BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE

The continuing story

SCENE: KEN has shown up at Barbie's beach house where BARBIE, G.I. JOE and her friends are...partying. BARBIE has convinced G.I. JOE to stay back and keep watch over the house and the party while she i.e. BARBIE, takes a walk on the beach with KEN.



KEN
Wow! This is nice. Just like the old days, babe! Me...you...

BARBIE
Um...Ken...I think we should talk

KEN
...the water and our surfboards. Remember, Barbie, before...he came along?

BARBIE
I think our problems go back much further than that

KEN
...we bought matching surfboards... Remember?

BARBIE
Focus Ken! Try and focus!

KEN
But those were such great times! You hav'ta admit they were great times... Okay. I'm focused now

BARBIE
Listen - true we were...

KEN
Hear? Is that a bigggg wave coming in? I think it is! Why don't we go get our surfboard and...

BARBIE
Forget about the wave, 'kay? Now look into my eyes, Ken. Like...we hav'ta talk!

(BARBIE holds KEN's head between her extended plastic hands but KEN attempts to move his plastic head towards the ocean)

(cont'd BARBIE) Ken! Pay attention! Things have changed. I've changed and evolved! Like...now I have a whole new line of clothing...I'm a big celeb. I've evolved!

KEN
Me too! I can hang out with your gang! I use'ta be a star! Remember?

BARBIE
Like...see...that's the problem, Ken. You used to be a star but now you're just normal. Average, even. Get it?

KEN
Um...yes... No - not really

BARBIE
Okay. Like...listen. I'm this really big well-known celebrity and you - well - you are a guy who likes to surf with only one outfit to wear. It just won't work!

KEN
What if I...give up surfing?

(KEN pivots as if he's on a surf board while talking to BARBIE)

BARBIE
Like...it just won't work, Ken. Look at the way you dress. You've been wearing those same surfing trunks ever since we met. It's like - disgusting!

KEN
Hey - I hit the waves every day so they're always clean!

BARBIE
Ken...Ken...Ken... My poor Ken. Hit one too many times on the head with your surf board. You just don't get it, do you?

KEN
Huh? Get what? You want I should go get our surfboards 'cause if that's what you want, it won't take more than a couple hours if I leave right now...

BARBIE
I give up! Let's go back

KEN
Are you sure you don't wanna ride the waves? You use'ta like that

BARBIE
No Ken - I do-not-want-to-ride-the-waves with you

KEN
Are you riding the waves with somebody else 'cause if you are... I mean to say, if you is... Is there someone else? Is it G.I. Joe?

BARBIE
G.I. is just a friend, Ken, although he doesn't want to believe it.

(As they walk back, the sound of loud bangs resembling gun shots breaks the stillness of the night)

KEN
Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that

BARBIE
Like...ohmygawd! I just hope it isn't...I pray that it isn't...

KEN
Yeah. Me too. Nothing spoils a night of surfing like a thunder storm. The last time I surfed during a storm, my board got hit with a bolt of lightning. I was unconscious for a good two minutes.

BARBIE
That would explain a lot. Uh-oh...is that G.I. Joe out there on the lawn?

(As they near BARBIE's beach house, BARBIE and KEN spot GI JOE shooting away wildly at...something)

(BARBIE cont'd) G.I. Joe! What are you doing?

G.I. JOE
It's okay, babe! Spotted an intruder and I took care of the problem. He'll never bother you again

(BARBIE, walking on tippy-toes with KEN lagging behind, rushes over and after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get down on her knees, she bends over at the waist to see who the intruder is)

BARBIE
(gasping)
Like...omygawd! You've shot...

G.I. JOE
Yeah. No need to thank me, babe! I'm a trained sharp-shooter!

BARBIE
You...you...idiot!

G.I. JOE
Aw babe! You always say the nicest things!

BARBIE
You shot Blain, the Australian surfer dude.

G.I. JOE
He's the enemy, babe! A guy has'ta do what a guy has'ta do!

BARBIE
Ken - call the beach rescue

KEN
Uh-oh! Surf's up! Gotta go!

(KEN rushes off, leaving BARBIE and G.I. JOE alone)

G.I. JOE
No need t'thank me, babe

(BARBIE opens her Barbie carry-all purse and produces her cell phone)

BARBIE
'Hello - send an ambulance right away to Barbie's Fun'n'Famous Celebrity Beach House right away!'

A FOLLOW UP...the playwriting angst continues or...'hello - is anybody out there?'


