Perhaps an idea whose time has come: how much is a play page worth?

I dunno - some people come up with the strangest ideas to make money. In this case, an Australian man is selling the word "the" - that's the three letters t-h-e - on e-Bay and would you believe that someone out there on planet earth, has bid $10,131 to own it.

At first I dismissed the idea as ridiculous. I mean, who would buy a word given the amount of words available to use at no charge in the English language alone. Then lights accompanied by bells and whistles along with a "hello Eleanor!" started going off in my brain.

As a playwright who is continually submitting my plays to various theatres in the hope of production, this idea possibly could work for me. Instead of one word, I would put a page from one of my plays on e-Bay or write a one-page play based on suggestions from bidders, and wait for the bids to roll in. Depending on the response, perhaps I'd even consider offering more than one page.

The seller, one "sweatyman" (not the best choice of user-names IMHO but then who am I) writes in his e-Bay description of the word "the":  "Ideal for any situation, this fun-loving item fits perfectly in the palm of your hand, wallet, or purse."

Should I decide to pursue my idea, the creation of an enticing blurb would be necessary to get the bidding going. Something to the effect:

"A playwright who has penned many a play, would like to share the witty wordage of  a one page play  to be written by a. playwright. The contents of the page will be written based on the idea submitted by the winning bidder. Be a hit at parties and let your guests be actors."

Testimonials by satisfied customers could be used to underline this novel idea. Something to the effect:

"I bought a one-page play based on the word, 'divorce' and acted it out in front of my ex-wife/husband/whoever. Boy - were they surprised!"

or

"I just want to thank a. playwright for the opportunity to bid on my one-page play, "cats." The one page play which featured my cats, Fluffy, Tiger and Buster, who did what cats usually do, which is nothing. It was a great afternoon."

All that's left to do is to decide how much to open the bidding at. A dollar seems like a fair price for a page of witty and entertaining dialogue. This could be the start of something big. Then again, maybe not.

Playing around: scene 3 of "Dead Writes"

Now and then - more then than now unfortunately - I actually work on plays yet to be finished. One of my favorites (don't I always say that?) is "Dead Writes" started a while back. A comedy, the story line focuses on a deceased, crusty old reporter (Felicia) who has to earn her way into the heavenly quarters by offering her experience and guidance to Chloe, a young up-and-coming writer.

In this is an excerpt, which takes place somewhere between heaven and hell,  how things work and given the guidelines to her assignment. My apologies regarding the formatting transferring the contents from Word.

 

 

DEAD WRITES

SCENE 111

 

TIME:  NEW YEARS DAY

SCENE: Somewhere between heaven and hell – a holding zone. Organ music is playing

 

AT RISE: FELICIA & her guide, JOSIAH, discuss her future - and responsibilities

 

FELICIA

This is just friggin' great!

                                                                             SFX: loud thunder clap

 

Sorry. New Years Day and I'm stuck here in no-man's land! This feels more like…the other place

 

 

JOSIAH

(appearing suddenly)

Heaven is a state of mind, my dear. Really, you should forget about those earthly vices

 

FELICIA

Know what I'd be doing if I hadn't croaked? I'd be sitting in my usual booth at The Flamingo Lounge toasting in the new year, with the gang from "The Sentinal." Right now, we'd probably be uncorking a fresh bottle of scotch, inhaling the fumes and clinking our glasses together, toasting every major story we broke. And let me tell you - there were a lot of 'em! Yup, yup, yup…lots of good juicy ones!

 

JOSIAH

Nobody is denying that you weren't good at your profession. It's your methods at question, here

 

FELICIA

It wasn't easy, 'ya know. There were pressures and if scotch helped me deal with them –who'd it hurt? Oh God….

 

SFX: loud thunder clap

JOSIAH

(looking up)

…of course…she understands. Please, please Felicia dear, choose your words more carefully

 

 

FELICIA

If I had only known -

 

 

JOSIAH

- you probably would have lived your life the exact same way. It's not the first time we've worked with you. In fact, there were many, many times before this one 

 

 

FELICIA

 

Are you telling me that I've been here, done that, before?

