HELLO? ANYBODY OUT THERE? THE RESPONSE

Sharing one's thoughts and feelings in a blog occasionally results in a comment or two. In fact some thoughts expressed in a recent blog addressing the issue and/or angst of non-responses by theatres/readers to submissions, elicited a response by "anonymous." As an aside but pertinent to the signature, "anonymous," newspapers will not acknowledge the views of anyone without providing a legitimate signature but we'll overlook this, being that this is a blog.

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Dear Mr/Ms Anonymous,

As playwrights know only too well, non-responses are an unsavory reality of submitting one's play. Think of it in terms of a creator working and devoting a great deal of time and effort on a piece, sharing it with someone i.e. a stranger, who you believe to be sensitive to and familiar with the field in which you are working, only to be ignored. Nada! Nothing. Zip! It's so common that it's a given in which few playwrights AND scriptwriters too, comment upon.

Scripts/plays are sent out and at the very least you hope to hear whether or not it was received. So e-mail number one is sent sometimes resulting in an acknowledgement while other times...nothing.

Am I desperate to get my play(s) produced? You bet and so are we (as in playwrights collectively) all! Are we up against stiff competition? You bet and many of whom are local and well-known in the geographical location in which they reside. It is for this very reason that not receiving anything one way or the other becomes an issue. I would even settle for "you-gotta-be-kidding playwright - your play sucks big time!" but would prefer to read: "your play is currently being read and we'll get back to you with a decision one way or the other."

Anything is better than nothing and any news is better than no news or that dreaded silence. As an aside the artistic director mentioned when the play was submitted that she would get back to everyone in mid-February. Still there has been no news. I should be used to it by now but it never gets easier.

By the way anonymous - what have you written lately?

Dearest Willy Shookaspear! So good to hear from you, guy!

Upon my word (and sentences) I was surprised - pleasantly so - to receive your most welcome letter! Yes, dear, dear, literary friend of mine: I'm still sending-and-waiting but not necessarily in that order. On occasion I wait and then send. Either way the result is the same.

Please forgive me for noting that you too are experiencing a similar problem as me. One cannot help but ponder those words, 'cannot sendeth it, fatal error, address not known.' Doth thou think there's a conspiracy afoot (or arm)? It is even more surprising given your reputation and establishment within literary community!

Perhaps - just perhaps - the delay in response might be as a result of sending my plays through the snail-mail method. Actually and until you brought the subject up, it hadn't occurred to me that my plays, although sent some years back, may never have reached their destination. Perhaps - just perhaps - they are still in transit! Or - horrors-of-horrors and I hate to think about this prospect - they may somehow have ended up in France where snail-mail takes on a whole new meaning! Don't know if you're aware of it but snail-mail-snails are selected specifically for their large-ish size and muscular makeup plus their ability to trek accross country but as you and I know, snails are known for their bad sense of direction. Hence, the distinct possibility that they might have asked for directions and were sent to a café in Normandy where their journey ended in a pool of oil and garlic. Oh the guilt and prospect of being a snail murderer is too much to bear!

I shall now take to bed with a jug of Grandmother Moliz Elder/Youngerberry Wine for comfort and reflect upon my erroneous-but-innocent action.Here's mud in your eye... Cheers... L'chaim...and all that.

Your friend (and snail you-know-what),

Eleanor

Hello? Is there anybody out there? An anxious playwright needs to know!

I've been submitting my plays as playwrights are expected to do, to various theatres and/or competitions. It is with hope in my heart each and every time I let go of one of a literary offspring that it will be greeted with respect and awe. Heavy emphasis on the awe.

It's not that I expect an instantaneous response because I realize and comprehend that theatre people lead busy lives. I think I speak (or write) for most playwrights reading this that an interim response would be most appreciated by playwrights. Something to the effect: 'dear playwright. We've received your play and are in the process of evaluating and making a decision.' Or, 'dear playwright. Thank you for submitting (always an omen of the dreaded next sentence to follow) to the blah-blah theatre but unfortunately your play has not been selected.' However, it's the dreaded silence that hurts and irks the most.

Each and every day the e-mail and snail-mail is checked in the hope that the fate of the play has been decided. The waiting period is enough to make a person turn to drink (as if playwrights need a reason)! What is an appropriate amount of time to allow for a decision? Two months...six months...longer?

Thing is - I'm neurotic and my imagination runs riot wondering what's happening at the "other end." Plays are read and re-read and I berate myself upon finding a misspelled word or an extra line between dialogue or a missing letter. What happens if "they" fault playwrights for grammatical errors or omissions?

"Uh-oh!" a reader - a stranger- hired to decide whether a play is suitable, might comment upon spotting a missing 'a' or 'e' and other letters. "This playwright didn't take enough time to proof her play. Too bad because it's really good!"

On occasion I have whipped off an e-mail to a theatre accompanied by a corrected and edited copy:

Dear blah-blah,

"Don't know how it happened but I sent you the wrong copy of my play," I will write them. "Please disregard the other copy and use the new one attached."

Even the closing of the e-mail suddenly takes on importance. Should it be: "thanks" in the way of a friendly or casual closure or "thank you" indicating a serious tone? My full name or my first name? Serious decisions, these!

Most recently I sent a followup... I lie. I sent three followups requesting any type of news. The latest one said:

"Hate to be a pain and/or pest but... Could you please let me know one way or the other, as to the fate of my play, "Gin: An Allegory for Playing the Game of Life" submitted to you by e-mail. Any type of update would be most appreciated."

So now I wait...and wait...and wait but then don't we all?

KEN AND GI JOE CALL IT QUITS

They said it was a relationship doomed right from the beginning - and they were right. The word going around is that it's over between KEN and GI JOE. The two have gone their separate ways with Ken returning to his beloved beach and GI Joe keeping the world safe from and for...everybody.

Although both claimed they were "just friends" sharing Ken's beach house, neighbors complained about "unusual" noises in the middle of the night.

"Damn neighbors should mind their own damn business!" GI Joe commented, when reporters confronted him with this information. "It's getting to the point where a damn soldier can't practice his damn target shooting anymore!"

Police reports revealed that they had visited the house on many occasions responding to complaints by an anonymous caller who kept repeating, 'Barbie - save me!' over and over. A naked GI Joe would appear outside the house, rifle in hand screaming: "Who called you, huh? Must'a been that nambly-pambly, pussy-wussy, Ken. Come one step closer and your peeing days are over, guys!"

Friends and family members believed that the relationship was doomed from the start with Ken never getting over his break-up with Barbie and GI Joe's penchant for combat weapons. When told about the break-up Barbie commented that "Like...Ken's new look is all wrong for him. Y'know?"

Would the famous blond doll consider getting back together with her former boyfriend?

"Like...he's so yesterday," she commented. Barbie has been frequently seen tippy-toeing around town with Australian hunk, Blaine, and an entourage of Bratz dolls.

For his part Ken commented, "I'm through with action dolls."

More reports are forthcoming.