As is the case with most if not all playwrights, I'm always seeking a suitable theatre in which to submit my plays and when I come accross one that is tailor-made for my purposes, it fills my heart with hope.

H-O-P-E. A four letter word that means confidence, faith, daydream, promise...among other upbeat and positive words. When it comes to playwriting, sometimes that's all we have.

Three months ago I submitted one of my plays to a theatre that deals specifically with humor. I'm reading over the information blurb on their site describing the theatre and their needs while thinking to myself: this could be a good match. Both of my plays are comedies and since the theatre accept electronic submissions, I send them/it "Gin: An Allegory For Playing the Game of Life."

Whenever a play is sent electronically there is for me, anyway, a creeping doubt that grows with the passing of days as to whether or not the recipient received the play. The theatre in question acknowledged receipt of the play within a two day period adding that playwrights will be notified as to whether their plays will be used within a month.

One month passes and no news one way or the other so I try to keep a positive state of mind assuring myself that no news is good news, even if deep in my heart and soul this is not necessarily the case at all. My anxiety replaces common sense as it frequently does and I send off follow-up query #1.

"Hi there, ---," I write attempting to sound up beat and cheerful and not to incur the recipient's wrath. "Hate to be a pain and/or pest but... Could you please let me know one way or the other, as to the fate of my play, "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life" submitted to you by e-mail on ----. Any type of update would be most appreciated."

This was followed up with query #2 reminding the recipient that the deadline for the promised response had passed and I was waiting anxiously (to say the least) for news.

Still nothing.

Today follow-up #3 was sent: "Since I haven't heard back from you one way or the other and you mentioned in an e-mail that you would be notifying playwrights regarding the fate of their plays in February, which has long since passed, and in spite of two previous requests for information, I would very much appreciate knowing whether you plan to use my play, "Gin..." Any news is better than no news for we playwrights."

And so I wait - and hope. There's that four-letter word again but what else do we have?


Writers & Friends
www.jrslater.com/forum

Some further thoughts about playwriting and "the craft."

There is a lot written by playwrights, playwriting authors and the like regarding form when submitting plays. This is something that has been on my mind since encountering problems numbering the pages of a play. Try as I might/may the computer and/or my latest Explorer version refuses to number the play in Roman and Arabic numerals. Like...life is complicated enough writing a play, period! I wonder if William Shakespere had the same concerns. Doubtful since he used a quill and ink. Wonder what would happen if a/theatres received a play submission written in pen and ink.

Here's one for the unaware-of-the-concept that crocodiles+available human=snack.

This definitely belongs in the people-unaware-of-the-end-result or he-should-have-known-better file.

So this man who is a zoo veterinarian no less indicating that he has experience with dangerous animals, enters the crocodile compound or cage or whatever and wherever crocs live, in Taiwan. According to the report he was in the crocodile's cage to give it an aenesthetic dart since it was sick, given the crocs propensity to bite without provocation. At the point where he was about to remove the tranquilizer dart and not noticing that it i.e. the croc, wasn't fully aenesthesised, the crocodile made its move biting off the man's fore-arm.

Again, it makes one (me) wonder how a person in his i.e. the veterinarian's situation could have missed this very important fact or reality.

Initial reports indicated that shots fired at the crocodile by a co-worker killed the beast however an updated report now claims that no bullet holes have been found in its hide.

Darn - there goes another crocodile purse! Seriously though...

According to a zoo worker the crocodile was shocked perhaps at the fact that it was a target and opened its mouth to let go of the arm. A video report shows the police officer firing at the animal to retrieve the arm.

Anyway...the bottom line to all of this is that the arm was rushed to the hospital where it was re-attached. Here is the "before" photo:

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21543403-2,00.html

There is no report on how the crocodile is doing.

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE...the continuing story...

KEN

I'm a boy-toy

BARBIE

Say what?

KEN

I'm a boy-toy? A celebrity! Like Justin Timberlake? Sanjaya Malakar?

GI JOE

Sanjaya M-M-Ma... Hey! Isn't he the enemy? I'm gonna find him and...

BARBIE

Down GI! Sit!

KEN

People know me all over the world. I got a reputation!

BARBIE

You said a mouthful

KEN

Said what?

BARBIE

What you just told me

KEN

What I say?

GI JOE

You want me to shoot him now, babe?

KEN

Can we talk without him hanging around all the time?

BARBIE

We have nothing more to say to each other, Ken

GI JOE

Yeah. She has nothing to say to you. Right babe? Is it time yet? 'Cause if it is me and my trusty friend here...

