Zoo Diary: the show must go on, somehow

ZOO DIARY

 

SCENE: A small zoo. Zebra, Christmas show director/producer/mentor to the lesser talented, is preparing the zoo denizens to put on their annual Christmas performance

AT RISE: Some of the performers are chatting amongst themselves while others work closely, in some cases too closely, going over lines

ZEBRA
(checking list)
...sleigh...bag of toys...jingle bells...  What's missing? Hello? Where are the reindeer?

REINDEER RANDY
(munching on moss)
I'm here, Zee (burps) There - better

ZEBRA
Did your mother not teach you it's uncouth to burp out loud, not to mention very impolite and boorish

REINDEER RANDY
Maybe she did if I knew what those words meant

ZEBRA
Why...why do I agree to do this every year?

(ZEBRA stares at himself in the mirror) 'You do it for the sake of the theatre, you talented, handsome beast...'

(cont'd.) Where, pray tell, are the others, he asks, afraid of what he'll be told

REINDEER RANDY
They're back in the barn, playing poker.

ZEBRA
(jumps back)
Say what? The show is about to begin and they're gambling?

REINDER RANDY
They're playing for some green

ZEBRA
Stop them immediately! The last thing we need is for the zoo to be raided!

(staring at himself in the mirror)' It just never ends, does it, gorgeous beast!'

REINDEER RANDY
Not to worry. There's only moss in the pot. Want me to go get them?

ZEBRA
Why must I suffer the humiliation of amatoor performers? Why?

REINDEER RANDY
Because nobody else will do it?

ZEBRA
(pacing)
Tell them to take their places in front of the sleigh, immediately. I'm a professional... I have a reputation to retain... they need me... without my presence there is no show. Go and bring them here posthaste - that means fast for your edification

(ZEBRA stares at himself in full-length mirror. Places a cloth on his forehead)

(cont'd.) I feel a mee-graine coming on...must control myself
(cont'd.)'My but those stripes are stunning! I would fall in love with you if I hadn't already!' 

(loud squawking can be heard)

(cont'd. ZEBRA) My head...the noise...Is there no peace for moi? (staring at himself in the mirror) 'What did I do to deserve to be put in charge of these...these maladroit soubrettes? Still, the show must go on. I am a professional. Hmmmm - my stripes do give my very well proportioned body a certain je ne said quoi...What are you doing after the show, handsome...

RAT
Excuse me Zeb...but there's a problem

ZEBRA
...those dark enquiring eyes...those long lashes... Rat! Why are here? You're in the opening scene

RAT
Figured you'd want to know -

ZEBRA
- we can't afford any more delays. My mee-grain is definitely getting worse so break it to me in gentle hints

RAT
Well...it has to do with Santa....

ZEBRA
- are my eyes bloodshot? There's nothing worse than a zebra with red eyes. People will think I've taken to drink, although I wouldn't blame myself. Is it the costume thing, again? I mean, really, the chicken is quite vain. She assured me she could handle the role. Nobody will even realize that the jacket won't close...just tell her to hold her mitts in front...

RAT
...and one of the actors

ZEBRA
I sent her to a quiet place to go over her lines with the acting coach, although why the necessity is beyond me. I mean, really, "Ho-ho-ho. I think I hear Santa" Nevertheless - where is she? Thespian chickens tend to be peckish. I'll have to give her a pep talk

RAT
Well that's just it...

ZEBRA
What's it? Stop speaking in riddles and go get her

RAT
Seems somebody offered to give her private coaching in his den

ZEBRA
That can't be a bad thing. Wait a minute - did you say 'den'? That Cheetah! I should have known better! Last year it was Mr. Squeeze who got up close and personal with the squirrel and now this. I need some of my special tonic to help assuage my nerves.

RAT
Perhaps that's not such a great idea, Zeb. Remember what happened last year

ZEBRA
They don't pay me enough greens to direct this Christmas show. Must calm down. Is it...

RAT
(holding up feathers)
...too late

ZEBRA
No! This can't be happening! There's no time for a replacement so I, myself, will be forced to don the red costume, even though it clashes with my stripes and does absolutely nothing for my skin. The show must go on. But first, a dose of tonic....maybe two doses...down the hatch. "Places everyone! Curtain up!"

