Reviewing the past to look to the future

It's nearing the end of the year and I'm feeling introspective. Usually, this is also the time when that "so what did you accomplish this year, Eleanor?" question starts slowly creeping into my psyche, goals yet to reach.

- theatres who were the lucky recipients of my plays still haven't discovered that my plays would be the perfect vehicle to attract new theatre patrons
Really, and at least in my humble opinion, my usage of words and story lines are good and I should know, seeing that most likely those plays were hibernating on/in my word file for years before they saw the light of day. It's merely a matter of time before somebody discovers that they are a perfect fit for their needs

- in spite of good intentions, still haven't submitted my one and only screenplay, "Skate!" written years ago. 
This children's script is languishing in never-never-land because most likely it requires yet another re-write. The story is based on a childhood experience and thinking back, I wrote it with the help of Syd Field's how-to-write-a-screenplay step-by-step. As a member of a writing forum at the time, I threw caution to the wind and shared a scene or two with other screenwriters for feedback. Reaction was mixed with advice that included not bad for a first shot, amateur effort, interesting story line and go back to the beginning, try again with a re-write, which I did. While going through a box of papers containing writing-related material produced over the years, I came across a manilla envelope, flap enclosed, with the word, "Skate" written across the front. Staring at it for a few minutes, I debated as to whether I should open the envelope flap and go through it .This most likely would result in angst-ing over what is written and what should have/could have been written. Amazing what perspective will do for a story.

- two of my still-in-progress start-up plays are making more-or-less steady if slow progress. 
Why is it that some plays almost write themselves and in others, there are barriers that suddenly arise? Some characters endear themselves to me and make the task easier while others are difficult to get to know.
If you want to see where you've come from and where you are now, browse through old writing projects, especially plays. In addition to hard copies, my Word file is filled with various versions and updates of plays. The problem is that many of them are identified merely by numbers, for example: "blah-blah, #1" or "blah-blah #2" and so on. It's those old insecurities that creep up causing me to question as to whether version one and subsequent re-written versions should be deleted in case they are superior to the latest updated version. I mean, version six could contain gems that could be used in version seven and so on. A while back and upon the realization that I submitted the incorrect version of a play to a theatre, I sent a follow up email apologizing for the mistake and re-sent the right version. Some things can't be undone and sending the wrong version is one of them. That has to be the only reason for the rejection.

What is progress, anyway, and how do you measure or quantify it? Finishing a play, for me, makes the effort a worthwhile endeavor. The big challenge being the production hasn't happened - as yet - note the words 'as yet' - but as I always tell myself, hope springs eternal. Is there anything else?

Yours forever in playwriting,

Eleanor

Playwrightville - the place where playwrights think about their plays

"A playwright lives in an occupied country. And if you can't live that way, you don't stay. (Arthur Miller)

SCENE: PLAYWRIGHT ELEANOR is sitting at the computer, reading over her plays and contemplating making changes and revisions to one or two...or more.

AT RISE: Various characters from Eleanor's plays, start to feel threatened and express their feelings

If I write a new play, my point of view may be profoundly modified. I may be obliged to contradict myself and I may no longer know whether I still think what I think.

EUGENE IONESCO, Notes and Counter Notes

Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/p/playwriting_quotes.html#edPKy2F7EeZ0kBOA.99

A playwright lives in an occupied country. And if you can't live that way you don't stay.
Arthur Miller
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/playwright.html#mU4ESro3qRYCetxl.99

PLAYWRIGHT
There definitely has to be some changes to dialogue...

(upon hearing this, one of the characters from "THE LEMON" feels a growing sense of panic)

PENNY FLOWERS
Oh no you don't! Finally, after years of waiting, you provided an ending to my car problem.

PLAYWRIGHT
True but somehow, the ending doesn't seem to be strong enough. Refresh my memory, again?

PENNY FLOWERS
My car, a.k.a. "The Lemon", a car  used by many people over many years, was stuck in an intersection without any means in which to move it. Remember?

PLAYWRIGHT
Yup - recall it well. True you had to wait but I finally did give you a decent ending

PENNY FLOWERS
There! So you acknowledge that it's finished!

PLAYWRIGHT
Finished as in, for now, but not necessarily forever. We live for change, my dear

PENNY
Don't have much choice, do I, but if you really feel it will enhance my personality...but please don't demean my character. You sometimes have a habit of doing that

PLAYWRIGHT
I'll keep that in mind

(MAURICE, a minor character from the play, "A WEDDING" chimes in his two-cents-worth)

MAURICE
Excuse me... Hello? Playwright - as you will recall or maybe not - you couldn't make up your mind what type of background I should have. In the end, you didn't endow me with any special qualities other than my social breeding mixing with the upper class rich

PLAYWRIGHT
With all due respect, Maurice, you are a minor character in a major play

MAURICE
Minor in your eyes but not in the eyes of the two families organizing the wedding. They couldn't do without my help in choosing the right invitation. I do have impeccable taste

PLAYWRIGHT
True - in the end you did provide some comic relief

MAURICE
I resent that! I play a very important role. Perhaps a few more lines would be nice?

