SUBMISSION OPPORTUNITY: AN ONGOING DIALOGUE WITH SELF
BY Eleanor Tylbor


PLAYWRIGHT
Oh look! The Blankety-Blank Theatre is asking playwrights for plays. Hmmmm...interesting... Wonder if they're accepting plays from outside the U.S. Probably not...

INNER VOICE
There you go again! Negative. Always negative! Maybe they are!

PLAYWRIGHT
Yeah... Could be. Neh. I mean, this is a well-known and substantial theatre. They have enough playwrights domestically

INNER VOICE
So? What does that have to do with anything?

PLAYWRIGHT
Nothing but somehow I have a feeling they don't

INNER VOICE
You and your dumb feelings! How many opportunities did you let slide by based on your "feelings"?

PLAYWRIGHT
Let me read the guidelines, here... Hmmm and mmm - course I'm right. All the people and judges involved are from the U.S. Why would they waste time reading a play from an un-American? I suppose it would be a similar situation if it were reversed. You know - a Canadian theatre holding a playwriting competition? 'Course I wouldn't know having never won...anything, anywhere, anyway at any time. Oh to see my work actually up on a stage!

INNER VOICE
It doesn't say anything one way or the other. Why don't you query them and find out at least?

PLAYWRIGHT
Yeah... I could... I suppose... Maybe... I guess it would be a good idea. Let's see if they have an e-mail address... Hmm... Says here they have a lot of people reading all the entries. Well - that just about screws me. Wonder if they specialize in drama...or comedy...

INNER VOICE
So query and find out!

PLAYWRIGHT
Know what? It really scares me that lots of people will be reading my play. People who don't even know me or anything about the history of my play! How can they judge the merit of my intellect?

INNER VOICE
Nobody in Canada knows anything about it - or you either, doofus!

PLAYWRIGHT
True... It's just the idea of strangers reading my play and passing judgment on it. 'Oh look', they probably say to each other. 'This is laughable! She calls herself a playwright?' I bet they do that! Have a good laugh at our expense!

INNER VOICE
You're creating barriers again!

PLAYWRIGHT
Perhaps...Let me read some more about this theatre. Just as I thought! I could end up having a reading and not a production!

INNER VOICE
So what's wrong with that?

PLAYWRIGHT
What do I have to gain from a mere reading? I want a production! No - I need a production! I could just as easy get a group together and have a reading of my play. I don't have to spend who knows how much on postage and wonder whether anybody even read it.

INNER VOICE
So do it! Stop complaining for heaven's sake and do something. Your play will never see the light of day by sitting at a computer reading theatre submission guidelines.

PLAYWRIGHT
I'm sick and tired of submitting and daring to hope that maybe - just maybe - the play will be produced! All the while waiting and waiting for news. Checking the mail and the Internet for some response and all the while doubt creeping in and over-taking hope. What else do playwrights have to live for but hope?

INNER VOICE
You're telling me this? Me who shares your anxieties?

PLAYWRIGHT
What happens though if I can't find anyone who wants to read?

INNER VOICE
What happens if you do find people who want to read? If you don't take the first step, you'll never know. Go for it!

PLAYWRIGHT
Oh look here... this looks like just the theatre I've been looking for. I got a good feeling about this one.

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life and love among the plastic people)

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE continues in her attempt to break up with G.I. JOE, who is not getting the message. KEN, her ex-boyfriend who took off after hearing the call of the surf, has returned, unaware of the situation. Meanwhile, the BRATZ, fresh from bad critical reviews of their first (and probably last) movie, are heading back to PLASTICVILLE, expecting to return to their former roles of fashionistas

KEN
Hey everyone! I’m back! Your Ken is back, Barbie!

BARBIE
Oh…like…just what I need right now. Ken back

G.I. JOE
(picking up a rocket launcher and pointing it at KEN)
Back from where, sissy boy? How do we know where you were? You could’a given the enemy our coordinates and they could be heading this way now. We gotta kill this guy, babe

BARBIE
Not! Like…put that thing down, G.I.! Get it through your head that we don’t have any enemies. I mean, maybe badly designed outfits and tacky clothes choices…knock-off purses. That doesn’t mean anyone has’ta die! Punished, yes. Death, no.

G.I. JOE
This sissy boy…you know him?

BARBIE
Joe – this is Ken! You remember Ken, don’t you? You and him shared a beach house for a month?

KEN
Is that really you, Joey ba-bee? It’s me, Ken, your beach bunny!

G.I. JOE
(visually uncomfortable)
Um… Well… Never saw this disgusting excuse for a soldier in my life! Turn around and put your hands on the wall

KEN
Why?

G.I. JOE
I gotta frisk you - t’see if you got any hidden weapons

KEN
Ohhhhhh – I like that idea. Here let me help…

G.I. JOE
(frisking KEN)
Stand back, soldier! I’m armed with a weapon

KEN
Oh I can see that. Wanna frisk me again? Then I’ll frisk you…and then we’ll frisk each other…

BARBIE
Like…I don’t wanna break up your sick game but G.I. – we hav’ta talk. Now please?

(suddenly, there is the sound of a car engine and a Corvette pulls up)

Sasha! Jade! Jasmin! Cloe! The Bratz are back!

G.I. JOE
You know these dolls?

BARBIE
Never saw them before in my life!

G.I. JOE
Aha! The enemy has many faces. Okay ladies. Up against the wall and spread your legs

(G.I. JOE attempts to push the Bratz dolls against the wall and they hop along instead on their tip-toes)

(cont’d.) I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
We can’t! Like…our legs won’t move apart! God knows we've been trying for years and don't even ask about our sex lives

G.I. JOE
Don’t gimme none of your lame excuses. I said – spread ‘em!

JADE
And I’m telling you – we can’t!

SASHA
Like…hi Barbie! We’re back! Where’s the party?

BARBIE
You have some nerve! The four of you take off on me…like…a long time ago and like…you try to be movie stars and like…you sucked big time and now…like you expect me to welcome you back with open arms?

SASHA
Well…yeah. Why not?

BARBIE
Um – well – because – lemme think on that question

YASMIN
The bad movie director kept telling us to emote and like…we kept telling him we couldn’t!

BARBIE
How come?

YASMIN
We don’t know what the word means. Oh Barbie – please forgive us! We miss your parties… I mean, we’ve missed you.

BARBIE
Like…right now I got other more important problems to worry about

CLOE
What could be more important than…us?

BARBIE
Um – well – him…(gesturing to G.I. JOE who is crawling around on his stomach looking for "the enemy") and Ken…and Blaine

CLOE
Blain? Who’s Blain?

BARBIE
That Australian surfer dude laying on the ground over there
(The BRATZ dolls hop over to where BLAIN is laying, staring at him)

CLOE
Hey – he’s cute

BLAIN

(lifting his head and looking up)
Mummy? Is it time for din-dins yet?

BARBIE
See what I mean?

KEN
Hey ladies – remember me? We surfed together?

CLOE
Is he still hanging around?

G.I. JOE
Okay ladies. Hands up in the air! How do I know you’re who you say you are? Gimme some proof. They gotta gimme proof, babe, or you know what I gotta do!

BARBIE
(slapping G.I. JOE across the face after each word)
You (slap)-stop (slap)-that (slap)-talk (slap)-right (slap)-now!