NEXT:
IT'S SHOW TIME, IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

Decisions...decisions...and hope for a brighter future

Once again as has been the case on too many occasions, a rejection slip slipped in my email 'in' box. Somehow, in spite of nice, genteel words of apology by the theatre or whoever is in charge of the rejection notices, it doesn't get easier.

Really, given my former position as a freelance newspaper columnist/writer for many years, rejection slips aren't an unusual occurrence, but receiving playwriting-related rejections is a downer.

This time the recipient of the rebuff was one of my favorite short plays, "The Lemon." A short comedy, it focuses on the trials and tribulations of a woman attempting to contact a towing company in order to get her car removed, while trying to convince a public phone user to make the call.  In spite of the usual assurances that the theatre will keep the play for possible future use, it was a disheartening notice. Dejection, as any writer will attest, never gets easier.

Looking back, none of my plays have yet to be produced in spite of witty dialogue, interesting plots and good spelling and punctuation. Look - gotta look for positive points where I can find them! Had high hopes for "The Shrubs", which didn't materialize and my short plays came back home without a successful showing.

Today while skimming through potential submission opportunities, came across a notification that the deadline for the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition is coming up at the end of January 2016. In the past on two occasions, attempts to convert a play and a short story into radio format met with rejection. I'm toying with the idea - that's as far as it's progressed - of trying to convert "The Lemon" into a radio play. Given the fast approaching deadline, starting a new play isn't practical and it would be a personal challenge to see what can be accomplished in a month. Who knows...

Meanwhile, old soldier Joe McKenna and his vet pals are still meeting at the neighborhood bar, waiting for a new direction from the playwright. This play keeps calling me back in spite of self-declarations to let it die in peace. But it won't. There is something about the characters and the story line that is compelling and begging to be told.

"We ain't gettin' any younger," they all keep reminding me.

Neither are any of us, guys. Neither are any of us...

Zoo Diary: the zoo denizens get into the holiday spirit

ZOO DIARY

SCENE: A small zoo. Preparing for the holiday performance.

At rise: The residents of the zoo are practicing for the annual holiday performance. It's the last dress rehearsal before the actual production and chaos reigns supreme.

ZEBRA
Hello? Everyone? May I have your attention, please? There is far too much cacophony among the performers. I can't hear myself think! Not you my dear...you embody the true thespian soul

CROW 1
(laughing while watching from a tree)
Uh-oh...zebra says there's too much caca-phony around here. The elephants have been using the toilets, again

CROW 2
(laughing hysterically)
Oh Cyril - you're so witty!

ZEBRA
You mean, witless. Now where were we? Oh yes...we were discussing your acting abilities, my dear.

FEMALE ZEBRA
You think I have talent? My acting coach has offered to give me private lessons

ZEBRA
Would your coach anyone I would know? Perhaps we could work together to maximize your performance

FEMALE ZEBRA
That's a very kind offer but 'CH' swore me to secrecy. He doesn't want the whole world calling him and begging for private tutoring> He's a very private person

ZEBRA
Totally understandable, my dear. Know exactly where he's coming from. I too separate myself from the lesser...well...talent-challenged among us

(ZEBRA admires his frame from all angles, in a full-length mirror)

(cont'd. ZEBRA) 'Perfection!'  (whispering) You can share the name of your acting coach with me. There is a professional code of silence among zebra directors that is adhered to. You said his initials were CH? Hmmmm....not familiar with any coaches with those initials...

FEMALE ZEBRA
He calls himself cheetah

(ZEBRA reacts with horror)

ZEBRA
Cheetah...you did say cheetah? Does this cheetah...would this coach live, perchance, in a cage in this very zoo?

FEMALE ZEBRA
He would! How did you know? He said that his style of coaching requires getting down to the bare bones of acting

ZEBRA
(horrified)
My dear, naïve, zebra! Forget about - um - coach cheetah. I, myself, shall take you on as a client, gratis, and as a cost to myself (aside to himself) ...wait 'til I get my hands on cheetah...' What am I saying? Let's just say, my dear, that his reputation and taste for zebras is well developed. Why don't you go over there in the corner and study your lines

FEMALE ZEBRA
If you say so. "I think I hear Santa!....I think I hear Santa....I think I hear Santa...'