(Word gets out to JOE MCKENNA, the main character in the play, "OLD SOLDIERS" that Eleanor is thinking change...again)

JOE MCKENNA
What's this I hear that you wanna do some re-writes? No way, Jose!

PLAYWRIGHT
But Joe - it took me three years and numerous re-writes to get you where you are today. Sometimes...many times it takes a lot of re-writes to get it right. Didn't I finally submit the play to the BBC International Playwriting Competition? Perhaps you all will get the chance to tell your story

JOE MCKENNA
The guys want me to tell you that if you change one more word, they're walking! They really mean it!

PLAYWRIGHT
This isn't anything new to me since I've had them walking in many directions over time

JOE MCKENNA
I'm outta here. The guys are meeting back at the bar. Just remember you were warned! Not one word changed or else!

BECKY MALONE
The soldiers are complaining? We started out at a senior's center and moved around so many times, I'm still dizzy.

PLAYWRIGHT
Of all the plays, you people are my favorite characters

JOE MCKENNA
Hey! I thought I was

PLAYWRIGHT
Actually...when it's all said and done, you all are my favorites

(SARAH, a lively and somewhat ditzy character from "Gin..." steps forward to make herself heard and is joined by BECKY, another of the card-playing ladies)

SARAH
So...like...why do you wanna change us? You're not going to write out my goldfish, are you? Goldie would be very hurt even though she didn't have any lines

BECKY MALONE
Sarah...Sarah...Sarah...you and your goldfish friend have exactly the same thought process

SARAH
Thank you. Goldie would be pleased to hear that

PLAYWRIGHT
Just so you know, people, it's not easy to get the right words that will move the story along AND make sense at the same time. Then I have to worry about rejection when I finally decide to submit a play, not to mention the never ending question of the reason behind the rejection. Was it the story itself? Or maybe the ending or perhaps too many or too few characters? It's always those nagging whys. Okay people! This playwright gets your point! No more changes!

PENNY
Can we have that in writing?

PLAYWRIGHT
(keying in words)
'I, playwright, do declare that I won't make any changes to my plays, today'

BECKY
Wait a minute! Just today? What about tomorrow and next month?

PLAYWRIGHT
Beggars can't be choosers. A playwright's gotta do what a playwright has'ta do beside change is the key to a better future for you all

ALL THE CHARACTERS TOGETHER
Been there, heard that

SANTA SLIMS DOWN: A STORY OF REBELLION AND COMPROMISE

By Eleanor Tylbor

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

 - SANTA CLAUS – the jolly, old elf himself

- MRS. CLAUS – Santa's faithful wife
- RUDOLPH AND THE REINDEER GANG

 

SCENE: SANTA'S WORKSHOP, TWO WEEKS BEFORE "THE" TRIP. SANTA IS CHECKING OVER HIS TOYS. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR  REVEALS REINDEER RUDOLPH, ACCOMPANIED BY DONNER AND BLITZEN BARGE WHO BARGE IN

 AT RISE: A MUCH MORE PLUMP THAN USUAL SANTA IS SITTING AT A TABLE, SNACKING ON COOKIES

 

SANTA
This is an expected surprise, boys. To what do I owe this visit?

 RUDOLPH

(moving antlers from side-to-side defiantly)
We're here to give you a message, Santa

 RUDOLPH

It’s about food

 SANTA

(eating one cookie after the other)
You want one of these cookies? Why didn’t you say so? Plenty enough to go ‘round

 RUDOLPH

Santa, there's something we really gotta tell you…

DONNER

- it's real important-like…

 BLITZEN

- major important

 RUDOLPH

(Turns around to talk to DONNER and BLITZEN)

 Is there an echo, here? Did you not make me, Rudolph, the spokes-deer? Maybe one of youse wants’ta take over?

 DONNER

You do a great job, Rudy. Super

 BLITZEN

You our main reindeer man!

 RUDOLPH

I mean, if one of youse guys can say it better…

 DONNER

No-no! You’re the best

 RUDOLPH

So lemme do the job! Shaking sleigh bells – everyone wants'ta be a star! Now where was I? Y’see Santa, we're worried!

 DONNER AND BLITZEN

Real worried! Uh-huh…

RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
Hello? D'ya mind?

