER
Where? You mean this person really exists in reality?

(Customer moves over to frozen foods)

CUSTOMER
I have a problem with frozen fries

CLERK 3
Returns are at the front counter

CUSTOMER
I only wish I had frozen fries to return. If you check your gigantic freezer, there are no 'Yummy Fries' to be found

CLERK 3
That's 'cause we have a big special on them

CUSTOMER
They just went on sale yesterday for heaven's sake! How could you sell them out, already?

CLERK 3
People buy them to stock up

CUSTOMER
That shouldn't be allowed, y'know. What about the rest of us who want a package or two? What about OUR needs?

CLERK 3
Get a rain check at the front

CUSTOMER
A rain check won't do it. I need them for a barbeque tonight

CLERK 3
There are other brands you can buy

CUSTOMER
They're more expensive. Perhaps go check in the back? Things always seem to magically appear from the back storage room...

CLERK 3
My mom makes really yummy fries from scratch. You could try that too

CUSTOMER
Well goody for your mom. About those sale fries, now? What are you gonna do about them?

CLERK 3
Rain check is all we can offer

(Clerk 3 listens to message over loud speaker)

Gotta go. They want me in produce

CUSTOMER
Before you disappear and being that we're sort-of friends and I'm a long-time shopper here, how about giving me the fries that aren't on sale, at the sale price. We can keep it between us - nobody has to know. I won't tell if you won't

CLERK 3
You'll have to talk to the person in charge of the frozen food. I'm not allowed to make big decisions like that

CUSTOMER
Why am I not surprised. Now this frozen head person, where would one find him or her?

CLERK 3
You can't

CUSTOMER
And why not, she asked stupidly

CLERK 3
He's on vacation. Won't be back 'til next week

CUSTOMER
Know what? Forget about it! I'll take a bag of the fries that aren't on sale

(CUSTOMER walks to front counter)

COUNTER CLERK
Can I help you?

CUSTOMER
Probably not. I'd like a rain check?

COUNTER CLERK
No can do

CUSTOMER
And this would be because...?

COUNTER CLERK
We ran out of rain checks. We ordered a new stack but they won't be in 'til tomorrow

CUSTOMER
You can't have run out of rainchecks! It's not legal

COUNTER CLERK
There's a big special on frozen fries. People want rain checks so they can stock up

CUSTOMER
This is outrageous! I'm reporting this to...to...head office!

COUNTER CLERK
They already know. They're the one's who supply us with rain checks

CUSTOMER
It's all very simple. I require those sale fries for a barbeque I'm having tonight. What are you gonna do to help?

COUNTER CLERK
You can have that bag of Mrs. Frys Fries at the same price as the sale fries

CUSTOMER
Why don't you specify that with a sign in the empty space that once held the frozen sale fries? You would make my shopping so much easier, not to mention keep my blood pressure down

COUNTER CLERK
Nobody asked me before.

CUSTOMER
I'd like three bags

COUNTER CLERK
Not possible. Only two per customer. We don't wanna run short and then have to offer a rain check and...

CUSTOMER
...I know. You don't have any more rain check pads. Shopping has become much too complicated these days... Tell me - is there really a supervisor of the frozen fries section?

COUNTER CLERK
Neh! We just tell people that

Just reading over "Old Soldiers" to evaluate the remaining dialogue to be written and experienced that "I like this!" click in my head. I've already shared some of the play in this blog before but since I'm feeling mellow and pleased with myself, here is another taste of the play.

To set up the scene: Joe and his friends are waiting for the arrival of Al, who is supposed to join them. They are getting increasingly concerned and speculating as to the reason for his not being there yet. Chuck is the bartender. Comments always welcome, by the way.

JOE

Does anyone know Al’s last name? I’ll go look it up in the phone book.

‘Hey Chuck – where’s your phone directory?’

BARTENDER (CHUCK)

Don’t have one anymore

JOE

Whad’ya mean you don’t have a phone directory? What do you do when you when you want someone’s phone number? Guess?

BARTENDER

People have cell phones these days

JOE

Not everyone uses them there fancy cell phones, y’know! I don’t! They don’t! In any case, you still need t’know a number now and then

BARTENDER

Cell phone has all that information stored. Phone…text…it’s all there

JOE

Always inventing new contraptions so’s they have an excuse to charge more. How am I supposed to find out this guy’s phone number? He don’t own a cell phone!

MAC

I read somewhere that regular type phones will be a museum piece, soon. We’ll all hav’ta go to them eventually, I suppose

BARTENDER

Here – gimme the guy’s name and I’ll look it up for you

MAC

That little thingie has a phone book, too? How do they fit all those numbers in that little phone?

