Characters encounter problems phoning home. A taste of "The Lemon"

As Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say, "it's always something."

Sometimes you write a play and although it seems like it has good-bordering-on-great possibilities, it languishes in the maybe-some-day file. The play at issue, "The Lemon", focuses on the trials and tribulations of a woman attempting to get help to remove her car, a "lemon"  stalled in a busy intersection blocking traffic.

A 15-minute comedy play-ette as I like to call my short but sweet stories, it has been tinkered with over the years including modifications to strengthen the flow of dialogue. The saga involves the use of a public pay phone and therein lies the problem.

In order to make my plays relevant, frequent updates are done, however - as frequently mentioned in my blogs, it's always the 'howevers' that get you in the end - this is a situation requiring a reappraisal of its viability.

Public pay phones are becoming a rarity and according to Wikipedia, "since 2007, the number of payphones in the United States in operation has declined by 48%. In July 2009, AT&T officially stopped supporting the Public Payphone service. Over 139,000 locations were sold in 2009."

In this play-ette, the main character (Penny) is attempting to convince the user of the pay phone to allow her to arrange for her "lemon" to be towed to a garage since her cell phone is dead. Here's what I mean:

PENNY
I don't believe this! How many more things can go wrong, today?

SOUND: car horns. PENNY looks off into the distance and makes an obscene gesture with hand

(cont'd. PENNY)  'Blow it out your nose, idiots! You'll get more out of that!' So typically me. Get a new cell phone and forget to charge it.

(aside to female in phone booth)

PENNY (owner of car/lemon)

'Scuse me - are you gonna be much longer?

FEMALE PHONE USER (FPU)
Do you mind? I'm almost finished. Why don't you use your cell phone?

PENNY
Duhhh! Don't you think I would if I could? Humor me for thirty seconds and perhaps you'll understand my dilemma. Over there in the middle of the intersection - see that car?

FPU
You mean the orange-colored wreck? You actually own that? I'd keep it to myself if I was you.

PENNY
I bought the rusting chunk of junk a week ago, why I don't know but the price was right, and it died on me, today. There's a sucker born every minute and the dealer saw a big red "S" right here on my forehead. Desperation causes one to make questionable decisions

FPU
Okay. I looked at your car. Now can I finish my conversation? The more you interrupt, the longer it'll take

(FPU turns away - PENNY taps her on the back)

PENNY
Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not a violent person by nature - not at all - but you're pushing my buttons. Wait - I made a joke...get it? Public phone booth...push the buttons... In my personal angst, I still manage to find humor. I'm a survivor alright.
Gotta take things in my own hands...

(PENNY reaches over, disconnects and grabs the phone)

FPU
How dare you! You...you...crazy woman. Get away from me!

PENNY
How dare I? How dare I, you ask? How many times did I tell you that I had to make a desperate phone call but did you listen? Nooooooo! Your phone conversation took precedent over my needs, so I took things into my own hands in the true sense of the word. If you don't mind and even if you do, my call needs privacy so block your ears and turn away. Better still, go away

FPU
'Scuse me? After the way you interrupted my conversation. I think not

PENNY
(rummaging through handbag)
Fine...whatever. Let's see here...where's my phone directory...course there's one on my cell if it was working... The handbag is so big, everything gets lost inside. Aha! So this is where my salami sandwich went. Phew! Mind tossing that into the trash over there?

FPU
I think not. Go  throw it in, yourself. It's a mere few feet away

PENNY
Surrrre - uh-huh... You think I'm an idiot?

FPU
The thought did cross my mind in addition to you being insane.

PENNY
I take one step away from here and you jump in and take control over the phone, again. Not! I'll just put it back in my handbag and toss it when you're gone. Nothing like the smell of rotting salami on a hot day (PENNY moves/waves her hand over the handbag in FPU's direction)

FPU
That is truly disgusting. You're gonna contaminate the phone

PENNY
So then you better not use it. Let's see here - where's the number of my dealership. I should'a filed it under 'losers'. Here it is...


And so their repartee continues, the two attempting to gain and retain control over the phone. The issue is if the play is still relevant and/or if it can be updated and relevant for today's society. Still, when it's all done and written, I do like this short play...  As mentioned at the beginning, it's always something.

 

Playwrightville - the place where playwrights think about their plays

"A playwright lives in an occupied country. And if you can't live that way, you don't stay. (Arthur Miller)

SCENE: PLAYWRIGHT ELEANOR is sitting at the computer, reading over her plays and contemplating making changes and revisions to one or two...or more.