                         SANTA, distracted, nibbles on a cookie while watching a train run around the

                         track

SANTA
Oh my-oh-my! I do love watching the train speed around the track. Um - what’s that? Worried? About what, boys? Now just look at this train go! The elves finished it this very morning

 RUDOLPH

How can I say this nicely…

 DONNER AND BLITZEN

Just tell him! You gotta!

RUDOLPH
(whirling around)
One more word from either of youse…

 DONNER/BLITZEN

Sor-ree! We're just trying to help…

 RUDOLPH

Well don't! You elected me head of the North Pole Reindeer Union so lemme do the job!

SANTA
What’s this all about, boys? Could someone tell me?

 RUDOLPH

I'm tryin' Santa, I'm really tryin’ if only these two big mouths would let me

BLITZEN

We promise we won't say another word, See? We’re zipping our mouths closed

 DONNER

Maybe one word - two at the most. Sorry…

RUDOLPH

It's about your - um - well… Your shape

 SANTA

(laughing)
My shape? I’m Santa! This is the way I've always looked

 RUDOLPH

It's…  well - very round

 SANTA

(laughing)
This is not news, Rudolph. Now if you'll excuse me…I’m very busy here…

 RUDOLPH

Much more than usual, Santa. Much… much… more

 SANTA

I’ve always looked like this. You know that! Everyone expects me to look like this

 RUDOLPH

It hurts me to hav'ta tell you this but as the official spokes-deer and according to the rules in the signed hoof agreement, paragraph three, section 9, I’m here to say that unless you lose weight, we ain't leaving the Pole

 DONNER

He's right. We can't pull a sleigh filled with toys AND you too

 SANTA

But-but…I look the same as I’ve always looked. What’s different?

                        Santa rushes over to a mirror and examines himself

 Maybe I did put on a few extra pounds here and there…and there… But you can't expect me to lose weight in such a short time. Christmas Eve is a week away

 RUDOLPH

D’ya know how hard it is to fly through the air, dragin' a full sleigh of toys and and a Santa who likes his cookies too much?

 OTHER REINDEER (PEERING IN AT WINDOW)

Hard..hard..Very hard

 DONNER

It’s a big pain in the back for sure!

 RUDOLPH

Did I ask for more opinions. Did I?

                         The reindeer dart away from the window

 Like I was sayin’… You gotta do something 'bout it, boss, or we're stayin' Pole-side this Christmas!

 SANTA

You - you can't do that! What will happen to all the children waiting for their gifts on Christmas Eve?

 RUDOLPH

Lissen boss, we gotta ‘tink of our health, too. Do I gotta remind you ‘bout last year and all the trouble gettin' the sleigh off the ground?  We seen you hittin' the hot chocolate and cookies in the middle of the night when Mother Claus was asleep! One week Santa. You got one week. You can do it

           Santa stands in shock as the three reindeer file out shaking their heads

 SANTA

(calling out)
Mother Claus! We have a major problem!

           MRS. CLAUS comes running in to the room

From now on they'll be no more hot chocolate or cookies for me!

 MRS. CLAUS

Did you say something about cookies, dear? I have a new batch ready for eating

 SANTA

The reindeer just told me I'm too heavy for them to pull. Imagine! Me, Santa, too heavy for my sleigh!

 MRS. CLAUS

But dear, Santa Claus is supposed to be…you know - large-ish

 SANTA

I just had a visit from three and they told me none of them will fly unless I get lighter

 MRS. CLAUS

But…it's only two weeks to Christmas Eve. Do you think it’s possible?

 SANTA

I have to! The children are depending on my visit

MRS. CLAUS

No more cookies, then. I'll just throw out the ones I just made…

 SANTA

Maybe we're too hasty - a few cookies can't hurt

 MRS. CLAUS

Now Santa – you have a responsibility to all the children around the world. Do you want to let them down?

SANTA

I'm just going outside to check on things

 MRS. CLAUS

What are you hiding behind your back, Santa? Come on – hand them over

                         SANTA hands over a handful of cookies

 Every time you get the urge for a cookie, think about the children!

SANTA

You're right, Mother. Do we still have that exer-cycle the reindeer gave me as a gift, last year?

 MRS. CLAUS

Of course! It's in the reindeer barn. The elves have been using it

 SANTA

Get the elves to bring it here right away. There's no time like the present to start and only a week to go…I hope I can do it…I have to do it!

 

                                                                 SCENE TWO

 SCENE:         SANTA IS EXERCISWING ON HIS EXER-CYCLE IN RED LONG-JOHNS 

 

SANTA

Whew! This isn't easy. Mother - bring me the scale!