BARTENDER

Yup. So what’s your friend’s name?

JOE

Al…Al Springer

MAC

He lives on Green Avenue…or was it White…a color anyway

JOE

Some help you are

MIKE

I think he moved 6 months ago. Don’cha remember him saying he was moving to the veterans hospital?

JOE

He’s been sayin’ that for years

MIKE

Maybe he finally did! Did you find the number?

BARTENDER

…Springer, Flo…Springer, Jack… No Al Springer

JOE

Course not! He don’t own a cell phone! That’s why he’s not there!

BARTENDER

His number would be listed, anyway

MIKE

How we gonna find out? Maybe – and I don’t wanna think about it… Maybe he…like…died and we missed his funeral. We should’a been in touch with him earlier. At our age, we should stay in touch with each other every day

JOE

Listen – if he passed – I would know about it. I’ve been reading the obits every day for 50 years.

MIKE

Then where is he?

MAC

Maybe he died and they just buried him in an un-marked grave

JOE

Little bluebird of happiness aren’t we?

MAC

You never know

JOE

Like you/said, maybe he moved into the vet hospital or – whatever

MAC

What happens if…he’s like - homeless, living on the street?

JOE

Oh fer… Why would he be living on the street if he has an apartment?

MAC

Maybe things changed. Maybe he ran out’ta money or something

JOE

And you think I’m negative?

MIKE

Lemme see that cell thingie? Geesh – it’s so light and small. Aren’t you afraid you’re gonna lose it or it’ll drop outta your pocket?

MAC

Wanna try mine?

JOE

An old fart like you turning trendy at 81? Little too late for that

MAC

Why can’t you be happy for me? You’re never happy about anything for anyone. Complain…complain…

JOE

I calls it like I sees it. If you can’t stand to hear the truth…

MAC

Imagine carrying this around with you and being able to talk whenever you feel like it, anywhere. You could even talk and pee at the same time

JOE

If I wanna speak to somebody that badly, it’ll wait. No privacy these days. Where’s the dial buttons? I don’t see any

MAC

Right there

JOE

Those are the buttons? They’re okay if you’re a midget or a kid

MAC

Hey! Look who walked through the door, alive and kicking. Well alive, anyway.

JOE

You could’a called! We thought the worst

AL

I’m here, ain’t I? Won’t be long, anyway, ‘til I join old Percy, the way I feel lately

MIKE

You had us worried to death you croaked and we missed your funeral.

JOE

That would be too logical for him to tell us he’s gonna be late. He’d rather make a grand entrance like always

AL

What grand entrance? Dragging my aching old body around?

JOE

You still didn’t tell us why you’re late

AL

I was conversing with my landlady and lost track of time. Something wrong with that?

JOE

Would this be the same landlady that struts around in a see-through negligee? How old is she, anyway? Seventy-five? Gravity failed her a long time ago!

AL

Age is just a state of mind. You’re just jealous ‘cause you ain’t got anybody special. Who’d wanna be with someone like you, Joe, who hates the world?

MAC

Al – you are one sneaky and horny bastard

MIKE

(laughing and coughing)

Maybe horny in his head but not where it counts!

AL

You’re all jealous of me! I wasn’t missing in action, if you get my drift

JOE

The only action you’ll see is in your dreams

AL

Think so? I’ll have you know…

MAC

Spare us the images. Can I have my cell phone back, now?

JOE

I was just about to hand it over. You think I was gonna steal it?

MAC

You could accidentally slip it into your pocket

JOE

Gimme a break! Whad’ya need one for, anyway? Most everyone we know has passed and those who are left are non compos mentis in retirement homes

MIKE

What’ll it be, Al? Joe’s paying so make it expensive

AL

I’ll pass. Sheila made me one of those fancy coffees. Cappa…cappo…whatever

JOE

Sheila is?

AL

Sheila – my landlady. We like to discuss things over a coffee

JOE

Strictly talking I’m guessing

AL

Okay. Here’s the truth. We had wild sex and she couldn’t get enough of my body. What’s it your business? I’m here – that’s all that matters. If Joe’s paying – I’ll have that drink

MIKE

‘Bartender – a drink for my friend, here’

JOE

What am I? Chopped liver? Where you living, anyway?

MAC

Didn’t you say you were moving to a Vet hospital?

AL

Same place. I always wanted to move but somehow, it never happened. It’s like the end of the line when you go there

MIKE

But you need help, Al. At least there’s therapists and people who could make your life easier

AL

Meanwhile, as long as there’s life in this here body, I’ll live on my own. Anyway, I have a cleaning lady come in once a week to help

JOE

I reserved a table for us over there in the corner

AL

So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?