ZEBRA
Okay...actors - places please! Mr. Squeeze - please tear yourself away from rat? We don't want a repeat performance of last year's incident

MR. SQUEEZE
I was just trying to show him some love

RAT
(gasping for breath)
Surrre! Remember the squirrel incident? We lost our Santa Claus on account of you

MR. SQUEEZE
We're good friends! Right rat? Who ever heard of a squirrel playing Santa Claus, anyway?

ZEBRA
(admiring himself in the mirror and fixing his cravat)
'You handsome devil! Your stripes don't do you justice. 'kiss-kiss....' For the record and given our budget, which is half of last year's and next to nothing, he was the only one who could fit into the Santa suit. Who will play the old elf this year?

(a chicken jumps down from the branch of a tree)

CHICKEN
I would like to volunteer my services for the cause

MR. SQUEEZE
(slithering up close to chicken)
Great idea! And my contribution will be to offer my help We can go over your lines in my den

ZEBRA
Not! Thank you for your...offer but I'm sure chicken can remember "ho-ho-ho..." Now if you will put on the suit, we can start our rehearsal

CHICKEN
It's a little tight...jacket won't...fit...over my...breast bone...

CHEETAH
Perhaps I can fix that problem ...

MR. SQUEEZE
...my particular qualities can definitely fix that...

(both cheetah and MR. SQUEEZE inch closer to the chicken)

ZEBRA
Stop where you are, both of you! We will make do with what we have. Please put on the red hat and black shiny boots and get on the sled. The children are arriving

CHICKEN
(smoothing her feathers and pulling the jacket over his breast)
I'm very nervous.. This is my first acting job

CHEETAH
Don't worry my friend. I'll be watching close by...in case you forget your lines, of course

ZEBRA
Places people! Mr. Squeeze - you're not in the first scene

MR. SQUEEZE
Just helping chicken get over his nerves. Everyone needs a hug''

Open the curtains and let the play begin!

NEXT TIME: THE SHOW MUST GO ON - MAYBE

Waiting and waiting.... Been there, experienced that, etc.

Hate to see a straight line indicating nobody has dropped by my playwriting blog, as is the case presently. Actually, this is applicable to all my blogs. As writers, the purpose of sharing our thoughts via a blog is to reach the public in the hope that something we have written will strike their fancy, or like the contents enough to read it to the end. A straight line means nobody finds the blog worthwhile enough to drop by. Don't like straight lines but it goes as it goes. You win some - you lose some. Anyway...

It's Friday night and I'm watching "Shark Tank", one of my favorite TV programs, while adding content to this blog. Right now all the sharks are in a bidding war for a food product with offers of $100,000 to sweeten the deal. This makes one - me - wonder how much a play is worth. It would be dependent upon whether or not its produced and how favorably the public reacts in money values. But I digress.

Me? I'm still sending out my plays and short play-ettes here, there and everywhere hoping to hit pay-dirt. Wish I could report some progress but alas and alack, it's still a waiting game. Have to confess that I've been hesitant to enter my ten-minute plays in competitions where a submission fee is required - reading fee as it is frequently called - with no financial compensation offered upon acceptance and performance. It's nice to think that our time writing the play, be it a short one, is worth a token payment. Any feedback on this?

Came across a theatre recently that was holding a competition for full 2-act plays but only snail-mail-in submissions were acceptable. There is a part of me that understands their rationale since having to print up potentially usable plays costs money and most theatres are short of funds these days. If this is the case and at least in my mind, it would be easier to read plays submitted electronically and delete those that are unsuitable, no? On a personal note my plays have been edited so many times that printing each updated copy would cost a fortune, and then there's the postage...

Amazing how easy it is to come up with complaints about how unfair the system is. I mean, who else you gonna blame? Oneself? Neh...

Right now two males have entered the shark tank with a product that they feel is worth a million dollars and there's a bidding war with all the sharks involved. maybe Mr. Wonderful, Damond, Mark, Lori, Barbara or Robert might want to produce some really great plays.

SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE

THE COFFEE QUANDARY

 

 

SCENE:  COFFEE SHOP. A HALF-DOZEN PEOPLE LINE UP TO ORDER COFFEE. PERSON ENTERS AND CREATES ANOTHER LINE, NEXT TO THE EXISTING LINE.