 

                         MRS. CLAUS brings over a scale

 MRS. CLAUS

Oh dear. I do hope you've lost some weight!

                         SANTA gets on the scale attempting to see the weight but

                         can't see over his belly

 SANTA

So? What does it say?

 MRS. CLAUS

You've lost one pound, dear. Have you been doing some secret snacking?

SANTA

No… Really… Maybe one or two once in a while

                         RUDOLPH, DONNER AND BLITZEN ENTER

 RUDOLPH

We heard. Only one pound, Santa? One gift weighs more than that. Guess the boys and girls won't be receiving their gifts this year, right guys?

 DONNER AND BLITZEN

Still not enough.. Still not enough..

                         The reindeer exit, shaking their heads

 SANTA

What am I to do now? Just four more days… Maybe if I eat a cookie, I'll feel better..

 MRS. CLAUS

This is how you got to be this way in the first place! Now back on the exer-cycle, dear!

 

                                                            SCENE THREE

 SCENE:  THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. A VISIBLY MORE SHAPELY SANTA CALLS IN THE REINDEER

 SANTA

So boys? Whad’ya think? Will it do?

 RUDOLPH

You do look less round. Whad'ya think boys?

BLITZEN

He looks leaner…I'll fly

 SANTA

I lost six whole pounds!

DONNER

I'm ready to go. There's something we forgot to tell you. There are a few things we'd like to have in the future – you know - to prepare us for the long trip?

 SANTA

Like what, boys?

 DONNER

We'd like a fancy meal before we leave. Grass and forest greens don't do it for us

 SANTA

I’m in favor of good healthy food and I myself lost my extra pounds eating lots of greens. What did you have in mind?

 BLITZEN

We’d like…all-dressed pizza!

 SANTA

Now Blitzen, you know that's definitely not the right type of food reindeers need to maintain a healthy weight. I know that there have been a lot of late-night pizza deliveries at the Pole lately but no more. I need you guys all nice and slim, too, for future trips. We can make some fun spinach smoothies and okra floats - healthy treats. Greens… Lots of Vitamin C…roughage…and from now on, they'll be a daily exercise program at the North Pole and I expect every reindeer to take part. I have you all to thank for my change

 DONNER

(aside to Rudolph, whistfully)
No… more… pizza deliveries?

 BLITZEN

(upset tone of voice)

Gee thanks Rudolph!

 DONNER

Yeah – thanks Rudy!

SANTA

I know you boys will like the changes. They’ll be mo more junk food in the workshop! You helped me lose some extra pounds and I'm thankful for your help. A healthy Santa is important if I'm going to do the job properly. Now, let's go deliver some gifts to good girls and boys! C'mon boys – it's time!

                         SANTA exits, accompanied by the reindeer

ASIDE TO MOTHER CLAUS: ‘We're leaving mother! Better have some cookies…I mean of course, veggies and fruit when we come back!’

 BLITZEN

Did anyone tell you that you have a big mouth, Rudolph?

 DONNER

…a big one…very big…

                         The reindeer exit

SANTA'S VOICE – OFFSTAGE

‘Now Dancer, now Prancer, Comet.and .Blitzen –up, up in the air we go!’ Rudolph? Is that you I hear complaining? You’ll get used to it! A healthy deer is a happy deer!'

 RUDOLPH

Yeah…happy… I’m so happy…

 MRS. CLAUS

Thank goodness everything turned out in the end.

                         A much slimmer Mrs. Claus stares at herself in a long mirror

 Didn't do me any harm, either. Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas reindeer!

©2003, Eleanor Tylbor

Upon writing plays

After finally letting go of "Retribution" and "Old Soldiers" to share with the world - one hopes - it's time to think about developing new plays. Even writing the words, "new plays" gives me an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing that merely developing the basic structure of a new play and getting into the brain of new characters takes time. Be that as it may, toying with the idea of creating a play based on my childhood characters. These are people encountered along the way of growing up that remain vivid in my memory, who left a lasting impact on my life in some way. The first step is to decide the direction the story line will take and how to tell the story. Will share progress as things develop.

In other areas, I'm also looking for potential fits for my two full plays. It's been a while since I've focused on finding the right theatre that sees merit in them. Both are comedies but with dramatic overtones as is my "thing." Spent a lot of time this weekend checking out theatre sites to assess which would or could be interested.

There's progress in other areas having at least submitted my short i.e. less than 20 minute, plays to various short play festivals. Haven't heard back one way or the other, which is always unsettling for me. I'm really focusing on having patience and letting things take their natural course. It's always that "just tell me one way or the other!" feeling that impels me to send off something to the effect:

Dear blah-blah,

Sent you my play, blah-blah, a few days/week/months ago. Not sure if you received it since my e-mail system sometimes, somehow, someway, occasionally loses e-mail messages in transit. In this regard, did you receive it? If so, when do you anticipate reading it? Really - it's good. I'm sure audiences will love the story and it only took one/two/three...more years to write.