PLAYWRIGHTVILLE

(the imaginary level of consciousness where rejected playwrights address the characters in their play)

by Eleanor Tylbor

Ellie has to break the bad news - again.

FEMALE CHARACTER
Uh-oh... I sense bad news is on the way

MALE CHARACTER
How do you know?

FEMALE CHARACTER
How do I know? How-do-I-know? Do you hav'ta ask that? Can't you feel the bad vibes?

MALE CHARACTER
I thought it was just a bad case of indigestion from all the popcorn she ate last night. She always pigs out on popcorn when her plays are rejected

FEMALE CHARACTER
Yeah - don't we know it! At least it's the diet kind. Okay - steel yourself now! It's coming...

ELLIE
Um - people...characters from my play... No. Friends

FEMALE CHARACTER
Okay. We get the picture. Been there, heard that. Now just cut to the chase. So?

ELLIE
Well there's good news and bad news

MALE CHARACTER
Do we get a choice which one we wanna hear first?

FEMALE CHARACTER
Oh pleeze! Just let her divest herself of all her angst will you, so that we can get on with our so-called purpose in life?

ELLIE
Ahem... The good news is that I entered the BBC International Playwriting Competition

FEMALE CHARACTERThat's it? You entered a competition? That's all the good news you have to tell us? Oh gawd - here it comes...

ELLIE
Well...I didn't win

FEMALE CHARACTER
This dear playwright, is not news. You are aware that we have been in this state for years now waiting...waiting...waiting for the call that never comes. Y'know - it's not easy being characters from a play longing to share ourselves with theatre audiences. The stage! The lights! The applause! Never to hear applause...

ELLIE
What can I say? Maybe I should just do another re-write

MALE CHARACTER
A re-write? Is that...like really necessary? I mean...the play does make a strong statement

FEMALE CHARACTER
Wait a minute. You won't change our characters, will you? You do like us, right?

ELLIE
Of course. I just want to tighten up the dialogue, is all. You'll be happy to hear that I'm going to have a public reading

MALE CHARACTERFantastic! At last real people will get to know us and who knows where that could lead!

ELLIE
Now all I hav'ta do is find some people. It can't be just anybody off the street, y'know!

FEMALE CHARACTER
Why not? A body is a body is a body. At least they're real people

ELLIE
Yeah - I suppose. Now all I hav'ta do is spread the word and set it all up...

MALE CHARACTER
We'll be waiting. We're always waiting

FEMALE CHARACTER
Ain't that the truth!

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE, worried that G.I. JOE is “losing it” and concerned that she might end up losing BLAIN, her ex-but-maybe-with-a-little luck Australian surfer boyfriend who has been rendered semi-unconscious as a result of plastic bullets to his head, has broached the subject of breaking up with G.I. JOE

BARBIE
Did you hear what I said, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Whad’ya mean?

BARBIE
Whad’ya mean, what do I mean? I meant exactly what I told you

G.I. JOE
(deep in thought)
Uh-huh. What did you say, again?

BARBIE
Um… Let me think…

(BLAIN, gains consciousness and picks up his head)

BLAIN
She means she wants to break up with you, mate!

BARBIE
Blain! You’re back! Oh praise be!

BLAIN
Mummy? I gotta go potty!

BARBIE
Like…maybe I spoke too soon

G.I. JOE
What does he mean?

BARBIE
Silly! That’s just Australian for he hast’a pee!

G.I. JOE
Good because I thought he was saying that you wanna leave me. I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever did… Leave, that is

BARBIE
(nervous)

Well… You know, G.I. sometimes – um – two people – um – who have been seeing each other – um – for too long… I mean, who know each other a long time, need to – um…um… Need a rest from each other. Know what I’m trying to say?

G.I. JOE
(thinking deeply)
No

BARBIE
What I’m trying to say is… Perhaps we should go our own ways for a while - but just for a while of course

G.I. JOE
Of course – I get it!

BARBIE
(relieved)
Whew! You do?

G.I. JOE
D’ya think I’m stoopid or something? Of course I understand!

BARBIE
You’ll always be a friend, G.I. and even though we may be apart, you’ll be close in my heart

G.I. JOE
You wanna go shopping by yourself. Right? I mean, I could drive you if you want but I’ll wait outside. That’s okay. I won’t go in with you and force them to serve you first if that’s what you want. I’ll just wait outside in my tank on guard ‘til you’re finished

BARBIE
(whistfully)
Oh G.I. That’s not exactly what I had in mind

G.I. JOE
So you want me to go in and help you choose clothes like always?

BARBIE
Not! Look G.I. – let me make this so you understand. Sometimes two people who’ve known each other for a long time like us…

G.I. JOE
Yeah – we been friends since we were kids and I got my first weapon. Remember? I used to walk you home and nobody would bother you when I’m around. No-one!

BARBIE
That’s exactly what I mean, G.I.!

G.I. JOE
You want me to walk you home, again? I could y’know! All you gotta do is ask! We could hold hands and skip…

BARBIE
(frustrated)
No G.I. I don’t need you to walk me home anymore! In fact I don’t need you! That’s the point!

G.I. JOE
I don’t get it

BARBIE
That’s the problem in a nutshell!

G.I. JOE
(lost in thought)
You want I should crack open some nuts for you? I mean, that’s weird but look – if my Barbie wants nuts…

BARBIE
(to herself)
…don’t finish that sentence, Barbie… Here’s it is. Plain and simple. We have to stop seeing each other

G.I. JOE
You want I should close my eyes?

BARBIE
(very frustrated)
No G.I. I want you and me to take a rest from each other!

G.I. JOE
You mean…

BARBIE
You go your way and I’ll go mine

G.I. JOE
Oh. So… It’s…him, isn’t it?

(points at the still unconscious BLAIN)

G.I. JOE
First it’s Ken and now this…this…surfer dude is trying to steal you away from me!

(BLAIN stirs and lifts his head)

BLAIN
Daddy? I wanna go surfing!

G.I. JOE
Well… He’s gonna have to fight me for you. (does karate chops in the air) My hands are a lethal weapon, y’know!

BARBIE
I know – oh how I know!

G.I. JOE
Where’s my weapon…

BARBIE
Please – no more violence. That’s the problem, G.I. That’s your way of handling everything

G.I. JOE
Hey! A soldier hast’a do what a soldier…

BARBIE
…hast’a do. I know. Go! Please leave – now –before things get out of hand, again

G.I. JOE
(pulling up BLAIN by the hair)
Hey – you! Surfer dude! You ain’t gonna get my Barbie without a fight! Got that?

(G.I. JOE drops BLAIN’s head, which falls on to the ground)

BLAIN
‘Mary had a little lamb…little lamb…little lamb…’
G.I. JOE
See Barbie? He’s a sissy, through-and-through. Who’s Mary? Your girl-friend, sissy-boy? Well – I’m off

BARBIE
That’s the truest thing you’ve said in a long time

G.I. JOE
I’m gonna prepare to defend your honor.

BARBIE
No – please! I don’t want that…

G.I. JOE
Sorry babe but a soldier has’ta…

BARBIE
…been there, heard that

(a familiar voice suddenly breaks the tension)

KEN
Hi-dee-hi-and ho-di-ho, people. Never fear - your Ken is near

BARBIE
Oh gawd! Just what I need now

(Question du Jour: With Ken’s arrival, will the situation become even more complicated than it is? Will Ken take sides and if so, who will he support: his old “friend” or a fellow surfer?)