AT RISE: Various characters from Eleanor's plays, start to feel threatened and express their feelings

If I write a new play, my point of view may be profoundly modified. I may be obliged to contradict myself and I may no longer know whether I still think what I think.

EUGENE IONESCO, Notes and Counter Notes

Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/p/playwriting_quotes.html#edPKy2F7EeZ0kBOA.99

A playwright lives in an occupied country. And if you can't live that way you don't stay.
Arthur Miller
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/playwright.html#mU4ESro3qRYCetxl.99

PLAYWRIGHT
There definitely has to be some changes to dialogue...

(upon hearing this, one of the characters from "THE LEMON" feels a growing sense of panic)

PENNY FLOWERS
Oh no you don't! Finally, after years of waiting, you provided an ending to my car problem.

PLAYWRIGHT
True but somehow, the ending doesn't seem to be strong enough. Refresh my memory, again?

PENNY FLOWERS
My car, a.k.a. "The Lemon", a car  used by many people over many years, was stuck in an intersection without any means in which to move it. Remember?

PLAYWRIGHT
Yup - recall it well. True you had to wait but I finally did give you a decent ending

PENNY FLOWERS
There! So you acknowledge that it's finished!

PLAYWRIGHT
Finished as in, for now, but not necessarily forever. We live for change, my dear

PENNY
Don't have much choice, do I, but if you really feel it will enhance my personality...but please don't demean my character. You sometimes have a habit of doing that

PLAYWRIGHT
I'll keep that in mind

(MAURICE, a minor character from the play, "A WEDDING" chimes in his two-cents-worth)

MAURICE
Excuse me... Hello? Playwright - as you will recall or maybe not - you couldn't make up your mind what type of background I should have. In the end, you didn't endow me with any special qualities other than my social breeding mixing with the upper class rich

PLAYWRIGHT
With all due respect, Maurice, you are a minor character in a major play

MAURICE
Minor in your eyes but not in the eyes of the two families organizing the wedding. They couldn't do without my help in choosing the right invitation. I do have impeccable taste

PLAYWRIGHT
True - in the end you did provide some comic relief

MAURICE
I resent that! I play a very important role. Perhaps a few more lines would be nice?

(Word gets out to JOE MCKENNA, the main character in the play, "OLD SOLDIERS" that Eleanor is thinking change...again)

JOE MCKENNA
What's this I hear that you wanna do some re-writes? No way, Jose!

PLAYWRIGHT
But Joe - it took me three years and numerous re-writes to get you where you are today. Sometimes...many times it takes a lot of re-writes to get it right. Didn't I finally submit the play to the BBC International Playwriting Competition? Perhaps you all will get the chance to tell your story

JOE MCKENNA
The guys want me to tell you that if you change one more word, they're walking! They really mean it!

PLAYWRIGHT
This isn't anything new to me since I've had them walking in many directions over time

JOE MCKENNA
I'm outta here. The guys are meeting back at the bar. Just remember you were warned! Not one word changed or else!

BECKY MALONE
The soldiers are complaining? We started out at a senior's center and moved around so many times, I'm still dizzy.

PLAYWRIGHT
Of all the plays, you people are my favorite characters

JOE MCKENNA
Hey! I thought I was

PLAYWRIGHT
Actually...when it's all said and done, you all are my favorites

(SARAH, a lively and somewhat ditzy character from "Gin..." steps forward to make herself heard and is joined by BECKY, another of the card-playing ladies)

SARAH
So...like...why do you wanna change us? You're not going to write out my goldfish, are you? Goldie would be very hurt even though she didn't have any lines

BECKY MALONE
Sarah...Sarah...Sarah...you and your goldfish friend have exactly the same thought process

SARAH
Thank you. Goldie would be pleased to hear that

PLAYWRIGHT
Just so you know, people, it's not easy to get the right words that will move the story along AND make sense at the same time. Then I have to worry about rejection when I finally decide to submit a play, not to mention the never ending question of the reason behind the rejection. Was it the story itself? Or maybe the ending or perhaps too many or too few characters? It's always those nagging whys. Okay people! This playwright gets your point! No more changes!

PENNY
Can we have that in writing?

PLAYWRIGHT
(keying in words)
'I, playwright, do declare that I won't make any changes to my plays, today'

BECKY
Wait a minute! Just today? What about tomorrow and next month?

PLAYWRIGHT
Beggars can't be choosers. A playwright's gotta do what a playwright has'ta do beside change is the key to a better future for you all

ALL THE CHARACTERS TOGETHER
Been there, heard that