So if you could check through your files and get back to me, I'd be most appreciative. If not - I can wait.

Meanwhile, there are a number of un-finished and/or un-developed plays that have been languishing in never-never-land, waiting to be developed. Everyone deserves a second /third/fourth...chance to be born, even plays.

Update: Just received an e-mail notification that my 10-minute play-ette to the Snowdance 10-minute Comedy Festival was rejected (again) and didn't make the grade, obviously. Actually, perhaps in retrospect, the writing was on the proverbial wall since they specified that entries be mailed in. In order to cutback on mailing expenses, I e-mailed the contact person and asked if they also accepted entries by e-mail, and he indicated I should send it anyway, which I did. I mean, there can be no other reason why it was rejected being that it was well-written, funny-bordering-on-hilarious and other similar adjectives that adequately describe my entry.

The official refusal read (in part): "I'm sorry to inform you that your entry was not one of the 9 chosen for production. Please accept my sincere appreciation for your time and effort. With so much good material to choose from no entry should feel disappointment or rejection - I wish we had the ability to produce them all." Uh-huh...yup... Oh well...we go on...

Playwright's update: a conversation with the playwright

The playwright, daring to feel somewhat upbeat and hopeful, shares her playwriting progress.

"So Eleanor - what's the latest on your playwriting projects and more specifically, you-know-who?"

Very pleased to be able to report that Joe and the gang are no longer in limbo. They have paid their bar bill and have returned to leading more normal and completed lives. Having gone through so many changes over the years, they are questioning what to do.

"I've completed my mission but feel something is missing," Joe told the guys during a get-together at their favorite watering hole, to discuss the experience.

"She took us in so many directions that I was getting dizzy," Mac added, finishing his beer and allowing a loud burp to escape. "Now why did I do that? My inner motivation is missing and now I'm forced to make decisions on my own."

"That is like...so disgusting," Mike said. "You would never do that in the past."

"Only if I was directed to do so. Life has become more complicated these days."

The only remaining task before hitting the "submit" button is to number the pages. Converting "Old Soldiers" from a short story into a radio play, a completely alien medium for me, has been a challenge to say the least. It meant having to lengthen the story and give each of the characters their own personalities. There were a number of re-writes and endings but it's over. Hopefully.

"What about your other projects?"

Progress in this area also having submitted "Retribution" to a theatre and now comes the inevitable wait to hear back one way or the other. I'm also checking into theatres for a good fit for my two two-act plays, which have been languishing in limbo for a while, now. I'm also toying with and thinking about (a good start) writing a play based on childhood experiences and characters. We'll have to see which direction to take and where the focus should be.

Arthur Miller shared at some point, "A playwright lives in an occupied country and if you can't live that way, you don't stay."

Joe McKenna and all my other characters waiting for show time would agree.

The Old Soldiers encounter yet another problem. Joe would not be happy

People who drop by this blog are aware of the problems encountered with writing and more importantly, completing the "Old Soldiers" play. In the way of a quick backgrounder, the play had its origin as a short fiction piece - one of my all-time favorites - that I decided to try and convert into a radio play for submission to the BBC International Radio Competition. Thing is, I've never written a play specifically for radio, which is a challenge in itself.

Did regular check-ins on the BBC competition site for information and updates, hints, etc. but somehow omitted reading the section covering how to lay out a play for radio.

Big omission.

Up until this point, I've been using a playwriting format and adding regular '"SFX" or sound effects where and when necessary. So I'm up to the 43 pages point, nearing the end and during one of my regular check-ins discover to my angst that it ain't gonna work. If I would have checked still further (hind-sight is so easy), there is a section devoted to laying out a play for radio, which I for whatever reason overlooked. As I neared the end, there was this gut feeling something was missing or awry. According to the "how-to" section, there are definite guide-lines including line spacing, etc. to which one must adhere. Going by the BBC requirements, my unfinished play as it now stands would be somewhere in the neighborhood of 80-odd pages. The finished product can't be more than 54 pages.

 The reality that my version didn't meet their i.e. BBC strict guidelines was followed by a quick R&R - rant&rave - around the house yelling, "Noooooo" accompanied by "why me?" and the inevitable, "Joe and the boys will never get their story told."

"That's it!" I told myself along with "I've had it!" resulting in walking away from the computer for a few hours.

"So where are you at now, Eleanor?" you're probably asking yourself.