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

June 18, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: After G.I. JOE's attempt to throw BLAIN, BARBIE's ex-but-hopefully-to-be-once-again-boyfriend, over his shoulder to transport him to the hospital, they have finally reached Mercyful Hospital with G.I. JOE riding shotgun on a tank.

BARBIEPlease - like...can somebody lend a hand here?

G.I. JOE
(jumping down off his tank)
Here - lemme show you how a soldier does it

BARBIENo! I mean - you've done enough to...I mean, for us already

G.I. JOEAnything for you, babe!

BARBIE

Hello? We need a doctor - like...now!

G.I. JOEHey! Did I ever tell you that I got my first-aid badge. We don't need no doctors...

BARBIENo...thank you, G.I. Why don't we get another opinion from a real doctor?

G.I. JOEOkay but I saved my pooch, Bullet, when he got hit by a ve-hi-cle last year

BARBIEBut...you hit him, G.I.!

G.I. JOEHey - it was an accident, okay? It ain't my fault the dog fell off during manoeuvers!

BARBIEBut did you have to run over him three times?

G.I. JOEHow was I supposed t'know he wasn't an enemy pooch?

BARBIE
Why do I bother... Hello? Somebody? Anybody?

G.I. JOEHere - lemme get somebody. It takes a soldier t'get things done around here...

(G.I. JOE runs inside the hospital and exits with a doctor slung over his shoulder, screaming)

DOCTORHelp! Help! This man is a lunatic!

G.I. JOE
Aw - thank you doc! Ain't that nice of him t'say, Barbie?

BARBIEPut-him-down, G.I.! Please? For me, your Barbie?

(G.I. JOE lowers the physician to the ground)

(BARBIE cont'd.) You'll have to forgive my friend G.I. Joe. He's a little over-protective

DOCTORForgive him? Forgive him? I'm calling the cops! The man's a real danger to society. I'm gonna have him locked up...

(physician produces cell phone and starts to dial)

G.I. JOEUh-oh... We have an enemy agent here calling his bad guy friends...

(G.I. JOE whips out a sling shot from his back pocket and aims it at physician and hits him on
the cheek)

DOCTORWhat the... That hurt! This man is really dangerous!

G.I. JOE
And don't you forget it! I know your type... Pretend to be a friendly doc but inside you're really the enemy trying to take over the world. I bet you don't even work here, do you? Let everyone think you can fix boo-boos but all you really want is in-for-ma-tion.

(G.I. JOE walks over to the physician who responds by running back into the hospital)

(G.I. JOE cont'd) Ha! I showed him! Coward! He won't be botherin' you again, babe!

BARBIEOh gawd, G.I. What have you done?

G.I. JOENo need t'thank me!

BARBIEWe need a doctor, now! Blain here needs help

(BLAIN starts to stir)

BLAINMummy - is that you? I got a boo-boo that hurts bad, mommy.

(The sound of police sirens can be heard causing G.I. JOE to retreat back into his tank)

G.I. JOE
C'mon Barbie - the enemy has found us but your G.I. JOE will keep you safe from harm

BARBIEThat's the problem, G.I.

G.I. JOEWhat is?

BARBIE
Your trying to keep me safe. Perhaps we should part ways...

G.I. JOE
Whad'ya mean?

BARBIE
You know - um - separate?

G.I. JOE
I don't get it

BARBIEThat's the problem. Let me put it this way: I think we should break up

Questions du jour: How will G.I. Joe take to a possible breakup with his Barbie? Will surfer dude Blain get the help he needs? How will G.I. Joe deal with the arrival of the police?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
(The continuing story about life among the plastic people)

By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: Having revived BLAIN, the Australian surfer dude and love of BARBIE’s life, G.I. JOE has asked BARBIE about the geographical location of Australia

BARBIE
What are you trying to tell me, G.I.?

G.I. JOE
Hey! Is that the place where them there giant jumping mice live? ‘Cause if it is – I can get some of my men together and we can go hunt them down and…

BARBIE
Like…pleeze, G.I.! Is that all you care about? Killing and maiming? You are so violent!

G.I. JOE
Thank you. I know. Gawd I love it when you use those big words. You’re so smart, babe!

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s plastic head but it continually slips out of her inflexible hands and she ends up dropping his head on the ground)

BARBIE
Like…I’m soooo sorry. Blain? Are you okay, baby?

BLAIN
(mumbling)
Wha’? Hear? Surf’s up! Where’s my board…get my board please, mummy

BARBIE
Oh Blain…honey! It’s me, your Barbie doll!

BLAIN
Mummy? I have a boo-boo on my head. It hurts baaaaad

G.I. JOE
I dunno, babe! Sounds suspish..sustik… Could be an enemy. Better frisk him…

BLAIN
(dazed)
Daddy? Is that you?

G.I. JOE
Hey! I ain’t your dad! I’m a soldier and don’t you forget it. Ten-shun!

BLAIN
I see pretty stars floating in front of my eyes. Do you see them too? Let’s catch one

G.I. JOE
Stars? Oh…you mean the stars on this here u-ni-form I’m wearing! Wanna know what they’re for? See…this here one…

BLAIN
Twinkle, twinkle little staaaarrrr…how I wonder where you arrrrre…

G.I. JOE
…is for foldin’ my clothes nicely and this here one is…

BLAIN
…high above the earth so high…

G.I. JOE
…I got for brushin’ my teeth three times a day…

BARBIE
We have to get Blain to a hospital!

G.I. JOE
Hospital? We don’t need no hospital. See this here badge? I got that for First Aid. Your G.I. Joe can fix his boo-boo, lickety-split. Even faster than that

BARBIE
Like…don’t think I don’t appreciate the offer but I think my sweetie here…I mean to say, Blain here, needs a real hospital where real doctors…

G.I. JOE
Hey! Whad’ya mean, ‘real doctors’? They don’t give these here badgers…

BARBIE
…badges…

G.I. JOE
Huh? That’s what I said

BARBIE
Like…you said, BADGERS

G.I. JOE
Yeah. Badgers.

BARBIE
They’re B-A-D-G-E-S

G.I. JOE
Badgers…badges. What’s the difference?

BARBIE
A lot. One is an animal and the other is a… Why am I bothering to explain?

(G.I. JOE checks in a pocket and produces a band aid)

G.I. JOE
(Cont’d.) Here it is! I knew I had one on me…it’s a little old but it’s still good. So where’s the cut?

BARBIE
Um… Why don’t you talk with the doctors…just to make sure of course that they know what they’re doing? Here – let’s use my cell phone to call

(KEN suddenly walks out of the woods, running towards BARBIE and G.I. JOE, holding a surf board)

KEN
Hey Barbie! Surf’s up! Grab your…

BLAIN
(groggy)
Surf…gotta surf…

G.I. JOE
At ease, soldier! You’re in no state to surf. Here – lemme put this here band aid on your boo-boo…

KEN
Oh? Who do we have here? Blain? You whale scum! Shark doo-doo…

BARBIE
Um…Ken. Can you keep that for after? G.I. Joe here, like…got a little excited and like…hit him on the head with plastic bullets

KEN
You mean…Blain here is hurt? Oh my poor ba-by boy!. I mean, the idiot. He should be in a hospital getting proper care

G.I. JOE
Hey! He is getting cared for by me! I know all about fixin’ boo-boos!