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Hello? We're all waiting to be served, too

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 IGNORES COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

(CONT'D.) COFFEE DRINKER 1

 'Scuse me but he line begins and ends here. Feel free to join us - at the back of course

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

I want a coffee! Nothing else

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Me too!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

You would make me go to the back of the line for one cup of coffee?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Why not? That's why we're here but we wait our turn!

 

(COFFEE DRINKER 2 reluctantly and slowly moves to back of line, talking to people as she walks,  shaking her head)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 2

This is so dumb! One lousy coffee that would take less than thirty seconds to order. Ridiculous!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Not really. A line up is a line up is a lineup. We all gotta abide by the rules. I mean, what would the world be like without structure. Utter chaos. Right people?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Y'know...I'm not in a rush. You can go before me

 

(steps aside to allow coffee drinker 2 to move up)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 4

Me too. Gotta lotta time to kill

(steps aside to allow COFFEE DRINKER 2 to move in front of her/him)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

Thank you so very much for backing me up, people! This is a perfect example why the world is in the condition it's in. Nobody cares! Rules are the glue that solidifies civilization!

 

COFFEE DRINKER 3

Give her a break! You're in front so why do you care?

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

That's not the point, my friend. Why do I care you ask? I care because we must retain some semblance of order in society. There are societal rules that are accepted norms and lining up and waiting our turn to be served is one of them. Can you imagine - and I'm sure it would never happen because you people seem civilized - if everyone pushed in and demanded to be served? There would be chaos!

COFFEE DRINKER 2
It's a coffee! That's it! Nothing to go along with it. No danish or pastry or anything that will take more time.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
That's what you say now but how do we know we can believe you?

COFFEE DRINKER 3 AND OTHERS LINING UP
'I believe her...'

COFFEE SHOP SERVER

Can I serve anyone over here?

 

(People rush over to the other line. COFFEE DRINKER 2 waves and smiles at COFFEE DRINKER 1)

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1

I tried. Can't teach everyone to have manners. 'A large regular coffee - in a china mug, please'

SERVER
Only paper cups. Our dishwasher is broken

 

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Say what? You expect civilized people, like me to...to drink coffee out of a paper receptacle? This is absolutely unacceptable. Paper is so..banal. Wash a mug out by hand, for goodness sake!

SERVER
Look over there. See the big pile of dishes in the sink? You expect me to wash out a mug for you? I think not!

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Do I have a choice - but don't expect me to enjoy it!

(COFFEE DRINKER 1 takes paper cup and looks for a table. She sees COFFEE DRINKER 2 seated by herself at the only available table)

COFFEE DRINKER 1
Excuse me...but would you mind if I join you? In my discussion with the coffee server person regarding the non-availability of china coffee mugs, it appears all the chairs and tables are taken. You would think that they would keep extra mugs on hand for people who can't tolerate drinking their beverage out of paper.

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Well...now. How 'bout that. Go figure. There is justice in this world. Why don't you line up, patiently, and wait for someone to vacate a table.

COFFEE DRINKER 1
But that could take who knows how long. You on the other hand, are all alone

COFFEE DRINKER 2
I like my space

(COFFEE DRINKER 3 approaches the table)

COFFEE DRINKER 3
Do you mind if I join you?

COFFEE DRINKER 2
Be my guest.

ASIDE TO COFFEE DRINKER 1: Like you said, there are rules and waiting our turn is one of them.  I think I just may order another refill...or maybe two...
 

 

 



Upon reflection

In his playwriting blog, "The Producer's Perspective," Broadway producer, Ken Davenport, shared his thoughts and dispensed some advice to aspiring playwrights. In particular his contention that "new-er" playwrights over-write their plays.

This caught my attention and got me thinking about my own plays and whether they are over-written. Perhaps (speculation number gazillion) this could be yet another reason and rationalization why my plays have yet to see a stage.

As Ken shared in the blog, not merely long but too 'wordy' (my interpretation). Seems that we playwrights over-write to ensure the audience grasp our concept.

The problem from my perspective is that it's difficult to know how much is too much.  I've strived to keep physical direction to a minimum and to focus upon the dialogue and more importantly, the story line. So if indeed I'm guilty of over-writing, it's difficult to ascertain if and where the edits should be made, having edited various parts incessantly over time.