 

JOSIAH

We've been sending you back in the hope that you learn your life lesson. You've been close but as you say on earth, no cigar. At least not yet 

 

FELICIA

If you'd tell me what I'm supposed to learn, maybe I could fix it

 

JOSIAH

Were it only that easy. You alone have to find that out for yourself

 

FELICIA

How was I supposed to know things would be held against me in my next life? 'Ya think I expected to die?

 

JOSIAH

People think they're going to live forever and then – poof! You suddenly find yourselves in this state!

 

FELICIA

Listen, where are those gates everyone talks about? It's all a lie, isn't it?

 

JOSIAH

There are gates everywhere, but not visible to you being that you're not ready to enter. Hopefully, you'll learn your way through this time. Consider this place a sort-of… holding position. 'May I have Felicia Pembroke's review?'

 

                                                  (File drops down)

 

Let's see now…

 

FELICIA

Hell – how many more times do we have to review my life?

                                                                                               SFX: THUNDERCLAP

JOSIAH

(looking up)

'I'm so sorry SIR. Believe me, it won't happen again. She knows, she knows! Forgive her SIR, she's a newcomer!'

Aside to FELICIA: You must watch your language! The last thing you need now, is to offend the HTM

 

 

FELICIA

HTM?

 

 

 JOSIAH

    grabbing a sheet of paper that floats down

I must make a point not to use initials when talking to newcomers. Head Team Leader? The "ultimate" head team leader, if you get my drift.  Let me see here …at their last meeting, there still appears to be a split amongst the celestial gate-keepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie

 

FELICIA

This is just typical. I can't even die right like other people. I wasn't that… bad. So I lived a little hard and fast, but my heart was in the right place. I always gave to the Police Benefit and the Adopt-a-Pet Funds!  That ought'ta count for something. There hast'a be a way I can get in than having to work with Chloe

 

 

JOSIAH

As I recall, you made a promise

 

FELICIA

You're not gonna hold me to that! I was traumatized at seeing my body in a casket. Now that I think about it, I haven't looked that good since can't remember when

 

JOSIAH

You assured me that you were willing to do anything to redeem your soul and your entry is conditional based on this covenant. The young lady in question needs your guidance to make it as a reporter, and her future is dependent on your help

 

FELICIA

This is some deal you're offering.  If I refuse, it's a black mark against my record and I can't even take a sauna without passing out from the heat. She – I mean dear, dear, Chloe - can't spell to save herself, and let's not even talk about grammar. What she does to the English language would make Shakespeare turn over in his grave

 

JOSIAH

I happen to know personally, that The Bard is not offended by the well-intentioned efforts of young people. I think you've got what it takes to help her, if you can control those negative qualities

 

FELICIA

 

Let's get going. No time like the present to start

 

JOSIAH

There are some facts you should know about your life on earth, now

 

FELICIA

What's to know? I follow her around and give her advice. How we going down, this time?

 

JOSIAH

There will be some temptations that you would have to deal with

 

FELICIA

Like?

 

JOSIAH

Qualities that are left over from your earth life that could lead you astray

 

FELICIA

Don't worry 'bout me. Nothing or no one is going to stop me from getting it right, this time

 

JOSIAH

 

Felicia, my dear, please be aware of your reason for returning to earth

 

FELICIA

I'm gonna succeed, no matter what it takes. Are we ready to leave now?