KEN
(staring at him for ten seconds)
We can transport him to a hospital on my surf board. Now you take his arms Barbie, and I’ll take his legs…

(BARBIE and KEN attempt to bend over and grasp BLAIN’s legs and arms without success. As BARBIE picks up his arms, KEN drops his legs and vice-versa)

G.I. JOE
Here – let a soldier show you how it’s done

(G.I. JOE grabs BLAIN’s arms and attempts to throw him over his soldier but misses. BLAIN is propelled over G.I. JOE’s soldier, screaming all the while)

G.I. JOE
Whooops…

(to be continued)

Question du jour: will BLAIN receive the necessary medical help he requires?

©Eleanor Tylbor, 2007

Writers & Friends

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BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
The continuing story
By Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: BARBIE HAS RUSHED BACK TO HER BEACH HOUSE UPON HEARING A SOUND RESEMBLING A GUN SHOT. SHE SEES BLAIN, HER USED-TO-BE-BOYFRIEND SPRAWLED ON THE GROUND, WITH G.I. JOE CROUCHED NEARBY. AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL TRIES TO CROUCH DOWN NEXT TO HIM DUE TO HER UNYIELDING STIFF PLASTIC BODY, BARBIE DROPS ON TO THE GROUND, FACE-FIRST, HANDS IN THE AIR

BARBIE
Like…ohmygawd! Blain – honey! Wake up. Your Barbie is here!

G.I. JOE
(walking over to her, gun aimed at BLAIN)
Don’t worry, babe. The intruder has been neutralized. Wait just a G.I. moment here! ‘Blain - honey?’ Whad’ya mean by that?

BARBIE
(flipping on to her back)
Well… I mean…like… Blain is from Australia and…like…his family owns a honey farm. Yeah – that’s it. A honey farm. Um…G.I. – would you bend me into a sitting position?

G.I. JOE
Sure. I can do that with these muscular arms. Oh so then….and I thought you were…well…y’know…talkin’ to him like he was your boyfriend or something

BARBIE
Him? My boyfriend? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Don’t be a silly soldier, G.I. Joe! Friends – we’re just friends!

G.I. JOE
Good ‘cause… you know I’m the only real man in your life, babe.

BARBIE
Do I have a choice?

(BARBIE attempts to cradle BLAIN’s head in her plastic hands but his head keeps slipping down. Finally, she drops his head on the ground)

(cont’d.) Oh the angst of being a fashionista cursed with hands that won’t bend! What did you do to him, G.I. Joe?

G.I. JOE
Like I told you – I neutralized him. Yup…he won’t be botherin’ you no more

BARBIE
Any more

G.I. JOE
Huh? What?

BARBIE
ANY more

G.I. JOE
Any more of what?

BARBIE
Sometimes G.I. Joe, you’re such an ignoramus

G.I. JOE
I know and that’s why you love me, babe! Gawd I love it when you talk like that!

BARBIE
So tell me what happened to Blain

G.I. JOE
Happened? Blain?

BARBIE
Blain? The guy who is laying here? Did you…shoot him? Tell me you didn’t shoot him! Hold on – like… you use only plastic bullets, thank goodness

G.I. JOE
Plastic bullets can make a big boo-boo, too, y’know!

BARBIE
Oh you got one big boo-boo and its sitting right on top of your neck

(G.I. JOE opens up jacket and displays two hand grenades hanging on string from around his neck)

G.I. JOE

How’d you like these babies? Ken gave them to me after you two had your talk. ‘One for you and one for Barbie’, he told me. That Ken – such a good guy t’gimme hand grenades!

BARBIE
Ken’s…all heart, alright.

(BLAIN starts to stir)

(cont’d) Blain! Oh Blain! You’re okay!

G.I. JOE
Move aside, babe. I’ll finish him off for good this time

(BARBIE rolls around and manages to throw herself on top of BLAIN)

(cont’d) Stop! He’s not the enemy, G.I. Joe!

G.I. JOE
The enemy is everywhere and wears different disguises! He may look like a surfer to you, but I know different. Oh yeah I know alright! I can smell the enemy

BARBIE
That’s …like…your new Macho Man deodorant! He’s a surfer dude! That’s all!

G.I. JOE
Bwahahahahahahaha! Silly Barbie! I found him noseying around your beach house. If he was like you say he was… What did you say he was again?

BARBIE
Blain? The Australian surfer?

G.I. JOE
Oh yeah. Right. Blain... Well he had it coming!

BARBIE
What did he ever do to you?

G.I. JOE
Well…um… He was sniffin’ around my girlfriend’s house and that’s enough for me! Sniffing around is as good as guilty

BARBIE
We really have to talk about our relationship, after.

G.I. JOE
G.I. Joe don’t talk, babe! I’m a man of action! Move away from…whoever

(BLAIN stirs)

BLAIN
I can’t breathe!

(BARBIE attempts to get into a standing position but experiencing problems with her body not bending)

BARBIE
Um…G.I. Joe – could you help me stand up?

G.I. JOE
Sure babe.

(G.I. JOE extends both his muscular arms and helps BARBIE up on her feet)

(Cont’d. G.I. JOE) Feel my arms? Full of muscle

BARBIE
Oh you’re full of more than muscle

G.I. JOE
I know. I workout every two hours. Your Austrian friend Blain there…

BARBIE
…Australian friend Blain…

G.I. JOE
Whatever…Austria…Australia… It’s almost spelled the same… A couple more or less letters… Wait a minute here. Did you say AUSTRALIA???

BARBIE
What are you telling me, G.I.?

TO BE CONTINUED…
What will G.I. Joe tell BARBIE about “the accident?”
©2007, Eleanor Tylbor

/

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE

The continuing story

SCENE: KEN has shown up at Barbie's beach house where BARBIE, G.I. JOE and her friends are...partying. BARBIE has convinced G.I. JOE to stay back and keep watch over the house and the party while she i.e. BARBIE, takes a walk on the beach with KEN.



KEN
Wow! This is nice. Just like the old days, babe! Me...you...

BARBIE
Um...Ken...I think we should talk

KEN
...the water and our surfboards. Remember, Barbie, before...he came along?

BARBIE
I think our problems go back much further than that

KEN
...we bought matching surfboards... Remember?

BARBIE
Focus Ken! Try and focus!

KEN
But those were such great times! You hav'ta admit they were great times... Okay. I'm focused now

BARBIE
Listen - true we were...

KEN
Hear? Is that a bigggg wave coming in? I think it is! Why don't we go get our surfboard and...

BARBIE
Forget about the wave, 'kay? Now look into my eyes, Ken. Like...we hav'ta talk!

(BARBIE holds KEN's head between her extended plastic hands but KEN attempts to move his plastic head towards the ocean)

(cont'd BARBIE) Ken! Pay attention! Things have changed. I've changed and evolved! Like...now I have a whole new line of clothing...I'm a big celeb. I've evolved!

KEN
Me too! I can hang out with your gang! I use'ta be a star! Remember?

BARBIE
Like...see...that's the problem, Ken. You used to be a star but now you're just normal. Average, even. Get it?

KEN
Um...yes... No - not really

BARBIE
Okay. Like...listen. I'm this really big well-known celebrity and you - well - you are a guy who likes to surf with only one outfit to wear. It just won't work!