Contributed my two-cents-worth to the blog topic in the form of a comment: "frequently, we never hear back again as to whether a play is over-written or whatever else is wrong." As I've often bemoaned and shared in this blog that the submission process more often than not results in never hearing anything back, period.

On one occasion, to a particular theatre's credit and part of its commitment to playwrights, a personal submission resulted in a complete analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of the play, including suggestions as to changes that would strengthen its overall quality. How refreshing.

In the end, it's a waiting game dependent upon hope - thank goodness for hope - that someone, somewhere, will see the potential in our work. One never knows.

Meanwhile, here's the coordinates to sign up for Ken Davenport's blog: https://www.theproducersperspective.com/welcome-to-the-producers-perspective-forum He makes for some interesting views and points.

Hello? Same old, same old...

Nothing really new to report but for anybody keeping up with the score so far - zero-zero - for the playwright.

Really (she wrote emphasizing the really) made a concerted effort to submit my literary gems (at least in my eyes they are) to various theatres and related opportunities. Received a response from perhaps one with the usual form letter: "Dear Playwright." At least an effort could have been made to address our kind by our given name. I mean, if I'm going to be given bad news, at least relate it personally to me. Don't you think?

Where was I now...oh yeah. 'Dear Playwright, given the huge response to our call for submissions, unfortunately your play will not be among this year's productions.' There is more blah-blah but in the end - who cares. Right? Guess I should be happy that at least I received a response, be it a negative one.

Once the brain acknowledges a rejection, the questions and doubts start popping up like:

- maybe I shouldn't have done re-write # 7,500
- maybe I'm deluding myself into believing I can write plays
- maybe I should adapt my title to "writer-of-plays-that-are-waiting-for-production"
- maybe I'm living in the wrong country
- maybe I'm using the wrong font - that has to be it. Right?
- what happens if I run out of theatres in which to submit?
- what happens if I'm submitting to the same theatres having forgotten to note the lucky recipients?

And so they continue, those insidious doubts that show up in the quiet of the night, filling the mind of the writer-of-plays-that-are-waiting-for- production with doubt and bewilderment. Know what I mean?

SCENES FROM LIFE - A SHORT PLAYETTE. At the coffee shop

POST PLAY DISCUSSION #1

 

SCENE: Coffee shop

AT RISE: Two friends discuss a theatre performance they have just seen
 

 FRIEND 1

(perusing menu)

Decisions…decisions… I just started seeing a dietician but I absolutely adore their chocolate-chocolate-and-more-chocolate molten lava cake… One more time couldn’t hurt.
 

 FRIEND 2

Given that it’s past eight o’clock and the worst time for weight gain, I, on the other hand, will stick to my usual expresso
 

FRIEND 1

You’re so holy-holy, perfect, human being
 

FRIEND 2

Jealousy is futile. It’s my genes. Everyone in my family is thin, going back generations

You do realize I could eat whatever I wanted without guilt but I don’t, because I respect my body
 

 FRIEND 1

Hey! Me too! My body tells me regularly, “feed me chocolate-chocolate-and-more-chocolate molten lava cake’ and I’ll make you feel real good!”
 

FRIEND 2

Anywaaay…So what did you think of the show?
 

FRIEND 1

Well…it had its moments
 

FRIEND 2

You didn’t like it, I take it?
 

 FRIEND 1

I never said that
 

 FRIEND 2

What are you saying?
 

 

FRIEND 1

It had its moments

 

FRIEND 2

Which means?
 

 

FRIEND 1

 

Kind of dragged in parts
 

 

FRIEND 2

I dunno. Made me laugh – a lot
 

 

FRIEND 1

That’s ‘cause you’re easily amused
 

FRIEND 2

Is it necessary to insult me, just because you consider yourself (makes quotation marks with her fingers) “a playwright”?
 

FRIEND 1

It’s the words and how they’re put together that interest me
 

FRIEND 2

Seemed like one great show, overall, in my eyes
 

 

FRIEND 1

You didn’t find that the first act seemed to never end?
 