(GI JOE pats his weapon affectionately)

(cont'd.) GI JOE

Gawd I love this! We go back a long way

KEN

Give me another chance and you won?t be sorry!

BARBIE

I suppose it doesn't hurt to listen

GI JOE

You gonna give this nambly-pambly, whussy-pussy chicky-wicky another chance? I say... let's use him for target practice! Lemme just re-load here...

KEN

Look at what you're reduced to dating, Barbie. This...this...hot-headed lunatic...

GI JOE

Thank you!

KEN

Let's take a walk on the beach

GI JOE

Me and my friend here'll back you up, babe

BARBIE

You stay, GI, and guard the house against intruders but no shooting this time. Okay?

GI JOE

Aw!

BARBIE

Promise me, GI!

GI JOE

Do I ha'v'ta?

BARBIE

Promise me!

GI JOE

Oh...alright! No fun without bullets...

(BARBIE AND KEN start to walk down the hill to the beach. Suddenly they stop)

BARBIE

Like...don't take this the wrong way but like...could you maybe change your bathing suit?

KEN

But...this is all I hav'ta wear! I mean, Ken without this bathing suit is like...

BARBIE

...a new Ken. Maybe you should speak to Blain. That's this Australian hunk I dated but he left me for that Paris Hilton person. I know! Why don't we both go talk to Blain. Isn't that a great idea! I'm sure I could convince him... I mean, the guy's got a whole wardrobe of clothes and I'm sure he would be willing to share

KEN

I dunno. You use to date him and...

BARBIE

Well, if you're so insecure about us...

KEN

Us? You did say...US?

(to be continued...)

BARBIE, KEN AND THE REST IN PLASTICVILLE

SCENE:A PARTY AT A MALIBU BEACH HOUSE. THERE IS MUSIC IN THE AIR AND THROUGH THE PICTURE WINDOW, WE CAN SEE BARBIE AND HER FRIENDS DANCING IT UP (on tippy-toes). A CONVERTIBLE DRIVES UP AND KEN, DRESSED IN HIS USUAL SURFING GEAR, GETS OUT AND HIDES BEHIND BUSHES AND PEERS INSIDE. SUDDENLY, GI JOE HOLDING HIS EVER-PRESENT WEAPON LOOKS OUT A HUGE PICTURE WINDOW. THE DOOR OF THE BEACH HOUSE OPENS AND GI JOE STANDS AT THE DOORWAY.


GI JOE
Who's there? Is somebody hiding 'cause if you are and I catch you, I'll blast the living daylights...

(BARBIE JOINS GI JOE)

BARBIE
Oh Joe! Just stop it right now! You are like...soooo paranoid

GI JOE
Thanks! That's what everyone tells me

BARBIE
Please come in and close the door! You're like...embarrassing me in front of my friends

GI JOE
Them Bratz babes? Lemme tell you Barbie doll - they ain't your friends! You should hear what they say about you behind your back

BARBIE
You know I can't see or hear what's going on behind my back! I can't even turn my head without help...or even scratch an itch

GI JOE
Me neither...but I hear all of them whispering

BARBIE
Oh plleeze! You see plots everywhere! I can't find any kitchen help because you insist on frisking the help every five minutes

GI JOE
Hey - me and the pool guy are close friends now

BARBIE
I heard...very close friends

GI JOE
Ssssh....hear that?

BARBIE
What? I don't hear anything

GI JOEWell I do! I'm trained to hear. My ears are a lethal weapon

BARBIE
So is your brain

GI JOE
Thank you! Love 'ya babe! Uh-oh! There's somebody hiding somewhere!

BARBIE
It's probably just Paris Hilton's dog in heat again. The dog is always hot for my chiuahua, Mimi.

GI JOE
No - it's a human...and...it's hiding somewhere....over there!(

GI JOE RUNS OVER TO THE BUSHES WHERE KEN IS HIDING)

GI JOE
Whoever is in there better show your face or I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions later. Wait a minute... I'm gonna ask questions and then shoot later... Something like that

(KEN SLOWLY STANDS UP)

KEN
Don't shoot! It's me, Joe! Ken! Remember? Our fun games at my beach house? I dress up like nurse and you...

GI JOE
Yeah...I remember. My soldier senses tell me that you're... an enemy! Sorry but I gotta blast you, Kenny boy

KEN
No! I swear! I'm a friend!

BARBIE
Ken? Is that you? How many more times do I have to tell you that we're through?

GI JOE
'ya want me to shoot him, babe? 'Cause I can! Just say the word!

KEN
No! You can't shoot me because...because...