After reflecting on the turn of events and the time invested in working on the project - we're talking years here - I decided to once again (how many more times one asks oneself) attempt to re-write the play with the given guidelines. It will require eliminating some scenes and adjusting the story line, which I've already started to do. The problem is that some of the new scenes that will have to go are really relevant and are dialogue rich. Oh well. Nobody said it was going to be easy.

Sorry Joe and the guys. You're gonna have to wait a bit longer.

MONDAY MORNING UPDATE:

Good news! It appears that after re-formatting the layout of the play as per the BBC requirements, it appears that everything just may fit perfectly. However, there are some modifications that will have to be made to the story line for flow purposes. It all depends on whether or not the ending will fit in with the current trend of the story line. The good thing is that there is still time to make the changes.

Will update here as we near the end...one hopes.

The 'Old Soldiers' are in the final phase and saying their last goodbyes

Well it's about time, Joe McKenna and his soldier friends would comment, upon learning that the story is  winding down - or up depending on the way one views it. There's still plenty of time left before the BBC International Playwriting Competition deadline but given my propensity for procrastinating, I've been focusing my efforts on streamlining the dialogue and working on the plot line.

One of my concerns, other than sound effects, is using radio format but thanks to Google, found a site that supplied an example of how a radio script should be written. The script, as it is now, is written as a play but according to the site, there will have to be some changes.

Reading the lines over silently to myself, it seems to flow well but the story line may have to be lengthened to accommodate the radio format, which shortens the page count. Doesn't really change things since the ending will be that much more dramatic. Before submitting it, I'll actually read it out loud and time it.

The play content is a mix of drama mixed with humor to break up the tension. The quartet of Vets have been there, seen that and are at the point in their lives where they accept death as the final battle and the end to their painful physical decline. They cling to each other for moral support, commiserating life's 'downs' and celebrating their 'highs.'

In fact, somebody overheard the guys getting ready to say their final goodbyes at the local bar.

JOE
Well - it's almost over. Won't be long, now

MIKE
What's almost over? What are you babbling on about?

JOE
She's nearing the end

MAC
You mean -

JOE
- Yup

AL
Who told you?

JOE
If anybody knows what's going on, it's me. Take my word for it

MAC
She's been nearing the end how many times now?

JOE
This time it's serious. We better drink up, make our final toasts and get ready to say our goodbyes

AL
What's going to happen to us after "The End"?

JOE
With luck and some positive action taken on her part, we'll become famous and become household
names in the theatre world

MIKE
Hey! That ain't so bad!

JOE
Let's celebrate in honor of the final scene. Mike - didn't you say you were buying? 'Bartender - a round for me and my best friends, here'

JOE, MIKE, AL, MAC (together)
(holding up their glasses)
To the final scene!

A playette and short version of "Neighbors" - in honor of National Good Neighbors Day

Some calendars note that today being September 28th, has been put aside to celebrate National Good Neighbors Day. The origin of this  not-so-well-known holiday (I wasn't aware of its existence) dates back to the early 1970's, when one Mrs. Becky Mattson from Lakeside, Montana, recognized the importance of good neighbors, and started the effort to make this a National day. Assisted by congressman Mike Mansfield, she succeed in getting three presidents (Nixon, Ford, and Carter)  to issue proclamations, along with numerous governors. In 2003, the U.S. Senate passed a resolution, sponsored by Montana.

To mark this interesting holiday, I'm sharing the short/playette version of my play, "Neighbors" It's based on the real life feud between two neighbors that lived next door to each other down the street from where we lived, over the placement of shrubs on what both believed to be on their property. Never did find out the end result but their verbal updates inspired the play.

NEIGHBORS

By Eleanor Tylbor

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

John Taylor, 35,     Perfectionist and fussy next door neighbor of PORTMAN

Robbie Portman, 37,  Easy-going neighbor of TAYLOR

 

THE TIME

Mid-summer. Morning

THE PLACE

Back garden
 

 

TAYLOR digs in his vegetable patch clad in dress slacks, a short sleeved dress shirt and tie

PORTMAN wearing creased shorts and t-shirt, relaxes in a hammock, beer bottle in hand

SOUND: LAWNMOWER

TAYLOR

              Wipes sweat with handkerchief, leans on

              rake while talking to TAYLOR, pausing for

              a reaction after every statement

Too hot for digging, today. Must be a hundred degrees in the shade for sure. 'Course some people don’t care ‘bout how their lawn looks… Take you for example – somebody – anybody - please?

 

PORTMAN

Is that neighbor Taylor tryin’ to be a comedian? Neh! More likely a squirrel in heat

TAYLOR

Does the thought ever cross your mind to do something useful like - work, perhaps?