FRIEND 2

I go to the theatre to be entertained. Period. I don’t agonize over whether the first act is better than the second because really, I don’t care! If the actors can provide a couple of hours of escapism, then they’ve done their job
 

 

FRIEND 1

We obviously view the entertainment through different eyes. I’m interested in the flow of the dialogue…the inter-action of the performers…things of interest to a person who writes plays -
 

 

FRIEND 2

- remind me how many of your plays have been produced –
 

 

FRIEND 1

So? What does that have to do with anything? It’s not for lack of trying. Have you any idea how many playwrights are out there all over the planet, hoping that someone will share them with the world? Gazillions I can tell you – including me! I mean, well known one’s, too! One day – one sweet day – someone, somewhere will read one of my plays and say, “this is the winner we’ve been waiting for!” One day, you and I, will sit here as we do after a night at the theatre, and discuss the merits of one of my plays. You’ll tell me how witty the dialogue was and how it made you laugh and how lucky that our friendship has maintained over the years…
 

 

FRIEND 2

So, are we ordering or what?
 

 

FRIEND 1

I’m thinking here perhaps it is too late for something heavy like the chocolate-chocolate-and-more-chocolate molten lava cake
 

 

FRIEND 2

Good idea - think healthy

 

(waitress approaches to take order)

 (cont’d.)We’ll have two expresso coffees, please…
 

 

 FRIEND 1

…hang on…
 

 FRIEND 2

I thought you decided against the cake
 

 

FRIEND 1

The cake is on the heavy side but a small butter pecan muffin wouldn’t even register on the scale. Now about the play…the acting was adequate but then they didn't have much to work with...

(To be continued...)



SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE - At the theatre

INTERMISSION

 

 

SCENE: WOMEN'S WASHROOM IN THEATRE

 

AT RISE:  FEMALES LINE UP TO USE BATHROOM

 

 

FEMALE 1

Line is really long...hope we have enough time

 

FEMALE 2

(turning around)

Sorry?

 

FEMALE 1

I was just commenting that there's a lot of women waiting to get in and only a 15 minute intermission. The worst is during the play when there's still a while before intermission and things get really desperate. Once I saw a woman actually walk right down to the front, near the stage, and rush off to the exit. The actor stopped talking, turned to the woman and asked, "can't it wait?" The female practically ran out the door and never returned.

 

FEMALE 2

When 'ya gotta go - 'ya gotta go, right?

 

FEMALE 1

(moving anxiously from foot to foot)

Don't I know it - and I really have to! Go, I mean

 

FEMALE 2

It usually picks up and moves faster when they near the end of the intermission

 

FEMALE 1

Hope so... Do you notice how the guys seem to be able to do what they have to do in three minutes?

 

FEMALE 2

That's cause they don't have as much clothing to remove and don't stare at the mirror or fix their makeup

 

FEMALE 1

Once in dire desperation, I used the men's washroom. I had to. Pushed the door open and screamed 'is anybody in there 'cause I'm coming in!'

 

FEMALE 2

What happened?

 

FEMALE 1

I held my head down and didn't dare glance at the urinals. Went in a cubicle, slammed the door and never urinated so fast in my life! Thank goodness there was nobody in there, as far as I know. The line is moving now but barely. C'mon people - move quicker! Things are getting desperate, here.

 

FEMALE 3

(standing behind both of them)

Don't mean to interrupt but there's another bathroom, downstairs. Everyone seems to gravitate to this one for one reason or another

 

FEMALE 1

Thanks for the suggestion but I'll lose my place if I check it out and I don't know if it's an improvement on this situation.

(ASIDE TO FEMALE 2) Perhaps if you would hold my place in line...?

 

FEMALE 2

Don't think that's a good idea. If you end up returning, they'll attack me figuring you're trying to cut in. You have to decide which is the better option

 

FEMALE 1

All I know is that I really gotta pee!

 

FEMALE 2

Even if I let you in front of me, it's not much of an improvement

 

FEMALE 1

It's better than nothing and I would be most appreciative. Things are really getting desperate!

 

FEMALE 2

I suppose I could...I mean, I've been where you have....

 

FEMALE 1

Oh thank you, thank you!

 

(FEMALE 1 moves in front of FEMALE 2)

 

(CONT'D. FEMALE 1) Almost there...just a few more to go...

 

(moving back and forth from foot-to-foot)

 

FEMALE 1

(to female in front of her)

'...such a long line up... and intermission is almost over... Really, really, have to go...you would do that for me? You're too kind...thank you...'