 

JOSIAH

But...whatever. It's your funeral. Oh dear...I'm so witty lately

 

FELICIA

Don't I get a set of wings or something, to travel? I always wondered how those things work but I'm a fast learner anyway…

 

 

JOSIAH

Around here, wings have to be earned. Let me remind you that you've got one foot upstairs and the other is in a place we'll not mention, so in the end, it's all up to you. Give me your hand…

 

           FELICIA takes JOSIAH's hand

 

FELICIA

There's no place like home, Auntie Em, there's no place like home…

 

They disappear in a cloud of smoke and re-emerge in FELICIA's former office

 

Hey - she's sitting at my desk no less! I'm gone barely a day and already she's taken over

 

JOSIAH

Remember that nobody can see or hear you except me and soon young Chloe there will be privy to your voice

 

           bell rings continuously

 

(staring upwards) 'Yes SIR... another meeting? But SIR…'

 

Aside to FELICIA  Another meeting to attend – they never end in the true sense of the word! I'm leaving you now with the understanding you'll offer any and all your help to her. If you want to climb that stairway to heaven, you're gonna have to do it step by step. Those words are so appropriate…must add that to my heavenly harp composition. Good luck (looks up), 'Yes SIR, I'm coming…'

 

                                                                         JOSIAH disappears

FELICIA

Don't leave! How am I supposed to talk to this dumb… Josiah? Damn him!

 

 

 

SFX: Loud thunder-clap

Sor-ry! Hard to break long time habits

                                                                         approaches CHLOE's desk

 

Well, well, well! If it's not my pal Chloe! Hey kid, anyone ever tell you that you can't punctuate to save yourself? Shoot – this is great!

                                                                           SFX: Loud thunder-clap

 

           FELICIA looks up 

 

Alright already! I get your point!

 

CHLOE

           CHLOE is absorbed in staring at the computer screen

 

Is somebody in the office? You're scaring me!

 

FELICIA

You can hear me?

 

CHLOE

(whirling around)

Oh Lord…this is not possible! I've been over-working. Yes. That's it. I'll go home after writing this story and take a hot shower…

 

FELICIA

It's me. How's the 'puter working? I miss the old thing

 

CHLOE

(to herself)

This isn't real. I wa-was at Felicia's funeral last week, and I saw them put her in the ground! Gotta ask for some time off…I'm hallucinating

 

FELICIA

Oh pleeze! Don't be so over-dramatic! I'm dead! So what's the big thing?

Arks to go: the prequels

Readers of this blog are aware that I've been sharing some short pieces focusing on an encounter between a human (Angie) and Noah, he of the ark fame. Basically, the story line focuses on Angie's observation of the none-ending rain falling everywhere and her decision that drastic steps must be taken to save herself.

Yesterday, I posted the third installment in the series (yes there will be more) but thought perhaps I'd provide the blog coordinates for the first two written a short time back.

Arks to Go: Angie meets the ark builder
http://a-playwrights-ramblings.blogspot.ca/2011/05/havent-decided-yet-whether-or-not-to.html

Arks to Go: the Flood Sequel II

http://a-playwrights-ramblings.blogspot.ca/2014/05/arks-to-go-flood-sequel.html

Enjoy.

Arks to Go: The Flood II

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE: LIVING ROOM OF AN APARTMENT. LATE EVENING


ANGIE and her male friend(JOE) are sitting on a couch, caught up in an embrace. Her cell phone rings repeatedly.

ANGIE
Ignore it. Now where were we...

(cell phone stops ringing and is replaced by the ringing of her regular phone)

JOE
Shouldn't you answer? Sounds like it's important

ANGIE
Some people might think so but not me. So...now...where were we?

JOE
You know who it is?

ANGIE
I have a pretty good idea

JOE
Strikes me that whoever's calling you, is trying to get your attention

ANGIE
Ignore him. As I recall, you had your arm here...

JOE
'Him'?

ANGIE
That is to say, it's probably one those scam companies making me an offer I'll refuse

(both phones ring simultaneously)

JOE
I dunno, Angie. Sounds like someone really wants to speak with you. You better pick up one of them. Why don't I go get us a drink while you choose?

ANGIE
Honestly! I get crank calls all the time. Why should this be any different?

JOE
(getting up)
Answer the phone, Angie

(JOE leaves the room. ANGIE stares at the phones while they continue to ring)

JOE
(from the other room)
'Answer the phone already!'