PORTMAN

               PORTMAN holds beer bottle up to the light

               and bends down to pick up another

My bottle is empty and I gotta bend down and get me another in this heat, but somebody's gotta do it. Might as well be me

TAYLOR

You have to be the laziest person in the whole neighborhood AND an alcoholic to boot. I won’t even talk about your lawn...

PORTMAN

…so don’t…

TAYLOR

…not to mention the dilapidated exterior of your house is the worst eyesore on the block

PORTMAN

Like it? It’s a new look I’m trying out. I call it lawnmower-free-expressive

TAYLOR

Condemned-modern more likely. When you gonna do something useful for a change?

PORTMAN

But I did. I reached down for a beer

TAYLOR

You are aware that your property is lowering the value of mine and everyone else. Some of us take pleasure in having a decent looking garden -

PORTMAN

- and some of us couldn’t give a damn. Looks just fine t’me

 TAYLOR

When you gonna join the real world and become a contributing member of society?
 

PORTMAN

(ignoring TAYLOR)

Always with questions and more questions. Hey – I get it! You’re practicin' for a quiz show. Right? ‘Potent potables for a thousand.’ Don’t mind if I do

               PORTMAN takes a sip of beer

‘Down the hatch and over the tongue – look out stomach  – down it comes!’ Here’s mud in both your eyes

 TAYLOR

Guess now's a good time as any. About those shrubs of yours…

 PORTMAN

Take a hike - preferably in the middle of the street in oncoming traffic

TAYLOR

I know I've warned you about them in the past but this time I really mean it. They could – like - mysteriously burn down one night. Know what I mean? Fires start so easily in dry hot weather

PORTMAN

They ain’t botherin’ me none but you do!

TAYLOR

They’re blocking the sunlight from shining on my side of the garden and my tomato crop needs sun to ripen them

PORTMAN

You're bugging me. Make like a bee and buzz off

TAYLOR

You must be blind not to see they’re a good two feet on my side of the fence. Here - lemme show you the city plan so you can see once and for all that I know what I’m talking about
 

PORTMAN

No need to! You probably paid off someone at City Hall to measure in your favor. Now where’d I put those ear plugs to block out the sound of your nagging…

TAYLOR

See, thing is, I got plans for those extra couple of feet you stole

PORTMAN

Gimme a break! Wait! I get it now! You wanna make a par-3 golf course and charge people t’get in. Get lost. I’m trying to read this book

TAYLOR

And what are we reading these days? The latest in the “See Spot Run” series? Listen you lazy son-of-a-bitch -

PORTMAN

Omyheavens! Such bad words! Your wifey is gonna hav'ta wash your mouth out with soap

TAYLOR

Cut them down by tomorrow, Portman, or I’m gonna take things into my own hands if you get my drift

PORTMAN

In your dreams, veggie boy! I got better things to do with my time than dig up ten foot shrubs

TAYLOR

While I have your attention span, which lasts about as long as a flea hunting for dog's fur, the branches of your rotten apple tree are hanging over on my side of the fence, again

PORTMAN

Don’t stop you from pickin’ up all them apples that happen t'land in your yard

TAYLOR

Why would I want them since they’re full of worm holes, like your brain. Obviously, threats don’t work so I guess I'll have to go hire me a lawyer and take you to court. We’ll let a judge decide who owns what

PORTMAN

Got a particular liar – um – lawyer in mind? Try Mitch Cassidy. I hear he specializes in lost causes

TAYLOR

That’s right, man. Make jokes and drink away your problems. Your brain is so fermented, you don't realize the ramifications of legal action
 

PORTMAN

I'm so scared! Can't you tell how scared I am? All that hot air comin’ from your side of the fence has given me a ragin’ thirst. To my health!

TAYLOR

If you’d simply have checked your house plans before you moved in, all of this antagonism between us could have been avoided and we wouldn't have to waste time being at each others throats

PORTMAN

The plan would’a told me what I already know is true. The bushes are on my side! Go stroke your cucumbers or somethin'

 TAYLOR

I need to cut my grass but I can’t because you never returned my lawnmower you borrowed a month ago!

PORTMAN

You could always use a cow. Wait a minute! You’re married to one!

TAYLOR

Shut your – your - filthy mouth! You’re treading on dangerous ground, now, so be very careful what you say next
 

PORTMAN

'Oh Mommy – save me!’ What a joke you are, man!