KEN
What if I...give up surfing?

(KEN pivots as if he's on a surf board while talking to BARBIE)

BARBIE
Like...it just won't work, Ken. Look at the way you dress. You've been wearing those same surfing trunks ever since we met. It's like - disgusting!

KEN
Hey - I hit the waves every day so they're always clean!

BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... My poor Ken. Hit one too many times on the head with your surf board. You just don't get it, do you?

KEN
Huh? Get what? You want I should go get our surfboards 'cause if that's what you want, it won't take more than a couple hours if I leave right now...

BARBIE
I give up! Let's go back

KEN
Are you sure you don't wanna ride the waves? You use'ta like that

BARBIE
No Ken - I do-not-want-to-ride-the-waves with you

KEN
Are you riding the waves with somebody else 'cause if you are... I mean to say, if you is... Is there someone else? Is it G.I. Joe?

BARBIE
G.I. is just a friend, Ken, although he doesn't want to believe it.

(As they walk back, the sound of loud bangs resembling gun shots breaks the stillness of the night)

KEN
Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that

BARBIE
Like...ohmygawd! I just hope it isn't...I pray that it isn't...

KEN
Yeah. Me too. Nothing spoils a night of surfing like a thunder storm. The last time I surfed during a storm, my board got hit with a bolt of lightning. I was unconscious for a good two minutes.

BARBIE
That would explain a lot. Uh-oh...is that G.I. Joe out there on the lawn?

(As they near BARBIE's beach house, BARBIE and KEN spot GI JOE shooting away wildly at...something)

(BARBIE cont'd) G.I. Joe! What are you doing?

G.I. JOE
It's okay, babe! Spotted an intruder and I took care of the problem. He'll never bother you again

(BARBIE, walking on tippy-toes with KEN lagging behind, rushes over and after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get down on her knees, she bends over at the waist to see who the intruder is)

BARBIE
(gasping)
Like...omygawd! You've shot...

G.I. JOE
Yeah. No need to thank me, babe! I'm a trained sharp-shooter!

BARBIE
You...you...idiot!

G.I. JOE
Aw babe! You always say the nicest things!

BARBIE
You shot Blain, the Australian surfer dude.

G.I. JOE
He's the enemy, babe! A guy has'ta do what a guy has'ta do!

BARBIE
Ken - call the beach rescue

KEN
Uh-oh! Surf's up! Gotta go!

(KEN rushes off, leaving BARBIE and G.I. JOE alone)

G.I. JOE
No need t'thank me, babe

(BARBIE opens her Barbie carry-all purse and produces her cell phone)

BARBIE
'Hello - send an ambulance right away to Barbie's Fun'n'Famous Celebrity Beach House right away!'

A FOLLOW UP...the playwriting angst continues or...'hello - is anybody out there?'


As is the case with most if not all playwrights, I'm always seeking a suitable theatre in which to submit my plays and when I come accross one that is tailor-made for my purposes, it fills my heart with hope.

H-O-P-E. A four letter word that means confidence, faith, daydream, promise...among other upbeat and positive words. When it comes to playwriting, sometimes that's all we have.

Three months ago I submitted one of my plays to a theatre that deals specifically with humor. I'm reading over the information blurb on their site describing the theatre and their needs while thinking to myself: this could be a good match. Both of my plays are comedies and since the theatre accept electronic submissions, I send them/it "Gin: An Allegory For Playing the Game of Life."

Whenever a play is sent electronically there is for me, anyway, a creeping doubt that grows with the passing of days as to whether or not the recipient received the play. The theatre in question acknowledged receipt of the play within a two day period adding that playwrights will be notified as to whether their plays will be used within a month.

One month passes and no news one way or the other so I try to keep a positive state of mind assuring myself that no news is good news, even if deep in my heart and soul this is not necessarily the case at all. My anxiety replaces common sense as it frequently does and I send off follow-up query #1.

"Hi there, ---," I write attempting to sound up beat and cheerful and not to incur the recipient's wrath. "Hate to be a pain and/or pest but... Could you please let me know one way or the other, as to the fate of my play, "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life" submitted to you by e-mail on ----. Any type of update would be most appreciated."

This was followed up with query #2 reminding the recipient that the deadline for the promised response had passed and I was waiting anxiously (to say the least) for news.

Still nothing.

Today follow-up #3 was sent: "Since I haven't heard back from you one way or the other and you mentioned in an e-mail that you would be notifying playwrights regarding the fate of their plays in February, which has long since passed, and in spite of two previous requests for information, I would very much appreciate knowing whether you plan to use my play, "Gin..." Any news is better than no news for we playwrights."

And so I wait - and hope. There's that four-letter word again but what else do we have?


Writers & Friends
www.jrslater.com/forum

Some further thoughts about playwriting and "the craft."

There is a lot written by playwrights, playwriting authors and the like regarding form when submitting plays. This is something that has been on my mind since encountering problems numbering the pages of a play. Try as I might/may the computer and/or my latest Explorer version refuses to number the play in Roman and Arabic numerals. Like...life is complicated enough writing a play, period! I wonder if William Shakespere had the same concerns. Doubtful since he used a quill and ink. Wonder what would happen if a/theatres received a play submission written in pen and ink.

Here's one for the unaware-of-the-concept that crocodiles+available human=snack.

This definitely belongs in the people-unaware-of-the-end-result or he-should-have-known-better file.

So this man who is a zoo veterinarian no less indicating that he has experience with dangerous animals, enters the crocodile compound or cage or whatever and wherever crocs live, in Taiwan. According to the report he was in the crocodile's cage to give it an aenesthetic dart since it was sick, given the crocs propensity to bite without provocation. At the point where he was about to remove the tranquilizer dart and not noticing that it i.e. the croc, wasn't fully aenesthesised, the crocodile made its move biting off the man's fore-arm.

Again, it makes one (me) wonder how a person in his i.e. the veterinarian's situation could have missed this very important fact or reality.

Initial reports indicated that shots fired at the crocodile by a co-worker killed the beast however an updated report now claims that no bullet holes have been found in its hide.

Darn - there goes another crocodile purse! Seriously though...

According to a zoo worker the crocodile was shocked perhaps at the fact that it was a target and opened its mouth to let go of the arm. A video report shows the police officer firing at the animal to retrieve the arm.

Anyway...the bottom line to all of this is that the arm was rushed to the hospital where it was re-attached. Here is the "before" photo:

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21543403-2,00.html

There is no report on how the crocodile is doing.

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE...the continuing story...

KEN

I'm a boy-toy

BARBIE

Say what?

KEN

I'm a boy-toy? A celebrity! Like Justin Timberlake? Sanjaya Malakar?

GI JOE

Sanjaya M-M-Ma... Hey! Isn't he the enemy? I'm gonna find him and...

BARBIE

Down GI! Sit!

KEN

People know me all over the world. I got a reputation!

BARBIE

You said a mouthful

KEN

Said what?

BARBIE

What you just told me

KEN

What I say?

GI JOE

You want me to shoot him now, babe?

KEN

Can we talk without him hanging around all the time?

BARBIE

We have nothing more to say to each other, Ken

GI JOE

Yeah. She has nothing to say to you. Right babe? Is it time yet? 'Cause if it is me and my trusty friend here...

(GI JOE pats his weapon affectionately)

(cont'd.) GI JOE

Gawd I love this! We go back a long way

KEN

Give me another chance and you won?t be sorry!