ANGIE
Why...why did I get involved in this again? Hello?

NOAH
Guess who? Is this your cell phone I'm communicating on? I've been thinking of getting one msyelf...

ANGIE
 I'm going to end this conversation, now

NOAH
...I mean, it would definitely give us more manoeuvering room. We could travel around and still keep in touch with everyone.

ANGIE
We? I don't think so

NOAH
Okay. I get it. We'll only use your cell phone. Don't wanna squander resources

ANGIE
We are not partners, got that? Now if you excuse me, I'm otherwise occupied

NOAH
Seems like a nice enough guy

ANGIE
Say what?

NOAH
Dear, Angie, my special connections allow me a private view into people's lives not accessible to humans

ANGIE
What happened to my right to privacy? It's beyond chutzpah! This conversation is over

NOAH
Would it make a difference if I apologize? It's not like I ask to have this insight. Comes with the territory. It's all water under the bridge, anyway. Always wanted to say that. Oh my - I am witty today.

ANGIE
You mean, wit-less

NOAH
Just trying to inject humor in what would otherwise be a dismal and gloomy topic. We have important things to discuss like how are we going ensure that we have two representations of all living things on this planet

ANGIE
There is no "we"! I'm not working along side a peeping Tom or Noah as the case may be. Good bye!

(ANGIE turns off her cell phone. It rings again)

ANGIE (cont'd.)
'I'm not home, Noah!'

(JOE re-enters and looks around)

JOE
I thought I heard voices

ANGIE
Watching this stupid program on TV about this weirdo who thinks he's been appointed to save the world and tries to convince a woman to join him

JOE
Sounds interesting

ANGIE
Forget about it. Let's get back to what we were doing before, better

(CELL PHONE rings again)

JOE
Boy! You sure get a lot of calls!

ANGIE
It's always the wrong number. Gotta do something about that

(Knock on the door. ANGIE answers)

ANGIE (cont'd.)
You!

NOAH
Hope you don't mind me dropping by. I happened to be in the neighborhood

(pushes by ANGIE)

NOAH (cont'd.)
Hello! I've heard so much about you and at last we meet. I'm Angie's friend, Noah. Tell me...have you given much thought to all this rain we've been having?


TO BE CONTINUED...

Playright's update: yawn

Sometimes, too frequently, I bore myself.

"Why would you say (or write) a statement like that, Eleanor?"

On occasion when things are in a static state (like the sound of those two words together), I begin to question my playwriting ability. Thinking back, the impetus for taking up writing plays in the first place was my love for dialogue. It seemed only natural, at least for me, that playwriting, which consists of telling a story through the spoken word, was  a natural progression. However - it's always the 'howevers' in life that get you - there are times when one questions the quest (still more words when said repeatedly that have a pleasant sound) for recognition by theatres...producers...directors...or anybody, actually.

"So what has you bummed again, Eleanor?"

Nothing new or momentous (I wish!) to report. As shared in previous blogs, I've actually submitted some of my plays to theatres that seemed like a good fit, in addition to entering a competition. As is frequently the case, I'm in a waiting state of being. Waiting and patience is not one of my strong points. In the beginning, waiting for the word - any word - is bearable but as time goes on is when doubt starts to creep in. Like:

- maybe I should have edited it some more
- maybe the dialogue was all over the page and they couldn't read and gave up immediately
- maybe the subject was dumb
- maybe I used the wrong font
- maybe the covering letter rambled

Rant time. Can't understand or mabe don't want to understand why theatres or playwriting competition organizers/readers don't advise playwrights when plays are rejected. As a playwright, hope is frequently the only thing we have to cling to and waiting is tortuous. Okay - I exaggerate. It's definitely nerve-wracking. All it would take is for somebody to write up a few sentences to indicate a rejection. Something to the effect:

"Dear Blah-blah,

Sorry but your play doesn't cut it. We may not even have read it given the amount of submissions we receive. Or perhaps it didn't have enough potential to attract investors. Then again, it could have needed more editing. Go know.