 

(FEMALE 1 moves up the line)

 

FEMALE 1

(to herself)

A person has'ta do what a person has'ta do...the flush of victory is at hand...

 

 



WHEREAS THE SHARK TANK MEMBERS CONSIDER A NEW INVENTION

Even though I have a plastic watering container, for whatever reason, punching holes in the lid of a large, empty juice container seemed like a good idea. This got me thinking - one of those "what if" moments: what if everyone reading this decided to do the same and pursue our creation on the "Shark Tank" TV program for financial backing! Would it fly?

 

 

SCENE: SET OF “SHARK TANK” TV SERIES. A FEMALE, FOLLOWED BY A LARGE GROUP OF MALES AND FEMALES HOLDING JUICE CONTAINERS, ENTERS. THE FOUR “SHARKS” STUDY HER WHILE MAKING NOTES.

VOICE OVER: “NEXT ON SHARK TANK, A GARDENING AFIENCIENADO WHO HAS COME UP WITH AN INNOVATIVE ALTERNATIVE TO A STORE-BOUGHT WATERING DEVICE. SHE’S ASKING FOR $50,000 FOR 30% EQUITY

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

Hello moneyed sharks! My name is blah-blah and I’ve come up with an inventive and cheap alternative to the watering can. When it comes to buying gardening tools, most gardeners head to their local gardening outlet to buy their equipment. Chances are that you or your maid or whoever takes care of buying grocery supplies buy the larger sized juice containers being more economical (sharks all shake their heads in agreement and take more notes). Once the container is empty, it’s tossed in the recycling pile. But wait a minute! Don’t do that! It can be recycled again.

 

MARK CUBAN

Who are all those people you brought with you?

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

They’re the CYBER FRIENDS OF FACEBOOK group who are my strongest supporters. They’re also big fans of Shark Tank

 

KEVIN O’LEARY

Yuck! Juice spilled on my very expensive tie. If you can’t wash out your invention before bringing it here… I’m…

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

Wait! Let me elucidate this great concept that’s akin to reinventing the wheel!

 

MARK CUBAN

What is this? Says here in my notes that this is about juice containers. Now you’re talking about a new wheel?

 

LORI GRENIER

Give her a chance, Mark. So why exactly have you come to us for big bucks? Are you asking us to fund a juice container with wheels? I don’t get it…

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

If I may explain?

KEVIN O’LEARY

So? We’re waiting

 

FEMALE INVENTOR
(visibly nervous)

Okay… let me think here…

DAYMOND JOHN

Honestly? All I see there is a used juice container. Maybe this isn’t for me…

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

Okay. I got it together now.

ROBERT HERJAVEC

Time is marching on, lady. Get on with your pitch!

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

As I was saying…I was about to throw an orange juice container in the recycling pile and suddenly – you know – one of those eureka moments – I get the urge to punch holes in the lid, which I did…

KEVIN O’LEARY

…this is painful. So big deal! Anybody can do that! Next!

FEMALE INVENTOR

…filled it up with water and then used it to water my flower boxes. No splashing and the perfect system for a gentle watering of plants

BARBARA CORCORON

So let’s see this container of yours

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

I’ve only brought one sample. If you can pass it along…

KEVIN O’LEARY

We have to share one lousy juice container and it’s sticky with juice residue

 

MARK CUBAN

You should’a brought enough for all of us and Kevin is right. The least you could have done is wash the juice container

 

DAYMOND JOHN

All I see is five holes in a lid of a juice container. Anybody… No everybody who buys juice can do that. I’m out

 

KEVIN O’LEARY

Maybe this has potential and maybe it doesn’t. Tell you what I’m gonna do because they don’t call me Mr. Wonderful for nothing. I’ll give you $500 for a 75% equity. That’s more than fair

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

I don’t know…what do you think, people?

 

(she turns and asks the large group of people with her holding juice containers. They shake their heads indicating approval)

KEVIN O’LEARY

Better hurry up and decide whether to take my offer. Your only offer

 

FEMALE INVENTOR

Um…I don’t know what to do…

(large group of people chant, “take it, take it…”

 

(cont’d. FEMALE INVENTOR) As much as I thank you for your support, I have to decline your offer

 

MARK CUBAN

(laughing)

You made a big mistake, lady. Next!