TAYLOR

Fine. If that's the way you want it. I’m finished with the threats. You can expect a registered letter in the mail from my lawyer

PORTMAN

You sendin’ me a love letter? Always had my doubts ‘bout you if you get my drift. Now I know why there’s so many of them there panty hose hangin’ on your line

TAYLOR

Why your wife hasn’t left you is beyond me but like they say, love is blind. How is the lovely Harriet anyway? Still working? Thank goodness, since someone has to pay the mortgage payments

PORTMAN

That new car o’yours fixed yet? Too bad your Julie ran it into the garage door. Got a problem with her reverse and drive but it’s understandable being married to you and all

TAYLOR

At least we have a car that runs unlike that bundle of rust that’s been rotting in the driveway for who-knows-how-long. Then again it matches the rest of your house

PORTMAN

Don’t bother me none

TAYLOR

I’m feeling ambitious today. Just might go rent me one of those big tree cutters and do the job myself

 

PORTMAN

Over my dead body you will!

TAYLOR

That can easily be arranged. Just stick your head through the shrubs while I’m cutting. That way you can save money on a hair cut

PORTMAN

Keep your slimy hands off’a my shrubs or…

TAYLOR

…or you’ll what? Stop me? You’re so out of shape you can’t lift one leg over the fence

PORTMAN           

               PORTMAN jumps up, runs to the fence and

               grabs TAYLOR’s shirt through the fence slats 

Wanna see what these hands can do? They can squeeze your throat ‘til you turn blue

TAYLOR

Let go my shirt! If you tear it…

PORTMAN

…you’ll go cry to Julie how the bad man next door ripped it?

               PORTMAN releases his hold

Forget it. You’re not worth the trouble

               PORTMAN returns to his hammock

TAYLOR

Go on! Go back to what you were doing…what you always do,

nothing. Zippo. Nada. Don’t be surprised if you hear a loud noise in the middle of the night and wake up to find a bunch of holes where your shrubs used to be!

PORTMAN

Blah-blah-blah - been there, heard it all before

TAYLOR

Don’t think I won’t do it – ‘cause I will! I mean it!

PORTMAN

Sure you mean it. You’ll do it like you’ve been doing since we’ve lived next door to each other. By the way and because I'm a nice guy and all - it’s gone nine o'clock already

TAYLOR

Shoot! You made me miss my morning train commute! Now I gotta wait another hour for the next one. Somehow, you always manage to bring out the worst in me

PORTMAN

And you know you love every minute of it. There’s a word for people like you
 

TAYLOR

And what would that be, he asked, afraid to hear the answer

PORTMAN

Pain-in-the-butt neighbor. Uh-oh - you’re gonna miss the next one if you don't move your butt

TAYLOR

Are you planning to watch the big game tonight?

PORTMAN

Wha'cha wanna know for? You ain’t gonna call the cops on me again

TAYLOR

Hey! I thought someone was robbing your house and I was just looking out for your best interests

PORTMAN

Bull-doo-doo! So how come when they asked you if I was the owner of the house, you told them no. I ended up spending half the night in jail. Thank goodness Harriet came t'bail me out

 

TAYLOR

Doesn't she always in more ways than one. Anyway, it was a case of mistaken identity. Pure and simple. I was thinking here that maybe –um - we could, like, watch the game together?

PORTMAN

Since when do you like sports?

TAYLOR

I’ll have you know I used to play on my company’s croquet team
 

PORTMAN

Croquet. Now that's a serious contact game. You’re serious. You wanna watch the game - together?

TAYLOR

I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t mean it. I’ll even bring over some beer

PORTMAN

You mean that yellow-colored pissy-crap you drink? Lemme bring over some real stuff. If we’re gonna watch together, you gotta drink my brand

TAYLOR

You know - we've been bickering like this for how many years, now? Twenty? Maybe more? Yet somehow, can’t figure out how, we've managed to stay talking to each other. That has to mean something. Something binds our friendship

PORTMAN

Maybe friendship would be pushin' it a bit but you're right. You talk – I gotta listen

TAYLOR

By the way you can tell Harriet the tomatoes are ripe. Left a bag on your front porch. Ask her if I supply the apples if she'll make another one of her delicious pies. Your wife is one great baker!

PORTMAN

Don't hav'ta tell me that. Gained ten pounds this year with all them apples you been supplying her with. You tryin' to gimme a heart attack?

TAYLOR

Oh and Portman - maybe during half time, we could – like – discuss the shrubs? I mean, it doesn't hurt to talk about them calmly. Right? After all – at the heart of all, there's a deep brotherly love for each other. So are we still on for tonight?

PORTMAN

Brotherly love and shrubs. Why do I even bother?

TAYLOR

Figured it was worth a shot. Anway,I’m out’ta here. Don’t stay out in the sun too long ‘cause it’ll fry whatever brain you have left. Some of us gotta work for a living...

PORTMAN

…and some of us like to watch our shrubs grow tall.


© 2013 Eleanor Tylbor