BARBIE

I suppose it doesn't hurt to listen

GI JOE

You gonna give this nambly-pambly, whussy-pussy chicky-wicky another chance? I say... let's use him for target practice! Lemme just re-load here...

KEN

Look at what you're reduced to dating, Barbie. This...this...hot-headed lunatic...

GI JOE

Thank you!

KEN

Let's take a walk on the beach

GI JOE

Me and my friend here'll back you up, babe

BARBIE

You stay, GI, and guard the house against intruders but no shooting this time. Okay?

GI JOE

Aw!

BARBIE

Promise me, GI!

GI JOE

Do I ha'v'ta?

BARBIE

Promise me!

GI JOE

Oh...alright! No fun without bullets...

(BARBIE AND KEN start to walk down the hill to the beach. Suddenly they stop)

BARBIE

Like...don't take this the wrong way but like...could you maybe change your bathing suit?

KEN

But...this is all I hav'ta wear! I mean, Ken without this bathing suit is like...

BARBIE

...a new Ken. Maybe you should speak to Blain. That's this Australian hunk I dated but he left me for that Paris Hilton person. I know! Why don't we both go talk to Blain. Isn't that a great idea! I'm sure I could convince him... I mean, the guy's got a whole wardrobe of clothes and I'm sure he would be willing to share

KEN

I dunno. You use to date him and...

BARBIE

Well, if you're so insecure about us...

KEN

Us? You did say...US?

(to be continued...)

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE

SCENE:A PARTY AT A MALIBU BEACH HOUSE. THERE IS MUSIC IN THE AIR AND THROUGH THE PICTURE WINDOW, WE CAN SEE BARBIE AND HER FRIENDS DANCING IT UP (on tippy-toes). A CONVERTIBLE DRIVES UP AND KEN, DRESSED IN HIS USUAL SURFING GEAR, GETS OUT AND HIDES BEHIND BUSHES AND PEERS INSIDE. SUDDENLY, GI JOE HOLDING HIS EVER-PRESENT WEAPON LOOKS OUT A HUGE PICTURE WINDOW. THE DOOR OF THE BEACH HOUSE OPENS AND GI JOE STANDS AT THE DOORWAY.


GI JOE
Who's there? Is somebody hiding 'cause if you are and I catch you, I'll blast the living daylights...

(BARBIE JOINS GI JOE)

BARBIE
Oh Joe! Just stop it right now! You are like...soooo paranoid

GI JOE
Thanks! That's what everyone tells me

BARBIE
Please come in and close the door! You're like...embarrassing me in front of my friends

GI JOE
Them Bratz babes? Lemme tell you Barbie doll - they ain't your friends! You should hear what they say about you behind your back

BARBIE
You know I can't see or hear what's going on behind my back! I can't even turn my head without help...or even scratch an itch

GI JOE
Me neither...but I hear all of them whispering

BARBIE
Oh plleeze! You see plots everywhere! I can't find any kitchen help because you insist on frisking the help every five minutes

GI JOE
Hey - me and the pool guy are close friends now

BARBIE
I heard...very close friends

GI JOE
Ssssh....hear that?

BARBIE
What? I don't hear anything

GI JOEWell I do! I'm trained to hear. My ears are a lethal weapon

BARBIE
So is your brain

GI JOE
Thank you! Love 'ya babe! Uh-oh! There's somebody hiding somewhere!

BARBIE
It's probably just Paris Hilton's dog in heat again. The dog is always hot for my chiuahua, Mimi.

GI JOE
No - it's a human...and...it's hiding somewhere....over there!(

GI JOE RUNS OVER TO THE BUSHES WHERE KEN IS HIDING)

GI JOE
Whoever is in there better show your face or I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions later. Wait a minute... I'm gonna ask questions and then shoot later... Something like that

(KEN SLOWLY STANDS UP)

KEN
Don't shoot! It's me, Joe! Ken! Remember? Our fun games at my beach house? I dress up like nurse and you...

GI JOE
Yeah...I remember. My soldier senses tell me that you're... an enemy! Sorry but I gotta blast you, Kenny boy

KEN
No! I swear! I'm a friend!

BARBIE
Ken? Is that you? How many more times do I have to tell you that we're through?

GI JOE
'ya want me to shoot him, babe? 'Cause I can! Just say the word!

KEN
No! You can't shoot me because...because...

HELLO? ANYBODY OUT THERE? THE RESPONSE

Sharing one's thoughts and feelings in a blog occasionally results in a comment or two. In fact some thoughts expressed in a recent blog addressing the issue and/or angst of non-responses by theatres/readers to submissions, elicited a response by "anonymous." As an aside but pertinent to the signature, "anonymous," newspapers will not acknowledge the views of anyone without providing a legitimate signature but we'll overlook this, being that this is a blog.

************************************************************************************

Dear Mr/Ms Anonymous,

As playwrights know only too well, non-responses are an unsavory reality of submitting one's play. Think of it in terms of a creator working and devoting a great deal of time and effort on a piece, sharing it with someone i.e. a stranger, who you believe to be sensitive to and familiar with the field in which you are working, only to be ignored. Nada! Nothing. Zip! It's so common that it's a given in which few playwrights AND scriptwriters too, comment upon.

Scripts/plays are sent out and at the very least you hope to hear whether or not it was received. So e-mail number one is sent sometimes resulting in an acknowledgement while other times...nothing.

Am I desperate to get my play(s) produced? You bet and so are we (as in playwrights collectively) all! Are we up against stiff competition? You bet and many of whom are local and well-known in the geographical location in which they reside. It is for this very reason that not receiving anything one way or the other becomes an issue. I would even settle for "you-gotta-be-kidding playwright - your play sucks big time!" but would prefer to read: "your play is currently being read and we'll get back to you with a decision one way or the other."

Anything is better than nothing and any news is better than no news or that dreaded silence. As an aside the artistic director mentioned when the play was submitted that she would get back to everyone in mid-February. Still there has been no news. I should be used to it by now but it never gets easier.

By the way anonymous - what have you written lately?

Dearest Willy Shookaspear! So good to hear from you, guy!

Upon my word (and sentences) I was surprised - pleasantly so - to receive your most welcome letter! Yes, dear, dear, literary friend of mine: I'm still sending-and-waiting but not necessarily in that order. On occasion I wait and then send. Either way the result is the same.

Please forgive me for noting that you too are experiencing a similar problem as me. One cannot help but ponder those words, 'cannot sendeth it, fatal error, address not known.' Doth thou think there's a conspiracy afoot (or arm)? It is even more surprising given your reputation and establishment within literary community!

Perhaps - just perhaps - the delay in response might be as a result of sending my plays through the snail-mail method. Actually and until you brought the subject up, it hadn't occurred to me that my plays, although sent some years back, may never have reached their destination. Perhaps - just perhaps - they are still in transit! Or - horrors-of-horrors and I hate to think about this prospect - they may somehow have ended up in France where snail-mail takes on a whole new meaning! Don't know if you're aware of it but snail-mail-snails are selected specifically for their large-ish size and muscular makeup plus their ability to trek accross country but as you and I know, snails are known for their bad sense of direction. Hence, the distinct possibility that they might have asked for directions and were sent to a café in Normandy where their journey ended in a pool of oil and garlic. Oh the guilt and prospect of being a snail murderer is too much to bear!