 

KEVIN O’LEARY

You are nothing to me! A cockroach looking for leftovers in the juice of life…or something. Leave and take your container with you

 

BARBARA CORCORON

Kevin – must you always philosophize when someone tells you and your offer to take a hike? You could be more charitable

 

KEVIN O’LEARY

And lose my reputation as Mr. Wonderful?

 

FEMALE INVENTOR FOLLOWED BY HER GROUP LEAVE, DROPPING THE CONTAINERS IN THE TRASH AS THEY WALK OUT

SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE At the supermarket

THE WAIT

 

 

SCENE: A BUSY SUPERMARKET.

 

AT RISE: A LONG LINE UP OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR THEIR GROCERIES.

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER

(to herself)

 

Would you believe how slow this cashier is? I probably could check out myself faster

 

 

MALE CUSTOMER BEHIND HER
 

They should open more cashes

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Sorry?

MALE CUSTOMER
 

They need more cashiers. Can’t open more cashes without cashiers. Only three on a holiday weekend doesn’t do it

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

So true. I mean, you would think that they would have thought of that. I hate waiting

MALE CUSTOMER
 

Who likes it

 

 (female customer searches the line ups)
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

I just moved over to here from the other line. This one looks like it was moving faster but now the other one is better. Always happens. Wherever I move, the other lines are faster

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

From what I can see, there are hardly any people in the first cash

 

 (they both look over to check it out)
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

That’s only for eight items or less. I’ve got a lot more than that

 

MALE CUSTOMER

Maybe they would take you being that they’re so busy everywhere
 

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Don’t like to take advantage, not to mention that the customers with just a few items get really upset when you try to push in with a full shopping cart. Can't say I blame them. Tried that a while back and everyone turned on me. “Are you blind?” they all yelled, pointing to the 8 items or less sign accompanied by insults. Wasn’t worth it – very embarrassing. Anyway, I’d lose my place here in line. Hey…you wouldn’t be trying to move up faster in the line here…

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

Just trying to be helpful

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Why don’t you try your luck at the first cash? Maybe you'll be luckier

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

I’ll wait my turn. You were complaining

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Actually, I was talking to myself and you overheard me

 

MALE CUSTOMER

Sorry to butt in your private conversation with yourself
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Merely pointing out to myself that they need more cashiers

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

And I agreed. No ulterior motive intended

 

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

 Sorry - I tend to get impatient in line ups. Here we want to give them our hard-earned cash and we have to wait to hand it over. Not that I would ever want to be a cashier...

 

  (Throws her head back and looks at ceiling)
 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

Would you believe? Now they’re counting cash! This means another five minute delay at least

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

Nothing we can do about it
 

 FEMALE CUSTOMER

 

Why, why does this always happen to me? Why couldn’t they have waited until they finished checking out my food items first?

 

MALE CUSTOMER
 

A conspiracy for sure. Relax – getting all worked up won’t make things work faster

 

(answers his cell phone) 

 

FEMALE CUSTOMER
 

On top of it all, they’ve put new cashiers on a day like today. I mean, really. Okay, they have to learn but today? Good - finished their cash count. Only one person in front of us, now. Should be out of here in five…maybe ten minutes at the most, for sure. I’ll just get ready to place my items here on the counter…they have some good specials today… I don’t believe it!   

 

 

MALE CUSTOMER

Something wrong?

 

 FEMALE CUSTOMER

Would you believe? There’s no price on some of her items and now they have to do a price check! That’s gonna put us back an extra ten minutes for sure. Is there no end to keep us customers waiting forever? (addresses customer in front of her) ‘Excuse me, but why didn’t you check your items before throwing them into your shopping cart? We've been waiting here for over fifteen minutes, y’know! Some of us have things to do, places to go.’ 

                        (male customer moves over to new cash that opens up) 
 

(cont’d.) Hey! I was in front of you
 

MALE CUSTOMER

You were and now I’m in front of you, first in line. You snooze – you lose. Patience is a virtue


FEMALE CUSTOMER

Hope you have a lot of it


MALE CUSTOMER

What do you mean?


FEMALE CUSTOMER

The head cashier is heading this way. Looks like the computer in your cash is down. They're motioning you move into our line. Like you told me - patience is a virtue