Good luck Ms Mr. blah-blah or whoever,

The person who has been designated to send rejections to playwrights

Now, I mean, that seems simple enough to me. Anything is better than no word and waiting and hoping for some news. Right playwrights reading this?

In as far as other playwriting projects, still in the finishing stages and last few pages of "Neighbors", which in itself is a personal achievement but it's only the first draft. It will be put into storage for a period of time and then brought out again for changes or - heaven forbid - indefinite storage never to see the light of day. No new updates on my "Old Soldiers" submission or the play reading series in which "Retribution" will be introduced to actors - and the world - for the first time. As I've said many times, we live in hope. In the end, that's all we have.

ARKS TO GO: the flood sequel II

by Eleanor Tylbor

SCENE:  BEDROOM. 2 a.m. THE PHONE RINGS

FEMALE (ANGIE)

(groggy)

Hel-hello?

VOICE (NOAH)

Angie – it’s me

ANGIE

You…who?

NOAH

Don’t you recognize my voice?

ANGIE

It’s two in the morning and I’m not into guessing games

NOAH

(coughing and clearing his throat)

Think! Hasn’t been that long. Last year? Water? Two by two?

ANGIE

You’re one of those perverts, aren’t you? I’m hanging up…

NOAH

No! Please! If it’s my heavy breathing, I’ve got a cold. All this rain… Does that mean anything to you?

ANGIE

You’re a sick man. Get help!

(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)

(cont’d. ANGIE)  Hello?

NOAH

(coughing and sneezing. Sound of elephant and monkeys in background)

It’s me again. I need your help. ‘Quiet guys! I’m trying to talk here!’

ANGIE

You wanna believe you do, but I’m not listening to what you wanna say! Are you aware that it’s illegal to keep wild animals?

NOAH

I got the word from someone high – really high up - to do this. As I was saying – I need your help

ANGIE

You’re a drug pusher, too! You sick-o. I’m hanging up now…

(sound of elephants)

NOAH

‘Didn’t I say to cool it?’ Oh just great. ‘Thanks for fertilizing the floor, guys!’ Took me two days to clean up their last mess. That’s what I get for forgetting to put diapers on them. So as I was saying before I was interrupted, I need your help

ANGIE

And as I told you, I’m ending this phone call

(ANGIE hangs up. Phone rings again)

NOAH

Time is of the essence here. I’m sure you’ve noticed all this rain we’ve been having. There’s a reason for it. Does this mean anything to you at all? Rain? Animals?

ANGIE

Hang on a minute…are you…

NOAH

Noah’s the name and rain is my game

(NOAH sneezes and coughs)

Allergy to lion hair. Is it coming back to you now? Remember last year when it rained like this and we worked together loading the ark?

ANGIE

How could I forget the boa constrictors. Nearly choked me

NOAH

Aw – they’re big jokers. They were just being friendly-like. They do that to all newcomers.

ANGIE

Just how many newcomers have there been and what happened to them?

NOAH

They weren’t the right type for the voyage, anyway. Getting back to this phone call. Seems there’s talk of another big flood. We gotta get prepared

ANGIE

That’s what you told me last time and nothing became of it

NOAH

But didn’t you meet a male like I promised you?

ANGIE

Like I said, nothing became of it

NOAH

You can lead a man to the water but you can’t make him come aboard, if you get my drift. Oh my – I made a joke…

ANGIE

Very humorous. Look – I’ve got a good job now…let me think on it.

NOAH

How long do you need? An hour?

ANGIE

Gimme a break! A day or two at least! This isn’t an easy decision

NOAH

You think I have nothing better to do? Come to think of it, actually I don’t

ANGIE

I’d have to give up a lot

NOAH

More than you know if you let this opportunity go by

ANGIE

How do I get in touch with you?

NOAH

I’ll get back to you. (sound of fighting in the background) Gotta go. The zebras are in the middle of two fueding lions and we know how that’s gonna turn out. 

TO BE CONTINUED