I shall now take to bed with a jug of Grandmother Moliz Elder/Youngerberry Wine for comfort and reflect upon my erroneous-but-innocent action.Here's mud in your eye... Cheers... L'chaim...and all that.

Your friend (and snail you-know-what),

Eleanor

Hello? Is there anybody out there? An anxious playwright needs to know!

I've been submitting my plays as playwrights are expected to do, to various theatres and/or competitions. It is with hope in my heart each and every time I let go of one of a literary offspring that it will be greeted with respect and awe. Heavy emphasis on the awe.

It's not that I expect an instantaneous response because I realize and comprehend that theatre people lead busy lives. I think I speak (or write) for most playwrights reading this that an interim response would be most appreciated by playwrights. Something to the effect: 'dear playwright. We've received your play and are in the process of evaluating and making a decision.' Or, 'dear playwright. Thank you for submitting (always an omen of the dreaded next sentence to follow) to the blah-blah theatre but unfortunately your play has not been selected.' However, it's the dreaded silence that hurts and irks the most.

Each and every day the e-mail and snail-mail is checked in the hope that the fate of the play has been decided. The waiting period is enough to make a person turn to drink (as if playwrights need a reason)! What is an appropriate amount of time to allow for a decision? Two months...six months...longer?

Thing is - I'm neurotic and my imagination runs riot wondering what's happening at the "other end." Plays are read and re-read and I berate myself upon finding a misspelled word or an extra line between dialogue or a missing letter. What happens if "they" fault playwrights for grammatical errors or omissions?

"Uh-oh!" a reader - a stranger- hired to decide whether a play is suitable, might comment upon spotting a missing 'a' or 'e' and other letters. "This playwright didn't take enough time to proof her play. Too bad because it's really good!"

On occasion I have whipped off an e-mail to a theatre accompanied by a corrected and edited copy:

Dear blah-blah,

"Don't know how it happened but I sent you the wrong copy of my play," I will write them. "Please disregard the other copy and use the new one attached."

Even the closing of the e-mail suddenly takes on importance. Should it be: "thanks" in the way of a friendly or casual closure or "thank you" indicating a serious tone? My full name or my first name? Serious decisions, these!

Most recently I sent a followup... I lie. I sent three followups requesting any type of news. The latest one said:

"Hate to be a pain and/or pest but... Could you please let me know one way or the other, as to the fate of my play, "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life" submitted to you by e-mail. Any type of update would be most appreciated."

So now I wait...and wait...and wait but then don't we all?

KEN AND GI JOE CALL IT QUITS

They said it was a relationship doomed right from the beginning - and they were right. The word going around is that it's over between KEN and GI JOE. The two have gone their separate ways with Ken returning to his beloved beach and GI Joe keeping the world safe from and for...everybody.

Although both claimed they were "just friends" sharing Ken's beach house, neighbors complained about "unusual" noises in the middle of the night.

"Damn neighbors should mind their own damn business!" GI Joe commented, when reporters confronted him with this information. "It's getting to the point where a damn soldier can't practice his damn target shooting anymore!"

Police reports revealed that they had visited the house on many occasions responding to complaints by an anonymous caller who kept repeating, 'Barbie - save me!' over and over. A naked GI Joe would appear outside the house, rifle in hand screaming: "Who called you, huh? Must'a been that nambly-pambly, pussy-wussy, Ken. Come one step closer and your peeing days are over, guys!"

Friends and family members believed that the relationship was doomed from the start with Ken never getting over his break-up with Barbie and GI Joe's penchant for combat weapons. When told about the break-up Barbie commented that "Like...Ken's new look is all wrong for him. Y'know?"

Would the famous blond doll consider getting back together with her former boyfriend?

"Like...he's so yesterday," she commented. Barbie has been frequently seen tippy-toeing around town with Australian hunk, Blaine, and an entourage of Bratz dolls.

For his part Ken commented, "I'm through with action dolls."

More reports are forthcoming.

a. PLAYWRIGHT'S UPDATE - THE ON GOING ANGST CONTINUES...

"Been doing anything about your plays and your plan to get them produced, Eleanor?"

Well glad that you asked, friend, because I have already started things in motion towards this goal.

"So tell us what's happening! Share!"

To begin with I submitted my two-act play, "GIN - AN ALLEGORY FOR PLAYING THE GAME OF LIFE" to a theatre in Philadelphia. Don't want to mention the name in case it will be bad luck. Mind you given my track record... Still, when I get a response one way or the other, then I'll name-names.

"That's it, Eleanor? That's the only one?"

Well... I did submit my one-and-only one act play, "RETRIBUTION" to the BBC's International Playwriting Competition for radio for playwright's living anywhere in the world except Great Britain. This was a complete departure for me and it required a semi-rewrite to replace the physical directions with dialogue and sound effects. Actually, it was an interesting challenge. If I win (I should be so lucky!) I'll be flown to England and see my play being performed.

"Anything else you feel like sharing?"

For the second time I sent a short-short i.e. 10 minutes to a competition where plays are performed in the geographical location of the play's setting.

"Got any plans for the future?"

I'd like to find an outlet for my "A Night Out with Barbie and Ken and Other Mattel Dolls" if anyone reading this is interested. Very funny and entertaining. I envision it being performed as a doll theatre or even more interesting and challenging, with real live people acting out the roles of Barbie, GIJoe, Ken, Blaine and a Bratz doll.

Whenever there's news I'll report it here and provide the details in an update.

A NIGHT OUT WITH BARBIE, KEN AND OTHER PLASTIC FRIENDS
(a comedy sketch)

SCENE:TRENDY NIGHTCLUB/BAR.

BARBIE (of Barbie doll fame) dressed in one of her trendy and stylish outfits arrives at the door with an entourage of other Barbie-like dolls i.e. BRATZ. walking on tip-toe as in a doll-like fashion. GI JOE, dressed in army fatigues and chomping on a cigar enters directly behind them, walking backwards in a semi-crouched position clutching his automatic weapon pointed at a 45 degree angle, ready to shoot.

BARBIE
Like…Joe - could you… like…maybe lower that thingie? You’re like…embarrassing me! And did you have to wear that outfit in public? It’s like…so tack-y and the colors are so wrong for you!

GIJOE
(eyes darting around the room)
I told you babe - gotta carry it with me everywhere I go. The enemy is everywhere… Could even be - her!

(points and wavies weapon at a Bratz doll).

(cont'd) She could be a double agent! You a double-agent, babe? Lemme frisk you

BRATZ DOLL
(screaming in response)
Like…Barbie – maybe you should – like - drop him?

BARBIE
(whispering)
Like…you’re em-bar-ras-sing me again, Joe!(out loud) He’s so funny, this guy! Ha-ha-ha! What a weird-o!

GIJOE
(pulling down his fatigue pants)
Hey! I’m all man where it counts! Wanna see?

(the Bratz dolls focus at GIJOE’s crotch area)

BARBIE
(pulling up his pants)
Um- Joe - we’re out for a night of fun with our friends here. Couldn’t you, like, forget about your search for enemies for a while? For me? Pleeeeze?

GIJOE
(frisking the Bratz)
Friends? How d’ya know they’re you’re friends? Huh? They could be hiding weapons

BRATZ DOLL
He’s doing it again, Barbie! Make him stop!

