Friday, November 23, 2012

Barbie goes Christmas shopping at the mall

BARBIE, KEN, G.I. JOE AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE
A continuing saga of life among the plastic people

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AT THE MALL

SCENE: BARBIE'S MANSION. BARBIE is absorbed in writing her Christmas/holiday gift list. The ever-present, GI Joe hovers nearby, hiding behind furniture

BARBIE
(her body in a semi up-right position, accross a chair)
So hard to write up my Christmas gift list like this. If only I was more flexible...

G.I. JOE
(darting out from behind the couch)
You're flexible where it counts, babe

BARBIE
Will you stop hiding behind furniture, Joe, and put down your stupid weapon. Bend me at the waist, please?

(Joe bends BARBIE at the waist)

(BARBIE cont'd) Now, just move my arm up a little and bend my wrist slightly...

(G.I. Joe attempts to move BARBIE's arm and it comes out of its socket)

G.I. JOE
Whoops...don't know my own strength

BARBIE
You've done it again! Now push it back in the arm pit hole...gently now... Joe - the arm is upside down now...

G.I. JOE
Holes are my specialty, y'know!

BARBIE
Don't I know it. I don't need air conditioning with all those openings you've created in my walls. You're totally uncontrollable

G.I. JOE
Thanks. I know. It ain't easy but I manage

BARBIE
So many people to buy for - so little time. Now we have to go to the mall, Joe. Like...try and act normal, 'kay? I don't want a repeat of last year's shopping disaster. Like...frisking all the sales clerks in the lingerie stores?

G.I. JOE
Can't take any chances, babe. The enemy is everywhere besides I bought some of them panty hose, didn't I? Y'know - they're real comfy-like. A little tight around the...

BARBIE
We're meeting up with the Bratz girls so I want you to be on your best behavior. Help me me stand up. It's not easy being a world-wide fashion icon with an unbendable body

G.I. JOE
Your body looks just fine to me, babe. Here - gimme your hand...

(G.I. Joe pulls BARBIE's hand and she goes flying accross the room. Her head pops out along the way)

BARBIE
Now you've really done it!

G.I. JOE
Thanks. It was nothing

BARBIE
Truly! Now gently pick up my head and place it on top of my neck. Don't push down so hard. Ohmygawd! You've messed up my beautiful, blond hair. Bend my arm so I can fix it. Is there no end to the chaos you create?

G.I. JOE
When it comes to chaos - I'm the best at that. By the way - what does chaos mean?

BARBIE
Look at the time! Go bring the jeep around

(the door bell rings)

(BARBIE cont'd.) Like...who could that be? I'm not expecting anyone. We're never going to get to the mall

G.I. JOE
(grabbing his machine gun and hiding behind the couch)
Don't worry, babe. I got'chu covered

BARBIE
Your paranoia is too much

G.I. JOE
Thanks - it ain't easy but I manage. Got it all here (he points to his head)

BARBIE
Like...really devoid of thought

(BARBIE hops to answer the door)

G.I. JOE
Thanks again

BARBIE
Ken! What are you doing here?

KEN
(holding a surf board)
Hi Barbie! It's me, Ken!

BARBIE
Like...I know who you are, Ken. What are you doing here and are you ever planning to get dressed?

KEN
Hav'ta be prepared for the big waves. I'm here to spend the holidays with you

BARBIE
Just what I need

KEN
I know. We're meant to be together

(G.I. JOE jumps out from behind the couch)

G.I. JOE
Hands up! I heard the enemy might be planning something big. Gotta frisk you, stranger...

BARBIE
Joe - it's Ken. You know Ken!

G.I. JOE
Maybe it is and maybe it ain't

KEN
Let him frisk me. I've got nothing to hide.

BARBIE
Ain't that the truth!

KEN
Did I hear you say you're going to the mall? I love the mall. Santa is at the mall. Last year I asked him for a new surf board. It's going to be such fun. The three of us, together again! Just like the old days!

BARBIE
This is going to be one fun Christmas... Um - Ken...you hav'ta leave your surf board here. It won't fit into the jeep

KEN
But...me and Charlene here - we're a pair. Where I go - she goes

BARBIE
Charlene? You...named...your surf board?

KEN
(caressing the surface of the board)
We do everything together. She even sleeps with me. "I love you, Charlene"

BARBIE
Y'know Joe - you're looking better and better.. You can come Ken but Charlene... I mean, the surf board, stays here

KEN
"I'll be back, Charlene." She's so sensitive. I hav'ta be careful how I talk to her

BARBIE
(shaking her head)
Uh-huh ...sure you do. Now I remember why we broke up


THE THREE LEAVE FOR A TRIP TO THE MALL, G.I. JOE WALKING BACKWARDS, DARTING FROM SIDE-TO-SIDE. KEN WAVING GOOD BYE TO HIS SURF BOARD. BARBIE, WEARING SUN GLASSES, WALKS IN FRONT, HER HEAD DOWN