BARBIE
(pulling JOE away from them)
Uh…Joe - could you move my arm up to my head? I’d like to check my always blond, never-needs-a-touch-up, perfect hair

GIJOE
(jerking Barbie’s arm upwards and then on her back)
Sure honey. Anything for my sweetie.

BARBIE
Um hon - could you stop now? My arm is on my back. Bring it forward a bit…not too much…a little more… There.

GIJOE
A soldier is always on the alert to help out whenever called upon. Uh-oh. Looks like we got us a bad guy at four o’clock

BARBIE
You’re not gonna shoot up the place again…Oh silly! It’s just Ken. He is like…sooo pathetic

(KEN, Barbie’s-ex stands at the door, dressed in beach gear and holding a surf board)

(cont'd)Look at what he’s wearing! Same old tired surfer’s gear. If I told him once, I told him a dozen times to update his outfit but did he listen? Noooooo! And he wonders why I, Barbie, the queen of the fashionistas, left him! He’s like…so pathetic!

(KEN spots Barbie and company and tip-toes in doll fashion, over to their table)

KEN
Hi Barbie! Hey Bratz girls! So…surf’s up!

BARBIE
Same old Ken wearing the same old tired outfit

KEN
Oh yeah? What about your army friend over there? Every time I see him, he’s wearing those filthy army fatigues. What makes him so great?

BARBIE
Well…he’s – um – brave and he – um – protects me and…

KEN
So? I can protect you, too

BARBIE
Like how? With your surfboard? Plleeeze! Get a life!

KEN
How can I have a life without you, babe? What’s Ken without Barbie? Life just ain’t the same since you been gone

(KEN stares off into the distance)

(cont'd) Uh-oh! Is that a big wave I see there?

BARBIE
Oh Ken, Ken, Ken… It’s just a waiter with a big tray serving drinks

KEN
Of course…I knew that…

BARBIE
You’re the same old Ken. All you think about is surfing and look at yourself. You’ve been wearing the same outfit for more than twenty years.

KEN
Hey - things are gonna be different! I got me some new stuff to wear in time for Valentine’s Day. Just a sec… I brought it along in my duffle…they’re letting me wear it early…

(KEN brings out a black t-shirt, black leather jacket and boots. He puts on the t-shirt, jacket over the bathing suit and the boots)

(cont'd) So? Whad’ya think? Am I cool or what?

BARBIE
It’s an improvement…but ditch the surf board

KEN
Ditch the surf board? I-I can’t! It’s part of who I am. We go to sleep together!

BARBIE
I remember – oh how I remember!

(the BRATZ dolls suddenly screech and rush to the entrance. A hunky blond masculine looking male, BLAINE, with straight blond-ish hair makes his way to them, walking tippy-toe in doll-like fashion)

BLAINE
G’day. You’re a spunky Sheila!

(GI JOE rushes over and points his gun at BLAINE)

GIJOE
Her name ain’t Sheila – it’s Barbie! Up against the wall…hands behind your back. Told you there’s agents everywhere!

BLAINE
‘Ey mate – easy on! I’m ‘ere for a good time! Look – I got lots of quid! See? I’m rich! Drinks for everyone! If someone could reach in my pocket…

(GIJOE frisks BLAINE and brings out lots of paper bills. BARBIE watches)

BARBIE
Pleased to meet you… What did you say your name was, again? My but you have nice clothes…

KEN
But…what about me? I have new clothes, too!

GIJOE
Get out of the way, Ken! I gotta frisk this guy again. He could be hiding hand grenades

KEN
There she goes. The love of my life.

GIJOE
She’s probably a double agent. Maybe YOU’RE a double agent. Here lemme frisk you…

(GI JOE frisks KEN)

KEN
Ohhhhh…that feels good… I mean, why don’t you come back to my beach house! I could teach you how to surf and we can frisk each other while riding the waves…

(GI JOE and KEN leave with KEN’s arm on top of GIJOE’s head as GI JOE continues to frisk him)

KEN
Oh I’m baaaaad….real baaaad…


© 2006 Eleanor Tylbor

PHONE TALK
(a comedy sketch)
by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE:
Two females – ELAINE AND SELMA – answer their cell/regular phones

ELAINE
Hello? Selma?

SELMA
Who are you and how d’ya know my name?

ELAINE
Gee – just lucky I guess! Get real, woman! It’s me!

SELMA
You…who?

ELAINE
Oh fer… Don’t you recognize the voice of your sister after all these years? I mean, really

SELMA
You sound different

ELAINE
(sniffing a few times)
I got a cold, that’s why!

SELMA
It is you, Elaine! Why didn’t you just say so?

ELAINE
I tried – God knows I tried! Moving right along…

SELMA
You’re sick? Stay away from me!

ELAINE
I can always count on you to have a sympathetic ear. Listen – I gotta go put drops in my nose so I’ll call you back

SELMA
Are you sure you should be talking to me? I mean – you could spread germs through the phone. These days you never know

ELAINE
Don’t take too long ‘cause I’m going out

(both hang up. Phones ring again)

SELMA
Hello?

ELAINE
It’s me again. Sorry – hadda take some new pills

SELMA
Oh? What kind?

SELMA
Go know! I take so many these days. Some for my sinus (she sniffs)…some for my throat (she coughs)… Yeah – lots of pills…

ELAINE
So what’s new?

SELMA
What could be new?

ELAINE
I dunno. That’s why I’m asking

(pause for 2 seconds)

SELMA
I lead a very boring life and most of it is spent in doctor’s waiting rooms

ELAINE
You? I have five appointments this week with five different doctors! Even they can’t find out what’s the matter with me

SELMA
Doctor Cohen sent me for tests, today

ELAINE
Your back?

SELMA
I never went away. Oh…you mean the problem with my crooked spine that pains me so badly? Same pain like always but what can you expect having Dr. Pain treating me…that quack!

ELAINE
A new doctor?

SELMA
That’s not his name. I just call him that. He keeps prescribing me pills that don’t work. I tell him, ‘doctor – gimme something that works!’ but does he listen? You should never know such pain. I suffer Elaine – I suffer plennnnnty!

ELAINE
You think that I don’t know pain? My neck is so sore, I can’t turn my head anymore

SELMA
So? Look straight ahead. Nothing much happens on the sides anyway

ELAINE
I’m serious! The back doctor gave me some free samples to try but they don’t work

SELMA
What kind of pills?

ELAINE
Lemme think a minute…they’re yellow…phila…feeda…fadda…something like that. Anyway, what do you care? You don’t have back problems

SELMA
So what? Maybe they’d be good for my shoulder. (moaning) Ohhhhhhhh….

ELAINE
This is new. You never mentioned shoulder pain before. Maybe try acupuncture. Freda Smith tells me that she goes to that Swedish guy, Hans Offer and it worked miracles for her

SELMA
(laughing)
I’ve heard about doctor Offer and believe me – needles aren’t the only things he gives her if you know what I mean. Look at the time

ELAINE
You’ve got an appointment?

SELMA
That’s later. I’m off to the shopping mall. Big sale today

ELAINE
What about you shoulder…and your neck pain…

SELMA
What’s a little ache between the bargains. You know what they say – when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping. So you’ll be ready in 10 minutes?

ELAINE
Make it fifteen. And Selma – bring along some of those new yellow pills

©2004 Eleanor Tylbor